01x07 - A Huey Freeman Christmas

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: We now return to

Gangstalicious: Resurrection.

"Resurrection"?

The n*gga ain't dead.
Shh.

He was sh*t a bunch of times,
all right?

At least, he tryin'.

By late last year, the ongoing feud

between Gangstalicious and his crew

from New West Manchester, Delaware...

Yeah, n*gga. What's hood?

...and Eat Dirt and his crew

Boo! from Lickety-Split, Virginia,

had escalated to the brink of catastrophic warfare.

"Catastrophic warfare"?

It's just some dumb n*gg*s
beefin'.

What you talkin' about, fool?
This is w*r.

Yeah, the n*gga version
of the Cuban m*ssile Crisis.

RILEY:
Shh!

Tensions exploded at an awards show last year

when a chair...

was thrown at Eat Dirt.

All I'm sayin' is,
you know, sh*t's real.

You know what I'm sayin'?
sh*t ain't just music, right?

This is some bona fide,
unimpeachable gangsta sh*t.

You know what I'm saying?
It's some indubitable sh*t!

What he said, nyukka.

Yeah, man, you motherfuckin'
darn thing.

God knows, son, man,
you'll pick on your foot.

n*gga, f*ck.
What the f*ck with them, n*gga?

Come on.

Heh. Look here, man.

Lot of these n*gg*s tryin'
to have what we didn't have,

but they ain't done
what we did done

to have what we done have.

Especially you, 'Licious.
You ain't done nothin'.

ANNOUNCER: Then, later that year,

an altercation in a Miami nightclub

between Gangstalicious and Eat Dirt ended in v*olence.

In the resulting struggle,

both rappers accidentally sh*t themselves.

Man, when I got sh*t,

I was, like, you know,
never again.

Ain't never gonna happen to me
again. Know what I'm sayin'?

What's up, world? I'm Sway.

And this is
my inexplicable head wrap.

We interrupt Gangstalicious: Resurrection

for this breaking news story.

Rapper Gangstalicious
has been sh*t.

BOTH:
Again?

Again.

RILEY: I was so desperate for

information on the sh**t',

I watched that show my brother calls "The News."

: Oh, sh*t!

Ah, n*gga, I seent it. I seent the whole thing.

n*gga, you should've seent that sh*t I saw.

Oh, great.
Black Eyewitness Man.

I hate Black Eyewitness Man.

n*gga, shush. Shh! With my own eyes, n*gga.

Damn that sh*t was crazy, n*gga.

Hold up. n*gga, that's me on TV, baby!

Yeah, n*gga! Yeah!

No, I ain't got your money, n*gga.

Jesus! It was terrible!

I was in the club and-- See, I was in the club,

and this bitch stepped on my shoe.

And I was like, "Bitch!"

And then some n*gga started sh**t'.

I was like, "There he go!"

He done f*cked it up for everybody.

RILEY: So, what had happened was

Gangstalicious was doing a show in town

when three men rushed the stage and sh*t him.

Ironically, he was doing his new joint,

"I Got sh*t," at the time.

ALL:

I got sh*t!

ALL:
I got sh*t!

No, I got sh*t for real!

ALL:
I got sh*t for real!

No, g*dd*mn it, I got sh*t!
n*gg*s sh*t me!

I'm bleeding, I'm gonna die!

Somebody, please, help me.
Help me!

Help me!
I got sh*t!

g*dd*mn it, I got sh*t!
n*gg*s sh*t me!

RILEY: It was minutes before

anyone called an ambulance.

Gangstalicious got sh*t!

Again?
We got to do something.

I got an idea.

Let's go to college,

so we don't end up
like Gangstalicious.

That boy got sh*t again?
That's a shame.

A shame?

Granddad, a n*gga stepping
on your sneakers is a shame.

This is a catastrophe.
It's catastrophic.

Can I go to the hospital
and visit Gangstalicious?

Boy, are you stupid?

Mm. I don't think so.

Look,

Gangstalicious needs his
street soldiers to protect him.

The hospital's
only minutes away.

I said no.

It is a shame.

It's a damn shame?

RILEY: My family didn't understand

about being a street soldier.

Gangstalicious needed my help. I had to get to that hospital.

Oh, no. I'm falling
down the steps.

Okay.

My shoe!
Ah! Uh!

Ow! Ooh.

I fell down the steps.
I gotta go to the hospital.

You ain't going
to that hospital.

No, really.
I can't get up.

Where's the love?

Ooh!
Huh?

Oh, no! I got hit by a car.
What the hell?

GRANDDAD: You ain't going.
I gotta go the emergency room.

Trying to pull
that bull jive on me.

Come on, get up.

Come on.
Come on.

Where is your glass, boy?

Glass?
I don't need no glass.

I takes mine to the head.

Oh.

Ah.

A full day's supply
of vitamin C.

Ow!

Boy, have you lost your mind?

How are you gonna drink
my juice out of the carton?

I don't know where
your nasty lips have been.

I know one thing.

I ain't goin'
to the store to get no more.

RILEY: See, I was like all

in the granddad's mental mind.

It was like psychology, but in reverse.

GRANDDAD:
The store and back,

that's it.

No hospital.

Take my phone,
so I can reach you.

But don't call anyone.

Damn, Granddad,
is that a cell phone

or a cordless payphone?

Shut up.

This thing looks like a laptop.

Stay away from that hospital!

RILEY: I headed straight

for the hospital.

Nearly a week had passed since the sh**ting,

and things seemed like they was back to normal.

Excuse me, I'm lookin'
for Gangstalicious.

And who are you?

I'm one of his many
illegitimate children.

Fifth floor.

Gangstalicious?

Hey, what's up, little man?
Who are you?

Hey. Uh...

My name's Riley,
and, uh, I'm one of your fans.

That was close. Come on in.

Hey, I live around here,

and I just wanted
to let you know that,

you know,
it wasn't nobody in my crew

that did the sh**ting.

Yeah, yeah.
I appreciate that, little man.

Does it hurt?

What? This?

Naw, naw-- Oh!

Naw, naw, naw. Hey, I'm fine.
I'm chillin', man.

Hey, man, you wanna hang out
for a little bit?

Get that chair over there
real quick. Yeah.

Don't worry about it.
I ain't Michael Jackson.

Ho, ho. You said
"Michael Jackson," man.

That's funny,
Gangstalicious.

So who you think it was
that tried to assassinate you?

Was it Eat Dirt?

Naw, naw,
it wasn't Eat Dirt.

It was these dudes
I used to owe money to

back when I was
in the drug game.

Wow, that's so real.
The drug game.

Word. That's real spit.
Dunny-dun-dun-dun.

That's why I tell kids
like you,

the drug game is cool,
you know,

but in some ways,
it's not cool. But--

But mostly it's cool.

Well, I know getting sh*t
must be cool.

You think
they gonna come back?

Hell to the nizz-naw.

After I got sh*t,
I was like,

God is watchin' over me,
you know?

It's like that n*gga
from Pulp Fiction said.

"God got involved."

God is gangsta, n*gga.

See, anybody wanna come get me,
they gotta go through God.

I don't fear no man but God.
You know what I'm saying?

Beside, ain't nobody
gonna come up here to get us.

Cops everywhere.

I didn't see no cops.

Hm? There--

There ain't no cops out there?
No.

Not even hospital security
or nothing? Nothing?

Not that I saw.

You sure?

They said they was gonna
stay till I was, you know--

Till I left. I mean,
not that I want them there

'cause I don't,
know what I'm sayin'?

I'd probably sh**t 'em
or something if they was there.

But they just
supposed to be there, so...

I wish they-- Are they there?
Could you check?

I'll check again.

Yeah, yeah, you do that.

We're lookin'
for Gangstalicious.

We're well-wishers.

What's the big deal about,

what's his name,
Bubblicious?

It's Gangstalicious.

Dumb n*gg*s
love Gangstalicious

the way fat women
love Oprah, Granddad.

What the hell is "Thugin' Luv"?
Who would want "Thugin' Luv"?

Is that when you make love
to your woman,

then right before
that special moment,

you b*at her upside the head,

snatch her purse,
and throw her down the stairs?

Where the hell
is that boy?

Ooh!

Gah! What?

GRANDDAD: Where's my g*dd*mn

orange juice, boy?

You hear me? What you doin', growin' the oranges?

Uh, the bike got a flat,
Granddad.

But everything's cool.
I'm walkin' to the store.

My God,
that's a big phone.

I am a collector of incredibly
large antique electronics.

Can I buy that from you?
Go away!

PATIENT:
It's so big!

I'll give you
bucks for it.

Get the beans anyway.

And bring me a can of that spray.

Okay, okay, .

Hey. Hey, homey.

Gotta have my eggs with my OJ.
Uh. Uh, uh...

Yo. Hold up, little man.

All right, all right. Bye.

One hundred ten dollars.

It's enormous!

Move, cancer boy!

Let me through!

Close, close, close.

Damn.

Third floor.
Let's move.

Come on.
Come on, man.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

I'm telling you, Bernie,
the police left.

Well, the label should be
providin' the security!

This is bullshit!

No, no, no.
This is unacceptable.

I just got
my black ass sh*t here,

and all you got for me is--?

Hello? Hello? Bernie?

n*gg*s...coming.

Come on, man, this way.

RUCKUS:

With sl*very

Back then

Be your fr--

Uh-- Oh.

Where's Gangstalicious?

Uh, say that again.

I couldn't hear you over
the sound of me shittin' myself.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to

Gangstalicious: Resurrection.

The judge allowed Gangstalicious' music

to be introduced as evidence at his as*ault trial.

They played for the jury, a track called,

"Play It for the Jury."

I keep telling these people.

This sh*t is supposed
to be just music.

You know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, you really
think about it, is it worth it?

Know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, somebody could get hurt.

That boy don't look
that tough to me.

Man, Riley should
be seeing this.

Damn, n*gga.
You short.

Y-you don't understand.
I know this guy. He is crazy.

He, like, uh, got a chemical
imbalance or something.

I'm just sayin', man.

You look much taller
in the videos.

Do you hear
what I am saying to you?!

That n*gga's a rageaholic!
We're both gonna die!

Well, w-what happened to,
"I don't fear no man but God"?

Correction:
God and the n*gga that sh*t me.

Oh, Lord,
what is we gonna do?

Man, just get yourself together.
You makin' me scared.

Hey, hey, hey,
I'm trippin', man.

They got a n*gga medicated
and sh*t.

It's the painkillers
and, you know...

...Sucrets and sh*t.
I'm cool, I'm cool.

RUCKUS:
There they are!

Right over there.

Thanks.
Now, go change your pants.

We're gonna die!

Run, n*gga!

Oh, Lord. Sweet Jesus.
I'm gonna die!

Where's your g*n?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Y'all n*gg*s
is in for it now.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

We need a car.

We're gonna have to
jack someone.

Where's your g*n?

I dropped the g*n.

You dropped the g*n?

What's done is done.
Let's be solution-oriented.

You mad?

How you go and drop the g*n,
Gangstalicious?

That is not gangsta.
That's very not gangsta!

Man, I can't believe this.
You a fraud!

Oh, oh, I'm a fraud?
You're scared too.

I'm !

Okay, fine, fine,
whatever.

I'm a fraud,
I'm a fraud.

I'm just
an average, normal dude.

I don't wanna do this
stupid sh*t no more.

I'm tired
of gettin' sh*t. Help.

It's like goin' to heaven
and finding God smokin' cr*ck.

MAN:
Holy sh*t!

I can't believe it's you.

Dude, you are the sh*t.

"Thugin' Luv"? What?

So, uh,
I'll just wait here then?

GANGSTALICIOUS:
Where we gonna go?

RILEY:
To the airport.

You got your jet there, right?

What jet?
The G.

The one in
the "Bitch, I'm Fly" video.

We rented that jet.

Oh, unbelievable, man!
You broke too?

RILEY:
Ah! Man, I wanna go home!

Man, I should've
listened to my Granddad.

You gonna get us k*lled!

Put your seat belt on.

It's the law,
and it's a good idea.

Man, just go faster.

Traffic!

RILEY:
Whoa!

Ow!

I told you put
your seat belt on,

but no, little n*gg*s
gotta do their thing.

I got this n*gga now.

Slow down, n*gga!

Yo, yo, yo!

What's up now, n*gg*s?
Open the door.

Mm-mm.

Open--
Hey, open the door.

n*gga, if you don't
open this door...

Mm-mm.

I told you this n*gga was crazy.

Know who my favorite rapper was
when I was your age?

Ice Cube.

The dude
that makes family movies?

He was a gangsta rapper?

He was so gangsta,
I used have to have dreams

that Ice Cube came to my house
and k*lled my whole family.

And for some reason,
I thought he was so cool,

and I wanted to be him.

When I started to act like that,
like a k*ller,

people liked me.
Girls, you know, whatever.

But I really wasn't that person,

and finally,
it caught up with me.

I'm sorry
you got caught in the middle.

Please, Lincoln, you are taking
this sh*t too far.

This tape is itchy.

Should've thought of that

before you did
what you did, Frederick.

Look, guys, don't k*ll him.

Whatever he did,

he ain't do nothin'
to deserve this, man.

This is about things

you're too young
to understand, little man.

This is about...

thugin' luv.

I loved you, man.

RILEY:
What?

You broke my heart, man.

RILEY:
What? What the--?

Oh! Ugh!

Oh, man, these n*gg*s
are still kissin'.

Yeah. Mmm.

RILEY:
Oh, they bustin' slob.

Oh, man!

I can't take it.

I was on tour.

You gotta understand,
I was lonely!

Oh, God.

Turn around, n*gga!

Walk forward, n*gga.

LINCOLN:
We could've had

a life together, man.

Huh? Hm?

sh*t, we missed.

I can't believe this, man.
We suck.

LINCOLN:
Hey, get back here!

¡Aye, maricón!

LINCOLN:
Come on, man.

Do you see him?

MANOLO:
I can't see anything, man.

LINCOLN:
Yo! Where you at?

Come out from where you at.

GRANDDAD:
I can't believe that damn boy.

RILEY:
And then they threw us

in the trunk, and--

And then they was about
to execute Gangstalicious.

GRANDDAD:
...and don't come back

with no orange juice...

And that's
when one of them dudes

knocked me upside
my head, right?

And I was havin',
like, crazy dreams,

like Gangstalicious
was kissin' the other dude.

Some old craziness, man.

Anyway, when I came to,

they was gone,
and I came home.

GRANDDAD:
What are these kids

doin' today?

And you really sh*t one of them
dudes at the hospital?

Oh, hell yeah.

See, Gangstalicious
dropped his g*n, right?

And I picked it up,
and I was like:

Ka-plow! Ka-plow!

It was like
some old John Woo sh*t.

GRANDDAD:
Let me take my medication.

RILEY:
Then Gangstalicious

started cryin' and sh*t,

and I'm like,
"Quit cryin', you little bitch!"

You should've seen me.
I was so gangsta!

GRANDDAD:
What the heck is goin'

on around here?