01x04 - Granddad's Fight

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Watch where
you're walking, n*gga.

H-hey, what you say, n*gga?

: Watch closely.

You're about to experience a "n*gga Moment."

Webster defines the "n*gga Moment"

as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind

of an otherwise logical n*gro male--

What did you say,
bitch n*gga?

Hey, squeeze it, n*gga!

--causing him to act in an illogical,

self-destructive manner, i.e., like a n*gga.

You want it?
Right here.

n*gga Moments are unpredictable.

Hey, wait, man. Wait.
This is stupid.

Hey, you right, dawg.

Look, let's put the g*ns away
and go on about our business.

MAN: Freeze!

HUEY: But they all end up bad.

If they had their own category, n*gga Moments

would be the third leading k*ller of black men

behind pork chops and FEMA.

It's a fact.

Now, let's see how a n*gga Moment

affects a white man.

Prick.

Watch where you walkin', bitch.

What did you--?

Wait a minute.

I'm white.

Where you goin'?

Don't you ignore me.

This is a perfectly
good moment

to throw your life away.

A big misconception about the n*gga Moment

is that it can be avoided

by simply moving away from n*gg*s.

If only it were that easy.

See, n*gg*s always got a new trick

right around the corner.

Listen up, boys.

I'm about to sing
the "New Shoes" song.

Boy, Nike makes some good shoes.

Hoo!

MAN:

MAN:
Oh!

GRANDDAD:
What the hell?

Hey! What's goin' on, man?
Damn!

I know there's nobody
in my space.

This is handicapped parking.
Isn't it?

GRANDDAD:
Don't do that, don't do that!

HUEY:
Yo, man, watch

where you're going.

GRANDDAD:
Stupid son of a bitch!

HUEY: Every n*gga Moment begins

with the n*gga.

Without that key element,

all you're left with is peace and quiet.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner is, and always has been,

a cantankerous, ornery old man.

He spent his childhood disagreeing with most things,

especially things involving happiness,

unity and kindness.

Stinkmeaner got no pleasure seeing sunsets and trees,

dolphins or rainbows.

Man, this some old bullshit.

So he didn't particularly mind

when at age , he lost his sight to cancer.

At least I don't have to look
at your ugly ass no more.

The doctors gave him three years to live.

So he dedicated those three years

to spreading a lifetime of misery and hatred.

You danged fool!

Nobody knows how Stinkmeaner managed to live so long.

He believed it was his love of hatred that kept him going.

Who in the hell parked
in my space?

That's like calling
--Collect-An-Ass-Whupping.

And no, that ain't
no toll-free call, partner.

GRANDDAD:
You hit my car!

Are you blind?

Yes, I am! So?

Wait. You're blind?

Yes!

Blind!

You got a problem
with that, ni-yagga?

You could have k*lled somebody.

I-I'd be doing them a favor.

Getting run over by me

is as close
to an honorable death

as most of these people
are gonna get.

Some days,
I'm quite the humanitarian.

I think I hit a wheelchair
on the way over here. Heh.

Oh, look what you did
to Dorothy.

You'd better have insurance.

Ni-yagga,
you better have insurance!

Ass-whupping insurance.

And you about to pay
a deductible.

HUEY: And just like that,

my granddad was trapped in a n*gga Moment.

At this point, he can:

Let's see which one he chooses.

That's right.

I backed into your car,
ni-yagga.

What you gonna do?

What you gonna do?

RILEY:
Oh, hell nah.

Granddad, let's whup
this n*gga's ass right now.

Bitch-ass, F*gg*t-ass,

punk-ass, p*ssy-ass,
bitch-ass n*gga.

Do you wanna do something,

bitch-ass ni-yagga?

Hold up.

I smell new shoes.

RILEY:
Awe, man.

Oh! Not the shoes!

Fool, what you--
Hey!

HUEY: I've said it before.

Expensive sneakers are like $ land mines.

Step on one and boom!

A perfectly rational black man can explode.

Yeah!

They ain't new anymore
are they, ni-yagga?

RILEY:
And that n*gga's

spittin' on you.

You better hit him,
Granddad.

Hit him. Hit him! Yeah!

RILEY: Hit him!

Oh!

GRANDDAD: Uh-oh.

Yeah!
My bad knee!

Oh, Lordy-Lordy-Lord.

RILEY: What you doing, man?
My bad knee.

RILEY:
Oh, man.

MAN: Huh?

RILEY:
You lose all your pimp status.

This fight is over.

GRANDDAD:
I hate this damn song.

I can't believe you got

your ass kicked
by a blind man, Granddad.

My knee went out.
You know I got a bad knee.

Bad knee?
That n*gga had bad eyes.

He couldn't see, Granddad.

He b*at you like a piñata.

Nah.

Yo, we can rent Granddad out
for Mexican birthday parties.

We can call him
Señor Piñata.

Hola, Señor Piñata.

Stop it, boy!
Stop it.

Where's my belt?

RILEY:
Whoo. Whoo.

I must be blind too,

'cause I sure didn't see
that ass-whupping coming.

Boy.
Riley.

Yo, how bad you gotta
telegraph your punches

for a blind n*gga

to see 'em coming,
Granddad?

Riley, the man had
a heightened sense of hearing.

Oh, I thought Granddad had
a heightened sense of falling.

Now, that's enough.

Now, you just stop laughing
at your granddaddy.

What's wrong with you?
Granddad had "hit me"

written on his forehead
in Braille.

I said, that's enough!

Okay. What you gonna do?

b*at me?

Maybe I should get
a blindfold first.

Okay, I'm ready.

Wait.

Maybe he gonna fall on me.

HUEY:
Riley, stop.

Granddad...
Rodney King just called,

and said...

"Damn, I thought
I got my ass whupped!"

Ow!

HUEY: That night, I dreamt

of a blind swordsman.

HUEY: He knows my every move,

yet, he cannot see.

As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible,

he has turned my sight into a liability.

HUEY: He has no just cause

to want my life.

There is no forethought, no logic in his actions.

This isn't just any swordsman.

This is the Blind n*gga Samurai.

What's good, n*gga?

What's really good?

n*gg*s.

A n*gga Moment isn't necessarily over

when you think it's over.

It kind of hangs around like a unpaid bill.

: And in a case of the blind

b*ating the dumb,

security cameras from the Woodcrest Square Mall

captured a fight between a blind old man

and an unidentified assailant following a parking dispute.

Aw...

Man.
It's just local news.

MAN : CNN has now confirmed

that it was this man,

Robert Jebediah Freeman,

who got b*at up by a slightly older,

significantly blinder gentleman.

Police aren't pressing charges against Mr. Freeman.

They say that ass-whupping was punishment enough.

We at CNN agree.

Granddad,
I don't think

you should watch
this anymore.

El residente de Woodcrest, Robert Freeman,

tiene un nuevo apodo:
Señor Piñata.

: Oh, Patty.

Granddad,
you gotta ask yourself,

would you really
be better off

if you had beaten up
a blind old man in the street?

It was a n*gga Moment,
Granddad.

You gotta let it go.

Maybe you're right.

You have reached the Freeman residence.

If this is a lovely cutie-pie,

please leave a message.

Everybody else should just hang up right now,

because I'm not interested.

RUCKUS: Come on, Robert.

Pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone. I know you there in hiding.

I seen you on the news getting your black ass whupped

by that blind, old monkey.

That's why they shouldn't let n*gg*s go shopping.

Call me back.

Don't you walk away from this answering machine.

Granddad,
just let it die.

I promise you,

nobody's gonna call you
a punk.

RILEY:
I will.

Well, Riley will.

Granddad.

I can't believe Granddad went
back to fight that man.

RILEY:
Yo!

Check this out, Huey.

RILEY:
All right, all right.

Wait. Wait, wait.

Watch. Watch, watch.
W-watch this.

Here it comes.
Here it comes. Oh!

Eat this right here!

That song's sh*t.

RILEY:
Hey, you ever notice

whenever someone throws
a chair,

a brawl jumps off?

Aren't you worried
about Granddad?

Look, you wanna
see it again?

Hey, look. Look.
L-look, look, see?

I think you don't
even have

to hit nobody
with a chair.

And n*gg*s will still
start wilin' out.

Well, you don't
look hurt.

Two weeks.

Good for you.
A rematch in two weeks.

This'll be great.

Hey, we might be able
to make some money off this.

"The Slugfest
in Woodcrest." Yeah.

You don't understand, boy.
I have to do this.

Follow me.

I want you to see
what you're up against.

Holy sh*t.

You remember the way
he dodged your punch?

Your enemy is the Zatoichi.

The Blind Swordsman.

His ears give him
more information

than all your senses
put together.

If you underestimate him,
he will k*ll you.

Ah!

You must train.

I won't fail you.

I'm not afraid.

Oh, you will be.

You will be.

GRANDDAD:
And a one, two...

And a three...
Wa-ta!

Ah. Between me
and you,

your granddad shouldn't
be too worried.

Everybody knows
n*gg*s can't fight.

I'm sorry?

You heard me, n*gga.
n*gg*s can't fight.

They don't possess
the strength of character

or the mental quickness
to be a great fighter.

That's why all the best
fighters in the world

have always been white men.

Jack Dempsey,

Rocky Marciano,

"Slyvester" Stallone.

And don't forget
Ralph Macchio.

You name me one great
black heavyweight fighter.

Name one. Go ahead.
Try and name one.

See that?
You can't do it.

What?
What, what, what?

Oh, oh, oh. You wanna pull Ali
out your ass?

That what you
thinking about?

Muhammad Ali?

Well, if that n*gga's
so tough,

then why he didn't
go to Vietnam?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause he was scared.
That's why.

sh**t. "No Vietnamese
ever called me n*gga."

I call him a n*gga
eight times

before I have breakfast.

Now, what he gonna do?
Hold on, I'll make it nine.

n*gga!

I don't understand
why I'm blindfolded.

HUEY:
Because the enemy

cannot see.

But, see, the thing is,

I don't have super hearing,
so I don't get why I'm--

HUEY: Fight!

Ow!

Stop!

Jean-Claude Van Damme

is the best martial artist
in the world.

He k*lled a man
with his butt cheek power.

Steven Seagal, David Carradine,

Chuck Norris.

sh**t. Walker, Texas Ranger?

Now, that's a karate man
right there.

HUEY: Word got out that my granddad

was training for a rematch,

and it quickly became the talk of the town.

What was that?

An exhibition?

You need emotional content.

Now, try again.

Oooooh-ah-da!

Damn! That hurt.

Damn it, boy!

Hoo. Haa.

Ooh.

Everybody knows n*gg*s
climb trees, not kick 'em.

HUEY: Riley had the brilliant idea

to take advance orders for the DVD release of the fight,

and take a little action on the side.

GRANDDAD:
Ugh! Pain.

He hired a street team to create the necessary hype.

HUEY: The fight had a huge turnout.

MAN:
Come on...

Seems like watching n*gg*s act stupid

was becoming America's favorite pastime.

Hey, listen up!

I'm gonna tell y'all
one more time.

This fight ain't startin'
till I get $ from all y'all.

Hey. You. Nah, n*gga,
I didn't get yours yet.

Give me that.

That's the difference between private n*gga Moments

and public n*gga Moments.

A private n*gga Moment shames you.

A public n*gga Moment shames the whole race.

Ooh, this is it.

I'm gonna kick
some ass now.

Granddad, the only way to win
is not to fight.

That's right, Robert.

Nobody's gonna call you
a fruity boy

or a pansy pants
if you don't do this.

RILEY:
I will.

Right.
Well, Riley will.

MAN:
I mean, everybody's

real focused so far.

MAN :
Here we go.

You scared?

Yeah. You scared,
ain't ya, bitch n*gga?

I can smell
the bitch in ya.

Hm, hm, mm...

Ooh, that's
vintage bitch.

You must have
Alzheimer's, old man.

You already forgot
that ass-whupping?

Uh-oh. Huh-huh.

Oh, I hear ya coming.

HUEY: And as I watched Stinkmeaner

move blindly around the ring,

I had a terrifying realization.

He wasn't a trained swordsman,

and he didn't have super hearing.

He was a blind, old man who had just gotten lucky.

Granddad! Wait!
No, stop!

RILEY:
Come on, Granddad.

I'm gonna
keep comin' anyway!

MAN:
Damn! Kick him

in the nut.

You know, we could all be reading a book right now.

MAN :
He got what

he deserved, man.

MAN:
Come on, now.

Wait a minute.

MAN :
Oh. Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe it.

RILEY:
Dang, Granddad!

You didn't have to k*ll him.

HUEY: And so, Granddad emerged

from the n*gga Moment victorious.

Congratulations,
Robert.

I told you a n*gga
that black couldn't fight.

Whew! Good goin'.

MAN :
Hey, that wasn't worth it, man.

I had my fingers crossed.

MAN :
I want my money.

MAN :
You owe me money, man.

Gimme my money back!

I want my money now.

Gimme my damn money, kid.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God, a chair!

MAN :
Hey, what does he think--?

MAN:
I'm mad, man!

n*gg*s.

HUEY: As he contemplated

spending the remainder

of his natural life in prison,

Granddad never stopped to realize

that he had gotten the respect he so desperately wanted.

Yo, that mug k*lled a blind,
old man with his bare hands.

Now, that's
gangsta.

Robert Jebediah
Freeman?

Tom and I had gotten the fight licensed

by the state boxing commission at the last minute,

legally indemnifying Granddad against Stinkmeaner's death.

But he was still pretty shook up by the whole thing.

Colonel Stinkmeaner had no family and no friends.

He lived a life without love or companionship,

or even pets.

He was a horrible, awful human being.

And in truth, the world was better off with him dead.

Still, he was our brother.

Lord, please forgive us
for taking this man's life.

Why you say "us"?
You k*lled him--

Shut your ass and pray, boy.