03x02 - b*tches to Rags

[bunniefuu]

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[ALARM BEEPING]

[SNORES]

Oh.

My glasses.

Hey!

Dorothy!

I'm coming, baby!

I'm coming!

[PANTING]

You're not taking Dorothy!

You should have paid
your car note, assh*le!

That car's been paid for
since !

W-W-Wait, wait.
Is this Timid Deer Lane?

Hell, no!
This is !

That's !

* Too many cars
In my driveway *

[YAWNS]

Huh?

* In my driveway *

* I got boats
I got planes *

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Damn! What now?

[SIGHS]

Ha-ha! What up, little man?
What up?

You bring that extra controller?
Yep.

That's what's up.
Come on in, n*gga.

Hey, man, apologize
to your granddad for me

about that mix-up earlier.

I been waiting to get rid of
that piece of sh*t car anyway.

You know,
'cause I called 'em, right?

I was like: "Y'all need to get
this m*therf*cker out of here,

'cause I don't want this
no more."

I'm about to cop the new sh*t,
n*gga.

You know what I mean?
Oh, okay.

So everything's okay?
Okay?

Everything is better
than okay, it's Thugnificent!

You just wait to see
the moves your boy is making.

Know what I'm saying? Federal
Reserve calling me for loans,

Obama and sh*t?
Know what I'm saying?

n*gga, you need some money?

Man, who the f*ck is this
calling me...?

Ha.
Warren m*therf*cking Buffett.

What up, n*gga?
Aw, n*gga,

stop b*ating around the bush.
How much you need?

Two billion?

I'm giving you eight.

And don't pay me back,
n*gga, you good.

All right, my n*gga.

Uh, let's just turn
the game on.

RILEY:
Oh, yo! It's Sergeant Gutta!

Turn it up, man!
Turn it up!

THUGNIFICENT:
Oh, man,
not this m*therf*cker again.

I swear to God, every time
I turn the TV on,

I see this n*gga.

* Crank that
Crank that artichoke *

* Sergeant Gutta
Do that dance *

* Watch me, watch me *
So is this it?

Is this what the kids like?

This what's hot
in the streets, Riley?

Well, he sold over
a million records

and he do have the number one
song in the country

and he got a dance.

* Crank that artichoke *

Is that what it takes
for a n*gga

to go platinum nowadays,
a dance?

Man, anybody can make up
a dance.

* Crank that
Crank that artichoke *

[LAUGHING]

Man, you look crazy.

You ain't gotta make up
no dance

just because he got one.

I ain't gonna lie though,
I kinda mess with it.

I mean, but your stuff
is good too.

Hey, you just wait
till my new album drops.

All y'all n*gg*s gonna see
I still got the game on smash.

Hey, you wanna hear
some tracks?

[SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUTO-TUNE VOCALS]
* I'm a magnificent thug *

* I am Thugnificent *

Wow. So you doing
the robot effect on your voice.

Yeah, it's that
Auto-Tuner, son.

It lets you sing,
even if you can't sing.

[AUTO-TUNE VOCALS]
* It's terrible
In Terrabelle *

* That's where I'm from
It's terrible *

Wow. So you used it
on this one too.

Yep. Every song
on the whole CD.

Hot, right?

Heh, yeah.

RILEY:
I thought Flonominal was
supposed to be back this week.

THUGNIFICENT:
Man, that n*gga, man.

You know he went and got a job?

A what?
I know, n*gga.

That's what I said. A job?
Can you believe this?

Talking about he need
health insurance and sh*t.

I'm like, "damn, n*gga,
pull down your skirt."

Know what I'm saying?
Take the d*ck out your ass.

Acting like
little b*tches, man.

And this n*gga Macktastic,
went back to pimping and sh*t.

It's funny how n*gg*s
change on you, man,

know what I'm saying?
So you here all by yourself?

Yeah, just me.

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Just got back from work.
Hey, y'all hungry?

Oh, and Leonard.

Oh, man!

My Frosty is melted!
Damn it, Leonard!

What the f*ck, n*gga, did you
take the long way home again?

My bad, it took longer
'cause I had to ride my bike

since the car had got...
Uh, never mind, man, f*ck it.

LEONARD:
Should I tell you
what happened to the car?

THUGNIFICENT:
I said never mind!

MAN:
Okay, we're back.

This is DJ Vlad
and I told you we have a very,

very special guest
in the studio this morning.

This man right here
is a legend in the game.

A pioneer, if you will.

Give him respect, Thugnificent!

What up everybody.
Man, what an honor.

How are you, man?
Who, me?

Heh, oh, you know,
I'm Thugnificent!

[LAUGHS]

What's it like for you older
cats now in the game

in terms of, you know,
where you fit in musically?

I mean, what was it like,
you know,

when you were at your peak,
so to speak?

Which was so long ago.
I'm saying, I mean,

my first joint came out, like,
four years ago. You know that?

I know, seems like ,
doesn't it?

Now, the new CD drops
next week, right?

No doubt, no doubt.
The CD is crazy.

It's on fire. It's got
something for everybody.

It's got joints for the streets,
it's got joints for the ladies,

it's got joints for the ladies
in the streets.

The CD is called,
Mo' b*tches, Mo' Problems,

you know what I'm saying,
so go cop that.

Shout out to B.I.G.
Real hip-hop, you feel me.

B.I.G.? Whoo,
talk about old school.

All right, so, Thugnificent,

who you feeling
in the game right now?

What are you banging
in your trunk right now?

Okay, okay. You know,
I'm definitely feeling

a lot of cats right now.

I'm feeling my main man,
uh, Young Cow Tipper,

Joc Daddy Pimp, Lil' Hob Nobba,

Goo Goo da Bone Mouf.
Little Rich.

Ezbot and Rose, I'm feeling
Willie Whistle Work C, uh,

my main man,
Trick Money Smitty.

Lil Phanta,
putting in his work.

Look out for his mix tape.

Pew Boi Pimp,
Nasty Murda Trae, Epis Green,

Lil' Big Dolla,
Snowbunny Sampson.

Um, I'm feeling
a lot of cats right now.

Lot of people doing they thing.

Ha-ha. Now what about
Sergeant Gutta?

THUGNIFICENT:
Man...

f*ck Sergeant Gutta!

That n*gga can eat a d*ck!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hold on, hold on, everyone
quiet down, quiet down!

Wow. I just want to make sure
I heard you correctly.

I said f*ck that n*gga!

I ain't... I ain't really
the type of n*gga to be,

you know, all on the radio,
running his mouth,

starting beef and all that,
you know what I'm saying.

But I'm just saying, that sh*t
sound like some bullshit!

And that Ret*rded dance, man.

See, that's what you get
when you let -year-olds rap.

How... How old...
How old is that n*gga?

That n*gga years old, dawg.

Yo, well, he sound like
he months old.

That n*gga sound like he
got a nipple in his mouth.

Hey, Sergeant Gutta,
I got an idea.

Why don't you take
your momma's m*therf*cking titty

out your mouth
so you can rap, n*gga.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[***]

RILEY:
Thugnificent's CD dropped
the next week.

SoundScan say
he ain't sold sh*t.

Thugnificent
was all f*cked up.

[SOBBING]

Yo, it's Thugnificent.
You know what, matter of fact,

it ain't Thugnificent.
You know why?

Because I ain't feeling
too Thugnificent right now.

This Otis. That's right,
you all n*gg*s getting

the government name.
It's Otis Jenkins.

And I gotta holler
at y'all real quick

about why y'all ain't coming out
to support your boy.

Y'all ain't supporting
Thugnificent

and I think
that's real f*cked up.

All y'all n*gg*s
can eat a d*ck.

All y'all m*therf*ckers
on my friends list.

I'm talking about Facebook
n*gg*s as well as MySpace.

If y'all ain't buying the CD,
don't holler at me online,

no friend requests, nothing.
Y'all send me stupid

f*cking messages all day,

but won't pay for my damn song?

I hate y'all n*gg*s, man.
"Hey, hey, Thugnificent,

"Is it 'booty butt cheeks'

or is it
'move them butt cheeks'?"

n*gga, who gives a f*ck?
It's a song about butt cheeks!

THUGNIFICENT:
Well, why ain't I getting
no spins?

No, no, no, it's your job
to make sure it gets played

on the radio, not...
Say what? You wanna drop me?

You wanna drop Thugnifi...
Hello?

Damn, damn, damn!

Everything okay?

Huh? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
little man.

Everything's cool. Um, just time
to make some bigger moves.

You know what I'm saying?
That's all.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, what's up, y'all?

[HUMMING]

Hey, man.
I got a surprise for you.

I've seen that video
you put on your MySpace.

You know, how they don't be
buying your CD and stuff, right?

Well, here.
I got 'em today after work.

I spent my whole check,
but I want you to know

I support you, man.

See, that... Look at 'em!
What the f*ck do I need

several copies
of my own CD for, Leonard!

Come on, man,
we can't afford for you

just to be throwing money away!

I didn't throw it away.

I-I bought the...
You didn't...

And that reminds me, man.

I don't know what we gonna do,

but I don't think
I can keep supporting us

off my Wendy's checks.
Oh, here we go.

What you trying to say,
Leonard? Huh?

How long did I carry you, n*gga?

How long did I pay the bills
in this m*therf*cker

that you living in?
See how n*gg*s forget?

You see? You see
how n*gg*s forget?

No, no, Thugnificent,
it's that I only make, like,

. a hour and the mortgage
on this place is, like,

, a month.

So I did the math
and that means I'd have to work,

like, hours a day.
So I went in,

asked the manager
for some overtime and he said:

[IN DEEP VOICE]
"He couldn't do it 'cause it's
against company policy.

"You just started here.
Who you think you are?

"Be lucky with the hours
that you get.

Cindy's pregnant
and she has to work."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I was like, "but Cindy..."
I figure maybe I could work

two jobs at the same time.

Maybe I could be on the phone
doing some telemarketing,

and work on, like,
some art and sell art

out of the back of Wendy's.
Oh, man! Why me?

I did everything
I was supposed to do.

I used that stupid
f*cking Auto-Tuner on my voice,

I instigated a rap beef.

And I even tried
to make a dance, n*gga.

Nothing seems to work.
Um...

Thugnificent?
This might be a bad time,

but Sergeant Gutta just posted
a response to you on YouTube.

Hey, dawg.
First off I wanna say

that I'm a huge fan
of Thugnificent.

I grew up listening
to Thugnificent.

Matter of fact,
I'd even go ahead,

as far to say that I love
this n*gga, no h*m*.

He is one of the real n*gg*s

that made me
wanna do this sh*t.

But f*ck this old-ass n*gga,
man!

[LAUGHING]

This old n*gga
is old enough to be my dad

and he telling me
to eat a d*ck?

n*gga,
what's wrong with you?

You a grown-ass man
and you telling a -year-old

to eat a d*ck?
I know your mother

raised you better than that,
dawg. Matter of fact...

[PHONE DIALING]

Excuse me,
is this Miss Jenkins?

WOMAN: Yes, it is.
My name is Sergeant Gutta.

And I don't know
if you aware,

but your son said
some very rude things

about me on the radio.
Yes, I know.

He said some very rude things.
He's too old

to be acting like that,
and I know I don't like him

using that language either.

You know, I one time...
That was your momma, n*gga.

Your momma.

Grow your old ass up,
n*gga.

I hope you go broke,
you feel me?

I hope that the IRS
is on they way over

right now to take
your sh*t, n*gga.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[***]

[SIGHS]

I believe, this is the gentleman
you're looking for.

MAN:
Otis Jenkins?

We're from the
Internal Revenue Service.

Toodles!

THUGNIFICENT:
Damn! Damn! Damn!

[***]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[***]

How much you owe?
Man, them m*therf*ckers

want me to pay a ,
in the next six weeks

or they gonna take my house.

Look, I told you
what you need to do.

I know, man,
but I'm saying, a job?

I mean, wasn't that the point
of us being rappers,

so we wouldn't have
to get a job? Look, man.

You shouldn't have given up
so easily.

If you and Mack
were still here...

Otis, it's over.

We were lucky, man.

We had a great time,
we got to be rock stars,

and see some sh*t that most
people never get to see.

But it's over.
You got a degree, n*gga.

You got options.
That's more than most people.

I can get you in the door, man.

Think about it.

* I makes it rain, n*gga *

MAN:
Okay, Mr. Otis Jenkins.

Says here you have a bachelor's
degree in communications.

Yeah, but, uh, I don't normally
go by my government name.

So you can just call me
Thugnificent.

I can call you Thugnificent?

You've never heard my music? I
thought Flo would've told you.

We were in
the Lethal Interjection Crew.

By "Flo", you mean Derrick?

No, he didn't mention that.

Rappers, you say?
Oh, yeah.

We did a song called
"FuckGranddad", uh,

about f*cking up old people.

Did a song called
"Stomp 'Em in the Nuts",

which was, ironically, about
stomping n*gg*s in the nuts.

You know, real sh*t.

Derrick neglected
to mention this on his resume.

Yeah, music is in our blood,
man, that's what we do.

You know, we just
in a transitional period

with our career right now,
so, anything we do now

would just be temporary.
Derrick too, I presume?

Hell, yeah.
Flo is my n*gga.

As soon as I'm back on,
he's back on, you know.

Pow! We out of here.

[LAUGHS]

Good to know.

Hey, Flo. Hey, I didn't know
that he didn't know...

Flo. Come on, man,
don't be like that.

Flo. I didn't know, Flo!

I love you, man.

No h*m*.

[***]

LEONARD:
Man, I don't know
what we gonna do.

We all knew
it was gonna come to this.

LEONARD:
Yo, is that what I think it is?

You ain't never seen no yayo?

Yes, I'm just trying
to figure out what this is.

That's real cocaine, n*gga.
Hm. Where'd you get it?

n*gga, don't worry about where
I got it. I got my connects.

Ed the Third.
So what are you doing with it?

"So what are you doing with it?"

We gonna cook it up,
slang it on them streets,

and get paid, n*gga.
How do we do that?

I mean, how hard can it be?

I think there's some rap songs

that tell you how to do it,
right?

* Pull the water from the oil *

* Get a turkey baster
Also that baking soda *

* Will help you stretch that *

Okay, he said something
about baking soda.

Damn. Man, this sh*t don't
actually say how to make it.

Oh, what the hell,
let's check Wikipedia.

* Customers all night
Just make sure *

* It got a little complexion *

* Metaphor the Great
Find me *

* Serving in
The smoking section *

* I'll show you how to cook that
Show you how to bake cr*ck *

* Show you how to hit
That block to make trap *

* I'll show you
How to cook that *

* Show you
How to bake cr*ck *

* Show you how to hit
That block *

* And make trap all day *

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Pardon me,
are you selling cr*ck?

Uh, what it look like
I'm doing?

Here.
Oh, lovely, lovely.

I'll take two, please.

Thank you.
Have a wonderful day.

Excuse me, man,
I'm looking for some cr*ck.

Uh, yeah.
Got your cr*ck right here.

Wait a minute.
You're Thugnificent! Oh, my God.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

No, no, it's you.
It's definitely you.

Oh, man,
I love your stuff, man.

What are you doing
out here selling cr*ck?

I'm not Thugnificent.
I'm an ordinary cr*ck dealer.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Can you please give me
the cr*ck? I need three.

Dude,
what happened on your last CD?

You're so much better than that.

Don't know
what you talking about.

Can y'all hold this off
for a minute? cr*ck...

I mean, a couple of the beats
were okay, but Auto-Tuner?

The Auto-Tune is f*cked up.

The Auto-Tune is terrible.
Look, I'm not Thugnificent!

Now, get the f*ck away from me.

Yo, I'm serious!
Uh, excuse me, sir.

I'd like to return this cr*ck.
What?

I haven't gotten mine,
and you bringing sh*t back.

I said I would like
to return this cr*ck.

This ain't Walmart.
There ain't no return policies,

no m*therf*cking exchanges!

No, no, it is defective
Look, it's all burnt up.

Look, singed around the edges.

Ain't nothing wrong with
this cr*ck. Good cr*ck.

Ain't sh*t happening
with my cr*ck.

You not good at this, 'cause my
cr*ck dealer is a lot faster.

Are you gonna be here
for a while?

I mean, I'd like to go get
my cousin. He's a huge fan.

Don't go get your...

No, no, wait...
Look, there is no reason

to be rude, I paid good money
for this cr*ck

and it is all burnt up!
Look!

KID: See, I told you!
Look, see?

Sir, sir, sir,
you're not even looking.

Oh, my God, it is Thugnificent,

I can't believe it.
Can I take your picture?

No! Don't you... Ni...

Don't you see
I'm selling cr*ck?

Could I just get mine and go?
I was supposed to pick up

my daughter from school
eight hours ago.

Now, if you don't give me
some new cr*ck, or a refund,

I, sir, will take
my business elsewhere.

Will you m*therf*ckers
get away from me?

[YELLING]

Man, Leonard, who do I know
that still does cocaine?

Think, think, think. Oh!

Yo, Steve. Steve
from Hollow Point Records.

Yo, that n*gga does cocaine
and he got a lot of paper.

Hey, yo, Steve.
Uh, it's your boy, Otis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

Um, look,
I got some stuff you, uh,

might be interested in.
Ha-ha.

No doubt, no doubt.
Yeah, just, uh,

tell me when and where.
I'll be there, n*gga.

So you know this guy,
and he definitely got the money?

Hell, yeah. The n*gga runs
the label I almost signed with.

But don't be trying
no dumb sh*t though, man,

'cause Steve's a little crazy.

No, he better not be trying
no dumb sh*t,

'cause I'm a little crazy.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

You here to see Steve?

The f*ck you think.

Come on in.

Ha! Otis, what's popping?

Glad you could make it, man.

Yo, what up, Steve?
These are my friends, uh,

Leonard and Ed the Third.
Great to meet you.

Sit down.
Anybody want anything?

[FIRECRACKER POPS]

How you been, Otis?

Not too good, to be honest.

I heard you lost your deal.

I'm glad you called me.

I think people are getting sick
of all of it, you know?

You, Sergeant Gutter,
everything music's been

for the last decade.
It's a new era, now.

People want something more.

Yeah, you probably right.
But I believe in you, Otis.

[SNIFFS] Always have.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that.
[FIRECRACKER POPS]

Now, let's get down
to business.

You got something for me?

That's about a key.

Maybe an eight-ball
short though.

Heh-heh.
What is this, cocaine?

Yeah.
I, uh, thought

we were gonna discuss
a record deal, not a drug deal.

Huh?
You said you had something

I might be interested in

and I thought you were
talking about music.

Oh, man.

I want back into
the Thugnificent business.

How about $ , advance?

What? Are you serious?

, ?
You got that kind of money?

Of course I got that
kind of money. Who is this guy?

Yo! I cannot believe this!

Yo, I really,
really appreciate this, Steve.

Yo, like, this is a miracle!

I'm gonna... I'm not gonna
let you down, man. I promise.

You still
want the dr*gs, right?

No. I've been clean
for a year.

Congratulations, Otis.

Thank you so much for believing
in me, Steve, really.

I-I mean, this means
so much to me.

STEVE:
We're gonna do it right
this time.

You're gonna be back on top.

I came all the way over to this
m*therf*cker. I want my money.

THUGNIFICENT:
I thought we was coming over
here to do a crazy drug deal.

My heart was b*ating all fast.

It turns out you wanna give me
money for a record deal.

I want my money.
I got this new sound

I been working on too. I want
you to hear it. It's crazy.

This is gonna make everything
in your life better,

and nothing, anyone can do
is gonna stop it.

I want my m*therf*cking money.

Ed, what are you doing?
Who cares about dr*gs?

Steve, I'm really sorry, man.

[CHUCKLING]
What is this, a joke?

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am,
m*therf*cker?

I'm Ed Wuncler! I brought
the dr*gs all the way over here.

I did what I was supposed to do.

I fulfilled my m*therf*cking
end of the bargain,

and I want my g*dd*mn money!

Hold up, not so fast,
you fat m*therf*cker!

Ed, Ed, no, no!
Stop!

Mr. Steve, I hope
this doesn't affect our deal.

Tell me where the safe is,
or the Green Mile over here,

he's washed up!
[GRUNTS]

MAN:
I think I'm having
a cardiac arrest.

[GROANS]

[***]

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[g*n CLICKS]

m*therf*cker sh*t me.

The f*ck you looking at?

You don't want
my g*dd*mn cocaine, huh?

Well, I'll take my sh*t
elsewhere.

[GROANING]

[HUMMING]

[GRUNTS]

[***]

[HUMMING]

[GRUNTS]

[***]

GRANDDAD:
Boy, what on earth
are you doing?

You trying to get
yourself k*lled?

I don't know what to do.
Well, get a job.

I tried that.
Well, try again.

You don't understand, Pops.

I always wanted
to do this rap thing.

And then, you know,
by some miracle,

I actually pulled it off.
I just thought...

I just thought
it would last longer.

It ain't over, Thugnificent.

I believe in you.
You like a musical genius.

Like... Like...
Like Ray Charles,

but without the piano skills

or the ability to sing
or compose music.

Look, man.
I-I can't do this no more.

Thanks, old man.

I know I told you
to eat a lot of dicks.

But you all right with me.

[DOOR OPENS]

[***]

MAN:
Take it down.

[RUCKUS LAUGHING]

Oh, Lord, have mercy!

He gone! He gone!

Jesus, you answered my prayers.

I'm tickled as a co*n
on Inauguration Day.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

[SNORING]

* Butt cheeks
Booty butt *

* Booty butt,
Booty butt cheeks *

[CAR ALARMS WAILING]

Wait. I know that song!

* Butt cheeks *

* Booty butt, booty butt
Booty butt cheeks *

* Booty butt, booty butt
Booty butt cheeks *

[BREAKS SQUEALING]

* It's terrible
In Terrabelle *

What's good, lil' homey?
Look, I get off at .

I could come through,
ghost ride the company whip.

How you like the new job?

Oh, man,
it's some old bullshit.

But check it, check it.

Your boy is sh**ting
his own reality show.

Word?
Yeah, n*gga,

you on it right now!

Yo, what up, what up, what up?

Young Reezy,
a.k.a. the Fundraiser, n*gga.

Lethal Interjection, bitch.

Yeah, man, all the paper is in
reality shows, right now, n*gga.

The music industry's dead.

I'm trying to get
that Flava Flav money,

know what I'm saying? That's who
I'm looking at right now.

Wow, that sound like
a real good plan, Thugnificent.

Hey, your Granddaddy home?
Hey! Wake up, old n*gga!

Wanted to let you know until
we get this reality show money,

your boy Thugnificent
is gonna be right here

handling all your overnight
shipping needs, you smell me?

So ask yourself, what can all
this Thugnificence do for you?

[LAUGHING]

n*gga, will you shut
the hell up?

Some of us pay our taxes,

Mr. Punkassnificent!

[GRUNTS]

[***]