05x15 - Assistant

[bunniefuu]

Okay. The first order
of business

is, uh...

Oh!
...apparently, Max.

Thank you. The ladie''
room has a couch in it.

Really? Matthew, check this out.

Joe, get on the line
to the Pentagon.

Beth, have the building
evacuated.

Max, shut up.

Please. I am serious.

Now, why do they have
a couch and we don't?

Max, you didn't actually go
into the ladies' room, did you?

No. Not until
my sources told me

there was a couch in there.

I'm sorry, Beth.
It just slipped.

It's just not fair.

Well, you guys have
urinals. We don't have those.

You ever try taking
a nap in a urinal?

Not very comfy.

Max is right. We should
at least have what they have.

It's sexual discrimination,
I tell you.

Well, it sounds like you've got
quite a lawsuit on your hands.

I hadn't thought about that.
Now that you mention--

Thanks. Thanks so much, Dave.
Max, I'll get right on it.

Hey, guys. I'm sorry.

I was to meet my assistant
in the lobby,

but she wasn't there.

Did she come up here?

Oh. You know what
probably happened?

Uh, you probably forgot that
you don't have an assistant.

See, Dave, I was rereading my
contract, and it says right here

that I am entitled
to an assistant,

which the company
will pay for.

Ah, I was hoping you'd
never notice that clause.

Everybody, say goodbye to
name-brand soft drinks

in the break room.

ALL:
Thanks a lot, Lisa.

Hey. Hey, hey.
I want an assistant too.

You can't have
an assistant and a couch.

I choose couch.

Somehow I thought you might.
So who'd you hire anyway?

I don't know her. I called my
college alumni placement center

and just told them
to send over a recent graduate.

Mm-hm.

Uh...Foxy Jackson.

What kind of a name
is Foxy Jackson?

Uh, excuse me. Is there
a Lisa Miller here?

Obviously, a case of
truth in advertising.

Hi. I'm Lisa Miller.

[♪]

Okay, just to recap, when you
answer the phone, you say:

"Good morning,
Lisa Miller's desk?"

Yes. Actually, why don't you
just make it, uh,

Lisa Miller's office?

Uh...I don't know if I feel
comfortable lying like that.

You don't have
an office.

I know. You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding. Really. I feel
comfortable lying, actually.

Oh. We ought to
get along great.

Um, if you don't mind my asking,
what kind of a name is Foxy?

Well, I-- I grew up
on a farm.

And when I was a kid,
I used to go into

the hen house
to steal eggs.

Like a fox.
Oh.

So they started
calling me Foxy.

What's your real name?
Gwathmey.

Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

Joe, what are you doing?

Fixing the copier.

Why don't you, uh,
fix it over there?

Because the light's
better over here.

Damn. Everything's
better over here.

I see.
Hey. How you doing?

Hi.
So you come here often?

Joe. Come on, get out of here.

We're trying to work.
Just get out.

Please. What
a hard-ass, huh?

Joe.
Uh, Lisa, no. It's okay.

Listen, Joe, this copier doesn't
have toner in it, does it?

Yeah. Yeah, why?

Well, I'm allergic to toner.

Wow. We have
so much in common.

Sometimes it makes me
sneeze a little.

No, it's, uh--
It's nothing like that.

It's... Well, actually,
it's kind of embarrassing.

Um...see, whenever
I'm around toner,

my sex drive
completely dries up.

Get this thing
out of here. Move!

Okay. Ladies and gents. Boys
and girls. Children of all ages.

I present to you
the WNYX men's room couch.

WNYX men's room couch.
What do you think?

It's a little
small, huh?

Well, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Anyway, I didn't wanna

screw up the feng shui
in the room there.

So why don't you go ahead
and sit down, have a seat.

And...check it out.

This feels weird.

Yeah. I've never seen
a couch quite like this.

Well, nobody-- And technically,
it's not a couch.

Well, what is it,
uh, technically?

It's a love seat.
[LAUGHS]

Ha, ha.

They put a love seat
in the...

men's room.

Beth, do you want to give us
a minute alone, please?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

You need a minute alone
with your love seat.

[LAUGHS]

Lisa?

Dave, permission
to be excused, please?

Matthew, you just
came in here.

No, uh, permission to be
excused from the office.

I gotta go to another floor
to use the bathroom.

Why?

Uh, because Beth gave me
some kind of

lifetime ban
on the ladies' room.

And Mr. James has some
construction going on

in the men's room.

He's supposed to put
in a couch.

Yeah, no. I know.
He is.

But we asked for
a more macho couch. Uh-huh.

And...that apparently requires
men with hard hats and--

Matthew, what are you
talking about?

Could you make up your mind?
Because I really gotta go here.

[HUMS]

Okay, you're excused.

Thank you.

Hey, Matthew.
Gotta go.

Dave, could you, uh,
look out here

and tell me
what you see, please?

Mm. Doesn't look like Matthew's
gonna make it, does it?

Besides that.

Joe hitting on your assistant?

Yes.
Ah.

Foxy is here to enhance
my productivity.

And she cannot do that
while Joe is teaching her

dirty words in Italian.

Well, ask Foxy to come here, and
we'll see what we can work out.

Thank you. Foxy, could you
come in here for a second?

Sure. What's up?

Is, uh-- Is Joe giving you
a hard time?

Well, it's nothing
I can't handle.

But that's very sweet
of you to ask.

Ha-ha, just doing my job.

Listen, by the way, um,

thanks for cutting that
article out for me.

Oh. That was my pleasure,
really. Don't worry about that.

What article?

Oh, Lisa.

Um...

it was nothing,
really.

It was just, we ran into
each other in the break room--

It's not often
you find somebody who has

a passion for tap-dancing.
[LAUGHS]

Passion is a curious
thing.

Yeah.
Mm.

Foxy, um, I left
some notes on my desk.

Would you mind running in there
and typing them up for me?

Yeah. Sure.

Ta-ta.

Ta.

Hm.

Ta.

[MOUTHS]
Ta.

Dave. I don't believe this.
You're as bad as Joe.

I am not. I'm badder.

Yeah. You're
shameless.

Come on.
We share a few common interests.

Oh, really?
Do you mean passions?

Hey. Look. You know,
I tried to get you interested

in popular American dance forms
a long time ago.

That's true.
You did.

Too late now, girl.

JIMMY:
Great. Great. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

And, Rusty, really. Really
good work on such short notice.

Okay, you ready? Are you ready
to see the new men's room?

Yes. Yes, sir.
Yes.

All right, Matthew.
Drum roll please.

Oh. P-p--

Okay. Now, that's enough.
Just go on in.

Oh, my God!

Yeah!

Mr. James, we-- We just
asked for a couch.

Well, heck, I know.
Being I felt so bad about

that whole
love seat fiasco,

I thought I'd
treat you guys a bit.

Oh, my God.
Is this real leather?

Sure, sure. That's Corinthian
leather right there.

And do you see
the chandelier over there?

That is genuine
Viennese crystal.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

I feel like I'm
sitting in a sweet,

brown, buttery cloud.

Well, sure.
Sure you are.

Because that's
real Corinthian leather.

Ah, this is sweet.

Excuse me, Beth? W-what--
What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

This is the men's
restroom.

Yeah, I know. I hang out
in the men's room all the time.

Once upon a time
I used to be able

to "hang out"
in the ladies' room.

Until I got
banned from that.

Is there any more
to that story?

Yeah, there is. But I can't
really tell it here. Know why?

No. Why is that?

Members only.

Oh, this is nice.
Mm-hm.

It's like a café.

Yeah. It's like
a little bit of Paris. Hm.

Which is somewhere
I've been.

Twice.
[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Foxy, you wanna
grab a burger?

No, thanks.
I'm not hungry.

I could always
get you an extra one.

Don't bother.

So...where else
have you traveled, huh?

Oh, all over. Canada.

[LAUGHS]
That's funny.

Oh, no.
All over my shirt.

Oh, well.

No, seriously.
Where else have you traveled?

Oh, here and there.
I've been to Mexico.

Hey, Foxy. I think
I pulled my tricep.

Does that look okay?
Does that look normal?

Seems a little
puffy, you know?

I'm hungry. Do you
want to get something to eat?

I'd love to get
something to eat.

You lead the way,
all right. Thanks.

Hey, Joe.

I gotta get to the gym.

FOXY:
Hey, Lis.

Oh, hello, there.

Dave.

Foxy.

How was your lunch?

Mmm. Was good. It was good.

I think it was a really good
getting-acquainted lunch.

Yeah. It was wonderful.
Mm-hm.

Dave took me to
his favorite lunch spot.

Oh, Eddie's.

No. Tavern on
the Green.

That was my-- My favorite.

Yes. Yes, I'd forgotten how much
business you do there.

Yeah.

And it was the best business
lunch I've ever had.

Mm-hm.

Foxy, um, could you
make five copies

of each of these
for me, please?

Yeah. No problem.

[WHISTLES]

Dave!

Lisa.
Hi.

How's Foxy working out?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I really don't know.

She's only been allowed
to work for me

a total of
five minutes today.

Don't work her
too hard, okay? All right.

Hey, Joe.

Hey.

Um...is there anything--

So did you have a nice lunch?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we did.

Good. She deserves
a nice lunch.

Listen, Joe, there--

Congratulations, Dave.
You're the better man.

I'm not
the better man, Joe.

No. You b*at Joe Garrelli.
You are the better man.

Look, Joe, this isn't a
competition, all right?

It's just a--
It's a matter of taste.

Right. I tried
rationalizing it too.

When a woman
turns down Joe Garrelli,

it's not a matter of taste.

It's a value judgment.

Joe...all we did was
have lunch, all right?

Come on, Dave.
The modesty,

it only makes it
hurt even worse.

Look. I made you this
over lunch. Hm?

Only two men have ever
got to wear that shirt, Dave.

You...and my father.

Look, Joe. Don't be like this.
We're supposed to be friends.

Oh, man. That's
exactly what dad said.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ooh. I'll get it.

Men's room.

It's Beth.
Let me in.

Hm. Men's room.

You have to know
the secret knock.

[KNOCKS
"SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"]

Damn.

So...what's the deal?

You guys gonna hang out
in here all day?

[CHUCKLES]

Hanging out
is for the vulgar.

No, no.

In here...we lounge.
Mm.

Okay, fine. Well, when
do I get to lounge?

Any time.
Oh, excellent.

You just can't
do it here.

Well, she does seem
to have the right attitude.

Yes, I would say she is
definitely men's room material.

You think so?

Yeah. Enough to sponsor
her for membership, yes.

And I'd be willing to throw
my weight behind it. Mm.

Well, you never know
what'll happen

when the elections
come around.

Matthew, we never had
elections before.

Which is why you'll
never know what'll happen.

Does she still
talk about me?

Who?

Don't play games.
You know who I'm talking about.

Mrs. Dave Nelson.

No, you're talking
about my assistant.

Not that she's done
any work for me today.

Was she working for you
when she broke my heart?

She didn't break your heart.
She did something to it.

How could she have broken your--
Please don't remind me.

Okay.
Just don't.

Okay.
Don't!

Okay. Joe, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm very--
I'm really very sorry.

You wouldn't be interested
in helping me

reconfirm my manhood,
would you?

Not in the slightest.

Just putting it out there.
You'd be doing me a real favor.

Yeah, well. You better
just put it back in.

So...Miss...

Just Beth.

Uh... So, Miss Beth...

Who sponsored
this candidate?

I did.
Uh, speak your peace.

Mm. I'll be brief. I've known
Miss Beth for a long time.

She comes from
a good family.

But most of all,
she loves the men's room.

She loves it...more than
anything in the world.

Is this true?

Yes, it is, sir.

Would you like
some water?

Oh. Uh, no, thank you.
I'm fine.

Because sometimes I find
a good stiff sh*t of the stuff

keeps me loose
but focused.

Yeah, I'll, uh--
I'll take a sh*t of that.

Gentlemen, please.
Let us get back

to this candidate's
qualifications.

Yes.
Oh, okay. Um...

I know how to
use the restroom.

Excellent.
Why, that's good. Very good.

Um...also, I'm a very
big fan of taxidermy.

Animal lover.
I like that.

Also, I believe it's important

that people of a
similar social stature

have a place to
shrug off their cares

and rub elbows with other people
of a similar social class.

Well, that's right.
I like that.

I'm just looking for my wrench.
Pay no attention to me.

Uh, Joe.

Are you gonna go to that,
uh, Rangers game Friday?

Thanks for pretending
you're interested.

That just proves to me
that you are the better man.

Wait. Uh, you-- You like
the Rangers?

Because Brian Leetch is,
like, my personal God. Mm-hm.

[SIGHS]

This morning
that information would have

put me in a feeding frenzy.

But now it's all pain.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Bunny.

Dave, just the man
I'm looking for.

The men's club
is voting on whether

to let Beth in
as a member and...

You're voting on whether
to let Beth

into the men's lavatory?

No, we're voting.
And you're a de facto member.

And if you abstain,
I'm afraid

it counts as
an a*t*matic blackball.

All right, fine.
Then let her in.

No. Shh! It's
a secret vote.

Ah.
So, here.

Matthew.

Excuse me.

There you go.
Thank you.

Okay, what does this say?

It says yes, Matthew.

Yes, let her in.
Yes, don't let her in.

Yes, let her in.

Let me just commit
this bad boy to memory.

Your secret is safe.

What was that?

Okay. Yes.

Oh. I can't believe we used to
hang out in the break room.

I'm never hanging
out there again.

Or in the booth
for that matter.

Hear, hear.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

What was that sound?

What up?

Matthew!

Did you go to
the bathroom in there?!

I thought we had
an unspoken agreement.

I've been using
the ladies' room.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, no, no.
Relax, fellow club members.

I didn't go to the bathroom.
I just...christened it.

Oh, Matthew!
Oh!

You ruined it!

You ruined
the whole damn thing!

To think I've been eating finger
sandwiches in the men's room.

Fine. Now I can
walk around in here naked.

Dave. We'd better go
if we're gonna catch that movie.

Right. Yeah. Um...

actually, do you mind if
we talk just before we go?

Sure. What about?

Um...well...

I guess it goes without saying
that I'm really, really enjoying

this, uh... This instant
rapport that we've--

We've...found here.

And, uh, I could honestly...
[SIGHS]

...stare into your eyes
for all eternity.

But we should try to
cool it around the office

for a little while, okay?
Why?

Well, it's Joe, you see.
He's a friend of mine.

And... And I think
he's feeling a little hurt.

Well, he'll get over it.

Sure. In the due course
of time, he will.

No. By Friday.

Well, how can you
be so sure?

Because I'm gonna take him
to the Ranger game on Friday.

That's very kind of you.

Well, I'm not being kind.
I'm-- I'm attracted to Joe.

What?
Well, listen,

I'm attracted to you too.
Uh-huh.

I mean, you both have
great qualities.

Brains and...brawn.

So you want to
date both of us?

Look, I just want to have
a little fun, okay? Yeah.

I just got out of a serious
relationship with three men.

And...I'm just not ready
for a commitment right now.

I'm not very
comfortable with this.

Dave...we are all
mature adults here.

I don't think I am.

Let's talk to Joe, okay?

Joe, can you
come in here, please?

What's up?

Well...I want to date
both you guys.

Hm?

Are you serious?

I couldn't do that.

Could I?

No.
No.

No.
No.

No.
No.

[SIGHS]
Well...I have to say I'm...

I'm a little disappointed
in both of you.

But if you guys
can figure out

how to put that brain...

in this body...

call me, okay?

Well...

then I guess you weren't
the better man after all.

Mmm. No, no. Just two
equally good men.

All right. Then I guess
you owe me a T-shirt.

What do you mean?

One that says "Dave's
girlfriend wanted to do me."

Joe, I'm afraid
I could never take

that T-shirt away
from my father.

Hey, what are you
doing in here?

Just thought I'd enjoy the place
while it's still here.

Yeah? Mr. James
gonna rip it out?

Yes. Apparently Matthew was
going to the bathroom in here.

Oh.

But the cognac's
still good.

Ah.

Matthew sat in
that chair naked.

Ah.

Thank you.

Uh, Foxy quit, by the way.

Mm-hm. Well,
sorry to hear it.

It's okay. I didn't have
that much for her to do.

But I'm sorry it didn't
work out between you two.

That's all right. I mean,

office romances never do
work out, do they?

Yes, as we've proven
at least twice.

Mm-hm.

Here's to the disaster
of office romances.

Yeah. Cheers.

So, uh...

you wanna lock the door
and walk around naked?

Not a chance.

Well... Just putting it
out there.

Well, you better just...

put it right back in.

[♪]

[♪]