* I am the stone
The builder refused *
* I am the visual
The inspiration *
* That made lady
Sing the blues *
* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *
* The same spark
That lights the dark *
* So that you can know
Left from right *
* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *
* The inner glow
That lets you know *
* To call your brother sun *
* The story that just begun *
* The promise
Of what's to come *
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
* Till the w*r is won
Won *
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop *
REPORTER [ON TV]:
It's a scene normally reserved
for major Hollywood
blockbusters.
The faithful have been
lined up for days.
Some arrived in costume.
All for the love of chicken.
[***]
[HUEY GRUNTS]
Okay, try it!
[MACHINE BUZZES]
[HUEY GRUNTS]
JAZMINE:
Huey!
TV ANNOUNCER:
Tomorrow, the fried chicken
event of a lifetime!
One more herb.
One more spice.
The new Kernel's Fried Chicken
New Original Recipe.
Now with
herbs and sp...
What the...?
I bet it's your brother.
I knew I should have
abandoned him at the mall
when I had the chance.
Boy!
What did I tell you?
Huh?
I said you can do what you want
with your survival thing
but don't mess with my TV!
Every year it's a new disaster.
Bird flu, swine flu,
World w*r III,
k*ller astranoids,
New World Order. What was it,
the Trisexual Commission?
What the hell
is a trisexual anyway?
Trilateral.
I got a silly contraption
in my garage,
a hundred gallons
of f*cking water.
I got more damn Cheerios
and canned green beans
than I'm ever gonna eat!
Granddad, I promise
you'll be thanking me
when the crisis comes.
Where is the crisis, boy?
Where's the disaster?
Where's the return
on investment?
All this damn money
for extra food and toilet paper.
That's it. It's over.
I ain't spending
another damn dime
on the end of the world.
You on your own now. Boy, you
ready to go get some chicken?
Yeah, yeah!
You want fried chicken, baby?
Fried chicken is m*rder.
Suit yourself.
Come on, let's go.
[CHUCKLES]
[GRANDDAD HUMMING] Yeah!
What's that for anyway?
It's a generator.
What does it do?
Nothing right now.
But if I can get it to work,
it could save our lives.
So how bad is it gonna be?
When the end
of the world comes?
I don't know. But I got
it all worked out
so the three of us
can survive in this house
as long as possible.
Three?
Me, Riley and Granddad.
What about everyone else?
I can't save everyone else.
If I tried, I'd just
end up saving nobody.
What about me? Would you
let me stay here?
You know, if things got bad?
The plan is for three people.
A fourth person and we could
run out of food or water...
But I'm your friend. Can't you
make a plan for four people?
[***]
I guess.
[SIGHS]
I feel much better
about that now.
You know, Huey, everybody says
you're a loony person,
but I think one day you're gonna
be smarter than everybody.
Man, this chicken
gonna be off the chain!
* I can't wait I can't wait *
* Mm, I'm gonna get
Some chicken *
* I can't wait *
See, you kids don't know
how lucky you have it.
All my life we only had
herbs and spices.
This is a whole new...
Oh.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Aah!
Aw, man...
[***]
[HORNS HONKING]
[SIGHS]
A two-piece special
with lots of hot sauce
and all the fries
you can give me.
Boy, wake up,
it's almost chicken time.
What? I can't believe
what you telling me!
Huh, what? No way!
No g*dd*mn way!
Hell, no!
What is it?
m*therf*ckers talking about
they out of chicken!
What?
Listen! Listen!
WOMAN [ON PA]:
Welcome to Kernel's
Fried Chicken.
We are out of chicken
at the moment.
Please go away until
we have more chicken.
Thank you. God bless.
They ran out of chicken?
Aw, man, this is
some old bullshit!
No chicken? I ain't gonna
be able to get that bucket?
How can they be out of chicken?
It's Kernel's Fried Chicken!
This is outrageous!
This is an outrage!
Hello? ?
No, I ain't calling to snitch,
I got a real emergency.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Some of us have been
looking forward to this day
for a long, long time.
Hello? My emergency?
These fools done
ran out of chicken.
Welcome to Kernel's
Fried Chicken. Unfortunately...
MAN:
I ain't leaving
this m*therf*cker
until I get my chicken!
I'm standing out here waiting!
That's what they do.
Keep screwing the little man.
They're not gonna
get away with this.
You right!
Hey, he right!
It's time for us to fight back!
Let's knock some
m*therf*ckers out.
We are not gonna
take it anymore!
[ENGINE STARTS]
WOMAN: Huh?
[GROWLS]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Tonight,
civil unrest explodes
in several major
American cities.
There have been reports
of fires, looting,
and v*olence
in the streets.
All over a fast-food promotion
gone terribly wrong.
As the first customers tasted
the new secret recipe,
reviews were stellar.
Yo, m*therf*cker!
This... Yo, n*gga.
This sh*t is bad as f*ck.
Put this sh*t
in your mouth.
Eat that m*therf*cker!
Eat it!
But early on in the day there
were signs of trouble.
Impatient crowds, drive-through
lines stretching for miles,
scuffles between tired
and hungry customers.
How you gonna say
you got chicken
and you ain't got
no chicken?
You knew y'all was gonna
do this for a year!
How am I supposed
to feed my family now?
I want my [BLEEP] chicken!
My babies want
their [BLEEP] chicken!
[DOOR OPENS]
I can't believe after
all that, no chicken!
I always miss out
on the hot new thing.
And now,
another crisis brewing,
this one around
a mysterious virus
that seems to have
appeared out of thin air
and is spreading
like wildfire.
Already there are
confirmed cases
of the mystery virus
in all states,
and the CDC warns
it could spread
to hundreds of thousands
by the end of the week.
Personally, I'm scared
shitless, and for good reason.
Where this virus came from
is anybody's guess.
It's the chicken.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
GRANDDAD:
Who is it?
HUEY:
Have you eaten the chicken?
Huh? Huey,
it's Tom and Jazmine.
Have you eaten the chicken?
Ha-ha. No.
What?
Huey, did you hear
about the mystery virus?
Huey, you've got
Jazmine terrified
about all of this
end of the world stuff.
Tell him, Huey. Tell him
the end is coming.
Look, if you guys wanna play
your little make-believe
survival games that's fine.
But sweetie, I promise you,
the world is not going to end.
Please, Daddy.
It's not safe.
Honey, I have
to pick up your mother.
Stay as long
as you want, have fun.
Call me when you wanna
come home.
No!
He made his choice.
You in or out?
[WHIMPERS]
Nobody,
anywhere saw it coming.
Oh!
It's being called
the fried chicken flu.
Thousands are sick, and CDC
officials confirmed today
that the same fried chicken
responsible
for a second day of riots
around the country
is also responsible
for a pandemic
that experts are saying could
reach biblical proportions.
I've never seen
any f*cked up sh*t like...
I gotta get out of here!
Get out of my f*cking way!
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[***]
Oh, my God!
Oh, man, this is terrible.
Now we'll never get
to try that chicken.
ANCHORMAN:
Today the mayor of Louisville
ate chicken
at a press conference
in a show of support.
Seven hours later,
he was in a coma.
Yet amazingly, people are
still eating chicken.
Packing into
the few restaurants
that still have
the golden bird in stock.
Willing to risk life and limb
for a leg and a thigh.
We're all gonna die!
We're not going to die.
No, she's right.
We're all gonna die!
[CRYING]
God, please, take
everybody else, but not me!
We are not going to die.
This is the day I've been
planning for my whole life.
Here is the survival plan.
It contains guidelines
for security,
food and water rationing,
energy usage,
communications,
et cetera, et cetera.
What?
n*gga, what is this, homework?
Everything you need to know
is in your packet.
It's easy to understand,
and I used extra large type.
Uh, I don't like
to read instructions.
Yeah, and I don't like
to read period.
Just give us the gist.
No. You need
to read all of it.
It's all important.
Okay, but what's
the most important stuff?
[SIGHS]
I guess the most
important thing
is that we keep quiet
about our emergency supplies,
and we don't let anyone else
in the house no matter what.
Fine. Agreed.
What about Mommy and Daddy?
There's nothing we can do
for them. They're goners.
Huey's right,
they're on their own.
They gonna die.
[CRYING]
Hey, man, she gonna be crying
like this all the time?
'Cause I say if she is
we kick her out.
Shh!
Everybody shush! Shush!
President Obama is talking.
He's gonna tell us what to do.
My fellow Americans.
Uh, good afternoon.
I'd like to start off by
thanking all of you out there,
uh, who have called
and written letters
about the safety
of the First Family.
You'll be happy to know
that Michelle, Sasha, Malia,
myself and Bo are all fine.
Don't nobody
care about you, man!
Tell us everything
will be okay for us.
Everything is going
to be okay...
for us.
We are currently
in our very own super-secret
underground bunker
with enough food and water
and entertainment to last
several lifetimes.
But I'm here tonight
to talk about you.
In times of crisis,
Americans pull together.
And what's gonna get us
through this difficult time?
Sharing.
Sharing?
Lending a helping hand to a
neighbor in their hour of need.
No. f*ck a neighbor.
What we need is a cure.
Unfortunately, there is no cure
for the pandemic we now face.
But we do have
an even more powerful w*apon.
Compassion
for our fellow man.
No! f*ck compassion
for our fellow man!
In conclusion I want to say
that we are all in
for some tough times ahead.
And when I say we,
I mean you.
But Michelle, Sasha, Malia,
myself and Bo
are gonna be right here,
rooting for you all the way.
Good night,
and God bless you.
And may God bless
the United States of America.
We all gonna die!
[BOTH CRY]
We all gonna die!
[BLENDER WHIRRING]
Hey, good morning, Huey.
You want some breakfast?
[SIGHS]
Granddad, what's going on?
Just a little breakfast.
Oh, by the way, this is Tina.
She's gonna be staying here
until the crisis blows over.
Granddad, the plan was
for four people.
How come you get
to have a friend
and I can't have a friend?
It's not a slumber party,
Granddad.
I planned
on Jazmine being here.
I didn't plan for anyone else.
Well, your plan sucked.
You think the world's gonna end
and I'm gonna be trapped here
looking at y'all
sweaty-necked Negroes?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ew! I'll get it.
Granddad, wait! Granddad,
the emergency plan says
we don't open the front door
until we know the identity
of the person outside
and can confirm
they don't have...
What do you want?
Hey, uh,
Riley told me y'all had
a fly little emergency setup
over here and
to be honest a n*gga
was kinda wondering
if he could hold it down
for little while.
Ha-ha!
What up, Thugnificent?
Granddad, can he
stay with us too?
No!
Why should I help him?
Look, old n*gga,
this fried chicken flu
is kinda scaring a n*gga.
m*therf*cker is wiling
out and sh*t.
I don't know sh*t about
survival. I'm a rapper.
No!
Nope. Sorry.
That's a cold situation.
Both of y'all get friends
and I can't have a friend?
He does have a point.
I don't play favorites.
Don't think I came here
empty-handed either.
Ain't nothing thugnificent
about being a freeloader,
you smell me?
Leonard!
Yo, anybody hungry?
I got the whole menu right here.
Mm-hm.
Minus the chicken, of course.
Check it out.
We got singles,
doubles, bacon doubles,
double bacons with a little
bit of meat on it, fries,
Frostys,
some chili-cheese.
I wouldn't touch that, though.
I taste it on the way here.
I ate all the chili-cheese,
that's why I said
don't taste it, but who wants
some other stuff?
Granddad, this is
not in the plan.
Well, according to the plan
all we got to eat
is Cheerios and green beans
so once again your plan sucks.
You got a bacon cheeseburger?
Here you go,
Mr. Freeman.
Thank you kindly.
[LAUGHS]
Where my room at, n*gga?
Now again, we don't
want anyone to panic,
but let's look at some
of the projected
casualty rates by state.
Let's start
with New York,
projected million
and a half dead.
Maryland,
, dead.
Florida, a million and a half
projected to push up daisies.
And now certain fears
that the virus may have
jumped franchises and may
be infecting chickens
from Bluto's, Temples Chicken,
even Chick-le-fai.
Damn, everybody's
catching this sh*t, man!
That must be some
good ass chicken!
The real tragedy is
that we may never ever get
to eat fried chicken again.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[THROUGH MONITOR]
Robert? Huey?
Anyone home?
Say no.
Hey!
Mommy and Daddy!
What do you want?
This...
[VOICE DISTORTED]
...is a restricted area.
Hey, uh, it's us.
We're just checking
on Jazmine, and, um,
wondering if it was
too late to...
Is Huey home? Can we just
talk to Huey, or Robert?
HUEY:
This is Huey.
Huey, let us in.
I can't.
JAZMINE:
That's not fair!
You let everyone else in!
GRANDDAD:
They're on their own.
We don't have enough food
for two more people.
What about
what Leonard brought?
No way, that's for us.
Guys, it's us!
Tom and Sarah!
We are your neighbors
and dear friends.
We've had so many hilarious
adventures together.
Come on.
You're really gonna leave us
out here to die?
SARAH: Oh, come on!
[WHISPERS] We should let them in
because Jazmine
will start crying
and we'll never get
her to shut up.
Okay, I guess.
Step closer to the camera.
[BEEPING]
They can come in.
Really?
Thank you, Huey!
Thank you, thank you!
They're not allowed
to eat anything.
Works for me.
[WHIMPERS]
[***]
[SLURPS]
LEONARD:
I like it when the
burger is stuck in my teeth,
I can get it out
and eat it too.
[SIGHS]
Nine people.
We don't have anywhere
near enough food and water.
I agree. There are way
too many darkies in this house.
Ruckus?
What are you doing here?
Oh, funniest thing happened.
I was in the attic replacing
some of that insulation
like you asked me to, Robert.
Then it was like some
kind of expl*si*n,
then it went black
and I hit my noggin.
I just woke up
like five minutes ago.
You've been here
this whole time?
Yeah, but don't you worry.
Old Uncle Ruckus is fine,
I'm just fine.
Oh, I noticed
the president was on TV.
What was that well-dressed
n*gga talking about?
GRANDDAD:
Get the hell out!
Please don't send me out there!
Come on, go!
I don't want the chicken flu!
Lord, I'm too young to die!
Please, I swear I'll never say
anything about darkies again!
No. Get your fat ass
out of here!
[GRUNTS]
GRANDDAD:
Here, have a gas mask.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
Asian stocks posted their
biggest single-day decline
in history because of the
fried chicken flu outbreak...
The government in
Pakistan collapsed today
as a result of the fried
chicken flu pandemic...
Authorities say fried chicken
flu is responsible
for the tsunami that hit the
coast of Vietnam this morning...
With everyone either sick
or afraid of getting sick,
the nation has come
to a complete standstill.
Hospitals are overwhelmed,
as are all basic services.
Power, water, cell phones,
and Internet service provi...
What? What's that?
We're going live to yet another
address from President Obama.
Good evening.
My fellow Americans,
I want you to know
in this time of crisis
I am personally doing
everything I can to help you
and by everything I mean
sitting here
and talking to you
in a calm, soothing voice.
And as long as you
can hear my voice,
everything is going
to be just fine...
Oh, no!
Oh, man!
All that work.
All that planning.
Why did I even try?
Because you're different
from everyone else.
Okay, try it.
[GENERATOR WHIRRING]
[GASPS]
I knew you could do it.
[SIGHS]
Oh!
[***]
Guys, wait! You're gonna
use up all the power.
What, boy?
You're gonna use up
all the power!
I can't hear you! We have
too much electronic equipment
running at the same time!
I'm scared of the dark!
Damn!
[***]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
How long we gotta be
up in here?
It's been like a week
and a half,
it's getting a little old,
all right?
No one's forcing you
to stay here.
I get it, you want me to leave
and get the fried chicken flu?
Is that it? You trying
to k*ll a n*gga, n*gga?
WOMAN [ON PA]:
Robert Freeman!
This is the Woodcrest Fried
Chicken Flu Militia.
We demand to speak with you
at once.
We understand you are
hoarding emergency supplies.
This is a serious offense
in a time of crisis.
You tell them,
Ms. Von Hausen.
They got all types
of goodies up in there.
They got green beans and
Cheerios, and drinkable water.
Even a device
that lets you pee in a cup
and drink it
right back in again.
Still tastes like pee,
but you get the idea.
The Woodcrest
Fried Chicken Flu Militia
will enforce the law
until order is reestablished.
We demand that you let us in
to inspect your house.
Huh?
HUEY [VOICE DISTORTED]:
No.
I insist, Mr. Freeman!
Let us in at once!
Let me try.
Get the f*ck on!
Mr. Freeman!
We are not leaving
until you allow us in.
That bitch must have
lost her mind.
We gotta do something.
What should we do?
It's in the plan.
Did anyone read the plan?
[ALL MURMURING]
I did!
Hm. Homemade
tear gas.
Homemade teargas.
That's an idea.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, that's it.
That's the ideal response.
That'll solve our problems.
[***]
Hey, old woman!
Suck on this!
That's right!
Eat an old d*ck, old bitch!
[GASPS]
Fall back, faggots!
Now, Riley, there's no need
to be h*m*.
Eat it, you p*ssy punk b*tches!
[CROWD YELLING]
The t*rrorists are using
chemical weapons! Retreat!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Yay!
How do you know if someone
has fried chicken flu?
Well, it normally starts
with a temperature,
and excessive sweatiness.
After that,
tremendous stomach pain.
[GROANS]
Headache.
Loss of balance.
As mucus builds up,
they will begin
to have an incredible
amount of snot.
Soon after that, the inevitable
projectile vomiting.
[SCREAMS]
TOM:
Oh, God!
Okay, stay calm, stay calm. Oh.
Tom, Tom.
Can you hear me?
[GROANS]
Tom, I need to know
how you contracted the flu.
Did you leave the house?
No. I was so hungry, I...
Leonard.
It was so delicious.
[***]
I swear my left hand,
right hand to God,
I did not feed him no chicken.
Just some fries
and some Buffalo wings.
Oh, man, there was chicken
in here all this time?
Chicken?
No, no, not chicken.
Buffalo. You ain't just hear
me just say Buffalo wings?
When I tried one
I thought to myself,
"This tastes like chicken."
But the fact it was a buffalo,
I was like, I don't
wanna say it out loud,
y'all gonna think I'm stupid.
That's why I ain't
get no chicken.
GRANDDAD: Get out of here!
THUGNIFICENT: Hold up, man!
You too, you nasty ass hooker!
It ain't like that!
I didn't just catch
you on top of Tina?
Well, yeah, you did,
but I swear I thought
it was cool, man.
You thought it was cool?
How is that cool?
I swear to God, man,
she told me you wouldn't mind.
I thought you was
sharing with the homey!
It ain't no fun unless...
n*gga, you know
what I'm talking about.
I thought we was tag teaming
on the ass, man, all right?
That's disgusting.
Get out! All of you. Out!
Out!
Please, please, please,
let me stay!
GRANDDAD: Get out of here.
I'm sorry I smashed your broad.
What we gonna do?
I didn't mean to k*ll Tom.
I fed him 'cause
I wanted him to live.
And now he not gonna live, so
it's like, why'd I feed him?
But I didn't mean to k*ll him.
THUGNIFICENT:
Come on, old n*gga!
We gonna die out here!
HUEY:
Betty's going to come back.
And we can't defend
this place by ourselves.
We have to go.
Leave the house?
But where are we gonna go?
Don't know.
We'll have to take our chances.
TOM:
You guys go without me.
I'm only gonna slow you down.
SARAH:
Oh, honey, no.
We'd never leave you.
GRANDDAD:
Okay, if that's what you want.
Come on, boys.
Mr. Freeman!
It's okay.
There isn't enough room
for the food and me.
Take the food.
Leave me.
[***]
GRANDDAD:
Let's get them all.
Put the cans in there.
Put it up there.
Tighten it up.
Oh, my God, Tom, you heavy.
[GRANDDAD GRUNTS]
Don't die in my trunk.
[***]
Robert Freeman!
You, sir, are a t*rror1st
and a thr*at to public good!
Prepare to be apprehended!
[LAUGHS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
After them!
Get on the bus!
Get on the bus!
RILEY: Yeah!
SARAH: Slow down!
[LAUGHS]
RILEY:
Watch out!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[JAZMINE SCREAMS]
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SIGHS]
* It's terrible in Terrabelle
That's where I'm from *
* It's terrible in Terrabelle *
[ALL YELLING]
RILEY:
Yeah, that's right!
Next time, n*gg*s!
Ride out, old man!
I love you, Robert!
I'm sorry, old n*gga!
What the f*ck
are y'all wearing?
We're here at a Kernel's Fried
Chicken outside of Woodcrest.
It now seems
that fried chicken flu
was actually just salmonella.
None of those millions of people
projected to die have d*ed.
In fact it appears
nobody has d*ed.
We are being told
there are still large areas
without power, meaning many
people are still not aware
that the crisis has ended.
We're going to go now to...
Wait, I'm seeing something here.
Uh, it looks like something
coming right at us...
Dear God! Run!
[ALL SCREAM]
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
[RILEY COUGHS]
RILEY:
Are we dead?
[ALL GROAN]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
TOM: I'm okay.
SARAH: Honey?
GRANDDAD:
Oh!
Can I get...
Can I get a two-piece
and a biscuit?
And all the fries
you can give me.
Oh.
[HORN HONKS]
* Down to the gristle *
* Make you wanna
Smack your mamma *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
* It's bone-suckin' good *
03x12 - Mr. Medicinal
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.
Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.