08x15 - Fay There, Georgy Girl

[bunniefuu]

Okay, let's see.

Worst Valentine's Day ever--

1976-- wife just dumped me

dinner with Mom
at the home,

bad Swedish meatball,

rushed to the emergency room,

orderly stole my wallet--
b*at that.

Please.

You forget
who you're talking to.

Okay, um...

(knuckles cr*ck)

By myself, natch.

Bawling my eyes out-- a given.

Shivering in the bushes
outside of the house

of the only woman I ever loved,

watching her being proposed to
by another man

while a raccoon relieves himself
on my shoe.

(hisses)

I should have known better.

So what are you
planning this year?

That is what
I'm planning this year.

Excuse me, Roy.

I know this is last minute

but do you have
any valentine plans?

Oh, wow.

That blows me
right out of the water.

Ah, Cochran, Cochran.

I'm flattered,
but we've been

working together a long time.

If it was going to happen,
it would have happened.

Oh, no, no, Roy.

There's a flea market
in hangar four.

I want you to help me
sell all the old stuff

that belonged
to my three late husbands.

That's a nice cover,
Cochran, but forget it.

However, feel free to get
your jollies as I walk away.

What about you, Antonio?

You interested?

You're finally getting rid
of all of your husband's things?

Well, it's just sitting there

in my spare bedroom
collecting dust.

Somebody might as well
get some use out of it

And if I can turn
a fast buck, who gets hurt?

Uh, I don't know, Fay.

Something doesn't feel
right about this.

I don't know what it is.

I'll give you ten percent
of the take.

That's what it is.

BRIAN:
Ooh, hey.

A dozen red roses--

very nice.

Who are you going
to give them to?

No, I'm not giving.

I'm receiving.

It seems I have
a secret admirer.

(chuckles)

Who?

Well, if I knew,
it wouldn't be a secret.

Oh, I get it--

a self-send, huh?

I... I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Come on, Casey.

It's almost Valentine's Day.

I haven't seen a man
within a hundred yards of you

for a year
and suddenly you get roses?

Come on. Admit it--

you popped for the posies,
didn't you?

Well, it fooled Roy.

Besides, who are you
to judge me?

You're alone, too.

At least I don't parade
my Valentine's misery

in front of others.

I have the self-respect

to hide in my room,

weeping in my torn underwear,

eating can after can
of Dinty Moore beef stew.

Why is it so hard
for us to meet people?

I don't know--
because we're single.

People usually find you
more attractive

if they know
you're with somebody.

Wait a minute.

Brian, how would you like

to have Valentine's
dinner with me?

Look, Casey, uh...

I haven't had
a lot of sex myself

and if you're going to be
my only option

then I'd rather do a self-send.

First of all...

don't you get it?

Okay, us being seen together
in public

will create the illusion
that we're desirable.

That's not bad.

So, in other words, we wouldn't
actually be together,

we'd just be using each other
as bait.

Exactly.

What do you think?

Eh... what the hell?

If things don't work out,
I've always got sterno

and a six-pack of stew
waiting for me at home.

You're on.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

So what do you
have planned for us

for Valentine's Day?

I thought we'd eat dinner
at home

and maybe watch a little TV.

Well, how is that different
from any other night?

All right, I'll throw in
a piece of chocolate.

What? Come on, you said
you didn't want to do

anything special
for Valentine's Day.

And you didn't know
what that meant?

Oh, no.

We're not into one of those.

I said I didn't want to do
anything for Valentine's Day,

that meant that you were
supposed to surprise me

and do something special.

Hold on, hold on--
for New Year's Eve, you said

you didn't want to do
anything special.
That's right. I did.

And we didn't do anything
special.
No, we didn't.

And you were happy.
I was thrilled.

But now you say you don't
want to do anything special;

we're not doing anything special
and you're not happy.

Exactly.

See, New Year's Eve
is an "everybody" holiday.

Valentine's Day
is an "us" holiday.

Did you hear the part
about the chocolate?

(sighs)

Forget it, Joe.

Whatever you want
to do is fine.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

It means dinner, Seinfeld,
and a Chunky bar.

Come on, Helen.

Everybody knows that guys
don't make as big a deal

out of Valentine's Day
as girls do.

Excuse me.

I understand you
all fly charters.

Uh, yes, we do.

Great.

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day
and I need you to fly

over the diner
where my girlfriend works

with a banner that reads:

"Nancy, I love you.
Will you marry me?"

Did you hear that, Joe?

Now, here is a guy

that knows what
romance is all about.

It's 250 for the flight,
another 75 for the banner

cash up-front.

We got to be back by 6:00
to go out to dinner.

This one wants a surprise.

Oh, I can't believe
how you cleaned up

at that flea market.

Oh, I know!

If I knew what a gold
mine I was sitting on

I would have unloaded
the Georges' junk years ago.

ROY:
Hey.

Cochran, I don't know
whatever possessed you

to part with a treasure
like this.

Well, if you must know,
I backed into it last week

and I don't intend
to make that mistake twice.

Uh, by the way,

what exactly are you
going to do with it?

It's a Valentine's gift for mom.

It's just the thing
to complete her trophy wall.

True, she didn't hit it
with the Chrysler,

like all those other animals,

but I'll just

slap some skidmarks on it.

She'll never know
the difference.

(faint scratch)

Quite a bundle
you got there, Fay.

(gasping)

Who's there?

George.

Is that you?

George, what are
you doing here?

I'm your husband.

Where else should I be?

In the ground,
where I put you

in 1959.

What do you want?

At the moment, an ashtray.

Where's the one I got
when we went to Niagara Falls?

Oh, no.

This can't be happening.

This is all
in my imagination.

Fay, dear,
have you seen my tweed hat?

George!

Not you, too?!

Who's this bozo?

I happen to be her
second husband, George.

Oh, that's it.

No more bacon
cheeseburgers after 10:00.

Now, I need a glass of water.

When I come back,
you're both going to be gone.

Faysie!

Oh, George!

Who's Disco Duck?

Thank God I d*ed before
that came into fashion.

Anyway, what do you
want from me?

What are you doing here?

I think you know
why we're here, Fay.

No, I don't.

You shouldn't have
done it, Fay.

Done what?

Shouldn't have sold our stuff.

You hurt us.

Don't we mean
anything to you?

Oh, of course you do.

You three mean
the world to me.

I would never do
anything to hurt you.

Well, there's only one way
you can prove it.

How?

Get our stuff back.

That's impossible.

It would take forever.

Hey, we're dead.

We've got forever.

Brian, I've been
looking for you.

So, have you given

any thought
to our Valentine's date?

As a matter of fact, I have.

I thought we might start out

with a couple of burgers from
the club car, followed by...

nothing.

The club car?

The whole point of
this little charade

is that we go
to the kind

of a place where
we'll meet somebody

we'd actually want to be with.

That's why we're not going
to the club car,

we're going to Lexington's
and you are wearing a suit.

All right, okay, all right.

I'll give you
Lexington's, okay?

But I'm wearing
a sports coat and jeans

and you're paying.

Okay on the wardrobe,
but we go dutch

and you pick up parking.

And for once in your life,

could you try
and just show a little class?

Oh, sure. Okay, fine.

This from the woman
who, just last week,

was waving in the tuna boats
with her hankie.

Hey, some of those fishermen
make a very good living.

Antonio, I need your help.

All that stuff
I sold yesterday?

We've got to track it down
and get it back.

Get it back? Why?

Why? Never mind why.

We just have to
get it back

starting with
what you bought.

Oh, okay.

You can have the foot powders
and the bath salts

but you're not getting
your hands on those ointments.

The itching finally stopped.

Fine. Fine. Keep it.

Just help me get
the rest of the stuff.

I'll pay you 50 bucks.

All right, I'm in.

But how are we even going
to find all this stuff?

I already posted flyers
all over town

and put an ad
in the newspaper.

Here's a list
of all the buyers

whose names
I could remember.

Roy, I'll need
the marlin back.

Oh, forget it, Cochran.

Mom loves that fish.

It would break her heart
to part with it.

I'll give you

a hundred bucks.

Deal. But I am not
going to pry it

out of her bony little hands.
Uh-uh.

Okay, Antonio,
that's your first stop.

Hey, uh, little tip, Scarpacci:

Try not to confuse the marlin
with Mom's roommate.

They're both blue and scaly,
but the fish occasionally moves.

Okay, Mr. Greaney, we flew
that banner over
the diner three times.

Any more, it'll
run you extra.

I don't care about costs.

I want to see that look
on my Nancy's face.

I bet she's looking up
at the banner right now.

"Will you marry me?"

Her heart must be racing.

I know mine would.

I'd just die

if anybody did something
this romantic for me.

Well, let's just hope

she's made of stronger
stuff than you are.

He's not like us.

He's not
a Valentine's person.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I was going to save this
for the right time, but...

here's your Chunky.

I can't take this.

This waiting is k*lling me.

I want to hear her answer, too.

Joe, let's call her.

Here-Here-Here's her,
uh, number.

You're kidding me--

Oh... all right.

Logan, this is
Nevada 1-2-1 Papa Papa.

I need you to make
a call for me

and patch it through
to the plane. Over.

Now don't you worry, Russell,
in a few minutes,

you two are gonna be planning
your wedding.

You know,
I've got it all planned.

We'll say our vows on a cliff
overlooking the ocean at sunset

and when we kiss, they'll
release a hundred white doves.

A hundred white doves...

that's the most beautiful thing.

Did you hear that, Joe?

Do you think you'd ever do
something that romantic for me?

Doves? You want doves?

You finish that Chunky first,
then we'll talk doves.

MAN (over radio):
Nevada 1-2-1 Papa Papa,
this is Logan.

I've got your call.
Go ahead.

There's the lucky girl.

NANCY:
Hello?

Yeah, uh, Nancy, darling,
did you look outside?

What?

Up in the sky!
The banner, the banner!

Sorry.

Banner?
Hang on a second.

"Nancy, will you marry me?"

Oh, my God!

Well, so, uh... what do
you say, sweetheart?

Will you be mine?

Who the hell is this?

It's Russell, you silly.

Who?

Russell. Greaney...

You know, from the diner?

Oh, God! The-The creepy guy
who sits in the corner all day,

staring at me?

Yes!

Well, so what do you say,
muffin?

Listen, freak-boy,
I'm warning you--

stop bothering me.

If you ever come near me again,
I'll call the cops.

Well... clearly nobody
explained to her

just how romantic
that was.

Wow... you got that
away from Mom.

How the hell did you do that?

It was easy.

I just reasoned with her...

and when that didn't work,
I cut off her oxygen.

Mom must be slowing down.

It used to take that
and a headlock.

Okay, here's your
stinking fish.

Okay... all right,
that makes eight items back.

Only 103 to go.

(sighing)

Fay, what-what's going on?

Why is it so important
you get all this stuff back?

All right, I'll tell you.

Ever since I sold
my husband's stuff,

I can't stop thinking
about them.

Oh, that's... that's
understandable.

I'm racked with guilt.

It's just eating me up
that I sold all their things.

It's perfectly normal.

Yes, and then last night,

they came into my bedroom

and said they wanted
everything back.

You are one buggy broad.

How... How
could this happen?

How... How could she say no?

Nancy...!

I'll bet that Chunky's looking
pretty good right about now,

huh, Helen?

She rejected me!

Well, now, technically,
she didn't reject you

because, technically,
she doesn't even know you.

Yeah, but that's what makes it
so romantic.

Isn't it, Helen?

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it romantic?

No, no,
it's hopeless.

I mean, Nancy is
the best thing

that ever
happened to me.

Um, listen, Russell.

Nancy's not the only girl
out there.

There are plenty
of other women

in the world who would...

well, there's plenty
of other women in the world.

That's all I know.

I-I don't understand. Now...

am I doing something wrong?

Oh, wow.

Well, nothing that I
could see, big guy.

I think we could
all take a page

from your book.

Uh, listen, Russell.

It's just that with your
relationships with women

you seem to be
missing a step

like, um...

well, meeting them.

So, next time
you see someone

that you're
interested in,

try... I don't know...

talking to her first.

You mean like I'm
talking to you now.

Yes, exactly.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

Boy, you're just not getting
this, are you, Russ?

But I talked to you,
just like you said.

I felt the magic.

Don't tell me you
didn't feel it, too.

All right, Russell, that's it.

Look...

you seem like a pretty nice guy,

and obviously, you're
quite taken with Helen

but she is my wife.

So before this goes any further,
I just want to say...

I'm stepping aside

so you two crazy kids
can get married.

RUSSELL:
Aw...

Darling.

Excuse me.

Are you the one
who put up the flyer

looking for the tweed hat?

Oh, my God!

There it is.

George's hat!

I thought I'd never
see it again.

Um, how much do you
want for it?

Um...

$2,700.

Do you take terms?

Relax, I'm just teasing.

Boy, you must really want
this hat.

Yes, I do.
It's very important to me.

It's yours, for nothing.

Oh, thank you.

That's very sweet.

Uh, say,

I don't recall
your buying this

at the flea market.

I think I would've
remembered you.

My granddaughter
bought it for me
for my birthday.

She saw it and thought her
old grandpa would love it.

Oh.

Oh, I feel terrible
taking it from you.

It's not so much the hat.

It's the moment
she gave it to me

that I'll always treasure.

You know something?

I want you to keep it.

Fay, what are
you doing?

Well, thank you
very much.

Be quiet. Leave me alone.

All right. I'll just
take my hat and go.

Oh, no, no, no, not you.

Then, um...
who?

Fay, while you're screwing
around with this joker,

my Sing Along
with Mitch albums

are out there somewhere.

Yeah, and what
about my hat?

Yeah, and my
"Members Only" jacket?

People said I looked like
Joey Bishop in it.

We have to talk.

All right.

No, not you.

I have to be alone with my...

thoughts.

Come on.

Oh, uh... not me.

All right, you three.

Now, listen to me.

I've had enough of this.

I'm not getting
any more

of your stuff back,
and that's that.

I'm tired of feeling

guilty about this.

I didn't do anything wrong.

No, you just sold off everything
that reminded you of us

as if we didn't even matter.

I'm not buying into that
anymore.

Look...

I don't need stuff
to remind me of you.

George, do you really think
I need an ashtray

to remember our wonderful,
romantic bungalow

in Niagara Falls?

George, just because I don't
have an old hat anymore

doesn't mean
I wouldn't cherish

all those
wonderful nights

we spent in front
of the fireplace.

George.

I don't need a big, old
smelly fish to...

Well, I just don't need
a big old smelly fish.

But I'll always love you.

I'll always love all of you.

But I can't live
in the past.

I have to move on.

Please, let me go.

Please try to unders...

Oh, you're still here.

You are talking to me now,
right?

Yes.

Um, I'm sorry.

I must've seemed
crazy to you.

See, the stuff
that I sold

all belonged
to my late husbands

and I was having a little...
trouble letting it go.

I understand.

You know, the hat
looks nice--

very distinguished.

Oh, thank you.

I was wondering...

I know it's Valentine's Day,
and you probably have plans...

Well, actually,
I'm free now.

Would you like to have
a cup of coffee with me?

I'd love to.

Oh.

That's what you're wearing?

What? You agreed to this.

Well, I did my hair,
I bought new shoes.

What did you do?

Deodorant?

Thought about shaving.

That will not cut it.

You'll have to change.

Better women than you
have told me that

and here I am.

Yeah, well, this is hopeless.

The only thing
I'm going to attract

with you around is pity.

All right. Suit yourself.

Oh, uh...

the tuna boat
should be rolling in

in about a half an hour.

Better get out your hanky.

Very funny.

Look, Joe, Helen,

I'm sorry if I caused you
any trouble.

I think I'm better now.

Well, we're glad
to hear that, Russell.

And you're clear that I
am not leaving Joe for you

ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever?

Yeah, uh... pretty clear, yeah.

That's close enough
there, Russell.

Listen, next time
your marriage plans

require air travel,

save your money
on the ticket.

Try a self-send.

Uh... excuse me?

Yes?

Um...

I've never done anything
like this before, but...

when, when our eyes met,
I got to tell you

my heart just...

well, it started to race.

Really?

Uh... would you...

Yes.

Here.
Oh.

At last.

A man who understands
Valentine's Day.