05x09 - Boston

[bunniefuu]

All right,
thanks, everybody,

but I've got the speech
worked out, okay?

How about this? "After you
graduate, get out of Wisconsin

or you'll wind up working at
the cheese mill all your life."

Well, first off, that--
That isn't true. All right?

And second, they're called
"dairies", not cheese mills.

And third, a lot of them
have good employee benefits.

Really, Dave?
Uh, like what?

All the free cheese you could
smuggle out in your overalls?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, four, not everyone
in Wisconsin wears overalls.

Whatever, Dave.
And five,

the overalls are a very
comfortable, functional garment

for the working man.

Something cynical urbanites
like yourselves overlook.

No, it's true. I, uh-- I happen
to have a pair of overalls

that I wear
on the weekends. Mmm.

I thought you wore your
footy pajamas on the weekends?

Oh, yeah, sure, I do,
but, you know, when I go out

I like to sling on
a pair of overalls

over my pj's
and really let her rip.

So, what's going on?

Dave has to give
a speech

to the kids
at his high school.

I'm just putting down

a few words
of advice on videotape for them.

My-- My English teacher
asked me to.

Oh. Couldn't get
out of it, huh?

I had no desire to.

Mr. Thernstrom
taught me more

than I learned
in all my other courses.

Oh, I get you, I get you.
Like, like, "Don't do dr*gs."

No. He abhorred a cliché.

Oh, so his message was,
"Do do dr*gs"?

No. It's just
that his wisdom

was a little more
sophisticated-- [GIGGLES]

Oh, sorry.
Yes, Matthew?

"Do do."

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, that's right,
Matthew. Do-do.

[LAUGHING]

Do-do. Poop-poop.
[LAUGHING]

You know, Dave, that kind
of material might have

gone over big
at the cheese mill,

but here
we're a bit beyond that.

I'm not.
Me, neither.

Ca-ca!

Thank you, sweethea--
Mm-hm.

Beth, what's wrong
with your hands?

Oh, um, I have
carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oooh, boy, that's terrible.
People get that from, uh,

like typing too much, right?
Yeah.

How'd you get it?
Beats me.

Actually,
it might not be carpal tunnel.

The doctor told me
to wrap my hands

until the tests come back.

But if you need some time off--
Oh, that's fine.

It's just a minor inconvenience.
Okay.

Thank you.
[PHONE RINGS]

Um, actually, would you mind?
No.

Thank you.

WNYX.

No, he's not in right now,
but could I take a message?

Okay, go ahead.
But could you speak slowly?

Thank you.
And that's 2:00?

Okay. Ah! Ahhh.

You know what? Um,
could you call back

because I'm getting
a charley horse.

[♪]

[♪]

And lawmakers expressed hope
the bill would pass

before the next recess.

More news after this.

You know what, I can help you
fix that if you want.

Help me fix what, Max?

Your speech impediment.

I do not have
a speech impediment.

Yeah, of course you do.

It's a classic example
of a sibilant S.

No, I most certainly do not have
a sibilant S.

"No, I mossst certainly do not
have a sssibilant S."

That's not how I sound.

"That's not how I sssound."
Stop it.

"Ssstop it."
Shut up.

"Shut up." Ssss.

I'm just trying to help you.

Joe put magnetic strips
on it for me.

Cool, huh?

Y-you're sure there's
enough light in here, Joe?

Relax, dude.
It's gonna be fine.

You're taking this video
pretty seriously.

Well, Mr. Thernstrom was
a pretty big inspiration for me.

My English teacher was
an inspiration to me too.

Uh-huh.
I take it she didn't wear a bra.

And, dude, if anyone
ever needed one, it was her.

Oh, man.

Hey, do I have a speech
impediment?

Eh, no. Why?

Max is saying
I have a sibilant S.

Oh, that? Yeah, yeah.

But it's charming.

What do you mean?

I mean, um,
it's kind of cute.

Say "seesaw."
What?

Yeah, yeah.
Say "seesaw".

Forget it.
Oh, come on.

I love it when she says
"seesaw".

Me too. It's really cute,
isn't it?

Mm-hm.

All right, let's do this.
In three, two, one.

Greetings, fellow--
And action.

Greetings, fellow Grizzlies,
and of course, Mr. Thernstrom.

Dave Nelson here
from the class of '83.

You know, back then,
a very wise man

gave me two valuable bits
of advice:

Aim high
and never give up.

Now, when I say "aim high"--
Dude. I gotta stop you there.

Something wrong with the camera?
No, your speech.

What?
It's crap.

Well, great.
Thank-- Thank you, Joe.

Leave the camera,
and I'll do this on my own.

All right, fine. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

Greetings,
fellow Grizzlies.

Dude, I'm sorry.
I can't let you do that.

What? What's wrong? I'm just
telling them to aim high.

Hey, I aimed high.
What good did it do me?

Well, you're one of the best

self-educated electricians/
conspiracy theorists.

Yeah, but I got lucky.
What?

Dude, let me tell you something.
Back when I was in college--

I thought you didn't
go to college.

You said it was
a spawning ground

for the mind slaves
of the secret ruling elite.

Not every college.
Just Ohio State.

Anyway, when I was in college,
all right, I didn't wanna

pick any one
of those easy majors like--

Like English, or History,
or Communications.

Yeah, I--I-- I was
a Communications major, Joe.

Oh, really?

Anyway, I-I wanted to pick
something

that would really challenge me.

So I chose Applied Mathematics.

Yeah, but, J-Joe, that's the
toughest major you could pick.

No kidding.

Yeah, that's why after a year
and a half I flunked out.

I don't want those kids
to go through

that same humiliation
I went through.

So, what you're saying is...
Aim low.

Aim low.

Yeah, that's great advice.
Aim low.

Aim low-- If I had
a college diploma,

you think I'd be here
right now?

No, I'd be in Area 51
with the big boys.

I wouldn't be here. I'd be back
engineering alien technology.

I wouldn't be wasting
my homemade duct tape on--

On coffee machines
and toasters, and--

Whatever, dude. Have fun
with your little speech.

Joe.
Good day, sir.

Come on, Joe.
I said, good day, sir!

"Some centaurs saw a saucer."
And again.

"Some centaurs saw a saucer."
Again.

"Some centaurs saw a--"
Stop.

Lisa...

what part of Boston
are you from?

I only lived there till I was 7.
How'd you know that?

What part?
Hyde Park.

Hyde Park?

I think not.

Sounds like West Roxbury.

We were right on the border
of West Roxbury.

Our zip code was in Hyde Park.

Of course.

I've seen this before.

And then when you were 7
you moved to--

Connecticut.
Correct.

And the children at your new
school made fun of your accent

so you got rid of it.

I talked my parents

into letting me
see a speech therapist.

A charlatan who cured you
of your Boston accent

yet burdened you

with the inimitable
sibilant S.

Max, that makes no sense.

"Some centaurs saw a saucer."

"Some centaurs saw a saucer."

Saucer.
Saucer.

Sau-cer.
Sau-cer.

Sir. Sir.
Sir. Sir.

Perfect.
I gotta go now.

Wait, no.

Perfection isn't enough.
We need to be superhuman.

To the radio listener,

we are gods.

No, we're not.

Well, not yet.

Not until we have eradicated
the sibilant S.

[SIGHS]

Now...

répétez.
Répétez.

No, don't--

[LAUGHS]

Don't-- Don't say "répétez".

It's a French word
for "do it again".

Do what again?

Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Again.

Some centaurs saw a saucer.
Good.

Now 5000 more times.

Often, more often
than I ever imagined,

we have to put aside
intellectual reasoning

and follow our hearts.

Now, w-when I say
"follow your heart",

what I-- What I mean--

Hello, Wisconsin.

Hey, this is my boss

Mr. Jimmy James.
Hi.

Do you have words of advice

for the leaders of tomorrow,
sir?

Yeah, always use a condom.

And if-- If-- If you're
too embarrassed

to buy 'em
at the drugstore

just-- Just you shoplift 'em.
It's easy.

Thank you, sir.
Now I have to start again.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right.

What were you telling them
about following your heart?

Well, you know,
when I was in high school

I thought you could
logically reason your way

through every decision--

Yeah, I got you. Did I ever
tell you about Margie?

Marg-- I don't think so.

Yeah, my high school sweetheart
Margie.

Man, oh, Manishevitz,
did I love that girl.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, but after we graduated,

she went off to college
up in Oregon

and I didn't wanna quit my job.

I stayed in Florida.
We said we'd write.

But then you sorta lost touch
and you always wondered

what would have happened
if you had followed your heart?

Oh, no, Dave, I-- I--
I did follow my heart.

I quit my job.
I lit off for Oregon,

I moved into her dorm room
with her. Oh.

Yeah. And then it all
just went to hell.

I mean, I didn't have a job.

So she had to sneak food
out of the dining hall and she--

The campus police busted
her for stealing trays.

She blamed me.
I, of course, joined the Army

to get back at her.

Then I spent
the next two years,

you know, dodging mortar shells
in Southeast Asia.

Yeah, yeah, but-- But if you
hadn't followed your heart

you would have always been left
wondering what might have been.

Oh, yeah, yeah. L-let's think
about that for a second.

Uh, l-let's see, lovelorn
fry cook in Ocala, Florida

or bitterly depressed
human target in Cam Ranh Bay?

Okay, sir, so you had a bit
of a tough break there.

But the principle--
Tough break.

I'll tell you what you tell
the little snots.

You tell them-- You tell them
to follow your head, all right?

You follow your head.

Because if your heart
starts talking

y-you just make your head
tell it to shut the hell up!

I can't believe that you made me
all upset here.

Why'd you have to bring up
Margie anyway?

Well, sir, I-- I-- I--
I-- I didn't. Sir, sir.

I really didn't--

What?

You want me to-- You want me
to take you off the air.

Why? Why?
[MOUTHED SPEECH]

Oh, eh, the strep throat again?
Oh, Beth?

Will you call the doctor and get
him to see Lisa right away?

Dave, I just put my shoe
back on.

Beth, just--

Well, uh...

So, what's, uh,
the problem, huh?

[BOSTON ACCENT]
I spent three years in speech therapy

trying to cover this God-awful
Boston accent.

And after 45 minutes with Max,
I'm back at the chowder house

serving scrod to those jerks
from Harvard.

Hey, the sibilant S is gone.

Am I a miracle worker or what?

Up yours, you loser.

[♪]

[♪]

DAVE:
Thanks, Beth,

but I've really heard
enough really depressing

personal anecdotes
for one day.

Dave, it's not depressing,
it's uplifting.

And it's for the kids.

All right, all right, all right.
So you're in 7th grade, right?

Right. And my parents decided
I should go to private school,

so I got the whole uniform.

You know, the plaid skirt
and the white tights? Yeah.

So I show up
on the first day,

and I'm the only person
wearing a uniform.

Turns out
this particular school

does not require uniforms.

So everyone's laughing at me.

Oh, God, please stop.

And I just wanted to cry,
you know?

I felt like crying,
but I didn't.

I just went along
with them and laughed,

like it was some big joke,
you know?

And then the next day,
I wore the uniform.

And that became
my "thing."

The girl who wears
the wacky outfits. Ha-ha-ha!

Which you continue
to do to this day, right?

Well, yes, Dave. Because
once you start, you can't stop.

Or people will think
you're chickening out.

Then 19 years go by
and you're a grown woman

who dresses like a...
[GROANS]

I don't know what the hell I'm
supposed to look like anymore.

I mean, you know?

Thanks. That was uplifting.

Tell the kids, Dave.

Conform.
Don't stick out.

Fit in.

Go along with the crowd, okay?
Mm-hmm.

No one should have
to end up like this, Dave.

Uh-huh.

[♪]

I think this one sticks
a little bit.

Joe, there is nothing wrong
with my drawer.

Maybe it's this one here.
There's nothing wrong with it.

Ahem. Lisa, could I borrow that?
My stapler?

Oh, my God, uh,
what is that on your desk?

This?
Yeah, what the hell do you call

that-- That thing again?
My computer?

[LAUGHS]
"Computah."

Ha-ha-ha. It's not funny,
you guys. It's not--

Oh, Lisa, what's this I found
on your desk?

It's a pencil.

I'm sorry, don't you mean
a "pencil"?

That's what I said.

Yeah, right.

I'm gonna go grab a soda.

Can you grab me a bottle
of water? [LAUGHS]

Dave, tell them
to stop teasing me.

You tell them.
It sounds funnier.

[GURGLES]

Mmm. Popcorn, I see.
Good choice.

Thank you.

So how's that old speechwriting
coming along, huh?

Swimmingly. Couldn't be better.
Don't need any advice.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Are you sure? 'Cause I do have
some advice for the wee ones.

Please, no.

Why not? I-I-- Yeah.
Why--? Why not? Why not?

Because today
your cohorts

have convinced me
to tell the kids

to fit in, give up,
aim low,

and never, ever
follow your heart.

That's the exact opposite

of what I was gonna tell 'em.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I was gonna tell 'em
to aim high.

You know, keep--
Keep trying.

Dare to be different.
And just do whatever it takes

to make your dreams
a reality.

Well, yeah. Yeah.
Exactly. See?

Those aren't such bad rules
to try to live your life by

are they? No.
No, they are not. No, sir.

What do you think got me
where I am today?

Oh, I shoulda known.

[BEEPS]

Oh, Dave, your popcorn.

Ow!

Dave?

Dave?

Lisa...

Um...

I'm sorry.
I wanna apologize for--

We were really, really ragging
on you hard before.

Whatever.
No, I-- Okay.

Seriously, you seem
very sensitive about it

and I'm sorry
if I hurt you.

Thank you.

Now, does your mother talk
like that all the time?

What?
You know, ugly.

Like the way
you're talking now.

Does she do that ugly talk
all the time, or...?

Can we not bring my mother
into this, please?

Oh, no, I'm not.
I was just thinking

what if your mom
talked like that?

You must be embarrassed
every time she opens her mouth.

Matthew, I have a wicked
short fuse today, okay?

No, no, no. I was just thinking,
I guess I'm lucky

'cause everyone in my family,
ahem,

talks like normal people.

And I guess we can't all be
that lucky though, right?

Okay, yes.
My mother talks like this,

and so does my father,
and so do my brothers.

And guess what?
They're tons smarter than you.

I'm sorry, I didn't understand
a word of that.

Could you repeat?

Matthew?
Yeah?

Do you like apples?
Sure.

You spilled your popcorn.
How do you like them apples?

Me-- Me no like.

[♪]

What? What's the big deal?
Shhh.

What, do you wanna make out?
No. No.

Okay? I need you
for a little girl talk.

Uh, Beth, I'm not a girl.

I know that, Joe.

But I tried talking to Lisa,
okay?

When she said "heart-to-heart,"
I started laughing.

So you're just gonna
have to fill in.

Do I have to act
like a girl?

If you want to.
Well, I don't.

Hey, good for you.
Okay. Here's my problem.

I don't have carpal tunnel
syndrome.

There's nothing wrong
with my hands.

I made it up.
Well, that's stupid.

If you could act a little bit
more like a girl...

No. Effeminate man's my limit.
Fine, let's go with that.

Okay. Honey, why'd you do
such a silly thing as that?

Okay, that's good. Okay.
Good, good, good.

This morning, when I got up,
I thought it'd be a great idea

to mix all my nail polish colors
together to see what I got.

Only the color I got
was hideous, right?

I didn't have time
to take it off, so--

So you wrapped your hands
in bandages

and faked a medical condition?
Yeah.

Tell me what you think
of this color.

I'm getting sick
of these bandages.

It's fine.

Okay, is that
the effeminate man talking

or the man-man talking?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's really important

that you make out with me
right now!

Hey, kids.

Go, Grizzlies.

dr*gs are bad, huh?

I sure could use
a drink though.

Dave, where's Max?

Huh? Why?
Why?

Yeah, why?

LISA [OVER RADIO]:
A stalker was found on Madonna's property.

A spokesman for the singer
said she'd press charges.

WNYX newstime:
half past 4.

Isn't it wonderful?

No, it isn't wonderful, Max.

Now go out there
and undo what you did.

You mean, reconnecting Lisa
with the sweet, brave child

at the core
of her inner self?

No. Uh-uh. I mean-- I mean
screwing up Lisa's accent so--

so I'll pull her off the air,
so you can ask for a raise.

Oh, that.

An unfortunate side effect.

Oh, forget it.
I gotta do everything myself.

Hey, how's that speech coming?

Get lost, Max.

No, I have some
wonderful advice for the kids.

What--? What is it?
"Give up"? "Life sucks"?

"Get cancer early and often"?

No.
What happened to you?

I'm sorry. I've just had
a little bit too much advice

from the people around here
today.

Oh, well, there's your problem.
What?

Taking advice
from a bunch of losers.

They are not losers, Max.

Then why did they end up
working here?

Okay, Max, first off,

this is not such
a bad place to work.

And second off, why does anyone
end up anywhere, all right?

Y-you start out in one direction
and you end up someplace else.

Okay--
These people had tough breaks

but they've made the best of it.
Okay--

I won't have you say because
they work here, they are losers.

Do you understand me?
Okay, I'm sorry. Jeez.

All right, well, what's your
advice for the kids, Max?

I just wanted to tell them
that it's okay to be a loser.

'Cause I'm one, and it's
worked out pretty good for me.

[♪]

JIMMY: Again.
"Some centaurs, sir."

No, again.

Some centaurs--

No, again.

Hey, Dave,
you finish that speech?

Uh, just about. Yeah, I-I think
I finally got it figured out.

Good.
F-feeling good about it, really.

What'd you decide--?
No!

What?
Sorry. Force of habit.

I'll leave you to it.
Okay. Again.

Okay. Some centaurs--

No. Again.

I can help you fix that.
Oh, no, thanks, Max.

You've done
enough damage already.

No, no, not her. You.
What about me?

"Again." Say it.
Again.

Ocala, Florida. Am I right?
Yeah.

Just south of the railroad
tracks?

Yeah.

Your boyhood home
had a wooden floor.

Look, son, you try
that "rain in Spain" crap on me,

I'll be on you
like ugly on a ape.

On an ape.
Max.

Leaving.

What I'm trying to say
is that...

no matter how well you think
you know someone, look deeper.

Even your closest friends
have layers of complexity

that you can't imagine.

And understanding them,

I mean,
really understanding them

is the key to compassion

and to forgiveness

and to friendship.

Thank you, Grizzlies.

And most of all, thank you,
Mr. Thernstrom.

Profound words.
Yes, class?

And inspired stuff.

Mr. Thernstrom?
I'm in the middle of a class.

Of course you are, but it's time
for your medication.

Very well. Class dismissed.

[♪]

[♪]