05x07 - The Lam

[bunniefuu]

So, Mr. Nelson,
you claim to have

no prior knowledge
that your employer

Jimmy James, was actually
the skyjacker D.B. Cooper?

I still don't believe
that he was D.B. Cooper.

David, I-- I need to
talk to you real quick.

Not now, Matthew.
This isn't a good time.

No.
I'm talking to the FBI now--

Well, I know, but I--
Matthew.

I think I might know
where Mr. James is hiding.

Really? And where
would that be?

What? Hey, man,
I know my rights, okay?

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

No, Matthew.

Mr. James
is not hiding in prison.

He just escaped
from prison.

Dave, Dave, Dave,
Mr. James is a criminal, okay?

We have to
think like him.

Where do criminals
like to hang out?

Prison. Think about it.
And don't, you know--

If there's nothing else, sir,
I need to get back to work.

Actually, D.B. Cooper
is said to put the money

in a large
green duffel bag.

Have you known Mr. James
to be in possession of such?

L-large green duffel bag.
Um...

No, no. I don't-- I don't
think I've ever seen

a large green duffel bag.

Can I, uh, help you
gents with anything?

Gosh, no, thanks,
Johnny. Um...

Oh, I'm sorry,
this is Johnny Johnson.

He just came down
from Mr. James'

main office to help us
through this crisis.

Johnny Johnson,
Junior G-Man.

That's
good.

And this of course
is his puppy, Max.

Now, Max, shouldn't you be off
working on your, uh, editorial?

Uh...do I have to?
Yes.

I wasn't talking to you.

You better do
what he says, big guy.

All right.
Whatever you say, boss.

So...if you--

Dave? I need to
talk to you.

This really isn't
a good time.

Dave, please.
When a songbird weeps,

the whole world
cries with it.

What is it, little one?

Thank you, Johnny.

My mom made me talk
to my stepfather again.

Pretty rough on you, huh?

Well, he treats me
like a redheaded stepchild.

That would seem to be
his prerogative.

Dave...when are you
gonna stop sending

a sharp tongue
to do a hug's work?

Hey.

Well, uh, again, if--
If there's nothing else,

I really do have
an awful lot of, uh....

[♪]

Dude. I think I know
where Mr. James is hiding.

I am not a dude.
And no, you don't.

I'm serious.

Okay, Joe, where is he?

Reliable sources tell me
he's traveling coast to coast

in a customized van called

"The Electric
Love Cruise Wagon."

Reliable sources, hm?

I've got a few contacts
in the FBI.

I assume you mean
the Female Body Inspectors?

No, I mean the real FBI.

The Female Body Inspectors
are a little too busy

to be looking for some guy.

Have you ever
been bitch-slapped?

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

What's going on?

Joe's just going off
about the FBI again.

Oh, he's so proud to be
a full-blooded Italian.

Hey, shine your shoes, boss?

You just shined them,
champ.

Yeah, but that was before
you walked them over here.

This guy.

Johnny is so evil.

Yeah, he's like a snake.

Yeah, and he's got everyone
here under his spell.

Yeah, he's like an
evil sorcerer snake.

And he keeps rubbing
that duffel bag in my face.

Tell me about it.
He even took it with him

to dinner last...night.

You went to dinner
with him again?

Well, it wasn't dinner.

It was more like a--

What? More like what?

More like a--
More like a what?

Like a light supper after--
After what?

After a carriage ride
around Central Park. Huh.

Dave, I'm just trying to figure
out what the guy's up to.

You should be careful
around Johnny

He-- He can be very
emotionally manipulative.

Thank you very much.
I appreciate your concern.

I do. But it's just dinner
with the guy, you know?

It's not like I'm suddenly
just gonna fall and-- Oh, God.

Those slow hands.

I must tell you
my lips are...

getting very jealous
of my fingers.

Why don't you tell 'em
to come on over?

Ooh! Hey. That got
the crick.

Thanks, I can move
my neck again.

We're still on
for tonight?

Sure.
Fantastic.

Yeah.

Hm-mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm-mm.

Ah, you did him,
didn't you?

No.
Yeah, you did.

No.
Oh-ho.

Dave. I did
not "do" anybody. You did so.

Oh, please. We got a little
intimate. That's allowed.

That's allowed.
I'm sorry I'm not up to date

on the modern etiquette
in dating evil guys.

Well-- Dave--

What, what, what?

I am well aware
that he's evil.

It does not mean
he can't be a fun date.

How far did you go?

Oh. Please.
How far did you let him go?

Come on, first base?
Was it first base?

Was it second base? Huh?

This is absolutely
ridiculous.

A stand-up triple.

Dave?
Hm?

Your mom is
on the line.

[SIGHS]
Fine. Beth. Come here.

[WHISPERS]
What's third base?

Oh. I thought
that was second base.

No.

Actually, I thought
it was first base.

Guys in high school
really messed with my head.

Listen, Mom, this really isn't
a good time to talk, all right?

I really don't care which
of my friends is there. Huh?

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dave. Oh.

Thanks, Mrs. N.

Mr. James, what are you doing
at my parents' house?

Oh, well, we-- Well, well,
I'm a hunted man, Dave.

I mean, what--

What safer sanctuary
could there be

than the extra bedroom
of a simple Wisconsin couple?

Sir, that Wisconsin couple
happens to be my parents.

They could be arrested
for harboring a fugitive.

Oh, yeah, your dad was a
little bit grumpy about that.

But your mom--
Your mom insisted.

So tell, what's the
situation at the office?

Oh, well, uh, you know,

uh, the FBI are here
interrogating us.

Everybody likes Johnny
better than me.

And, uh, oh, Lisa's
sleeping with him.

Well, it couldn't
get much worse, huh?

Oh, no, it could.
It could, sir.

You know that, uh,
green duffel bag?

The only piece of hard evidence
that could convict you?

Mm-hm.

Johnny has that.

Damn.
Yeah.

Wh-- Has he given it
to the cops yet?

No, I don't know
his plan.

Oh, Dave, Dave, I can't...

I-I just-- I can't relax until
you take care of that bag. Now--

Reading some
of these old Caspers

really helps,
but I tell you--

I'd prefer it if you didn't
take those out of their bags.

They're kind of
collectibles, sir.

Yeah, um, uh, gotta go.
Talk to you later, Mom.

So you call
your mom sir?

She's strict.

Hey, Dave--

Johnny's in there.

No, I-- I want to
talk to you.

Oh, really?

Look, I-- I know
you're jealous of me

and Johnny's
special friendship.

I just wanted you to know that
if you want to hang out with us,

it's cool with me.

Well, thanks, Max,
but I'm not jealous.

It's just that Johnny--

I know he's evil.
Yeah.

Dave, isn't that
getting a little old?

No. It's the truth.

Okay, fine. Let's just say for
the sake of argument

that Johnny is evil.
All right.

Doesn't that make you
want to serve him all the more?

No.

I just don't get you, man.

Uh, Lisa, I think the time has
come for desperate measures.

It's time we get
that bag from Johnny.

Yes.
I think I'm the person to do it.

No, better leave that to me.

No, Dave. He trusts me.

He also seems to
arouse you.

His evil is very
seductive, Lisa.

I know, but I can do this.
I just have to stay focused.

I'll be like Mata Hari.

And I'll seduce him
with my feminine wiles.

And I'll betray him.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I can do it.
I hope so.

Yeah.

Did Mata Hari sleep
with the guys she betrayed?

Be a waste of feminine wiles
otherwise, wouldn't it?

I can do this.
Yeah. Hm.

Are those the wings
of an angel I hear rustling?

They are.

[LAUGHS]
I'm no angel, Johnny.

Then you are a demon.

And I am your willing
sl*ve. Huh.

So, uh,
how's it going?

If the flames of hell burn
as fiercely as your lips,

then let the fires consume me.

Oh.

That's very sweet,
really,

but I was just,
you know, sort of--

You tempt me,
devil woman.

Don't make me beg
for my own damnation.

Oh, Johnny.
[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

Oh, Johnny.

Oh, God.

Preparing to hit the road.

Do a little hardcore
investigative journalism.

What are you gonna
investigate?

I, dear sir,

am going in search of the
elusive Jimmy James.

Well, does Dave
know about this?

I don't know. Johnny
gave me the assignment.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, Matthew, I mean,
I think you do a real good job

sitting at this desk
and all that.

Thank you. Yeah.

But don't you think that as a
real reporter, you kinda suck?

Yeah. I know, I know.

You really suck.

That's what I said.
I said that.

But Johnny said I should have
more confidence in myself.

Really?
Anyways, will you

help me with this,
real quick?

Yeah, sure.

No, here--

Okay, well, bon voyage.

Lisa.
Yeah.

You didn't just come here
for a simple make-out session.

I...can sense it.

Oh. Well, yeah,
it's not what you think, Johnny.

Um...
Don't be afraid, Rosebud.

I want something more too.

Oh. Well, to be
honest with you,

I-- I really think second base
is my limit right now.

Lisa Miller, light of my life,
fire of my loins...

will you marry me?

How did it go
in there? Lisa?

Lis-- Lisa?

[PHONE RINGS]

WNYX. Oh-- Oh, hi, Mr. James.

Yeah, Dave, did you get the bag
from Johnny yet?

Uh, no, sir, but I'm trying.

No, no, no, no, now do
or not do, Dave.

There is no try.

I understand.

No, no. No, everything--
Yeah, everything's fine.

You-- You folks just have
a good time. Okay.

Sir, what was that about?

That was your parents.

They're going out
to see a movie.

So I kinda got the place
to myself.

That's good. Well, maybe
you'll have a chance to relax.

I don't relax, Dave. I mean,
the way I'm feeling right now,

I'm capable
of something desperate.

What do you mean?

I don't know. I gotta do
something. I gotta do--

Dave, I can't talk anymore.
I gotta go.

Sir, what do you mean
by desperate?

Sir?

[BOB SEGER'S "OLD TIME
ROCK N' ROLL" PLAYING]

♪ Just take those old records
Off the shelf ♪

It's so big.

Yeah.

It's so beautiful.

Yeah.

What did you do?

Did you fake a pregnancy?

No.

What are you waiting for?
Put it on.

I can't put it on. I've only
known the guy for five days.

Well, exactly. You have
broken the five-day barrier.

He proposed to you?
Yeah.

Well, you get right in there
and turn him down.

Come on.

Jeez, Dave. You give jealous
ex-boyfriends a very bad name.

I'm not jealous.
It's just that this is wrong,

and she doesn't love him.

Actually, I think I might.
No.

Well, I don't know.
I mean, it's crazy.

On the one hand,
it seems like a good thing.

You know? I like him,
he says he loves me.

On the other hand,
we haven't had sex yet,

he's not met my family--

He's evil.
Right.

Hey. This guy giving you any
trouble, boss-ette?

Why can't you suck up to me?

I tried it the first few days.
It didn't take.

All right, Johnny, I think
this has gone far enough.

Since you got here,
you had one goal.

Put Mr. James in jail and to
take over his corporate empire.

That's two goals, Dave.

And now, you're trying to take
advantage of Lisa's emotions.

Manipulate her.
And I don't even know why.

But I'm not gonna
stand for it, all right?

All right, Dave. I'm
gonna be honest with you.

Nobody believes
a word you say, anyway.

I'm evil.

I've been that way
for a long time.

And, uh, yes, I came here
with the sole purpose

of stealing Jimmy's empire.

All that changed the moment
I laid eyes on Lisa.

Oh, come on.

You can't just turn off
your evilosity.

The word is "evilness," Dave.
And yeah, I can.

I happen to have
a talent for evil.

Doesn't mean I like it.

Well, then why do it?

Well, it fills that void within
me. The void that Lisa fills.

I'm a hollow man, Dave.

I'm like a cheap chocolate
Easter Bunny.

So you're telling me that you
would give up evil for Lisa.

Oh, in a heartbeat.

If Lisa married me, I'd finally
be able to give up all this

shallow corporate intrigue
and pursue my real dream.

And what's that?
Teaching English

as a second language.

Are you seri--
I mean, are you serious?

Do you really mean this?

Yes, I do.
And if Lisa says "yes,"

I'll drop this plot against
Jimmy like a hot potato.

All right. Okay.

Prove it.

You want the evidence?

Yeah.

I better wait
till I get an answer.

Okay, give me a minute.

Come on, let's go marry him.

Dave, Dave. No, no.

You are trying to do this
to stop Johnny

from taking over
Mr. James' empire.

Well, sure, that's an added
side benefit, but come on--

You said yourself
you're in love with the guy.

No, I am not going to be

a negotiating pawn
in a corporate battle.

Why not?

It'll be fun.

I mean, besides,
i-i-it's perfect.

Mr. James gets his freedom,
you get to marry a guy

who makes you swoon
every time he touches you

with his magic fingers.

Dave?
What?

Your mom is on the line.
It sounds very important.

Okay,
I'll take the call.

And, you know, you're not
getting any younger.

Hello, Mr. James.

Who--? Who's Mr. James?

It's me, your good old mom.

Well, that certainly
is a cunning impression, sir.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Oh, g-- Guess who's here.

Oh, I don't know.
My Dad.

No, no, no, guess again.

Now, do you
remember this voice?

MATTHEW [SLOW VOICE]:
I remember David.

Matthew.

Wait a minute.

It's me, reporting live
from your boyhood home, David.

Matthew, why are you
at my parents' house?

Because I'm a journalist, Dave.
And I was like:

"Where would I go if
I was running from the law?

Answer: Dave's parents' house."

Well. Well done, Matthew.

Thanks, Dave.

Hey, I actually made
two discoveries today.

That stack of girlie magazines
you had hidden

under your mattress.

Those aren't mine.
Oh, yeah?

[GIGGLES]
Hang on.

Oh, I love little Casper.

Yes, Mama. I love you.

Bye-bye.

Your mother?

Yeah. Dave kind of
inspired me.

We sort of lost contact
when I became evil and all.

But, uh, now that that's over--

Hm. That's what I'm here to talk
to you about.

I've been waiting.

You don't have to kneel.

I just feel more
comfortable like this.

Well, I-- First of all,
I just want to say that

this has been the hardest
decision I've had to make.

You know, because I'm--
I'm, like, really into you.

You know, I'm, like, into you
like a train, you know?

Um, so much so
that it scares me.

But...then I hardly know you.

You know? And on the other hand,
that's kind of exciting.

You have the most magnificent
midsection. Oh.

Oh, Johnny.

All right, listen up,
everybody.

I'm going out for
a couple of hours,

and nobody better try
any crap while I'm gone.

This office is mine!

Johnny, you almost forgot
your lucky bag.

Just leave me alone,
you pest.

Yeah, but--

b*at it!

Was he mad?

I can't believe
you turned him down.

Well, I told him
we could go to third.

Why was he
so mean to me?

I was just trying
to help.

My whole world
is crumbling.

Max, I told you he was evil.

I forgive him.
No.

You know, Dave, just because
Johnny has a broken heart

does not mean
that he is evil.

Good point, dude.

I am not a dude.

Take it easy, man.

I'm sorry, Dave. I just--
I couldn't go through with it.

Yeah. Um-- Um--

Hey, it's your life, huh?

It was very difficult, though.

I mean, I've never had to
turn down a proposal before.

How do you feel?

I-- I feel strangely, um...

powerful.

Mm-hm.
In an evil sort of way.

It's the oddest thing.

Well--

[DOOR CLOSES]

What are you doing
with that duffel bag?

Don't you know if the feds see
that, Jimmy's sunk.

Mr. Nelson, I believe that's
the green duffel bag

we spoke of earlier, is it not?

What?

That's fine work, Nelson.

Yeah, if this is what
I think it is, your Mr. James

is going away
for a long time.

Let's go, boys.
We--

Wow, Dave. Dropping
the dime on Jimmy like that.

Heavy betrayal.

So...it was really you
who wanted to take over

Mr. James'
corporate empire?

Uh-- He set-- He set me up.
I was trying to help Mr. James.

You sure got a funny way
of going about it.

I'm gonna go see
if Johnny

needs a scalp
massage.

This is absurd.
Come on, you guys

must see
how absurd this is.

Sorry, Dave, I only talk
to non-evil people.

You know what?
Uh, I'm gonna leave

before Dave tries to
take over my empire.

Good idea.
Come on.

[PHONE RINGS]

WNY-- Oh, hi, sir.

Yeah. S-- So how
are things going?

Ooh...

about as bad
as they possibly could.

Well, why?
Is Lisa marrying Johnny?

We-- No.

Well, then, that--
That's good news.

What about the duffel bag?

Oh. Well, I-I kind of, uh...
Uh-huh.

...accidentally...
Yeah.

...gave it to the FBI.

Oh, Dave.

I'm sorry, sir.

No, no, it's okay. I'm--
I'm the one that's sorry.

You know, I never should have
put such a heavy load on you.

And you know what?
I've decided to go ahead

turn myself in,
face the music.

Well, I think that's probably
for the best, sir.

When do you think
you'll be coming in?

Oh, just as soon
as the feds come get me.

My ride's here, Dave.
I-- I gotta go. [SCREAMS]

Wait, no!

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪]