05x08 - Clash of the Titans

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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05x08 - Clash of the Titans

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"In 1971, a man calling himself
D.B. Cooper

"h*jacked an airplane
and escaped

"with over $200,000
in ransom money.

"Today, billionaire
industrialist Jimmy James

"stands trial for that crime.

The prosecution rested
yesterday..."

If Mr. James gets put
in a prison,

what happens then?

Oh, it'll be rough on him,
but he'll make it.

No, I-- I mean,

you-- You won't leave us,
will you?

Never, champ.

Yeah, but what if--?
Would a bear hug shut you up?

You know it.

Come on, Dave.
Bear hug.

No.

The defense team is now entering
the court.

Well, hi, Lisa.
Hi, Mr. James.

Uh, thanks, fellas.

I mean, uh, hello,
Lisa Miller

of radio station WNYX,

New York's AM news leader.

Hi.
Hi.

Mr. James, how do you plan
to respond

to prosecution's charges
that you are, in fact,

the legendary skyjacker,
D.B. Cooper?

Uh, I will b*at the white devil
by whatever means necessary.

Excuse me?
Oh, no, don't mind me.

No, I-- I've been reading
Malcolm X lately

and I just wanted to say,
fight the power, kids.

I want to give a big ups
to all my peeps in lockdown,

and University of Florida Gators
rule!

[LAUGHS]

Okay, let's do this.

[♪]

So, Mr. James,

you do not deny that
that green duffel bag

which was used
in the skyjacking,

has been in your sole possession
for the past 28 years?

That is correct.

[INDISTINCT MURMURS]

Aw, jeez, they gonna do that
every time I answer a question?

I mean, come on.

[INDISTINCT MURMURS]

You see what I'm talking about,
judge?

Champagne anyone?

Oh, Johnny,

you're drowning your sorrows

in a bottle of very expensive
champagne.

No, celebrating.

Who's in?

I wouldn't mind
having a snootful.

I don't think so.

Why are you celebrating, boss?
Mr. James is going to jail.

You want to take this one,
Dave?

[SIGHS]
All right.

Johnny wants Mr. James
to go to jail.

It's all part of his evil plan.

You know, the evil plan

I've been warning you about
for weeks?

Bingo.

So, Mr. James, would you care
to tell the court

how you came into the possession
of the duffel bag

that belonged
to Mr. D.B. Cooper?

The story is as follows:

I-- I was camping, you know,
all alone by myself,

just trying to get
my head straight,

enjoying some freeze-dried
turkey loaf

in God's country when, boom.

Boom?
Yeah, boom.

This guy comes parachuting
out of the sky.

Lands on my pup tent and asks me
to give him a lift into town.

Uh-huh. So you just gave
this guy a ride?

Yeah, can you believe it?
After he trashed my tent.

Oh, well, he seemed cool

so, uh,
after I dropped him off,

I noticed that he left
his duffel bag

in the back of my van
and it was-- It was empty.

Mm-hm.

Yes, well, this is a very
convenient alibi

that you've concocted here,
Mr. James.

Thank you.

Yes. And I suppose now that
you're gonna tell the court

you have no idea who this
mysterious stranger was

or where he could be
located today.

Well, yeah, I know who it was.
It was Adam West.

Adam West?
Yeah.

Batman?

That's the one.

No. Adam West
is not D.B. Cooper.

I'm afraid I was,
Your Honor.

Again, Jimmy, I'm really sorry
I got you mixed up in this mess.

Oh, don't worry about it.
It's the least I could do

for the kids of America.

You're D.B. Cooper?

I am, Your Honor.

I was short on cash.

I had bad representation.
I was desperate.

For 28 years I had this
on my conscience but--

Adam?
I was the guy

who jumped out of that plane...

Adam?
...with that green satch-- Yes?

You want to wrap it up?

Of course.

I surrender.

I throw myself on the mercy
of this court.

[SIGHS]

Judge not a man
by the size of his shoes--

JIMMY:
Adam!

Sorry.

You gonna cuff me or what?

[♪]

Hey, hey, hey, I'm back.

[ALL CHEER]
Hi, everybody! Hi!

There's my little Beth.

Ow-- Ow. Ooh.
What?

Are you gonna shave
that prison scruff?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I thought
I'd let it grow out a little bit

because I'm a bona fide
folk hero now, you know?

Mr. James, you're better
than a folk hero.

Dude, you know Batman.

Yeah. That's true.

Well, I made you
a little present here--

What's--? Now, look at that!

That's a picture
of my jail cell.

Yes, it is.

You know, it's just so you can
remember it forever.

Yeah.
See? I got your bunk beds there,

and there's the toilet.
Mm-hm. Yeah.

There's that guy in the cell
next to you

who wanted my home address.
Remember him?

Yeah. Thanks a--
Thanks a lot, Matt.

Okay.

Hey, Mr. James?
Yeah?

I, for one,
would like to offer you

my sincerest congratulations.

That's mighty nice of you.

Yes. And I should also
like to point out

that unlike some people here,

I was never fooled
for one second

by that evil Johnny Johnson.

That's a lie.

You've been dancing around
Johnny like a trained monkey.

All right, wait.
I have a question.

So does anyone here
like a tattletale?

Anyone? Show of hands?

Okay. Where's, uh--?
Where's Johnny right now?

Uh, he's waiting in my office

like a lamb waiting for
the slaughter.

You want me to slaughter him?
Yes, please.

All right. The Angel of Death
has spoken.

Okay.
You can watch if you want.

Uh, could you just try
to go easy on him, Mr. James?

What?
Well, fire him, yeah.

Fire him. Just-- Just don't...

hurt his mouth.

Can do.

Johnny.

Jimmy.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHUCKLES]
You old dog.

You look like, uh, you lost
a little weight, huh?

Yeah. Three words:
Yeah.

fiber, fiber, fiber.

I heard, uh--
I heard you proposed to Lisa.

Yeah. She turned me down.
Oh, that's too bad.

It bugged her that I was trying
to steal your empire

away from you.

[LAUGHS]
Women.

Yeah, tell--

Tell me about it.

Don't get me wrong.
I love the ladies.

I just don't understand them.

Yeah, well, you--
You call me when you do,

because I'm like a blind man
in a bookstore myself.

You know what I mean?
You got that straight.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

By the way, you're fired.

Ha!

You do know that while you were
on the lam

the board of directors
elected me

CEO of Jimmy James Incorporated.

Right. Right, Johnny.
Yeah, my board of directors

would never do that to me.

Of course, uh, I never thought
my board of directors

would be given naked
hot-tub orgies either.

I guess you blackmailed them,
huh?

No, I bribed them.

And we had a naked hot-tub orgy.

You evil son of a g*n.

Guilty as charged.

I'll b*at you in court.

Maybe. But that would take
what, 10 years or so?

Just long enough
to see J. James Incorporated

turned into a penny stock.

All right. You win.

Hm? Excuse me.

Speaking as the Angel of Death,
I'd like you not to give up.

Dave, Dave, what can I say?
The guy b*at me.

Well, s-s-s-sir, you--

Dave, don't you get it?
I'm ruined.

Tell you what.
I'll throw you a bone.

Anything in particular you want?

WNYX.

Oh, well, thank God for that.

Be real.
This is the heart of the beast.

How about that chain
of Internet cafés?

Oh, you mean,
Hot Cup of Web?

Thought I, uh-- Thought
I unloaded that dog already.

Tried. Couldn't. It's yours.

Okay, I'll take it.
But I'll need help.

Could I take, uh--?
Take the staff here with me?

The entire staff? Why don't I
just give you the station?

Okay. Well, how about, uh,
three employees?

One employee.
Two employees?

How about one employee
and Matthew?

How about one employee?

Deal. You got until 5:00
to make your selection.

Okay. Oh-- Oh, Johnny.

By the way, uh,
you know when I-- I told you

you'd-- You'd lost some weight?

Yeah.
Well, I lied.

You look like hell.
Go find a treadmill,

you fat son of a bitch.

Hot Cup of Web?

I can explain.

No, I got nothing.

No, you said you could explain.

Explain. Come on.
Now, Dave-- Dave, come on.

You-- You were there.
I mean, the guy b*at me.

Do you even know
what an Internet café is?

No. Joe?

It's a place where
lonely teenagers go

to drink cappuccino
and download p*rn.

Well, there you go.

Well, there you go, Dave.

I mean, teenagers love
p*rn.

I'll be back on top in no time.

I'm gonna go talk to Johnny.

Okay. Tell him he's looking a
little chunky, would you, honey?

That's-- That's--
That's the best you can do?

I mean, the guy ruins you,

and your response is to make him
self-conscious about his weight?

Okay, I have a question.
Yeah?

Okay, Mr. James,

you do have a plan, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

See, David?
Don't stop believing.

All right.
Well, then, what is this plan?

Okay, everybody,
could you just please

come over here
for a second?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I, all right?
Mm-hm.

I am gonna get my empire back
from Johnny...

[GIGGLES]

...someway...

somehow.

That's it?

That's an awesome plan.

Thanks, Joe.

I have a way to make it
even awesomer.

What's that, Matthew?

Well, first,
A, get the empire back...

Right.

...and then, B,
you take everyone out

for banana splits.

Well, that's good. Yeah.
That's good, Matthew.

See? Uh-huh.
But you know what?

I gotta be careful that I don't
get the plan too complicated.

You know what I mean? Yeah.
MATTHEW: All right.

That plan sucks.
Hello?

Yeah, except, uh--
Except for the ice cream part

which is mine,
I-- I have to say.

Okay, whatever. I, for one,
am not gonna stand for this.

What? Whoo!

Hey, Dave,
how come I wasn't invited

to the anti-Johnny
movement?

Because you're in love
with Johnny.

Jealous?

[♪]

BETH:
♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪

♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

♪ Of thee I sing... ♪

Sir, what the hell
is she doing?

Huh? Oh, oh,
she's protesting, Dave.

She says
she's not gonna stop singing

until Johnny gives me
my empire back.

I know, I know.
I-it's kind of out there.

But take it
from an old hippie like myself,

this is-- This is just
the kind of thing

that can jump-start a movement,
know what I mean?

♪ Land of the pilgrim's pride
From every mountainside ♪

♪ Let freedom ring ♪

Mikey, k*ll the feed.

Put us on to a national news
broadcast

for the rest of the day.
BETH: ♪ ...of thee I sing ♪

♪ Land where my father-- ♪

ANNOUNCER:
Salmonella poisoning is proof

Americans refuse to take--

Ah, there's my girl.

Um, just sit down, okay?

Because this is hard enough
as it is.

Is somebody giving you
a hard time?

You give me
their social security number.

I'll have them terminated.

By terminated, I mean k*lled.

Well, no, that won't
be necessary, Johnny.

But, um, thank you.

Any time. Now,
what's on your prodigious mind?

Well...

I would like you to give Jimmy
his empire back.

I know you do, sweetie.

Anything else?
I'm serious.

If you don't give him
his empire back, we're through.

It's me or the empire,
okay?

This is me
and this is the empire.

Okay.
Ah, ah, ah!

I wanna make this
perfectly clear to you.

Me...

the empire.

That's easy.

I choose you.
Oh, Johnny.

And the empire.

No. It doesn't work
that way.

It's me or the empire.
All right.

Have you noticed how
good-looking guys

with really nice cars
get lots of dates?

Now, imagine
a really good-looking guy,

a nice car and an empire.
You do the math.

You're so crazy.

By the way,

the correct answer was me.

Psst. Mr. James.
Huh?

Max, aren't you supposed to be
in the booth?

I-I can't.
Beth's still protesting.

Oh, yeah.
Listen, M-Mr. James,

I want you to know that I'm not
friends with Johnny anymore.

I could never be friends
with someone who hurt you.

Thank you, Max.
No problem.

Hey, boss. Hot towel?

It's lukewarm at best.

You're a wicked one,
Max Lewis.

[CHUCKLES]

Wait. Listen, Mr. James?
Yeah?

Uh, I know you get to take

one employee
with you when you go.

That's right.

And, uh, it grieves me
to say this,

but I don't think
you should pick me.

Neither do I. Obviously the
choice is between Dave and Lisa.

All right. Well, now you're
obviously in denial.

I just think
that the station needs me.

I could never rest
in my campaign

to inconvenience Johnny.

Okay. You're not gonna
go quietly, are you?

I'm not going at all,
captain.

What's on your mind?

Forget about my mind, dude.

This is strictly about
my fists of steel.

And that's too bad,
'cause in a different world

I think we
probably coulda hung out.

So you're gonna b*at me
out of this office?

Yeah. You leave me no choice
but to bring it on.

Well, fair enough.

How do you feel
about nunchucks?

See,
I knew we coulda hung out.

MATTHEW:
Joseph?

Is this guy bothering you?

No.

Get outta here. I told you,
I'll take care of this myself.

Hey, I read you.
I'm just here for backup.

You go ahead
and kick his ass.

What you got
in that towel there, Matthew?

In here?

Just some old oranges,
that's all.

Really?
Yeah.

Interesting thing
about oranges in a towel.

Somebody accidentally gets,
say,

beaten with 'em,

no bruises.

Looks like you've got a bunch
of peeled orange slices in here.

Yeah, I know. I--
My mom peels them for me

because I have very soft nails.

Dude, get-- Get outta here.

Go.
Back up, Joe.

I'm just--
I'm right here for you.

This is your last warning.

Leave now or get
the b*ating of your life.

Yeah, and remember,
if you get through Joe,

I'm right here behind him.

Dude-- Dude, stop pressing
against me like...

What--?
What are you doing?

What--?
Can you feel me, Joe?

I'm right here.
Dude!

Back up.
You're ruining everything!

You stay right there, little
missy. Keep your panties on.

[♪]

JOHNNY:
Hey, Dave.

Hey, Johnny.

Is that any way
to greet your boss?

You know,
I'm not exactly thrilled

to have you as a boss.

Well, I'm thrilled as heck
to have you as an employee, huh?

How's that make you feel?
I don't know.

What are you--? What are you
sh**ting for here? Disdain?

Nausea? Contempt?

Dave, the Johnny Johnson Express
is leaving the station.

And I'm offering you a seat
in first class.

Look, I'll work for you,
all right?

I'm under contract. But
I'm never gonna be your friend.

All right?
Boutonniere, boss?

Thanks, champ.
It's wilted.

All right, Dave.
Have it your way.

I stretched my hand out
in brotherhood

and you did one
of those things.

Max?

Here you go, Dave.

Yeah, what the hell's
that supposed to be?

That's your new desk.

You're my new cub reporter.

Johnny, ahem,
it's not for me to say,

but I think, uh,
you're making a big mistake.

Jimmy, please don't tell me
how to run your business.

Which again is now mine.
All right.

If you demote Dave who's gonna
be the new news director?

Oh, not a problem.
Here's your first scoop, kid.

There's a new news director
that's been appointed at WNYX.

And his name's
Johnny Johnson.

Sorry, Dave.

It's all right.

It's not really your fault,
is it?

You know what?

I haven't had much
to laugh at lately.

Uh, would you mind?

Mind...?
Get-- You know.

Oh, well,
what the hell.

Uh-huh.

[GRUNTING]

There you go.
I'm sitting at a little desk.

Does that amuse you?

Not as much as I thought.

Well, you know, I'm not doing
this for my own amusement.

No, you're doing it
for mine. Heh-heh!

Hang on,
I'm gonna get a camera.

[♪]

Johnny.

Jimmy.

It's getting a little late,

so I thought
I'd just take my, uh, employee

and get out of your hair.

Well, don't hurry
on my account.

I enjoy watching you
twist in the wind.

Yeah, well.
The show's over, lardass.

Who are you gonna
take with you?

Well, actually,
I thought, uh--

I thought you could help me out
with that. Hey, guys?

Guys, could you come here
and line up for me, please?

I really appreciate--
That's great.

That's great.
Don't they all look great?

You have such--
Such fine specimens.

It's so hard, so hard
to make a decision.

Do you want me
to take my shirt off?

Dude, you're making me
really uncomfortable.

What?
All right,

who are you gonna pick?
Okay. Ahem. All right.

I pick...

you.

[CHATTERING]

Hey. I've been getting that
all morning.

That's cute, lunchmeat.

But you can't pick me.

You said I could pick
any employee of WNYX.

Yeah, but I'm not an employee.
You weren't this morning.

But, uh, didn't you just take
the position of news director?

[CHATTERING]

What did I just say?

[SIGHS]

You got me.

You mean you're actually
giving up?

Well, I had to, sweetness.
The man b*at me fair and square.

But you're evil.

That's no excuse
for poor sportsmanship.

MAX: Johnny?
Yeah?

You suck.

[MOUTHS]
Call me.

[MOUTHED DIALOGUE]

Well, beautiful piece of work,
Jimmy.

You were what, six steps
ahead of me the whole time?

Seven,
but who's counting?

You're fired. Now get out.

Fine. But, uh, believe me,
I will be back

and when I am,
in all sincerity,

all of you will serve me.

Especially you, Lisa.

Cutie.

God bless.

Congratulations.
Thank you, men.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

All right. Thank you.
Thank you.

[HOARSELY]
Mr. James, did my protest work?

What?

Did my protest work?
Yeah.

ALL:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.
I did it all.

Thank you for saving
my empire.

Mr. James, I think
it might be time

for part B
of the plan.

What's that, Matthew?
Ice cream.

Yeah, you know what? I--
I actually happen to know a bar

that, uh, serves ice cream.
Let's go.

JOE: Excellent.
JIMMY: Yes. All right.

Oh, and Mr. James?
Yeah?

Tell me something.

Uh, did you really have a plan?
Or was that just dumb luck?

Oh, Dave, Dave.

What you think of as--
As dumb luck is actually...

Let's go get that drink.

[♪]

[♪]
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