01x03 - Guess Hoe's Coming to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

: I am not a prophet.

But sometimes I have prophetic dreams.

Like the one where I was at a garden party.

Excuse me.

Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make.

Jesus was black,
Ronald Reagan was the devil,

and the government
is lyin' about /.

Thank you for your time and good night.

No!

That can't be true!

: My grandfather,

: Here's something

black people have known

Robert Jebediah Freeman,

after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps,

for a couple of hundred years:

n*gg*s are crazy.

Black people don't like to talk about crazy n*gg*s in public

decided to spend his last days

Unhand me!

in the warm embrace of suburbia.

'cause white people may be listening.

Hi-ya!

So he moved to his perfect house

But I'm afraid the secret might be out.

in his perfect neighborhood.

MAN:
He's on fire!

: Former singer Whitney Houston

appeared in court

Somebody get some water.

But he was still searching for his perfect woman.

alongside husband Bobby Brown,

Ow!

who's facing battery charges

For what reason, I have no idea.

Mm-hm. You havin' that dream
where you made

for allegedly b*ating his once-respectable wife.

the white people riot,
weren't ya?

But I was tellin' the truth!

Hell to nah! Bobby don't hit me.

How many times have I told you,
you better not even dream

See, we have this TV show, a-and it's-- It's our TV show.

BOY:
I want candy!

about tellin' white folk
the truth?

And I was tryin' to get more time on it.

Damn it, I hate you!

You understand me?

It's my show, bitch!

sh**t.

You're ruining my life, bitch!
WOMAN: Please, Herbert,

Makin' white people riot.

remember our agreement.
Candy! I want candy!

You know,
I think they're on dr*gs.

You better learn
how to lie like me.

Give me candy!

I'm gonna find me a white man
and lie to him right now.

Let's see what's on BET.

Give me candy!
I want candy!

Oh, Lordy-Lord.
Oh, shake it to the right.

Mm. Shake it,
shake it, shake.

I want candy and marshmallows!

You boys cover your eyes.
Shake, shake, shake.

Give it to me!

Got to leave something
to the imagination.

Give it to me!
Herbert-- Oh!

And I want pasta!

Hm, he sure looks
like a handful.

That's just showin'
too much booty. Turn it.

And on our "Talking Points" this evening,

When he gets like this,

I just don't know how
to make him stop.

it seems like the hip-hop community

I want candy
and marshmallows!

is trading in their gold chains

Have you ever tried
beatin' his ass?

for gold showers.

Hip-hop singer R. Kelly is on trial again this week

HERBERT:
What's with the belt?

for sharing some of his liquid bling

with yet another underage girl.

Some advice for Mr. Kelly:

Next time, use a golden shower curtain

:
The nerve of you...

and keep your golden showers to yourself.

In front of these people...

What's wrong with a man
giving away a golden shower?

You must have lost
your g*dd*mn mind!

Sounds like
a nice gift to me.

HERBERT:
Mom, stop!

Not many men would stop
to help a woman in need.

What? sh**t, I wish somebody
gave me a golden shower.

One, I like gold.
Two, I like showers.

Well, uh--

Put it together, hey,
that sound like the life.

I guess I just hate to see
a child go unbeaten.

Hoo!

If you're good,

Sorry, Billy Blanks,
but why buy the tape

I'm Cristal,
like the champagne.

Santa Claus might give you
a golden shower for Christmas.

when you can get
the infomercial for free?

I'm Granddad.

Whew!

Christmas?

My man Santa.

Hello, cutie.

Yeah...

And controversial R & B superstar R. Kelly

I'd rather not.

will be heading into court tomorrow

My name's Cristal,
like the champagne.

What the hell?

for the first day of his latest highly anticipated trial

Well, that sounds
like a stripper name.

Boys!

for child p*rn

Cristal, like the champagne,
might you be a stripper?

and lewd acts with a local minor.

Granddad, can you take us
into the city tomorrow

Would one of y'all like
to explain this?

And just what do you know
about strippers, little man?

Uh...

to watch the R. Kelly trial?

Not much, but I do know they're
usually named after liquor.

You mean, the orange juice
or the miniskirt?

Hell, no.

But you can walk.

Which one of y'all drank
the last glass of orange juice?

It's miles.

That's the last full day's
supply of vitamin C.

All the money I spent
on them damn Nikes?

I just love grocery stores
in rich neighborhoods.

Heh. You better
"just do it."

What am I supposed to do
about my vitamin C now?

Assistant District Attorney Thomas DuBois

Much better stuff.

Y'all need to start
appreciatin' your granddaddy.

is leading the prosecution of Kelly

I went and spent
your inheritance

and has a mountain of evidence

on this beautiful house
in this neighborhood.

Check out this special
French whipped cream.

against the famous R & B performer,

including a videotape allegedly showing Kelly

And all I ask you to do

is act like you got some class.

Mm.

Hey, what's class?

urinating on a -year-old girl,

Mm.
CRISTAL: Mm.

It means don't act
like n*gg*s.

GRANDDAD: Mm-hm.
Mm.

which is widely available for download

S-see? That's what
I'm talkin' about right there.

at www.FreeToPee.com.
Ooh.

It's edible.

We don't use the N-word
in this house.

GRANDDAD:
Whipped cream, teddy bear...

Granddad, you said the word
"n*gga" times yesterday.

I'm gonna go, uh...

I counted.

check my e-mail.

GRANDDAD:
Mm, mm, mm.

n*gga, hush.

Now, you may not like it,

Yeah.

but I moved y'all out here

GRANDDAD:
Somebody's busy.

to expand your horizon.

Get your little short ass
back here!

One hundred fifty-three dollars
and cents is your total.

There's a new white man
out here.

Will this be cash or charge?

He's refined.

For example, did you know

that the new white man
loves gourmet cheese?

TOM:
Hey, boys!

Wait.

You're such a gentleman.

I'm sorry,
did you say cheese?

You didn't have to carry
all my bags.

Yep, cheese.

Hey there, Huey.
Riley.

It's my pleasure, Cristal,
like the champagne.

You give the meanest white man
a piece of cheese,

I couldn't help
but notice your sign,

and I hope you boys
aren't too upset about me

and he turn into Mr. Rogers.

having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.

Well, see you around.

Granddad,
that doesn't make sense.

Don't you talk back to me.

Hey, man, you do
what you gotta do.

Granddad, you can't tame

Why R. Kelly, huh?
What did R. Kelly do to you?

the white supremacist
power structure with cheese!

Oh, yes, I can!
No, you can't!

He's accused
of relieving himself

GRANDDAD: Yes, I can!
No, you can not!

on an underage girl
on tape,

I don't--

HUEY:
Cheese.

which is
against the law.

How can somebody that old

Okay, okay, okay.

say somethin' that stupid?

I mean,
I don't know if--

But let's examine
this whole peein' thing.

Would you like a date?

RILEY:
I know about white people too.

Like, when they talk,

So I can pee in a toilet,
and it's okay,

It just so happen I have coupons
for the Red Lobster, cutie pie.

they say the whole word,

like this.

but if I pee on a person,
it's, like, not okay?

Um...okay.

Well...yeah.

HUEY:
Why'd he even move us

out here?

Well, what if I'm peein',
and Huey's in the bathroom,

Probably did it
just to make us miserable.

and I accidentally pee
on Huey?

RILEY:
And white people take time out

to study.

Should I go to jail?

You do realize that
light-skinned ho was a ho,

What the hell would I be
doin' in the bathroom

I hate this place.

while you're
in the bathroom?

right, Granddad?

RILEY: And white people arrest you.

Hold up, hold up.

Don't cuss, boy.
Now, watch your mouth.

Remember when we used
to sleep in the same bed

Man.

I didn't cuss.
I said ho.

when we was littler?

Don't think because I'm driving,
I can't come back there.

From time to time,
I'd have a little accident.

I don't see
what the big deal is,

RILEY:
Hey!

You still do.
Shut up.

just sayin' "ho."

So, Mr. DuBois,

Ow! You smackin' me!
Granddad, stop.

Looks like the feds.

Mr. "I Wanna Lock n*gg*s Up
for Peein',"

GRANDDAD:
Didn't I tell you

to watch your mouth?

Granddad!

what's the statute of
limitations on bed-wettin'?

Riley, stop,
or we are going to die!

Why not prosecute me and
R. Kelly at the same time, huh?

Now, Riley, no one's
going to prosecute you

Who the hell could be
knockin' on this door

Now, I bet you won't
say it again.

this early in the mornin'?

for bed-wetting.

And you shouldn't.

If it's a Jehovah Witness,
I'm kickin' his ass.

It's a natural bodily function.

Yes?

Ho.

I'm looking for Robert Freeman.

And now every n*gga in the world
gonna be scared to pee.

Oh, I got your ho!
HUEY: Watch the road.

Watch the road, Granddad!

I'm Robert Freeman.

I may never pee again!

I'm Ed Wuncler.

Riley,
it was a little girl!

HUEY:
Granddad, have you

asked yourself

From Wuncler's
Savings and Loan.

Oh, I seen that girl.
She ain't little.

why a -year-old girl
would want to go out

with a man your age?

Uh, so?

I'm little.
Yes.

Because I laid my game
down quite flat.

I own the bank
that owns your house.

Gary Coleman's little.
Yes.

Mini-Me is little.
Very.

Game?

What you know
about the game, Granddad?

Oh, well--

And to the best
of my knowledge,

Come in, sir.

I know the game.

Welcome to your house.

we all managed to avoid
gettin' peed on so far.

Takin' women
out to eat?

But what about the victim?

Givin' 'em free meals?
What part of the game is that?

Oh, yes, the victim.

You takin' her to Red Lobster
with the cheddar biscuits.

Robert, my family founded
Woodcrest over years ago.

At what point does
personal responsibility

The fam ain't eatin'
cheddar biscuits,

become a factor
in this equation?

but this random broad
is eatin' cheddar biscuits.

I don't think that--

I was born here,
and I still live here.

I see piss comin',
I move.

Mm.

I know the game.
Your granddaddy knows the game.

She saw piss comin',
she stayed.

I consider this place
to be family,

Yes, she did,
but--

Game recognize game,
Granddad.

And why should I have
to miss out

on the next R. Kelly album
just for that?

I recognize game.
Your granddaddy recognize game.

and I'm very selective

about who I allow
in to that family.

Man, you just got b*at
by an -year-old.

Game recognize game,

and you lookin'
kinda unfamiliar right now.

You understand
what I'm saying, Robert?

And if R. Kelly goes to jail,
I'll piss on your cat!

Hey, yes,
I totally understand.

I-- I can't-- Where's Granddad?
Can I help you, sir?

Would you like some...

cheese?

I ain't got time to mess
around with y'all.

Did you just offer me cheese?

I got a date.
Get out the way.

Yes, I did.

RUCKUS:
I tell you,

RILEY:
Don't do it, Granddad!

it sure is beautiful out here.

I'd love some cheese, thank you.

White folks sure know
how to make some nice foliage.

Don't feed her!

Hm.

GRANDDAD:
Come on, now, stop.

Riley!

Get off my leg.
RILEY : Don't feed her

Ah, come on, Ruckus.

Go get the fancy cheese.

Don't try to pull me back.
the cheddar biscuits!

I'd like to ask some questions,
if you don't mind.

You can't give the white man
credit for the trees.

What the hell? Get off me,
boy. What's wrong with you?

Where them two little
nappy-headed grandkids of yours?

Are you gay, and if so,
do you have a gay lover

Mm.

living with you
in the house?

Ah, they went into the city

Oh, God.

to watch the trial
of that singer.

Mm, mm.

Oh, right, right.

Gay? No, I'm not gay.

That black sumbitch
that supposed to have had

These cheddar biscuits
are so good,

urinal relations with
that underage colored gal.

I mean, I happen to think
a man looks nice

they just melt in your mouth.

with good hair and a ponytail.

Thank you for the meal.

Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis
marry a -year-old baby?

But, no, mm-mm, I'm not gay.

It was very romantic,

What's your position
on gay marriage?

You can't compare
a chocolate monkey like R. Kelly

like Sex and the City
or somethin'.

Wow. I have never seen
a woman eat like that.

Well, first of all,

to Jerry Lee Lewis!

I believe all marriage
is wrong.

Jerry Lee Lewis
is the king of rock 'n' roll!

Or a man, actually.

Great balls of fire!

You should bring some home
for the boys.

Good one, good.

Besides,
that situation was different.

I don't know. If you feed 'em,
they'll never leave.

Uh, you don't look
like you associate

Oh, stop.
They're so cute.

That was family.

with any Muslims,
Arabs, you know.

You must love
having them around.

MAN:
We're here

at the R. Kelly trial,

People of t*rror1st descent?

Well, not really, but--

where there are
a handful of angry protesters

Uh, well...

making their voices heard.

You should let me
baby-sit sometimes.

These are scholars, activists,

RILEY:
We got Kraft,

and we got Velveeta.

pillars of
the African-American community,

Doggy bag?

A doggy bag is bucks,
a tea bag is ,

and they are outraged.

And we're just going
to head over here

but I'll have to ask you
to excuse me right now.

Your grandson?

to the R. Kelly supporters,

See, I'm kind of,
you know, on a real date.

Afraid so. Ahem.

where it's quite
the festive event.

And you are?
Hey!

You know, I have a grandson too.
He's--

Now, why did you come out here
to support R. Kelly?

HUEY: You know, now that I think

about it,

Is that right?

'Cause he good!

I don't ever remember seein' Granddad with a woman.

Well, heh-heh-heh,

And what about those protesters
over there

this has been delightful.

There was a time, when I was three,

Well, it's really been
a pleasure, Mr., uh--

who say he's crossed the line?

when I thought he was gay,

Mm.

but now, I think it's
just bad luck.

I-Own-Everything.

Man, f*ck them literate-ass,
uppity n*gg*s.

We should get together soon

Well, I don't see what the big
deal is with ho's, anyway.

and have, uh...
more cheese.

All they talk about
is readin' and eatin' right.

Riley, all women
are not ho's.

Like a nice Brie
or a G-Gouda--

Nobody wanna hear
all that sh*t.

G-Gayda-- Gouda.

If I wanna get
high blood pressure, then--

We're talkin' ,
percent, tops.

Heh. You know, you're
my kind of guy, Freeman.

n*gga, get the carrot
away from me!

Old school.

If I wanna get
high blood pressure,

Okay, but if they not
all ho's,

then damn it,
that's my business!

then why I got to pay
to take 'em out to eat, then?

What are you doin' tomorrow?

We're throwin' a garden party

Let's talk to another
R. Kelly supporter.

for my grandson.

I mean, I'm payin'.
That's payment.

Uh, you there,
urban youth.

He just got back from Iraq.

Why do you think
R. Kelly is innocent?

Uh, I don't know.
'Cause that's just what you do.

You should stop by,
meet some of the neighbors.

If I started peein'
on you right now,

You meet a girl,
you take her out to dinner,

Bring the kids.

would you, A,
smile and ask for more,

but you're not payin' the girl.

Sounds like a splendid idea.

or B, move the hell
out the way?

You're payin' the restaurant.

I'll see you tomorrow.

But before you answer that,
let me ask America:

Uh, thanks for stoppin' by.

Cheers.

But I'm payin',
which makes her a ho.

Has pee ever
really hurt anybody?

Why don't I just give her
the money

And I wanna give a big shout-out
to my homey,

I was gonna spend on dinner

Huey!

and that ho can go
grocery shoppin'.

GRANDDAD:
This damn thing looks real.

D-Bone, whassup?!

Can I have my g*n back?

Okay, that's enough.

Oof.

And what do you do again?

Get off me!

Son of a--!

Get off me, Huey!

I'm in, uh-- Sales.

GRANDDAD:
A garden party?

Free R. Kelly!

Yeah, boy.

Hey, yo, yo, yo! Look!
Free R. Kelly!

I might buy sandals
and new underwear.

You could call it sales.

Those R. Kelly haters
are oppressin' that little boy!

Oh, you sh*t me!

I don't really like
to talk about work.

RILEY:
Free R. Kelly!

Granddad tried
to assassinate me.

I'm not really fulfilled
at my job.

Free-- Argh!

Why not?

Boy, what did I tell ya?
This is the new white man.

Well, the hours
are pretty long,

MAN:
Get out of here, y'all.

the boss is a real jerk,
and the clients--

He's distinguished.

MAN :
We know what we talkin' about.

Ugh, don't get me
started on the clients.

Granddad, I do not sip tea
with the enemy.

MAN : Get 'em!
WOMAN: You want a piece of me?

Oh, damn.
So why do you do it?

You could force me to go,

Aaaahhh!

Mm, basically I'm in
a transitional period.

but you cannot force me
to be someone I'm not.

Like last year,

The hell I can't!

people said
I should be a model,

but you gotta
go get the pictures taken

You gonna go and you're
not gonna embarrass me

I knew it would be
just a matter of time

and do that whole thing.

in front of my new neighbors,
or I'm gonna b*at your ass.

before v*olence broke out.

Seemed like a lot of work.

Why can't we be ourselves, huh?
Why can't I be me?

It's pandemonium here
at the R. Kelly trial.

Yeah, taking pictures
can be tough.

And then I wanted
to be a chef,

Are you ashamed of us?
Very.

Oh, the humanity!

but can you believe they want
you to go to school for that?

We never asked
to move here

with your precious
new white people, Granddad.

I wish I could find a man,

who could swoop in
like a superhero,

Didn't ask?

Well, you didn't ask for us

and save me from,
you know, work.

to be att*cked
by dogs and fire hoses,

so you can live here,
but we did it anyway.

Oh, here he go again with
the dogs and the fire hoses.

Kind of like
a Captain Save-A-Me.

sh**t, we were att*cked
by dogs and fire hoses.

Do you know
where I can buy a cape?

Were you att*cked?

Mr. Kelly!
Mr. Kelly!

Ooh.
Damn.

Do you have
a statement?

Whoa.
Wow.

I-I don't know what difference
that makes.

This is truly
an example

Because it's like
the whole generation

of black people
stickin' together.

In the words of Sister Souljah,

That's how it starts,
you know.

tries to take credit for
what happened to some people.

"An injustice anywhere
is an injustice...

Takin' b*tches out to eat,

That's ridiculous.

meals and whatnot.

anywhere."

Next thing you know,

Now, see--
Well, you know--

Amen.

Uh, what had happened was...

you wake up
in a rest haven for ho's.

A sanctuary for scandalous
skeezers and stunts.

MAN:
Get out of here.

Go, go, go!

MAN:
Come on, get out of here.

You're jumpin' to conclusions.
It's just a date.

What did O.J. Simpson say
to Kobe after his case was over?

Aw, man.

What's that?

What if he marries her?

I missed it.
Was it bad?

Don't let this whole trial thing

What if we end up
with a ho for a grandma?

Did they do the thing
with the fire hoses?

turn you off to white women.

Riley,
shut your dumb ass up.

What do you think, chump?

That's funny on so many levels.

What if we have a ho
for a grandma,

Damn, what's eatin' you?

and she comes to school
on career day?

A g*dd*mn German shepherd,
that's what.

Lord, I just wish they would
let me on that jury, boy.

Ooh, what if
they have kids?

Where was you?

I-I had to go back
to the apartment

We'd have a brother
or sister that's half ho.

'cause I forgot
my raincoat.

Thank God for the white man's
court of law.

Riley!

You went to--? You--?

This n*gga went to get
a motherfuckin' raincoat.

It's the only way to keep these
crazy n*gg*s under control.

CRISTAL:
This is your home?

It's beautiful.

I can't believe you.

We all been watchin'
the same news.

Well, that
and pepper spray.

Hey, boys.

The police been doin'
this fire hose thing all week.

You know,
I sat on a jury one time.

I love this place.
I never want to leave.

I just assumed
we'd all wear our raincoat.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Damn it, Robert.

Is there anything to eat?

Who the hell comes
to a march with a raincoat?

It was in ,
back in Tennessee.

Bet you wish
you had a coat now.

You son of a bitch!

Now, the defendant was accused

HUEY: I didn't want

to believe Riley.

GRANDDAD:
Remember what Dr. King said!

of sh**t' three little white women

I wanted Granddad to have finally found love in his life.

with a Winchester r*fle from about yards away.

Who actually got hit with
the fire hose ain't important.

But I've never been one to ignore the obvious.

Now, we goin' to this party,

and your black asses
are gonna behave.

See, now, he thought he was gonna get off

Granddad was tryin' to turn a ho into a housewife.

with that old "I'm blind" excuse,

If I'm lucky, I'll find myself
a nice white woman

CRISTAL:
Come on, Granddad.

but, oh, boy, he had another thing comin'.

GRANDDAD:
What you talkin' about?

Hey, you just wait a minute.
Uh-huh.

with a flat booty
who'll listen to my problems.

JUDGE:
The jury will now go off

and deliberate on--

Guilty!

That n*gga is guilty!

Sir, settle down.
You have to go deliberate.

I don't need to deliberate.
Hang that n*gga now!

GRANDDAD:
Now, the word for the day

is "behave."

H-E-A-V-E.

I got the rope right here!

Behave.

I'm comin', I'm comin'.

Excuse me. Out of the way,
Kunta Kinte! Yes, sir.

King me.

How can I help ya?

GRANDDAD:
Excuse me?

TOM:
Lady Liberty is on our side.

Justice will prevail.

Oh, Lord have mercy.
Security. Security.

The judge and jury
will do the right thing.

We got a Code Black.

I'm telling you, Huey,
it's an open-and-shut case.

Code Black at the main gate.

: ■ Ruckus, what the hell

Mr. DuBois,
are you fully aware

is a Code Black?

the extent to which
n*gg*s love R. Kelly?

There are some hungry-lookin'

n*gg*s at the front gate.

Oh, Huey,
it's under control.

What y'all doin' here?

Deliveries are in the back.

Watch me work.

Well, my name is Robert Freeman,

I was invited here
by Ed Wuncler.

Well, I'm Ruckus.
Uncle Ruckus, no relation.

And I work for Mr. Wuncler.

And you slick n*gg*s

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

ain't gonna fast-talk your way
into this here party.

not only will we prove
it is Mr. Kelly in the video,

Ruckus, what the hell
are you doing?

we will prove
that the victim was

Uh, Mr. Freeman,

CRISTAL:
What's up now?

I'm sorry.
Please, come this way.

Why you keep doin'
the same move?

at the time
the video was sh*t.

Where your game at?
Where your game at?

Thank you, Mr. DuBois.

GRANDDAD:
See, boys?

And you thought we'd be
the only black people.

And now we'll have
the opening statement

My X button ain't working.

for the defense.

Whatever, n*gga.

ATTORNEY:
The ancient Greeks,

Hey, look,
I'm pressin' it.

the architects
of Western civilization,

You see me pressin' it.
You cheatin'.

would regularly indulge
in sexual activities

Bitch,
your game is garbage.

with children.

I'm Cristal, bitch.
Who's next?

Were they...perverts?

Fake-ass Mariah Carey!

In Puritan America,

the forefathers
of this great land

would take wives
who were or years old,

That's how nasty
my game is, son.

I send n*gg*s runnin' away.

much younger
than the alleged victim.

What?

Were they...sickos?

Ah.

A full day's supply
of vitamin C.

In Tokyo, you can buy
teenage girls' panties

in vending machines.

Do we call them...

"disgusting"?

Of course not!

What do all those things
have to do with Robert Kelly?

Nothing.

Let's get to the point.

Granddad, that woman
has got to go.

Now, some people see
this so-called "mountain"

Miss Cristal
is my beautiful baby-boo,

WUNCLER:
Robert!

of evidence,

these "videotapes,"
"photographs,"

and you will
show her some respect.

Glad you made it, Robert.
This is my grandson, Ed III.

"eyewitnesses" and "DNA,"

Granddad, we don't know anything
about Miss Cristal.

How are you?

Whassup y'all, what's good?

I mean, we know she spends
all your money.

and see a guilty man.

Uh...so I understand
you just got back from Iraq.

But some of us can see
that "mountain"

We know she eats more
than a black hole.

We know she cheat
at PlayStation!

For real?

Yo, what's it like?

What's it like?

of so-called "evidence"

But where does she live?
What does she do for a living?

What I supposed
to say to that?

for what it really is:

It was cool, there was b*tches?

She's in sales.

racism.

Pfft. Ho sales.

What?

Okay, there was b*tches,
but a lot of them had,

MAN:
Oh, he said it right there.

Granddad, does she duck
under the table

you know, they was covered up

every time a dude
in a purple suit walks in?

in them curtains and stuff
they be wearin'.

But I digress.

It was w*r!

Which one was the one
that got caught

with that homely,
little white gal?

It was w*r, basically.

Kobe.

w*r, you know what that's like?

Right.

m*therf*ckers be,
like, sh**t':

Now, I know exactly
what happened to Kobe.

Kobe caught
that white fever.

Uh, a lot of people
do that.

Bombs blowin' up.

White fever will get
in your blood, man.

Can she run really, really,
really fast in high heels?

And, you know,
the sh*t scared me.

It'll make you crazy.

It scared the sh*t out of me.

Matter of fact, I sh*t on myself
over a dozen times

And you know they got them
short, little skirts nowadays

I don't know.
Average speed, I guess.

and that, uh-- What--?
What they call them?

and ran out of toilet paper
after the second time.

Race you to the car.

The--? The--? The tongs?

So you know
what that meant, right?

Thongs.

Okay.

Yeah, right.

They got the thongs
all up the booty cr*ck,

I had to use the thumb, man.
It was kind of nasty.

and they got
that sweet white nectar.

Hm.

But, you know,
the good thing about it

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Maybe, uh...
Little...above average.

was they stopped taking me
out on patrol.

And after that, it's over.

'Cause my name
became "Stink b*mb."

Does she keep askin'
if you're a cop?

You wake up, and you don't
even know what you darn done.

You know what I'm sayin'?

No.

They said, you know,
I was giving away our position

You know, you have
to tell me if you're a cop,

Just a pool of sweat
around your ankles

because of the sh*t smell.

or it's entrapment.

That was fine with me,
you know what I'm sayin'.

and a deep sense
of satisfaction.

Mm.

They-- They wanted
to leave me back.

CRISTAL:
My cute boys.

Gimme a minute, Robert.

And I was like:
"Well, f*ck y'all.

You look like you need
to take five.

"Y'all go ahead on 'cause
I don't need y'all anyway.

You boys don't know Cristal
like I do.

I'm rich, bitch."

Mm-hm. Yeah, sure.

She's a wonderful woman.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

She's in my heart.
She's in my soul.

I present to you
the R. Kelly tape.

I just want to be
her everything.

The f*ck y'all looking at?

Hey, li'l man.

And for your information,
children,

I warn you, it is graphic.

I had relations
with Cristal last night.

Like g*ns?

Yeah!

RILEY:
Yeah!

Ew, come on, Granddad!
Oh, God, please!

C'mon.

Come on, let's get that drink.

Why would you share that?
That's nasty.

How am I supposed to have
nice dreams tonight, man?

And she didn't charge me
a dime.

Mm.

You ready to go
shoppin' again?

MAN: Oh. Oh, my...
WOMAN: Oh, my...

You betcha.

MAN:
Well, you should definitely see

The Passion.

It's a very important movie.

MAN : No, he didn't.

Couldn't see it.
White Jesus.

Excuse me?

Objection! We can't even
see his face clearly.

Come on, man.

It's supposed to be
all historically accurate,

MAN :
Man, he got freckles

and everything.

and they still have
a white man

That proves nothing!

playin' Jesus?

That's some old bullshit.

Young man,
you speak so well.

Hello? Yes, this
is Robert Kelly.

Hey, Huey.

Yes, the singer.

Okay, Cristal,
I think we need to talk.

You want
my Social Security number?

Sure,
it's --.

RUCKUS:
Well,

Before you start,

la-di-da-di-do.

I just want to tell you
how much fun it's been

Look like we got us
the winner

Okay. God bless.

hangin' out with you guys.

of the Lucky-n*gga-of-the-Year
award.

Well, um...

Think of me as the big sister
you always wanted.

Don't take this
the wrong way, but...

Ah.

Now, young lady,

They must think
the sun shine out your ass.

I know this might be hard
to talk about.

I need you to get
the hell up outta here.

No, it's cool.

Any particular reason?

Mr. Wuncler's
been very nice, yes.

You're kind of a lazy ho?

How old were you when
you were seeing Mr. Kelly?

Yeah, I can see that.

They must think you
Sidney f*cking Poitier.

I don't know why
my granddad can't see it.

Mm, and a quarter.

Well,

Wow. That's a great age,
isn't it?

I been workin'
for Mr. Wuncler for years.

To be honest, me either.
It's so obvious.

Still learning so much
about the world.

I ain't never got invited
to the party.

But it's okay because, see,

sh**t, he don't even let me
use the front door.

Whatever.
I guess.

I'm in this transitional
period--

Ah, ah, ah, I don't care.
You gotta go.

Could you describe
the events leading up

But you wouldn't know
about that,

now, would ya, Mr. Tibbs?

to the sh**ting
of the video?

Yeah. He asked
if he could pee on me,

and I said, "Fo' sho'."

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's R. Kelly,
the Pied Piper of R & B.

They must think
your sh*t smell

I can't do that.

I'm sorry?

like spring daisies
and cinnamon.

I been peed on by guys that
don't even have record deals.

You guys have the life.

And I want the life too.

sh*t, if I didn't want
to get peed on,

Yeah, but it's our life.
We're his family.

Check this out.

I'd just move out the way.

Wow.

RILEY: Ha! I told you!

Are those real?

Oh, so now, we get
to what this is really about.

Order!

Would you describe yourself

Real?

as an African-American woman?

I'm not one of y'all.
I'm not in the family.

Put it this way:

if I pick one up
and put it to your face,

n*gga, you blind?

I don't carry his genes,
so I have to go?

Uh, yeah.
Plus, you're a lazy ho.

pull the trigger,
will you be dead?

No, I'm not.

So it's safe to say
that R. Kelly is...

Ugh,
ho is a strong term.

sexually attracted
to black women, right?

Right now, I'm somewhere between
anatomical sales associate

HUEY:
And all I'm saying is,

Mm-hm.

Ronald Reagan was the devil.

Objection, relevance!

and high-maintenance girlfriend.

You are such
an articulate young man.

Your Honor, I'm trying
to establish to the court

Can't you be positive
about my growth?

Cristal, every part of you
bein' here is unacceptable.

that my client
is a proud black man

I'm tryin' to explain to you

Do you realize
I'm doin' prost*tute laundry?

that Ronald Reagan was
the devil.

who loves his black sistas,

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Do you have any idea
how disgusting that is?

Each of his names
has six letters.

unlike District Attorney DuBois,

Six-six-six.

Look, this is an adjustment
for everyone,

who's married...

Man, doesn't
that offend you?

to a white woman!

I love this kid.

but it's what
your grandfather wants.

Stop that.
What are you doin'?

You can't get rid of me.

I can do things to persuade
your granddad that you can't do.

Stop clappin'.

Damn.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Having a good time, Robert?

Like what?

Never mind,
I don't really wanna know.

I-It's, uh...

Come on,
have a drink with me.

Now, I've listened
to your black ass

You look nervous.

talk all day about how much
you can't stand black folks.

Do I make you nervous,
Free-man?

Ain't two of 'em
in the history of the world

Bye, Granddaddy.

I'll be back in a few.

that's worth
a squirrel fart.

HUEY: Cristal was right.

Nervous? No.

Well, how much
you love white folks?

I was going about this the wrong way.

I was just, uh, keepin' an eye
out for the boys.

Best thing the good Lord
ever did for the planet Earth.

Granddad needed to see the truth for himself.

This is a lovely party.

Ruckus, you black
as the ace of spades, man.

The only joy
I get from these parties

I don't see the need for you
to go and insult a man

is standing around,
telling mean-spirited jokes

after a game of Checkers.

We been reminiscin' all day,
lookin' in each other's eyes,

at other people's expense.

I do that too.

actin' like we like each other.

Check out that guy.

Now, you gotta go ahead
and remind me of my ailment.

Why is his face
all twisted up like that?

Ailment?
That's right.

You heard of vitiligo?

Looks like he jacks off
with Icy Hot.

sh**t!
Well, I got re-vitiligo.

Every year my skin just seem
to get blacker and darker

He looks like
he just sh*t a gerbil.

and blacker
and then more darker. Huh.

It's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson got.

A gerbil.

Lucky bastard.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Ruckus, how could you possibly
love white people so much?

HUEY:
Tell me this,

It's easy. Have you
ever looked at 'em?

why was all the video recordin'

White man is just a joy
to be around.

of the Pentagon att*ck
seized by the FBI

They smell like lemon juice
and Pledge furniture cleaner.

and never seen again?

He speaks so well.

He's adorable.

And look at 'em.
They gave us discipline, jobs,

Are you even listenin'

to what I'm sayin'?

put structure in our life,
took us out the jungle.

n*gga, if you ruin
this party for me,

I'll put my--
Ruin the party? They love me.

And what we do
to show our appreciation?

These people aren't worried
about us.

We march up and down the street.

They're not worried
about anything. They're rich.

We vote. Carry on.

No matter what happens,

Ingrates.

these people will
just keep applaudin'.

Well, how about this?

Game.

: Ahem. Attention please.

My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation.

n*gga.

ATTORNEY:
I'm going to show you

Cutie pie,
what is this?

I want to sing y'all a brand
new song I just wrote called:

something they don't
want you to see.

Something that will
blow this case wide open.

That's not me.

"Don't Trust Them New n*gg*s
Over There."

I can't believe you would
digitally alter pictures of me.

Sing along
if you know the words.

This is R. Kelly's NAACP Image
Award Certificate of Nomination.

Boy, that ain't nothin'
but Photoshop.

Get that outta here.

Hey, man,

Over there

you got his card?

Why don't they like me?

He's good.

I try...

In the air

Did you wash
your hands?

so hard with them.

You think they nominate
just anyone

Nappy-head n*gg*s

for this award?
MAN: I got one!

Aw, there, there.

You know why he wants
to put R. Kelly in jail?

Haven't I done enough
for you two?

MAN: Why?
Because he's

afraid of R. Kelly.

Y'all don't know
what it's like to be old.

Over there

MAN: Oh.
Objection!

To know you don't have
many days left.

Shhh! Would you be quiet?

Are you sure that vest'll stop
this shotgun?

MAN: Shush.
I think he's afraid.

Cristal makes me happy.

I think the whole system
is afraid of R. Kelly.

Why would you want
to take that away from me?

Man, I'm like the Terminator
in this vest.

Your Honor, please!

If you don't shut up--

They're afraid because
they see the power for good

RUCKUS:

that this man wields
through his music.

RILEY:
It's a n*gga

in a purple suit.

What? You don't believe me?

Yes, they do.
MAN: Mm-hm.

Go ahead!

They don't want
R. Kelly to be free

Pull the trigger.

because they don't want you
to be free!

Who are you?

Now, are you sure that--?

They don't want me to be free!

I said pull that trigger now!

My name is
A Pimp Named Slickback,

You wanna play rough?

Maybe R. Kelly did urinate
on this woman.

Okay.

and I believe I may have
misplaced some merchandise

Over yonder

But America urinated
on R. Kelly!

at this residence.

There she is.

It'll make you wonder

Bitch,
I hope you got the monies

MAN:
Oh!

to cover this little vacation
you been takin'.

Now, hold up, Slickback.

No, that's
A Pimp Named Slickback.

n*gga-figures

MAN: Tell 'em!
MAN : He got framed!

And if you let them
put this man in jail,

That's what I said:
Slickback.

America will urinate
on each and every one of you!

No, no, it's
A Pimp Named Slickback.

Like
A Tribe Called Quest.

You say the whole thing.
A Pimp Named Slickback.

Assalamu'alaikum.

Uh, can we call you
"Slickback" for short?

ALL: Wa alaikum assalam.

I think the N-word is okay,
as long as they say it.

MAN :
Brother.

Please, people.
You saw the tape.

No, n*gga.
I'm A Pimp Named Slickback!

Cristal,
who is this person?

See?

The girl testified
she was underage.

n*gga, are you deaf?

You-- You're not allowed
to do that to a little girl!

Say hello to my little friend.

I'm A Pimp Named Slickback.
Say it with me, now.

We have a videotape!

He's my pimp.

Y-y-y-your pimp?

Go tell that
to your white bitch.

So you really are a-- A--

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, I'm a ho.
RILEY & HUEY: Yes, she's a ho.

But the girl was...

Come on, bitch. Now.

A Pimp Named Slickback,
could I please have a minute?

f*ck y'all lookin' at?

Prosecution rests.

A minute?

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

Let us pray "The Pimp's Prayer."

all that needs to be said
is this:

Lord, please pray
for the soul of this bitch,

and guide my pimp hand
and make it strong, Lord,

MAN:
Aw, yeah!

so that she might learn
a ho's place. Amen.

Amen. Yeah!

Hey, you think we in trouble?

You sh*t his grandson
out the window.

We're meant to be together

What you think?

I don't know.

You ain't gonna hit
no woman in my house.

I didn't want to move here,

Let it go

but I don't really want Granddad
to lose his house.

What woman, sir?
This here's a ho.

He worked his whole life
to get here.

MAN: Hey!

Not in this house,
she's not.

Man, I like that house.

Why don't you
just wait outside.

Oh, well,
I sh*t a n*gga!

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

Every famous n*gga that gets
arrested is not Nelson Mandela!

Damn, Indiana Jenkins.

I didn't know
we was still whoopin' n*gg*s.

Mr. Wuncler,

Yes, the government conspires

Fine.

I'm...sorry about
the whole, you know,

to put a lot
of innocent black men in jail

Bitch, you got seconds,
and I'm leavin'.

on fallacious charges,

Forty-four, ,

my grandson sh**ting
your grandson

but R. Kelly
is not one of those men!

out of the window thing.

We all know the n*gga can sing,
but what happened to standards?

...

Are you mad?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

In years,

What happened to bare minimums?

I mean, at first,
I thought you knew.

that boy will be the president
of the United States.

How would I?

You a fan of R. Kelly?

You wanna help R. Kelly?

I mean, I don't see how
you couldn't have known.

And he'll still
be a f*cking idiot.

Then get some counseling
for R. Kelly!

Well, easy mistake,
I guess.

Introduce him
to some older women.

Whew.

I mean, there were so many
obvious signs--

Now, are we gonna have
that drink or what?

Hide his camcorder.

All right, all right,
I got the point.

But don't pretend
like the man is a hero!

Cristal, I don't care
what you've done in the past,

Glad you were able
to make it, Robert.

as long as you're ready
to start fresh.

To the old school.

And stop the damn dancin'!

Think about it.
Twenty-four...

To the old school.

Act like you got
some g*dd*mn sense, people!

You can stay here,

maybe get a job,
go back to school.

Damn!

Through playin' around here!

We can make it work.

I don't know, Robert.

RILEY:
Boooooo!

I'm not really cut out
for school and jobs.

Hey, you with the Afro!

Give it a rest! b*at it!

But you'll be able
to stay here with us.

Put the music back on!

Yeah, you're right.
That sounds nice.

Let me just go and get rid
of A Pimp Named Slickback,

then maybe I'll get
some applications.

Eleven, , nine...

HUEY: I did battle

with ignorance today,

and ignorance won.

You're coming back,
right?

Of course.

I admit that I'm often...

vexed at the behavior of my own people.

Time's up, bitch.
I am leavin'.

Thanks for trying to save me.

Yeah, "vexed" is a good word.

I told you about messin'
with them white women.

CRISTAL:
No, Daddy! Wait, wait!

HUEY: You do what you can

to help black folks,

Wait, wait.

and they make you wonder why you even bother.

She'll be back.

But they're our people,

and we gotta love 'em regardless.

HUEY: I guess, deep down,

all grownups want to find that perfect person

that'll guarantee that they'll never be lonely again.

I still believe Granddad'll find his someday.

Did she come back?

WOMAN:
Break it down!

Don't blow out the candle.
She'll think nobody's home.

HUEY: One thing for sure, though.

It's all right,
Granddad.

Can't blame this one on the white man.

Maybe she'll be back tomorrow.

What am I saying?

Of course I can.

HUEY: One thing I learned though...

Come back!

Wait!

Run, bitch, run!

she sure can run in those heels.

CRISTAL:
I can't go to school!

I can't get no real job!

A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK:
Feel the burn.