03x14 - The Color Ruckus

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Boondocks". Aired: November 6, 2005 – June 23, 2014.*
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Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.
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03x14 - The Color Ruckus

Post by bunniefuu »

[***]

OFFICER:
SEALs picked this guy up
out of Kabul.

Name is Omar Abdul
Hassan Assad Abad

Ali Shaheed Muhammad.

CIA guys couldn't get
anything out of him.

They said you were
our best bet.

[BEEPING]

You know who I am, don't you?

So you know what I'm gonna do

if you don't tell me
what I need to know.

You do not scare me.

Stand him up.

[PANTING]

[SCREAMING]

Where's the target?
Allah, make my testicles

strong against the boot
of the infidel...

[SCREAMING]

Where is the target?
My gonads are indestructible,

my penis shaft is strong
like the oak tree.

[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

His vitals are spiking.
He can't take much more.

We're just getting started.

[OMAR GASPS]

Agent Flowers, his heart.

[FOOTSTEPS CLANGING]

No.

[FOOTSTEPS CLANGING]

Wait.
Wait a minute.

[FOOTSTEPS CLANGING]

Okay, look.
Maybe I was being stubborn.

Let's try and talk this out!

Wait, I remember
where the target is!

OMAR [SCREAMING LOUDLY]:
Woodcrest!

* I am the stone
The builder refused *


* I am the visual
The inspiration *


* That made lady
Sing the blues *


* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *


* The same spark
That lights the dark *


* So that you can know
Left from right *


* I am the ballot in your box
The b*llet in the g*n *


* The inner glow
That lets you know *


* To call your brother sun *

* The story that just begun *

* The promise
Of what's to come *


* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *

* Till the w*r is won
Won *


* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *


* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *


* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *


* Chop, chop, chop *

[***]

So it's true, huh? You're
finally calling it quits.

Yeah. So now you can stop
spying on me.

Well, just because you say
you're retiring

doesn't mean you're retiring.

You could be like Jay-Z
and come back, like,

a couple of months later.

But it is the right thing do.

You can't fight the future.

Don't waste your life trying.

Oh, and one more thing.

You know how you always say

"they" are coming to get you?

Well this time "they"

actually are coming to get you.

Who?
Central t*rror1st

Agency or Unit or...

Uh, come on, I don't know.
A bunch of guys with g*ns.

Why?

They seem to think you're
a domestic t*rror1st,

because you are.
I'm retired.

Why don't you go ahead
and tell them that

while they're
waterboarding you?

Is this a trick?

No, a trick is a m*therf*cker

who'd be out spending money
on these b*tches.

This is a warning.

[GASPS]

[***]

Hey, man,
you see my new iPhone?

I got one.
I don't like the sh*t.

sh*t, I love my iPhone.

This sh*t can do
anything and everything.

RUMMY:
Yeah, everything except make
a f*cking phone call.

HOST [ON RADIO]:
And on the line right now
is regular caller,


I love this guy, always has
some brilliant insights,


Dan Stucky. Dan, what's
pissing you off today, buddy?


What isn't
pissing me off today?

Let's talk about our
president, "Buck Ofama."

It's lunacy! It's like
he's declaring w*r


on rich people.
Right now, you know,


I'm a private
security contractor

on the front lines
defending American freedom.

But I got plans
to start my own business,

and I figure to have about $
million in the first two years.

Wow. Well, Obama is gonna k*ll
that million. Just k*ll it.


Yeah, he's gonna take it,
redistribute it

and give it to all those losers

who sit around all day
watching TV and getting fat.

HOST:
Unbelievable, isn't it?


I heard
Obama's passing legislation

that'll let guys
who can't get laid

go to your house
and bang your wife.

Ha-ha-ha!
Dan the Security Man,


as always you are
right on point.


Always good to hear from you.
Next caller.


[BEEPS]

DAN:
Hey, right on time.

It's Tweedlee f*cking dumb ass

and Tweedlee
bigger dumb f*cking ass.

Today's our last day, Dan.
You gonna miss us?

I just can't wait till
we get this brand new

super fantastic
security system running.

Well, in hours
the new system will be online,

the building will re-open,

and we be out
your life forever.

You know what keeps
this building secure? Me.

A dedicated, fit,

fearless security enforcement
professional

who can spot a godless
t*rror1st from a mile away.

Let me see your fancy
f*cking computer do that.

I think you'll feel
differently tomorrow.

Just make sure you're here
hours from now, oh, about...

: p.m.

[WHISPERING]
And watch the magic happen.

It's gonna be like you d*ed
and went to heaven.

Hey, do you have an iPhone?

Eat my ass.

[***]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I love it.

I got everything I need

for this whole operation
right here.

I got my secret plans and maps.

Only problem is
it's so thin, so light,

it can fall out my pocket
and I don't know

the sh*t happen.
And did you know the screen

was so indestructible it can
stop a speeding b*llet?

That sh*t can't stop
no damn b*llet.

It's an iPhone,
not the iSpyPhone.

Okay,
timing mechanism is functioning.

Everything looks good.
Setting the timer.

I remember when these shits
first came out, man.

b*tches would be coming
up to you like,

"Let me see that iPhone,
let me play with it,

"let me stick it up my ass,

put it in my mouth,
suck on it."

Then one day, you know, I got
tired of all these questions,

you know what I'm saying?
I let the girl

stick the iPhone up her butt.
Huh, took the doctors

hours to get it out.
And you know what?

It was still working.

[BEEPING]

[***]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

It's good to see you, Jack.

Thank you, director.
How's Tracey?

I remember you two were
very much in love

and had your whole lives
ahead of you.

Yes, we were. Then...

[***]

[LAUGHING]

[TRACEY SCREAMING]
Tracey, wait...

[GASPS]

Tracey!

Aw, sh*t, that's bad.

Yes, she d*ed
very violently, sir.

After some time passed,

I was engaged to a very
special woman named Eleanor.

Then...

Catch, Agent Flowers!

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Eleanor!

Holy f*ck, that's bad.

I thought I would never
love again,

then I met Taquanda.

Taquanda?

Yes, sir. Taquanda.

Then...

No.
TAQUANDA: Jack!

Get this m*therf*cker!

What you standing
there for? g*dd*mn it!

[LAUGHING]

Jack Flowers, you worthless
white m*therf*cker!

Taquanda!

Jesus f*cking Christ,
that's terrible, Jack.

He tied her to a m*ssile?

What kind of deranged,
Wile E. Coyote sh*t is that?

Well, I'd love to stand around
and reminisce,

but we should get to work.

We followed up
on that Woodcrest clue.

Came up with one match.

Domestic t*rror1st

with radical leftist
affiliation.

Name is Huey Freeman.

Homeland wants you
to pick him up.

We'll have a field team
ready in .

Banes, are you sure about this?

Look, I've done bad things
in my day.

I've k*lled people.

I've also kicked a lot
of people in the nuts.

I still hear their screams.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

MAN:
My nuts!


But I've never hurt a child.

He's no normal child, Jack.

NSA's got a file on him
thicker than a Luke dancer.

Now I don't know if you know
anything about Luke dancers,

Jack, but they're very thick.

Very large thighs
and buttocks, Jack.

That's how thick his file is.

If he puts up a fight,
you put him down.

[***]

[BEEPING]

Here's what I'm saying.
I used the Recorder app

to dictate the plan
into the phone.

I used the AroundMe app

to find out the b*mb parts
and the detonators.

I used the Amazon app
to price everything out.

Why pay any more
than necessary for C ?

sh*t's gonna blow up anyway,
right?

Great. Maybe one day
they'll invent an app

where you can actually call
some g*dd*mn body.

[TIRE SQUEALS]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

ED:
Crap.

Great.
It's no problem.

I'll just call my grandfather,
he'll get us a new car.

Now let me just use the GPS
to find out where we are.

We're down the street
from your house, assh*le.

Look, that's Riley's house
over there.

Yep, that's what
the iPhone say.

Will you just please
make the f*cking call?

I ain't got no g*dd*mn bars.

sh*t.

* Sergeant Gutter
Crank that dance *


* Watch me crank that... *

Granddad, I know you're not
gonna believe me,

but I think
there are government agents...

Boy, I don't have time
for your crazy bull crap.

I don't like to be
bothered when my

Real Housewives of Compton
is on.


Oh, no, she didn't.

Ew, yes, she did.

Damn it! Argh!
Pause it, boy.

WOMAN [ON TV]:
...fat gorilla. I said I will
snatch you bald, beyotch!


Hey, Pops!
We need a favor.

[***]

WUNCLER [ON PHONE]:
Have you delivered
the final shipment?


Not yet, we're at
the Freemans' right now.

We, uh, blew a tire.

What the hell
are you doing at the Freemans'?


There's federal agents
closing in on that house.


Get to the warehouse now!

Ed, we gotta jet.

Show ain't over yet.
Now, Ed.

WOMAN [ON TV]:
I told her,


don't f*ck with me,
don't f*ck with me.


We got some sh*t
we gotta take care of.

Super secret type sh*t.

Ed, come on.

Okay, fellas, well,
give your granddaddy my best.

Oh, and, uh, I'd stay away
from downtown for...

For quite awhile.
Ed!

You should only
be going uptown.

Ed!
U-P-T-O-W-N.

Ed!

[***]

[SCREAMS]

WOMAN [ON TV]:
Yes, I did say
that I would tap that ass.


That's what I had to say,
n*gga...


[BOTH SNORING]

...but her man was good,
he was good, honey.


He put it up on me...

[***]

AGENT :
Federal Agents!

[AGENTS SHOUTING]

AGENT :
Good. Got everything
under control over here.

[SNORING]

You hoes need to get up off me.

[AGENTS CHATTERING]

Rest of the house is clear.
Damn it.

CTA, this is Flowers.

The package is not here,
I repeat,

we did not get the package.

Someone must have
tipped him off.

Set up a perimeter,
he's probably still on foot.

EDWARD [ON RADIO]:
I got something.


Looks like the old man's
credit card

was just used to buy
a train ticket online.

I'm guessing our guy is
on his way to the station.


We're on our way.
All units proceed

in the direction
of the train station.

I want this whole place searched
from top to bottom. Everything.

[BEEPING]

Oh, I can't wait.
I can't wait to see

what the white man
gonna do to you.

Just drive.

[***]

Jack! I got
a fast-moving yellow bus

about three miles ahead of you.

Looks a little suspicious.

All units, the package
is believed to be

on a yellow bus straight ahead.

RUCKUS:
Ah! Ah-ha!

Look, look!
Here come the white cavalry!

Oh, they got you now,
little n*gga.

Try to get the kid alive.
I'm gonna try

and get a clean sh*t
at the driver.

Here he is,
here he is, Mr. White Man!

Ah! Oh, I hate you.
I hate you, little n*gga!

HUEY:
Keep your foot on the gas!

[GRUNTING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

[***]

[ALL SHOUTING]

Take your foot off the gas!

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[GASPS]
[RUCKUS GROANS]

[WHIMPERING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[***]

[BEEPING]

REPORTER:
In this footage
from yesterday,


the Marines subdued
the possible potential


alleged suspects.

Do you know who I am?
No.

Well, if you knew who I was
then you would know

what I'll do if you don't tell
me what I need to know.

Maybe, but I don't know
who you are.

Do you know what kind of damage

a steel boot can do
to pre-pubescent testicles?

How would I know that?

Tell me where the target is

before I kick you in the nuts!

RUCKUS:
Get your hands off of me!

I'm a proud American!

g*dd*mn it! I knew
this great country

was gonna go straight
to sh*t in a sandwich bag

once that bean pie chef
became commander in chief!

Do you want me to kick you
in the nuts?

No.
Do you want me

to kick you in the nuts?
No.

Do you want me to...
BANES: Wait, Jack.

I do not want you
to kick him in the nuts.

Why?
He's innocent,

but we found something big
at his house,

or should I say,
thin and light.

This iPhone was found
at the Freeman residence,

but it belongs to
an Ed Wuncler III.

Looks like he's the guy
we're looking for.

We found the att*ck plans,

blueprints, schedule,
everything.

According to this,
the target is Wuncler Plaza.

There's something else.
A large shipment

of unknown materials
in a warehouse.

It doesn't say anything
about what it might be?

No, but it's definitely
related to today's att*ck.

We all know what it is.
Bio-nuclear anthr*x.

Bio-nuclear anthr*x.

All right, let's move.
Call Wuncler Plaza.

Tell them to evacuate
the building immediately.

[PHONE RINGING]

Jack, I want you to find out
what's in that warehouse,

and then go after Ed III
and his grandfather.

I'll get you a field team
in minutes.

Yes, sir.

Look, Huey, I apologize
for what happened in there.

But nobody is above the law.

Wuncler is gonna pay for this.

You have my word.

BANES:
Excuse me, everyone,
can I have your attention?

I'm afraid we have
to abort the mission

to arrest Ed III
and his grandfather.

What? What about the b*mb?

Sorry, Jack, turns out
some people are above the law.

The Wunclers will not pay
for what they did today.

You have my word.
Good work, everyone.

Have a good weekend.
And, oh, uh, no going rogue.

MAN:
I got the tequila.
Who's got the salt?

[AGENTS CHATTERING]

I'm going rogue.

Huey, you've got to get
to Wuncler Plaza

and try to get as many people
out of there before it blows.

A second ago you were
gonna kick me in the nuts.

Huey, please,
I'm just doing my job.

It's a crappy job,

but somebody's gotta kick people
in the nuts.

And sometimes you kick
the wrong person in the nuts

and that's tragic.
But now we can both make sure

it's the right set of nuts
that get kicked.

You little
black communist niglit!

I wanna press full charges! I...

[GASPS]

Jack Flowers.

You do know who I am, right?

Why... Oh, w-why yes, sir.
You're Jack Flowers.

You kick them Arab t*rror1st
son of a b*tches in the nuts.

You, sir, are an American hero.

Right now I need you
to be a hero,

and help Huey get
to Wuncler Plaza

before a b*mb goes off.

Yes, sir, mister, sir.

Come on, little n*gga.
You heard the man.

Move your little communist ass

so we can save
some white folks.

[***]

[BEEPING]

[LAUGHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Open the door!

Hey, assholes.

Building's closed.

Look, we gotta get
everybody out of here.

There are bombs
in the building.

Ain't nobody in here but me.

And I'm giving
the orders around here.

Who the f*ck are you two?

Okay, we tried.

Now hush your mouth.
This is a white men talking.

Hey, wait a minute.
You two are the t*rrorists.

I don't know how you two
escaped, but you two f*cked

with the wrong
security enforcement officer.

I ain't going anywhere.

[BEEPS]

[GRUNTING]

And neither are you.

[***]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[***]

What the...?

[DOOR SLIDING]

[GASPS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

RUCKUS:
Come on! Come on!

I need the password
to unlock the door.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I was given a mission
by Jack Flowers,

the greatest white man
since G.I. Joe.

And that mission

is to get you
out of here safely.

Now, what's the password
to open the door?

Eat my ass!

Sir, do not make me use

enhanced interrogation
techniques.

Eat my ass!

[YELLING]

Give us the password!

Eat my ass!
Eat my ass!

* Stomp him in the nuts
Stomp him in the nuts *


Ruckus, wait!

[DAN GROANING]

Eat my ass.

My God, what have I done?

Oh, I have seen the enemy,
and it is me.

Oh, wait a minute.

I-I can't find
my iPhone.

I think I dropped it!

sh*t, you dropped the iPhone

that had everything on it?
What if somebody found it?

They'd know exactly...
[g*n COCKS]

Tell me who the man is
on these T-shirts.

He's a dead man, just like you.

[GRUNTING]

[***]

Oh, sh*t!

[CLICKING]
ED: Bitch!

[ED SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[g*n CLICKS]

Oh, no.

[GROANING]

[***]

Wow.

Go ahead, Steve.

I am so sorry,
Mr. White Man.

Never again will
this foot touch white nuts.

Ruckus! Come on!

[BEEPING]

[***]

We gotta go now.
Come on.

[GRUNTING]

[***]

MAN:
Run!

Run for your lives,
it's coming down!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[BOTH COUGHING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Huey, it's Jack.

Did you get everyone
out of the building in time?

Well, yeah,
but it was just one person.

Meet me at the Wuncler estate.

We're gonna finish this.

WUNCLER:
These are hard times.

Americans need inspiration.

People want real life
to be like in the movies.

With good guys
and bad guys and black guys,

all that sh*t.

This country
needed a rallying cry.

A reminder of why it's great
to be an American.

So you just make this stuff up?

No, several over-paid members

of the Writers-f*cking-Guild
of America make this stuff up.

This is just a joke to you.

We're talking about the lives
of innocent Americans.

Innocent American.
Singular.

Daniel Stucky,
a.k.a. Dan the Security Man.

Have you ever met
Dan Stucky, Jack?

He's a cocksucker.
A waste of functioning organs.

But dead? He would have been
a national hero.

We had Dan the Security Man
action figures,

fast food tie-ins,
video games,

a limited edition
collectable sneaker line.

We had Dan ribbons,
Dan buttons, and Dan ringtones,

and a feature film
starring Jack Black.

And all he had to do was die.

But why?
Don't you have enough money?

No.

[***]

I'm taking you into custody.

You have till the count
of three or I will sh**t.

One.

More than enough time.

Two.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Agent Flowers.
OBAMA: Jack,


it's the president.
First of all,


I want to congratulate you
on the fine work


you've done today.

But Mr. President,
this man has conspired to...

Yes, sir.
Yes, Mr. President.

You can let yourselves out.

[***]

JACK:
Huey, you did
a good thing today.

You saved a man's life.

They don't win
until you give up.

They don't win
until you stop fighting.

You can't fight the future.

Don't waste your life trying.

Boy! Oh, we're so glad
you're okay.

I'm so sorry
I didn't listen to you.

[g*nshots]

Back off. Everyone stay back
or he dies!

Help! Somebody sh**t
this m*therf*cker!

You can't do this to me!
Let me go.

You know who I am? Granddaddy!

What are you waiting for?
sh**t him.

ED:
Granddaddy!

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

[g*nshots,
AGENTS SHOUTING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Man, we might have to think
about moving.

This neighborhood ain't
what it used to be.

Aw, man, we saw you on the news

with all them Marines
pointing g*ns at you.

And you was looking hard too.

You was like,
"What? What?"

GRANDDAD:
Man, Huey, you were really
right this time.

You said it was gonna happen
and it happened.

Imagine all the problems
we could avoid

if we ever start
listening to you. Oh, well!

[***]
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