01x11 - Let's Nab Oprah

[bunniefuu]

? I am the stone
The builder refused ?

? I am the visual
The inspiration ?

? That made lady
Sing the blues ?

? I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ?

? The same spark
That lights the dark ?

? So that you can know
Left from right ?

? I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ?

? The inner glow
That lets you know ?

? To call your brother sun ?

? The story that just begun ?

? The promise
Of what's to come ?

? And I'm 'a remain a soldier ?

? Till the w*r is won ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ?

? Chop, chop, chop ?

[GANGSTALICIOUS' "THUGGIN' LUV"
PLAYING ON STEREO]

RUMMY:
Man, I don't get that.

ED:
Get what?

That textin' sh*t.

And what's wrong
with textin'?

You mean, aside from the fact

that it's the stupidest
f*ckin' thing in the world?

I mean, why would anyone
in their right minds

spend minutes tryi'’
to type some sh*t

they could have called
and said in five seconds?

Plus, it involves typi'’
with your thumbs,

which I just don't
approve of.

sh*t. I don't know
about you,

but I don't have time to read

nothin' that a m*therf*cker
typed with his thumbs.

Fun fact: nothin' typed
by someone's thumbs

has ever been important.

It's all just n*gga
technology, anyway.

What you call it?

"n*gga technology. "
Technology for n*gg*s.

Only don't start trippin'
and sh*t, callin' me a r*cist.

'Cause I don't mean n*gga
in a disrespectful way.

I-I mean it as a general term
for ignorant m*therf*cker.

Anybody of any race could be
an ignorant m*therf*cker.

sh*t, I be textin'
my ass off.

sh*t. b*tches like textin'.

I be textin' them all the time.
Matter of fact,

I also be textin'
my weed man too,

'cause, you know, he don't like
to be on the phone.

So I text him.

Case in point.

So basically,

n*gga technology is anything

that doesn't plug
into a printer.

Does that plug into a printer?

No.

Know why?

'Cause n*gg*s never
have anything to print.

[?]

Excuse me, sirs,

would you like to buy
some candy

to keep urban youth
off of dr*gs and gangs?

Uh, how much?

Three.

You hear that?
I said, three.

All right, all right, all right,
we got it. Now, b*at it.

A'ight. Three guards
ain't too bad.

Don't forget your earplugs
this time, Ed.

Let's go.

Hold up, my n*gga.
Hold up.

Go time, n*gga!
Let's go!

I sent that bitch
a smiley face.

b*tches love smiley faces.

Okay, let's roll.

[MADVILLAIN'S "STRANGE WAYS"
PLAYING]

Nobody move a g*dd*mn muscle!

Best start actin' like you're
a mannequin or something.

Like you wanna stand
in the window...

Agh!

Everybody get on
the ground, now! Now!

[PEOPLE WHIMPERING]

Nobody make a g*dd*mn sound.

[DOG BARKING]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

Hurry up, now!
I ain't got all day! Move it!

? Who's the real thugs
K*llers and gangsters? ?

I said, let's go!

[MAN COUGHS]

[WOMAN WHISPERING]

Do you want us to
take you to the safe?

Hm? Oh, right. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, the safe. Yeah.

Move it! Move it!
? It's like makin' a soldier ?

? Drop his w*apon
sh**t' him ?

? And tellin' him
To get to steppin' ?

? Obviously, they came
To portion up his fortune ?

? Sounds to me like
That old robbery-extortion ?

Hurry up!

Come on!

? You can't reform 'em ?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Twenty-two minutes.

We suck.
We f*ckin' suck, man.

And I forgot to ask
for the money again.

I always forget to ask
for the money.

I don't think
minutes is so bad.

Not so bad?

That's a whole episode
of Seinfeld.

It takes us a whole episode
of Sein-f*ckin'- feld

to rob a bank!

Stop being a perfectionist.

Ed, we both know

if your grandfather
didn't own this bank,

we'd never have gotten away
with this sh*t.

Shut up, Riley!
Rummy, you the man.

Excuse me. But will you
be needing anything else

from me today,
Mr. Wuncler, sir?

Nah, you can go on
and take the bags back in.

Thank you, sir.
And for what it's worth,

I thought you all did very well.

See? An unbiased
opinion.

So you honestly think that
was a well-ex*cuted robbery?

[CHUCKLES] I sure do.

And you wouldn't just be saying
that 'cause I got a loaded g*n

pointin' at you, would ya?

'Cause we need honest
feedback, for real.

No, sir. I would not.

[?]

That's bullshit.
We f*ckin' suck, man.

HUEY [NARRATING]:
The life of a black hero

has never been
for the meek of heart.

You will not
get out of here alive!

Do you hear me?

[?]

I'm goin' to Ed's house!

And I said, no!

Aagh!
Ugh-ugh!

Ugh!

[GRUNTS]

You little bitch!

[GRUNTING]

Ugh! Agh!

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Uh-oh.

[HUEY & RILEY SHOUTING,
BLOWS LANDING]

Ow!

GRANDDAD:
Boys!

What the hell?

I ain't doing nothin',
Granddad.

I was just gonna go
to Ed's house,

and Huey said I couldn't go
'cause he a hater.

What the hell is wrong
with you, Huey?

If your brother wants to play
with Ed and Rummy,

that's his business.

[PANTING] Granddad...

Ed and Rummy are
international criminals.

There he go, hatin' again.

Boys, stop hatin'!

What about the time
when Riley and Ed

were playing
with a loaded shotgun,

and Riley sh*t Ed out of
a second-story window?

Huaagh!

Ohhh.

That did happen, didn't it?

Okay. So just 'cause Ed believes
in his Second Amendment right

to bear arms,
we can't be friends?

What you got against
the Bill of Rights, Huey?

Okay. How 'bout the time
they stopped for gas

and ended up robbin'
the mini-mart?

MAN:
Agh.

RILEY:
They was fighting terrorism.

Makin' the world safe for the
freedoms that we enjoy today.

That's messed up. You don't
support the troops, Huey.

That is kind of
messed up, Huey.

Be back by dinner.

Ha!

[?]

I'm just sayin'
we can do better.

We're not realizing
our potential.

This is some bullshit.

The game cheatin'!

n*gga, the game ain't cheatin'.

Start the game over.

Why you always gotta cheat
when you lose, Ed?

Let him have it.

It's not wise to upset
a Wuncler.

Restart the game now!

And Oprah fans get ready.

The queen of daytime talk
will be in the Woodcrest area

tomorrow for a book signing,

before taping her show
the following evening.

Hundreds of Oprah faithfuls
have been camping out

for days in anticipation.

[SNIFFLING]
I just think she is-

She is
the most wonderful spirit.

I just don't know what
I would do without her.

RUMMY:
Oh, snap!

What if we kidnap Oprah?

And do what?

Control of Oprah
is control over women.

Wait. I see where
you're goin'.

See, 'cause, like,
control over women

is control over b*tches.

Oprah Winfrey
taps directly into

the emotions, beliefs,

buying habits
and summer reading patterns

of billions of women
all over the world.

Oprah Winfrey has the power
to lay waste

to an entire industry
with a mere utterance.

She's a completely invincible,

unstoppable force of nature.

And with her under our control,
nobody will be able to stop us.

Who's trying to stop you?
Nobody ever tries to stop you.

Yes, they do.

No, they don't.

Hey, just because we don't know
anyone tryin' to stop us,

don't mean ain't nobody
out there tryin' to stop us.

The absence of evidence is
not the evidence of absence.

Seems to me like everyone

just let's y'all
do whatever you want.

That's why y'all
always get away.

We get away because
I'm a criminal mastermind.

Whatever, n*gga.

Get ready.

We get her at the bookstore.

We gonna need some
video surveillance.

And we gonna need
advanced communication.

Two-way pagers
for everybody.

Yeah!

[?]

Whatever you guys
are plannin',

you're not gettin' away
with it.

Nobody can stop Ed and Rummy.

Maybe not.

But if I catch you with 'em,

I'm gonna take you down.

Unless I take you down first.

[MOCKING] "Unless I
take you down first. "

Is that the best you can do?

Shut up, punk.

WOMAN: I just saw- I
saw a glimpse of her.

Oh, my God.
She's in there.

MAN:
Oh, she looks fantastic.

RILEY:
Okay.

There's two guards
by the front door.

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

RILEY:
Another on the east wall.

ED:
Well, excuse me

for being into computers
and sh*t, all right?

First of all, m*therf*cker,

just because you put
a two-way pager

in the middle of your desk,

don't make it a computer.

It's a two-way pager,
all right?

Okay. Then what's
the difference?

The difference is
a computer is something

that does actual work.

n*gga technology don't do much
more than let dumb n*gg*s

talk to other dumb n*gg*s

about dumb-n*gga sh*t.

WOMAN:
She even smells good.

RILEY:
Hey. I see Oprah.

Okay, her security
just left her alone. Go.

Let's roll.

[MADVILLAIN'S "RAID LYRICS"
PLAYING]

? How Doom hold heat
And preach non-v*olence ?

? Shh, he about to start
The speech, come on, silence ?

? On one scary night
I saw the light ?

Oh!

? Heard a voice that sound
Like Barry White ?

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Get down!

RUMMY:
Everybody get down, now!

? Fly a kite in a firefight ?

? During tornado time
With no coat ?

ED:
Where's Oprah?

RUMMY:
Well? Where she at?

ED:
Where's Oprah?

RUMMY: I'm gonna start bustin'
some caps in some ass.

ED:
Where's Oprah, punk?

[WHIMPERS]

Kee-yah, bitch!

RUMMY: Don't look.
Just tell me where that bitch is!

Somebody needs to tell me

where Oprah is
on the count of three, or...

Or- Or I'm gonna k*ll
the oldest bitch up in here!

That's real f*cked up, Agnes.

ED:
I found her!

No! Help me!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Body Snatcher Three
to Body Snatcher Two,

where are you?

We're in the bookstore.

We're about to extract
the package.

RILEY:
What bookstore?

The Borders next to Starbucks.

No, it's the Barnes & Noble

next to The Coffee Bean.
[g*nf*re]

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Kee-yah, bitch!

? Uh, yeah, now ?

? How Med hold heat
Like Clint East is reborn ?

Rummy, wait!

That's not Oprah! Hello?

Damn it.

RUMMY:
Body Snatcher Two

to Body Snatcher Three,
you read me?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Hey. Kick me again-
Oh! g*dd*mn it.

[BEEPS]
RUMMY: I'm gonna bust your ass.

"Dear Ed...

"that... is not... Oprah.

Riley. "

Yo, Rummy. Riley said
that ain't Oprah.

What? Well, then
who the hell is she?

Oh! g*dd*mn it!

It's, uh,

"Maya... Angelou. "

Maya "And I rise" Angelou?

Mm-hm.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[GRUNTS]

[MUFFLED]
I am so mad at you. Hmph!

MAN [OVER TV]:
This was the scene today

at the Woodcrest
Borders bookstore,

where two unknown assailants

kidnapped Maya Angelou
during a book signing.

It was all Rummy's fault!

Ed ran into the wrong store.
I was followin' Ed.

How was I supposed to know
which bookstore to go into?

They look exactly the same,
and they both got books.

There was a giant crowd
of people outside of one.

That don't mean
Oprah was in there.

There was a large sign outside
that said, "Welcome Oprah. "

Y'all are lucky Ed's grandfather
owns the cops.

Just what are you tryin'
to imply?

Look, we escaped capture

because of planning,
teamwork and execution.

[?]

This officer wanted
to see you,

Mr. Wuncler, sir.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Wuncler,
I-I just...

Well, y- You dropped
this today at the bookstore

during the- Y-you know.
The unpleasant, uh...

Th- Thank you, Mr. Wuncler,
sir. Thank you.

Uh, I'm so sorry
to disturb you.

I- I hope you're
not upset with me.

Why don't we just get
Oprah tomorrow?

Anybody know where
they're taping?

Maybe we could
try and find out?

I'm down with that.

Oh. This is beautiful.

It's like we back again.

Hey, man, look, I'm sorry.
You know, uh,

sometimes I just let my emotions
get the best of me.

No, no, no, no, I understand.

You passionate
about what you're doin'.

I just wish you'd be a little
more sensitive to my feelings.

It was my fault, man.

No, no, no, it was my fault
for grabbing...

the poet triumvirate,
whatever her name...

Maya- Maya.

Y'all n*gg*s are gay.

Hey, why y'all
leave me out here?

One of y'all m*therf*ckers

better come out here
and get me, I know that.

Or you will be living
in a haunted house tonight.

Swim, bitch!

Now, this is the studio where
they be taping the show.

What we need to worry about is
Oprah's personal security team.

Do we have any intel on that?

Any what?
Intel.

Intelligence, n*gga.
Keep up.

The bookstore security footage.

Help!

[?]

RUMMY:
Whoa. Bushido Brown.

Aw, damn,

I was afraid of this.

Who's Bushido Brown?

A bona fide bad m*therf*cker,
that's who.

You remember when Oprah
made them comments

about the beef industry?
No.

Okay. Well, a few years back,

Oprah said some sh*t
on her show about beef.

You know, mad cow disease,
or some sh*t.

Anyway, the beef industry didn't
exactly find that sh*t amusing.

They thought they would send
a crew of armed Texans

to go teach Oprah a lesson.

[ALL JEERING]

Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers,

rogues, that kind of sh*t.

But Oprah hired Bushido Brown

as her personal bodyguard.

MAN: Come on.
Come on, Jay-Z.

MAN :
We got him.

[GRUNTING]

RUMMY:
Apparently,

only one dude was able
to actually lay a hand

on Oprah's office door.

Yahhh!

They say...

Bushido Brown kept that hand.

I think I just sh*t myself.

No, no.

We can't just stroll up
in there

if Bushido Brown is there.

We need a plan.

And, um...

go change your pants.

HUEY:
Pretty strange, huh?

Armed gunmen as*ault
a bookstore

to kidnap Maya Angelou.

Hey, I heard she had enemies.

Even stranger, Oprah Winfrey

was right across the street
when it happened.

I don't know anything about
no plot to kidnap nobody.

So Ed and Rummy do have
a plan to kidnap Oprah.

["THUGGIN' LUV"
PLAYING IN CAR]

[?]

Damn.

[BEEPS]

HUEY:
I call it the Black Power Fist.

The Black Power Fist
is actually a stun glove

that I made with instructions
I found on the Internet.

It delivers
thousands of volts

of imperialism-stopping
electricity

without the need
of superpowers

or secret alien technology.

And it's inexpensive enough
to fit well within

even the most frugal
revolutionary's defense budget.

Okay, so we're gonna enter
at the rear service entrance.

They'd never expect us
to go through there,

because it's in back.

Whoa. Hm.

Didn't think
they'd put guards there.

They really covered
their bases.

So that's it?
That's the plan?

Now what?

I didn't think they'd think
to put guards at the rear.

That was a unknown unknown.

It was a bad plan.
You plan things badly.

Isn't this your brother?

[?]

What's he doin' here?

He's tryin' to stop you.

Really?

Why? What we ever
do to him?

Sound like a hater to me.

Hello?

Yes. There's a little boy coming
right now to hurt Oprah.

He's got a big stupid afro
and a very poor disposition.

He's on the east side
of the building.

A'ight, peace.

Okay, we're on the move.

Let's go.

All right, the game's up.
It's over.

You're not going anywhere.
It's all right.

[MADVILLAIN'S "ALL CAPS"
PLAYING]

Oprah's in danger.

Not while I'm here.

I have to get into
that studio,

even if it means
goin' through you.

Man, you come straight
out of a comic strip.

? So nasty that it's probably
Somewhat of a travesty ?

[GRUNTS]

? You can call me
"Your Majesty" ?

Uh!

Hooo...

ya!

All right.
WOMAN: No running in here.

Aagh!

? And you know I know
That's a bunch of snow ?

Yaaa... hoo!

[GUARDS YELL]

GUARD:
Why me?

? Sometimes he rhyme slow
And vice versa ?

? Whip up a slice
Of nice verse pie ?

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

Huh?
[GASPS]

Okay, Oprah's dressing room
should be up here

and to the left.
Let's go.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Aah!

Ugh! Ugh! Wha-?

[SCREAMING]

Agh!

[PHONE RINGING] Say what?

Intruders in the studio?

I am on my way.

GUARD: Let's go.
GUARD : I'm comin'.

ED:
Kee-yah, bitch!

Pull up your pants,

you little ghetto hooligan.

Damn. Is that
who I think it is?

This ain't Oprah.
It's Bill Cosby.

I guess we were supposed to
take a left.

COSBY: What's the matter with you?

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Kicking in the doors

with the big boots
and the g*ns.

Damn, Rummy. I'm sick
of playing with y'all.

Y'all two are pathetic.
[COSBY MUMBLING]

Hey, in Iraq we was in
Special Ops.

Y'all n*gg*s should have been
in the Special Olympics.

I'm goin' home.

Oh, come on, man. Look,
we'll kidnap Bill Cosby.

It'll still be fun.

Yeah, man, it's only :.

Come on. We can write
the ransom note together.

I don't think so, guys.
I gotta get home for dinner.

RILEY: Later. COSBY: ...
with their parents...

Don't listen to him,
he's just a hater.

You a good planner.

Look, you about to
kidnap Bill Cosby.

How many m*therf*ckers
can say

that they did some sh*t
like that, huh?

You gotta start lookin'
at the bright side.

Yeah. Sure
you're right.

I am a pretty good
planner, huh?

RILEY:
And y'all n*gg*s are gay.

COSBY:
-To the wall. I...

You know, I just-
Oh, no.

Man. This- This reminds me
of when I...

HUEY: Ed and Rummy
kidnapped Bill Cosby.

[COSBY MUMBLING]

But he was really annoying,

so they returned him
to the studio minutes later.

COSBY: I'm upset with you
for comin' in here...

HUEY: As usual, nobody even
thought about stopping them.

What the f*ck
y'all lookin' at?

Riley had gotten away,
but returned

several hours later
when he realized

he had dropped
his two-way pager.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let me explain.

You must have lost your mind!
Ow! Oh! Ow!

You do not-
Hey, man! Just let me- Ow!

-kidnap Oprah!

[?]

[?]