05x12 - Stuck in the Middle and Stuck in the Past

[bunniefuu]

Look at us,

getting up early to do our homework.

This way, we're not in Aunt
Darlene and Uncle Ben's way,

and they can enjoy their new house.

Honey.

Where's your clay dinosaur?

I don't know. It was here a minute ago.

It's okay, we can fix it. Okay.

Uh, you know what?

Let's just call this a rock and move on.

Mommy's got a lot of work
to do on her psych paper.

Okay, I get it.

You don't like me working in bed.

Is it really that big a deal?

Yeah, because you leave the lights on

half the night, too.

I had a dream the cops
were trying to get me

to confess to something.

I... I told them I did it

just so I could go to
prison where it's dark.

Look, it's my bed,
too, so, I don't know,

can't you just wear a sleep mask?

No, because I can hear you typing, too.

- Well, then wear earplugs.
- Oh, really?

Well, why don't I just
shove a rag in my mouth

so that I can't complain?

That would be terrible.

And it's not about that.

It's about catching up
at the end of the day.

- [Sighs]
- That's the time where we're supposed to be

talking to each other.

Come on, sweetie.

Let's leave Aunt Darlene
and Uncle Ben alone

before you start thinking

this is what a normal
marriage looks like.

The computer on the bed

isn't the only thing that's annoying me.

There's other stuff, too, you know.

Whoa, just what I love
in an argument... add-ons.

And... And I almost k*lled myself

tripping over your sweater.

You know, we've got a brand-new house,

and you're just throwing
stuff on the floor.

I bet even Beverly Rose
wouldn't throw her stuff

all over the floor.

I don't want to be a part of this.

You see? Even children know you're wrong

and don't want to be anywhere near you.

♪

Where's Ben?

He loves weird, old
movies like "Urban Cowboy."

He's still at the hardware store.

- We're keeping it open till : now.
- Hm.

You see Travolta and
Debra Winger in bed?

You notice neither of them are working.

Did all those country bars
really have mechanical bulls?

Was that a thing?

Oh, not only country bars.

They had 'em at county fairs.

They even had one at the mall.

They took it out after some drunk woman

got thrown into a fountain.

I rode one once at the county fair.

Stayed on for the full
ride and then some.

Broke the record.

Hmm, you were pretty big back then.

Uh, are you sure the
bull was actually moving,

or did it drop to its
knees and beg for mercy?

Actually, they set it on
high and put it in reverse,

and they still couldn't throw me off.

I think you're remembering it wrong.

Mom told me you were so drunk,

you fell off the bull
before it even started

and just laid on the mat going,

"Get a picture! I'm doing it!"

Not true.

Your mom was just trying
to get you guys to laugh.

Or maybe you're remembering
what she said wrong.

I was there. I know it happened.

Oh, it's okay, Dad.

You're getting older.

It's natural to look back on your life

and feel like you wasted it
and make up a lot of crap.

I'm not doing that.

Your mom took a video
of me riding the bull,

if you need to see it for proof.

I... It's not a big deal, Grandpa.

I'm sure you rode the bull...

and you were a hero in World w*r II,

and you invented the cotton gin.

I mean, those are really cool stories,

even if they aren't true.

You know I wasn't in World w*r II.

Wow, that's a huge
thing to forget, Grandpa.

Alright, you've all had your fun.

Now I'm gonna prove
I'm right by showing you

that video your mom took.

I got a whole box of 'em

right back here in
this closet somewhere.

I'm sure I put that box in here.

You sure you didn't leave it
on the beaches of Normandy?

What are you doing?

I'm getting this all on
video 'cause, later on,

you are gonna say that you knew exactly

where the box was the whole time.

♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, I really need your help.

- You got a minute?
- Becky: No.

I've got a paper on the
moralities of everyday life

due by midnight, and it counts
for two-thirds of my grade.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Well, this definitely is about that.

Your sister put a parental lock

on my computer.

And I can't log in to
work after : p. m.

Looks like that's your new bedtime.

I told you she was nuts. Byyye.

I have to work in bed.

I can't do my paperwork
at the hardware store.

There's too many interruptions.

I mean, when I get into bed,

I can really focus.

You know, I'm already
staying open longer hours,

but I'm trying to find other
ways to increase profits.

Anyway, do you know Darlene's passwords?

Is it birthdays, uh, names, what?

That'd be way too obvious.

- Have you tried "flannel-bitch-queen"?
- Ooh, no.

That's all lowercase, no spaces?

No! Man!

Now I'm locked out for minutes.

Look, I'm trying to finish this paper.
You gotta go.

Oh, of course. I'm sorry. You go ahead.

If you don't mind, I'm
just going to sit here

and cool off,

keep trying things when
this thing opens back up.

- That's fine.
- [Sighs] Damn it!

I mean, there are so many
other things to worry about,

and this is what she picks?

Sorry. Do your thing.

I don't know what her problem is!

It's like, look at us. Look at us.

You need to work, and
I'm leaving you alone.

Why can't she do that for me?!

♪

Let me guess... Somebody
hid a KitKat bar,

and now he can't
remember where he put it.

No, I'm looking for
the damn family movies.

Don't you have someone
waiting for you at home?

I told Louise I'd check on you

while she's on tour.

So, are you feeling dizzy?

Have blurred vision?
Shortness of breath?

Slurred speech?

Only since you walked in.

Alright, well, then you're fine

and I'm on a beer break.

You could take your beer break at home,

'cause I'm not some doddering old-timer

that needs to be checked on.

Yeah. You know, you really ought to get

all those tapes and movies digitized.

It's , Nana.

Hold it. I've heard that
somewhere before.

You! You said that, like,
four years ago,

and I gave you the movies to digitize!

No, you didn't. Must be somebody else.

No, I know I gave them to you, Nana.

And I need that tape of me
riding the mechanical bull

to show the kids.

That's nice, but I don't have them.

I hate those bulls. One of them...

One of them threw me in
the fountain at the mall.

Is this about you
worrying about your memory

because of everything
going on with my mom?

No, this is about losing
all our family's memories.

You have to have that stuff, Jackie.

I don't. I went through
everything before

I moved in with Neville, Dan.

Then you lost them!

You're always doing crap like this!

You didn't give me anything!

And I'm tired of you
blaming me for everything!

That's what you've been
doing for the past years!

And how come it's always because

I'm some flibberty-jibbit

and it's never because you're wrong?!

Because I'm not wrong!

You've been doing stuff
without thinking for years,

like when you took Darlene
to see "The Exorcist"

when she was .

That's why she's the way she is.

I didn't know what the movie was about!

And by the time I did,

that devil thing had obviously

flown off the screen

and embedded itself in her soul.

But you weren't careful!

And now you've lost our
entire family history...

everything I had of Roseanne,

everything of the kids.

It's like we never existed.

No, I would never.

I would guard every painful, pathetic,

impoverished moment with my life.

You're remembering things wrong,

And I'm remembering it right.

- No!
- Yeah!

Now your feelings are hurt, too!

♪

♪

What part of my caffeine shakes

and cortisol-induced BO says to you,

"Come sit for a spell"?

I... I need to talk.

Ben made me unlock his computer,

and now he's hiding away
from me in the basement

instead of coming to bed.

Problem solved. Byyye!

I think he's avoiding me. You know what?

He spends a lot of time with you.

Has he said anything about avoiding me?

No, but I'm sure he is. We all are.

Look, I really need
to finish this paper.

Oh, my God, I only have
two minutes to send it in.

Alright, I only need one.

Do you think that Ben is avoiding me

because he's not
attracted to me anymore?

Well, it's not like you let yourself go.

You let yourself go
in kindergarten, so no.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

So then what is it?

Is he avoiding me because I've

been, so fanatical about the house?

That's gotta be it. Byyye!

Because you know what?

It could also be that I pressured...

Nope! Get out!

- [Cellphone alarm rings]
- Oh. Oh.

Send, send, send,
send, send, send, send,

send, send, send, send, send! Oh!

You're not getting any work done.
Stop playing Wordle.

Nobody cares if you get it in three.

I'm not playing Wordle.

I'm checking the school portal

for the grade on my paper.

Damn! Nothing yet.

I know my professor's
gonna drop it a grade

for being late, but please make it be

a "B" and not a "C."

Why was it late?

[Sighs] Now that it's just me,

Darlene, and Ben in the house,

they've started dumping
all their problems on me

instead of working it
out with each other.

Ugh! Childish.

Grown-ups have to have the guts

to say what's on their mind.

I'm not talking to you!

Please tell your aunt

that I am the one not talking to her.

Well, ask your father
what he's doing here, then.

You know, sound does not stop at me.

The two of you can hear each other.

I only came in here
because I have a tab.

Hopefully, Jackie didn't send my burger

to get digitized

and serve my home movies
to a different customer.

Here's your dumb burger.

You know why I didn't lose the order?

Because this time, you
actually gave it to me.

What is going on?

[Sighs] Jackie lost all our
family pictures and home movies.

Ugh, your memory is going, old man.

This was all you.

Oh, my God, you guys lost everything

from our childhood?

I... I was gonna show
Beverly Rose all that

to prove that Darlene has always
looked like a sad little rag doll

and I've been stunning since birth.

Well, maybe if your aunt realized

she has the memory of
an old prizefighter,

she'd take responsibility
and start looking for them.

I don't care who's to blame.

Not counting Bev, you
guys are the oldest two

living members of this family.

You need to sit down and
record our family history

before it's gone forever.

Tell your father,

- if he's willing to do it, I will.
- Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

You want your kid to know
you were a hot baby or not?

Fine. Jackie says,

if you're willing to do it, she is.

Tell her I'll do it, too,

but don't make it sound
like I rolled over too easy.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, God bless America! Ugh!

This whole Darlene and
Ben thing has gotta stop.

What happened?

My professor did not
accept my late paper,

and now I have to take the
whole damn class over again.

Well, when you start out as a hot baby,

it's all downhill from there.

♪

- Hey, could you come in here?
- [Door closes]

No.

Both of you on the couch, now.

Okay, I'm not even going to comment

that Ben's clothes
are all over the couch,

but why don't we go talk in his closet?

It's probably empty.

Well, that's a fun idea. Let's do it.

I'll meet you there.

If you hear the car
starting, just ignore it.

Because you both kept yammering at me,

I have to take my entire
class all over again!

Oh, man. Sorry about that.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Becky.

- Is there anything I can do?
- Yeah!

You two clowns can sit there

while I help you work through this.

What's going on with you guys

is textbook stuff, literally.

Right here, page ...

"subconscious blaming."

You're working late and
doing paperwork in bed

to punish Darlene.

I knew it was his fault.

How can we fix him?

We have to get to the root of why

he's punishing you. Ben.

- Hmm?
- You're working longer hours,

and you told me that

you're trying to increase profits.

- Mm-hmm.
- How dare you?

Wait, I think I need to hear more.

Is it possible that you
resent having to work so hard

because Darlene isn't
making as much money?

Is that it?

- [Sighs]
- Because when I quit Wellman,

you said you were okay
with me delivering food

while I looked for the
right management position.

Yes, I did say that.

But it isn't true, is it?

No. [Exhales deeply]

This is good.

Tell Darlene how you really feel.

Well, I meant what I said at the time,

but now, I feel like I'm the only one

that's freaking out about money.

And, look, I'm so stressed,
I've become sloppy.

Well, I'm just trying to be optimistic.

Well, stop.

Oh, my God, so you've just
been lying in bed hating me?

- Yes.
- Kinda.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't wanna
come off like an ass.

Well, Ben, we have to be
totally honest with each other,

even if you think that
makes you the bad guy.

Alright, look, I
promise to find something

as quickly as I can.

And then it will be my turn

to resent you for making me settle.

Aww, see, that's all I'm asking.

See this?

We're talking, we're resenting.

We're leaving Becky the hell alone.

So, uh... resentful sex?

Well, that's how I
always have it, but okay.

♪

Thank you for the setup. I will start.

I do remember one of the movies

was all of us on vacation

at Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.

Dan: Oh, yeah.

We stayed at that place

with the cool miniature golf course

they built underground.

It was like having fun

waiting for nuclear winter to pass.

Yes, and I remember that we all

had to split a small cheese pizza

because, according to him,

I should've pushed my way

through the children's orchestra

to grab the last large.

As someone who was in
a children's orchestra,

I can tell you, they
don't get out a lot,

and you wouldn't have won that fight.

No, that was the Dells.

We didn't eat at the mini-golf place

'cause we were trying
to get D. J. unstuck

from the giant clown's mouth.

Oh, yeah! Now I remember that.

I remember.

We could've got him out faster,

but it looked like the
clown was eating a kid,

so we just let everybody take pictures.

Um, Aunt Jackie,

I remember seeing a picture
of you in a giant snowstorm.

Did you guys take any movies of that?

Oh, no. Thank God.

That was the day I stole my dad's car

and I got stuck out
by the forest preserve.

I was lucky that AAA got to me.

AAA? Who in this family

you think could afford that?

That was me and my buddy, JR.

He had a tow truck.

Oh, my God, that's right. That was you!

Oh, my God.

- I can't believe I forgot that.
- [Chuckles]

I can. You're for .

And you're all over me,
saying that I'm losing it.

Maybe you're the old guy

that can't remember anything.

Uh, can you kids give us a minute? Okay?

[Sighs] Okay, this is enough.

We're fighting in front of the kids.

I'm willing to admit

that I'm capable of forgetting things.

I was being overly defensive
about you blaming me

because I'm not that
much younger than you,

and I'm just as worried about

losing my memory as you are.

Alright, well, if we're being honest,

I'm only % sure I
gave you the home movies.

And when I say , I mean .

- Really?
- You know how it is when you get older.

You're afraid that every little thing

means something bigger is coming.

Yeah, or maybe it's just that,

you know, you just don't remember,

and that's all it is.

I mean, the... the one
thing that we're sure of

is that one of us forgot something.

So maybe it doesn't matter
who lost the tapes, right?

Between the two of us,

we've got one good working brain,

and we can help the kids
remember some of the fun things

- that happened on the home movies.
- Yeah, I...

I think we're done.

Most of the other movies were
of us eating at the table.

Oh, no. You're saying that because,

while Roseanne was trying to
create a childhood for the kids,

you were mostly eating at the table.

You know what?

Roseanne wrote all kinds
of crap down in her diary.

Maybe something in
there would remind us.

You know where that's at?

That I do know.

It's in a box on the
top shelf of the cabinet

where the mugs and glasses are.

I never looked through it

'cause I thought it'd be kinda rough.

Well, okay.

Alright, well, I promise

I won't read any of the sex stuff

she wrote about you,
although she did say

it took you a while
to get the hang of it.

Hey, you're... you're feet tall.

Reach for that box, would you?

It's the least I can do

after you spent so much
time on that clever insult.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'm look... Oh, holy crap.

He does have this stuff.

- Wow!
- Oh.

After the hard time he gave you,

you can really shove
this down Grandpa's throat

and make him choke on it.

[Sighs] Look what's become of me.

This is what happens when
you're raised by wolves.

No, no. Slow down, Stretch.

I'm not gonna shame him

just so I can prove that I was right.

I want you to put
that stuff in my trunk.

Dan, you're not gonna believe it.

- What?
- I just remembered.

You did give me all of
the movies and tapes.

They're in my hall closet.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, thank God! I knew it!

I knew I wasn't losing my mind!

Yeah, see, it could have
been either one of us.

This time, it was me.

It's gonna be you next time, too.

My brain is still sharp as ever.

Well, we're both getting older,

but the important
thing is we found them,

and I'll bring them by tomorrow.

Are you gonna remember to do that?

Do you need to write it
on your hand or something?

Well, I thought we
agreed it didn't matter.

That was when there was a chance

it could've been me.

Yeah, but, you know,
it could've been you.

I could've gone in the kitchen
and found them in there.

But you didn't.

- But I could have.
- But you didn't.

Uh, you know what, Dan? I didn't.

And I'm happy it was me
who forgot and not you.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- Leave that for me.
- Yeah. Okay.

Well, I gotta go.

Uh, by the way,

I might not have all of them, okay?

I think the one of you riding the bull

is probably gonna be missing.

♪

Did you and Aunt Jackie find
any good stories in the diary?

I can't bring myself to read it.

You want me to read it to you?

I can just skip anything
I think might hurt you.

- That'd be great. Yeah.
- Okay.

Alright, let's see.

Um, this is from January .

You had meatloaf that night.

Um, that's about all I can tell you.

Okay. Uh, thanks, but
read me the good stuff.

- I wanna hear that.
- Okay.

Stop! We had meatloaf.

That's good enough for me.