03x10 - The Story of Lando Freeman

[bunniefuu]

GRANDDAD:
To whom it may concern.

This is
Robert J. Freeman,

astrophysicist,
soccer star,

ex-UFC welterweight
champion.

For many of you, this will be
the last time hearing from me.

For as of today, I am deleting
my Facebook account forever.

I launched this page
with high hopes

that it might help me find
a woman to love me

on those lonely nights when
I'm not jetting around

the world fighting terrorism.

But all you b*tches turned out
to be bat-sh*t crazy.

Like that bat-sh*t crazy
Carlita,

the Dominican drug-queen.

An average-sized man
can smuggle more cocaine

in his rectum than you think.

Or that bat-sh*t crazy Tara,

who tried to kidnap
my grandson Riley.

He's just adorable!

I can't give him back!
You can't make me!

You can't make me!

And that bat-sh*t
crazy Dr. Ellen Jackson,

who lured me with promises
of romance and free checkups,

and then tried
to harvest my organs.

[SCREAMS AND GRUNTS]

From now on,
I'm out of the game.

Fortunately,
I don't blame myself.

I blame all of you.

I know many of you ladies
are saying, "No, Robert!

You can't take that
good loving away from us!"

Well, it's too late.
It's gone forever.

And so, with no regrets,
I hereby commit

Facebook hari-kari.

[EXHALES]

Delete!

* I am the stone
The builder refused *

* I am the visual
The inspiration *

* That made lady
Sing the blues *

* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *

* The same spark
That lights the dark *

* So that you can know
Left from right *

* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *

* The inner glow
That lets you know *

* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *

* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *

* Chop, chop, chop *

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

TOM:
Man, this weekly jog

was a great idea, wasn't it?

Look at us.
We're workout buddies.

Hey, speaking of buddies,

I read your Facebook
su1c1de note, man.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

I'm not just giving up
on Facebook,

I'm giving up on women.
It's pointless.

These women out here
are insane.

Robert, Robert,
the key to happiness

is to eliminate all black women
from your life.

I mean, look at me.
No black women in my life.

Look how happy I am.

I'm happy as a n*gga
with a new g*n.

Now, Ruckus,
that is preposterous.

Oh, preposterous? Preposterous.
Really? Really?

Answer me a question:
Is you happy?

Sure am.
Uh-huh. See?

No black women
in his life neither.

n*gga-free and that's
how he need to be.

Just because I'm married
to a white woman

doesn't mean there's a single
thing wrong with black women.

But you did marry
a white woman.

You have to find the woman
who makes you happy, Robert.

Well, black women
don't wanna be happy.

They squeeze out about
seven or eight of them

little nappy-headed children
by the time they ,

it's all downhill from there.

[PANTING]

Look at that.

Oh, that woman's body over
there, that's a temple.

A black woman's body
is the Temple of Doom.

When was the last time you saw
a black woman jogging, Robert?

Ask yourself that question.

And I ain't talking about them

super steroided shemales

in the Olympics that tuck
they testicles up, either.

Well, come to think of it...

Ah-ha.
That's what I thought.

You ain't never seen it
because black women don't jog,

that way they don't sweat out

all them industrial-strength

toxic avenger
chemicals they use

to straighten up they hair.

Mm, Sarah loves to jog.

Well, of course she do.
Sarah is a human being.

Okay, fellas,
enough of the guy talk,

gibber-gabber,
talkie-talk.

Can we just start
running already? Come on.

[LAUGHS]

You coming?
I ain't running with y'all

two n*gg*s in the park.

Police might sh**t me
by mistake.

[GRUNTS]

See you on the
other side, n*gga.

[***]

Oh.

* Doo-doo-doo-doo-dee *

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

* I know you're
The one for me, baby *

I'm sorry, you don't mind

if I stop here, do you?

Uh, no.
You... You're jogging?

Well, just love keeping
myself in shape.

It's m*rder on my hair,
but you know,

no point in having the best
hair at my own funeral.

Ebony.
Ebony Brown.

Boys, guess what.

I met a woman,
and she asked me out on a date.

HUEY: Grab the g*n.
RILEY: Got it.

You get the sword.
[g*n COCKS]

Hurry up, get to the car.

Where she at? Do we need
to sneak out the back?

I like this one.
She's different.

Your dating life has been
a serious thr*at

to the safety of you,
the people in this house...

And really the entire
neighborhood.

Not her, I met her at the park.

What was she doing in the park
in the middle of the day? Huh?

She was jogging.
She looking for

some lonely old man
to take advantage of.

Really?
I guess it's possible.

Know what? I'm gonna call her
and cancel our date.

Can you just take
it slow this time?

Maybe not bring her back here

until you're sure she's safe.
Never mind.

I said I was giving up on women
and that's what I'm gonna do.

Maybe your problem with women
is you pick crazy ones.

But you can't hold that against

every new woman you meet.
Don't you always complain

about women who can't
let go of their baggage?

Don't be a hypocrite, Granddad.

Be a hypocrite, Granddad.

[***]

Hello, there, chimpan...
Uh, monkey...

I mean, n*gro female.

Welcome to... Oh.

Ruckus, how can you work at all
these places at one time?

Hello, Robert.
What a surprise

to see you here with your

female companion.

Robert, who's this?

This is just the valet guy.

Mr. Valet Guy,
can I speak to you over here

about the car?

Robert Freeman, I swear
every time I'm ready

to count you amongst
the smartest of the accursed

sons of Ham, you manage
to prove me wrong.

I want you to leave us alone
tonight, Ruckus.

You're not gonna ruin this.
We're just going to get

to know each other.
Oh, really? Really?

Well, I'll tell you everything
you need to know right now:

She got kids,
she got a police record,

and she got debt up
to her wide nostrils.

Well, we'll see about that.

But you just leave us alone.

EBONY:
I've never been here.

GRANDDAD:
Mm, you smell so good, Ebony.

EBONY:
Thank you.

Mm, everything looks great.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Robert?
Uh.

Is something wrong?
Nothing's wrong.

Just very excited to get
to know you, that's all.

Tell me about yourself.

What do you wanna know?
Anything.

You can tell me, uh, about
the last time you were arrested,

or a funny story about
the collection agent,

or about one of your
many, many, many kids.

[LAUGHS]
I've never been arrested,

and I don't have any kids,

and I have perfect credit.

Really?

Uh...

I need to use the restroom.

Ruckus, you were wrong.

No record, no kids, no nothing.

She passed the test.

She didn't pass the test.

She just smarter than you.

Let me talk to her.
No.

Don't you go over there,
Ruckus.

But...
Leave me alone, I gotta go pee.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

I'm okay, thanks.

Whew, don't mess it up.

Be calm, take it slow.

Mm-hm, hot date,
tonight, huh, brother?

Yeah, it's like everything
she says is perfect.

But I'm taking it slow,

just getting to know each other.
Mm-hm.

There you go.
Good luck, brother.

[CLEARS THROAT]
[COINS CLANGING]

Oh, I'm sorry.

All I have is a .

All right,
I'll take that for now.

Well, don't you think
a is a bit much?

All you did was turn the water
on and hand me a paper towel.

I didn't even ask for it.
You don't have to ask for that.

It comes with
the service, n*gga,

just like the assortment
of gums, mints, lotions,

and hair care products.

But I didn't use any of that
stuff, I just had to pee.

Now I'm happy to tip,
but a is too much.

Too much? For sitting
a foot and a half away

from piss and sh*t
and nasty-ass farts

from you m*therf*ckers
for six hours straight, n*gga?

I shouldn't have
to go to the ATM

every time I wanna
use the bathroom.

n*gga, get your ass
away from my commodes.

f*ck you.
No, no, no, you don't.

Get your ass back here
with my mints.

You lucky I ain't allowed
to leave this bathroom, n*gga.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, I always hear
y'all complain about

a shortage of black men.

Well, clearly
you hadn't checked jail.

Ha, jail?

I can't do any
better than jail?

Oh, now you too good
for jail, is that it?

A jail n*gga was
good enough for momma,

but not good enough
for you, huh?

[LAUGHS] Ruckus, stop.

Ebony, don't listen to him,
he's half-Ret*rded.

He's only got one eye.

No, no, Robert, Robert.

I'm doing this
for your own good.

Robert, your friend
is too funny.

BOTH: Wha...?
I mean,

his views are obviously
reprehensible,

but there's just enough truth
to make me examine myself

in a critical light.
Plus, he's hilarious

and thus oddly likeable.

Huh?
Huh?

Well, it's, uh...

I-It's a... It's a pleasure
to meet you as well,

ma'am.

So then Jesse tried to say that

I ordered the cheese sandwich
and that I ate

Martin Luther King's
chicken pesto.

But I always ordered
the chicken pesto.

Martin started ordering
it after I started ordering it.

And so Jesse Jackson tried
to stand up all swole.

And I said,
and pardon my language,

"You know what, Jesse?
I'm sick of you."

And then he pulled
out a Kn*fe and said,

"n*gga, I'm gonna cut
your nuts off." So I said,

"Ah, f*ck it, it's only
a sandwich." True story.

I can't believe it,
that actually happened?

Stuff like that
happen to me all the time.

I don't think he was playing.
He wanted to cut my nuts off.

Do you know
how amazing that is?

Do you... Do you know
how amazing your life is?

Well, Robert.
Hope you not feeling

this credit crunch,
because you just spent

a sh*t-ton
to feed this wildebeest.

[LAUGHS] Wildebeest?

Oh, well, this one's
on the wildebeest.

[GASPS]

Here we go,
you just won't learn.

I checked her out.
I'm telling you she's wonderful.

Better than wonderful.

Sure she's not
gonna hurt anybody?

Almost positive.

All right, Granddad.
Go ahead, fall in love again.

He doing it again, Huey.

I can see it in his eye.

She's coming over tonight.

And you two are going
to behave. Got it?

Why don't you just sign your
retirement benefits over to her?

All your bank accounts too.

You just met her yesterday.

What's taking so long?
Shut up.

And you, you an enabler.

Enabling-ass n*gga.

[***]

EBONY:
Seriously?

Yeah.

Well, I understand why Robert

was worried at first.

There's a lot of
crazy women out there.

Ma'am, we are so happy
you showed up.

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

Yes, that is a very impressive
set of prepared responses.

Ruckus? What are you doing here?
How did you get in?

It's okay, Robert, really.

I think it's great that your
friends care so much about you.

Robert, may I use
your little girl's room?

So how did you
two kids meet in a park

in the middle of a workday?

Taking a long lunch?

Well, I run
a non-profit organization,

so my hours are flexible.

Wow, so what kind
of work do you do?

Well, up until recently
we raised money

to find a cure
for Patterson's disease.

Patterson's disease?
I've never heard of it.

Yes, nor have I.

Well, it's a very serious
terminal illness.

Well, it was a serious illness.

We cured it.
Wow, you cured it?

Yep.
I've never heard

of one of those foundations
actually curing anything.

Yes, that sure is amazing

that you cured that disease

that ain't nobody
ever heard of.

Oh, tell us, tell us,
what other incredible things

have you done
that only you know about?

Were you guys just talking

about Patterson's disease?
Yes. You've heard of it?

My Nana had
Patterson's disease.

Oh, hon.
I never knew that.

She cured it.
Oh, my God,

you saved my Nana's life.

[SOBS]

You're wonderful.
You are.

[CRYING]

Congratulations, Robert.

She's amazing.

Now, now, we're just
taking it slow.

I tell you all, it's a trap.

Beneath that baby-soft lotiony
exterior, them wide,

inviting hips, and that ample
chocolate bosom

is a savage, Africanized,

pot-boiling, bone-in-the-nose,
doing-a-monkey-dance,

playing-drums female.

Ruckus, get the hell on.
Go.

Hey, you may as well
be f*cking an orangutan.

Didn't I tell you?
She's perfect.

She's the perfect woman.
I can't find

anything wrong with her.
Right, Granddad,

maybe she not a ho.
Maybe she just

marry you and take
everything when you die.

Let's call her a businesswoman.

All right, boys, time for bed.

Say good night to Miss Ebony.

Huey, Riley,

it was great meeting
the both of you.

HUEY:
It was quite a relief
to meet you, Miss Ebony.

I hope we can hang out
again before you steal

all my Granddad's money.

[GRUNTS]

[ROLAND SHAW'S "LET THE LOVE
COME THROUGH" PLAYING]

[GIGGLES]

[HUMMING]

[GIGGLES]

[HUMMING]

Ah!
[SQUEALS]

Oh, daddy.

[HEAVY BREATHING,
KISSING]

GRANDDAD:
Sweet thing, you.

EBONY:
Wait. Can we turn the lights on?

I like to be able to see.
GRANDDAD: Lights on?

I just put on
some weight recently.

I'd rather keep it very,
very dark.

Uh, just use your imagination.

[LAUGHS] You're so funny.

Okay.
Whatever you like.

[MOANS AND KISSES]

[***]

EBONY:
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me guess, let me guess.

And Ed the Third
gets sh*t in the chest.

Yes.
[LAUGHS]

I just love your life.

You have these crazy adventures

with these bizarre characters
and it's so much fun.

Never thought about it
like that.

Seemed like a bunch
of problems.

I love it that you fight people
with a belt,

I love it that you're friends

with a pimp named
A Pimp Named Slickback.

I love that Riley thinks
everything is gay.

I know I shouldn't like
any of these things, but I do.

Yeah,
I guess it is kind of fun.

I want to be a character.

Uh, cameo
or re-occurring?

Regular.

Oh, my.

[***]

What am I gonna do?
She's perfect.

She's the perfect woman.

What's the problem?
She too good for me.

Is that what she said?
No,

she says she likes
and accepts me for who I am.

So, what's the problem?

She doesn't know the real me.

No one normal
can love the real me.

I have to do something
drastic before I screw it up.

I should try to be someone
totally different.

You know,
like Tyrese or Chris Brown.

Someone who's not
a dorky old man.

Yup. Makes sense.
And I shouldn't tell her

how much I like her. Women
like the chase, don't they?

Yup.
Soon as she thinks

she's got me,
she's gonna move on

to another old man to satisfy
her sick old-man fetish.

Nah, she probably just got
a young n*gga on the side.

Another man? Of course.

With all these young men

with good blood pressure
running around?

And he's probably buff too.

Yup, real buff.

Like Tyrese buff?

Nah, like Cent buff.

Oh, no!

He probably spends all his time
in the gym getting strong.

I bet she thinks
of him every day,

even when she's with me.
Especially when she with you.

Granddad, this is silly.

She obviously likes you.

Just relax and be yourself.

Myself?
Nah, that'll never work.

[***]

Yeah, uh, I'm looking for
something like a homing device.

Like in the movies, you know?

See, I have a friend who needs
to follow around

a young lady friend.

Uh, not stalking her
or anything.

You know, that would
be real creepy.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

[***]

So you just put that little
GPS gadget thingy

in her car and now we can
follow her anywhere.

Lord, the white man
sure is brilliant.

I do love him
and his modern technology so.

Finally. That which
the darkie has done

in darkness shall
come to light.

I can't believe it.

Why, Lord, why?

Oh.

GRANDDAD:
Oh!

I didn't know she can do that.

Let me see.
Let me see.

Oh, my God, look at that.

I'm so sorry, Robert,
but I told you,

that Afro-tramp
could not be...

[SCREAMS]
[SQUIRREL SQUEAKING]

Sorry, squirrel.

[***]

Hm, I don't know.

I don't think
I'm a fan of the earring.

Well, I like it.
It's my ear,

I can wear an earring.
Maybe two.

You saying I'm too old
to wear an earring?

What's wrong?
You seem grumpy.

Oh, like Grumpy Old Men,
huh?

[LAUGHS] I get it.

Let's all laugh at the old guy.

Is something bothering you?

Now I'm too sensitive?
Is that it?

Huh?
EBONY: No, I'm not saying that.

Are you okay?

Look, do you want me
to take off?

I feel like I'm getting
on your nerves.

Huh? Hey. Hey!

Stop looking at my woman!

[MOANING]

Hey, what the hell?

Why are y'all staring
at my girl like that?

I know she's hot.
I know she's got a big,

wonderful, glorious behind.

But I'm the guy she's with.

And y'all think because
I'm a pudgy old man

that y'all can just look
at her when you want.

I may not be young. I may
not be buff like Tyrese,

I may not have the pectorial
muscles of a Michael Jai White,

or the washboard abs
of a Tyson Beckford,

or even the sh*t-your-pants
scariness of a Kimbo Slice.

But don't think I won't punch
one of you punkasses in the eye

for looking at my girl.

You. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

You! Hey, punk.

Were you looking at my girl?

EBONY:
Hey, stop.

[***]

I am so, so, so,
so sorry, Ebony.

Please don't break up with me.

You don't have to keep
apologizing, Robert.

I'm worried about you.

I don't know what came over me.

I just... I feel so old.

There's so many younger,
sexier men out there,

like bald Boris Kodjoe,

or the British sophistication
of a Idris Elba.

Robert, I don't want
to date those guys,

I've already dated those guys.

What?
[LAUGHS]: I'm kidding.

Whew. Thought you was a ho
for a second.

Oh, man, you fought for her?

Nobody told you
to fight for her.

She'll never respect you now.

I mean, she probably didn't
want to say it to your face,

but it's a wrap.

Shut up.
I'm not listening to you.

It's a shame too.

She wasn't bad.
She said she gonna

give me another chance.
Is that right?

How long since she called you?

[GROANS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
Hey, it's me again.

I just sent you a text message
and a e-mail,

and an instant message,
and a MySpace message,

and I just put
an actual letter in the mail.

You should get it
in a couple of days,

and I also tried to send you
a telegraph at the station

but the man said
they don't exist anymore.

I tried to page you but the man
said that doesn't exist anymore.

So, uh, just, uh,
call me when you can.

I'll just be here, waiting.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN:
We are like the perfect couple.

MAN:
I'm starting to look like you.

[***]

[SIGHS]

Granddad, I found her.

You did?

Twitter? What the hell
is a Twitter?

g*dd*mn, they keep
coming up with these

stupid computer things.
I can't keep up.

There should be one damn
computer thing. That's it.

Well, her Twitter says
she's in Malaysia.

Malaysia?
What's she doing there?

She obviously went there
to get away from me.

Or maybe she went for the
inexpensive male prostitutes.

She probably just
needs a little space.

Yeah, a little
other-side-of-the-planet space.

Granddad, you better hurry
before she gets to the moon.

It's settled then.
I'm going to Malaysia.

[***]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTS]

And make sure those crates
get moved over there...

Ebony.
Robert?

What are you doing here?

Why? Why did you leave me
all alone?

I mean, I know I made mistakes,

but to leave forever
without saying goodbye...

Robert, it's been hours,

and the flight is hours.

Oh, yeah, somehow it seemed
longer than that.

I tried to call, but my phone
doesn't work over here.

Well, then why did you leave?

You didn't hear
about the typhoon?

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
[HELICOPTER FLYING OVERHEAD]

[***]

Robert.
I'm really shocked

that you came all
the way out here,

but it's not healthy.

Look at you.
You look exhausted

and stressed and, I don't know.

I don't want to have
this effect on you.

You don't look happy.

I'm happy. What makes you
think I'm not happy?

It was all just a big
misunderstanding.

Whew, well, since I'm already
here, I might as well

help out with
the relief effort.

Robert, we have
to slow this down.

No, let's speed it up.
Let's go faster.

Robert, you'll be fine.

Next week you'll have some crazy
adventure with another woman.

You won't even remember
this little episode.

I don't know,

I'm not too sure
I have many episodes left.

[***]

Goodbye, Robert.

[GROANS]

Please?

Where's she at?
Where's she at?

Miss Brown.
Miss Brown.

Oh, I know she
in there, Robert.

And I can't hold my feelings
inside no longer.

Marry me, Miss Ebony Brown.

Do me the honor of becoming

Mrs. Uncle Ruckus.

She's gone, Ruckus.

Gone? Gone, what you...?
What you mean she gone?

I blew it.

Oh, is she ever coming back?

I don't know.

She said I didn't
love myself enough.

Well, that's understandable.
You're a co*n.

Hey, I wonder if Ebony can
start one of them foundations

and cure revitaligo.

Oh, she sure was something.

I mean, she was a ape,

but she was the prettiest ape
I ever seen.

GRANDDAD:
This is the new
Facebook account

of Robert J. Freeman.

I'm old but still
get around pretty well.

I have two bad grandkids,

and I enjoy pork,
orange juice,

and watching
Real Housewives of Compton.

No bat-sh*t
crazy women, please.

And don't forget to comment
on my pics, LOL.

[***]