05x11 - Stinkbutt

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Beth.

Beth, Beth, Beth.
Wasn't painting the WNYX mural

supposed to be your job?

Yes.

In fact, wasn't this whole

"free expression"
mural project your idea?

Yes.
In fact, aren't you the person

who hounded me to go down to the
building supervisor's office

every day for a month
to ask for this project?

Kagh! uh, Roger that, Dave.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, then-- Then why is it--
The WNYX mural

is the only one
that has not been completed?

Hello? We haven't even
started it yet.

I want you to take the rest of
the day off and finish this.

Thank you, Dave!
Thank you!

B-but-- Oh, Beth.

Save some for me?

Beth, you have the day off
to finish the mural!

Hey, Dave, what's that?
Hm?

What are you--?

I believe
that's rightfully mine.

[SIGHS]

[♪]

[♪]

Morning, Matthew.

Oh, morning, Dave.

Oh!

Morning, Lisa.

Is Matthew still out there?

Yes.

What's the problem?

Matthew is still out there.

Yes. But, Lisa, that's, uh--

That's a problem we have to deal
with every day of the week.

Well, I don't particularly feel
up to facing it today,

that's all.

Matthew, will you come in here
for a minute?

Yeah, what up?

Uh, Matthew, I just want--

I'm sorry. Did you do--
Yeah.

--or say something
to upset Lisa to--

You guys are wearing
the same sweater.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Isn't it cool?
It's cool, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's very cool, Matthew.

See, see, I told you.
Ha, ha, ha.

You can go now.

Hey, you wanna
switch sweaters

at lunch just for kicks?

Get out.

Just an idea.
Hey, we'll talk later, okay?

So?
So?

So, what are you gonna
do about it?

Nothing. Nothing.

Its-- What?
It's kind of funny.

Yes, I can see that you think
it's funny.

Uh-huh. Yeah. But though,
I'm not laughing at you.

I mean, I'm--
I'm laughing at him.

No, you're not,
you're laughing at us.

Me and Matthew. Lumped together
in some unholy bundle.

Hey, Mr. James.

Well?

Hey, you shaved off
your beard.

No. I-- Well, I mean,
yeah, I shaved it off.

Don't you wanna know why I came
in through the window?

No. I wanna know why
you shaved off your beard.

I mean, the ladies
found that sexy.

Oh, the ladies,
they loved it! Oh, man!

Yeah, but I thought I--
Yeah.

All right. Are--
Aren't you the least bit curious

about why I came through
the window though?

Sir, I'm--
I-I'm trying very hard

to let my curiosity take a back
seat to my sanity this morning.

Ah. Well, you know, I did it
to confuse my kidnappers.

Ah!
[CLAPPING]

Ah!
All right, my man.

My beeyotch.

Hey, I'm feeling safer already.

You are safer already.
That's right.

Sir, aren't you gonna introduce
me to beeyotch?

Yeah! Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave.

This is Jack Frost, Dave Nelson.

Hi.
Pleasure to meet you, Dave Nelson.

Jack Frost,
Personal Security Consultant.

Yeah, he's been on all
the TV shows.

He protects the rich
and famous like Goldie Hawn,

Donald Tr*mp, Princess Di.

Princess Di.

Well done.

We still have Goldie.

So, Jack, tell him why
I came in through the window.

Well, if the kidnapper watches
him enter your room

through a conventional channel,
i.e. door.

He will soon manifest
this spot as a PAA.

Or "Potential Arena for Ambush."

Now, by changing Jimmy's routine

we make the kidnappers feel
insecure, weak, out of control.

Ah. I-I see. Now--

Now, is anyone trying
to kidnap you, sir?

Not at the moment. But it
pays to be on the safe side.

Yeah. Kidnapping, it's not--
It's not just for kids anymore.

True enough, sir.
But, don't you think

this is all
just a little extreme?

Oh, yeah. Well, you know what?
Ahem. Jack, why don't you--

You give Dave a little
demonstration, all right?

Mr. Nelson--
Mm?

--uh, I'd like you to point
at something on your desk

that can not be used
as a deadly w*apon.

Uh, what?

Yeah, yeah. Just do it.

Uh, that.

The envelope.

Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLES]

Is that a yes?
Yes.

Little white
envelope here, huh?

Hm, yes, the white envelope
that I pointed at.

Okay.

Ooh-ah!

Uh-huh! Now, do you want
this letter mailed

C-O-D or B-L-O-O-D?

Oh,

Bravo! Bravo!

Way to go, my man!

Okay, pop quiz.
Yeah.

Where are you most likely
to be rescued from a kidnapping?

Uh, I-I-I don't know.
I give up.

In your dreams.

[LAUGHS]

Prevention is the key.
Oh, sure. Sure.

Hey, Mr. James. You shaved off
your little sexy beard.

Yeah.

Aah!
What?

I'm sorry, Max.
I didn't know it upset you.

No, it's not you. It's him!

Oh, have-- Have you two met?

Yes.

At the very gates of hell!

Ah, back off, fella.

Get your hands off me,
you monster!

Oh, no, no, no.
Max, it's okay.

This is Jack Frost,
he's my security consultant.

Oh, yeah, that's what he's
calling himself now?

Mr. James, this man is not
who he says he is.

Ha, ha, ha.

I know what's going on here.

Ah, yes.

This specimen
is responding to my ZC.

"Zone of Confidence."

He's confusing
my willingness to protect

with aggression towards him.

Oh! Oh.
What a bunch of crap!

And he's a lunatic.
Yeah.

Mr. James, now, you know me.

Now, I-I-I'm weird,
but I am no lunatic.

He's the lunatic!

What do we do?

Okay, three things.
Yeah.

Keep smiling.
I'm smiling.

Hello. Back slowly away.

I'm backing away.
Hm.

Yeah, what's next?
Run like hell.

Oh. All right.
Go, go, go.

[♪]

Joe, what are you doing?

Mixing colors for the mural.

Well, you're supposed to be
fixing the reel-to-reel.

Come on, man. You know art
comes first with me.

No, I did not know that.

Yeah, art comes first with me.

Ah. Well, a-a-and your
job comes?

That comes fourth.

Hm. Not even second
or third, huh?

[SIGHS]

Beth?
Okay. Dave.

Places one, two and three are
taken up by art in Joe. Okay?

I'm very sensitive.

No, you're not.

[SIGHS]

Dave, are you just
gonna stand there

and watch me cry
or leave us in peace?

Fine, I withdraw.

Oh. Matthew, while I've got
you here,

I need--
Excuse me?

Oh! Hey, Lisa.

Matthew. You just now
called me Matthew.

No. I said, hey, Lisa.

Dave, Dave, check this out.

♪ Double your pleasure
Double your fun ♪

Matthew, knock it off.
What? Come on, Lisa.

Double your fun.

All right, Matthew.
Yeah.

I want you to go home at lunch

a-and ch-change your sweater,
all right?

I don't understand.
Look, I know

it's just some sort of freak
accident that you're wearing

the same sweater as Lisa.
No, no.

It's not a freak
accident, Dave.

I saw Lisa wearing this sweater
a couple of weeks ago.

I said to myself,
gotta have it!

Thank God, I know
where she shops, huh?

Matthew?
Yeah.

You're aware of the fact
that Lisa's a woman, aren't you?

Dave, you know what
your problem is?

I know what one
of my problems is.

You have an outmoded
idea of gender. Uh?

You think that girls are
supposed to run around in frilly

frilly little dresses
and pink bows in their hair.

And boys are supposed to be all
spiders and--

And snakes and combat boots.

Let me tell you
something, Dave.

This is the '90s and people--

Well, enlightened people.

--can wear whatever
they feel like.

And I feel like wearing this.
Deal with it.

[♪]

There's something rotten
in the state of Denmark.

Max, shouldn't you be doing
this foreign report on the air?

I am quoting Hamlet .

Mm, if it checks out with AP,
run with it.

All right, forget that.

I am here to warn you
about Jack Frost.

Oh, Mr. James' uh,
security consultant.

All right, you know what?

If that guy's a security
consultant, then I'm a virgin.

That means he's not
a security consultant.

Ah! Okay.

He is what psychiatrists call

a "compulsive impostor."
Yeah, what's that mean?

It means he has a compulsion

to pretend to be things
that he isn't.

He takes assumed names.

And then he pretends
to be priests

and lawyers and nuclear
physicists.

Even doctors.

Oh, like Tony Curtis
in that movie?

Yes. Yes.

Well, except

Jack Frost doesn't have
the eyelashes of a Greek god.

Hm.

Max, how do you know
all of this?

Please, Dave, don't, uh--

Don't ask me about the scar.

What scar?

I said don't ask
me about it!

Okay. Fine.

It throbs whenever he's near.

[SIGHS]

What throbs?

The scar!

Haven't you been listening?

Max, this scar of yours,

is it sensitive
to atmospheric changes?

Can it predict rain?
Does it talk?

No.

Well, then it's
of no interest to me.

The scar isn't a joke, Dave.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Revenge will be mine.

[♪]

Clear left.
Clear right.

Clear right!
Go, go, go!

Wow!

I didn't know coming out
of an elevator was so dangerous.

Well, everything is dangerous

if you look at it
with enough paranoia.

That's what I'm talking about.
Mr. James?

Yeah.
I'm telling this for your own good.

That man is a compulsive
impostor. Arrest him!

Max, I'm not a policeman.

Jimmy, no, what had we
learned earlier?

Oh, right, right, right.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, for God's sake,
I'm not a lunatic.

Yeah? Sure you're not.

He's not a lunatic at all,
is he?

Oh, no.
All right.

If he's such a security expert,

let's see if he can defend
himself, against the windmill!

Dave, we finished the mural
in the lobby.

Ah, good, good, good.
I'm just on the, uh, phone

to the, uh, building
supervisor right now.

Who?
Okay?

Hello? Hi. Yes, yes, yes.

The artists just stepped
into my office.

Yeah, what? No, no.
You can't paint over it.

They just finished it!

You gotta be kidding me!

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.

This is a "free expression"
mural, right?

Dave, we worked very hard
on the mural.

Yeah, we put our blood, sweat
and tears into that thing.

My staff put their blood, sweat
and tears into that picture.

And you know what?
I happen to think it's terrific.

Huh? Well, you want to know
what else I think?

I think you're just a knee-jerk
reactionary snob.

'Cause I think that's the finest
picture I've ever seen.

And I would be proud to hang it
in my own home.

Well, good day!

All right dude, I guess art
comes first with you too.

Yes, sir.
Yeah.

So, what did you two paint?

Joe?

I thought art always came
first with you.

Usually it does.
I don't know what happened.

[♪]

[♪]

Ah.
Hey, nice mural.

Aw.
Your work?

No, I'm just here
to spell-check it.

Wait a minute.
Are there two Ts in?

Oh, yeah. No, that's right.
Good work.

Excellent.
Bye.

Dave, we're sorry.
W-we just--

We sort of had conflicting
artistic points of view.

And this is where
great minds thought alike?

[BOTH]:
Yeah.

Max?
What?

You remember when I, uh,
Green Beret'd ya out there?

No.

Okay, why?
Why did you do that?

I wasn't trying
to att*ck you, Mr. James.

I was trying
to att*ck Jack Frost.

To show him up
for the phony he is.

Jack wasn't a phony. He's
the best security advisor

I've ever had.
Mr. James,

can I tell you a story?

Is it about why you fight
like a little girl?

No.

That is a long
and painful story.

Ask me some other time.

Okay.

This story takes place in 1991,
Brunswick, Georgia.

I was on the air,
interviewing a local surgeon,

Dr. Akim Tamiroff.

You wanna pick up the pace
a little bit?

As chance would have it

right in the middle of the
interview, my appendix burst.

Dr. Tamiroff said there's no
time to go to the hospital.

He removed my appendix,

right there
in the broadcast booth.

Bourbon was my anesthetic.

Swiss Army Kn*fe
was his scalpel.

Wow, you know, you could--

You could sell that story
to Reader's Digest.

Yes. For half price.

For that's only half the story.

When I went for my follow-up
visit, I discovered

there was no Dr. Akim Tamiroff.

What do you mean?
I mean,

he wasn't really a doctor!

He's a poser. A fraud.
A compulsive impostor!

Oh, come on, Max. Just 'cause
you couldn't find the doctor--

Two months later,
I saw him on Oprah

posing as Pepe Lopez,

the world's foremost authority
on radioactive waste.

Wow. Well, that's a strong
accusation, Max.

And I have the horrible,
disfiguring scar to prove it!

I see.

It throbs whenever
he's near me. Uh-huh.

It's throbbing now!
Yeah, sure it is.

Jupiter's ghost, man!
Can't you hear the throbbing!

Oh, hey.
Jack, we need to talk.

Oh, yeah. That's
what I'm talking about.

You wanna go for a roll
on my limo?

Oh, come on, Jack.

Jack?

There no Jack here.

MC Phreakzille in the house.

You wanna pull on my forty?

Jack, why don't you just drop
it? I know who you are.

Bravo, Jimmy.

Oh, bravo. Yeah.

The student
surpasses the master.

At, this time.
All right. All right.

And that thing about the limo?

Yeah, that's exactly
the kind of enticement

the kidnappers would use.

Jack.
And the forty,

I put some knockout
drops in it.

Jack, you sure you're, uh,
a security consultant?

Best in the business.
'Cause Max seems to think

you're an impostor.

Right. Right.

Like I care what
that lunatic thinks.

Whoa! Knockout drops.

Thanks, man.

You know, some guys
would have taken advantage.

You busy?
Uh.

Yeah, yeah. The uh--

The building supervisor
just called

an emergency meeting.
And I have to write a defense

of Joe and Beth's painting.

Why would you want to defend
that thing for?

Because it's the finest picture
I've ever seen,

and I'd be proud
to hang it in my own home.

Oh. Could you stand
here for a second?

Well, I'm--
Just stand right here

just for a second.

Do you think
that it's silly, still,

that I'm upset that Matthew's
wearing my sweater?

A little.

Fine. Matthew.

Yeah?

That's perfect.
Thank you.

Hey, we're wearing
the same outfits.

I know. It was, uh--
It was Lisa's idea.

No kidding.

Now, uh--

Now I'm a big strong
man like you. Hm.

Okay, Matthew.
You can go now.

Actually, it is cute.

It's like that movie Rain Man,

where the two brothers
dressed alike. Huh.

Remember that?
Yeah. Yeah.

So which brother would you be?

Admit it. Admit it.
Admit it!

Look, I know you suffered
and I'm sorry.

But I am Jack Frost, I swear,
personal security consultant.

I'm not some kooky
compulsive impostor guy.

There, you see, man?
All right.

Maybe in his own mind he's,
a security expert.

Okay.
But, I'm telling you,

that's the guy
that operated on me!

Max, Max. Hold on for a second.

Now, I-I'm assuming you were
in a great deal pain

when this happened. Am I right?

And by your own admission
you were drunk.

So?
So, isn't it just possible

you might've, uh, you know,

mixed Jack up
with somebody else?

But I--
Look, I know the guy.

And he knows security.
You can't fake that.

Well, yes, I suppose
it's possible.

It's possible because the mind
can play tricks on you.

Excuse me?
Yeah.

Do we have a new anchor?
No. Why?

Because of--

This is Sonny Daze
broadcasting live

from beautiful
mid-town Manhattan.

Hey, all you drive timers
this is the part

of the afternoon I like
to call the home stretch.

'Cause if you think
you're getting home--

Haa-haa.

Ah-hooga! Ah-hooga!

--it's gonna be a stretch.

[♪]

Are you ready, Mr. Nelson?

Well, yes, I am.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just--
I'm just kidding.

Good luck, dude.

You look great.

Thank you, Ms. Supervisor.

Board of Supervisors.

One of the most cherished
interests we have as a nation,

is the freedom of every citizen
to express his or her views.

And what view was expressed
by the word "Stinkbutt"?

Fair question.

What my co-workers
were trying to express

in using, th-that word

was their dissatisfaction
with what

free expression murals
have become.

It was a form of visual mockery,
if you will.

Is that true?

Well, no.
Mm.

Not really.

Anything else, Mr. Nelson.

This isn't just about
"Stinkbutt."

I mean, art is subjective,
a matter of taste.

Don't you agree?
Yes.

Well, then, if taste
was our criteria,

then I have problems
with a lot of things.

I think that black and white
photography is pretentious.

I find these chairs to be ugly.

I can't begin
to tell you how much

or how often
this man offends me.

We're twins.

But these are all questions
of freedom of expression.

And as such,
they must be protected.

If we've come to the point

where someone can no longer
paint "Stinkbutt"

then we no longer live
in a free society.

[APPLAUSE]

We're painting over it.

You can't do that!

Well, actually,

we did it
about an hour ago.

Oh, well.

[WAILS]

I'm sorry.
I know.

I'm sorry.
That's okay.

I just can't help myself.

You couldn't help yourself.

No. I see all
these exciting jobs

You see them.

and I just wanna
be that person.

And you wanna be that person.

I'm sorry.
That's okay.

Well, sorry isn't good
enough for me!

Oh!

Easy there, Max.

No, Mr. James!
I've waited years for this!

I have dreamed of the day

I would confront
this butcher with his handiwork!

Jack Frost, I present to you,

the scar!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Wait, wait,
wait a minute.

Th-that-- That's the scar you've
been complaining

about the whole time?
Yes. Gruesome, isn't it?

No, it just barely
a scratch on you.

Yeah. I can hardly see it.

You can't fool me.
I know it's hideous.

Max, that is the smallest
appendix scar

I've seen in my life.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh.

I-- I thought because he wasn't
a real doctor

he made a huge mess.

I know. I know.
Le-le-le-- Let me see it again.

No, that's really great work.
That is nice. Nice.

Thank you. Thank you.
I was just winging it.

No medical training whatsoever.

Unbelievable.
I can't believe that.

Color me impressed.
All right.

Hey, hey. You boys wanna see
an appendix scar

feast your eyes on this bad boy.

[SCREAM]

No, I'm just kidding.
That's from shrapnel.

[♪]

I mean, when I came up
with the word "Stinkbutt "

I never thought it was gonna
be such a statement.

You know what?,
if I had never called you it,

you never would
have thought of it.

No, no, no.
You both contributed, okay?

Where's Matthew?

Oh, uh. I told him
he had to go home

and change before coming in
to the office.

MATTHEW:
Hey, guys.

Oh, look.

Matthew's naked
in the office again.

What? No, I'm not.

Oh, my God!

Matthew, how--

How could you possibly not
notice that you were naked?

Ho-ho-honestly, Dave, I don't
really remember anything

after I took a sip of that
security guy's malt liquor.

Well, we're definitely
not twins.

[♪]

[♪]