05x13 - Towers

[bunniefuu]

Stop it.
Why don't you?

Good morning.
Hi, Dave.

Who's the cake for?

Matthew.
It's his birthday.

Is it?
Yes, it is.

Well, if it's Matthew's birthday

where's the, uh--?
Where's the clown and the pony?

Dave, come on. A pony?

Yeah. You're right.
Baby stuff, huh?

But where the hell's the clown?

The clown left after he found
out Matthew was gonna be 30.

Oh! Matthew.
Oh.

ALL:
Surprise!

ALL: ♪ Happy birth-- ♪
Shut up.

Well, isn't this sweet?

Why don't you just mock me,
huh?

We're just-- We're just trying
to wish you a happy birthday.

A happy bir--
[BLOWS]

Happy birthday. Why don't you
just rub it in my face.

Well-- Matthew.

Hey, take it easy.

No, rub it in my face.
There you go.

Yeah. Rub it all over my face.

Rub it in my face.

Happy birthday.

How's your precious birthday
now, fools?

[♪]

Oh, thank you, Beth.

Matthew's not back yet.

Come on, he's turned 30.
He's acting a little strange

but it's nothing
to panic about.

Dave, Matthew saw
the balloons

and he did not shout, "goody."

I'd say that's a little bit more
than strange.

All right, I'll-- I'll admit it
does seem like cause for alarm.

But, uh, you know, let's just
try to think happy thoughts,

all right?
Did somebody mention

happy thoughts?

Uh, yeah, hi.
Hi, good morning.

Good morning. Hey, what would
you say if I told you

your future lay out there
in the bullpen?

I'd say that's the very thought
that keeps me awake at night.

Yeah? Well, now you can stay
awake during the day too,

because it is time
to shake hands with tomorrow.

Come on.

All right.
So there comes a time

in every man's life

when he must turn
with bittersweet reverie

to thoughts of his legacy.
Mr. James? I'm on the air

in two minutes, so--
Okay, fine. All right.

And so I was thinking,

what does a rich man
usually do

to make a lasting impression,
huh?

Grow his nails long
and collect his urine in jars.

Yeah. Yeah, some do. Some do.
But what this one does

is build a huge-ass building.
Ta-da!

Look. It's shaped like two J's.

Yeah, and, uh, why do you
suppose that would be, Maxie?

Your initials.

Attaboy.

I always hire the smart ones,
don't I?

What is this, uh,
little building right here?

Is that a storage shed
or something?

Nah. It's the Plaza Hotel.

Sir, h-how big is this building
supposed to be exactly?

Dave, it is 200 stories.

It's the tallest building
in the world, all right?

It's gonna be--
It's gonna be right on the park.

There's gonna be, like--
Like, 14 swimming pools,

two golf courses, a--
A food court with it's--

It's own justice system.

And here. Two floors
just for dogs alone.

And wait-- Wait until you look.
Wait for it.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

The biggest damn disco
you ever saw.

But, Mr. James, the Sears
Tower's only, like, 110 stories.

I mean, is it even possible
to go to 200?

I have two words for you, Joe:
mon-ney. And lots of it.

Oh, my God.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Take a picture. It lasts longer.

Oh, let me get my camera.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Okay, hurry.

Matthew, why are you dressed
like that?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Because I'm a free man.

Okay? I don't have to wear
a suit and a tie

like some trained monkey

in your fascist little circus.

Matthew, you've never worn
a suit and tie in your life.

And you've certainly
never been trained.

Why did you do that
to your hair?

Because my hair has rights too.
What are you gonna do about it?

No, I wasn't-- You know...
Nothing. I was just thinking,

that's the same color
my grandmother used.

Bollocks.

Okay, I guess I'd better go
talk to him.

That's all right.
I'll do it.

Oh, good, Dave.
I was just setting you up.

Yeah.

Matthew?

Matthew?

Matthew?

If you've come
to give me guff

about drinking brewskis
in the office,

just don't waste your breath,
grandpa.

Well, Matthew, I--

I probably would give you
some guff,

but I'm afraid root beer
doesn't count as a brewsky.

Bollocks.

I get it.
You've, uh--

You've gotten into the whole
punk scene.

And that's all right.

I mean, I was into punk when
I was a teenager too, you know?

In fact, I-- I-- I had
a really great collection

of, uh, Buzzcocks albums.
Uh, all on vinyl.

[SIGHS]

Question: Do I care?

Answer: No bloody way!

You're just mad about the clown
not showing up, aren't you?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Screw the clown.

And-- And the-- The pony
that he-- He didn't ride in on.

You know, it's the 30 candles
in the cake

that just really broke
the camel's arse.

Ah.

I understand, you know.
I mean, I found it kind of hard

when I turned 30 too, you know?

[CHUCKLING]
But I-- I managed to--

I managed to channel it in
a more socially acceptable way.

What? What--? What--?
What did you do?

I drank.

Quite a bit,
come to think of it.

Although that's--
That's not really

much of an option for you,
is it? No.

But it's only natural.
I mean, we all have that desire

to turn back time and, you know,
relive our youth.

Yeah. Maybe you do, Dave.

But this is my first time
being a punk, so...

You mean, you didn't
go through a punk phase

when you were a kid?
No.

No, I spent the first 30 years
of my life living by the rules.

So it's payback time.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Hold on to your panties,

nancy boy.

Okay.

You enjoy it, Matthew.

♪ I am a lineman
For the county ♪

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Here's your coffee, Dave.

Thank you, Beth.

[NORMAL VOICE]
God, what is wrong with him?

Nothing. He's just going through
a bit of a mid-life crisis.

Oh, he freaked out
about the big 3-0?

Yeah. Although with him it seems
more like the terrible twos.

Oh, Dave,
I've seen this before.

They come in with their dr*gs
and their attitude

and next thing you know,
they're hassling the old people

and the streets
are no longer yours.

It's Charles Bronson Week
on TNT, right?

Dude, every week's
Charles Bronson Week on TNT.

True. But leave him alone,
all right?

I'm gonna just talk to him.

Uh-huh. All right.
Well, be my guest.

Joe, why are you growling?

You're not gonna hurt him,
are you?

Yeah, I'm gonna hurt him
a little.

I thought that was understood.

No. Dave thinks you're just
gonna go in there

and talk to him.

Oh, trust me.
I've been b*ating up punks

ever since I was a little kid.

They like it.
It makes them feel oppressed.

Joe, Matthew's not a punk.
He's a poser.

Yeah, you're right.

I gotta work this off
somehow.

Where?

Down to
the alternative-record store

and kick some ass.

[♪]

What's up, sir?

Oh, I was just--
I was just checking out

to see how the-- The Jumbo
Jimbos look from space.

How do they look?

Huge.

Wow. I must just look like
a little ant

from way up there, huh?

Lisa, you're standing, like,
three feet away from me.

Yeah. I-- I know.
I-- I was just trying to--

Can I talk to you
about the towers?

Yeah, sh**t. Go ahead.

Um, I-- I've been doing
a little calculating.

And I-- I'm sure
you don't know this,

but, you know, a--
A 200-storey building

is gonna cast quite a shadow.

And-- And that shadow
is going to land

directly on Central Park.

Yeah, so?

So that means for a full fifth
of the park,

including the baseball fields
and the petting zoo,

lights out begins at 2 p.m.

So?

So plants will die,

people will get mugged

and children will be deprived
of vitamin D.

People can do that stuff

in the other four-fifths
of the park.

Besides, what about the people
who live in the sewers

and only come out at night?

They gotta--
They gotta use the park too.

I see. So you're envisioning

entire families
of mutant mole people

coming up from beneath the
streets to play some ball?

Yeah. See? I got a manhole
right here.

Look, it's also gonna destroy
three historic blocks.

Does the Landmarks Preservation
Bureau have anything to say?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I was kind of hoping

to slip it right past them.
You know what I mean?

Excuse me, sir. But how are you
gonna slip this past anybody?

Oh, well, see, they--
They think I'm building a--

Building a parking garage
right here.

And?
And, you know,

a lot of things can, uh, happen

while you're building
a parking garage.

Like?
Like three square blocks could,

uh, you know, accidentally
implode during the night.

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.
Yeah.

You-- You do realize, sir,
that I am a-- A reporter.

Oh, what, do you--? What, do you
want to put this on the air?

Well, yes. Reporters have
an obligation

to put stuff like this
on the air.

Well, Clark Kent
was a reporter

but he didn't go blabbing around
he was Superman, did he?

Well, that's probably

why the Daily Planet folded,
sir.

Okay, fine. It doesn't matter.

Those hussies from Landmark
Preservation can't stop me,

because once the people learn
about the Jumbo Jimbos

they're gonna be clamoring
for them in the streets.

I think, sir, you are greatly
overestimating the power

of the mutant-mole-people lobby.

I think maybe you're forgetting
something too.

What's that?
Disco, right there.

Hey. You've gotta do something
about Matthew.

Oh, come on. He's just going
through a phase. It's natural.

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

Your desk isn't right next
to his.

I'm sorry. That's just how
we do things around here.

New guy has to sit
next to Matthew.

I understand.

And normally I am cool
with that.

But it's literally crazy.

What's he doing now?
Well, just come and see.

All right.
Come on.

I'm coming.
Will you come on?

Will you come on?

Max, I'm right behind you.

What? He's working peacefully.
What?

Watch this.

Nerd, nerd, nerd,
nerd, nerd, ner--

Nerd, nerd, nerd,
nerd, ner--

All right. All right.

Matthew? Matthew?

What are you doing, hm?

Nerdly McNerdsville
invaded my airspace, okay?

I can't have that.

Matthew, trust me, all right.

Shouting "nerd" at people
is not what punk's all about.

Oh.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
I wish I had

a pretty little face
like yours

so I could smash it.

Matthew-- Matthew, I know--
I know you're troubled right now

and-- And if you'd like to talk
about it, we can--

Nerd.

Nerd. N-- N-- N-- N-- N--
Nerd.

[LOW PITCH]
Nerd.

[HIGH PITCH]
Nerd.

I think I've made my point.

Seriously, Matthew,
i-i-if you just need to talk,

you know,
my door's always open.

Or if-- Maybe if you'd like
to borrow some records--

No, thanks.
I've already got me own discs.

Well, what do you--?
What do you got here, anyway?

Stryper?

S-S-S-Stryper and Winger

...and The Best
of Jon Bon Jovi.

Matthew, I don't mind you
changing your appearance,

but when you start bringing crap
like this into the office

I have to draw the line.
You can't stop the music,

old man. I'm young,
I'm strong,

and you can't stand it.

No, I can't stand this crap.

You call this punk?
I can't take this.

What?
Good day, fascist.

No, you-- Matthew,
get back here--

I said, good day, fascist.
Matthew!

[♪]

And now for an update of our
continuing coverage of...

MAN [OVER RECORDING]:
"The Jimmy James Towers:

Total Eclipse of The Park."

In the wake of WNYX's story,

the Landmarks Preservation
Bureau now plans to review

its original permit.

Meanwhile, some 50 peaceful
protesters

have gathered outside
the Criterion Building,

home of WNYX,
to demonstrate against

the proposed construction.

More after this.

Help Jimmy. Someone.

Mr. James,
are you all right?

DAVE:
What the hell happened?

Mob. Angry. Jimmy.
Helpless. You!

All right.
Let's go in the break room.

I'm gonna patch you up, okay?
We're gonna get you a snack.

Pudding?

Yeah. We're gonna get you
some pudding.

Oh, my God.

Calm-- Calm down.

It's not like you personally
att*cked him.

No, I didn't.

Other people did it.
I'm completely innocent.

Exactly.
Yeah. Just like Charles Manson.

Lisa.
For your information,

Charles Manson went to prison.

Matthew,
where have you been?

Sorry, Mussolini. I had some
business to take care of

down on the Boulevard
of Broken Dreams.

Doing what?

Getting this.

"Mayhem"?

Deal with it, bloody ponces.

Bloody what?
Po...

Mayhem!

Are you all right, sir?

Oh, it was awful. It was just--
It was just--

Oh, they were swarming
all around me.

You know, they were pulling
and clawing.

You know, I might
still be there

if I hadn't thrown a bunch
of cash up into the air.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I knew there'd be protesters.

I-- I just thought they'd
be a lot, you know, wussier.

Yeah, well, if it makes you
feel any better,

most of them
were wearing glasses.

Can I get you anything?
Water?

No, no. I'm fine.
I'm-- I'm good.

And you know what?
You-- You could do me a favor.

Could you take that model
and put it somewhere down there

close to my feet?
Why?

I'd like to stomp it,
but I don't want to get up.

[SIGHS]

Mr. James, that's not necessary.

Well, I'm not gonna get to build
the damn thing anyway.

I mean, they took away
all my permits, you know?

And, uh-- And everybody
in the city

seems to have gone
sunshine-crazy.

Does that make you happy?

No, sir. No, of course
I'm not happy.

Well, you got what you wanted.
You got sun and fun in the park.

And-- And Jimmy's legacy
got shoved into the damn sewer

with the mutant mole people.

I'm sorry. I do not understand
why you're so fixated

on having these towers
be your legacy.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

You know who Guggenheim was?

Yes. Guggenheim was a financier
and a philanthropist.

Wrong. He was some guy
who built a ugly museum,

named it after himself.

But when people see it they go,
"Hey, Guggenheim."

What about me?

What about Jimmy James, huh?

He's just nothing.
He's a big fat nothing.

Sir. You are hardly nothing.

Well, you're-- You're right.
May-- Maybe I'm not nothing.

Of course you're not nothing.
I'm Jimmy James!

That's right. The one and only.
Jimmy James!

Yeah! The guy who's gonna
blow up the Guggenheim.

No, sir. No.

Matthew!

What are you doing?

I was trying to get a packet
of crisps,

and the flipping machine
ate me quid.

Okay.

First off, in this country,
we have dollars, not quids,

we call them "potato chips,"
not "crisps,"

and we do not kick
vending machines.

You know what I think of that?
Revolution!

It says "mayhem," Matthew.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, right.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I was gonna get revolution.

Uh-huh.
It was just too many letters.

From now on,

you are going to come to work
on time,

you are actually
going to do your work

and you are gonna dress
like a radio professional,

not like some 14-year-old
glue-huffer.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
You know what I think of that?

If you show me your belly
one more time, you're fired.

I wasn't going to.

Yes, you were.
No.

Well, then what were you
gonna do?

I was going...

Huh?
...you to kiss me bum, monkey.

Okay.

I got something for you.
This is a perfect legacy.

A bridge.

A bridge?

A really big bridge.

With your name on it.

Thousands of people
will cross it every day.

Lisa, nobody ever says anything
good about a bridge, all right?

They'd-- They'd be, like, uh,

"Traffic was blocked up for
hours today on the Jimmy James,"

or some-- "Some loser jumped off
the Jimmy James today,"

or, "I was driving along
the Jimmy James

while my best friend was back--
Back home in bed with my wife."

That last one could happen
anywhere, sir.

Yeah, I know. But it didn't.
It happened on the Jimmy James.

Okay, so we have to think
unconventionally, right?

Unconventionally. Right.
Plus, you know...

BOTH:
Big.

Right.

Jimmy-lantis, an underwater
colony: the final frontier.

Already tried it.

You did not.
I did so.

Yeah, I did. Lost some damn good
divers too. Damn barracudas.

Well, this is certainly
turning out

to be a lot harder than
I thought.

Oh, tell me about it.

You know I-- I once had a
mountain carved in my likeness.

Well, then you already have
a legacy, Mr. James.

Nah, they made me look fat,

so I had to blow
the whole thing up.

[♪]

Oh, hey, Joe. How'd that
vigilante justice work out?

Ah, I couldn't find
any punk rockers

so I went down to the park
and I chased some skateboarders.

That's cool.
Skateboarders are wankers.

Can I come with you
next time?

Yeah, sure. What time
do you get off work?

Why?
You gotta get there early

before the good one's
are already b*at up.

Oh.

Mr. Nelson.

Hey, Reg. What's the problem?

I found him in the coffee shop

stuffing plastic forks
in his pants.

Is that some radio stunt?

Afraid not.

Well, keep an eye him if you're
gonna let him off his leash.

Sure, Reg.
Later, fuzz!

Ma-- Matthew?

What?
Plastic forks?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Yeah. I would have gotten away

if they hadn't all
shifted around down there.

What were you thinking?
What the heck--?

What could you possibly
have been thinking?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
For the last time, lay off! I didn't ask to be born.

No. And by the same token,
I didn't give birth to you.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Yeah, you're not my mother.

So don't tell me
what to do, okay, please.

No. I'm your boss,

and I'm telling you to get
in that room for the next hour

and think about
what you've done.

Fine.

I like it in there better
anyway.

Without your comic books,
you don't.

I still like it.

Not once I take the microwave
out so you can't play with it.

Why are you doing this to me?

Believe it or not, Matthew,

I'm doing this
because I care about you.

Yeah.

You care about me
like an employee or a man?

Oh, hell, like a man, I guess.

Look me in the eye.

Uh-uh.

You're serious.

Wow, Dave, you really love me.

Care. I said care.

This is like a real moment
we're having here, Dave.

Yeah. Let's not ruin it with
a lot of emotions, shall we?

No. Wow, this whole time,
I was just--

I was thinking of myself.
Mm-hm.

And here you were thinking
of myself too. That's--

To an extent, yes.

An extent.
Wow. I'm sorry, Dave.

I've been out of control.
I don't know. Well...

You know what?
I'm gonna straighten up

and fly right from now on.
Great.

I'm just glad we had a chance
to sort this out.

But first, punish me.
I don't think that's necessary.

I mean it. I deserve it.
No, Matthew, we've resolved this

to my satisfaction--
Punish me. I want it.

No, I--
Punish me! Punish me! Punish me!

[SIGHS]
Okay, wait in the break room.

Thank you, Dave.

Joe.

Oh, my God!
I'll get you, punk.

So...

we could, uh--
We could put, like, this--

This really big restaurant on
top and everything like that.

Why not make it
a revolving restaurant?

Like the world's fastest?
I love it.

Yeah. That'd be great.

What's going on?

Oh, well, I am pleased
to announce

that the New York City skyline
will not be tarnished

by the Jimmy James
Space Tower Plaza.

Ain't it grand?
You're happy?

Well, Max-- All right, sweetie,
look, give me a second.

Max, I'm gonna get the towers,
all right?

I'm just gonna build them
in London.

London, England?

Yeah. Home of
the American Werewolf.

But won't that screw up London

as much as it would screw up
New York?

[GIGGLES]

Who gives a damn
about London?

Seriously, Joe,
I'm not a punk anymore.

Then you don't need that tattoo.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Max, you still got
that butterfly on your butt?

[LAUGHING]
[SANDER WHIRRING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SANDER WHIRRS]
[MAX SCREAMS]

[♪]