08x20 - Heartache Tonight

[bunniefuu]

(straining):
Okay. Here you go.

Okay. Here you go.

Oh, I need you

to carry them
out to the plane.

Oh, sorry.

That's
the baggage-handler's job.

Now...

here you go.

A quarter.

25 lousy cents.

When did people get so cheap?

Well, Antonio,
if you want bigger tips,

you're just going
to have to earn them

the old-fashioned way.

You've got to roll up
your sleeves, dig in your heels

and suck up until
you're blue in your face.

Oh, good afternoon,

and welcome to Sandpiper.

Have a nice flight,

Mister... Patterson.

It's been a pleasure
serving you.

(groans)

I think I get it.

Maybe I try that.

I can't do worse
than a stinking quarter.

I should have thrown it
right back in his face.

Oh, my God,
where'd it go?
Where'd it go?

Hey, get away
from my quarter.

(phone ringing)

Sandpiper.

(coughing)

It's for you.

I'll have to call you back.

Brian, what's wrong with you?

(groans)

Man, it started

with a little tickle
in my throat,

and then my ears plugged up,

my nose started running,

I got the gland thing happening,

and then... and then...

(sneezes)

(groans)

Damn it, Brian,
I just got this Cosmo...

for Helen.

Why don't you-Why don't you
just go home?

Are you sure?

Yes. Just go. Go.

(muttering)
Go, go, go.

(groaning)

Helen,

could I please have a cup of
hot tea to go, please?
Sure.

Hey, Helen, I have to ask
your opinion on something.

I have got a big date
on Saturday night.

What do you think
of my new dress?

BRIAN:
Oh, that's really...

(sneezes)

Oh, gross!

Now I can't take it back
after I wear it.

What is the matter with you?

Now, be nice, Casey.
Can't you see he's sick?

Here's your tea, baby.

Thank you, Helen.

People are so sweet to
you when you're sick.

Some people.

So...? A date?

Yeah.

Who is he?

His name is Jack Gordon

and he's from Nashville.

He's a buyer
at my department store.

He's tall, he's handsome,

and I cannot believe
that he asked me out.

Casey, don't be so surprised.

A lot of guys
want to ask you out.

Really? Who?

How about Saul from the park?

Who's a hundred.

Oh, and don't forget

Stinky Timmy
from the gas station.

He's always had his eye on you.

Yeah, well,
he's only got the one.

Like I said, I can't believe
Jack asked me out.

Hey, hey, Chappel.
Yeah.

If you were having people
over for dinner

and making chicken, what kind
of wine would you serve?

Oh, probably a dry Chardonnay.

Dry Chardonnay. Great.

Bring a couple of bottles
of that

when you and Joe come over
for dinner on Saturday night.

Wh-wh-wh-whoa-whoa.

First of all, if I was
coming over to your house,

I'd need a lot more than wine.

And second of all,
there's no way in hell

that Joe and I are ever coming
over to your house for dinner,

but thank you for asking.

Not even if this was a matter
of life and death for me?

I'm afraid not.

Okay, Chappel, look--
hear me out.

You know that woman, Pauline,

that I've been dating
for the last month?

Mm-hmm.

Well, on Saturday night,

I'm going to have Mom
over for dinner

and I am finally going
to introduce her to Pauline.

You mean she's real?

Pauline?
Of course she's real.

Well, I thought she was like,
you know, Ramona.

Hey, Ramona was just
a transitional thing.

Besides, she popped.

Okay... if I needed
another reason

for not coming over
to your house

that would be it.

Come on, look, Chappel,
look, I need a buffer.

Mom can be, well, a little
critical (nervous laugh),

and it would really sort of
take the pressure off... Pauline

if I had some friends there.

Oh. Well... I see what you mean.

I got to stick with no.

I understand. I do.

A few hours of your time
is just too much to spare,

even if it would make
a poor old woman happy.

(voice breaking):
In the scant time
that she has left.

Okay, damn it, we'll come!

Don't forget that Chardonnay,
and pick up a red, too.

Okay. Here you are,
Mr. Albright.

Oh, oh... Tom.

Now, you have
a wonderful flight

and give my love
to Griff and Mitzi, okay?

Oh, for me? Ten bucks.

Oh... I should be paying you

just for the pleasure
of your company.

Chump.

Joe?

Honey?
(door closes)

We have to talk.

I've done something

and I'm not
very proud of it.

What is it?

Oh, G...

This is so hard for me
to say, Joe.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I never meant
for this to happen.

Please, will you just say it?

Joe...

Roy invited us over
for dinner Saturday night,

and I said yes.

(groans)

Oh, my God.

I thought it was another man.

Oh, damn. Why couldn't it
have been another man?

What were you thinking, Helen?

It's a real important
night for him.

He's going to introduce
his mom to Pauline.

His girlfriend?
You mean, she's real?

Apparently he and Ramona
had a big blowup.

Anyway... listen,
we won't stay long.

We'll just go in
and we'll eat and we'll get out.

What makes you think
we can get out?

What makes you think
anyone gets out?

It's not as bad
as we think it's going to be.

Besides, we've had Roy
over to our house before.

Yeah, but that's different.

It was a controlled
environment.
(knocking on glass)

Hey, guys, I just
talked to Mom

about Saturday night.

She is so excited, she's
going to wear her good hair.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, hey, guys.

Come on in.

Well, are you coming in or not?

We're thinking.

Wow...

This place is...

so...

you.

Thanks.

I know some people like to use
a decorator, but not me.

I like to pick up pieces
that speak to me.

What the hell
did that thing say?

It said, "I'm big enough
to hide that stain on the wall."

So, let's get this
party started.

Have one.

One what?

Is this some
sort of meat?

You're warm.
(phone ringing)

Okay, guys, uh...

make yourselves
comfortable.

Hello?

Ah, hi, Pauline.
Hold on.

Not there!

That's Mom's special chair.

But she's not here yet.

How would she...?
Oh...

she'll know.

Excuse me, I'm going to have
to take this in the other room.

Hi. Yeah.

Great. Pauline
hasn't even left yet.

We're going
to be here all night.

Let's the
best of this.

(screams)

What is that?
I don't know.

It looks like what's
on the hors d'oeuvre tray,

only with legs.

Oh, my God!

It can't be k*lled.

What's...
What's the matter, Roy?

Pauline isn't going
to be much longer, is she?

Pauline's
not coming.

She just broke
up with me.

Aw. Aw, we're sorry, Roy.

That's too bad.

You probably
want to be alone.

Come on, Helen.

Joe, we can't just
leave him here.

Look at him.
He's upset.

Look, we'll just
stay five minutes.

Try to make him
feel better.

Will that k*ll you?

No, but that might!

GIRL (on TV):
I finished my chores, Pa.

Can I go to the church fair?

Mr. Oleson's giving out apples.

MAN:
You run along, half pint,
but don't fill up.

Ma's making bean soup
for dinner.

Hey, I was
taping that!

(sneezes)

God, would you look
at this place?!

My date is picking me up
any minute.

I wanted everything
to be perfect.

Would you
help me clean up?

Oh, good one, Casey.
Yeah, good one.

Yeah, yeah, you worry about a
couple of tissues on the floor

instead of that
freshly embalmed look

you got going.

Hey...

I look great.

And you know what else?

I feel great, too.

Why, tonight's going
to be just magical.

Anything you say, Baby Jane.

What... What
have you got on

under that dress?

What, are you
smuggling tires?

No.

Does it look bad?

They're thermals.

No, no...

Not at all.

Listen, why don't you
just admit that you're sick

and go to bed?

Because I am not sick!

Sickness is all in your head.

You just...
you can't give in to it.

You know what your problem is?

You're weak.

(doorbell rings)

It's Jack!

(sniffling):
Coming!

God, it's like
an oven in here!

(moans)

Hey...

looking good.

Brian, you keep your mouth shut.

You do not ruin this for me.

Hi, Casey.

Hi.

(coughing)

(coughing harder)

Just had a little
tickle in my throat.

Are you okay?

Oh, never better.

Are you sure?

Oh, absolutely.

Completely sure.

4:58, 4:59,
five minutes.

Okay, come on, Helen, let's go.

Joe...

will you have
some feelings, please?

Roy, I'm so sorry.

I know how much
you liked her.

I don't think
you deserved this at all.

Okay, Joe, I'm ready.

Ehh, you guys
might as well go.

Mom's going to be here
any minute.

She already thinks I'm a loser.

I'll just tell her I got dumped
and that'll confirm it.

Sounds like a plan.
Night-night.

Unless...

I-I don't have to tell Mom
the truth.

Oh, my God,
it won't open.

We can't get out.

What do you mean?

We got to get out.

I don't have to tell Mom
that I got dumped.

Open it, open it,
open it, open it.

I can't open it.
He's locked us in.

Hey, guys, there is something
I could use you for.

Oh, my God, he's
going to cut us up

and turn us into
hors d'oeuvres.

Chappel, I want you to pretend
to be my girlfriend.

Well, spread me on a cr*cker
and put me on a tray

'cause there's no way
I'm doing that!

I know, I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm desperate.

Mom has been looking forward

to this meeting
with Pauline for weeks

and she does not handle
disappointment well.

What's the point?
Your mom's going to find out

Pauline dumped you
eventually.

No, no, no, she won't.

Before the evening is over,
I'll dump Helen.

Oh, this just gets
worse and worse.

Please...

please... please!

Look, it'll be over
by 10:00 p.m. sharp. I promise.

I am begging you.

Mom's heart-- it can't take
this kind of news.

It will k*ll her.

She's so delicate and frail.

(banging on door)

MOM:
Open up, Roy!

I got to use the can!

She's here.

Mom, it's stuck again.

Now it's unstuck.

Hi, Mommy.

Shut up.

Who are you?

She's
uh, uh...

I'm Pauline, Roy's girlfriend.

Well, get out of my way.

I got a bladder the
size of a sh*t glass.

Oh, this is
your woman, huh?

(screams)
Hey!

Dainty little miss, ain't she?

You know what, Roy,
I don't think that...

And you must be my entertainment
for the evening.

Well, I guess I've done worse.

Oh, my God, no.

I'm...

The houseboy, Ar-Arturo.

Arturo the houseboy.

Arturo, we need drinks.

Houseboy?!

You'd rather be
her entertainment?

And what will
the lady be having?

Bourbon, neat,
and leave the bottle.

And me and my baby here
will have some wine.

And leave the bottle.

So, Mrs. Biggins...

(clears throat)

It's just so nice
to finally meet you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
everything's beautiful.

How'd you meet my son?

Oh, yeah, well...

oh, gosh, we were...

we were at the same
place at the same time.

Oh, gosh, well, Roy, you
tell it so much better.

Go ahead.

She was stripping
over at The Fancy Lady.

She gave me a lap dance
for my birthday.

Well, in your line of work,
I guess you meet a lot of men.

What made him stand out?

Well, um...

he was there, and, uh...

he had a lap, and...

I'm sorry it took
so long, Mr. Roy.

So, uh, if there's nothing else,
I guess I will be going.

Oh, no, you don't, Hazel.

You're staying right here.

Listen, as long as you're
going to be sticking around,

I could use
a scalp massage.

Roy, go get him
the gloves.

(blowing nose loudly)

(nasally):
I wonder if Jack
still thinks I'm pretty.

Of course, he does, my dear.

You got a little fever blister
thing happening right over here.

No!

You did this to me.

Yeah, with your sneezing
and your coughing

and your cooties
all over the house.

Know something?

You're starting to disturb
my healing process.

If you're going to camp out
in my sick room,

you're going
to live by my rules:

No whining, no moaning,
and most important,

keep away from me
with that lip.

I finally get asked out
by a great guy

and I get sick...

God, I'm never going to hear
from him again.

It's over.

Stop being so dramatic. Huh?

Jack will call you again

one night

around 2:00 a.m.

when he's good and drunk
and the bars are closed.

You watch.

That phone will ring.

Oh, I hope you're right.

Okay, Mrs. Biggins,

I picked all the pineapple
out of your fruit cocktail.

It's just peaches and
pears now, like you said.

If I find one piece
of pineapple in there, boy,

it's going to be your ass.

Mr. Roy, it's almost 10:00,

you know, quitting time.

Uh, Roy, it is kind of
getting late.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

But, look, Arturo,
do you mind...

could you please
just give me

another couple
of minutes?

Do you mind?

Oh, listen to you.

"Please, Arturo."

"Do you mind, Arturo?"

You're such a simp.

Don't you know how
to talk to help?

Here, go clip this

and come back with a lighter
and an ashtray.

And you're not going anyplace
else until I tell you to.

You know what?

I've had just about
enough of your venom,

you miserable old gargoyle.

(cackles)

I like him.

He's got moxie.

Go fix my cigar.

Yes, ma'am.

Why can't you be
more like him?

Would it k*ll you to
show a little moxie?

Oh, boy, this has just been
a whole mess of fun.

Mom, I got moxie.

I got a girlfriend,
don't I?

Dating at your age?

What the hell is that?

I mean, when are you going
to be a man and settle down?

You know, Roy,

weren't you going to tell me
something, like, around 10:00?

No, no.
Ticktock, ticktock.

Roy, say something.

Okay, okay,
all right, all right.

All right, Pauline,
I don't know how to say this

but, uh, we've been seeing
each other for about a month now

and we've had
a really wonderful time, huh,

but it can't
go on like this.

Will you marry me?

What?

What the hell is
going on here, Mr. Roy?

You're getting married?

Just like you wanted.
So what do you say, darling?

No!

I'm with her.

Okay, okay, then
we'll have a long engagement.

Over my dead body.

Isn't that what
we're looking at?

Roy, this
bleach-blonde floozy

is fine for
shacking up with

but she's not
marriage material.

Excuse me.

Bleached blonde?

These are highlights.

Okay, look, that's
it, that's enough.

I'm going to be driving
the floozy home now.

No, you just hold on, Arty.

I'm not marriage material?

Mom, I don't understand.

You just said that you want me
to settle down again.

Yeah, but not with her.

What's wrong with me?

Okay, toots, here it is.

You're just not of our ilk.

You might be
good enough

for someone like Arturo here,

but not my Roy.

Hey, what makes you think
she's good enough for me?

Oh, like I can't do better
than a houseboy.

I love you, son,
but it's her or me.

Roy!

You love me?

Mom, you haven't said that
for years.

Well, I don't like to go around
advertising it.

Oh, Mommy, I...
All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Come on, Pauline, let's
get the hell out of here.

No, no! I'm not
going anywhere.

I'm not a floozy.

I'm a good girl.

Why don't you like me?

Well, I've had enough
for one night.

Why don't you take me
back to the home?

Oh, Mom, why don't you
hang out for a while, huh?

Just you and me.

No sappy talk?

I can change.

Just give me another chance.

I love your son.

(door closes)

(romantic music swelling on TV)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(both cough)

(romantic music continues)