08x17 - House of Blues

[bunniefuu]

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing?

Making a photo album of
our first year together.

Look. Here's you and me
and Brian and Casey

on our wedding day.

And here's you and me
and Brian and Casey

just after
the honeymoon.

And here's you
and Brian and Casey

carrying me over
the threshold.

What are
you doing?

That's it.

I am not going
through another year

without a picture
of us alone.

Good.

Okay, you ready?

Here we go.
(camera beeping)

Smile.

Oh, hey, look,
they're taking a picture!

Come on.
Hey!

No, wait.
Here we go.

We're just getting
this one...

No! No! No!

Roy.

Hmm?

Have you tried
cyber-dating yet?

I'm thinking of answering
this ad.

"Six foot, two,
athletic doctor

seeks loving,
affectionate mate."

Let me translate that
for you, Cochran.

"Six foot, two..."

That means five foot,
five in lifts.

"Athletic doctor..."

Flabby shut-in.

"Seeks loving,
affectionate mate..."

Big-time horn dog.

Roy, you are so cynical.

There are honest people
left in the world.

"Dear Dr. Gorgeous...
(typing)

"I-I-I'm a buff Uma Thurman
look-alike...

and I'm ready for my checkup."

Would you forget
about it, Brian?

We can't afford it.

But it was the
perfect house--

three bedrooms,
fireplace, a deck.

Yeah, way too much money.
Let it go.

I can't let it go--
Joe and Helen

want us out of the house
by Monday,

but there's no other
decent rental on the island.

Would you stop exaggerating?

What was wrong with that
cute cottage on Meadow Lane?

Nothing. Except
we'd have to take care

of the 500-pound woman
in the back bedroom.

You're right.
That other house is perfect.

I mean, flower boxes
and a porch swing.

A built-in vanity
with a day-night dimmer.

Oh, well. You're just
a big girl, aren't you?

Hey, everybody.

It sure is a great
day, isn't it?

Yeah. What's so
great about it?

Oh, well, the sky is blue,
the birds are a-singin',

I'm having sex
like a jackrabbit.

(whistles)
Wow.

What's that
setting you back?

No. No. With my
girlfriend Elise.

Elise? Is that still going on?

It sure is, baby.

You are kidding.

I mean,
that is just...

Why? Why? Why is it
so hard to believe

that a beautiful woman
like Elise

could fall for a guy
like me?

Because your last girlfriend
was a troll and dumped you.

She wasn't a troll.

She lived under a bridge
and had a beard.

What would you call her?

Well, I don't care
what you think.

As I said to Elise
this morning

when I woke up
at her apartment,

you know, in her arms
in her bed,

I said, "Boy, we sure had

a lot of sex last night,
didn't we?"

Antonio,

we get it.

You're spending all
of your time at Elise's.

Wait a minute. So that means
that you're never home,

doesn't it?

Right. And that's
because we're having great...

Yeah, I know,
I know, I know.

But, uh...

Who looks out for
your stuff, huh?

Who takes in your mail?

Who waters the plants?

Sounds like you could
use some... roommates.

Yeah. Roommates.

Well, wh-who would want
to move into my place?

I only have room for one bed

and my bathroom
is really just a toilet

with a courtesy drape.

Um, what exactly
is a courtesy drape?

Uh, actually,
I was boasting.

It's really more
of a thin sheet.

When the light hits
it a certain way,

you might as well
be on stage.

Uh...

anyhoo...

uh, Antonio...

we have got
an extra bedroom

in this great new house
we want to rent.

Why don't you just move in
with us?

Yeah, it's a great house
in a beautiful neighborhood.

Why don't you come
and take a look?

Well, I guess it might be
nice to live on a street

where a car isn't
on fire every night.

What-what's
the rent?

Um, 50 bucks less than
what you're paying now.

Whew! That, plus what
I'd save on rat poison

and gopher bait,

could add up to some
serious dough.

So, how do you
want to celebrate

our first night
living alone?

I don't know.
Let's do something
that we couldn't do

when Brian and Casey
lived here.

Okay.

I know, let's get
in the hot tub.

What's so special
about that?

We did that all the time
when they were here.

Not in the nude.

Naked in the hot tub.

I can get my behind
behind that.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to take off my clothes.

Why go upstairs?

There are no designated
non-naked areas anymore.

You're right.

From now on,
it's all nude all the time.

You know, Brian,
I have to admit

getting Antonio
to move in

was a stroke
of genius.

He's the perfect
roommate.

I mean, he's quiet, clean,
considerate.

And never, ever here. Huh?

You know, I was thinking,

we could turn his room
into a home gym.

No, no, no.

I've got big plans
for that room.

Plans? What plans?

That room's going to be my...

recording studio.

What are you going to record?

Sounds I make.

CASEY:
Antonio?

What are you
doing here?

What do you mean?

I live here.

Oh... no, you don't.

You pay rent here.

You live at Elise's.

Not anymore.

She dumped me.

Oh, Antonio,
that's terrible.

Now where are you
going to live?

Hey, Joe, you want bacon
with your eggs?

Helen, what is with that apron?

I thought we agreed nude--
nude, totally nude.

Hey.

Hey, I am not making
bacon naked.

All right, but the second
you're done cooking,

that apron comes off.

You don't have to twist my arm.

I don't think I was
really living

till I was living nude.

Well, think about it.

If it wasn't
for Brian and Casey,

we'd still be trapped in
our clothes, living the lie.

You know, we should
really look into one

of those colonies
for our next vacation.

They're all over the place.

Oh, okay, where would
you like to go?

I wouldn't mind
being nude in Europe.

Wait a minute, Joe,

I don't mean to be
a flag waver, but...

see America nude first.

(doorbell chimes)

I'll get it.

Oh.

Hey. Hey, guys, what
can I do for you?

Hey, we live
in the neighborhood.

I'm Spencer.
This is Judd.

Uh, Joe,
maybe the boys

could come back later.

Yeah, guys, it's really not
a good time right now.

Yes, it is.

(chuckling)

See, we've got something
you might be interested in.

We were working on our
astronomy project for school

and we were taking
some pictures of the sky

and, well, did you know we saw
a full moon last night?

Yeah.

Two of them.

(snickering)

Oh, my God.

It's pictures of us
taking our hot tub nude.

And us barbecuing nude.

And me cleaning
the rain gutters nude.

I don't remember that.

You were in the kitchen
cleaning the oven nude.

Okay, boys, we are
going to tear these up

and we're going to
call your parents.

Okay, but I've scanned those
pictures onto my computer.

One push of a button

and you'll be cruising
buck-naked down the Internet.

(snickering)

Unless...

(snickering)

Unless...

(imitating snickering)

What?

We want to invite
our friends over

and use your house
for a party.

A make-out party.

Uh-huh. Well, I'll
tell you what.

If you think we are going
to be blackmailed

by a couple
of snot-nose

little Peeping Toms,
you're crazy.

That's right.
You're messing with adults here,

adults that are
a lot smarter than you.

Hey, there's someone looking
in your window.

(snickering)

Thank you.

"Don't worry, Casey.

"He spends all of
his time with Elise.

He'll never even be there."

You know what
really helps

in a situation like
this, Casey? Sarcasm.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Oh, guys.

Don't take this
the wrong way, but...

you got a nasty
stink on you.

Oh, great.

Now it's on our clothes.

Roy, if you must know,
it's garlic.

Oh...!

Antonio likes to cook
when he's depressed.

You know,
it's not so much

the cooking
that bothers me.

It's not even that
he lays around all day

in those ratty pajamas

moaning and wailing
and sobbing...

And rocking and whimpering
and blubbering.

It's not even the
thumb sucking or...

the drooling

or the self-mutilation.

It's the singing.

Oh, that same stupid song,
over and over again.

Their song.

"Cherish."

Oh, I like that song.

Cherish is the word

I use to describe...

All the feelings
that I have

Hiding here for you

Inside.

Hey.

That sounded good.

Yeah, we should sing a duet
down at the V.A. hall

on karaoke night.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Just what those
veterans need...

more pain in their lives.

BRIAN:
Ahh!

Well, look who's here.

You got out of
your jammies, buddy.

Well...

you know, you...

you got to make
an effort.

(sobbing)

Oh, well, good for you.

Glad to see you're
back on your feet.

Okay. Okay.

That's enough self-pity.

(snorting)

I'm going to
make it up to you.

I'm cooking dinner.

Um, actually,
Antonio, I can't

because I've got
a date tonight.

Uh...

Really? I got
a date, too.

Huh.

Oh. I see.

You both have dates.

Okay, so we're
five for dinner.

Uh, look, Antonio.

Could I just explain
this to you?

I haven't had a date
in a really long time--

in a really...

really long time.

So... tonight...

please, I beg you,
stay quietly in your room.

Even if you hear me scream...

...don't come out.

You have got such
a cute place, Brian.

Ahh, it's a lot cuter
since you got here.

If you didn't have
such a great smile,

that would be
really cornball.

You know, Rhonda,
if everything goes well,

we'll have a great story
to tell our grandkids.

"When I first laid eyes
on your grandma,

"she was trying
to stuff a coffee cake

into her purse
without paying for it."

Will you stop?

I just bent down
to pick up my keys.

I was going
to pay for it.

Sure. Sure.
(doorbell chimes)

(shrieking):
That's for me!

(clearing throat)

Hi, Tom. I thought
I heard the bell.

Won't you come in?

Thank you, Casey.

Um, this is my
roommate Brian

and his date Rhonda.

Hi, how are you?
Hey.

Nice to meet you.
Hi.

I brought a little
housewarming gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Would you guys like
to join us for a drink?

Uh, sure.

Okay. Brian,

would you please
do the honors?

I got to go finish
getting ready.

I don't think you could
look any prettier.

Hold that thought.

I'll be right back.

Uh, well, uh, I'll go
cr*ck this baby open.

Rhonda, why don't you tell Tom
the story of how we met, huh?

It's really pretty funny.

I've never done this before

but I was about to steal
this coffee cake

and I was bending over...

Sorry, I...

I didn't think there
was anyone still here.

Hi, there.

You must be Casey's
other roommate.

No, no, no, no,
I don't exist.

I'm not here.

Just came to get
the TV Guide.

There's a good movie
on tonight--

Shattered, Fatal,
Broken Promises.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, I've got
to get this one.

Look. "Classic shows
we all cherish."

(voice breaking):
Cherish.

Something wrong?

(falsetto):
No.

No.

Are you sure?

Would you like
to talk about it?

Can't.

Well, it's okay.

You don't really
have to talk about it.

My girlfriend
dumped me!

(sobbing)

Oh, no. You poor man.

Hey...

Hey, we've all
been there.

In fact, it just happened
to me three months ago,

right... out of the blue.

You have to give
yourself time.

Yeah, I'm still not
over my old girlfriend.

We went out for six years.

I try dating other women,

but it-it's
just pointless.

Oh, what's the use?

I'm not ready.

I'm just not ready.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.

I can't.

It's just...

too soon.

I'm-I'm sorry, Casey.

Wait, where are you going?

What about our date?

(growling):
What did you say to him?!

Okay, here we go, everybo...

Antonio.

What the hell are you doing out?

Don't talk to him that way.

Can't you see, he's hurting.

It's okay.
I'm used to it.

But you're supposed
to stay in your room.

How did you move
that bookcase?

I don't believe this.

You barricaded him
in his room?

Yeah, well,
I've got just cause.

He stinks up the joint,
he whines all the time

and he's a huge pain in the ass.

Come on, Rhonda,
let's get out of here, okay?

I'm not going
anywhere with you,

you insensitive creep.

Are you going to be okay?

Call me in a day or two.

Wait. Wait, Rhonda.

Rhonda, please.

Uhh... Rhonda,
Rhonda, wait.

What just happened here?

I'll tell you
what happened.

I said, "Get a dead bolt."

You said, "He'll never be able
to get past that bookcase."

That's what happened.

Hey. Hey,
listen, uh...

I'm sorry about your evening.

Yeah, right. Okay.

Come on, Casey,
let's go.

No, listen.
Listen, um...

if you feel that
I'm to blame for this,

maybe I should be the one to go.

No, really.

Maybe I should just
pack up my things and move.

Seriously.

Maybe I should just
clear out of here

and look for someplace else
to live.

Fine, you've said enough.
I'm out of here.

Roy, have you
seen Antonio?

He took off
last night

and we haven't
heard from him since.

Last night, huh?

Do you know there was some
pounding on my door.

And some crying,
and some moaning,

and I heard a voice begging,
"Please, please, let me in.

"I'm desperate.

I have no where to go."

Hmm. I figured it was the wind.

I went back to sleep.

Hi, Brian.

Hi, Casey.

Antonio!

We are so sorry.

Ah, please.

I should be thanking you.

Thanking us?

After I left last night,
I drove around for awhile

and I ended up at
an all-night diner

and who should I run into?

Elise.

We talked for hours,

then we went back
to her place.

If you two hadn't
been so mean to me

and kicked me out,

Elise and I never would
have gotten back together.

So, thank you.

Listen, you don't
have to thank us.

We only want
what's best for you.

Oh, yeah--
just one more thing.

Elise and I have decided
to move in together

so you'll have to find
another roommate.

Oh, and by the way--
the microwave? Keep it.

Cherish is the word
I use to describe...

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I give up.

We've been interviewing
people for what--

three days?

We are never going to
find a roommate in time.

Face it.
This is hopeless.

(Brian groaning, doorbell rings)

Ahh! Break over.

Let the sideshow continue.

Casey, who's next?

(imitating Robin Leach):
Is it Gorgo, the dog-faced boy?

(sighing)

Hi. I'm here about the room.

Hi. Well, come on in.

I'm Casey.

This is Brian.

Matthew Evans.

Wow. This place is great.

BRIAN:
Thanks, uh, listen.

Just a few questions.

Are you currently employed,
can you give us references

and do you have
a steady girlfriend

where you can
spend all your time?

(chuckling):
Well, okay.

Uh, I have a steady job,

I can send you references,
and right now

I'm between girlfriends.

When can you
move in?

Uh, as soon as possible.

I'm staying
at this awful motel

down at the wharf--
the Just Washed Inn.

Oh, no. That place
is horrible.

Oh, please.

That's why I'm willing
to pay whatever you want

to get out of that place.

When can you move in?

(doorbell rings)

Uh, excuse me.

Uh!

Hi, Brian, I just came
to pick up a few things.

Oh, sorry. I didn't
know you had company.

No, that's fine,
that's fine, that's fine.

Antonio,

this is Matt Evans.

He's here about
renting the room.

Oh. Oh, well,
it's a great room.

I'm sure you'll love it.

Excuse me.

So, Matt, how
about a tour, huh?

You know,
I think I know that guy.

Yeah, he's staying
at the Just Washed Inn.

Who, Antonio? No, no, no.

He lives with his girlfriend.

I-I'm sure of it.

He's across the hall from me.

Yeah. All night long,
I hear this wailing and weeping.

And, oh, the cooking smells--
my God.

Sometimes my eyes
literally water.

Brian, do you know
what this means?

Antonio made that
whole story up.

He's not back
with Elise.

No, no. No, no, no, no.
He didn't make anything up.

He's living with Elise.

They're happy. They're solid.

Those two kids
are going to make it.

He's obviously confusing him
with someone else.

And this stupid song
he keeps singing

over and over again...

"Cherish."

Hey, Matt, why don't you
take a look at the bedroom.

Yeah, sure.
Right around there.

By the way, I've
got season tickets
to the Celtics,

so anytime you guys want
to go, let me know.

(inhaling deeply)

Oh, I like him, Casey.

I like him so much.

Yeah, well, so do I,
but we can't let Antonio

go back to the Just Washed Inn.

I guess that's everything,
so I got to be going.

See you.

No, Antonio, um, look, um,

we were wondering
if you could maybe

move back and live here
with us again.

What?

Uh, no, I'm sorry.

Elise and I are
doing very well.

Thank you.

Well, that's that, then.
So long.

No, uh, please, Antonio.

I mean, um...

I know that we don't deserve it,

but you'd be doing us
a huge favor.

We just can't find anyone
suitable to live with us.

Do you guys mind if I paid
you six months rent in advance?

(whimpering)

Um, Matt... Matt, um,
I really don't think

this is going
to work out after all.

But, what? I thought that...

Please.

Just go.

Could I possibly
change your mind

if I paid you an extra
100 bucks a month?

Oh...

(whimpering)

I'm sorry, Matt.

I see what you mean.

Lot of losers out there.

(sobbing)

Hey, hey, it's okay, bro.

Of course I'll stay.
Of course.

You know, I...

tell you the truth,

I think I can
do better than Elise.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again,

women come and go,

but friends are the things
we must always cherish.

Cherish is the word
I use to describe...

Come on, Casey.

All the feelings
that I have

Hiding here
for you inside

ALL:
I don't know how many times
I wish that I could hold you...

Hey, look. There's a new
Nantucket website.

Pull it up.

Let's see what we got.

Look. Oh, look at that.

There... There
are nude people on here.

Oh, my God. It's...

(gasps)

Well, them sure are
some clean rain gutters.