08x04 - Single and Hating It

[bunniefuu]

Look at this flyer
I just got

for a singles mixer
at the community center.

Oh, they stuck one
on your car, too?

Yeah! What a pitiful way
to try and scrape up a date.

Oh, I know.

There's so many more civilized
ways to meet people,

like dinner parties
or cruises...

or jury duty.

I once hung a jury
for three weeks

until a certain good-looking
foreman said the magic words,

"Oh, all right,
if it'll get us out of here."

You know how I like
to meet women?

By pretending I'm choking
in restaurants.

Waitresses have to give you
the Heimlich. It's the law.

Of course, I always manage
to cough up a little something

so I don't look like an idiot.

How hard up
do you have to be

to drag yourself to some
stupid singles mixer?

Hey, look at this great party
I got invited to.

"If you're single,
come and mingle

meet the special someone
who will make you tingle."

Can you believe it?

Me, Antonio Scarpacci--

how did I finally make it
on the "A" list?

You had a windshield.

Oh, Joe, these just came.

Thank you
for my anniversary flowers.

Thank you for my
anniversary flowers.

Helen, do you realize

that this is the only place
we get any privacy anymore?

Let's take advantage of it.

Happy anniversary.

Oh... happy anniversary.

Hey, guys, we're
ordering in

Chinese takeout tonight
for the four of us,

and we need some money.

Wow! Look at those
gorgeous flowers.

And when you buy
the big one, what--

do you get that little
dinky one for free?

Uh, anyway,
we were thinking

Buddha's Veggie Feast
for the women,

and then you and I
could just share

the Szechwan pork.

Right, Joe?

Pork? Didn't you
see Babe?

Have you learned
nothing?

Hey, I love Babe...

on a plate with a little
sweet and sour sauce.

Hey, Joe?
Huh? Huh?

Brian, we're not having
Chinese tonight.

It's our anniversary.

We're going to the 'Sconset Inn.

Oh, even better.

I love the
'Sconset Inn.

We forgot
to tell you

one little thing
about our dinner plans.

Yeah. We're going
to the 'Sconset Inn,

and guess who's
going to be there?

Not you!

And then after dinner,

we're gonna take
a romantic stroll

along the pier with...

Again, not you!

Then we're gonna
go home,

we're gonna open
a bottle of wine

and we're gonna
crawl into bed...

So not with you.

Guys, give us a break.

We need some privacy.

We have been stuck
living with you

under the same roof
for a year.

Okay, okay.
I hear you, I hear you.

You know, a quiet,
romantic dinner for two

at the 'Sconset Inn--
that's one way to go...

or-- and I think you're gonna
get a big kick out of this--

the girls go ahead
to the house,

they fire up the barbecue,

you and I go on a beer run,

we pick up a six-pack
and some dogs...

We really have ourselves
a party, huh?!

Now, that says
"anniversary."

Well, that was just rude
for the sake of rude.

So what are we
doing tonight?

Well...

Hey, that movie Unzipped
is playing downtown.

Unzipped--

I'm intrigued.

Um... it's a documentary

about Isaac Mizrahi,
the fashion designer.

It follows his spring line
from sketches to the runway,

and then it shows
how he dazzled New York

with his use of faux fur.

Or... I could b*at myself
senseless with my own fist.

Brian, Casey,
I need your help.

I'm going to this big
singles mixer tonight,

and I was planning to wear
a turtleneck with a blazer.

What do you think,
too "playboy after dark"?

Whoa, whoa. Back up there, Hef.

You're going to singles mixer?

Got a personal invite.

They put it

under my left wiper blade

where they knew
I wouldn't miss it.

Antonio, you can't go
to this, man.

I mean, it's going to be a room

filled with pathetic, desperate,
lonely people.

Add "horny" and I'm their boy.

A "singles mingle"--
can you believe that?

That's-That's as low
as it gets.

I think we should go.

Are you insane?

Brian, you're such a coward.

I mean, you never take a chance.

You just sit there
in your small, little world,

eating your greasy takeout
and watching life pass you by.

You're right.

I do do that...

because I like it!

And I'll tell you, I'm going
to do the same thing tonight

because I don't care
whose anniversary it is,

I live there, too, and nobody's
going to kick me out.

BRIAN:
Hey, Joey,
here's my final offer.

8:00 good for you?

Perfect.

(thunder crashing)

(both groaning)

Great...

Worst storm of the year,
I'm at a singles mingle--

it's a sign, I tell you.

If the ocean turns to blood,
I'll know the end is nigh.

Brian, I'm a little more
than sick of your attitude.

If you don't want to be here,
why don't you just leave?

You take one step
and I'll k*ll you.

All right,
all right, look...

before we go inside there

and take a ride
on "It's a sad world"...

I think we should come up
with, uh, some sort of code--

you know, something that says,

"I hate this, I told you so,
let's go."

Fair enough.
Okay, let's see...

it should be something subtle
but to the point.

"Belly button."

What? Use it in a sentence.

Let's get the belly button
out of here.

Oh, God, Brian,

give this a
chance, will you?

Well, hello,
you two sexy singles!

Belly button.

Hi! I'm Carol.

Welcome to my Singles
Mingle, a magical night

that could change
your life forever.

(coldly):
That's four bucks a pop.

No refunds.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No pay, no peek.

All right, look,
the only reason we're here

is because
it's my brother's anniversary

and we got kicked
out of the house.

I don't need this
to meet women.

It's okay.
We're not here to judge.

I'm sure you braved a torrential
downpour and gale-force winds

because you have
a full social life.

Just pay the lady.

Oh... damn!
(thunder crashing)

I forgot my wallet.

Oh, well....

Uh, no.

Uh, that'll be for...

two.

There you go.
All right.

Now, what are your names?

It's Casey...

Oh, no, no, no.
No, No name tags.

Wally.

Have fun, Wally.

Look.

I'm wearing a name tag.

I've crossed a line

and there's no turning back.

Come! Walk with me.

(thunder crashing)

Hello... uh, Casey.

Oh. Hi... Mike.

This isn't too
awkward, is it?

You read my mind.

So, um,
what do you do, Mike?

Well, I'm a partner
in a law firm,

but my real passion
is music.

I play piano in a jazz band
a couple of nights a week.

Really?! I love jazz.

No kidding?

(strained grunt)

Uh, yeah. I'm actually
a big fan of Miles Davis.

Me, too.

I love his album
Birth of the Cool.

(strained grunt)

Right. That's the one
where he does

that great
20-minute version of...

belly button!

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Longhorn cheddar
is, uh...

is a great...
is a great cheese.

Would you excuse me, please?

Belly button,
belly button!

Are you deaf?

All right, just shh.

Just grab my arm
and start running,

but just know
that if you fall,

I'm leaving you for dead.

CASEY:
Oh!

Now there's a single
worth mingling with.

Hey, hey!
We both belly buttoned.

You can't leave me alone.

You're not alone.

Hi, Edwin.

Meet Casey.

Hi, Casey.

You're way too pretty
to be at a party like this.

Oh. Well, thank you, Edwin.

That's very sweet.

Hooker, huh?

Uh, hi there.

Hello. What'll it be?

You know, I'd love
a margarita,

and I know a great place
where we can go get one.

Thanks, but I'm not
supposed to socialize

with the guests.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You think I'm one of them?

One of the desperate ones?

No, no, no, no.
I'm not a guest.

I'm just here to keep a friend
of mine company, that's all.

Oh, sure you are...

Wally.

No, no, no. They make you
put this on at the door.

Wally's not even
my real name.

Oh! What's on this thing?
Cement?

Ah! You got to believe me.

I don't belong here.

Hey, buddy.

I should have known
I'd see you here.

You dog! Huh?!

Oh, that's great
timing, Antonio.

You just blew my chances
with that bartender!

Okay. A little advice--

don't take it personally.

That was always
my problem.

I was too sensitive.

Look around.

This room is a sea of babes.

One rejects you,
it's, "No problem. Next."

Okay. Ground rules:

Tonight, you don't
look at me,

you don't talk to me,

you don't come near me.
You got it?

No problem, because I'm not
going to take that personally.

Hi, there, pretty lady.

Your loss.

Moving on. Next.

Hey, pal.
How you doing?

Hey, that's Edwin,
isn't it?

Edwin, my man.

Lenny, you're looking good.

EDWIN:
Oh, great.

Roy's here. The rest of us
don't stand a chance.

All right, everyone.

Let the dames begin.

Whoa. Exqueeze me.

Fox at 12:00.

Hello.

I got an itch only
you can scratch.

(yells)

Oh-oh-okay! I'm here because,
believe it or not,

I have nothing else to do.

But why, why, why...

Oh, relax. Haven't you
ever seen anyone

try a new look before?

Got your butt over here,
didn't it?

Woo! Cochran, what is that
perfume you're wearing?

Whoa.

It's called "Come Hither."

It's made
with sheep pheromones.

They're known to attract
the opposite sex.

Of what species?

(strained grunt)

Well, it seems
to be working.

Hey. You're a tall
drink of water, aren't you?

b*at it, worm.

Ouch! Not.

Well, well, Hackett,
I'm glad to see

you're not letting a little
thing like a marriage

get in the way
of your social life.

Relax, Roy.
Brian forgot his wallet.

I came here
to give it to him.

Believe me, this is the
last place in the world
I want to be tonight.

ROY:
Uh-oh. Too late,
Hackett.

You're busted.

Joe, a little help, here.

Hey, guys, give the
lady some space.

Gosh, what's taking
so long?

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

I get it!

Swingles, huh?

You better take off
those wedding rings.

This crowd finds out
you're married,

they'll tear you apart.

However, this crowd...

knock twice and say
you'd like to file jointly.

'Nuff said.

Come on.
Let's find Brian

and get out of here before
the weather gets any worse.

There he is.
Brian.

Oh! Great. You've come
to take me home.

Wait right here.
I'll just get my things.

No, no. Not so fast,
there... Wally.

I just wanted to give you this.

Didn't want you
to have any excuse

to come home early
and ruin our evening.

Okay, enough chitchat.

See you, Wally.
Let's go, Joe.

(thunder crashing)

I'm sorry,
but you can't leave.

Don't take me on, lady.

No, I mean
the storm's gotten worse.

It's really bad out there.

Oh. And in here
it's Mardi Gras?

The road's washed out.

No one's going anywhere
for quite a while.

(thunder crashing)

Here's Mother and me
in Atlantic City.

Here's Mother and me at
the Club Med in Cancun.

And here's
Mother and me

on our Caribbean vacation...

with her boyfriend!

(thunder rumbling)

Excuse me.

Joe...
Helen,

I got some
really bad news.

It is pouring out there.

The whole driveway is flooded.

I couldn't even make it to
the car. We're stuck here.

You listen to me--
this is our anniversary,

and I am not spending it here
at "Ripley's Believe It Or Not."

Look, Helen,
let's face it,

I don't want to be here
any more than you do,

but we have no choice.

Great.

It's my anniversary,

and I'm spending it
at a single's mingle

because you had
to bring Brian his wallet.

Wait a minute, are you
saying this is my fault?
No, not at all.

All I'm saying is we wouldn't
be here if it weren't for you.

You know what?
I resent that.

Our anniversary is as important
to me as it is to you.

Oh, really? You wouldn't
know that by the flowers.

What's that
supposed to mean?

All I'm saying is

on her wedding anniversary,

what girl wouldn't dream
of a cup of daisies?

Oh, really?

Well, did you take the
time to read that cup?

Garfield says some
very romantic things.

Oh, I'm glad you guys
are still here.

I'd like you
to meet Bob.

We've been having
the loveliest chat.

Hey, Bob...

Hi.

(sniffing)

What is that stench?

God, is there
a wet farm animal in here?

(clinking)

Oop, Bob, dropped something.
Oh, uh...

A wedding ring?
You're married?!

(crowd shouting)
Shh...

Okay, pal,
you know the rules--

you come in married,
you go out carried.

Start walking.

I don't know you.

We never met.

(thunder crashing,
crowd gasping)

CAROL:
Don't panic.
Everyone stay calm.

It's just the storm.

Did I mention
there are no refunds?

Joe, there's someone else
I want you to meet.

I can't believe
she's still available.

Joe, this is Fay.

(thunder crashes,
both screaming)

(both screaming)

You know
what's really funny?

You think that I need
this mingle to meet women.

Well, that is
just hysterical.

(maniacal laughter)

Because I can meet
any woman I want.

And you know why?

Because I'm a smart,
sexy, sensitive guy.

You don't do
better than me.

I've got women begging
to go out with me.

Please! Please!
Be one of those women!

Look, Wally...

My name is not Wally!

I'm not a Wally!

Do not call me Wally!

(sniffing)

What is that horrible smell?

Oh, my God.

I've got the stink.

The stink of desperation.

Well, "worthless little weasel"
is a bit strong,

but hey, no problem.

(thunder crashing)

(sobbing):
What's wrong with me?!

Well, time to break some hearts.

Attention, everyone,
pick a partner.

It's time for the
multiplication dance.

(crowd cheering)

(big band music playing)

Look, Helen,
I don't want to fight.

Oh, me either.

Joe, I'm sorry I snapped
at you earlier.

It's just that this is not what
I pictured for our anniversary.

I know, I know.

But, look, at least
we're together.

Change!

Hey, wait a minute,
what are you doing?

I was dancing with her.

It's the multiplication dance.

When Carol yells "change,"
we switch partners.

That way we all
get a taste.

Hey, hey, just...

keep your hands
where I can see them.

Hi. Would you like to..?

Excuse me, but...

No, huh?

Looking good.

And here's a picture
of Mother and me

at the mineral baths.

(thunder crashing,
Helen screams)

CAROL:
Change!

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Look, no more tag.

Wally is dead.

Now, will you go out with me?

Look, Wally, you're not
an unattractive guy.

Just don't try so hard.

I mean, you come off
a little desperate.

(scoffs)
Me, desperate?

Yeah, right.
(thunder crashing)

Oh, man!

I'm such a loser...

Change!

I've been watching you
all night, Antonio,

and I'm going
to do something
I've never done

in the 20 years
I've been running
Singles Mingles.

Oh, really?

You've... You've been
saving me for yourself, huh?

No. I'm giving
you a refund.

And there's another
20 in it for you

if you'll wait
out the storm
in my office.

All right! Party of one
heading for the office.

(thunder crashing)

I'll be back!

And I know all your names!

Bye-bye.

All righty,
everyone gather 'round

for the midnight mingle's
raffle.

Look, Joe.

In two minutes,
our anniversary will be over.

I can't believe
we spent it here.

Okay, look, I'll tell you what--
we'll go out tomorrow night,

we'll pretend that's
our anniversary

and none of this
ever happened.

It happened, Joe.
Face it.

I mean, you only get
one first anniversary

in your entire life,
and ours is ruined.

The lucky winners
of a romantic dinner for two

at the 'Sconset Inn are...

Mike...

Okay, look, I know
that we wanted

to spend the evening
alone together.

Didn't happen,

but nobody
is going keep me

from giving you
an anniversary kiss.

Well, you better do it
while no one's looking.

And our lucky gal is Helen!

Oh, perfect!

I was really hoping
it would be...

(grunting)... you.

It's a match!

And don't they make
a cute couple?

Mike, Helen,
how about a dance?

It could be the first dance
of the rest of your lives.

("In the Mood" playing)

Wait a minute.

He's not dancing with her
and he's not taking her out.

I've got something
I want to say

and don't care
what you people think.

Helen and I are married...

(crowd gasping)

...married to the idea that
singles mingles really work.

I know now that you can
look across a room like this

and see the person
you want to spend

the rest of
your life with,

just like I'm doing
right now.

Helen, I've wanted
to be alone with
you all night.

And I want to be alone with you
for the rest of my life.

I know this is kind of sudden,
but will you marry me?

(crowd sighing)

I love you so much.

Yes, I'll marry you.

It's a match!

And don't they make
a cute couple?

Joe, Helen,
it's time

for the first dance...
of the rest of your lives.

(music resumes)

(thunder crashing)

BRIAN (sobbing):
I'm so lonely!

WOMAN:
Nobody loves
a really big woman!

EDWIN:
When will Mother die?!

JOE:
Happy anniversary, honey.

HELEN:
Happy anniversary, Joe.