03x04 - The Story of Jimmy Rebel

[bunniefuu]

[RILEY LAUGHING]

GRANDDAD:
What a wonderful surprise,
you guys making me brunch.

TOM:
Well, we're not
the chef you are, Robert,

but we were thinking, "Robert
gives so much to everybody else,

someone should give back
to him for a change."

You know, I've often thought
the same thing myself.

Besides, somebody's been losing
a little too much weight.

You been hitting the gym?

Well, a little.

You know, I do my Tae Bo.
Heh-heh.

[SCREAMS]

Holy sh*t!
Sarah!

[***]

Oh, yeah!

[MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING]

Look out!

Oh, look out. Come on.

My name is Colonel H.
m*therf*cking Stinkmeaner.

And this time I'm rolling deep,
nyukka.

Tom, we gotta get out of here.
But Sarah.

You'll find another white woman.
Just run.

Tom, you punk-ass motherfu...

Sweetie pie. No!

[STINKMEANER YELLING]

This'll slow them down.

[JAZMINE SCREAMS] Oh, my God.

Did you just throw Jazmine?

Look out behind you.
[TOM SCREAMS]

[STINKMEANER YELLING]

Hurry up. Lock it.
I'm trying.

What we gonna do, man?
Boys.

Uh, you stay here
and hold the door.

Ha-ha!
I got you, little nyukka.

HUEY: Granddad, help.
Sorry, boys. Cheers.

HUEY:
Granddad, where you going?

RILEY:
Why you punking out on us?

STINKMEANER:
Bitch-ass, nyukka!

[STINKMEANER YELLING]

* Already won
So you already done *

* With the sh*ts
While they put you hot *

* So you drop the g*n *

* You don't want no w*r
This is for *

* You want your word
You ain't calling your fam *

Ruckus!

[GASPS]

Ruckus, help!

No, no. Y'all n*gg*s
get away from me.

Leave decent
non-n*gga folks alone.

Damn it, Ruckus, help me.

Help me, you fat, black,
one-eyed m*therf*cker.

No, Robert, no. You brought
these n*gg*s on yourself.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[STINKMEANER GROWLS]

[***]

[SIGHS]

Yes. Ha-ha-ha!

I made it!
I made it! I'm free!

HUEY: Granddad.
Uh?

Are you having a bad dream?

sh**t, heh.
Bad for y'all.

* I lived, you d*ed *

* I lived and you d*ed *

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[***]

STINKMEANER:
We know that n*gg*s can create
conflicts based on ignorance,

called "n*gga Moments."

However, n*gg*s can also create
bonds with each other

also based on ignorance.

This bonding is called
"n*gga synthesis."

Unlike the bonds
of friends and family,

which are mutually beneficial,
n*gga synthesis is based

on a mutual appreciation
for ignorant or trivial things.

Now, when a n*gga moment
collides with n*gga synthesis,

you get a complete
m*therf*cking disaster.

Remember this equation.

You will need it later,
n*gga.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHIPMUNK SQUEALING]

[***]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hell no.
What y'all want, n*gg*s?

Hurry up.
I ain't got all day.

We're looking for a place
called Woodcrest. Is this it?

Maybe.
Look, you want gas or not?

We're looking for a man.

Oh, yeah, I bet you are.

You're looking
for the number man.

Or the weed man.
Or the welfare man.

No, the man I'm looking for
is named Freeman.

Robert Freeman.

Oh, hell, no. I knew it.

You related to Robert Freeman?

[***]

So you know him?

Yeah, I know him.

But Woodcrest don't need
no more coloreds.

We got our colored quota
filled.

So y'all can just
get to stepping

and get in
that piece of sh*t car,

turn it around
and head it back up the road,

Krusty the co*n.

Why don't you just
tell me where Robert is,

before I put five across
your lip, you big black dummy.

Yeah, start talking,
you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool.

Hey. We ain't got all night,
buffalo butt.

I ain't scared of y'all
decrepit Negroes. Come on.

[RUCKUS SCREAMS]

[BLOWS LANDING]

Yo. Turn on the news.

The att*ck happened yesterday
at this gas station

just outside of Woodcrest.

The victim, a Mr. Uncle Ruckus...
No relation.... had this to say:

Lord, there was three of them.

Two black n*gga men
and one black n*gga woman.

Oh, they each had big black
lips, big black nostrils,

and a big black
attitude problem.

Police have released
this composite sketch

of the attackers based
on the victim's description.

Yo. Ha-ha!

How he get b*at up
by a g*ng of old people?

[LAUGHS] That's odd.

I ain't seen nothing that bad

since Granddad got b*at up
by Stinkmeaner.

Hey.

It's all right, Granddad.

I probably k*ll a n*gga too
if they embarrass me like that.

I k*lled a man
in self-defense.

In defense of your ego, maybe.

Well, tough titty for him.

He's dead
and I'm going fishing.

[***]

Excusez-moi.

We here for Huey
and Riley Freeman.

WOMAN [ON PA]:
Huey Freeman, please report
to the front office.

You know what's going on?

They said our aunt and uncle
came to pick us up.

Aunt and uncle?

Man, something's not right.

Come on, let's go.

[***]

Just how far away
is their classroom? The moon?

They should've been here
by now.

You know kids,
always lollygagging.

It'll just be a second.

Can I offer you
some water or...

RILEY:
Yo, where we going?

I don't know,
but we getting out of here.

[***]

Well, well, well.
We came a long way

to k*ll y'all little niglets.

Now it's time
for the big bonanza.

You know what this is, suckers.

[LAUGHS]

Yo, you see these
two old-ass n*gg*s?

Come on.
Yo.

Why we running?

[BOTH YELL]

Damn, them old n*gg*s can jump.

[***]

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

m*therf*cking ass
like you stole something.

Who you think
you f*cking with, huh?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[***]

GRANDDAD:
* Fishing *

* Fishing
I'm baiting this hook *

* Gonna catch me
Some fish today *

Good morning.
Crabbing, huh?

Heh-heh.
How's it going?

Oh, I think I might catch me
a few more today.

Fascinating creature, the crab.

Got that hard exterior,

but he ain't really dangerous,

except to another crab.

Dumb as all hell,
can't even walk straight.

Matter of fact, the only thing
a crab is good for

is holding back other crabs.

A crab don't wanna see
another crab make it.

Yeah...

Uh, I guess.

MAN:
Crab is like, "If I'm
gonna die, we all gonna die."

I admire that.
Mm-hm.

We all gotta die sometimes,

might as well
help each other get there.

I mean, that's what you did
to Stinkmeaner.

[GASPS]

Isn't that right,
Robert Freeman?

[SCREAMS]

No, no, no, no!

[SCREAMS]

You don't know...
What's happening?

Just wait a minute now.

It's your ass now.

[***]

Put that away.
Put it away.

[***]

I'll whoop your ass.

Hear me what I'm saying, n*gga?

Punk-ass m*therf*ckers.

[RILEY GROANS]

[***]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

BOY:
You can't catch me.

WOMAN:
Damn bell done rang.
Come on, let's go.

[***]

[GROWLING]

You done it now.

Okay.

[GRANDDAD GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]
[MUTTERING]

[GRUNTING]

Aah! Crabs on my face. Aah!

[WATER SPLASHES]

Help! Help!

GRANDDAD:
Why, Lord, why?

I can't believe
it's happening again.

Who are these people?
And where did they come from?

HUEY:
Desperate for answers,

we turned to the one place that
might tell us what we need:

Wikipedia.

Okay, let's see here.
"Old and blind.

"Worst human being ever.

"k*lled by Robert Freeman.

Came back from the dead."

Wait. Look at this.

"In his younger years,
Colonel Stinkmeaner

"belonged to a crew
of violent hoodlums

known as the Hateocracy.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner..."

STINKMEANER:
Gimme this sh*t, little n*gga.
It's my story.

Now my boy,
Lord Rufus Crabmiser,

Lady Esmerelda Gripenasty,

and Mr. George Pissedofferson

met at the Better Pastures
Retirement Home.

Now we hated each other
right away.

But we hated
everyone else even more.

Oh, yum.

Swipe.
Jell-O jack, nyukka.

[ALL LAUGH]

Not again.

[COUGHS]

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
A . A .

[CROWD GASPS]

Bingo, sucker!

ESMERALDA:
Turn your ass around
and look at your damn card.

Now what the f*ck I win,
nyukka?

A, um... Ahem.

Subscription
to Reader's Digest?

Gimme that sh*t, n*gga.

[STINKMEANER LAUGHING]

Move out the way, bitch!

[GROANS]

STINKMEANER:
Eventually, they couldn't
take us no more

and they kick us
the f*ck out.

My crew roam the Earth

whooping n*gg*s' asses for
a decade and then we split up.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner...
"...d*ed years later

in a street fight with Robert
Freeman from Woodcrest."

Hey, that... That's me.

"Once notified
of Stinkmeaner's death,

"the surviving members
of the Hateocracy reunited

to enact revenge
on the Freeman family."

Oh, this is terrible.

What did I do to deserve this?

Uh, you k*lled a n*gga.

What that got to do
with anything?

Eventually they're gonna
find out where we live.

Why me?
Man, I say we go out there

and ride on these fools.

Yes. Let's k*ll them
before they k*ll us.

That's a plan
that can't go wrong.

What if it doesn't end there,
Granddad?

This could go on forever.

I'm telling you, Granddad,

I know exactly
how to handle this.

They wanna go to w*r,
I'll take them n*gg*s to w*r.

[ALL SCREAMING]

What's up, partner?

Ed, stop. That ain't them.

[GASPS]

Reap the whirlwind,
you sick bastard.

Ed, stop. Stop!

[***]

Ed, stop!

Okay, that didn't work.

Well, at least you tried.

Some people think
we should just sit here

and wait to be k*lled.
sh**t.

We need protection.

But there's only one person
who can help us now.

[BUZZING]

[***]

Yes?

HUEY:
Uh, yeah. Is this
Mr. Bushido Brown?

Now, see,
you done already messed up.

My name is Grand Master
Bushido Brown.

And if you ain't got no money,

this about to be a real
short conversation, you dig?

GRANDDAD:
Uh, how was your flight,
uh, Mr. Brown?

First class was
comfortable, I hope?

Your time is running out.
What's the job?

There are some people
out to get us.

We need protection
around the clock.

Man, I work for people
with real money.

Judging from this place, y'all
can't even afford Bushido Brown.

We'll pay whatever it costs.

How much it gonna cost?

How much is your life worth?

No, see, I'm asking you

how much your bodyguard
services are gonna cost.

And I'm asking you how much
your life is worth, Jack.

[***]

STINKMEANER:
Bushido Brown's services

came with
a whole lot of bullshit.

The first was that he got
to sleep in Robert's bed.

Robert the bitch-ass Freeman
had to fly out

two personal assistants,
a cook,

and a spiritual advisor
all first class,

all of whom stayed
at their house.

Heh-heh. Them n*gg*s had
to sleep in the living room.

The garage was converted
into a workout room,

which only Bushido Brown
was allowed to use.

He also required
thread count sheets,

imported Wagyu Kobe beef
from Japan,

and a Tushioki hands-free
auto-cleaning toilet,

all at Robert's expense.

They found themselves
in the f*cked up position

of wishing my crew

would try to whoop
they asses even sooner.

WOMAN [ON PA]:
Leranze, your break is over.

Oh, excuse me.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

Excuse me for a second,

I have to use the latrine.

[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]

No, wait! Stop!

It's only seconds late.

Bushido! No,
don't do that, Bushido!

Leave him alone, Bushido!
Bushido Brown.

Don't do it, Brown.

[ALARM BLARING]
GRANDDAD: That's my car!

I can't stand this waiting.

I don't know how much longer
I can afford this guy.

Why don't they try
to k*ll us already? Damn.

How do we know
those crazy old coots

are still even after us?
Maybe they went home,

or d*ed of old age,
or something.

That bullshit-ass toilet
you bought just broke.

You mean it won't flush?

Did I say it won't flush?

The hands-free
cleaning system won't work.

I told you to get
the Tushioki series.

You got the series

and the series
is some bullshit.

Well, they didn't have
the series.

That's your problem. You better
have a replacement

before I have
to take a sh*t again.

Well, what if I can't get
the replacement in time?

Hey, I don't care
if you wipe it,

but Bushido Brown
don't wipe his own ass.

n*gga, did you just tell me
to wipe your ass?

That's it, you fired.

You f*ring Bushido Brown?

You heard me.
You and all these raggedy

m*therf*ckers you brought
with you get the f*ck on.

I'm sick of this sh*t.

Now, you do understand
there's no refunds

for early termination
on our agreement.

Whatever, n*gga.
b*at it.

[***]

[GASPS]

Wait.
I changed my mind.

Too late, old man.

Too late.

Now, if you want to hire me
again, I might be available.

Okay, fine.
For double the fee.

Double the fee?
But I've already paid you!

Hey, this ain't a negotiation.

Take it or leave it.

If I was you, I'd take it.

[***]

Okay, fine.
Damn it.

[***]

Aha, yes.

The legendary Bushido Brown.

The greatest black karate man
to ever live.

That's Grand Master
Bushido Brown.

Of course it is.

Ooh, ooh...

ESMERALDA:
Come on, boy. Come on.

I ain't scared of you.

RILEY:
You like that, old lady?

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

ESMERALDA:
I want this n*gga to fight me.

Come on, fight like a man,
you little punk bitch.

I'll bet your ass...

Oh! My wig.

[GRUNTING]

RILEY:
Whoop that trick.

[YELLS]

Yeah!
Yeah!

[GROANS]

RILEY:
Get him.

GRANDDAD:
Duck down!

GRANDDAD:
Bushido, make your move.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[***]

[ALL GASP]

Dynamite.
RILEY: Aw. Ew.

[BUZZING]

It is a beautiful day
to f*ck sh*t up.

[LAUGHS]

ALL:
Oh, sh*t!

[***]

Now what we gonna do?

Aw, man.
We gonna die now.

This is all your fault,
Granddad.

Wait. This doesn't have
to end this way.

Stinkmeaner's death
was a huge mistake,

but k*lling us isn't
gonna bring him back.

He's right. Look,

what happened with Stinkmeaner,

it shouldn't
have happened, okay?

I admit it.

I was embarrassed 'cause
I got b*at up by an old man.

I was ashamed.

I could have walked away
from it then, but I didn't.

I didn't mean to k*ll him,

it just happened.

It's my fault.
I'm sorry.

There, I've said it.
I'm sorry.

It was wrong. And I wish I could
take it back, but I can't.

So please, please,
can't we just end this?

[***]

Man, we don't give a f*ck
about no Stinkmeaner.

What?
What?

Just because he was our n*gga,

don't mean we gave
a sh*t about his ass.

We don't need no reason
to f*ck sh*t up.

That's why we drink Hennessy,
that's why we smoke menthols,

that's why we's n*gg*s.

We likes to ruin sh*t.

Hell, y'all just
gave us an excuse.

If it wasn't you,

we'd probably just
pick someone at random

and ruin their life.

Huh?
Oh, come on.

Well, now what?

Now you die.

[SIRENS WAILING]

OFFICER: Everybody freeze.
Oh, the police.

Thank God for the poli...
I mean, uh,

who snitched?
Who called the po-po?

OFFICER:
Move it, move it.

All right,
you three are under arrest

for the m*rder
of Bushido Brown.

Oh, thank you,
officer. Thank you.

I can't believe somebody
snitched. That's gay.

These three won't be
bothering you anymore.

Now, why do you think
they were after you guys?

It was a n*gga moment.
Oh, of course.

A n*gga moment.

Well, there's only one way
to end a n*gga moment for good.

Jail.
Jail?

Jail. Heh-heh.

That makes sense.

Jail. Isn't that
great, Huey?

Jail. Of course.

Oh, thank God for jail.

Glad we could help.

STINKMEANER:
And that's the moral
of the story.

Some n*gg*s
just need to go to jail.

I might be in hell,

but at least I ain't in jail,
n*gga. Ha-ha-ha!

Let me out this car.

I can't believe
somebody snitched.

n*gg*s is out here
like running faucets.

GRANDDAD:
Y'all can get
off my property now.

And make sure you clean this
headless dickhead off my yard,

and get that ass-squirting
toilet out of my house too.

[MEN SCATTING]

MAN : Let's swing it.
MAN : Whoo!

[MEN SCATTING]

[MEN LAUGHING]

MAN:
Ooh, yeah, that's good.