08x05 - Too Beautiful for You

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Roy.
What'll it be?

Oh,

what's the difference?

Uh, the usual B.L.T.

Okay. Casey?

Same old chicken salad.

Okay. Brian.

(grunts)

Burger.

(groans)

No onions.

Fay?

I guess I'll have
a tuna melt.

Guess again. I'm all out

of cheese.

What is that wonderful
aroma wafting in here?

Oh, it smells like
freshly baked bread.

Yeah, yeah,

and freshly
roasted coffee

with just a hint
of hazelnut.

(sniffs)

And meat.

(sniffs)

I smell meat.

ALL:
Oh...

Carte blanche. Please!

People around here
don't go for that fussy stuff.

They like
plain old American food

served up with
a side of good conversation.

Hey, Fay, you're in luck!

I just found a fresh can
of cheese!

Oh! I never thought
it could be like this.

I know. It's like my
first time all over again.

Oh, wow.

Something smells delicious.

What is that smell?

Egg salad.

No. I know that smell.

Whoa. What is that?

HELEN:
Oh, it's just
a food cart.

Everybody's trying to make
that poor woman feel welcome.

Move one cheek
off that stool

and we're headed
for court.

Joey, what are you doing
eating Helen's cooking?

There's food over there.

I am perfectly happy

with Helen's
delightful egg salad.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, thank God.

This time
it's only a shell.

BRIAN:
Hey, Antonio.
What's up?

Me. I'm up.

I'm making a new start.

No more lonely Saturday nights
lying in a dark room,

listening to the faucet
drip, drip, drip

and wondering what's the point
of going on.

Yeah? What are you
going to do?

I'm volunteering

at the su1c1de Hotline.

All right.

Party on!

It sounds like it's
right up your alley.

I hear you.

I mean, who knows more
about despair, misery

and human suffering than me?

I am so jazzed.

Hello. Excuse me...

Hey, man,

don't do it.

You don't even have
to tell me the story.

The misery is etched
in your face.

No. No, no, no.

Uh, I'm Antonio,
the new counselor.

Aw! Sorry!

For a minute there,
I thought I had a walk-in.

I'm Barry.

Welcome aboard.

Phone, chair, girly mags
in the left-hand drawer.

Good luck.

Thanks, thanks. You know,

it's really a great honor
to be able to help people

in their darkest hour.

Bottom left-hand drawer,
you said?

(clicks tongue)

su1c1de Hotline.

Yell-o.

Ah.

(phone rings)

Yell-o.

(ringing continues)

su1c1de Hotline.

(ringing continues)

Hello, hello, hello.
su1c1de Hotline.

This is Antonio speaking.

Please still be there.

I'm Elise, and I, um...

I just need someone to talk to.

Ah, ah. Uh, I can do that.

Tomorrow is another day,

so you turn that frown
upside down,

because when life gives
you lemons, you make lemonade.

You just put on a happy face.

Um, maybe I just need someone
to listen.

Oh. Okay, sure.
Sure, I can do that too.

Go ahead.

Don't... don't, don't be afraid
to open up, Elise.

Elise? Ah!

ELISE:
...and that's why
I'm so depressed.

Oh... wow, who wouldn't be?

That-that-that's some story.

(sniffling):
I just can't believe
Eric dumped me.

We were together
for four months.

I thought we were in love

(voice cracking):
But when I came home tonight,
he was gone!

Oh, that's rough.

Ah, maybe he was right to leave.

He always said
I wasn't very interesting.

He-he said that?

Oh, well, if you want
my opinion,

this Eric guy sounds
like a real creep, you know?

I think you're better off
without him.

Yeah, but it's not just Eric.

Guys always leave me.

I guess I'm just not
pretty enough or smart enough.

Now, don't, don't you
be so hard on yourself.

No. You know,

you're going to look back
on this someday, and...

Oh, what the hell am I saying?

I've been there.

You know, being dumped sucks.

It's like-like someone reached
in, ripped out your heart

and did a clog dance on it.

You just want to...

want to climb up to the top
of a bridge and just...

That was so the wrong thing
to say.

No! No, no, no. It wasn't.
I...

You really understand

how I feel.

I didn't think anyone would.

I-I felt so alone.

Oh, no, no, no.
You're not alone.

I'm... I'm here.

Thanks, Antonio.

(Elise sniffles)

You know,
you're really good at this.

Nah. Me? You think so?

Yeah, yeah. How long
have you been doing it?

Well, it's funny you should ask

because believe it or not,

tonight is my first time
on the hot line.

Joe, I've got
Black Forest ham...

I don't want...

Got creamy Jarlsberg,

with white wine Dijon,
all on a fresh baguette.

Come on.

You know you want it.

No, I don't.

Why would I want that when
Helen already made me...

something... brown?

Hello, boys.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh!

(Joe and Brian laugh wickedly)

Oh, I know that look!

There's only one thing
that can put a smile

like that
on a man's face!

What did you have
off the cart?

A delectable puff pastry,
but that's not why I'm smiling.

No, no. I had
an incredible night

at the su1c1de Hotline.

Is there any other kind?

Yeah. Did you get a call?

Ah, yes. In fact,
I not only got a call,

I got a date.

Hey, hey!
All right!

That's great, Antonio,
but you know what?

You, uh, you want to
be a little careful

'cause dating a co-worker
can be kind of dicey.

Oh, oh.
I wouldn't date a co-worker.

That...
that would be inappropriate.

I'm, I'm dating a caller.

Hold on, hold on.

Are you telling me

that a woman called you
at the su1c1de Hotline

and you asked her out?

Yeah. So?

Technically, isn't
that manslaughter?

Antonio, what's wrong
with you?

Did no bells go off?

Bells? No!
That's just for a jumper.

In my entire life,

I never thought I would hear
myself utter these words:

Antonio, you can do better.

Oh, really? Because yesterday

I was this close
to answering an ad:

"Mountain woman seeks mate."

Come on, Antonio.

No, no, no.
You didn't talk to Elise.

I'm telling you, there is
something special about her.

JOE: Okay, look.

All we're saying is that

you're asking for trouble
dating a woman like this.

Uh, Antonio, there's an
Elise here to see you.

Antonio?

Think there's any more
on the ledge like her?

(sighs)
Well, here we are.

Yeah. Here we are.

Listen, I'm sorry I spilled
that red wine on your dress.

Oh, that's okay.

And the chicken scaloppine.

I'm sure it'll come out.

And the raspberry sorbet.

You know, I never really liked
this dress anyway.
Yeah.

Take care.

Maybe we'll, uh... we'll
bump into each other one day.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

You don't want to see me again.

Well, I-I'm sorry that you
didn't have such a good time.

Wait. Wait, wait. You...

You think
I didn't have a good time?

It's okay. I mean,
I understand why.

I yakked all the way
through dinner.

You never even had
a chance to talk.

Why do I always do that?

No. I-I-I loved hearing
all your stories.

Oh.

Oh, so you
just don't find me attractive.

That's okay.

What...? What...?

What world is this?

No... no...

How can you possibly think that?

You... you're beautiful.

People haven't stared
at my date this much

since I took the big-face girl
to the planetarium.

Well, I... Antonio, I don't
know what you think, but, uh...

I haven't had
a lot of success with guys.

Yeah. Right.

And I report all my tips.

Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I've had boyfriends.

Uh, the rock star...

a C.E.O., uh, a hockey player...

I'm tired of rich,

handsome, powerful,
brilliant guys.

I like you.

Wow.

Maybe... maybe we do have
something in common.

I've only dated
washroom attendants

bag ladies and shut-ins.

Who knew, what I really needed
was a beautiful woman.

Maybe I just needed
a regular, average guy.

Well, i-i-if that's the guy
you want, you've found him.

I don't mean this to sound
like a come-on, but, baby,

I am the most run-of-the-mill
schmo you'll ever meet.

Hi, Fay.

Welcome
to Helen's Doo-Wop Diner.

So, what'll it be?

A Bee-Bop-A-Loo-La Burger?

Oh. Helen, face it.

Everyone knows
the Bee-Bop-A-Loo-La Burger

is the same as the Sumo Burger
you served Monday

when you were
Helen's Taste of Tokyo Café.

Oh, sure.
Go to the cart.

How do you know what's in
that fresh-cooked turkey?

At least with mine,
you can read the ingredients

right on the can.

Um, listen.

I didn't want to be
the one to tell you this,

but I don't want you
to hear it from
anyone else.

What?

Right now Joe is
in his office

with the shades drawn,
and he's with...

(gasps)
...a portebello
mushroom tart.

Oh, my God.

JOE:
Oh, baby, mmm,
mmm, that's good, oh.

Oh, yeah...

(gasps)

Joe!

Uh... Helen...

this is not
what it seems like.

Oh, how could you?

Um, look, it...

It was just this one time.

It's never happened
before, I swear.

I-I-I didn't even enjoy it.

How could you pay for something

that you could get
at home for free?

Helen, look,
I walk by it every day.

It's in my face.

I'm a man, Helen.

I have needs.

Well, I hope
your little tart was worth it.

Look...

Look, if it means
anything to you

I was thinking about your food
the whole time I was eating it.

You can just save it.

I may not have fresh eggs

and I may not
have fresh cheese

and I may not have fresh meat,
but I have my pride.

(knocking)

Oh, no.

Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Hey. What's going on?

I'm in hell.

What's the matter?

It's Elise.

She dumped you, huh?

No. She's crazy about me.

Wait a second.

I'm, I'm not quite grasping
the problem here--

seeing as Elise
is a gorgeous woman

and your last girlfriend

was Pencil Patty
who lived under the bridge.

Hey, hey, hey.

Patty and I had some laughs...

till... till she left me
for Oil Drum Dave.

I'm telling you,
I don't get this.

If Elise didn't dump you,
then why are you so miserable?

Because I know
the dumping is coming.

It's only a matter of time.

The woman's
at the lowest point of her life.

That's why I look good to her.

A dead-end job,

a crummy apartment--

sure, that's going
to turn her head.

The minute she gets
a shred of confidence,

she'll take
one look at me

and run screaming
into the night.

Now, come on.

You don't know that.

JOE:
You might be perfect
for each other.

Come on, let's face it.

She's completely
out of my league.

That is absolutely not true.

He's right.
That is not true.

So, we're all agreed
I'm going to get dumped.

Oh, the world spins,
doesn't it?

Look, why don't
just, you know,

enjoy it
while it lasts?

Think of your
relationship

like it's a
roller-coaster ride.

It's fast, it's fun,
and occasionally,

you get to be upside down.

Ah, I'm not a roller-coaster
kind of guy.

They... they scare you
and make you sick.

I like
the little putt-putt boats.

You know, the steering wheels

don't really control
those things.

Antonio, you
missed my point.

No, no, I got it.

I-I just... I just can't
enjoy this relationship

knowing it's going to end.

Well, hey, if it's
making you feel that bad

then go break up with her.

Are you insane?

I'm crazy about her.

She's a goddess.

She's everything
I want in a woman.

Brian, what do you think?

I think there's fresh dill
in this in this panini.

I just... I just can't
stand not knowing

when it's going to end.

You know, there must
be something I can do.

All right, then you
know what you should do?

Go over there and say,
"Excuse me.

"Can you please tell me

when we're going
to break up?"

That's it.
(snaps fingers)

Finally, an idea
I can wrap my mind around.

No, no, Antonio,
I was just kidding.

No, no, no, no,
it's perfect.

I'll find out exactly

when she's going
to cut me loose, see?

At least that way,
I'll know where I stand.

Believe me, the
last thing I need

is another scene
like the one

under the bridge
with Pencil Patty.

(feigning accent):
Here you go, amigo.

One Tijuana tuna melt.

Mmm! Mmm! Ohh! Mmm!

Muy bueno.

Okay, almost 5:00.

Cart lady should
be here any minute.

BRIAN:
Is she here yet?

Not yet.

I saved you
a place in line.

Hey, no cut-sies!

Ow, ow, ow!

FAY:
Oh, thank God,
she's here!

Wait a minute.

Where's
the cart?

I don't
see the cart.

I'm moving the cart to Boston.

No, no, no, you
can't do this to me.

You can't leave me.

I'm sorry, but I just can't
stay in business here.

I need more volume.

More volume? Okay.
I'll do my part.

I don't usually
snack between meals

but I can change!

I can eat more.

Oh, me, too.

You know where I stand.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I have to go.

BRIAN:
Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.

Just walk away!

Yeah, sure, let us starve,
why don't you?!

Now what are we
going to do for food?

Buenos dias, amigos.

(knocking)

(deep inhale)

Antonio, hi.

I-I wasn't
expecting you.

Don't worry.

This won't take long.

Listen, I... I
just need to know

exactly when I'm
getting dumped, okay?

Now, Fridays are good.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

And, Antonio,
I can't think right now.

My-my ex-boyfriend
is on his way over.

Okay. So today's the day.

(knocking)

Oh, my God, it's Eric.

Eric? You mean
the guy who dumped you?

(knocking)

Eric.

Elise.

My God, I didn't realize
how much I'd missed you.

Eric, really...

No, no, don't say anything.

I came to apologize.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, I don't know what
I was thinking, leaving you.

I guess all I can say is,
I felt so much for you,
it scared me.

Eric...
Not through.

Look, if you'd just
give me another chance,

I swear, I'll do everything
I can to make it up to you.

Eric, I don't
know what to say.

Okay, ride's over.

Lift the bar
and step out of the little boat.

No, Antonio.
Please stay.

Elise, please,
this is very personal.

Can't you ask the super
to come back another time?

Super! Ha! That's a dream
I gave up a long time ago.

Antonio
is not the super.

He and I have been dating.

You've been
dating this guy?

Elise, I am so, so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Eric...
Look, look, I know
we've had problems,

but we can work them out.

I want you to come
to New York with me.

I booked us
on the next flight.

I... I don't know.

Eric, when
you first left me,

I was pretty upset,

but these past few days,
I've been pretty happy.

With what?

With him? Please!

Look, you actually think
you have what it takes

to make her happy?

Well, maybe I do.

Oh, come on. I have
an apartment on Fifth Avenue

with a Picasso
over the fireplace.

Oh, really? I got
a tiny studio apartment

with a Norman Rockwell
place mat

I stole from a diner.

I have enough money
in my pocket right now

to take her to Europe
for a month.

I could work 30 years
and never get her to Epcot.

I took her to Kauai
for a week,

and we never
left the bedroom.

I got the best eight
minutes in the game, pal,

and I'm always done
in time for Leno.

Stumped, huh?

No. Lost.

What the hell
did we just do?

Elise, come on.

Let's go.

Elise, let's go.

Elise.

No.

ERIC:
Don't be ridiculous.

Our flight leaves
in half an hour.

And I said no!
You're not listening.

That's the problem,
Eric.

You never listen to me.

Okay, okay, you're a little
emotional right now.

You need some time
to think about this.

So I'll give you
to the count of three.

One...

two...

three.

Okay...

six.

Four... five...

Oh, come on!
I can't accept this.

I can't lose out
to this guy!

You're not
losing out to him.

This is not about him.
This is about me.

Good-bye, Eric.

All right.
All right.

Ten.

One...

two...

three...

four...

(giggles)

I can't believe I just did that.

I never thought

I would have had
the courage to do that.
That's wonderful.

I'm happy for you.

You know,
for the first time,

in a long time,
I feel really good about myself.

I mean, like I've got
my old confidence back.

Your confidence, huh?

It's back.

Yeah, well, that brings us
to my original point.

Uh... let's see. Uh...

Now, Monday I'm going
to the dentist,

so I'll be
in pain anyway.

What are you doing?

Planning the future.

Well, how about

we just take it
one step at a time?

Hey, we still got
15 minutes till Leno.

15 minutes, huh?

Hey, I'm up
for a marathon.