05x04 - Noise

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everyone, look,

I-I'm sorry
I have to rush through this.

You can tell we got a busy day.

If there are no other
questions--

I have a question.
Um, what is it?

Does anybody know someone
who can trim cuticles

without scratching your nail?

Kim Lee's on Fifty-eighth.

Oh, forget it.
She won't do cats.

Okay.
Anybody have anything else?

Yo.
Joe, recognized. Go ahead.

Huh?
You had a question. What is it?

No, I was just saying "Yo".

Oh, well, great. Anyone else?

Oh, yeah, I have a question.

Is it work related?

Well, it's about this meeting.

What about it?
Well, uh, thank you.

Uh.

I was just wondering.

Uh-huh?

When it was that you feel

that, you know,

this whole meeting here

is going to be over?

Well, about halfway
through that question.

Why don't we just get to work,
okay?

Dave seem a little tense
to you guys?

Mr. James, what are you doing
back there?

Observing Dave. Does Dave now
seem a little tense? Yes or no?

Dave's always tense.
Yeah, I know, I know.

But, uh,
like more tense than usual?

Well, his knuckles
are kind of white.

Dave's whole body is white.

Okay, all right.
Look, everybody, everybody.

You remember those physicals

we had to take for the, uh,
company insurance?

Hmm. That tickled.

It did. Uh. It did.
But you know what?

Dave's blood pressure
was like 27 percent higher

than it was last year.
Twenty-seven percent?

Yeah.
Does he know about it?

No, I didn't tell him. I thought
it'd make him more tense.

It's a hideous paradox really.

We have to get him to relax.
JIMMY: Yeah.

If you guys can hold him down
I could force him

into some yoga positions.
Very good--

No, no, he needs a cat.

Actually, probably--
probably two or three.

Well, why not four?
Why not five?

Five wonderful cats.

What the hell is this thing?

Oh, I-I left that for you,
Dave.

It's one of those executive
stress relievers.

It looks like a little alien.

No, it doesn't.

Dave, when you're feeling tense,
you just squeeze it like this.

David, I'm adopting six cats
for you.

[STRESS RELIEVER SQUEAKS, POPS]

Oh, yeah. That--

That really did the trick.
Thanks.

[♪]

[♪]

And with one final blow
of the sledgehammer,

the first transcontinental
railroad

was completed
with a solid gold spike.

And that's what happened
on this day in history.

[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTING]

Stay tuned for national news
at the top of the hour.

What was that?

It's a new segment called
"This Day In History."

What'd you think?

I thought it was boring.

Max, you're the one
that's pushing us

to do more than just
straight news.

Well, right. But I didn't mean
for you to do something boring.

What do you mean boring? Didn't
you hear the train whistle?

Oh, last train to Boresville.

Listen, there's a solution
to this.

Does it involve
continuing this conversation?

Yes.
Well, I don't wanna hear it.

Made you something, dude.

Oh, what is it?
A time machine?

Dave, do you see a steering
wheel on this thing?

My mistake. Sorry.

[WAVES CRASHING]

It's a white noise machine.

The soothing electronic noise
will help you relax.

Aren't those things
usually a little smaller?

Welcome to the big leagues,
Dave.

Those little baby machines

have maybe three settings
at the most.

Mm-hm. This one?
Four.

Ocean Surf, Summer Rain,
Alpine Snowdrift,

and Yosemite Lullaby.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Joe, it's great, but maybe
I'll try it tomorrow, all right?

Do you mind turning it off now?

The off switch doesn't
come till this weekend.

Is there a volume switch?

Yeah. You want it louder?
No, softer.

Oh, I'll have to get
back to you on that.

Great.

[COYOTE HOWLING]

[OWL HOOTING]

[ANIMAL HOWLING]

Hey, Matthew,
did you finish proofreading

that report I gave you?

Nope.

Well, why not?

Didn't feel like it.

But isn't that your job?

Oh, so suddenly my job

is now to make the great
Max Lewis look good, huh?

Well, find another jackass,

'cause this one
ain't interested.

But, you're supposed--
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Call someone who cares.

Hey.

Payphones are 35 cents now.

You know, I know he thinks
that I took his job,

but it's not my fault.

I know that.
And I'm gonna talk to him.

Oh, take your time.

I've made 10 bucks
in the last two hours.

[COINS JINGLING]

[♪]

Think about
what he's going through.

He's got a new job,
he's in a new city,

surrounded by people
he doesn't know.

You've been through that?
Yeah.

Okay. And how did it feel?
It made me want my mom.

Okay, exactly. Right.
Or a friend.

No. No friends. Just my mom.

Let's pretend Max
doesn't have a mother.

Oh, come on, Everybody
has a mom. Even I know that.

That's the whole point
of sexual relations.

But you know what? Not Max.
Because he's an orphan.

Really?

Yes. For the purposes of this
conversation, absolutely.

Well, who makes his lunch?

He does.

How?

You see?
It's not so easy for him.

So all I'm asking is that you
try and help Max a little.

Yeah, well.

Okay, I think I could spare
a little TLC

for that poor little guy.

All right,
now that's the spirit.

He is kind of fuzzy,
isn't he?

Yes. For the purposes
of this conversation,

he's very fuzzy.

And as the Marines took
the beach on the Solomon Island

known as Guadalcanal,

the crackle of small arms fire

cut through the morning air.

[g*nf*re]

With air support
from overhead,

[AIRPLANES BUZZING]

and the assistance
of the 101st Calvary.

[HORN , HORSES GALLOPING AND
WHINNYING]

The battle was won.

[APPLAUSE]

And the heroes of the United
States Armed Forces

celebrated well into the night.

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

And that's "Max Lewi''
This Day In History."

Back in two minutes.

I thought we were gonna
use "La Bamba"?

Couldn't find the CD.

I can't believe you just
stole my idea like that.

What idea?
"This Day In History."

"This Day In History"
is my idea.

Well, you know,
you're half right.

"This Day In History,"
which I adored, is your idea.

However, "Max Lewis'
This Day In History"

is entirely my own.

Come on, we're a team.

I thought you would be happy

that I took your good idea
and made it great.

Giving it that Max Lewis
panache.

The word is panache,
first of all.

And it wasn't even
historically accurate.

That's part of the panache.

Hey, awesome job in there,
buddy. I am so proud of you.

What are you doing?
Capturing the memories.

Years from now
you're gonna thank me.

Max, the United States Marines
did not celebrate with a luau

after the battle
of Guadalcanal.

I know. I wanted "La Bamba."

Forget it.

Beth, get in one. Just get
in one. Come on, sweetie, hon.

Max, you say "girls",
Beth say "boys."

Girls.
Boys.

There you go. Now there's some
warm soup and crackers

waiting for you
in the breakroom.

You made me some soup?

Well, I'm pretty sure
it didn't make itself.

Now scoot there.
Thanks.

You.

Hey, Matthew?
Yeah?

Remember when we were
talking earlier

about Max needing
some mothering?

Didn't mean it literally.

Well, I'm just taking
a few pictures of him.

You know, they don't stay
this age forever.

Yeah, the early 40s
just fly right by.

I got 'em.

These disposable cameras
are great.

You know what?

I'm gonna grab some pictures
of him eating soup.

[♪]

LISA:
You know, and then he puts in

all these ridiculous
sound effects.

Oh, it doesn't really matter.

[WAVES CRASHING]

Pardon?

I mean, he does this,
you do that.

In the end all we are
is dust in the wind.

How long have you been
listening to this thing?

A few minutes. A few hours.

What difference does it make?

Are you drunk?

Nope.
That's not a bad idea though.

Maybe I'll see if Beth
can scare up

a couple of frosty
tall boys for us.

All right, Dave, I think maybe
you might have gotten

just a little bit too relaxed.

That's not a problem.
Yes, it is a problem.

No, you're just saying that
'cause you have a critical mind

that prevents you from
enjoying the things that,

well, human beings enjoy.

Really?
Yup.

Don't worry about it, babe.
We all have our hang-ups.

Yeah, well, that's a stone cold
bummer, Mr. Natural,

but you gotta keep on trying.

Hey, you wanna hear
a little summer rain?

No?

Okey-doke.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Dave?

Yep?

Um, everyone out there
is getting a little worried

that you might be getting too
into this relaxation machine.

Yep.

So they sent me in here
because they think

that I might be able
to talk to you.

No.

They sent you in here
because they assumed

you'd commit some sort
of egregious blunder

that would enrage me and thus,

snap me out of my virtual bliss.

Oh. Well.

That's not what they told me.

Oh, yeah,
they lied to you.

As they always do.
We all do it, Matthew.

Doesn't mean
we don't love you.

Okay, thanks. Anyway, um--
Shh.

What?

Shh.

It's my favorite part here.
Listen.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

I didn't hear anything. What?
Yeah, it's--

That--that cricket there.
That cricket?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That little fellow's
my favorite.

Yeah.

It's like he's saying "hello."

No, it isn't. But if it makes
you happy, that's cool.

It's like they're talking.

Hello.

How are you?

I am fine. How's the weather?

Hi. They're talking
to each other, Dave.

I can hear them. Oh, wait, wait.
What is--

Oh, God,
that guy's a little cut-up, huh?

Okay, now you're
kind of ruining it.

I-I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Dave.

That's okay. That's okay,
Matthew. I expect it from you.

What say you go away?

Oh, okay. Great.

Matthew?
Yeah?

Still love you.

Thank you.

Well?
I don't know.

I just think he's real mellow.

I think he's addicted
to that thing.

Oh, what have I done?

Don't worry about it.
It's not your fault.

I can't believe
I gave it to him for free.

Wait, h-h-hold it.

Does anyone else find the idea
that you can become addicted

to a white noise machine
completely implausible?

Oh, don't listen to him.
He gets a little cranky

if he hasn't had
his afternoon nap.

Oh, I think your
cocoa's scalding, big guy.

What is that?

Oh, it's a schedule of when
I have to be in the booth.

Why do you have it pinned
to you?

Matthew put it there 'cause
I lost the last one he gave me.

He's acting so weird.

Kind of like your mother?

No. He's nicer than my mother.

[BIRDS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTING]

Did you say something to him?
Well, yeah, actually.

Because I just wanted you two
to get along better.

Wow. You didn't have to do that.
That was very sweet.

Well, thank you.

You're a very sensitive person,
aren't you?

What do you mean?

He'd like to have
sex with you.

I didn't say that.

No, but you were thinking it.
Why not say it?

Ain't gonna stop this crazy old
world spinning 'round.

She is just being
very nice to me.

Beth is being nice to you
because she wants to somehow win

the approval of her father.

Don't flatter yourself.
Any older man'll do.

It isn't true, Dave.

Okay. Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it's just
that Beth wants

to have sex
with you as well.

Still, don't flatter yourself.
Any older man will do.

Oh, my God, I can't believe--

Shh.

That's my favorite cricket.

[CRICKET CHIRPING]

Hey, Max, it's just you.
Hold on to your hat.

Twenty-two minutes past the hour
and time for:

ANNOUNCER:
"This Day In History" with Lisa Miller.

NEIL ARMSTRONG:
It's one small step for man.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I have a dream today.

JOHN F. KENNEDY:
Ask not what your country can do for you.

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT:
A date which will live in infamy.

ANNOUNCER:
And now your host, Lisa Miller.

Thank you for the introduction,
Lisa.

And welcome to "Max Lewis'
This Day In History."

What?

[FLUTE PLAYING]

On this date in 1777

there was a brief lull
in the fighting at Valley Forge.

Why don't we take the
opportunity to make a direct

person-to-person call

to General George Washington

on the Max Lewis History Phone.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Hello? Is this the father
of our country?

Yeah.

Well, sir, these must be bleak
times for your rag-tag band

of starving revolutionaries.

It sucks, dude.

Tell me,
what strategy will you use

to defeat the waves
of invading Red coats?

The only strategy I know.

A straight up, street smart,
all-American ass kicking.

You heard it first,
you heard it live

on "Max Lewis'
This Day In History."

Max Lewis History is now
a registered trademark

of Max Lewis Incorporated.

Oh, man, nice work,
Mr. President.

Thank you, sir.

What the hell was that?

That was what we call
in radio lingo, "audio gold."

Ha. Cheap brass at best.

I apologize, but I am
intoxicated of my panache.

The word is panache,
you idiot.

Panache. Panache. Panache.

Gesundheit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the dilly-o?

Max just made a mockery of my
"This Day In History" segment.

Isn't it our mission
to make history

fun and interesting?
He's spreading lies.

One more listener,
money in your pocket.

Wait a minute.

Isn't there a guy I pay
to deal with crap like this?

Yes. That would be Dave.
Where is he?

He's in his office
free basing white noise.

We'll see about that.

[BREEZE BLOWING]

So like I was saying,

a problem
is what you make of it.

If you think it's gonna be big,

guess what it's
gonna turn out to be.

Big.
Bam. Boom.

Love it.

Same wavelength.
You got that right.

Amen.
Yeah. Oh.

This morning.

Satellite of mine
blew up on takeoff.

Cost?
Ten million.

Result?
Immense setback.

Milk?
Spilled.

Gonna cry over it?
Not even.

Right now I'm sitting
on a rather sharp tack.

Have been for about on hour.

Ooh. That hurts.
Life's a bitch.

Then you die.
My.

Oh.
My.

Hey, Max.

Beth, hi.

Hey, so what's up?
Look, look.

I'd really like to talk to you,
but Matthew thinks I shouldn't.

Why not? Why?

'Cause he thinks you're
sort of a bad influence.

Are you kidding me?

Look, Beth,
I think you're great,

but Matthew thinks maybe you're

just not good enough for me.
Okay?

I'm not good enough for Max?

Beth, sweetie, come on,
you're a wonderful person.

Very, very good friend, too.

But, uh, well, you are a little,
shall we say, experienced.

What do you mean
by experienced?

You know what I mean.

You've been around the block
a few times.

Like a few zillion times.

And I feel that i-it's
kind of my job

to protect this little guy from
all that. You said so yourself.

My stomach hurts.

I'm gonna get the thermometer.

My stomach doesn't really hurt.

I just made that up.

We can sneak out later
and do some stuff.

He's not your mother.

Not my birth mother, no.

Oh, God.

[♪]

Okay, this is our last chance.
Just keep it simple.

Get in and get out.
Get in, get out. Right.

Joe, you're yelling.

Take out your earplugs.

Not wearing 'em.
I'm just pumped.

Put 'em in
and get in there.

All right, let's do it.

Hey, Lisa.

I think from now on,
you should just do

the "This Day In History"
segments yourself.

Okay. So you finally see
that I'm right.

No. I'm just not
gonna have time to do it.

And why is that?

Because Matthew has signed me up
for piano lessons.

Dude, this is really uncool.

I thought you'll Jimmy first?
Dave's lighter.

[♪]

You feeling all right now, Dave?
Yeah, no, I'm perfectly fine.

I still don't understand
why everyone was so

eager to have me relaxed.

Well, um, it's 'cause
the insurance doctor

says your blood pressure's up
27 percent from last year.

Oh, oh, oh I wouldn't worry
about that.

You see, it's--
I took the exam on a Friday,

my blood pressure tends
to rise steadily

from Monday to Friday.

And then...?

What? It goes back down
on the weekend?

No.

You know, I'm gonna get
some more coffee.

Hey, Beth,
how's Mr. James doing?

He stills seems
pretty blissed out.

Can I come out now?

Do you think you're
ready to come out?

Yep.

I don't think you're ready.

Whatever.

[BUZZING]

[♪]