05x19 - Padded Suit

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Well?

It doesn't look so bad.

Yeah. It looks
all right, right? Yeah.

'Cause I asked for regular,
but this isn't my regular.

Yeah. But it looks good.
It looks good.

I cut my own hair.

Really?

Morning meeting
everybody. Come on.

You cut your own hair?

Or you built a machine
to cut it for you?

I cut my own hair.

I had a machine
that did it,

but it k*lled
my neighbor's cat.

Come on,
everybody, ah.

Morning meeting.
Let's go.

You know,
my dad had a machine

but it was
for nose hair.

Hm-mm.

Hey, everybody.
Conference table.

Morning meeting.
Right now.

Dave, you've got
great hair.

Look, d-do any of you
people do any actual work?

Any work at all?

Oh, looks like somebody

rode in on the bitch
bus today.

Max.
What?

That's so
uncalled for.

It's not nice to talk
like that about Dave

until he's well out
of ear sh*t,

but I agree,
I noticed it too.

Seriously, that dude ain't
riding the bitch bus,

he's driving it.

Good morning,
everyone.

Sorry I'm, uh,
sorry I'm late, heh.

Matthew?

Yeah?

What up?

Why are you wearing
those stupid sunglasses?

Stupid? Heh.

You know, most people
would say that sunglasses

that allow a person
to see behind them,

are very,
very cool, heh.

Rear vision sunglasses
are indeed awesome.

But those are not them.

Sure they are.

Oh, wow, look
at the break room.

No.
Ahh.

Oh, my God.

What happened
to your eye?

N-nothing.
I just--

Uh-mm.

I just went to a little concert
and things got out of hand.

Rage Against
the Machine?

No, uh, Natalie Merchant.

Do you mean that,
that hippie chick

that sings songs to depressed
junior high school girls?

Hey.
What?

Nothing.

You know, I-I happen
to find her music very, eh...

very empowering
and very spiritual, and...

It's just her psycho fans
that get all crazy.

Right. The moody
junior high girls.

Moody?
You call this moody?

[♪]

Are you okay?

Oh.

I'm fine.
Why do you ask?

Well, I don't know
just maybe

the way you
stormed out of there

and you threw the clipboard.

I-I've never really seen you
throw anything before so--

That's not true.

Remember, when
we were going out?

Sometimes,
when we would argue,

I'd, I'd throw things.

Yeah, yeah,

I guess I remember
that one time when you,

when you threw
the cushion on the couch,

but that was
just kind of cute, you know?

You, like, threw
the cushion on the couch.

Lisa, I'm gonna fire
one of them today.

Dave. Dave.
Dave. Dave.

What?

Why are you gonna start
f*ring them now?

[SIGHS]

Lisa, don't you see?

Ou-our, our casual
work place environment

long ago lapsed
into rampant unprofessionalim,

and then sunk down
into anarchy

and is well on its way
to utter chaos.

Now, Lisa,

Lisa, one must pay
for the many.

The question is,
which one?

We we--We were only
talking about a haircut.

Yeah, today it was a haircut.
Yeah.

Today
it was a haircut.

Yesterday it was a,
a saliva bubble contest.

And the day
before that,

it was how long
can Max gargle milk.

All right, yes.

They have been a little bit
distracted lately, okay?

No, no, no, no.

This goes on every day,
all day, all right?

And I'm sick of it,
all right?

I mean, for God's sake,

I-I hate my job.
I hate them.

And I hate myself.

Dave?

[SIGHING]:
No.

The only question
that remains, Lisa, is...

Which one to fire?

Okay.

For argument's sake,
which one were you thinking of?

Matthew,

You know, or Joe's. Jo--
Or, you know, Max is good.

Beth would be great.
I could fire--

Sorry, Dave, I was
wondering if I could borrow

five dollars
for lunch.

I thought you brought
your lunch?

Oh, I did, but I was
thinking today

I would treat myself
to a glass of wine, heh, heh.

Beth?
Yeah?

There's some money
in my purse.

Why don't you just--

Oh, okay. That's nice,
thank you.

Take as much you want.
Great.

Actually, what about
the wine in your drawer?

Touch that wine,
I'll break your arm. Okay.

Anyway, I, ahem, I think
there's a much more humane way

of dealing with this.

Mm-mm, a humane way?
Hm-mm.

I prefer terror.

Look, why don't you just

give them all a simple task?

Say, writing up
a job description.

And then hold them to it.

Yeah, what's the point of that?

Well, it requires them to think
about what they have to do.

And it helps you.

Ah-huh, what if they fail?

Then you can fire them.

Fire them all.
But they won't fail.

I won't let them, okay?

Ah-huh, yes.
That's delightful.

Prolong the terror, yes.

The axe hangs,
but it does not fall.

Not yet.

[♪]

Oh, you mean like, eh,

defective marshmallow finder?

No. Not your
dream job.

Your actual job.

You guys need
to just write down

descriptions
of your real jobs.

If Dave wants us to write
our job descriptions,

why doesn't he
ask us himself?

He did,
in this memo.

Which you, Joe,

folded up
and put in your pocket

without even reading,
and Matthew,

[SIGHS]

seems to have drawn
a smiley face on his,

and for some reason

pinned it to the back
of his shirt.

Joe helped.

Good.
There's pens and paper.

Can you please
just do this?

Thank you.
Yeah.

Okay, Joe, listen.
You know my style, right?

I mean, I darted,
I weaved, I dodged.

I-I played
the finesse game.

Finessed your eye right upside
some little girl's fist.

[CHUCKLES]

For the last time,
Joe, she wasn't little.

She was 15, okay?

Maybe 14.
All right. Yeah.

O-or a very
tall 13, but...

All right. All right.
Whatever.

So can you teach me something?
Any kind of move.

You're always doing
that karate stuff--

[SCREAMS]

It's not karate.

Well, yeah.
It's kung fu.

It's not kung fu.

No? What is it?

It's called Joe-jitsu.

Joe-jitsu?

Yes.

It's a special blend

of three unrelated
martial arts.

Plus some other crap I made up.

Yes. This I have
got to learn.

Let's clear the table--
Yeah. Me, too.

I got into a bit
of a scrape

at a Stevie Nick''
concert.

What? No. No.

No, I've got a rule
against teaching my friends.

Sooner or later they think
they can take on the master.

Then I have to slap them down.

Come on, Joe.

Lilith Fair
is just around the corner.

[♪]

JIMMY:
Hey, Dave.

Mother's Day chocolate?

B-but you, uh.

It's a little early,
but okay.

Yeah, okay. Good.

What the hell was that?

Ah, I'm making
a point, son.

Mother's Day is a joke.
Ah.

All right, all right,
all year long.

Our mothers, they give
and they give, and they give,

and what do we
give back? What?

Cheap chocolates?

That's right.
You got that right.

We try to buy them off.

With, with
a cheap holiday

and then ignore them
the rest of the year.

It's a crutch, Dave.

It is a crutch,

with a metal spike
on the end that pierces

the heart of every mother
in America.

It has got to stop, Dave.

It's got to stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop--

Sir?
Yeah?

Is there, is there
something I can do?

Ah-huh, you can,
you can talk to them.

You can, you can be
a good son every damn day,

not just one day.

And you can tell her
that you love her.

I-I'll do that, sir.

No, do it right now.

I'll call
my mom tonight.

No, I said now.
Okey, here he is.

What?

All right,
it's your funeral.

You want me
to teach you?

Yes. Yes, please.
All right.

Fine, from now on,
you will no longer refer to me

as Joe Garelli,
your co-worker.

I am now Master Joe.
Is that understood?

BOTH:
Yes, Master Joe.

Okay, good.
You ready?

Good.
Now fight.

Oh, don't, don't.
Oh.

Are you insane?

I gotta see how you fight.

I think it's well documented
we both fight like girls.

Actually, I fight

a little bit worse
than a girl, heh.

Look, if I want to design
a course of study appropriate

for your specific needs,
I've to see you fight.

I understand.

[SIGHS]

Matthew,
prepare yourself

for the stinging blades--

What? What?

--of the windmill.

Oh, my Gooo...

Time out,
time out, time out.

Yaa-aah.
Time out, time out.

[PANTING]

Come on, Max.
Fight.

Can't.

[PANTING]

Heart...pounding.

Joe?

So who, who won?

[♪]

Time to stop
the evil scheming,

Dr. Nefarious.

In my mind,

I've already fired
each of them a hundred times.

I just wanted to inform you
that your staff

has completed
their job descriptions.

Really?
Yes.

Oh.

Hm-mm.
Let's have a look.

Ooh, jeez, I...

Forty pages. They really went
all out, didn't they?

Well, that's just mine.

Oh.

Well, I like
to be thorough.

And for more specifics
on that,

you can see
pages 10 through 14.

Ah-huh. Yes. Yes.

And, uh, what about the others?

They're coming.

But I just wanted to set
an example and be first.

Page seven.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, well,
you know what?

why don't we, uh, have
a staff meeting,

and go over everybody's
job descriptions

together as a group?

Great, okey,
I mean,

why don't you take
some time to read that?

Uh, go through it.

And we have a staff meeting
at say, 4:00?

No, I'll say
10 minutes.

Great.

BETH:
Why don't you dump them here on Dave's.

Oh, okay, wherever
you order me to do it.

Ah.

Amateur production
of Fahrenheit 451?

No, Dave. These are
all the Mother's Day cards

from the drug store
downstairs.

Sir, I had no idea you were that
uncertain of your parentage.

Dave, we're, we're not
sending any of these.

We're burning them.

Do you know
that Mr. James

has people across
the country buying--

And destroying.
Right.

Every box of chocolates.
Any floral arrangement.

All the sappy
Mother's Day cards.

And doing what?

BOTH:
Oh, destroying them.

Sir, uh, I- I thought you were
in favor of motherhood.

Oh. yeah.
I am, I am.

One hundred percent, USDA
Prime Momma's boy right here.

All right. Well, then
destroying Mother's Day is--

All right. Let me
explain my plan to you.

Step one:
Get rid of Mother's Day.

Step two:
All the mommas cry.

BOTH:
They cry.

Then step three--

This is the most
important part.

--Everybody
feels guilty.

They realize that they should
honor their mothers every day.

Not just one day.
Got it? Get it? Good.

Beth help me
in there?

We got lots more
holiday to destroy.

Oh, I need to talk
to Dave for just a second.

Okey-dokey.
Okey.

Ahh, Lisa said you wanted me
to write up my job description.

Yeah, that's right,
Beth. I did.

Ah.
Oh.

Yeah.
Okay, let's just--

[SIGHS]

This is, this is,
this is it?

This is
the entire job description?

Uh, yeah, I make a pot
of coffee every morning.

Oh, come on, Beth. There has
to be more to it than that.

Oh, yeah, sometimes in the
middle of the afternoon--

Mm-hm.
--I make a second pot.

Okay, fine, look,
just tell the staff

we're having a meeting
in five minutes.

Oh, that's good.
Yeah. That's good. What?

Tells the staff there will be
a meeting in five minutes.

You got anything else?
Leave.

Oh, yeah, right.
I mean--

She leaves.

Well, leave!

Staff meeting in 20 minutes.

[♪]

Well, why does he get the suit?

While wearing the suit,
I can teach him

full contact Joe-jitsu
techniques without harming him.

Yeah, but it makes me
look a little fat.

Yeah, but while you're
wearing it, nobody can hurt you.

Oh? Well,
I'll just see about that.

Nothing.

Nothing.

[CHUCKLES]

That tickled a little bit.

You know what?
I should just wear this suit.

You are wearing the suit.

No,
I mean to concerts and stuff.

Why do I need to learn Joe-jitsu

when I can just wear
this big padded suit?

Because that's not self-defense.

So what?
It's better than learning

a bunch of gay kicks and stuff.

Dude, Joe-jitsu is not gay.

No, no, no offense, Joe.

But, I mean,
I got the big padded suit.

Why do I need to learn
gay kicks?

Joe-jitsu's not gay.

Thanks a lot for your time,
Joe.

But I'm not requiring
your services any longer.

Hey, who's gonna be
my dojo buddy?

[♪]

You guys told me
you were writing them.

Yeah, see how it feels, Lisa?
To have no one listen to you?

Huh?
It's like horsewhipping ether.

You know what?

I don't even understand
why we have to write

these so-called
"job descriptions" anyway.

I know. I agree with Max.

I mean, you know what we do,
Dave.

True. Oh,
and if you don't know,

well, then perhaps
you're the one

that's a bit of a goldbricker.

Yeah, Max.
Maybe you're right.

In fact, Max,
maybe I should fire me.

Again with the clipboard.

You guys, really.
I mean, is it so much to ask?

ALL: Yeah, Yes.
No.

No,
it is not so much to ask.

Well, why does he need them?

Well, for three reasons.
First of all,

no one here seems to know

what they're supposed to do
or how to do it.

Secondly, it's standard
business procedure.

And third, because he said so.

Is that it? Three reasons?
That's not very many.

How many would you like?

Well, I don't know.
But three?

I mean, as far as numbers go,
that's like the third smallest.

I don't think you guys are
getting this. It's very serious.

I mean,
he's really, really fed up.

He told me
that by the end of the day

he's gonna fire somebody.

ALL:
It's gonna be Matthew.

Wait, hold it.
He can't fire me.

Why not?

Because I got the suit.

I'm invincible.

[♪]

Sorry to interrupt your
tae kwon Joe session but--

Tae kwon what?

It's called Joe-jitsu, Lisa.

The 15-fold path
to enlightenment.

Actually, Max, it's 16.
Sixteen?

Well, I don't think
I'm cut out for this.

Look, look, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to ask you.
Really it's beg you

one last time,
will you please--

Lisa, again
with the job descriptions.

I mean, come on. Even if Dave
goes totally psycho

you don't think he'll
fire somebody, do you?

Well, what if he does?
Well, what if it's you?

What are you, high?

Look.

I would feel really stupid

if the one thing
that would prevent you

from getting fired is a simple
little job description.

So just please do it.

Well, prepare to feel stupid.

Good one, Max.

Obnoxious mouthing off is
the cornerstone of Joe-jitsu.

A stalled truck
is blocking traffic

in the left lane
of the Manhattan Bridge.

More after this.

What are you doing?

Shh, shh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Mommas of the world unite.

"Mother's Day is a sham.
I say, a sham

"perpetrated by bad children.
I repeat, bad children.

"So let's give America
a spanking, shall we?

"Join me, Jimmy James,
on this so-called Mother's Day

in the first annual
Million Mommas March."

Sir--

"Marching Mommas meet at 2:00
at the Capitol Dome.

And remember,
Yo Momma March."

This is WNYX. More after this.

See, Lisa,
the dream lives on.

Mother's Day will be abolished
in our lifetimes.

A million marching
mommas can't be wrong.

Well, sir, do you know how
you're gonna handle the details?

Like the food and lodging,
facilities--

Yeah. That's the genius
of my plan, see?

The mommas do all that.

Yeah, they love figuring
all that stuff out.

And then when it's all over,
they clean up.

[♪]

LISA:
Here they are, Dave.

The job descriptions.

Ah, good.
More fuel for my wrath.

No, no. I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

You didn't write these,
did you?

Do what?
Well, see, I just,

I'd hate to think
that a highly-motivated

go-getter like yourself
was wasting her time

covering for ne'er-do-wells.

Well, don't think it.

Mm-hm. All right.

Well, what do you say
we go check these out?

Sure. Go ahead.
I'm gonna go.

I don't care. Go ahead.
All right. Sure. Okay.

Hey. Come on.
Hey.

Um, everyone?

Hey, hey, everybody.

I just want to apologize,
you know?

I obviously got you guys
all wrong. I mean, these,

these detailed
and articulate job descriptions

clearly show
your professionalism

and your dedication
to the work.

I mean, I don't know
what I can say except bravo.

And for you, Max, brava.

Thank you.
I worked very hard on that.

Well,
that much is clear, Max.

And now that
you are all warmed up,

what do you say you cart
those promos for me, huh?

Cart? What?
You know?

Oh, yes. Cart the promos.

Yes, I can do that.

Oh, I know you can, Max.

It says so right
there in your job description.

And, uh, Beth?

More coffee, Dave?
No, got one.

Beth, why don't
you just do

numbers one through five
on your list, okay?

Yeah, okay.
I'll get right on that.

Terrific. Terrific.

Joe and Matthew.

You guys can start
at the top of your lists.

Start working your way down
and I'll get back to you, okay?

Thanks, everybody.

He was going to randomly
fire somebody.

I just saved your jobs.
You should be thanking me.

You know, Lisa,
usually we go along

with your little
harebrained schemes.

But collate invoices?

I don't even know
what a "collate" is.

I just saved your jobs.

Well, thanks for nothing.

[♪]

What's the matter? Did you
run out of lighter fluid?

No. You know Yo Momma March?
It ain't happening.

Why?

Well, apparently

mommas like Mother's Day.

I know what you need.

Why? What are you doing?
I'm gonna call your momma.

No, not necessary.
Don't you think she'd be proud?

Yeah, she'd be proud.
But you don't have to do that.

Ringing. Ringing.
No, no, no.

Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.

I forgot my mommy's birthday
yesterday.

Oh, my God. The whole Million
Momma March because you forgot.

Oh, not good.

No, no. Now, Beth,
you don't understand.

If Mommy ain't happy,
ain't nobody happy.

Now just hang up. Just hang up.

Too late. Oh, take it.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
Wait a minute.

Hey, Mommy.

Yeah, it's Ji--
Ooh.

Here you go, Dave.

Ah,
more fake job descriptions?

No, no.
f*ring recommendations.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

I've described scenarios
for f*ring them individually.

Plus one very, very
well-reasoned argument

for f*ring them all at once.

By mail.

Well,
that's very professional.

Oh, yes. It is professional.

It is professional.

It is thorough.
It is logical. It is decisive.

It is really good.
You know, Lisa,

sometimes,
you can be too professional.

Oh, my God, Dave.
They've broken you.

Uh...

You know, Lisa.
I want to show you something.

Hello.

I've been hitting Matthew.

What?

Yeah. I can't begin to tell you
how great it feels.

Oh, I see. I see.
Yeah.

So I spend all day
trying to calm you down

and save their jobs
but none of it really matters

because hitting someone
makes you feel good.

It's not just anyone,
it's Matthew.

Hello.

You know, you seem agitated.
I think I have a suggestion.

I'm not going to hit you.
Why? You'll feel better.

I don't wanna feel better.
What, are you chicken?

[CLUCKING]
Yeah, come on. Yeah, come on. Lisa.

You've gotta give it a sh*t.

All right, fine.

All right.

Ow.
All right.

You two have some fun,
all right?

Wait.
Maybe it's not a good idea.

No. No, it'll be great.
Dave. Wait.

[BLOWS LANDING]
MATTHEW: No.

Dave?

Oh, God. Dave?

My big padded suit.

It's useless against Lisa.

Master Joe, help me.

[♪]