02x10 - The Rooming Lottery

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Sex Lives of College Girls". Aired: November 18, 2021 - present.
Four roommates navigate their new freedom on the prestigious campus of Essex College.
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02x10 - The Rooming Lottery

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We're dropping our daughter
off at school.

I can see your erection.
- Mom!

♪ Sex sex sex sex
sex sex sex sex ♪

♪ Sex sex sex sex
sex ♪

Essex College?

Did you have to pick a school

that was , miles away
from me?

It's almost like I did
that on purpose.

I mean, Vermont?
Why's it even a state?

Bunch of potheads
making maple syrup.

I--I don't know, I'm just
happy that you made the time

[phone buzzing]
to drop me off at school.

Oh, okay, go on, honey.

It's just nice
to spend time with you.

[phone buzzing]
- Goddamm it.

Look, Jackie, I am dropping my
daughter off at college today.

That is the only thing
that matters.

Oh, CNN?
Okay, yes, put them through.

[whispers] Sorry.

Jake Tapper.
How you doin', sweetheart?

What am I commenting on


Look, Beta,
I brought a surprise for you

to remind you of home.
It's Mr. Busby!

- Mom, are you serious?
- What?

You love Mr. Busby.

Mom, I'm not bringing my
teddy bear to college with me.

I'm years old, I'm in
the middle of my reinvention.

Not with the reinvention again.

remember when Ben Affleck

got that giant back tattoo
of a phoenix rising up

from the ashes?

Is he in
"Manchester by the Sea"?

- Oh, very sad film.
- That's the other Affleck.

Look, that phoenix
made total sense to me.

Ben needed a change.

He needed to transform his life

with a permanent physical metamorphosis.

And so did I.

Four months ago, I was an
Indian loser with cystic acne,

sweaty armpits, and glasses.

But with Lasik procedure,
an Accutane prescription,

and medical-grade Botox
injected into my armpits,

I'm normal.

So should I throw
Mr. Busby away?

No, Mom, don't be stupid.

Just take him home and put him
on a shelf in my bedroom.

- Hey, there, kiddo.
- Hey, Dad.

Before we go inside,
I just want to say...

- Um, Dad.

Don't cry, please.

You're the first Finkle
to go to college.

Dad, I need you not
to cry right now.

And I'm so proud of you.
You're such a special girl.

- Honey, honey--
- I haven't told you enough.

Why don't you go inside

and just
get yourself together.

Go sit in the car.

[rap music]

♪ ♪

Honey, you got to promise me
you're gonna be careful

because you're gonna meet
all kinds of, um, new people.

Are you saying that because
they're Middle Eastern?

That's so offensive.

I came here
because it's diverse.

We're from the whitest town
in the world.

Dad won't even eat tacos.
- Someone say tacos?

I can't handle that today,
my stomach is already a mess.

No, honey, no ethnic food.
I promise.

No, I meant rich people.
They can be a bad influence.

Do you remember
that Caleb Vicars boy?

He was two grades above you,
he got into Penn,

met some rich friends,
he got addicted to cocaine,

and got arrested...

For selling his body.

- Mom!
- I don't want that future

for you.
- Yeah, Mom, I don't want to

become a prost*tute either.

[pop music]

[sighs] Something about
New England, isn't there?

Maybe it's the trees,
or the rivers, the air--

I just feel so alive here.

Dad, you're obsessed
with New England.

I mean, it's like you want
to have sex with New England.

Ha. That's not possible.

God, Esme and Francesca
haven't texted me back yet.

They probably have a ton
of new inside jokes by now.

You know, honey,
are you sure it's the best idea

to be roommates in college with
your friends from high school?

Shouldn't you branch out?

Dad, Esme and Francesca
are my soulmates.

Okay, they are literally the
best people I have ever known.

Okay, but what about
that time

that Francesca totally
abandoned you in Cape Cod?

She was having a really
tough time, okay?

Her dad just got audited.

Honey, I think
what I'm trying to say is

I don't think
Esme and Francesca

are the best influences on you,
you know?

They're kinda... assholes?

Dad, can you please not call
my friends assholes?

All right? And it doesn't even
make a difference, okay?

We're already living together.

if that's what makes you happy.

I mean, I guess
what's really important is that

my baby girl
is going to my alma mater!

I'm telling you,
after the next four years,

you're probably gonna want to
have sex with New England too.

♪ ♪

Dale, I hope you're using
your legs to push that.

I can't tell what I'm using, Carol.

♪ For you ♪

♪ Can't wait
to push your button ♪

♪ ♪

Earth to Kimberly.

Your father's sciatica's gonna
act up at any minute now, here.

Help him out.
- I got it, Carol.

You know what?
I'll do it, I'll do it.

Mom, could you change
your jeans

before anyone gets here?

- Hey!
- Hey, you must be Kimberly!

Oh, my Gosh!
I'm so excited!

We're your roommates.

I'm Bela, that's Whitney,
that's Leighton.

Just kidding,
they're my Indian parents.

- Oh!
- It's nice to meet you.

Oh it's nice to meet you too.
These are my parents.

Carol and Dale.

- Hello.
- Great to meet you.

We're Irish.

Yeah, there's an
Indian restaurant in our town.

Never been.

I love your Seth Meyers poster.

You can really see his face.
- Thanks.

he's sort of my dream guy.

writer and performer on "SNL,"

just like I want to be.

It's like,
I want to have sex with him.

But I also want to be him.

did you Google the other girls?

I obviously did.

Can you believe we're
living with Whitney Chase?

I know, it is so cool
that we're living

with a senator's daughter.

I bought
a copy of the Constitution

for her mom to sign.

Wouldn't it be nuts if, like,
two years from now,

we were all still
rooming together,

but she was like
president or something?

Oh, she's popular, sure,
I just don't think

she's respected enough
to be president.

Interesting. Ha ha.

I'd like to give
a quick rebuttal to that.

Senator Evette Chase from
the great state of Washington.

It is so lovely to meet
all of you.

- Hey, I'm Whitney.
- Oh, of course.

There you are, my daughter.

Oh, it's very exciting
to meet you, Your Honor.

You don't have to bow.

Can I take a photo with you
to put on the wall

of one of my restaurants?
- Maybe later.

Earl, can you close the door?

I have a few things
I want to say in private.

North Con Hall--
buncha great memories here.

One time,
I drank so many White Russians,

I threw up out
of that window right there.

- Ew, Dad.
- You're gonna love it here.


I already do.

It goes without saying,
I am a very public figure.

Oh, we get it,
we know all about your divorce.

Your ex sounded
like a real deadbeat.

- Thank you, he was.
- That's my dad.

Here's what I don't need.

I don't need to get woken up
in the middle of the night

by some frantic phone call
telling me Whitney

is getting high on opioids
with the roommates

and streaking across the quad
with their junk hanging out.

- Mom!
- Our Kimmy has never

touched drugs or alcohol.

She doesn't go out much.

I believe it.

And you don't have to worry
about me, Senator Chase.

I'm a committed student
eager to study the sciences.

Okay, that felt forced.
Look, I care about you girls.

Just don't embarrass me,
because then you're d*ad to me.

Oh, and if you could not tweet
for the next four years,

that'd be great.

Oh, my gosh,
you must be Leighton!

We're so happy to meet you.

I'm sorry,
who the f*ck are you?

- Leighton!
- What?

- Where are Francesca and Esme?
- Who are they?

Uh, my best friends
and my roommates?

I think we're your roommates.

[laughs] No, no, no, no.

Very nice to meet you all.

Have a great time in college.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Leight!
- Hi!

What the f*ck is going on?

This is our roommate, Siddhartha.

We just showed up,

and they assigned us
with that random girl.

Trust me, we were
just as upset as you are.

but how did this happen?

I mean, we filled out
the rooming questionnaire

the exact same way.
- I know!

Is it possible that maybe
you messed up your answers?

I mean, writing wasn't
your strong suit at Spence.

Excuse me!
She's a great writer, okay?

She wrote her Nana's eulogy--
not a dry eye in the house.


See? Assholes.
Not you.

Look, I don't know
how this got so f*cked up,

but I am gonna fix this
somehow, all right?


[upbeat music]

- Love you, baby.
- Be good, Beta.

Don't follow me on social.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

All right, girls,
take care of each other.

And remember,
no single-use plastics.

Hey, are you good?

Your dad was shaking pretty
hard when he said goodbye.

Oh, he's fine.

I'm sure he's finished crying
by now anyway.

- Love you, peanut!
- [sobs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Take a comfy seat.

Does this mean
you are our roommate?

Oh, no, no.

But there's been
a clerical error

that I need to address tomorrow,

so I'll need to stay
for one night.

we already picked rooms,

so you're with Bela.

Even though it's one night,
we should probably sidebar

about a system in case either
of us brings a dude home.

Okay, everyone,
my name is Frude Rasmunssen,

and I will be your
Freshman Advisor and Friend,

aka, your FAF.
Welcome to Essex!

We'll start
with some icebreakers.

Let's go around and share
a time when we felt scared.

I'll start.

during a family reunion.

I lost several relatives
and was, myself, entombed

for many days.


I'm scared of my stalker.

I'm kind of a big deal
on TikTok.

Malia Obama follows me.

Holy shit,
she has , followers.

Oh, my God,
you do song parodies?

- Ooh!
- Whoa!

♪ Don't go chasing
extra smalls ♪

That was for a body positivity
campaign for Kind Bars,

which are delicious.
- So cool!

Who else?

Um, I am a little nervous
about my work-study interview

- Wait, you have a job?

Well, I applied for one.

Yes, great, Kimberly.

And don't worry, many students
at Essex have student jobs.

Who else has one?


I guess perhaps it is
just you here.


Look, Frude,
I'm sure you're good at this,

but sharing our fears isn't--
- I'm scared because I'm gay.

I was in the closet
all through high school,

and I don't want to do
that again,

so I promised myself
I would tell everyone

the minute I got here.
Guys, I'm gay.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Oh, I'm gay too.
I've been out since I was .

It wasn't easy in Oklahoma,
but I had to be me.

all: Aw!
- He's so handsome.

This is great.

We are learning so much
about our new gay friends!

[gentle acoustic guitar]

So, why did you all
pick Essex?

I'm here for the "Catullan."

The college comedy magazine.

It's a big deal
in the comedy world.

A ton of writers on "SNL" got
their start on the "Catullan."

Cool! I came
'cause it's prestigious.

I'm gonna graduate summa,
and then I'm gonna go

to a tier one law school,

and then Max and I are gonna
move to DC

where we're gonna become
a power couple

like Kamala and Doug.

Are any of you
in relationships?

Oh, [scoffs] no, thank you.

I didn't come to college
to be tethered to some dude

I dated in high school.

Also, I never really dated
anyone in high school,

but I'm here,
I'm super sex-positive--

in theory more than
in experience.

And I am ready
to smash some Ds.


Max and I are waiting.
Not for any weird reason.

He's just not ready.
- He's not ready?

- Oh, God.
- What? What's wrong with that?

Oh, boys are born ready,
so something's up.

Yeah, is he, like, waiting
but also, like,

really up to date
on "Drag Race"?

Oh, no,
it's nothing like that.

It's gonna be worth the wait.

People tell him
he looks like Shawn Mendes.


Hey, have you all seen
that video

of Shawn Mendes
taking a shower?

It is very good.

[upbeat music]

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

- Step, step, step!
- Get it, get it!

[indistinct yelling]

♪ The love in my
got got got got got ♪

♪ The love in my got got
got got got ♪

♪ The love in my ♪

♪ ♪

She's good.

All right, ladies, hustle!

Now's when you should be
impressing me!

♪ ♪

I see you smiling,
feeling all proud of yourself.

Me? No, I wasn't.

You should smile.
You're fast, rookie.

Just don't get too cocky.

Oh, I really like
your sticker.

Oh, thanks.

I don't know what it means,
but I saw it at a gas station

and was like, "That
would be cool in my locker."

Oh, well, I think it's meant
for people who identify as--

I'm just playing.
I'm super gay.

Like, I'm the LeBron James
of being attracted to women.

I'm Willow.
- Whitney.

If I had a silver spoon like
that, I'd run really fast too.

She thinks she's hot shit.

The only reason she gets
playing time as a freshman

is because of who her mom is.
- Oh, my God, Jena,

you're so bad.
- I know that I'm a better

forward than she is...

- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.


[knocking on door]

- Coach?
- Yeah.

Hey, can I talk to you
about something?

Course. What's up?

It's kind of serious.

I just--
I'm finding it really difficult

to concentrate during practice

because I want to
f*ck you so bad.

- Whit, what the hell?
- I'm so sorry, I had to.

There are people still here.

Everyone's gone except
like one janitor.

Hold on,
is it Joe or Alejandro?

'Cause Alejandro
notices everything.

Chill, no one saw.
And no one will see this.

We still on for tonight?
- Yeah.

Now get out of here.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God, really?
- Yep.

- I got the job?
- Yep.

Oh, cool!

So, all employees
of Essex Sips need

to submit
their timesheets online

through the, uh, financial aid
work-study portal.

- Okay.
- Portal, guh.

What are we on, "Star Trek"?

- [forced laugh]
- It's funny, right?

You like funny things?
- Um, yeah.

[gasps] I know, we both can
say what we think is funny

on the count of three.
- Oh, uh, no--

Yeah! We'll do it together.
One, two, three.

- Uh, memes.
- Avenue Q.

Oh, memes, that's good too.
- Yeah.

I think we're gonna get along.

You have a good personality.
- Oh, thank you.

Can I tell you something,
between us?

I have some issues
with the other work-study kids

that I manage.

They just have got
a lot of attitude.

Oh, well, I really need
this job to pay for school,

so the only kind of attitude
I have is "can do."

[laughs] That's great,
very clever.

Okay, everybody, huddle up.

Before we open, I'd like
you to meet our new trainee.

This is Kimberly,
and she loves memes.


In addition to other hobbies
and interests, you know?

Which I can't think of
right now, but I have them.

- Canaan.
- Lila.

Cool. I'm really excited
to be working

at Sips with you guys.

I--I'm sure we'll have
a "latte" fun.


I just want to say, you are
a wonderful little lady.

- Okay.
- Oh, is that the menu?

It is.

You know what could be
so cute is if we did

little chalk drawings
that changed every day.

Like, today,
we could do leaves.

Because it's September.

[gasps] I love it, yes.

you're always doodling.

I want you to come in
a few minutes early

and decorate the board.

Why me?
She suggested it.

Well, you're artsy, you know,
so just have fun with it

and draw some g*dd*mn leaves.

[upbeat music]

So what did you say
your last name was again?

Murray, as in Murray library.
The library next door.

I slipped and fell there
last winter.

Broke my tailbone.
- I'm very sorry to hear that.

But can we please focus
on my problem?

It's extremely distressing
to be separated

from one's best friends.

looks like you submitted

a personal habits survey

with Esme Schaffer
and Francesca Bromley

and got a % match-up
with both of them.

Exactly, but then there was
some glitch in the system,

or something, and they got
assigned with some random girl

with weird clothes,
bless her heart.

Well, in addition
to the survey, they also wrote

specific directions in
who they wanted in a roommate.

[nervous chuckle]
Specific how, let me see.

"Do not room us
with Leighton Murray"?

Why? Why the hell would
they write that?

I know.
You seem like such a joy.

Welcome to the "Catullan"
Perspective Writer's meeting.

We're the co-editors.
I'm Ryan, this is Eric.

We want to start
by saying thank you.

It's really great to see such
a big turnout.

That being said,
know this going in.

"The Catullan" is the most
selective extra-curricular

on campus.
- What about a cappella?

Hey, f*ck a cappella!

Look, sure, what Eric's
saying is technically correct.

But I think we're getting
ahead of things here.

for a comedy magazine is fun,

and we look forward to reading
your writing samples.

pieces, words,
no puns, I'm serious.

But rather than me telling
you why you should submit,

let's see what some of
our recent alums have to say.

I'm Oliver Roni, I wrote
for "The Catullan" last year,

and now
I'm a writer's assistant

on a new animated show about
a suburban white family.

Holy shit!

- $ .
- $ if I make this?

Straight to you, cash now.

- Okay, ready?
- Go ahead.

- Did you see that?
- Oh, okay.

I'll give it to you,
I'll give it to you.

- Hey, Canaan.
- Hey.

- Do you like Jay-Z?
- Yeah, I--I guess.

Yeah, I mean,
I think his music is so dope.

And some would say
he's more than a musician.

He's like a prophet too.
- Okay.

Look, I just have to say,

I come from a small town
in Arizona,

and it's really exciting
for me to have a Black friend.

- Oh.
- Or, is it African American?

I don't know, 'cause there are
two schools of thought on that.

What--what do you think?
- Black is--is fine.

- Okay.
- Yes.

So, Black. Cool.

And what--what's it like
being Black at Essex?

Um, you know...

it's hard. Yeah.

You know, not a lot
of people here get me.

And how could they?

I mean, we've led such
different lives.

You know, I've never touched
cashmere before.

I don't really tell
a lot of people this, but...

my mom is addicted to crack.

You know, that's my story.

And now I have to work
three on-campus jobs

just so I can send money
back to her and my baby sister.

And I just have to hope
she doesn't spend it on crack.

Oh, my God,
that is just so much

for you to be dealing with.
- Yeah, yeah, but...

you know what?

It is nothing compared
to what Lila has been through.

I mean, that poor girl
has it so much worse than me.

What's Lila's story?

[chalk drops]
- g*dd*mn it.

What the actual f*ck, okay?

Do you guys have any idea
how humiliating it is

to be friend-dumped
in front of a clerical worker?

Believe me, Leight, we didn't
want it to be this way.

Well, we did want it
to be this way,

but it hurts to see you
so upset.

I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.

what's with this f*cking pause?

Were we not friends?

I mean, we hung out, obviously,

but the truth is, we never
really felt like we knew you.

Yeah, you were always
so secretive or something.

It was like being friends
with a stranger.

What are you guys
talking about?

I literally
tell you everything.

I don't think that's true.

It's like there's this wall
with you.

No, there's...

God, okay, whatever!
Whatever, I don't care.

I'm--I'm sorry that I'm not
like an over-sharer

like every other girl
in our f*cking generation.

I just think
that you could open up more.

Okay, okay,
is this open enough for you?

f*ck you both,
you really hurt my feelings,

and I hope an air conditioner
falls on you.

[low energy music]

♪ ♪

[knock knock]

you haven't been out in a bit,

so I brought you some food
from work.

- What is it?
- A burrito.

Ugh, no, I don't want beef.
Just throw it in the trash.

Look, I know you wanted

to room with your friends
from home.

They're not my friends,
they're mouth breathing c**ts.

Right, okay.

Well, I think
if you give us a chance,

you'll really like living
with us.

We're playing Uno
in the other room right now--

Okay, Kimberly, Kimberly,
I'm from New York City, okay?

And I know from your world,
that probably sounds

like a really fun evening.

But, for me, that's worse
than getting a Pap smear.

So can you shut the door
when you leave?

You guys can borrow
any of my clothes you like--

bras, underwear,
nothing's off limits.

I'd like to borrow yours too,
if that's cool.

- Uh, I'll think about it.
- Yeah.

Sure. No pressure--I'll
follow up about it tomorrow.

is this Leighton Murray's room?

[mellow pop music

♪ ♪

- Hello?
- Yes, uh, she lives here.

Damn, she's a lucky lady.
You guys make a sexy couple.

Ha ha.
She's my sister, actually.

- Yikes.
- Your Leighton's brother?

Then you're practically family!

Come to Mama.
- Oh.

It's like hugging a statue.

- [chuckles]
- Hi, uh, I'm Whitney.

Sorry about her.
- Oh, Whitney Chase.

Your mom's a senator, right?

That's really dope.

I'm Kimberly.
My parents aren't famous.

My dad's a manager
at Walgreen's.

Nice to meet you, Kimberly.

what are you doing here?

Ha. Whoa, Leighton,
you look like shit.

Leight, this isn't that bad.

I mean, for what it's worth,

I thought all your friends
in high school really sucked.

Thanks, you always know
how to cheer me up.

Look, this could be
a blessing in disguise.

I mean,
I don't talk to anyone

from high school anymore.

'cause you don't need to.

Okay, everyone wants
to be friends with you.

I'm just some judgmental
dickhead with hormonal acne.

Hey, hey, stop.
I think your face looks fine.

That is because
I use a great concealer.

Look, Leight, you are
the strongest person I know.

Okay, I'm your older brother,
and I'm even scared of you.

But you--you're going to
crush Essex.

- You really think so?
- I do.

You're a good person

all your bad qualities.

Hmm, thank you.

Hey, so,
Cory keeps asking about you.

He's excited
you're finally on campus.

- Oh, cool.
- So what should I tell him?

You should tell him
that I don't want

to discuss my dating life
with my older brother.

- Ah, okay, fair enough.
- Mm-hmm.

All right. I'm gonna go.

But I think you can handle
being civil to those girls

for the next eight months.
They seem perfectly nice to me.

That's 'cause they want
to have sex with you.

- I know they do.
- Hey.

You're disgusting.

I just...

I've been such a bitch to them,
you know? Like...

Well, do something nice then.

Show them you're gonna be
a good roommate.

I'll see you around.


Were you just changing
in the closet?

What? No.

I mean, I went
from one outfit to another.

So, I mean, I guess you could
call that changing.

Are you, like, religious,
or something?


I've just never lived
with anyone before,

so I don't really know
what to do.

Hey, so I saw you checking
out Leighton's brother tonight.

Oh, definitely not.
No, I have Max.

My boyfriend from home
who I'm, like, in love with.

So if you're saying that
because you like Nico,

you should definitely go
for it.

Nah, that's all right.

I like men, not boys.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Lila.
- Hey.

I just want to say
I'm so inspired by you.

This morning
when my alarm clock went off,

I thought to myself, k*ll me!

But then I was like,
shut up, Kimberly.

If Lila can go through
what she's going through

and come to work,
you can get out of bed.

What exactly
am I going through?

I mean, you know,
it can't be easy with a baby.

And the baby's dad
being incarcerated.

'Cause prison isn't
just for the prisoner.

In a way, it's prison
for the whole family.

The f*ck are you
talking about?

I don't have a kid
or a baby daddy,

and definitely not one
that's in jail.

Oh, but Canaan said--

Yeah, well,
he was messing with you.

And he knew
you'd believe it too

because you're some hick
from Shit Town, Arizoni.

Wow, Canaan,
you're such an assh*le.

Okay, to be fair,
it was pretty funny.

So it was all bullshit?

I bet your mom's not even
addicted to crack.

she's a paralegal in Maryland.

Are you mad
that my mom's not a crackhead?

I mean, no, I--

I mean, I'm just trying
to meet people

at a school
where I don't know anyone.

You don't have to be a jerk.

Okay, relax, relax.

He doesn't mean it.

He's going through
a lot at home.

His brother just ruined
a promising football career

by joining a g*ng.
- Oh, well, I didn't know--

His name is Rashad,

but now he makes us call him
Thug Blood.

Oh, my God, come on.
Shut up.

What is wrong with you two?

both: [laugh]

[rap music]


♪ And I twist twist twist ♪

[whistle blows]

Right here, right here!

♪ ♪

[whistle blows]
- What the f*ck?

Let's go!

♪ Rockin' to that b*at
and breakin' on the knees ♪

♪ Trippin' in the...♪

All right, this is yours,
Whitney, this is yours.

- Ah!
- Oh.

What the f*ck is your problem?

Don't touch me,
you entitled bitch.

Hey, enough, enough,
enough, enough!

All right, you're done
for the day, go.

Just me? Are you serious?
She shoved me first.

Everyone saw it.
- Let's go.

All right,
back to practice everyone.

Come on,
what are you looking at?

- What was that?
- A Kit Kat?

f*ck your Kit Kat.
I'm talking about Jena.

She already hates me.

The last thing I need
is looking like

I'm getting special treatment.

Let me fight my own battles,
I can handle myself.

Yeah, if by handle yourself,
you mean get your ass kicked.

Jena was throwing you around
the field like a ragdoll.

What was I gonna do?
Let her rip your head off?

Look, this is my problem,
not yours.

Really, you're only making
things worse.



Eric, right?
I'm Bela Malhotra.

I'm a freshman.

I was at "The Catullan"
Orientation the other day.

Sorry, there's literally
hundreds of people there.

I'm still reeling
from the emails.

So, I--I know you said
that we should drop off

our submission packets,

but I was wondering
if I could film mine

so you could hear it
in my voice?


Or I could read it
to you right now.

Oh, no,
I really wouldn't like that.

Look, it's great
that you're excited,

but don't be too bummed if you
don't make the staff this year.

Why would you say that?

It's just,
with all the freshman

and all the upperclassmen
that are reapplying,

uh, I don't know if there are
gonna be

that many female spots.
- Female spot--?

You haven't even read
all the submissions yet.

It's just a really
competitive year, you know.

A bunch of siblings of
staff members are submitting,

and we already have
two women on staff, so...

- Of, like, people.
- Look, I hate it too.

I would give anything

for Elizabeth Warren
to be president,

but... keep your chin up.

You know, if you love comedy,

there's like five other
improv troupes on campus.

Oh, and that one group,
the Pot Stickers, is all Asian.


So, these are for you all.

Come on, open them.

- Oh, my God, an iPad?
- An iPad?

Holy Shit.

So it looks like
I will be staying,

and this was my little way of

for being such a bitch.

I should have never
called you tacky,

Podunk, new-money jock.

- You never said that.
- I didn't? Oh.

Anyway, I really feel like
we could have

a positive living experience together.

So what do you think?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[knocking at door]

Hi, I um...

Oh, sorry.
We don't want to sign

your environment petition,
or whatever.

- Oh, um--
- Max!


Oh, my God, this is Max,
my boyfriend.

The one that looks
like Shawn Mendes?

Shawn Mendes, people tell me
I look like that all the time.

what are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you,

so I took the train up
from Princeton,

and thought I could stay
with you through the weekend?

Of course, yes!
I'm so happy to see you.

You got some like, food?

I'm starving, and I left
my credit card at Princeton.

[upbeat music]

Hey, does anyone
have plans tonight?

I might.

Do any of you know what

a Drop It Like F. Scott party

- F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- Huh?

You basically have to look
like a ' s slut.

Oh, sweet.
"The Catullan" is throwing one

for all the people submitting,

but I don't know
if I should go.

I ran into the editor
this morning,

and he basically told me
there's no reason to submit

because there won't be
any female spots this year.

Oh, they have
a quota for gender?

That's insane.

And you should definitely
report him

to University Affairs.
Or, quite frankly, the ACLU.

- [scoffs]
- What?

I'm sorry, but that's the
dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Well, you want them
to pick you, right?


Okay, well,
make them like you.

Okay, like, don't be
some histrionic feminist,

just show them you're chill
and you're fun to have around.

I think Leighton's right.


Desserts are out.

[upbeat music]

♪ I can see through you
I see ♪

♪ You can see through,
I see you ♪

♪ Seeing through you,
I see see ♪

♪ I wanna feel like
this all the time ♪

♪ b*at you with
a little better line ♪

♪ Yeah, oh got you
messin' with me...♪


Hey, Ryan, I just want to say,
I love your work.

You love my work?
Let me guess.

- Yeah.

All right, take it easy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh?

I--I just want to say...

as a woman of color,
and, uh, as a woman in comedy--

let me stop you right there.

I'm super high right now,
so whatever this is,

it's being wasted on me.

Hey, I--I just want
to be part of "The Catullan."

That's awesome.
But it's not up to me.

We all vote.

So if I were you, I'd try
to get those guys on your side.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

- You did what?
- I gave six hand jobs!

Not at the same time,
or anything,

I'm not like a p*rn star.

I talked to each of them,
told them I was a writer,

that I loved their work,
and if they voted for me,

I could be into doing
some hand stuff.

I told them
I'm a girl who's chill,

just like you told me to.

I--I definitely didn't tell
you to jerk a bunch of dicks.

Okay, first off,
why the shade?

I got two things out of this.
This is a win-win for me.

I helped my chances
of getting on "The Catullan,"

and I got to give
a bunch of hand jobs.

No one likes giving
hand jobs!

Maybe I do.
Maybe I love it.

I've had, like,
zero sexual experiences

for most of my sad-ass life,

so if suddenly I'm hot enough
to have a bunch of dicks

thrown my way,
sorry, but, I'ma crank them.

- Ugh.
- What's going on?

Bela traded sex
for an opportunity.

Just like men have been doing
for centuries,

I flipped the script.
- I'm not sure you did.

I'm sex positive, y'all!
Deal with it.

As a feminist, I think
female sex positivity is great.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You're so beautiful.
- Thank you.

- I like your skin tone.
- Uh, my skin tone?

What? What did I say?

You sound like you have
a Black girl fetish.

- No!
- You said no really fast.

I mean, I do tend to find
Black women more attractive

than other kinds of women,
but that's okay, right?

Yeah, that's okay,

until you're like, "Ooh,
I love your chocolatey skin."

I did not say chocolatey.
I know not to say that.

I really like you.
- Okay, good.

I like you too.

If anything,
I have a soccer fetish.

[movement at door]
[whispers] Oh, shit.

We should go.

Leighton is basically Melania,

but the rest of them
seem pretty nice.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

The adjustment's been
way harder than I expected.

I didn't know how rich
everyone would be.

it's the same at Princeton.

My roommate's family brought
help on moving day.

Oh, my--

But I guess
you and I can be poor together.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

[Tom Speight's "Collide"]

♪ ♪

Everybody's asleep.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

♪ Two hearts
and three lost words ♪

♪ Fall through the universe ♪

Should we...

I mean, only if you're ready.
- I'm so ready.

♪ You are ♪

♪ With me from the end
to the start ♪

♪ When gravity pulls on us ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ With me from the end
to the start ♪

Is that--oh.

[soft groaning]


♪ When gravity
pulls on us ♪

[both groaning softly]

Holy shit.

So, I have to work
until : ,

but we can meet up for
a late breakfast after,

if you want.

[gasps] Or we could go
to the campus store

and get you one of those "Proud
Essex Boyfriend" T-shirts.

What's up?
What's wrong?

So, I was thinking,
maybe we should both be free.

I totally agree.
Uh, free from what.

Free from each other.

like free from each other...

Like, are--are you--
are you breaking up with me?

I think of it more as me

initiating a conversation
of our mutual independence.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You took my virginity,
and now you're dumping me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
we took each other's virginity.

Mine was just as fragile
as yours.

Dude, that is f*cked up.

Uh, can we have
some privacy, please?

Uh, no.

You had the common room
all last night

with your grunty,
novice boinking

while we were trapped
in our rooms.

And we had to listen to your
crappy sex playlist on repeat.

You made me hate Ed Sheeran.

Is that why you came here?
To have sex and then dump me?

Look, I really
care about you, Kimberly.

No, don't say anything.

I never, ever want
to see you again.

Um... I am so sorry
about that,

and I'm gonna go,
but I did forget my toothbrush.

Put a shirt on!

Get the f*ck out of here,

[upbeat music]

Hi, Bela.
Hi, Bela, hi, Bela.

Hi, Bela.
Hi, Bela.

I wanna--
no matter what happens,

I want you to know that--

No matter what,
I want you to know

that I am so proud of you.

This is gonna be--
Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.

No matter what happens.
Hi, Bela.

Testing, testing?

Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.

Today you find out if you
make "The Catullan" or not.

But I want you to know that
no matter what happens today,

I'm proud of you.
You're a boss bitch.

And just remember,

Molly Shannon didn't get
"SNL" on her first try.

Neither did Rachel Dratch.

But eventually they all did
and went on to become icons.

And you know what?
You f*cking will--




Dude, can you move? Your
reflection's in my selfie.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Dalton!
- Hey.

Dude, are you serious?

Are Tapitio Doritos really part
of a healthy on-season diet?

Shouldn't you be
leading by example?

- Yeah, no, I know, I just--
- Babe.

is this one of your players?

Hi, I'm Michelle.
I'm Dalton's wife.

It's so nice to meet you.

- This is Whitney.
- Oh, my God, of course.

I'm sorry, not to be a stalker,
or anything,

but I'm a big fan of your mom.

The way she gives it
to the NRA--

I just love her.
- Thanks, she's great.

Yeah, I gotta go.

But it's really nice
to put a face

with the name
I've heard so many times.


[emotional music]

♪ ♪


Did you just throw your trash
on the floor in front of him?

He was already sweeping there.

Oh, so you just
bounce your little

breakfast wrap wrapper
on the ground

instead of carrying it
to the trash

like a normal f*cking person?

What the f*ck is
wrong with you?

He's not your g*dd*mn servant.

- It's not a big deal.
- Look, I get it.

You're some assh*le
from that town

where they sh*t
"Big Little Lies"

or some shit, and you wear
f*cking dollar jeans.

That's not a lot of money
for jeans.

Shut the f*ck up.

Not everyone
on this campus has money.

Some of us have
to work these jobs

because, even if we didn't know
it until we got here,

we're kind of poor.

So, yeah, maybe I don't have
the newest iPhone,

and maybe I don't know
what couscous is,

but I'm still a f*cking person,
and so is he,

so treat us
like we f*cking matter, okay?

Okay, fine.

I'm sorry.

And no pants should cost
more than $ .

I agree with you, bitch.

[upbeat music]

Oh, my God.
This donut is insane.

Do you want a bite?

Uh, no thanks.
I don't eat for enjoyment.

- Leighton, sup?
- Hi.

You remember Cory, right?

From the party
at Montauk last summer?

Uh, we were on the same team
for flag football.

Montauk? Flag football?

That's the whitest shit
I've ever heard.

I mean that as a compliment.
- Oh.

Hey, if you need
a tour around campus,

or something, let me know.

Okay, thanks.

- Does that offer include me?
- No, it definitely does not.

Hey, um, I know we just met,

but would you be willing
to lift your shirt up

and show me your torso?
[both laughing]

I don't think anyone's
ever asked me that before.

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

Ho-ho! That's great.
You're very nice.

Hey, if you and your
roommates are free tonight,

we're throwing a party
at Theta Pi Delta.

You should stop by.
- Yeah, stop by.

Oh, my God, Leighton,
you're gonna f*ck a ten!


Out of these beds, f*ck,

our suite just got invited

to an upperclassmen party.

I don't know about that.
Uh, today was really shitty.

I'm just gonna stay in

and finish this
sad Brazilian documentary

about a snake who ate a boy.

Yeah, I'm staying in too.

No, no, no, no, no.
Turn them off.

We're going out.

How, exactly, did we get
invited to this party anyway?

Oh, Leighton's smoke show
brother, Nico.

And his somehow
even hotter friend Cory,

who wants to rail Leighton.

Yeah, I really, really
don't want to go.

[sighs] Kimberly.


Your boyfriend Max
f*cking sucked.

He ate
all our Nutri-Grain bars,

and I'm pretty sure
he used my loofa.

I know he was your first love,
and your first, you know,


but he was a dud.

Also, he shed on the sofa
like a cat.

The dude was a yeti.
- Ugh.

we don't have power over

when guys treat us like shit.

But what we can control is
how much we let it affect us.

I think Hillary Clinton
said that.

So, I say the four of us
go out, get t*nk,

and, who knows,
maybe we'll end up meeting

a guy who doesn't treat us
like garbage.

Or not.
It doesn't matter.

At least we'll be having fun.

What do you think?

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!


Yeah, she does!

We're gonna go out!

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight
I'm solo dancing in my room ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight, got time
for me, no time for you ♪

♪ Tonight I'm trying
to stay in on my own again ♪

♪ ♪

[rap music playing]

It's freezing.

I wish you had let me wear
my anorak like I had wanted.

No one in the history
of the world has gotten laid

wearing an anorak.


- Yo, let those girls through.
- Yeah, ha-ha!

Oh, g*dd*mn it, you know,
I left my phone in the room.

I'm gonna go back and get it.

No, no, no, no, no,
it's fine, just use mine.

No, it's okay,
I'll be right back.

Do you want us
to wait for you?

No, it is fine.
Go in, go in.

Let's go,
my tits are freezing off.

[dance music]

- [laughs]
- Wow.

I can't believe we got in here.
- I f*cking love college.

♪ There's nothing left
to hide and I ♪

♪ Don't wanna think
about you ♪

♪ I got you in my head,
on my mind ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, shit.

Those two girls from
"The Catullan" are over there.

Oh, go say hi.

Not yet, I'm gonna play cool
for a little bit.

Gotta keep it chill.

Dude, can you stop looking?
- I'm not looking at them.

Just keep your head
facing forward.

Okay, fine!


Oh, no, I'm sorry.
These are open containers.


So someone could have put
something in it.

Do you have a bottle or a can?

Oh, sure.

This frat party has a wide
variety of drink options.

Do you want to see a wine list?

I--I think you're being
sarcastic, but I'm not sure.

These are great.
Thank you so much.

We're gonna go. Thanks.

[phone buzzes]
crowd: Chug, chug,

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!


Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, uh...
- Let me get you some napkins.

No, no, I just want to leave.

I shouldn't have
even come here.

Do you want us
to come with you?

I really want to be alone.


I know you, right?

I live with your sister.

No, not that.
I saw you on move-in day.

You were checking me out.

I was not checking you out.

I mean, I might have been
looking at you,

and, yes, might eyes might have
lingered on your body,

but that's like a totally
normal human reaction

to a shirtless man running.

I definitely was not
checking you out.

Whoa, whoa, I'm just messing
with you, relax.

Are you leaving?
- I am.

Wow, is our party that bad

that even freshmen are leaving
this early?

No, I'm just having
a really shitty day.

Well, what's going on?

I wanted to wear my anorak,
and no one would let me.

And now I'm covered
in pumpkin ale,

and my stupid f*cking boyfriend
dumped me,

And I'm pretty sure he stole
my deodorant before leaving.

- Jesus Christ.
- I know.

Have a nice night.
- Hey, wait.

I can help with this.

Why don't I grab you
something dry to wear,

and you can stay, and
Theta can save a little face.

Yeah, okay, I can do that.


Wow, I'm really smelling
the beer on you now.

I think a bunch of it
got into my bra.

Let me grab you that shirt.

♪ Going insane,
all the alcohol is to blame ♪

♪ Came down from...♪

Hey, it's me, Bela.

Made the first cut
of "The Catullan."

I'm really excited to work
with you guys.

Us girls in comedy gotta
stick together, right?

Blow me, freshman slut.

Maybe you should have
checked first

to see if any of those guys
you jerked off had girlfriends.

♪ ♪

You know,
my friends and I used

to steal shit from Walgreen's
all the time.

My dad would not
be happy about that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Sorry, can we go?
- Oh, sure, is everything okay?

Yeah, totally, party's lame,
just want to go.

- Sorry.
- Oh, it's all good.

Another time.

Should we grab
Whitney and Leighton?

Whitney said she wants
to stay,

and Leighton didn't come back.
She totally blew us off.

Let's go.

Thank you.

- Hey, I'm Whitney.
- Canaan.

- Canaan?
- Yes, Canaan.

Is your mom religious

or just super
into towns of Connecticut?

Can't it be both?

What dorm you in?

- No.
- Excuse me?

Neither of us care
what dorm I'm in.

I want to see your room.
- What?

Show me
what your room looks like.

Oh, you trying to f*ck.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
let's show you the room.

Damn, I must look good tonight.
- You're all right.


[phone chimes]

[phone chimes again]

[phone continues chiming]

- Another.
- Sure.

[mellow song]

♪ ♪

♪ My, my,
hey, hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Rock and roll
is here to stay ♪

♪ ♪

[heavy breathing]

- You're so hot.
- No talking.

Get on the bed.

♪ King is gone,
but he's not forgotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ This is the story
of Johnny Rotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's better to burn out ♪

♪ Than it is to rust ♪

♪ The king is gone,
but he's not forgotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, hey,
my, my ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Rock and roll
can never die ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's more
to the picture ♪

♪ Than meets the eye ♪

♪ Hey, hey,
my, my ♪

♪ ♪

Go to bed.
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