08x21 - Oedipus Wrecks

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Oh, Colonel Shulkraut's
Happy Time Circus is in town.

Nothing says fun quite like
the name Shulkraut.

Well, now, now.

It may not be the biggest
or the brightest...

or the safest circus

but hey, it's all we got.

Plus, I got free tickets
if I put that up.

Oh, count me in.

HELEN:
Hey, Joe.

Hey.

You want to go
to the circus?

I hate the circus.

Bad, bad things happen
at the circus.

Hey, Antonio,

we're all going
to the circus.

You want to go?

Oh, do I.

I've never been
to the circus.

You are kidding.

My father always said
"Why pay for the circus?

"If you want weird smells
and bearded ladies,

go visit your Aunt Graziella."

(roaring)

(imitates thundering footfalls)

Toot!

Explanation, please.

Well, Emily,
this girl I've been seeing,

is coming in from Boston.

And, uh, I want to make
a good impression.

I hope that puppet's
stuffed with money,

'cause that's your only sh*t.

No, it's for her son,
and I haven't met him yet.

But you know these single moms--

if the kid doesn't like you,
then you're out.

So Operation Suck-up
starts tonight.

Oh, and I got tickets

to Colonel Shulkraut's
Happy Time Circus.

Oh.

The circus.

All right, what
is it with you?

Ever since we were kids,

as soon as someone brings up
the circus,

you get all dark and creepy.

That's because bad, bad things
happen at the circus.

(door closes)

Hey, Helen.
Hey.

So, how was the circus?

Well, Colonel Shulkraut,
the ringmaster,

is kind of losing it.

I don't know if an 80-year-old
with a top hat and no pants

is the greatest show on earth.

Oh, wasn't...

wasn't that circus
incredible?

Oh, Casey...

Casey, it was a magical world
of wonder and illusion

and places you shouldn't step.

CASEY:
Hey, Roy, did you have
a good time at the circus?

(whimpering)

What's his problem?
Oh...

There was a little incident

involving Roy
and Bippy the Clown.

A "little" incident?

Casey, it was awful.

Bippy the Clown chose Roy
out of the audience--

totally humiliated him.

ANTONIO:
Oh, come on.

Helen, it's a circus.

It was funny.

You thought it was funny
when he took Roy's hair

and greased his unicycle wheel?

(laughing)

That was hilarious.

Did you think it was hilarious
when he took Roy's belt

and had four clowns
jump rope with it?

Yeah, I spilled my popcorn.

And I guess
it was a riot

when he stole
Roy's hot dog

and made him beg for it
like a trained seal.

(barking)

Maybe you're right.

That wasn't so good.

Are you kidding?

That was funny.

Brian? Hi.

Emily, hey, hey.

Hey, where's Shawn?

I got him a
little something.

Oh, that's very sweet.

The pilot's showing him
the cockpit.

He just loves planes.

Great. Then he's got
to love a pilot.

Boy, I can't wait to
meet the little guy.

Mom.

Uh...

Why is that man calling you

such a highly
inappropriate name?

Brian, this
is my son, Shawn.

Hey, man.
How's it going?

Hey.

Wow, you're a...

you're a big boy, aren't you?

I wish. I'd be playing
pro ball right now

instead of going
to medical school.

Brian, why don't you give him
the gift you bought him?

Man, you didn't have
to do that.

So what did you get me?

Uh, well, I don't-I don't, uh...

Come on,
what did you get me?

All right.

A beer cozy.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, maybe I should check
on the luggage.

Thanks, honey.

Um, Brian?
Hmm?

Is something wrong?

Oh, he's a great
big boy, isn't he?

Oh, you thought
he'd be younger, didn't you?

Well... yeah.

(pager beeping)

That's my office.
Oh.

I've got a building
in escrow.
Okay.

I'll be right back.

Sure.

Joe, Joe.

I've got a problem.

Emily's kid is really big
and needs a shave.

Well, look, Brian,

if you're going to be
in a relationship with her,

the kid is part of the deal.

So you're just going to have
to close your eyes

and play with him anyway.

No, no, no.

I mean that he's got to be
at least 21 years old.

So?

Well, so, if he's 21,

then that means that
she's got to be...

Five...

Over 21.

Brian, if you want to find out
how old Emily is, just ask her.

You can't just ask a
woman what her age is.

Why not? I asked Fay.

She's 49.

You're making a big deal
out of this.

Stop being such a baby.

Oh, I'm a baby?

When's the last time
you went to...

the circus?

The circus.

The circus... no.

So is everything
okay at the office?

Great.

They're not going
to bother us

for at least a week.

Oh, great, great.

Because I'm really
looking forward

to hanging out
with you some.

I mean, there's so much
I still don't know about you.

Like, for instance,

uh, I've never seen
your driver's license.

I'm 41, Brian.

Oh, where did you
get that from?

No, I just wanted to know

if you were an organ donor,
that's all.

Well, bad news.

Our luggage didn't make
the flight.

Oh, no.

Don't worry about it.

I'll stay here
and wait for it.

They said it's going to be
on the next flight.

Okay, thanks, sweetie.
We'll meet you at the hotel.

Yeah, and great meeting you,
Shawn.

And next time you hoist one
with that pup... that beer cozy,

think of me, huh?

Excuse me,
how's the chili?

I don't work here.

Oh, sorry.

It stinks.

What about the cheeseburger?

Don't go there.

Coffee?

Oh, uh...

well, what do you recommend?

Eating someplace else.

Okay.

But I don't know the island.

If you're not doing anything
right now,

would you like to join me?

Oh, you know, I don't know...

I guess I'm free.

Ah.

Good morning.

Oh, it is now.

Want some coffee?

Yeah, I'd love some.
Okay.

Good morning, Brian.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't know
you had company.

Emily, this is
my roommate, Casey.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Morning.

Shawn?

Mom?
Mom?!

Shawn?

Brian... what exactly
happened this morning?

Well, I don't know,
but it was a little weird.

Well, you know, I guess it
wasn't that weird, really.

I mean, let's...
let's break it down.

We're dating a mother
and her son.

If we marry these people,
you will be my stepfather,

and my sister is already married
to your brother

and we have slept together.

Oh, God.
Somebody's going to end up

with a two-headed kid.

Oh, God.

What are we
going to do?

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

You have to dump Shawn.

Forget it!
I haven't found

a guy I like this
much in a long time.

You dump Mommy.

No, no, no.
No, Mommy's a keeper.

We're just going
to have to stay

out of each other's way,
that's all.

How are we going
to do that?

I mean, we live in
the same house.

All right, all right.
Whoever's home first

just has to put a signal
on the door

to warn the other couple
not to come in.

For instance,
if you're home with Shawn,

you just put out
a sign that says...

"Baby on board."

Okay. And if you're
there with his mommy,

and you're settling in
for a night of Matlock...

you know, you can just
put out her teeth.

Look...

why don't we just do
what we did in college:

Put a tie on the doorknob.

Oh, okay. I will do it,
but it's just so juvenile.

Oh. Got to go.

I'm meeting Shawn
at the video arcade.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

(voice quavering):
I'm, uh...

I'm sorry to bother you,
but, uh...

I got some Sandpiper
mail by mistake.

Here you go.

Again, I'm sorry

if I disturbed you.

(moans softly)

Are you okay?

(voice breaking):
Uh-huh.

It's the circus,
isn't it?

Oh, forget it, Hackett.

You wouldn't understand.

Maybe I would.

It was that clown Bippy.

He took away my dignity.

He humiliated me
in front of all of those people.

It was hell.

I told you, Roy--

bad, bad things
happen at the circus.

What happened to you
under the big top?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Oh, come on, Hackett.

I can see it's eating
you up inside.

It was an elephant.

(gasps)

I was six years old.

My father took me
to the circus.

I'd been looking forward
to it for weeks.

There I was,
sitting in the front row

with my Orange Crush
watching the Flying Zambinis.

Tough break about
most of those guys.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, suddenly, I felt
this tugging at my drink.

I looked over
and there it was--

a big, hairy elephant trunk
inhaling my Orange Crush.

I'll never forget

the slurp, slurp, slurping
sound it made.

(slurps)

And then...

and then...

Come on, Hackett,
get it all out.

And then it sneezed.
(gasps)

I ran out of there

and I never set foot
in that evil place again.

Wow, how can you get over
something like that?

I didn't...
but you can, Roy.

It's not too late.

The circus is still in town.

You go back there and demand
an apology from that clown.

I can't.

You have to, Roy.

You don't want
to wind up like me,

paying 30 cents extra for gas

'cause you're too scared to use
the self-service hose.

Helen... Helen.

I've made a decision
in my life

and I don't want you
to talk me out of it.

I'm going to run away
and join the circus.

Well, normally,
I'd say that's insane,

but we're talking
about you here

so best of luck.

I've given this
a lot of thought,

so I'm not going to go
do something stupid

or something
I'm unqualified for

like trapeze artist
or lion tamer,

but... how much
skill does it take

to be fired
out of a cannon?

Huh?

I mean, if a ball
of lead can do it...

You know, normally
I'd say that's crazy

and you're risking
your life for nothing,

but best of luck.

(laughs)

That's what I thought.

My career is about to take off.

(imitates cannon f*ring)

Hey, Antonio,

where are you going
so dressed up?

I'm trying out for
the human cannonball.

Would you like me
to light a fire?

Oh, God, yes!

I... I mean...

Sure. That would be nice.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

Feels good.

Oh... yeah.

Feels more good.

Oh, mama!

Yeah, sweetie?

(screams)

(both scream)

What the hell happened?

Didn't you see the tie?

There was no tie!

You forgot to
leave a signal!

That tie was
some kind of signal?

I should have known that
you would screw this up.

You are always
screwing up my life.

I swear, one day
when you least expect it,

you're just going to...
you're just going to get it.

She has very deep
emotional problems.

The state pays me
to let her live here.

You know, obviously,

this is a little awkward
for all of us.

Uh... yeah.

So instead of avoiding
the situation,

let's just deal with it.

Okay? Why don't we all

go to dinner together
tomorrow night.

Huh, Brian?

Sure. Sounds good. Yeah.

Okay. That's fine.

Yeah, that's
a great idea.

I mean, after all,

there's nothing that
weird going on here.

Oh, stupid me.

I forgot my helmet.

They're going to give me

something called
a brain impact test.

Be home late...

unless they aim the cannon
this way.

So the shoe salesman says,
"Lady, you're an eight

but with a bigger set
of knockers, you'd be a ten."

(chortling)

Hey, hey, that's a smart joke.

You guys suck.

Get out of here.

(knocking)

Excuse me. Mr. Bippy?

Could I talk to you
for a minute?

Oh, uh, Pauly told me
it'd be another week

before he sent in his g*ons.

My name is Roy Biggins.

You pulled me out
of the audience

during one of your shows.

You remember me?

Yeah, well, I should.

I must've gotten a hernia.

(laughing)

See? He's mean.
Let's go.

No. Come on, come on, there,
buddy, you can do this.

Look, I don't have any idea
who you are.

I do two shows a day
for three weeks straight...

and I drink.

So I get what you call "lapses."

Well, maybe I can refresh
your memory.

(barking like a seal)

Oh! Oh! Big guy, third row!

That was a good night.

Man, I was on fire.

Do you have an idea what
you've done to this man?

Hackett, if this is
going to mean anything,

I got to handle it
by myself.

That's okay, Roy,
I'm here for you.

No...

really, it's okay.

(elephant trumpeting)

Please don't make me
go out there.

Come on, Hackett!

You can do it.

Come on.

(elephant trumpeting)

Oh, for cryin' out loud...

Get out...
(thud)

So what do you want
with me, huh?

This isn't one of those
nuisance suits, is it?

'Cause if it is...

I want an apology.

Oh, come on, for what?

I was just doing my job.

Is your job preying
on people's weaknesses

and humiliating them in public?

Yeah.

Well, then it's vicious
and abusive.

And if what you need to do
is make other people feel bad

so you can feel good,
you must be a very unhappy man.

What makes you think
I'm unhappy, huh?

'Cause I'm living in luxury.

I'm pulling down
almost six Gs a year.

Don't give me that sob story.

I don't care about any of that.

Why would you?

You hotshot types
never care,

with your hundred-dollar suits
and your fancy coifs.

(chuckling)

Well, maybe your life
isn't so great.

"Isn't so great"?

Look at me, I'm about
as low as you go.

No, actually, there was
this schnook cab driver

who came in the other day

wanting the human
cannonball job, all right?

That's as low as you go.

CASEY:
Mmm!

Now, remember, there is
nothing strange about this.

That's right--

we're just having dinner
with our dates...

Mrs. Palmer...

And her son.

(doorbell rings)

Okay.

(clears throat)

Hi.

Hi.

Oh.

Hey!
Hey!

Hi! Come on in.

Nice.

Yeah.

Sit down.

(groaning)

(chuckling)

This is really nice.

Lovely.

Nice...

Okay, you know what, you guys?
We can do this.

I think we're just trying
a little too hard.

Yeah, Casey's right.

I think we should just relax

and just have a regular...
a regular conversation.

Yeah.
So, Shawn, you're in
medical school, man, right?

That's pretty
impressive.

I'm really proud of him.

He's worked so hard.

You're telling me.

It's a real grind.

That's why I've decided
to take next year off.

What?

Casey and I are going to
bum around South America.

Shawn's a little b*rned out
after medical school,

and, well, after my three months
at the department store,

well, I'm fried.

I-I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

Do you know how hard it was
to get him into medical school?

Mom, it's my life.

Not while I'm paying for it,
it's not.

Now, now, now.

It's not necessarily

set in stone.

Have you kids thought
this plan through?

Traveling through
South America

can be pretty expensive.

We know that--
we're not idiots.

We're going to sell huaraches
by the side of the road

and, like, grow
our own food and stuff.

Oh, my God, you are not
going anywhere, young man.

You're finishing medical
school, like we planned.

"We"?

You can't run
our lives!

Don't take that tone
with us, young lady.

Oh, God!

We do not want
your bourgeois lifestyle.

Have you forgotten what
it's like to be our age?

What are you talking about?
I am your age.

No, you're not.

Casey's only 24.

(stifling a sob)

BRIAN:
Ho!

You've got chutzpah, lady.

She's 34, and that's
what she'll admit to.

Is that true?

I... I can't believe

I ever slept with you!

You slept with my
son's girlfriend?

Well, uh, yes...

But she wasn't his
girlfriend at the time.

She was my...
sister-in-law.

Exactly.

Honey, are you sure you want
to quit medical school

for this woman?

I mean, she's so much
older than you.
Oh, now, wait a second,

wait a second, we don't
necessarily have to make

age an issue here.

I mean, you're a whole
lot older than me

and I got over it.

"Got over it"?

I didn't think
it was a problem.

Well, it's not anymore.

"Anymore"?

Any more... wine?

Come on, Shawn.
We're leaving.

Hey! Shawn's not

five years old,
and he's not just

going to "go home
with his mommy."

If you stay in med school,
I'll buy you a new car.

Bye!

Mama's boy!

Well... that got ugly.

Yeah... and faster
than usual.

How you doing, Roy?

I made a friend.

How about you, Hackett?

It was incredible.

I had a complete
breakthrough.

I met the lion-tamer,

I watched the jugglers
rehearse...

Look, I'm drinking
an Orange Crush!

Good for you, Hackett.

Listen, I really
got to thank you

for making me
come with you.

I feel like...
after all these years,

my circus nightmare
is finally over.

(slurping)