01x12 - Riley Wuz Here

[bunniefuu]

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Your left from your right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The b*llet in the g*n ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the w*r is won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[DOG BARKING]

[HUMMING]

[SPRAY HISSING]
Hm?

Well, let's see here.

"Riliy wuz"...

"Riliy wuz her"?

I'm afraid I don't get it.

It says,
"Riley was here."

No, it doesn't.
It-- It says, "Riliy wuz her."

How you gonna tell me?
I wrote it.

Oh-- Oh, I'm not saying
it's not good.

I-- I'm just saying you could
make it more clear to people

that you were here.

You're Riley, I presume?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, Riley.
It sure is super to meet you.

See, there, where the "here"
is all scrunched?

RILEY:
I ran out of room.

Well, that's why God
gave houses four walls.

You see how roughing out
the letters first

helped us make sure
everything fit?

RILEY:
Yeah.

Now n*gg*s will
definitely know I was here.

But as an artist,
you must ask yourself,

"Why should they care
that I was here?"

Well, that's all the time
we have for today.

I hope to see you again
real soon.

[YAWNS]

Hm?

Hm.

Hey!

Who are you?

Hey, come back here!

It wasn't me!

It says,
"Riley was here."

Well, maybe it was
another Riley.

You dropped these pictures.

And, um...

you have paint
all over your hands.

Riley, graffiti
is a serious crime.

Now, as the assistant
district attorney,

I'd have to arrest you
and send you to jail.

And you wouldn't want that,
would you?

No, 'cause I remember when
you got arrested that one time,

and you was cryin' 'cause you
thought they were gonna r*pe--

Well, I don't exactly remember
it happening like that.

Yeah, it did.

The way you was talkin',

they was fittin'
to wear that ass out.

Okay! So we're all agreed that
none of us want to go to jail.

And then there was something
about a salad or something?

Yes, salads! For dinner.

They make you eat vegetables
every night,

and they're not delicious...
at all.

Uh, is the cop here
for me or Riley?

Your brother got caught spraying
graffiti on...

Wait. Why would he be here
for you?

Uh, no reason.

Fine!

I knew y'all was gonna find
a way to blame me for this.

Go ahead.
Say hello to the bad guy.

But a white man
told me to do it.

Wait a minute. What white man?
What did he look like?

White.

I just assumed
he was in charge.

Why?

'Cause he was white.

And just what did this
white man look like?

He had a--

Who do I look like,
Snitchy McRat?

I don't talk to police.

Boy, you better work your mouth.

If you gonna take me to jail,
then take me to jail.

[GRUMBLING]

Tell the Robinsons
I'll pay for all the damages.

I'm very sorry.

It won't happen again.

Man, what was up with them?

They was trippin'.

What we got to eat?

A...

belt!

GRANDDAD:
Come here!

Get your little butt over here!

HUEY: We all know

that the images we see

can elicit strong emotional reactions.

But I've always wondered: can the images we see

do more than hurt us emotionally?

Is it possible to see something so bad

that it actually hurts you physically?

In other words,

can too much black television k*ll you?

GRANDDAD:
You keep it up...

[COUGHS]

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
The idea that too much

black television can k*ll you

is absolutely preposterous.

I should know.
I'm an expert.

Can't you tell by my accent?
Hm?

HUEY: Actually, in ,
[LAUGHING]

-year-old Shaquoia Peterson d*ed suddenly

in the th hour of a -hour
Parkers marathon on UPN.

[GASPING]

The exact cause of death was never determined.

Shaquoia's family settled out of court

for an undisclosed amount of money.

UPN admitted no wrongdoing.

I decided I would watch nothing

but black people on TV for two weeks

to see if I suffered any adverse health effects.

I started by getting a full physical at the health office.

Well, your blood pressure
is fine,

which is unusual
for black people.

And your overall level
of health is excellent.

These were the rules.

I was only allowed to watch TV

featuring a majority of African American performers,

commercials included.

Okay. Niggerize me.

And this is
just more proof

the white man made
a tragic misjudgment

when he made it legal to
teach n*gg*r*s to read and write.

Paint faster.

Oh, what? What? What?

You call that art? Huh?

Ain't no n*gg*r
ever been good at drawin'.

If Michelangelo had been black,

Jesus would look like
George Jefferson.

Keep paintin'.

Okay, we're here.

I'll pick you up in an hour.

Granddad, I'm sorry.

I don't want art lessons.

Well, maybe if you learned
to draw on paper,

you wouldn't be drawing
on people's houses.

I won't draw again, ever.

I know you won't.

I picked a good teacher
for you too.

Whoo, boring!
And you better not fall asleep.

Now, get outta here.

[BELL RINGS]

It's you.

Hey, Riley.

It sure is super
to see you again.

Let's get started.

And what the heck.

Let's have some mountains
and some clouds.

Oh, and of course, some joyful,
little trees right there.

Isn't that beautiful?

I love painting trees.

What do you like to paint,
Riley...

[CHUCKLES]

...aside from your own name,
of course?

I got in trouble 'cause of you.

I thought it was your house.

It was my mistake.

But you'll find I don't really
believe in mistakes.

I believe in happy accidents.

Because you got in trouble,
your granddad hired me.

And we are gonna have
so much fun.

Well, Riley, I certainly
don't want to keep you here

if you don't want to.

Your granddad wants to make sure

I make you do
just one drawing a day.

Then you can go.

I just gotta draw one thing?

Anything you want.

Heh-heh. Have fun.

Cool.

[LAUGHING]

What?

Oh, nothing.
You're free to go.

What's funny?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'll call your granddad and tell
him you're walking home.

I wasn't really trying.
I could do better if I wanted.

Oh, I'm sure.

Hey!

You ain't have to ball it up
and throw it in the trash!

You know what?
That's disrespectful!

Your mama should've
raised you better.

[HUMMING]

I wasn't even really trying.

Mm-hm.

[HUMMING]

[COOL HIP-HOP
PLAYING OVER COMPUTER]

Wait a minute.
I forgot why I came in here.

That's odd.

What are you doing
on the computer?

I'm looking up art.

I swore I came in here
for something.

Yeah. Throw this away.

Hey, man! That was good!

Yes, but you didn't draw this.

Yes, I did!

I don't think you did.

Uh, yeah? Then who drew it?

I did.
You got this off my website.

Now, I bet you can sit down

and draw something
even better than this.

Let's try.

Um, I don't feel like it.

Well, then, just do it
real quick like before.

Oh, I get it.
Is that how you get your kicks?

You get little kids
to draw stuff

when they ain't even really
tryin' that hard,

just so you can laugh?

You sick.

Finished?

No, man!

Damn, stop sweatin' me.

I mean, can I draw?

Can I put the damn lines
on the pages, please? Please?

You sure can.

I'm sorry for interrupting.

Hm.

I think it's time to move
to a bigger canvas.

Yeah.

So you mean you really gonna go
out with me while I tag a house?

I sometimes
like to paint murals.

I think they're fun.

Wow, you pretty cool.

So do you know
what you want to paint?

The difference between
good artists and great artists

is not how well they paint,
but what they choose to paint.

I wanna paint Scarface
sh**t' at, like,

Colombian drug lords

with b*tches.

That sounds really violent.

I don't like violent things.

You should take people
by surprise

and do something
they wouldn't expect you to do.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Riley,
it's great to see you.

We'll be painting
a mural tonight,

so we gotta make sure
we have all our equipment.

Okay, I see paints,

flashlights...

Ooh.

and a pair
of fast running shoes

for getting away
from the police.

We're all set.
Let's get started.

[CROWD CHEERING]

HUEY: I'm a little nauseous, man.

But no serious problems yet.

[SCREAMS] [GRUNTS]

RILEY:
Finished.

Oh, no, Riley.

You can't sign it.

If anyone finds out
what we're doing,

I won't be able to
teach you art anymore.

And that would make me
real sad.

But how people gonna know
I did it?

An artist who has
done his job well

doesn't need
to sign his name.

[RINGS]

Huh?

Someone sprayed graffiti
on another house?

[PEOPLE MURMURING]
MAN: It touches my soul.

MAN :
My God.

I have to know who did this!
It's...it's fantastic.

Well, I-- I-- I'm positive
it wasn't the hooligans

who spray-painted
the Robinsons' house.

Eh, uh-- This is
far too sophisticated.

I should know.
I'm an expert.

[PEOPLE CONTINUE MURMURING]

Mm-hm.

Oh, if the Lord was here right now,

he would want you to take care of yourselves

and give the money in the basket,

so I can take care of myself.

Okay, so eight days in,
and I don't know.

I feel okay, I guess.

I'm tired.

I'm supposed to be checking
my blood pressure, but...

forgot how to use this thing.

PREACHER: Drive me a fast car.

Get to the--

I don't trust that art tutor
of yours.

He seems a little strange.

I heard
he was a Gulf w*r vet.

I don't know.
He might be crazy.

Hey, did you see that painting
on the Franklins' house?

Yeah.

What you think?
Nice, right?

Not that I had anything
to do with it.

Of course you didn't
have anything to do with it.

Stevie Wonder could see

you didn't have
anything to do with it.

I'm very excited
about tonight, Riley.

Have you decided
on what to paint?

No.

Oh, that's okay.

You'll know what to paint
when the time is right.

Tonight, let's paint a picture
of someone you love.

Maybe someone
who's not with us anymore.

Oh, you mean
like a fallen soldier?

That's exactly what I mean.

Now, the great artist
shows the viewer

something beautiful
about himself

that he's never
seen before.

Or maybe something
he'd forgotten.

If I keep practicing,

do you think I could sell my art

and make, like,
millions of dollars?

Maybe.

But you'll never possess
anything of greater value

than the art you sold.

Whatever, n*gga.
I wanna get paid.

Are you sure
I can't sign this one?

I don't care
if I get in trouble.

Hm, I don't think
it's a good idea.

Oh, what if I use
one of my aliases?

That way,
they won't know it was me,

but nobody else
can claim my sh*t.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah.

Hm.
[PAINT CAN RATTLING, HISSING]

MAN: It's beautiful.
MAN : ...Ol' Dirty Bastard...

Yet gangsta.
WOMAN: I think he's trying

to...

Moves me deep within.
MAN : It's Jesus.

I-i-is that his signature?

MAN :
It's many signatures.

I can't believe it!

How will we ever ascertain
the identity of the true artist

so that we may shower him
with praise and adoration?

Perhaps the bigger
the signature,

the more they contributed.

No-- No, I believe
they're in order of importance

from top to bottom
and right to left.

No, no, no.
Wrong, wrong.

According to guild rules,

each credited artist,
uh, must have contributed

an equal part to the total work.

Well, I'd pay
a lot of money

for a painting like this
in my house.

I can't believe it, man!

How n*gg*s gonna--?

Man, how n*gg*s
gonna just come by

and just sign they name
on someone else's sh*t

all after the fact?

Tryin' to steal my shine!

Man, that's
some ol' bullshit! Damn!

You know, Riley, the moon steals
its shine from the sun,

and no one ever gets
the two confused.

Take it as a compliment.

Why can't n*gg*s do them? Huh?
Why n*gg*s got to do me?

Why n*gg*s got to ride me
like a rodeo show?

Why can't they shine
on they own sh*t?

No, man,
I ain't havin' that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me.
Huh?

Excuse me.
Listen, everybody.

I got an announcement to make.

Now, I know
this is gonna come

as a huge surprise
to everyone, but...

I'm the artist.

That's right, people. I know.
Amazing, ain't it?

So young, so young.

[ALL LAUGH]

EXPERT:
I never heard of anything

so ridiculous in all my life.

I should know.

Hey, kid, can you
get out of the way?

I'm trying
to take a picture.

I'm serious.
I painted this.

RUCKUS:
Stop lyin', boy. Stop lyin'.

Everybody knows
n*gg*r*s can't paint.

Why you think all the great
artists have all been white

and called "masters"?

Master Van Gogh.
Master Picasso.

That-- That genius that drawed
that comic strip

with the talkin' penguin.

The Master Penguin-Drawer.

Boy, come here.
Get over here, now.

What's going on, here?
What did you do?

I painted this.

You painted this?

Yeah, right.

And I suppose Gary Coleman
painted the Mona Lisa.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, you know what?
I painted it too.

Me too.

What did I tell you about lying?
Come here.

[BLOWS THUDDING]

GRANDDAD:
You been looking at too much TV.

Ow! But, I--
Stop lying so much!

Now that,
in my expert opinion,

is an ass-whooping.

RILEY:
Can't you give me credit?

GRANDDAD:
Stop looking at Adult Swim.

It's that damn art tutor.

He's doing it, isn't he?

Well, why can't I
have painted the walls?

Why can't I
be a talented artist?

Boy, you ain't even
a talented vandal.

HUEY:
What's good, y'all?

You n*gg*s is makin'
a whole lot of noise.

Where you been?

Just, you know, chillin'.

You know, just doing
my little TV-watchin' thing.

You know, doin' me.

MAN [OVER TV]: You know when

you takin' a dookie,

and it's a dump that ain't the dookie that you wanna take,

but it's the dookie that the dookie wanna take.

It's workin' you over. Not like how you want it...

Yo, move.

You blockin' the TV,
n*gga.

You the boss, but the dookie doin' it where you want it--

Eh, you-- You know what I'm talkin' about.

And you wished you had a baby wipe.

For God's sake, where are the damn baby wipes

when you need it?

And then your ass is just itchin'...

Hey,
don't tell Granddad I left.

We got any grape soda?

n*gga, you stupid.

...do when you do when you do--

NARRATOR: Sensing a gruesome battle ahead

over the injured ibex...

HUEY: Yo, and it was like,

just like that, the experiment was, like, over.

And I ain't really get sick or nothin'.

So you're sure
you want to do this?

Yes.
But I need help.

Okay, let's get started.

Oh, wish we had
a few more hours.

I think you got
your point across just fine.

MAN:
Freeze!

[GASPS]
Run!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

Go! Go!

I believe you should buckle
your safety belt, Riley.

[TIRES SCREECH]

RILEY:
Whoa! Damn!

[SIRENS BLARING]

It's the police.

I don't really like
the police very much.

Me neither.

Good. Then I'm gonna drive
really fast

so we can get away from them,

if that's okay with you.

Yeah!

That's great. Hold on.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Again?

Huh? Whose house?

I think it's time
we lost these guys.

♪ When my dreams come true ♪

Hold on.

Yeah!

[GASPS]

♪ To be any more ♪

♪ When all I am Would be alive ♪

[TIRES SCREECHING]

ART TEACHER: Let's paint a picture

of someone you love.

Maybe someone who's not with us anymore.

Thanks, man.

Thank you, Riley.

I had a great time
painting with you.

Now, you keep on painting,
and God bless.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

It's so beautiful.

Thank you, boy.

Well, that's it.
Out of memory.

You can start
cleaning it off now.

What? But--
But what--?

No buts. Start drawing on paper,
and this wouldn't happen.

Nobody told you
to paint all over my house

'cause you want
to make a point.

This ain't b*at Street.

[♪♪♪♪♪]