02x10 - Home Alone

[bunniefuu]

♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n ♪

♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the w*r is won
Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[CRASHING]

HUEY:
The sectarian conflict

between myself
and my brother Riley

was heading into its eighth
year with no signs of slowing.

[HUMMING]

[♪♪♪]

[THUDDING, SMASHING]

[HUMMING]

[GLASS SMASHING, CRASHING]

[HUMMING]

HUEY:
Come back here, Riley.

Huh?

[GRANDDAD SCREAMING]

I'm tired of you two punksters.

All you do is fight, eat
and f*ck up my house.

You think I wanna deal with
this sh*t at the end of my life?

You know what I'm gonna do?

Fill the bathtub with water

and drown both
your little asses.

Now, move the hell
out of my way.

Still got soap in my ass.

I'm telling you, Tom,
they drive women away.

I used to have an exciting life.

Have fun, travel.

Oh, drink fine wines.
But not anymore.

I can't even go to dinner.
I can't even go to a damn movie.

I come back,
my house look like Baghdad.

I told you before,
you ought to drive them out

to the middle of nowhere,

leave 'em for dead and
then hope for the very worst.

Sounds to me
like you need a vacation.

sh*t, who you telling?
I need to get my black ass away.

Some place far away and exotic.

Absolutely. Splurge.
It's like the rappers say:

do it big.

"Do it big," huh?
I like that.

I could go
on a "do it big" trip.

Ha-ha. Yeah.
Now you're talking. Yes.

[LAUGHING]

It might be time to bring
Mr. b*tches back out

to show them young boys
how the real players play.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, look out.

Mr. b*tches is back
on the scene. Ha, ha, ha.

High-five me. No? Okay.

Yeah, you know what?
You should go to Latin America.

You know,
someplace like Costa Rica.

Oh, I can see it now.

Mr. b*tches hitting
the clubs all night long.

Get a table in VIP,
pop a little Cristal.

Call the girls,
"Hey, babies... "

TOM:
W-w-wait a minute, Robert.

Ha-ha. I don't think you're
supposed to drink Cristal.

Says who?

Says Jay-Z. It's a boycott.

The owner said something racial.
I don't know.

Oh, hold on,
I know what he said.

He said, and I quote:

"I don't want no big n*gg*r lips
drinking my fine wine,"

and I applaud him for putting
conviction over profit.

Well, I don't know
if that's what he said,

but you're not
supposed to drink it.

But I wanna drink Cris.

Poor white man.

He can't have nothing nice
for himself no more.

Polo?
n*gg*r*s got to that.

Timberland?
n*gg*r*s got to that too.

Mercedes, Versace, white women.
n*gg*r*s, n*gg*r*s, n*gg*r*s.

Hey, Robert, if you want beef
with the Roc, that's on you.

Hope the Jigga Man ain't there.

Like I give a damn.

sh**t,
I drink what I wanna drink.

Besides, I packs the heat.

I wish a n*gg*r would try
to tell me what to drink.

Once you pop the Cris,

that's when the pretty
señoritas come running

because they know there's
a rich American in the room.

TOM: Yeah! I bet our dollar
is worth of theirs.

GRANDDAD: sh**t, all you gotta
do is flash a little change.

Ballin'!

GRANDDAD: And it's on.

[TOM AND GRANDDAD LAUGHING]

TOM: Yeah, you know what?
I think I might join you.

[TOM SCATTING POORLY]

Uh, damn, Tom,
are you sure you wanna come?

I mean, you married.

Are you even allowed
to do it big?

Ha! Oh, listen to this:

"Am I allowed"?

Sure, as long as I stay
within the agreed parameters.

Ha, ha.
Hey, I'm not dead, you know.

I still do the darn thing
from time to time.

You and me baby, doing it big.
It'll be great.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yeah, I guess so.

Pictures?
Yes, I'll take a dozen -by- .

Yes. Jay-Z.
Yes. Cousin of mine.

Heh-heh. First cousin.
More Cristal?

You are so exotic and beautiful.

Mm. Black sexual chocolate man.

TOM: Waiter, another Malibu
and pineapple, please.

Thank you.
Ha, ha, ha.

So then my dream
got really weird,

'cause I was a mummy
in a Japanese girl pop band.

I had a skirt on and everything.
Do you know what that means?

I am so bored.
I wanna go home.

Well, we wanna go have a nasty
threesome with Mr. b*tches,

but if you guys wanna leave...

Huh? No! No, please wait. No.

See you.

GRANDDAD:
Wait a minute!

[♪♪♪]

[SHOUTING]
Told you so!

TOM:
So, what do you say?

Should I call my travel agent
or what, huh?

Uh... Yeah.
Let me, uh, check my schedule.

HUEY: In the past, Granddad has had
complications with babysitters.

Oh, my God. What should we do?
Games, hula-hooping, Hot Wheels?

I know. We should make s'mores.
Tell stories? Hide-and-go-seek?

Can we play cops-and-robbers?

I wouldn't.

Cops-and-robbers?
Sounds like fun.

[SCREAMING]

Bitch, this all you got?

Three dollars
and a prepaid cell phone

with f*cking two minutes on it?

HUEY:
That landed us on DontSitEm.com.

No teenager in the world
would babysit us now.

Granddad was forced to hire

one of those no-nonsense
British super nannies.

Which actually worked out,

except Granddad
set up a nanny cam.

GRANDDAD:
This is when you used my telephone.

Who the hell you got to talk to?

You left the lights on
in the kitchen.

I don't see nobody there.
Do you?

Sitting up here,
watching television,

all the lights on.

Using up all of my electricity,
eating a sandwich.

I'd like a sandwich myself.
All my bologna is gone.

What's wrong with you, woman?

HUEY: After that, Granddad
had to be more creative.

Excuse me, uh, my name
is Positive Brother Hakeem

from Positive Big Black Brothers
and Sisters of America.

And I understand you have
two misguided young brothers

who need some positivity.

Yep, bedtime's at .
Have fun.

Local calls only on my phone,
thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[HUMMING]

[MUFFLED MURMURING]

[GASPS]

[WHIMPERING]

[SIGHS]

HUEY:
Costa Rica for two weeks?

How are we supposed
to survive for two weeks?

Man, what we gonna eat?

Oh, now you worried
about how you're gonna

make it without your Granddaddy.

Y'all should of thought about
that when y'all f*cking up.

It's too late now.
I may never come back.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

sh**t, it's Tom.

Y'all can't tell him I left.

Why not?

He wanna go to that
"do it big" trip too,

but I can't roll
with a square like Tom,

so I'm gonna go
and pretend I didn't go,

and take that lie
with me to the grave.

So don't tell him.
Say I went to the store.

You went to the store
for two weeks?

Yes, and don't you go snitching.

Well, it's harder to talk
if my mouth is full.

All right, fine.

I left food money
in the cabinet above the oven.

That's all you gonna get.
So make it last.

Hey there, Robert,

I'd offer to help you,
but you're a co*n.

What's he doing here?

He's your sitter.

Granddad, me and Riley
don't need no babysitter.

We can take care of ourselves.

Yeah, not like we gonna
try to k*ll each other.

Shut up. Do what Ruckus says
and don't mess up my house.

He don't even like black people.

Man, this punk fool right here.

Okay, first of all,
ain't nobody talking

while I'm talking,
so shut the f*ck up.

My name is Uncle Ruckus,
and I will be n*gg*r-sitting

you two until your
grandfather returns.

Your granddaddy picked me

because
I am a licensed zoologist.

I have studied
a variety of wild animals,

and the African male is by far
the most savagely cunning.

This is an opportunity
to observe you n*gg*r*s

in your natural habitat
and collect data.

But be warned,
whatever n*gg*r trickery

you got up your sleeves
does not effect me.

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Please do not look Muslim at the airport.

Hijacking is against the law.

Damn, I hate airports.

This is all for show.

sh**t, I bet you I could
sneak a midget on the plane

with a stick of dynamite
up his ass.

Do not say "b*mb"
at the airport.

Oh, hurry up.
I'm trying to do it big.

Damn.

Boarding pass and ID.

Due to a heightened level
of security,

no colored liquid or people
are allowed to board a plane.

Please do not bring AK- s
onto the plane.

Boarding pass and ID.

I've already showed it to her.

Sir, I need to see
your boarding pass and ID.

But I just showed it to her.

I need to see it as well, sir.

But I just showed it to her,
then I walked straight to you.

Sir, I don't have time for this.

It's 'bout time for my break
and you are stepping on my time.

You don't have time? sh*t.

I'm the one
with a plane to catch.

I don't wanna show my ID again.

The only thing I did was put
my boarding pass and ID away

which is why I don't
wanna get it out again.

Doesn't that makes sense?

I didn't become a different
person in the last five feet!

Mm-hm. We got a problem here.
Requesting backup.

Okay. Okay, fine. Damn.

I hate damn airports!

Boarding pass and ID.

[SCREAMS]

The first time
you break the rules,

you get the cattle prod.

The second, you get
the electric dog collar.

The third time,
I'm calling up the lynching mob.

Yeah. Yeah.

Player, player.
Get to the clubs.

Get the little pretty girls.

Let them all kiss
all over me, and...

[SNORING]

[♪♪♪]

[COCKS]

What the...?

[BB sh*ts]

RUCKUS: Ow!

My ball sack, my ball sack!
Ah!

Somebody help! Ah!

Somebody, anybody,

save me from these
African hooligans!

Oh, oh.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, please, Jesus.
Oh, Lord. Wha...?

[BB sh*ts, RUCKUS SCREAMING]

Oh, Lord!
Why has thou forsaken me?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah-heh-heh-heh-heh.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Haters say, "ha" ♪

♪ Haters say, "what?" ♪

♪ 'Cause if you hate on me... ♪

This place is nasty,
clean it up.

You ain't the boss of me, n*gga.

Hey. While Granddad's gone,
I'm in charge.

Why do you get to be in charge?

Why can't we take turns?

'Cause I'm the oldest.

Yeah?
Well, you're also the gayest.

So I think
I should be in charge.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Man, clean it up now.

You clean it up, bitch.

Hey there, Huey,
is your grandfather in?

I need to talk to him.
We're planning a trip.

He had to run out and get
some things, Mr. DuBois.

He say when he's gonna be back?

Try his cell, Mr. DuBois.

Oh, okay.

Well, heh-heh-heh,
it's just that...

Well, his, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

His car is right there,
and, um...

It won't start.
He took a cab, Mr. DuBois.

Oh.

Okay.

Riley. Riley,
I'm going to the store.

Figure out what you wanna eat.

The money.

What up?

[♪♪♪]

What the...?

Now, before you start hating,

ask yourself... Be honest.

ain't I clean now?

Man, how we gonna eat?

I don't know, n*gga,
you in charge.

HUEY: Take it off.

Hey, raise up off my gear.

RILEY: I'm saying, you ain't
have to ruin my shirt like that.

I can't even pop
my collar no more.

I gotta figure out
what we're gonna eat.

Can't you just be happy to see
another n*gg*r fitted up,

looking dipped in butter,
shining and glistening?

We're gonna run out of food
in a few days.

You supposed to be in charge.
You supposed to be the leader.

Lead us to some breakfast then,
n*gg*r. n*gg*r... What?

What, you want some,
n*gg*r? Huh?

All right, come on, n*gg*r.
Let's go. I been waiting.

No. I'm not gonna fight you.
I'm grounding you.

Ground me?
What is this, Family Ties?

n*gg*r, you can't ground me.

I just did.
Don't leave the house.

This n*gg*r must have lost it.

I wanna know what this n*gg*r
been smoking. sh**t.

Talking about I'm grounded.

I'm Young Reezy.
I goes where I wanna go.

[♪♪♪]

You're grounded.

You better have eyes in the back
of your head, n*gga.

[♪♪♪]

Huey, where my g*ns?

I confiscated them for security.

I have supreme authority
over the house

until Granddad comes back.

You have supreme authority
over these nuts. I'm leaving.

You wanna stop me,
you gonna have to sh**t me...

[YELPS]

Cristal costs how much?

Oh, no, no.
You got any Thunderbird?

I'll take Thunderbird.

Oh, excuse you, little lady.

Hey! That's my suit you just...
Went in my personal space.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey there, Huey.
Just me again. Ha, ha.

Is, um, your Granddad around?

He's still at the store,
Mr. DuBois.

Still?

Uh-huh? Oh, really?

Okay.
I guess I'll just, um...

Yeah.

[CROWD CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY]

MAN:
Man, I'm having the best time ever.

Look at all the Spanish women.

HUEY: Riley made several more
attempts to leave the house.

Okay.
All right, here we go.

[♪♪♪]

What? Hey, hey, hey.
Quit playing, n*gga.

Huey. Huey, quit playing.
Quit it. Huey.

Eventually, he had
to be forcibly restrained.

Hey.

[♪♪♪]

I had no idea how we were gonna
last until Granddad came home.

Assuming he ever came
back at all.

He's probably having
the time of his life.

MAN: Oh, my God... Oh, no.
Don't take your top off.

[MAN CHEERING]

HUEY:
We ran out of food and drink.

I was forced to start rationing
what little we had left.

More and more,

I started to hate Riley
for driving Granddad away.

MAN: Get outta here. Go next door... Psych.
Come on in.

Oh, it'll be great.
The more the merrier.

HUEY:
He was always watching.

Always waiting
for me to make a mistake.

I rarely slept.

MAN:
Man, more women?

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

[SCREAMING]

HUEY: I soon forgot which
one of us was the prisoner.

[GRUNTING]

MAN:
More b*tches. Hey, call me Mr. b*tches.

[MAN LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, boy.

Hey, Granddad.
Uh, how's the trip?

You ready to come home?

Are you kidding?
I'm having a great time.

Whoo! Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, little girl,
stop tickling me.

I'm talking to my grandson.

Doing it big.
So how's the house?

Great.
We're fine, no problems.

Okay,
guess there's no need of me

rushing home early
or anything, huh?

Which is great for me,
'cause I'm doing it big.

So, what's new?
What you mad at this week?

Hey, uh, Granddad, I gotta go.

MAN:
Wait, what's Spanish for breasts?

[SIGHS]

[MAN LAUGHS]

[CRASHING]

[RILEY WHINING]

You going in the closet.

Let me go!

Hey! Hey, man,
let me out of here.

Hey! I'm closet-phobic.

[GRUNTS]

[DOORBELL DINGING]

I know where he is.

I'm not stupid.

He went on the
"do it big" trip without me.

He's off having
the time of his life.

Granddad is running errands,
Mr. DuBois.

Barring an unforeseen
catastrophe,

he'll be home soon.

He better, 'cause I'm angry.

You ready to come out?

♪ Oh ♪

[♪♪♪]

The g*n...

Say hello to the bad guy.

[RILEY CACKLES]

Damn you, Riley.
You've ruined our family.

You drove Granddad away.
Now he's never coming back.

Granddad left 'cause of you.

Nobody likes you, Huey,

'cause you a gay-ass,
hater, faggy boy.

[RILEY CACKLES]

[BB sh*ts]

[YELLING, GRUNTING]

Okay, I'm reloaded!

[RILEY CACKLES]

How you like that, fool?

[YELLS]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Why does it always have
to end up like this?

'Cause you's a bitch.

Don't do it.

♪ Hey ♪

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Jesus.

Robert!

Why? What did I do? I'm fun!

Why does everyone think
I'm not fun?

Why am I always
the one getting ditched?

[SOBBING]

I don't know why I'm not cool.

Tom, you think I went
all the way to Costa Rica

and back in two days?

Then w-where were you?

None of your damn business.

We'll do the "do it big" trip
some other time.

Oh, okay. Ahem. Cool.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, by the way, Robert,
I, um...

I left some, um, joke voicemails

that you can just, um...
Heh.

go ahead and delete. Ha, ha.

[BOTH GROANING]

Boys!

Granddad!

Granddad.

Heh-heh-heh, hey!
Give me a hug.

You came home.

You home early.

'Cause I figured y'all was
destroying my house. Hm.

Doesn't look too bad.

[DOOR SHUTS]

How was Costa Rica?

Did you do it big?

[CHUCKLES]

sh**t, you betcha.
Mr. b*tches is back in effect.

Heh-heh. Uh, you...
You should have seen it.

Phew.

They couldn't handle it.

It sure is good
to be home, though.

Let's clean this up.

All right.

GRANDDAD [ON MACHINE]:
You've reached Robert...

WOMAN:
Please enter your password.

You have unheard messages.
First message:

RUCKUS: Robert. Them little n*gg*r*s
are evil. It was terrible.

Oh, all the things
that they done...

WOMAN:
Deleted.

TOM:
Hey, Robert. This is Tom.

Found out some great stuff
about Costa Rica. Ha, ha.

Call me back.

WOMAN:
Deleted.

TOM:
Robert, it's Big Tom. Holler back!

Heh-heh-heh. Time to...

WOMAN:
Deleted.

TOM: Hey, Robert...

WOMAN: Deleted.

TOM: What the hell, Robert?
Did you go without me?

You went without me.
I know you went. You did.

You did not go without me...

WOMAN: Deleted.

TOM: That's real nice, Robert.
That's real f*cking...

WOMAN:
Deleted.

[♪♪♪]