05x22 - New Hampshire

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.
Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
Post Reply

05x22 - New Hampshire

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, that's everything.

So, uh, let's get to work.

What's the point in working
now that Mr. James retired

and moved to New Hampshire?

Mr. James still owns
the station, right?

And even though he lit out
for the wilds of New Hampshire

I still fully expect him

to come walking through
that door any second.

Dave, you have been
fully expecting him

to walk through that door
for a full two weeks.

I continue to fully expect him

to walk through that door
any second.

You just watch. Just any--
Any second now he's gonna

come through that door.

Just right through there.

You know, you're all just gonna
have to trust me on this one.

Hey, g*ng.

Ha, bam.
Thank you, ma'am.

No, everybody sit down,
sit down.

Come on now, everybody.
I didn't come bearing gifts

or anything like that
except for this.

I-I brought this
for you Matthew.

What is it?

It is a sprig of balsam fir

all the way from New Hampshire.

Wow, it smells like really good
bathroom disinfectant.

All right.
I told everyone you'd be back.

Well, what, uh--
What made you so sure?

Well, you know,
you still own the station.

Right. Right.
Anyway, I sold the station.

I just flew back here
to finalize some paperwork

so I can get out
of this hellhole. No offense.

You actually like it
up there?

Yes. Sure. It's--
It's wonderful up there, Joe.

It's like--
Like New Hampshire is--

Is for lovers.

Saw that on a T-shirt
and made it my own.

Mr. James, are you
really gonna leave us?

Yeah. I'm afraid so, sweetie.
I know. I know it's-- It's okay.

Look, look, could you all
excuse me for a second?

I gotta talk some
business talk to Dave here.

Please don't go.

Thank you.

I'm gonna miss
that little monkey.

She does have
an incredibly strong grip.

I'm talking about Joe.

You're really gonna
stay up there, huh?

Well, sure. Why wouldn't I?

I mean, I got crickets to sing
me to sleep at night.

I got, you know, a rooster
to wake me up in the morning.

And cows to moo at me
while I sit on the porch.

And listen to 'em moo.

And there is nothing at all
you miss about big-city life?

Well, I guess, there's--
Guess there's one thing.

Well, what?
Just a second.

I'm so lonely, Dave.

I'm so lonely.



So, you're, uh--
You're lonely, huh, sir?

I'm lonely.
So very lonely, Dave.

And yet you're
too embarrassed to admit

that moving to New Hampshire
was a huge mistake.

What? No, no,
I love it up there.

I'm just a little lonely,
that's all.

Well, sir, I thought--

No, Dave, the air, all right?

The air is crystal clear
up there.

There's-- There's stars
in the sky.

The Vermont maple syrup
only has to travel one state.

Believe me,
you can taste the difference.

But you have no one
to share it with.

No. That's right.
And you know what I did?

You know, I went up there,
and I bought myself

a little AM radio station,
you know?

Just some place
I could just hang around.

And then,
the local people are so nice.

They're sweet people,
but it's not the same.

It's not the same
without you.

Well, thank you, sir.
I mean, it's nice to be missed.

Yes. So why don't you move up
to New Hampshire with me?


No. I'm serious.
Your own little--

Little radio station

nestled amidst the rolling
green hills, you know?

Well, sir, that's basically
what I worked very hard

to leave behind
in Wisconsin.

Come on, it'll be fun, Dave.
It'll be fun. Be fun.

Darling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue.

Dave, that, uh,
"New Hampshire is for lovers,"

that's a T-shirt slogan,
not a come-on.

No. Sir, I was just--
I was quoting--

I was quoting the theme song
to Green Acres.

The TV-- Yeah, that's right.
Yes, well, that's another thing.

That-- That is your favorite
TV show. Green Acres.

I'm giving you the opportunity
to make your dream come true.

Well, sir, Green Acres
isn't my favorite show.

it's a wonderfully rendered

half-hour of absurdist comedy.

Okay, then. Y-y-you don't
wanna come with me, fine.

Just, uh, give me someone else
from the staff.

Well, no. No, sir. I need
everyone to run the station.

Come on.
You need all these people?

Yes, sir. I need all of--
Oh, hold on.

Beth, will you tell Matthew
I want to speak to him?

Well, I am flattered.

I'll tell you that.

But I've set up
an entire life for myself here

in New York City.

Would you mind
describing it to me?

I have cats.

Cats are permitted
in New Hampshire.

Perhaps, but are they welcomed?
There is a difference.

Yeah, I know.
Look, I'd be willing

to offer you a promotion.

To what?

Tempting. Very tempting.


That's actually what
your job is now.

Is it?

Intriguing. Very intriguing.

You know what? Just gimme
a little time and just let me

think about it.

Sure. Absolutely.

Mr. James, why are you trying
to take Matthew away from us?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Beth,

I wasn't that crazy about taking
Matthew in the first place.

I-I get what you're doing here.
Reverse psychology, right?

Yeah. That's, uh--
That's right.

Nice try.

Mr. James,
this isn't fair.

You can't take Matthew up there
just to play the role

of some silly little puppet
that amuses you.

He plays an important part
of what goes on around here.

And what would that be, Joe?

The role of the silly little
puppet that amuses me.

He's mine, dude.
Get your own.

Matthew's not
going anywhere.

Matthew has never lived more
than five miles away

from his mother
in his entire life.

We all have to leave
our mothers, sometime.

Well, put it this way.
When Matthew's mother dies,

I'm imagining him dressing up
in her clothes

and m*rder transients.

Okay. Just hang on
for a second.

Has anybody considered

that this might be a good thing
for Matthew?

New Hampshire has a lot to offer
a young man like him.

Really? Like what?

Well, like...

square dancing
every Saturday night.

with the volunteer
f*re department.


Do they call the Virginia Reel?
Sure, they do.

What's the Virginia Reel?

The original forbidden dance.

Do they require membership?

No. Just a lust for life
and comfortable shoes.

Well, that's how you spend

your Saturday nights
up there, huh? Hoo-ha.

Oh, sure, yeah. No, they're--
They're hopping and bopping.

They're bumping and grinding

with a bunch of very lonely,
volunteer firemen.

I did not hear that part.

Do they dress up
in their little firemen outfits?

Well, I'm sure a pretty
little city gal like you

could make them dress up
in anything you want them to.

Policeman outfit?

Would they cuff me?

Now, hold on here.
Just wait one second.

Will you pay us the same
that you pay us here?

Oh, sure.

I don't wanna
give up my apartment.

But I'd be willing to pay
for it while you're there.

Mine, too?

No. No.

Nobody gets to go
but Matthew.

Why does Matthew
get to go?

Because Matthew is completely
and utterly useless.

You're just not cut out
for country life.

No. You're a city boy.
Through and through.

Yeah. You get your
gritty energy

from the mean streets
of Manhattan.

Is it that obvious?

It is, dude.
Yeah. Truly is.

But, you know,
maybe New Hampshire

is just the place for me

to finally make a name
for myself as a, uh--

Uh, as a...

Right. One of those.

What are you gonna report on?
Cow parties?

They have those?

But, you know,
they have serious stuff.

Like when those guys
go up there

because they wanna
be president--

New Hampshire primaries.

That thing. When is that?

It's coming up in nine months
but the grassroots

organizational activity,
which is the real story,

has already started.

Also they have
that great college up there.

I bet they have some ragers.

Do you guys remember

when Mike Dukakis
won New Hampshire,

and we all thought the second
coming of Camelot was imminent?

I gotta go talk to Dave.

I mean, everybody thought
Tsongas had it all wrapped up.

But so much
for statistical sampling, huh?

One of these days
I have to open up your stomach

and reprogram
your motherboard.

Hi, Dave.

What's with the cigar?

Huh? Oh, celebrating.

Matthew has agreed to go
to New Hampshire with Mr. James.

He has?

Yes, he has. Want a cigar?

Well, I am all packed up
and ready to go.

Ah. So soon?

What's with the cigar?

They're cigars of sorrow.

Oh, wow.
Well, that makes me wonder

if I'm doing
the right thing here.

Well, I'm abandoning you.

No, Matthew, Matthew,

We must-- We must think
of Mr. James.

He's very lonely.

Well, why can't he
just buy a cat?

He's Lutheran.

Uh-huh. Well--

Well, duty calls.

So I guess, goodbye, Dave.

Thanks, man.
Oh, thank you.

Okay. Easy there,
big fella.

Bye, Matthew.

Well, I can't believe
you got rid of him.

Oh, I'm not
getting rid of him.

You know, it's just, uh--
You know, a sabbatical of sorts.

So it's not permanent?

No. No.
It's just, you know, a year.

Maybe two years.
You sure you don't want a cigar?

Yes. I want a sabbatical.


No. No, no, no.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

It's just like you said,
it's not permanent.

It's just a little time away.

No, you're not moving
to New Hampshire.

Come on, history is happening
there even as we speak.

I mean, who knows
what's brewing?

Perhaps a replay
of Bruce Babbitt's famed

October semi-surprise.

Or maybe even another Mo Udall

come to sweep
a cynical nation off its feet.

Wait. You think
you'll be happy up there

trudging around in the snow,
watching two-bit bureaucrats

debate the merits of a national
flat tax to a cross-section

of demographic

Oh, Dave. I knew you'd

Forget about the primaries.
That's just part of it.

Important thing is, I get to get
back into print journalism.

You know, Mr. James owns a radio
station, not a newspaper.

No. He also owns
a small weekly newspaper.

Since when?
Since I told him

I would only move
to New Hampshire

if I could edit
a small weekly newspaper.

What am I supposed to do
without you?

That's what you said
when we were breaking up.

And look at you now.
You're-- Fine.

You've got that great apartment.
You gonna give that up?

Yes, Mr. James said
he would pay for it.

Yeah? And you've got a husband
in prison to support.

He makes license plates.
He has an income.

Why don't you just come with us?
And work for you?

No. You could run the small
country radio station.

I'll edit the small
country newspaper.

I'm sure they'll make
for fiery debates

over the old pickle barrel.

Dave, what ever happened
to your sense of adventure?

I don't have one. I never had
a sense of adventure.

You said that's what
you liked about me.

I don't think it's fair
to take something I said

in the throes of passion
and rub my face in it.

Yes, okay. But I get to keep
the printing press, right?

I need to talk to you
right now.

The Collins
County Register.

Do you think anybody
would hate it

if I called it
the Daily Jimmy?

I know, I know it's a weekly.
I just like the name.

Mr. James. I need
Just hold.

to talk to you now.
We'll work it out. Yes, we will.

Okay. Bye, neighbor.

Why are you doing
this to me?

Ah, doing what?

You can't have Lisa.
I need Lisa.

She made up her own mind.

After you bought her
a newspaper.

I don't see anybody stopping you
from buying a newspaper.

No, look. I gave you
Matthew. That's it.

I need someone to fix all the
mistakes Matthew's gonna make.

Well, why not Beth?

Oh, great, I can have Beth too?

No, it's just that,
I mean, if I have to choose

between taking Lisa and taking
Beth, I would prefer it if--

What am I saying? No.

I don't want you to take anyone.
I need everyone here.

We need you in New Hampshire,
all right?


I'll tell you what.
I'll buy you a pig.

Just like in Green Acres.

You can call him Harold.
Just think about it.


Wait, Dave, Dave.
Can I talk to you?

You know, Max I really
don't have time to discuss

lack of name-brand snack foods
in the break room.

You know what?
I am really not gonna miss

your sarcastic streak.

What's that supposed to mean?

Means I'm leaving.

I'm New Hampshire-bound,

No. You're not going
anywhere, Max.

Well, Lisa's going.

Yes. Which means

that you're my only
on-air talent.


So you admit
I'm talented.

No. I said you are
a talent.

That is your
job classification.

Oh. So you're saying
I'm not talented?

You're talented.

Too late.

Max, why do you even want
to go to New Hampshire, huh?

Mr. James bought me a pig.

Are you a big
Green Acres fan?

Green what?

Thank you.

Will Mr. Nelson be needing
anything else?

No. No, I don't think so.

Let us be clear here.

Am I no longer needed?

Uh, yeah. I think so. Yeah.

You son of a bitch.
I knew it.

Uh, is it National

"Have Your Secretary
Institutionalized" Day?

Oh, ha. Sarcasm. The last refuge
of sons of bitches!

What is this about?

Oh, I'll tell you
what this is about.

This is about me spending
five years of my life

fetching coffee
for a know-it-all hick.

It's about cleaning up after him

and it's about laughing
at all of his jokes

that nobody gets except
all the other hard-up nerds

who play video games and watch
TV because they have no life!

I am not going to pretend
that that didn't hurt a little.

No, yeah, let's cut the

And get right to the point.

I thought
that I was a valued employee.

And then you sold me
out to Mr. James.

Cut the innocent act, Dave.

I heard you tell him he could
take me if he didn't take Lisa.

Then maybe you also heard I
didn't want him to take anyone.

Don't lie to my face.

I'm not. It's true.

I would hate it if you went
to New Hampshire.


Of course I would.

My eavesdropping
has gotten so sloppy.

I'm really sorry, Dave.

That's all right.
It's just fine.

But I called you
a know-it-all hick

and a hard-up nerd.

You know what? We'll just live
with that, all right?

You know?
This is so embarrassing.

Oh my, God. I can't even
look you in the eye.

Oh, Beth. Don't be silly.
It was just words, all right?

There are those messages
I left on your machine.


The letters I sent.

Just more words.
Don't worry about it.

And there was
the package. Huh?

Dave, promise me
you won't open that package.

I promise.

You know, I think the best thing
for both of us is for me

to just get out of town
and start somewhere fresh.

But where?

That really
won't be necessary.

Mr. James!

Oh, my God. Dave.
Wait a minute. Wait. Dave, wait.

Trust me on this one.

I can't believe you'll let
everybody quit like that.

It's just a case
of temporary insanity, you know?

Mass, infectious,
but purely temporary insanity.

I can't believe I'm never
gonna see those guys again.

Well, Joe, I mean, even if they
do go up there, you know

New Hampshire's
only a three-hour drive.

Maybe for you
but I don't travel.

No. It's a really
nice drive.

I don't think you get it.

I've never been outside
of New York City my whole life.


I took the ferry
to Staten Island.

Does that count?

Then never.

I figure I was born here
in the cradle of civilization.

Why would I wanna go anywhere?

I know. You've got a point.

Plus, when you leave the city
that's when they get you.

When who gets you?
The aliens.

You know, 93.7 percent
of all abductions

occur outside of New York.

Okay. Let me just see
if I've got this straight.

You've never left
New York City limits

because you're afraid that--

Ah. I'm not afraid of anything.

No, I understand, Joe.

I just wanna be clear on that.
I'm Joe Garrelli,

and I'm not afraid
of anything.

Fine. You know, Joe,
you know what?

I really wouldn't
worry about it, okay?

I'm sure they'll come back
and visit us from time to time.

I mean, you know, those that
are still on the planet Earth.


You're right.

Right about what?

I gotta go up there.
I gotta help them.

I gotta confront my fears.

No. No, Joe,
confronting your fears,

that's the coward's way.

They don't even know
what's in store for them.

Abductions. Implants. Forced
breeding. I gotta be brave.

No, be afraid.
Be very afraid.

Dave, you don't want
a Matthew-alien hybrid

running around
out there, do you?

Well, no. But--

Dave, it's too late.
My path has been set.

I'm gonna go up to New Hampshire
and kick some little alien ass.

Or tentacles
or whatever they got.

I'm just gonna sh**t low
and kick hard. I gotta go.

Well, this is--
This is strange, isn't it?

I never thought
I'd be staying at

WNYX longer than
everybody else.

Even me?
Well, except you, Max.

No one's forcing you,

There's a seat in the minivan
with your name on it.

I call g*n.
It's already been called.


If something goes down wouldn't
you have me riding g*n?

And I do mean literally.

Dave, we got you
a little something.

Just a reminder
of all of our days together.

A coffee mug. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Remember when we all
used to work together and...

you would always
drink coffee? Heh.

Yeah, vaguely.
Vaguely, yeah.

And-- And there's a picture
of all of us goofing off on it.

So when you start to miss us,
you can look at it

and remember how irritated
you used to get.

Yeah. Well, whose idea was it
for Max to take his shirt off?


I do all my own stunts.

This is very--
This is very sweet.

Okay, people.
Going up to the country.

Got to get away.
I wouldn't waste too much time

saying goodbye to Dave.
I have a feeling

we're gonna be seeing him
again real soon.

When will that be, sir?

When you come to your senses
and realize

you're passing up
the opportunity of a lifetime.

Come on, people.

( sighs )

I'm sorry. I can't.

Are you sure,

Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I-I guess we, uh--

We all knew this day
would come eventually. I--

I-I suppose it's nice
that so many people

will be staying together.

Bye, Dave.

Yeah, we'll see you, Dave.

Oh, and I just wanted to say
one more thing.

You're all making
a huge mistake.

No, I mean you're being stupid.
Stupid. Stupid.

We'll miss you too, you gap-toothed little monkey.

Matthew, what are you doing
under there?


Remember how you thought
I was gonna abandon you?

In your dreams, buddy.

Yeah, in my dreams.

What do you want me to do?
We gotta get crackin'.

Want me to do electrical work?
Do some reporting?

Read the news?
Get ya some coffee?

Well, y-you--
You take your pick, okay?

I'm gonna get you some coffee.


How do ya take it?

Hot and black.

How 'bout cold

with little things
floating on it?


It's me and you, pal.

Me and you forever.

I know.

Post Reply