04x01 - Pretty Boy Flizzy

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Boondocks". Aired: November 6, 2005 – June 23, 2014.*
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Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.
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04x01 - Pretty Boy Flizzy

Post by bunniefuu »

In the celebrity criminal justice system

there are the so-called "musicians"

who commit crimes and the overpaid
private defense attorneys who defend them.

This is one of their stories.

Just finished up with the clerk.

He's shook up but okay.

Said the guy just flipped out,
started dancing like Michael Jackson,

then showed a g*n and robbed the place.

Perp was a black male,
around 19, really sexy...

Sexy? Exactly how sexy?

Dimples, "honey brown" complexion, chiseled
abs, extra shiny chap-sticked lips...

Damn, that is sexy.

There's only one 19-year-old black
male that matches that sexy profile.

- Pretty Boy Flizzy.
- Never heard of him.

Um, only the hottest
up-and-coming R&B star!

You've heard of his
songs... "Titty telethon"?

"Pleasure me orally"?
"Don't touch my anus, girl"?

How would I have heard this?

Okay, I know you've heard,
"you make me wanna unh!"

All day long on the radio, that's all
I hear, even on the white stations.

No, I haven't heard
"you make me wanna unh!"

That's disgusting.

Eh, it's not my thing, but it's
what passes for R&B now, all right?

What can I say? I got teenage daughters.

They're into black guys, so
this is what I got to hear.

What happened to the good old days

when black singers would
dress in high-heel boots

or burn hookers with cr*ck pipes?

You're showing your age, my friend.

Flizzy's in town, doing a show at
woodcrest post pavilion tonight.

I was hoping to go. Now I have an excuse.

♪ You make me wanna unh ♪

♪ Like we havin' sex ♪

♪ Baby, grab your ankles,
you know what's next. ♪

- Granddad, what we got to eat?!
- Rent!

I'm hungry!

Then have sleep for dinner!

You can eat tomorrow.

You're getting fat anyway!

The security-camera
footage you're watching

is allegedly of R&B
superstar Pretty Boy Flizzy

holding up a liquor store in woodcrest.

While it is difficult to
clearly see the suspect's face,

authorities say his
sexiness is an exact match.

This isn't Flizzy's
first run-in with the law.

Last year, he received
four months probation

after b*ating his
then-girlfriend Christianna

live onstage during the Grammys.

I'd just like to apologize to all my
fans for b*ating my hot R&B girlfriend.

I let my fans down.

Without you, I wouldn't even
have an R&B girlfriend to b*at.

A year before that, Flizzy received
a two-year suspended sentence

for smuggling a*t*matic
weapons from Nicaraguan rebels.

I'd just like to apologize to all my fans

for smuggling a*t*matic weapons
from South American death squads.

I make no excuses, other
than it was a really good deal

and they were throwing in
a lot of free amm*nit*on.

Six months ago, Flizzy was arrested

for fighting in the V.I.P. section
of a nightclub with Nicki Minaj.

I'd just like to apologize to all my fans,

for fighting in the V.I.P.
section with Nicki Minaj.

In my defense, I thought she was a
robot sent from the future to k*ll me.

Woodcrest Tea Party Chairman Uncle Ruckus

staged a small protest at the venue today.

Who keeps giving these high-yellow
felons record contracts?!

Oh, oh, it's just a record you say!

Well, white folks, you won't be saying that

when the n*gga that sings
on that record comes to town

and impregnates all the white
women of child-rearing age!

And that is exactly what he plans to do!

Just think of all the
government money and food stamps

that them little mixed-race quadroon
n*gga children will be consuming!

And they consume a whole lot
more than regular children

'cause they eatin' for two races!

Others felt differently.

I don't care what anyone says.

Flizzy can whup my ass anytime!

Come on! b*at it up, fleezy! Whoa!

I want you to get mad
at me, once in awhile, you know?

- If you wouldn't mind...
- Turn that down.

- Now listen, listen. Shh!
- I'm tired of it! It's boring!

- It's boring me to death!
- Sarah, please calm down!

I said I apologize!

There you go again. You're doing it again!

- Doing what?
- Apologizing!

You don't want me to apologize?

No, I don't!

Okay, I'm sorry I'm apologizing.

You did it again!

Sarah, calm down! I'm sorry.

[Bleep] I'm sorry! [Bleep]
[Bleep] I can't stop!

Oh, I swear to God, Tom,

if you apologize again,
you are out of here!

I'm... mm. Okay.

Then just tell me what to do.

That's the problem, Tom!

I don't want to tell you what to do!

I want you to do what I want you to do

but because you want to do it!

What?!

But why not just tell me?!

Because! No woman wakes up and says,

"Gee, I hope my man does
everything I tell him to today."

You're the man, Tom!

Sometimes I want you to dominate!

Take control!

If I'm out of line, put me in check!

Sure, honey. Whatever you say.

- Ohh! Tom!
- Fine! I hear you!

From now on, I'll take control,
and I won't apologize anymore.

Except, wait. You wanted
me to stop apologizing,

so I'm supposed to do the
opposite of that. Right?

Yeah, so then I guess
I will apologize, then...

If that's all right with you.

Sorry?

Get out.

- Now, honey, don't do...
- Get out!

Ow!

Aw, man, here he come!

Riley, hit the lights!

Mm-hmm.

Huey, electronics! Enough is enough.

I'm tired of that henpecked
simp coming over here

every time she throws him out,

screaming like a little bitch.

This time, he can sleep in the yard.

While it is difficult to clearly see
the suspect's face, authorities have...

Please.

It's toilet paper and a pop-tart.

Hey, don't tell my granddad about this.

We not supposed to feed you.

♪ I'm guapped up, crazy Doe ♪

♪ I'm guapped up, crazy hoes ♪

♪ I'm guapped up, crazy Doe ♪

I really don't think it's prudent
to record an attorney meeting.

I'm not recording. This is a live stream.

What's up? Y'all know who it is...

Pretty beezy flee-yeezey-weezy, you know?

I appreciate all the love and
support y'all been sending me

since the whole incident went down.

Never fear. Got big lawyers on the case.

Say what's up to Tom DuBois.

Flizzy, I'm gonna have to
ask you to turn it off, now.

k*ll the camera, B.

I also think these people should leave.

"These people?" [Bleep]
you mean "these people?"

I mean these people.

You mean my people, n*gga! These my people.

Anything you can say to me
you can say in front of them.

If anything, n*gga, you the stranger here.

You should leave the room.

It's my office.

Okay, then, so what's the big
[Bleep] secret that you can't tell me

in front of my fans and my people?

Matter of fact, why am I even here?

You wanted to talk to me
about your criminal case.

Oh, that's right!

I reviewed the case, and I've
watched the security footage.

Cool. So, what do you think?

Can you get me off?

Did you rob the liquor store, Flizzy?

I can't say that... I did it,

but, honestly, really can't
say f'sho one way or the other.

And why can't you say "f'sho"?

I was [Bleep] up!

And how about these...
how about your entourage?

Do they know anything?

They was [Bleep] up, too!

Hey, man, when we go out, we go hard.

You don't understand how
complicated it is being me.

I say [Bleep] all the time
I didn't even know I said.

How?

'Cause I got like 18 people
tweeting for me at one time.

And we're all [Bleep] up!

So, like, I look at the tape and I say,

"is it me, or is it someone I
just paid to rob a liquor store

who looks just like me?"

I don't know.

Okay, I want you to know up front

that I have serious issues with
some of your behavior in the past,

especially hitting a woman.

B-but wait. I knew you was gonna say that.

Can I tell you my side of it, though?

- No, I don't...
- Can I tell you my side of it, though?

No, Flizzy, there's no excuse...

Can I tell you my side of it, though?

Fine, what?

Man, I was [Bleep] up!

Soon as I got arrested, I said,

"I want the dude that got r. Kelly off."

Well, I prosecuted R. Kelly, and I...

Never mind. My answer is almost
certainly no, but... I'll think

about it. If I do take the case,

my retainer is...

My retainer is...

Entertain that.

Please stop throwing money at me.

Things a bitch will never say.

Hey, that's a song!

A'ight, pimpin', I'm-a see you tomorrow.

That singer Pretty Boy
Flizzy came in today.

Pretty Boy Flizzy?

Are you serious?

He's hiring you to defend him
for the liquor-store thing?

Tom, that's huge!

Don't get too excited.

I'm not taking the case.

Why not?

I don't want to defend
a woman-beater, for one.

He made a little tiny mistake.

I guess hitting a woman is okay
if you have abs, is that it?

He's a talented artist.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Slow down.

"Fluid swap"? "Rub against my
erection"? "You make me wanna unh"?

I love "you make me wanna unh!"

Oh, do you think you could get
him to sing at Jazmine's birthday?

No! Do you let her listen to that?

Our problems have been rough on her.

It would be nice to, you know...

What?

Don't you think I know
what's going on here?

What?

This isn't about Jazmine.

You want to meet Pretty Boy Flizzy.

No, Jazmine wants
to meet Pretty Boy Flizzy.

No, you want me to
defend Pretty Boy Flizzy

because you want to meet him

and do him!

What?!

- Yeah! Yeah! You do!
- Oh, this is a new level!

You want to go unh on him!

You want to unh on him all night!

I can't believe how insecure you are!

Listen to yourself.

He's like your perfect man!

He won't even say sorry
when he pounds your face in!

Wait. Wait.

He's not coming this way.
He's getting in his car.

You're a selfish bastard, Robert Freeman!

I just don't think it's
gonna work out, Flizzy.

Why not?

Well, it's not you. It's me.

I'm just dealing with
some personal problems.

Hey, suck that [Bleep] up, my dude!

Come on, Tom!

You know what?

Right now, we're both letting
the haters get us down.

We got to shake the haters.

Do this for me, Tom.

Come on. Shake those haters.

I'm hate-free, but I can
still feel the hate on you.

Mmm. Feels good, doesn't it?

Okay, so... now will you take the case?

No.

Okay, fine. If you can't take
the case, you can't take the case.

It just seems like me...

Sexy, buff alpha male...

And you... Kindhearted
but frumpy everyman...

Could somehow be able to help each other.

Am I a frumpy everyman?

Is that it?!

Is that why she's lost interest?!

Of course. You're dull as [Bleep] Tom!

You dress like
your hair looks like.

You got no flash, no swag,
nothin veneer of toughness.

Of course your wife left you and
is doing it to some random guy.

That's not what I said happened.

So, look... you take the case,

and I teach you how to dress

and how to talk to b*tches
and save your marriage.

You know what? Why not?

You're not gonna teach
me how to dance, right?

No. No dancing.

But there will be a shopping montage.

Two things women hate...

Broke men and boring men.

Good news is, you're not broke.

But you are boring,

and women hate to be bored, Tom.

They hate to be bored.

A woman would rather be with
a guy that beats them to death

than bores them to death.

Trust me, n*gga, I know.

But why do they want me, Tom?

Is it my incredible sexiness?

Sure.

But why am I so sexy?

What is the secret to my sexiness?

My money, my jewels, fame? Absolutely.

But, really, it's because I'm a [Bleep] up.

I get arrested, I do dr*gs,

I rob liquor stores... allegedly!

That's what all women want.

Why?

Because women have no self-respect!

Well, my wife has self-respect.

Really? You sure?

Yes! She's an educated,
well-rounded, confident woman.

I may need to meet her.

No, no, no. No. I know where this goes.

You're not going to do my wife.

Do your wife?

Tom, I wouldn't do your wife.

You have a song called
"I will do your wife!"

I didn't mean your wife!

I meant that metaphorically.

Mm, I still don't think it's a good idea.

n*gga, I swear on my abs...

On my abs, n*gga!

I will not touch your wife.

Well, my daughter would love to meet you.

A small dinner. No entourage!

No problem.

Man, I can't believe all
these people showed up.

Well, maybe if you hadn't tweeted
our address to 3 million people...

Hey, man...

Yeah, you were f'Ed up, I know.

Okay, so, check it.

Key with chicks is to insult
them when you compliment them.

Never be too nice.

Trust me. Go neg on her.

Knock her down a peg.

She'll love it.

Hey, sweetie, you look lovely tonight.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Yeah, but not as nice
as you think you look.

assh*le!

Hey, neighbor!

We, uh, heard there's a
dinner party going down,

and I never received the e-vite,

so here we are.

You didn't get one because
you weren't invited.

You got a lot of nerve
leaving me out in the cold

and then wanting to come to the
Flizzy dinner for the free food.

We didn't come here for the free food.

We came here to warn you.

Tom, you got to get that
Flizzy away from your wife!

It's bad enough she's trapped

in this passionless, sexually
unfulfilling marriage with you.

Her ladyparts probably
burning with unquenchable lust,

and you just gonna dangle all
that sexiness in front of her?!

Huh?

Man, it's like, "here,
n*gga, take my wife, please!"

You know he's got a song called...

"I will do your wife," yes.

But there's also a song
called, "white wifebooty."

Know that?

Really? No, no, I didn't.

And it doesn't matter, guys.

I-I know what I'm doing.

Flizzy's gonna help me
work things out with Sarah.

Oh, he gonna work something out, all right.

That Booty.

He's here to help.

Oh, he gonna help himself to that Booty!

It's under control!

- He's gonna..
- Control that Booty. Got it.

I wasn't gonna say that.

He gonna be under that Booty!

Ha ha! Good one, granddad!

Yeah, ha, yeah, very funny guys. Enough.

As long as you know.

Next time your kids are born
with great abs and tattoos,

don't say I didn't warn you.

Come on, kids. Let's eat.

Oh, my God, Flizzy,

you're so funny and so polite.

I can't believe you rob liquor
stores and you b*at up women.

Sarah!

No, it's cool. She's right.

I really need to stop getting arrested.

I'm not passing judgment
about the Christianna thing.

I know sometimes b*tches step out of line.

Lord knows I do!

Honey, there are children at the table.

Now, I want to be clear, kids...

Hitting a woman is wrong...

Unless she hits you first.

- Ain't that right!
- Wow.

Or she talks about your mama!

Sarah, that is enough!

"Sarah, that's enough."

Sarah, that's it!

You're embarrassing yourself
in front of your daughter

and in front of Pretty Boy Flizzy!

It's like we not even here.

Now, you've had enough.

You are going to go
upstairs and sleep it off!

What are you gonna do, Tom?

Hit me?

No! I'm gonna leave you!

Mwah!

Daddy!

Tom, wait! Tom!

Tom, grew a pair.

Didn't see that coming.

Bitter.

Sorry to bother you.

Didn't really have anyone else to call.

Eh, no sweat, man. That was rough.

Yeah, it was a disaster.

So much for making a man out of me.

Naw, man. To just stand up
and walk out, that took guts.

All I ended up learning is
my wife likes you better.

Your wife doesn't like me better.

You guys are both just boring as [Bleep].

You're rolling with me tonight.

I'm taking you to man camp.

But I don't hang with no
negative-energy-sucking.

So gather up some positivity
in this bitch right quick

and let's roll out.

Okay! I can be positive.

I'm not a loser.

I can... get stuff... happening,

and I got stuff going on!

Things could be worse. I could be that guy.

It's a mirror, Tom.

Tom: Mm [Bleep].

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪
♪ we [beep] strippers ♪

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪
♪ we [beep] strippers ♪

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪
♪ we [beep] strippers ♪

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪
♪ we [beep] strippers ♪

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪
♪ we [beep] strippers ♪

♪ We gettin' [beep] up ♪

Welcome.

Oh, what the heck. It's man camp.

♪ At the club, big tippers ♪

♪ She makin' money ♪

♪ I'm-a still stiff her ♪

♪ Poppin' Molly drinkin' drank ♪

♪ Big trippers, see us buyin' out a bar ♪

♪ That's the big picture ♪

♪ Your man lookin' for his girl ♪

♪ I think he missed her... ♪

Hey, this is the buy-n-fly
that Flizzy robbed.

Funny.

Tylenol?

♪ You know what's next ♪

♪ Girl, I'm on that drank ♪

♪ And you on that Molly ♪

♪ Come back to the crib for the after party ♪

♪ You can bring your friends ♪

♪ Got a lot of time ♪

I'm telling you we've watched
this thing a million times.

We know that's Flizzy.

Case closed.

That's right. Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Cut!

There was a p.A. In the sh*t!

Reset!

Man, I'm getting sweaty.

Pretty's sweaty. Is someone deaf?

Shine check!

Can you throw me a line?

Trying to get my union card.

Find anything, columbo?

Uh, nope! Nothing.

Thanks, Jack.

Mrs. DuBois, do you mind if
we do a quick sound check?

Of course. Go ahead.

Okay, "I'm gonna [Bleep]" on 1, 2, 3...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!

Excuse me just a sec.

You, uh, can't sing
that at Jazmine's party.

Why not?

You don't like it?

No! I love that song. A lot, actually.

We just have to replace
[Bleep] with something. [Bleep]

No, no.

How about "cake"?

Sure thing, Mrs. DuBois.

What's up, tiger?

You faked the robbery.

What are you talking about?

I watched the surveillance tape, Flizzy...

The whole tape.

I know you staged the robbery.

You just couldn't leave
[Beep] alone, could you?

What else was fake? Were
the Nicaraguan g*ns fake?

Did you really even b*at Christianna?

Don't you ever question whether
or not I b*at Christianna!

I whupped that bitch's ass!

But the Nicki Minaj thing was staged.

She ain't really a cyborg, either.

She's a nice girl.

Damn, Tom.

Why couldn't you just
mind your own business?

I'm your attorney!

This is my business!

But why?

'Cause I got to stay relevant! That's why!

This music [Bleep] sucks right now!

You got to act like an idiot just
to stay in their faces!

But if I can stay in just the right
amount of trouble, I'll be all right.

My audience is women, Tom... women.

And women hate to be bored.

Look, Flizzy, I'm sorry.

I don't understand any of this.

I don't live in your world.

I'm a simple guy.

I just want to do my job,
take care of my family,

and I needed some help
trying to get my wife back.

Oh, you want your wife back?

How about not inviting a
n*gga that's richer than you

and prettier than you to meet your wife?

I mean, how stupid can you be, n*gga?

What? But I-I thought we were...

Thought what, n*gga?!

I'm tired of your punk-ass!

Flizzy, I think you should just leave.

[Bleep] Leave? I might as
well move in this bitch.

You already done gave me your wife.

[Bleep] This is my house!

Jazmine's gonna be calling
me daddy from now on.

Now, that's enough!

Oh, you mad, Tom? What you gonna do?

You want to hit me? Hit me, Tom!

Hey!

Flizzy, I'm warning you...

Hit me, Tom. Come on, hit me now!

All right, you asked for it!

Tom!

Come on [Bleep], aah!

You're not taking my family!

Tom! Oh, my God! Tom, stop!

Oh! I knew it! I knew it!

Citizen's arrest!

I'm making a citizen's arrest!

Now shut up! Stop squirming!

You have the right to remain silent!

Oh! Baby, are you okay?!

I can't believe you did that.

You were a maniac! I have
never seen you like that.

All right, get moving, get moving.

Avert your eyes, avert your eyes.

Just a n*gga going to
jail. Nothing to see here.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I was such a bitch, and you
didn't deserve any of that.

Yes. Yes, you were a... "B."

Please come home. Please.

I have cake.

Let's get you upstairs.

You ready for some Sarah cake?

Naughty!

Oh, my back!

Oh! I'm sorry.

♪ Yeah. I wanna do your wife ♪

♪ I wanna do your wife ♪

♪ Do your wife ♪

♪ Do your wife ♪

♪ I wanna do your wife ♪

♪ 'Cause you a broke ♪

♪ And you don't even know how to no ♪

♪ You don't even cheat on her ♪

♪ She gettin' bored 'cause you
don't even b*at on her ♪

Next mondy on "The Boondocks"...

Grandad is broke busted.

How bad is it?

We have no money?

Worse.

Worse? What's worse than no money?

- We are in debt.
- Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

Question is, Robert,
what are you doing here?

You thought you could pay off
your mortgage by food stamps?
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