08x11 - All About Christmas Eve

[bunniefuu]

Deck the halls
with boughs of holly

Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la...

Roy...

since when do you have

so much Christmas spirit?

Since Susan Connor's husband
dropped dead two weeks ago.

I took his place

in the caroling group.

By midnight, this
little drummer boy

will be
parum-pum-pum-pumming.

Hitting on a recent widow?

What about mourning?

Stay over?

Ah, nah, wouldn't be right.

She just planted her husband.

So, what are your
Christmas Eve plans, Scarpacci?

The usual, huh? A little
beefaroni on a hot plate

and then cry yourself to sleep
in front of the space heater?

That's all right
when you're single,

but this year,
I've got a girlfriend.

You mean that thing with Elise
is still happening?

Oh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe, either.

Imagine, a woman like that

still going out
with a guy like me.

It doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense.

And yet it's happening.

In fact, I just dropped off
my last fare.

Now I'm going to go home,
take a little shave,

wash my hair,
take another shave,

pack an overnight bag,

throw in a couple of razors,

and I'm off to see Elise.

Oh, Sister Mary, you left
your rosary on the plane.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, by the way, do you know
where I can get a cab?

Uh, yeah.

Um, that man
right over there.

Excuse me,
I need a cab.

Oh, look, I'd love to
help you out, but, uh,

I'm off duty.

Oh, isn't there any way

you could make
an exception?

Somebody's
waiting for me.

It's really important.

Oh, guess I'm not the only
one with a hot date.

Okay, doll face,
let's go.

Hey, Casey.
Hi.

How's it going at the
department store?

Boy, am I glad to have a job
for the holidays.

Working is really doing wonders
for my self-esteem.

I must say, I'm proud of myself.

You should be.

Do you have any idea
how many high school kids

you b*at out
for that elf job?

Oh, by the way,
this came for you.

Oh, great! I was
getting worried.

It's Joe's Christmas present.

Mail order? I thought
you loved holiday shopping.

Oh, I do, but the last
few Christmases

have been so depressing.

I've just given up
on the whole holiday.

I told Joe I don't want
to decorate the house;

I don't even want
to get a tree.

We're just gonna stay home,

watch TV, and go to bed early.

So, what'd you get him?

Something he's been
hinting at for months.

I can't wait to
see him in it.

Boy, you are one
understanding wife.

No, they made a mistake.

I ordered him a beautiful
leather flight jacket.

sh**t. What am I
going to do now?

It's too late
to get him anything else.

We've got some beautiful flight
jackets down at the store.

Plus, I get a 25%
employee discount.

You know, why don't I
just put one aside

for you in the storeroom,
then you can come down

right before they close
and pick it up.

Perfect, perfect.

Thank you, Casey.

So, what are you going
to do with this?

Well, I didn't get
Brian anything...

Hey, I really appreciate
your taking one more fare.

Ah, no problem.

You said it was
important.
Mm.

So, who's the lucky guy?

Actually, there isn't one.

I don't have a date.

Oh, that's a shame.

Good-looking chick
like you.

Tell you what.

Why don't I drop
you off at Hickey's?

It's... it's the hottest
singles bar on the island.

Huh, what do you say?

Any interest?

Sorry. Nun.

Oh, come on.

You slap on a little lip gloss,
you're not going home alone.

I'm a nun.

Sister Mary McKenna.

Little Sisters of Hope.

That's the one that's going
to take me down.

Listen, uh, wherever you want
to go, uh, it's on the house.

I-I'm not charging you
for the ride.

Works for me.

This nun job isn't
the financial bonanza

I thought it would be.

Oh, okay, here we are.

The west...
west end of town.

Uh, what's the address
we're looking for?

I don't know.

You have it written down
somewhere?

No. Actually,
I had a dream.

Well, more of
a vision, really.

Uh-huh.

I dreamt that there's
someone on this island

that needs to be saved.

That's why I've come.

Uh, let me get
this straight.

Uh, what you're saying is

that you came here
to save someone

but you have absolutely no idea
who they are,

where they are,
or how to get there.

Exactly!

And I thought this was gonna
be hard to explain.

(sighs)

Listen, I hope
you don't have any regrets

about taking me.

None.

Hey, Brian,
we caught a break.

I just got off the phone
with Helen.

She's gonna be late.

So, we're gonna
have plenty of time

to finish up everything
before she gets here.

Oh, this is gonna be
the Christmas

that she always wanted.

I cannot wait to see her face
when she comes in that door.

She's gonna be so surprised.

You know something?

Spending Christmas Eve
as a family has...

has really put me
in the holiday spirit.

Hey, I'm glad.

Hmm.

(phone rings)

Hello? Yolanda?

Yeah, I'll be there, hour,
hour and a half, tops.

Well, I'm dying to see you, too,

but I don't think
I can get out any sooner...

You'll do what?

Okay, I can be there
20-25 minutes, tops.

What's that?

We're going to
trim the tree.

No good!

Isn't that the type of thing
you want to do with Helen?

No, I want to do it
for Helen.

That's the whole
point of the surprise.

Why are we standing
around here?

Let's move, move, move!
Come on!

Where the hell's that tinsel?

Hey, Brian!

Remember Christmas Teddy?

Oh, this was our favorite
ornament when we were kids.

Oh, God!

This thing must be 30 years old.

(clattering)

(gasping)

(voice quavering):
Christmas Teddy!

(doorbell chimes)

Christmas Teddy!

Christma...

Christmas Teddy.

Christmas Teddy.

No, Hanukkah Lou.

Lou, what are you doing here?

Nice to see you, too.

Shouldn't you be at the home?

Oh, Christmas Eve at the home.

What a festive day.

We string lights
to everyone's wheelchair

and the Korean kid
pushes us down the hall.

Look, Lou, I'd love
to invite you in, but...

I understand, I understand.

Well, gee, come on in, Lou.

I didn't come empty-handed.

You like fruitcake?
No.

This is fruitcake.

"Merry Christmas, Lou.

From the Morning Pill Lady."

Joe, you got more tins...

Ahh!

What the heck's Yoda doing here?

Lou's just here
for a short visit.

Very short.

Sure, sure, sure.
Real short.

Listen, are you going
to offer me something?

(sighing):
Uh, offer you something?
Like what?

Well, it's the holidays.

I-I feel like something...

rich.

You got any clear broth?

Oh, I like this.

Oh, I want this.

Oh...

Oh, and I need
three of these.

Oh...
Three of these.

Oh, and I must have
this cat clock.

Fay, just 'cause
Casey gets a discount

doesn't mean you have
to buy everything in sight.
(door opens)

You know, after spending
the whole day

surrounded by little children
visiting Santa,

I just have to say one thing:

I'm having my tubes tied.

Come on, guys, we're locking up.

No, no, no! Time!
I need more time!

You have everything
you need.

Besides, it's kind
of creepy down here,

and they're closing
the store. Let's go.

Let's go.

Oh, wait,
this is strange.

Here, let me try.

It's locked.

What?!
(knocking)

Hello?

Hello?!

Oh, no!

They must have
closed the store.

Everyone's gone home.

Are we locked in?

Well, you know,
only till the store

opens again...
on Thursday!

We got to get
out of here.

We got to get out of here.

CAROLERS:
'Tis the season
to be jolly...

Listen.

Fa-la-la-la-la...

Carolers!
Oh!

ALL THREE:
Hey! Hey!

(Fay, Helen and Casey screaming)

Oh, my God,
it's Roy!
It's Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!!

I can't get his attention.

Here! Help me!

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Strike the harp
and join the chorus...

Roy!

Roy! Roy!

Follow me in
merry measure...

HELEN (screams):
Help!

SUSAN:
Hey, whose hand
was that?

ROY:
Ow! Hey! I'm just
trying to comfort a widow.

No!
HELEN: Roy!

Ohh!

Don't leave us!
Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Roy!

Brian.

Brian, Brian,
Brian, Brian!

You're just throwing
that tinsel on without thinking.

Hey, hello.

There's a human being
sitting out here.

Yeah, well, we could
debate that all night.

What do you want, Lou?

I just want you to know

I'm finished with my Wheat Thin.

(doorbell chimes)

Who are you?

Nice greeting.

You make a person
feel warm and toasty.

I came here
to pick up Lou.

I'm his brother.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

No, no, no, no.
You don't do that in here.

You go outside with that.

Harry?

Lou?

I've nothing to say to you.

Lou, we haven't seen
each other for 30 years.

It's time we talked.

Okay, I'll go first.

You screwed me.

I didn't screw you.

You screwed me blue.

30 years, reunited.

Isn't that
a beautiful thing?

Okay, here we go, double time,
out the door.

I'm not going
anywheres with him.

Well, I'm not leaving here
until we've had this out.

No, no, no, you-you
cannot do this in here.

We are about to sit down
to a nice family dinner.

Hey, Joey,
the turkey's all...

Oh, my God, they're multiplying.

Okay.

Let's... recap.

Now... you say someone
on this island needs saving.

Now, this person...

Or persons.

Right, right.

They're on this island,

but they're not
on the West End,

they're not on
the East End,

they're not on
the South End,

and unless
they're an otter,

they're not on
the North End.

Well, let's see.

In my dream,
there was a lighthouse...

Oh, yeah?

And a harbor...

Yes?

And what appeared to be
a large, angry cantaloupe.

(sighs):
Okay.

That's it, that's it.

Show's over.

You know what?

I don't believe
you had a dream.

I don't believe there's someone
you have to save.

I don't even believe
you're a nun.

Antonio, I am a nun.

Okay, then, pop quiz.

Number of days
Jesus spent in the desert?

Forty.

Okay, that was a gimme.

Try this:

Who was the lying apostle?
Judas.

The doubting apostle?
Thomas.

The cute apostle?
Paul.

Listen--

I could play
"Stump The Nun" all night,

but, clearly, I'm taking
advantage of your good nature,

so why don't I
just get out here?

No, no, no, no.

No way am I going
to drop off a nun

alone on the docks
on a Christmas Eve.

You don't come back
from Karma like that.

Ugh!

I was supposed to be
at my girlfriend's

ten minutes ago.

I-I got to find a phone.

Here. Use mine.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

A nun with a cellular phone?!

Beheaded by Salome...

John the Baptist.

Call your
girlfriend, Antonio.

Ohh.

Oh, my stomach's
on fire.

What the hell
did you serve me?

A low-sodium Saltine.

Same old Harry.

Still a pain
in the rump.

Why can't you be more like me?

Brian, what are
we gonna do?

Helen is gonna be
here any minute.

We have got to
get them to leave.

All right, all right.

Um, I got an idea.

Why don't I go?

And?

And... maybe they'll
follow me out shortly...

thereafter.

You know, I am starting
to get the feeling

that you don't
want to be here.

Where's your
Christmas spirit, Brian?

Now help me throw
these old goats out
in the street!

So, what's the story
on these two?

What do you mean, what's
the story? They live here.

They live here?

What are they?

A little funny?

No. If they were really funny,

we'd be eating like kings.

JOE:
Listen, you guys,

(sighs)
whatever happened
30 years ago,

let it go.

It couldn't have been that bad.

You really want to know
what happened?
No.

I'll tell you
what happened.

30 years ago, we opened up
a delicatessen--

Lou and Harry's Delicatessen--
it was in New York.

It was in New York.

Didn't I just say
it was in New York?

Would you just
tell me what happened?

30 years ago, we opened up
a delicatessen...

Lou and Harry's
Delicatessen.

Lou and Harry's
Delicatessen...

Ay!

HELEN:
You sure you're
all right, Fay?

Well, I haven't
done this in a while,

but it's like
riding a bike.

It all comes
back to you.

HELEN:
Oh, gosh. (grunts)

CASEY:
Yeah, well, I'm not all right.

I'm afraid of heights
and Fay won't stand still!

Well, your little pointy elf
shoes are digging into my ear!

We're almost there.

Just one more...

(groans)

Just... one... more.

(screams)

Okay, new plan.

Whatever made me think
a beautiful woman like Elise

would sit around
on a Christmas Eve
waiting for me?

Antonio...

it sounds to me
like you need a little faith.

Oh, I have faith--
I have faith

that I'm going to spend
every Christmas of my life alone

with a can of beefaroni.

First of all,
I'm concerned about your diet.

And second of all,
I'm seeing a pattern here.

You don't believe I'm a nun.

You don't believe
in your girlfriend.

You don't believe
in much of anything.

(snorts)

There's not much to
believe in, is there?

I mean, look at you--

running around in
the middle of the night,

following
some wacko dream.

Faith?

I don't think so.

Antonio...

pull over.

I'm here.

Really?

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah.

Antonio...

I've only known you
for six-and-a-half hours,

but in that short time,

I've seen that you are
a kind and generous man.

If you don't believe
in anything else,

at least have faith in yourself.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay.

Don't forget
your phone, Sister.

(ringing)

Hello.

It's for you.

Hello.

Elise. Finally.

Merry Christmas, Antonio.

Okay...

this time, it's
going to work.

Swing me, Casey.

(grunting)

All right,
do it again.

(grunting)

Fay, let go
of the rope!

Oh, you did it!
You did it! Wow!

HELEN: Okay, all
I have to do

is just pull up
and open the window.

Okay...

I'm pulling...

I'm pulling...

Nope. I'm wrong.

Okay, third
time's a charm.

Fay, strap on
the helmet.

(knocking)

CASEY: Look up there!
FAY: Oh, my gosh!

HELEN: We're saved!
We're saved! We're saved!

And that brings us
to the year 1964

in which we introduced
the pocket knish.

We did very well.

We did very well.

We did okay.

Please, I beg you--

get to the part
where something happens.

What, I'm, I'm not
entertaining you?

Oh, no, it's...
it's fascinating.

Tell us again about the
great coleslaw scare of '62.

You, I hate.

Just... just tell me

why you two haven't
spoken in 30 years.

All right.

In 1965, he bought
he out for bupkes

and two months
later, he sold it.

So?

He sold it
for a fortune.

He knew he was
getting an offer,

and that's why
he bought me out.

For 30 years, I've been
telling you, I didn't know.

You knew.
I didn't know.

You knew.

And don't think
because I'm talking to you now,

that I'm talking to you now.

Lou, I'm trying
to make it right.

Nothing you say
can make it right.

Lou...

here's a check
for your half of the sale.

All right, then.

Good. Good.

Now that's settled.

Now, if you don't
mind, we are gonna

try to have our
family Christmas.

(phone ringing)

Harry,
that's for me.

Hello.

BRIAN:
Harry...
Yolanda?

Calling a guy for a date?

You must be a real beast.

BRIAN:
No, no, no,
wait, wait.

No, no, no! What are you doing?
Harry!

Hello? Hel...?

So that's it? That's why

you've been
rushing around all night?

It's Christmas Eve.

You're going to bail
to meet some girl?

Joey...

Yolanda is not
just some girl.

She's French.

She's a circus performer.

She can pull a quarter
out of her ear with her toes.

We've been planning
this dinner for two weeks.

I didn't know she was
gonna show up in town.

You knew.
I didn't know.

You knew!
I didn't know!

You knew.
I didn't know.

(doorbell chimes)
Don't you move.

(wheezing)

(wheezing)

Hey, Hackett.

Merry Christmas.

What happened
to you?

Oh, nothing, really.

It was just
a little incident

involving a pack
of wild carolers.

Do you think I could stay here
for a couple hours or days

until this thing
blows over?

No, no. There's no way, Roy.

We're about to have
a family dinner.
Thank you, thank you.

You're a lifesaver.
No, Roy...

My fault?

How was this
my fault?

Because you
should have known

what time the store
was going to close!

Oh, yeah? Well, I am an elf,
not a night watchman!

Hey, Fay, what are
you doing here?

Ca-Casey,
where is Helen?

Hey, Hackett, you got
a turkey burning in here.

Oh, great.

Now what are we going
to do for food?

Now what are we
going to do for food?

All right.

That's it.

That is it!

As far as I'm concerned,

you can all go!

Or you can all stay.

(stammering):
I-I really don't care.

All I was trying to do

was make a beautiful
Christmas for Helen.

And now, thanks to all
of you, it's too late.

So just forget it.

Joe...

the house...

it's beautiful.

Did you do this?

Do you like it?

I love it.

Oh, and you didn't
forget anything.

The tree...

and the lights...

and the two old guys
sitting on the couch.

Well, uh, they were sort
of a last-minute touch.

CAROLERS:
Merry Christmas to you,
wherever you are

Good tidings for Christmas
FAY: Oh, listen--

And a happy New Year
carolers.

We wish you
a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry
Christmas

We wish you
a merry Christmas...

Aw, you know this is
the first time all night

it's really felt like Christmas.

CAROLER:
Hey, look!
There's Biggins' car!

He must be
around here somewhere!