03x09 - A Date with the Booty Warrior

[bunniefuu]

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[CHIRPING]

[GRUNTING]

[***]

Oh, no, look at this.

[GRUNTING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

n*gga, what you want?

I want you over my house
cutting my grass

like you supposed to be!
Well, too bad for you,

because I just took
another job.

And even though
they don't pay hardly nothing,

working for white folks
look way better on my résumé.

Damn it, this is
the fourth week in a row

you canceled on me.
The yard looks like a jungle.

Well, Chim-Chim,
you three vine swingers

should feel right at home.

I'll be there
when the white man

don't need me no more.
And let this be

yet another reminder
that no matter

how much money you got,
you still just a n*gga.

[YELLING]

Ooh, I hate Ruckus!

Huey, go change your clothes
and mow the lawn.

Why do I always
have to cut the grass?

[SNEEZING]

I cannot stop sneezing.

[SNEEZING]
Riley's got allergies.

You just mad 'cause
you didn't think of it first.

Ow!

That didn't hurt, punk.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Huey. Hurry up.

And I don't want
to hear that old

"I'm dying
of a heat stroke" excuse.

You wanna cool down?
Cut your hair off.

Good day and how are you this
beautiful morning, good sir?

I'm visiting you
to make you aware

of an exciting offer
I got in landscaping

and home repair work
that has just...

I'm talking about just touched
down in your area.

Not interested.
W-w-wait.

What exciting offer?
Let me ask you this:

Are you really satisfied
with your current landscaping

and home repair
service provider?

No.
Yes, go away.

That would be
a Mr. Uncle Ruckus, right?

A portly dude, not very fond
of African-Americans?

What if I could offer you
a better service

with way lower prices

with none of the racial
antagonism?

How's that sounding to you?
How much?

I'll have your sh*t looking
splendiferous for a wet dub.

No.
Okay, I'll drop the price to .

At this point
I ain't even making no money,

I'm just doing this
for my back arms.

I said no.
A cigarette and a cold glass

of orange juice.
Go hustle somebody else.

Check this out, Pops. Because
I want your good favor so bad,

I went ahead and put in
a little work on the yard.

You what?

[***]

MAN:
That's right.
Your boy cut the grass,

manicured the little weed area,
and even did

a little shrubbery art.
You planted flowers.

You needed a little color
right there, man.

It wasn't any thang.

[BOTH GASPING]

[***]

Well, I'm impressed, young man.

Very impressed.
Don't meet a lot of people

who take pride
in their work nowadays.

Sorry I was so rude earlier.

You earned this.

Yo, man, I... I was cool
with the orange juice.

No, no, no. You take it.

I really appreciate this,
Pops. Seriously.

Matter of fact, man, let's go
look at some hos, on me.

Huh?
Yeah. House of Cheeks

with the bungalow
booty b*tches.

You know, they probably
just now cracking the doors.

Beers is cold
and the b*tches ain't sweaty.

Come on, let's go and,
you know, see some ass.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Man, this is fun.

It's been awhile
since I had someone to go

to a strip club with.
So thanks.

I didn't even get your name.

Just call me Lando.

Lando, you mean like
Lando Calrissian?

Well, Lando's really
my daddy's name.

Or that's what Moms
told a n*gga,

since I never knew him.
She met him right when

The Empire Strikes Back
came out.

You know,
people used to call me Lando.

I remember that summer:
, Chicago.

Best summer of my life.

I knew it was gonna be my year.

And boy I milked it
for all it was worth.

Now, of course I wasn't
as smooth as Billy Dee,

or good-looking
as Billy Dee,

and I definitely didn't have
no Billy Dee money,

but thank God some women
were so desperate

they just didn't care.

I remember this one gal.

Her name was Marietta.

Oh, she was hot.
It was like I was doing it

with the same caliber of women
as Billy Dee himself.

Moms was a big Billy Dee fan.

In the day we would go see
Empire Strikes Back,

and at night we'd have
some serious,

no-holds barred freaky deaky
bareback action.

Whoo!
For real?

You have to understand,

this was in the days before
AIDS.

So there was no consequences
whatsoever.

That's so funny.

Moms used to say
the same thing.

It was just like:
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

I always wondered
what happened to her.

I guess I'll never know.
Gone for good.

I will never,
ever in a million years

know what happened to her.

Oh, well.

You know, my mom's name
was Marietta.

Really. What a random,

completely
unrelated coincidence

that has nothing to do with me.

Pops. I don't even know
how to say this, man,

but I didn't come here
just to do your yard.

Huh?
I came to Woodcrest

because I think you're my dad.

Yes, she does.
Really nice ones. Oh, yeah.

Mm-hm.
No, no, I said

I think you're my dad.

Don't worry about the tab.
I got the next round.

No, no, I said...

[INAUDIBLE]

Wait, wait, hold on.
Wait, hold on.

I knew it. I knew you
were a scam artist the moment

I laid eyes on you.
Pops, please, man.

Please, man,
just give me a second.

Shame on you trying to scam
an old man.

Mowing his lawn, trimming his
shrubs, planting some color.

I don't ever want
to see you around here again.

Oh, come on, man.
[ENGINE STARTS]

Pops, man, wait.
[TIRES SCREECH]

Wait, Pop, Pop.

You my ride!

[***]

Granddad, it's not like
you did anything wrong.

He's not my son.
I mean, you had no way to know.

Did you hear what I just said?
He's not my son.

And I don't ever want to hear

the name Lando
in this house again.

And no one is allowed
to watch Empire Strikes Back

or The Return of the Jedi
ever again either.

[***]

Hey, Pops.

You. I told you
to get away from here.

I tried to be nice.
Now I'm calling the police.

You're trespassing
on private property.

Hey, Pops, I'm not
stalking you or nothing,

I'm just over here doing
some work for the DuBois'.

Big Tom, big Tom.
What's the business, baby?

Keep sending them dumbass
n*gg*s to jail, big dude.

They ham-ass know they shouldn't
have did that sh*t.

Anyway, the hot water fixed
in the guest bathroom,

so you all good.
The guests can drop a deuce,

wash they booger hooks,
get fresh, disinfect.

No prob. Know what I'm talking
about? Popping your collar.

Oh, man, you are a godsend.

Robert, I guess we have you
to thank for Lando, huh?

What's that supposed to mean?
I didn't give him life,

if that's what you're implying.
I told him you were

the first one to give
a brother a chance

to show what I can do.

And don't worry, Lando,

I'm gonna make some calls
as well.

Hey, you know I gotta put
my folks on.

You know how we do.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Where's this guy been
all our lives, huh?

See you later.

What is your game?
Blackmail? Extortion?

What do you want from me?

My mother left a journal.

She said she got pregnant
by a man she loved very much,

whose nickname was Lando.
And there was this.

[GASPS]

Man, I ain't come here
to steal nothing from you, man.

I just wanted to find my pops
and tell him

that I thank him for skeeting
that life into Moms, man.

I just wanted to tell him
I love him very much,

and I respect him
for everything he did, man.

Get away from me.
You can't be my son.

You too ugly to be my son.
Oh, okay. I-I get it.

The problem ain't having a son,

i-it's just having
me as a son, huh?

I want you out of this
neighborhood

and out of my life forever.
You got that?

Everybody do things
on they own time.

I ain't in no rush.
I ain't even tripping.

Only thing is, I don't know
what your Casio looking like.

But you know, whenever
you wanna holler at your boy,

I'm right here, man,
posted like a lamp.

I love you, Pops. I ain't never
gonna stop loving you.

Never.

GRANDDAD:
I'm sorry to stop by
on such short notice.

I didn't really know
who else to turn to.

Come on, Pops.
You know it ain't no thang,

I'm here to help. So you need
a person, uh, removed?

Yes.
You mean, like,

removed from the Earth?

No. I mean like removed
from the neighborhood.

Oh-ho-ho, so you want him
kidnapped.

Well, kinda.
Not really.

Can't you just take him
someplace really far away

like South America
or Africa or something?

Well, you realize
that if you don't k*ll him

there's nothing preventing him
from coming back.

Well, if you took him
really far away,

he wouldn't have
enough money to come back.

I don't know.
I just want him to go away.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
back up.

Who we talking about?

His name is Lando.
Oh, sh*t, Lando?

The new handyman?

Man, that m*therf*cker
is cold with that landscaping.

What's your beef with him?
He's a con man

pretending to be my son.
Oh, I see.

But he ain't your son?
He is absolutely, positively,

almost virtually certainly not.

sh*t, he seemed cool to me.

You know how some people
you just like right off the bat?

But yeah, sh*t, I say k*ll him.

k*ll him?
I don't wanna k*ll him.

All right, all right,
the only other choice might be

to get one of them DNA tests

to prove you ain't the father.

Really? Where do you get
one of those tests done?

Oh, I know one place
that do it for free.

MAN:
Coming up next,

on The Steve Wilkos Show.

I just wanna know
who my real father is.

Moms always said
his nickname was Lando.

Didn't you used to call
yourself Lando?

Didn't you? Answer me!
Stand up!

Don't even think
about sitting on my stage.

Stand up!
But my knees hurt.

Get your ass up.

What kind of man
doesn't bother to see his kid

for years?
Thirty f*cking years?

B-But I didn't know...
You know what I wanna do?

I wanna b*at
the living sh*t out of you!

Whoa, easy there, big fella.

I will not be easy on you!

I f*cking hate you!

You make me wanna...

[CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Before the show
you took a DNA test.

And the results
of the DNA test are...

Robert is...

[***]

AUDIENCE [CHANTING]:
Steve. Steve.
Steve. Steve.

Robert,

you are the father.

[ALL BOOING]

You are the sack
from which I come.

You are the sack from...

That's the... That's the pair
that I came from.

Look at them number one's
that I came from.

I came out
that tube right there.

Good-looking man.
Yes.

How you feel now?
Deadbeat. Huh?

Wait, I didn't know.
I... I...

You finally gonna take
responsibility

or are you gonna keep making
excuses, you p*ssy punk bitch?

Hey, n*gga, don't call my daddy
no p*ssy punk bitch.

Look at him.
He is a p*ssy punk bitch.

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING]

RILEY:
I hate to say this, Granddad,

but you did look like
a p*ssy punk bitch.

You should have stuck
with your story.

It was a DNA test.
Well, study next time.

Ow!
Granddad,

there's no use b*ating
yourself up.

Yeah, Steve Wilkos
already did that.

I can't believe
all this time, a son.

A son named Lando.

Granddad,
it's not all your fault.

This doesn't make you
a horrible person.

It's all
your f*cking fault!

You're a horrible
f*cking person!

Oh, why me?
Why did he do this to me?

Granddad, it seems like
he just wants the chance

to get to know his dad.
Which means you have to be a man

and own up to this.

You may not
owe him anything else,

but you do owe him that.

Man, I say be a real n*gga

and don't own up to nothing.

You got it right
the first time.

Pretend it never happened.

Who cares about the show?

Anybody asks, it ain't yours.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Congratulations, Daddy.
Oh, you must be so proud.

A -pound bouncing baby
adult n*gro.

Boy, they grow up so fast...

You know, Robert,
any boy can make a baby,

but it takes a real man...

Shut the f*ck up.
I'm sick of this sh*t.

Hey, hey, don't blame me,
I said k*ll him.

You also told me to go on
that stupid show.

Hey, you ain't tell me
you was actually

the man's daddy.
That's bad intel.

I can't be held responsible
for no bad intel.

I didn't know I was his daddy.

Now everybody knows.
What am I supposed to do?

Way I see it, you got
two options. Option one,

which I don't recommend,
is to work it out.

You don't recommend
working it out?

No, but it's a option.

You guys are both grown,

you try to come to terms
with it. Get to know each other,

make up for some lost time.
Now, I ain't saying

it's gonna be a easy
adjustment,

but, I mean, there's counseling,
therapy.

This person could enrich
your life

in ways you can't even imagine.

Yeah, Huey said something
like that.

But I never listen to him.
Now, I still say

the smarter move is option two,

which is just let me put two
in the back his head

and be done with it.
Huh? No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
don't worry about the fee.

I ain't gonna r*pe you
on the price.

You ain't got to worry
about that.

No. I don't want you
to k*ll him.

[SIGHS]

Maybe I should
just work it out.

Look, I can name at least
two or three instances

in my life where I tried
to work out some sh*t

by trying to find
some mutual understanding,

and I can tell you
it's always faster

and easier to just k*ll 'em.
It just is.

I don't want you
to k*ll him. Damn.

Don't know why
you keep bringing it up.

All right, up to you,

but I think you should keep
that option open.

Matter of fact, Lando's outside

doing some work on the shrubs,
I'll call him in right now.

Just let me know what
you want to do. All right?

Lando!
What?

Lando's here?
No, wait.

Pops, what's going on?

He wanted to talk
to you, Lando.

He wants to try to,
uh, work this out.

Look, man, I'm sorry
about what happened

on that show.
I mean, I didn't know

that n*gga Steve Wilkos
was a d*ck like that.

I swear I don't need
nothing from you, man,

except a chance to be, maybe,

a small part of your life,
man. Just a small one.

Thank you, Rummy, man.

I appreciate you
giving of yourself

to help sort this thing out.

Ain't no sweat, partner.

You know I'm in your corner.

So, what's it going
to be, Robert?

Uh, option one or option two?

Option one. Option one.

Option one it is.
No, no, no, no, no.

I said option one.
Okay.

Well, which one was option one?

What's option one?
Getting to know each other.

Yeah?
You sure that was option one?

Yes. Let's spend
some time together,

as a family.
Yeah, boy!

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I've always...
Man, look, man, I swear, man,

once you get to know a n*gga
you'll find

I ain't even that f*cked up.

Is you sure, Robert?
Yes, I'm sure!

I'm sure too.

Okay, then I've done my part.
It's up to y'all, now.

Best of luck to you.
I love you, Dad.

Boys, Lando is going to be
staying with us for awhile,

because, supposedly,
it's the right thing to do.

I just hope you boys
take this as a lesson

that life can really
suck sometimes,

and you should always
wear a condom.

I got a condom on right now.

This is it. You'll be sharing
this room with the boys.

No favorites.
Ha-ha.

Yeah. What up, roomies?

Yeah, this my half of the room.

And that, that's Huey's half
of the room.

Well, where my half at?

Your half is right there.

And just 'cause
you technically our uncle,

you ain't ahead of me, n*gga.

As of right now,
you the youngest brother.

Got that? I'm number two,
you number three, got it?

Two n*gga.
Three n*gga.

Say, man. I promise, man,
I'm gonna respect your space

and I really, really,
appreciate, you know,

just being here
part of the fam, man.

I've been a part
of this family my whole life.

It's an overrated experience.

[***]

[SNORING]

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

[GROANING]

[SNORING CONTINUES]

[YAWNING]

[SPITS] Ah!

Man, n*gga had the trillest
dream last night.

On the real,
it was like your boy

had a job at this little
bunny ranch vineyard

or some sh*t, man,
so all I could do

was lick the ladies' feet
after they was finished

stepping on the grapes and
the b*tches was just loving...

Look, I can't concentrate
with your thing

flapping around like that.
Go put some clothes on.

I'm not hungry no more.
Yeah, I'm done.

Aw, come on, man,
why you all tripping?

Morning wood ain't nothing
to be ashamed of.

That's how you know
you alive, man.

I fit to show you,
you all bitch.

Let's go.
Junior varsity, n*gga.

n*gga. Young Barkley.

LANDO: sh*t.
RILEY: Punk.

Hey. That's a foul.

Man, that ain't no foul, n*gga.

That's playoff basketball.

Yeah, basketball,
not football, bitch.

Give me the ball.

Man, just 'cause you
the two n*gga

don't mean you can treat me
any kinda way, n*gga.

Huey, you gonna let him
do me like this?

It's family,
I'm staying out of it.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

Huey, help your baby brother,
man. The n*gga melting me.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

You guys seem a little
cramped in there.

I'm thinking
about giving Lando his own room.

That's not fair.

Why does the three n*gga
get his own room?

You playing favorites,
Granddad.

That's not true.
Oh, yeah?

Lando gets to drink beer.

Lando gets to smoke
with cigarettes.

Why you love Lando
more than us, Granddad?

Hey, hey, what's going on, fam?

Lando, I'm afraid
we gonna have to,

uh, make some changes.

From now on, no smoking.

What?
And no more drinking.

Not at home. You're setting
a bad example for the boys.

Why don't you understand me
for a change?

Why can't you accept me
for who the f*ck I am?

You can't control my life!

I hate you! I never want
to see you again!

I wish I was never your son!

I'm sorry, Pops, I ain't
even mean that sh*t, man.

It's just, my anger
got the best of me,

and I'll do whatever
you say, man,

from here on out, man.
It's... I need that.

You know, I-I-I need
that discipline.

That tough love, you know?

Don't...
Don't spare the rod on me.

Matter of fact, man,
I'm going upstairs

and get ready for
my ass-whupping right now.

[SIGHS]

[***]

Left side, n*gga.

Whatever.
What you gonna do, n*gga?

Just watch your ass, n*gga.
Ball.

Watch your ass. n*gga.
Ah!

Ha! Game, bitch.

Who's the number two
n*gga now, n*gga?

n*gga, you feet tall

bragging about b*ating
a little kid.

Your game is garbage.
And you cheat.

That's how it's
a fair match, n*gga.

I'm feet garbage,
and you feet nice.

All right, that's true.
New game, n*gga.

[***]

RUCKUS:
Huh?

Ah!

Ah! Lando. Lando!

[GROANING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You! You the one
been all over the neighborhood

trying to undercut my business.

You see this?
Take a good look at it.

I tried to wipe my ass with it

except it chafed my gentle
under region.

You ever heard of free-market
principles, n*gga?

You can't have no m*therf*cking
handyman monopoly

out this m*therf*cker.

Whoa, look who brought
his no-appointment-keeping

black white ass around here.

Ah-ha. Ettu, Robert?
Et tu?

Now, Robert, I know you mad,
but I never thought

you would stoop this low.
Ah.

Ruckus, that's enough.
This is your own fault.

Lando is serious about
this landscaping business

and I'm supporting him.
He's good at it,

and I'm proud of him.
Pops, you mean that?

I do, son.

Fine. I hope you n*gg*s
are happy with each other.

Aw, Pops.
You don't even know

what that meant to a n*gga
right now.

For the first time in my life,
I understand

the true meaning of family...
And one more thing.

George Lucas ruined
the Star Wars franchise

the minute
that wavy-haired jigaboo

stepped on screen
and put his monkey paws

all over Princess Leia.

[MOTOR ROARS]

[***]

Didn't I tell you?
Ha, Look at us.

One big,
beautiful black family.

Hm.

I know you smiling
on the inside.

I can tell, n*gga.
I can tell.

You can't bullshit
big baby brother, n*gga.

You just as gleeful
as a m*therf*cker, huh?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Okay, g*ng,
food is just about ready.

And turn that damn thing off.
You know how I feel

about that Steve Wilkos show.
Okay, Pops,

we fit to turn it off.
Hakeem, you are the father,

and I hate
your f*cking guts!

Yes! Whoo-hoo!

I cannot believe this.

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew he was the baby daddy.

Man,
I-I knew that sh*t too.

Wait, stop.
Freeze it.

All right,
bring it back. There.

"Producers reserve the right
to nullify, falsify,

"reverse and/or otherwise
misrepresent results

"of DNA paternity tests
to preserve

the integrity
of the show."

"Actual DNA test
results available on request."

Huh?
Aw.

Oh.

[***]

HUEY:
Hi, yeah, um,
we're calling about

the DNA test
for Robert Freeman.

Yeah, the "Near Death
Deadbeat" episode.

Mm-hm. Okay.
Thanks.

Granddad,
you're not the father.

[SIGHS]

Aw, man. For real?

You mean we just did
all that bonding for nothing?

No, i-it wasn't
for nothing.

I mean...
Slow down, playboy.

You don't have
to say nothing, really.

Huey, Riley,
what can I say, man?

n*gga really appreciate
y'all for opening your own home,

but if we ain't family,
what we doing this for?

I ain't gotta be sharing no room
with two little boys,

I ain't know no King of Pop
sh*t. I'll just b*at it.

[***]

[DOOR OPENS]

So, what are you going
to do now, son?

I mean, Lando?
Who knows?

Maybe I'll find
that right lady, you know,

start a family of my own.
This was kinda cool.

All right,
you little n*gg*s be easy.

You listen to your granddaddy.

You real lucky to have him.

You all right?
Yeah. Whew.

Glad that's over. I really
dodged a b*llet there.

He wasn't a bad guy, though.

I hope he does find
his real daddy one day.

[***]

International star
and Colt spokesperson

Billy Dee Williams?

Yes, you must be
Robert Freeman.

I saw you on The Steve Wilkos
Show with Lando,

but I'm afraid I've got
some pretty shocking news.

He's not your son.

We know that.

How do you know that?

Because he's my son.

Your son?
What?

You mean, you and Marietta...?

Yes.
She sent me a letter,

must have been right before
she passed.

I've been trying to find him,
but I couldn't

until I saw him on your show.

Is he here?

That way.
If you hurry

you might catch him.
Thanks.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Man, I wish I could be
related to Billy Dee Williams.

He way cooler than you,
Granddad.

Guess that's why he get
all the b*tches first.

GRANDDAD:
Boys, it's a great day
for yard work.

[***]