03x07 - The Fundraiser

[bunniefuu]

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Now wait just one
cotton-picking minute!

Who this?

You better tell me
who the hell up in my house,

before I get to capping.
I ain't lying.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ma Dukes, this is Jesse.

He's my...
My new friend.

New friend, huh?

Does that mean he's...

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

b*ating up the coochie?

That's what "new friend"
mean to me.

Hold on.
Hey, Jamal!

Yes, Ma Dukes?

Ow!
I just had to

slap the sh*t out
of somebody for no reason.

Now, what was it you were
trying to say

about your special friend?

His name is Jesse and he's
a good Christian man,

with benefits.

Benefits? sh**t, girl,
why didn't you say so?

Good mernting! Hell, you can
get me for no extra charge.

Oh, honey, this booty
is still good.

You can go ahead and check
the expiration date on it.

I ain't lying.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Dip it low.
BOY: Man, look at her booty.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Holler.

Granddad, why are we watching
a Winston Jerome play?

Aw, shut up, boy.
Stop hating.

It just so happens

Winston Jerome is holding
an open casting call

for the leading man
in his new play,

and I'm preparing
for my audition.

Audition?
Like an acting audition?

The acting audition
of a lifetime.

But you don't act.
Don't act?

Your granddaddy was once
a passionate,

dedicated thespian. Oh!

But this was long before
the days of Terrence Howard.

See, Hollywood didn't have room

for a young, handsome,
light-skinned black man

with good hair in those days.

DIRECTOR:
And action.

They call me Mr. Pibb.

[MEN LAUGHING] What's so funny?

MAN :
Mr. Pibb.
That's a soda's name.

Oh, is it Ribs?
They call me Mr. Ribs.

MAN [LAUGHING]:
He is so bad.

Bullshit,
Mr. Handy Man.

[BONE CRACKS]
Oh! My foot! My foot!

Oh, ooh, cramp!
Cramping real bad! Oh!

Maybe you'd like
to see a real man.

I bet you stay up late
dreaming you had a real man.

I pity the fool.
DIRECTOR: Thank you.

That's enough.
We'll call you.

Thank you for the opportunity.

[SOBS]

Breaking into Hollywood
at your age?

He's looking for mature men.

See?
Look right here.

"Casting for black leading man,
and older.

"Light-skinned, good hair,
must look nice shirtless,

and not allergic
to baby oil."

That's me all day.

Don't you ever think
you're too old

to do some
of that stuff you do?

Why can't I be a sex symbol?

Why can't I be a heartthrob?

I say do it
before it's too late.

And it's gonna be too late
real soon. So, uh, yeah,

hurry up.
Thank you, Riley.

I'm gonna really
let him have it.

Show them my stuff.

Give that man everything I got.

RILEY: Pause.
Pause?

Pause what?

You said something gay,
so you gotta say "no h*m*,"

or else you's a h*m*.

And what did I say gay?

You said you was gonna
give this dude

everything you got, no h*m*.

That's not gay, I said

I was gonna give the man
everything I got.

Pause, Granddad.
If it sound gay, it's gay,

and you gotta say "no h*m*."

How I know you not a h*m*,
Granddad,

if you don't say "no h*m*"?

I'm not saying "no h*m*".

Okay, you wanna be a h*m*.

Stop calling
your granddaddy a h*m*!

Then say "no h*m*."
I don't wanna say "no h*m*."

I'm gonna h*m* your ass if
you don't stop saying "pause."

RILEY:
Pause.

HUEY:
The typical Winston Jerome
story starts

with a beautiful, educated,
professional black woman,

trapped in a troubled marriage

with the brown-skinned bald
dude from Law & Order.

How can you do this to me?
Get out!

I'm gonna marry
this white hussy,

because you are
too virtuous and strong

and might make me a better man.

Then a dude who looks like
Shemar Moore shows up

as the shirtless
light-skinned gardener

who just got out of jail.

Excuse me, uh,
may I rake your leaves?

At first she acts
like she doesn't like

the light-skinned gardener.

But eventually
she gets to know him

and sees his sensitive side.

Now I know that to you,
I'm just a poor,

light-skinned gardener who
can't even afford a shirt.

But I love me some Jesus,
and I love me some you.

Oh, Lord, thank you, Jesus.

I never thought
I'd ever be with a man

so loving
and light-skinned.

And I will always be
light-skinned just for you.

Being a good Christian woman,

she gives her marriage one last
chance because Jesus said so.

I am dark-skinned and bald,
so I hate you and I hate Jesus!

And just when the brown-skinned
dude from Law & Order

is about to hit her, here comes
the shirtless gardener.

Hold it right there, bald-headed
dude from Law & Order.

The woman
and the gardener kiss,

having found true love
through Jesus.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

MAN :
Which role you
auditioning for?

Oh, no, no,
you can't get her...

I didn't think there would be

this many people here
just for a play.

Just a play?
Let me tell you something.

It starts with the play,
but if he like you in the play,

then you in the movie
of the play.

And if he like you
in the movie of the play,

now you in the TV spinoff
of the movie of the play.

Wait a minute.

You're Kadeem Hardison.

Star of TV's A Different World.
What are you doing here?

I don't know if you know this,

but there ain't exactly
a bunch of other sh*t

we could be doing right now.

What, I'm supposed
to wait for the next

Akeelah and the Bee
to pay my mortgage? No thanks.

MAN : Look, it's him.
MAN : Shh!

[MEN WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[***]

Mm-hm.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Mm-mm.

Mr. Jerome would like
to see you.

He would?
You won't be needing that shirt.

MAN:
Oh, he want him.

JEROME:
Jesus told me in my next play,

Ma Dukes should
find herself a man.

So I've decided
to call this play,

Ma Dukes
Finds Herself a Man.

Do you think you're man enough
for Ma Dukes, Robert?

Yeah, I think so. Yes.

Try this line:

"Ma Dukes, you are a strong,
intelligent black woman

who will make me
a better man."

[INHALES]

Ma Dukes...
JEROME: Wait, wait.

Uh, something's off.

Lotion!

[***]

What flavor you want, man?

I got Tropical Peach,
Sunrise Orange,

Minty Mango, and Apricot.

Or I can take two flavors
and swirl them together.

Just tell me
which ones you like.

You want me
to pick one for you?

Uh, okay.

Minty Mango it is.

[GRUNTING]

Turn around.

Hey!

You want me to pop these bumps?

Uh, no.
All right, you good then.

Okay, Robert. Again.

Ma Dukes...
That's it!

Breathtaking!

You know, I remember when I sat
down to write my first play.

I asked Jesus,
"Will you co-write with me?"

And he said, "Yes."
Yes.

And I told Jesus,

"I want to write
plays for women.

What do women want to see?"

And Jesus said, "sexy men."

Since that day,
I've searched the world

for the sexiest
black men alive.

And I found them:
My shirtless men.

And Jesus was pleased.

I didn't know
religion worked like that.

Then I asked Jesus,

"How could I further spread
your message on earth?"

And he said, "cross-dressing."

And so I put on
a dress and a wig.

And Jesus was pleased.

With that dress, that wig

and these beautiful,
muscular gifts from God,

I have built an empire.

And soon,
I will crush Ice Cube,

and my supremacy of black
Hollywood will be complete.

Ice Cube?
We don't allow

just anyone on this journey.

Have you accepted Jesus Christ
as your Lord and savior, Robert?

Yeah, uh, I guess.

Get on your knees, Robert.

Ow!
On your knees, Robert.

Okay. Damn,
you got big hands.

Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your Lord and savior, Robert?

Yes.
Do you accept me,

Winston Jerome,
as the representative

of Jesus Christ in the TV
and movie business?

Sure, I guess.

Do you renounce Ice Cube
and all his works?

Well, you know,
I kinda like Friday...

Do you renounce Ice Cube
and all his works?

I renounce Ice Cube.
Louder!

I renounce Ice Cube!

And all his works!
And all his works!

Including Friday?
Yes! Including Friday! Yes!

Rise.

Rise, my new leading man!

[***]

We're having a fondue shindig
tonight. You should come.

Tom, thanks for agreeing
to watch the boys tonight.

No problem, Robert.
I mean,

this is your big break.
So, what is he like?

Who, Winston?

Uh, nice guy, down to earth.

Nothing strange or freaky
or bizarre about him at all.

Nope, nothing
out of the ordinary.

[LAUGHS]

I just think he's the best.

That's what people need more of:
Positive entertainment.

Without all the cursing

and people saying
the N-word all the time.

Hey, are there gonna be
some steamy scenes

to look forward to, huh?

Who's the lucky leading lady?

Uh, actually, um,
they haven't cast her yet.

Probably, uh, Savannah Lathem,
maybe Halle Berry.

You know, somebody hot.

Man, stop lying.

Granddad's leading lady
is a dude.

What?
Shut up. You don't know nothing.

We read the script, Granddad.

How dare you.
That's top-secret.

It was really, really terrible,
by the way.

Don't front, Granddad.

You playing a dude's boyfriend.

It's that Winston Jerome guy
in a dress. Ha-ha!

You mean Ma Dukes?

You're playing
Ma Dukes' boyfriend?

There are no love scenes.

Granddad's gonna need
to have "no h*m*"

tattooed on his forehead
after this.

There are no love scenes!

I think that's great.

Robert,
you're a real actor now,

completely dedicated
to the part.

I say do the love scenes.

But there are no love scenes.

Well, I think it's gay.
Dude wear a dress.

Jesus told him
to wear that dress.

You just mad
because Jesus doesn't love you.

[***]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Hello, Robert.

We're so glad
you decided to join us.

Come in.

I don't mind if I do, cupcakes.

[***]

* Hello, how do you do? *

* We're so glad
You joined our crew *

* Welcome to our
Lovely compound *

* Where it all goes down *

* Hot oil, bananas And cream *

* Bananas and cream *

JEROME:
* White unicorns
And wet dreams *

* Wet dreams *
* Rainbow and lace *

* Oh, it makes me
Want to scream *

* Anything is possible
With Jesus on our team *

* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *

* Whoo *

* Jesus gave me a vision *

* To make plays
And dress like women *

* To wear corsets
And real fine linen *

* Big bras with a lot
Of padding in 'em *

* Am I feminine?
I know you have suspicions *

* But I'm all man Trust me *

* We could switch positions *

* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *

* It's all right
To cross-dress for Christ *

ALL:
Whoo!

Wow.
Is that in the play?

No, we just do that for fun.

Come, let me show you
the compound.

JEROME:
The cast and crew of my plays
are like family.

We work together,
eat together, pray together.

Now, let me show you
where you'll be staying.

Uh, did you say staying?

Oh, yes. You'll live
here at the compound

during the run of the play.

I want everyone totally
immersed in the production.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

And we don't allow
outside calls here.

We must remove
all distractions.

Oh, it's just my grandkids.

You know kids.
They always wanna talk

to their sole legal guardian.

Tell them you won't be
coming home for a while.

Best to make it a clean break.

Uh, I'll just call them back.

Answer it!

Hey, boys.

Hey, Granddad,
we were just wondering

how late
rehearsal was gonna go.

Tom had to leave
and we're getting kinda hungry.

Well, uh, I'm not coming home

for a while, so don't wait up.

How late?

Uh, maybe a week
or two or more.

We got a lot
of rehearsal stuff to do.

Uh, there's some cash
in my sock drawer. Praise Jesus.

This is a great day,
brothers and sisters.

The first day of rehearsals for

Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man.

Let us pray.

[***]

JEROME:
Lord Jesus,
you are a wonderful savior

and an excellent producing
partner as well.

[JEROME CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

GRANDDAD:
I can't believe I'm here.

I made it.
I'm on my way to the top.

I might already
be at the top.

Man, look at these broads
in here.

The big old zesty-chesty
on that one.

In Jesus' name
we pray. Amen.

WOMAN: Yes, amen, hallelujah.
Yeah, boy!

We're so happy you're
here with us, Robert.

Jesus is so good.

I've been working with
Mr. Jerome for nearly years.

Oh, your family must be
very proud, huh?

Honey, I don't talk
to my family anymore.

This is my family now.
Soon it'll be yours too.

I'm gonna get me
some Kool-Aid.

Well, this is my first
Winston Jerome project,

but I've been in the business
for almost years.

Oh, that's nice.

Anything I might have seen?

Let's see, I was
in Do the Tight Thing.

Uh, Lady Sucks the Blues,
New cr*ck City,

and then my last film was
Six Dicks of Separation.

Oh, my. Six?

But that was before
Winston saved me.

All that time, I was
giving up the ass for me.

Now, I only give up
the ass for Jesus.

And his homeboys.

Mm-hm.

Praise Jesus
in the name of Jesus.

Robert, would you
join me in my study?

Beautiful, isn't it?

I had the sweater put on him

because he just looked
so cold up there.

I just wanted to warm him up.

Because I love Jesus.

Do you love Jesus, Robert?

Oh, yes. I love me
some Jesus, mm-hm.

He's my copilot.

JEROME [OVER TV]:
Lord, we thank you for all...

JEROME:
Well, it appears
you love tatas too.

Yeah, uh, I'm, uh...
It's okay, Robert.

You love women more
than you love Jesus, don't you?

It's hard to say.

I mean, it's kinda
apples and oranges.

If women are what you desire,
Robert,

then Jesus and I will deliver.

Hundreds, thousands of women.

Any kind you want.

Well, now, since you
put it like that,

I want some of them,
Alicia Keys,

and a couple them Beyoncés,
and something Spanish,

and a big old
tittied white woman

that look like Lynda Carter.

JEROME:
Then Jesus will provide them.

But you must give yourself
to Jesus first, Robert.

And to me.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

f*ck!

You know how I feel
about the f*cking phone!

Jesus Christ.

It's my grandkids.
They're probably just worried.

You must choose, Robert, between
your old life and your new one.

Hey, boys.
Uh, no, everything's good.

Look, please don't call me
again. This is my family now.

Uh-huh. Okay.

You made the right
choice, Robert.

I don't get it.
They his new family now?

It's worse than I thought.
Granddad's in a cult.

A cult? That's gay.

Well, he's in trouble.

We gotta save him.
Come on.

You're just a lowly ex-con
and I'm a big-sh*t lawyer.

Cut! Frown!

How are they gonna know
you're mad if you don't frown?

More!
More, more, damn it!

You want me to put something
nasty in your mouth

to help you frown?
Ew.

Okay, continue.

Well, at least I have Jesus

and the strong love
of a black, African, beautiful,

independent black woman...

JEROME:
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

This isn't working.

I cannot work
like this anymore.

I've worked with Jesus!
Damn it! sh*t! f*ck!

Let us pray.

Jesus, holy Jesus,
help us with this scene,

it seems to be a little flat.
Wait.

Jesus is trying to tell me
something, hold on.

ALL:
Praise Jesus!

Yes, Jesus. Uh-huh.

Right, right.

Hey, you're the boss.

Jesus says the scene
would have more impact

if you grabbed Ma Dukes
and kissed her deep on the lips.

Kiss? Hold on.
Jesus said that?

Jesus said that we need
to kiss passionately

so the audience
can feel our love.

Change it in the script.

ALL:
Praise Jesus' rewrites!

Are you sure
he didn't say "kick"?

I should kick you?
Or maybe "k*ll"?

Let me k*ll you.
Nobody'd ever see that coming.

No, he said "kiss!" Kiss!

There was no ambiguity at all.

ChapStick!

JEROME:
Robert, it's okay.

I totally understand
your concerns.

Winston Jerome would
never, ever kiss a man.

That would be h*m*
and against my Christian faith.

Exactly. Mine too.

But Jesus wants us
to be actors first,

and heterosexuals second.

Now, Winston Jerome
is a very, very straight man

that loves the ladies.

But Ma Dukes is a woman,

and when I go onstage,
Jesus wants me to become her

inside and out.

Can't just have
a woman's clothes.

I need a woman's thoughts,
a woman's movements

and a woman's desires.

[***]

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING
OVER TV]

[***]

[CRASHING]
RILEY: Ow!

[GROANS] Come on.

Excuse me, do you know where
I could find Robert Freeman?

Just walk in the path of Jesus.

You'll find him.

Uh, excuse me.

We're looking
for Robert Freeman.

Oh, he's on
the rehearsal stage.

Y'all remind me
of my grandsons.

But they like Ice Cube movies,

so I can never
speak to them again.

Excuse me. I'm gonna
get me some Kool-Aid.

[***]

Well, at least I have Jesus,

and the love
of a strong, black, African,

beautiful, independent
black woman.

And that's all I need.

[GRUNTS]

[***]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Boys! Stop that!
Get his legs! His legs!

I rebuke you in the name
of the Lord!

WOMAN:
Oh, Lord!

JEROME:
Get them! Get them out of here!

[MUFFLED]
These n*gg*s is too glisteny.

[***]

[YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Did you think
you could just take him?

It's too late. Your granddaddy's
one of us now.

It's okay, guys. I'm sorry.
I'll take care of it.

Me and Jesus want them
out of here, Robert.

Pronto.

Granddad, snap out of it.

Ow! Damn it!

Ow!

n*gga, have you lost your mind?

Granddad, you've been
brainwashed.

You've been sucked
into some bizarre

h*m* Christian
theater cult.

You was about
to kiss that dude, no h*m*.

I'm just acting. I know it's
h*m* Christian theater.

But if it gets me
into Hollywood, who cares?

It can't be worse
than Scientology.

Do you really want
to be famous that bad?

Yes. My whole life
I've been normal.

Normal sucks.
I want women half my age

to throw themselves at me.

I want people to treat me better
than they treat others.

And Riley was right.
I don't have much time left.

Maybe it's a stupid dream,

but this is the last chance
I'm gonna get at it.

Remember that TV show
Fear Factor,

when they made people eat goat
rectums and monkey testicles

and whatever else to win?

This is my Fear Factor

and Ma Dukes is
my monkey testicles,

and I really want
the big prize.

Even if it means kissing a man.

No h*m*.

And when you get home,
go in my clean underwear drawer.

There should be
$ in quarters.

That should be enough
to get you through the week.

And I'll be home soon, okay?

All right, Granddad.

If this is really what you want,
we'll get out of here.

Good luck with that.

Thank you for saying
"no h*m*," Granddad.

That really meant a lot to me.

No h*m*.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Finally I have found
my cutie pie, Ma Dukes.

[ALL LAUGH]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

Well, at least I have Jesus,

and the love of a strong,
black, African,

beautiful, independent
black woman.

And that's all I need.

Kiss me, Ma Dukes.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[LIPS SMACKING]

[ALL CHEERING]

And now it's time for me
to get my big prize.

* Groupies, groupies *

* Groupies * There he is!

Girl, hold my chicken!
Huh?

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

WOMAN:
You look just like
your pictures on MySpace!

Oh, my goodness!

Mr. Jerome would like
to see you.

[WHISPERS] Alone.

JEROME:
Robert, you were amazing.

Jesus and I were so pleased.

Don't give me that bullshit.

This is the big prize?

Where are the Alicia Keyses?
Where are the Beyoncés?

Where's Wonder Woman?
All I see is Florida Evanses.

I can get a big bitch
on my own.

I had to kiss you
onstage in front everybody

and all I get
is them mud ducks out there?

That wasn't the deal.

Robert, Jesus never said
it would happen overnight.

Well, how long do I have
to suck lips with you

before the women
out there become hot?

Look, Robbie, I've just sold

Ma Dukes Finds Herself A Man
as a movie.

And guess who's my leading man.

Really?

I'm gonna be in a movie. Oh!

That's right, Bob.
And I only have one request.

[UNZIPS]

[SIGHS]

Look, man, all bullshit aside,

can I please
just have some ass?

Okay.

Wait a minute. You made up
this whole cross-dressing

Christian cult crap just so
you can sleep with men?

Uh, pretty much. Yeah.

f*ck you!

Now stick that up your ass.

No h*m*.

[CHEERING OVER CAMCORDER]
RILEY: Pause.

Pause again.

Pause again, Granddad.

[LAUGHS]

Pause again.

Pause again.

Pause again, Granddad.

Pause again, Granddad.

[RILEY LAUGHS]

[***]