04x04 - Early Bird Special

[bunniefuu]

Huey: Even though he tried not to show it,

our money problems had clearly
made granddad a little crazy.

[Electronic zapping in distance]

Granddad: Huey, Riley,
is that electricity I hear?!

We can't afford that.

What'd I tell you?

This house is an airplane.

Turn off all your electronic
devices and keep them off.

Matter of fact, get out here!

You should be done trying on those clothes.

- Riley: I can't wear this.
- Granddad: Why not?

Don't tell anyone it's
from the thrift store.

They wouldn't know.

Looks stylish to me. Tell him, Huey.

Huey: It's not stylish.

Granddad: If Kris Kross can jump in them,

you can walk to
school in them.

Riley: For real, granddad?

See, this is why n*gg*r*s drop out of school.

I'ma get teased.

Uh-oh.

Huey: Granddad, you're just b*ating
him to take out your own frustrations.

Granddad: That's what kids are for! Move!

Huey: We were caught in a cycle
of despair, v*olence, and poverty.

I had to find a real solution. A job!

- Granddad: Huh?
- Huey: Why don't you get a job?

Riley: Huh?

Huey: I'm serious, granddad.

Lots of old people are going back to work.

Granddad: And they're horrible at it!

When they wait on you, they slow as hell...

Too chatty! Who give a
damn their kids don't call?

Huey: But you'd be better
than a regular old person.

You're still fast.

We have strong genes.

You told us we come from hardworking
sharecroppers, porters, slaves.

Granddad: Yeah, and after
all that, a n*gg*r is tired.

Huey: Well, I think you could do it.

Granddad: Yeah. If you're so smart,

tell me exactly where are
these jobs hiring old black folk?

Huey: When times got rough,
what jobs did black folks have before?

Try those.

Granddad: Hmm.

__

Huh?

All these people in line for
rote, dehumanizing work?

Oh! No, qué lástima. Trabajo no hoy.

Jobs yesterday, amigo.

Today... Alma awards tickets.

Granddad: Oh. Damn!
Well, thank you, amigo.

[Laughter]

Hey [Bleep] him, trying to take our jobs.

Ruckus: Sorry. I only hire Mexicans, too.

It's that damn Obama's fault.

That's why you can't get a job.

Granddad: Oh Ruckus, you think
everything is Obama's fault.

Ruckus: That's because it is.

He got elected and made good white folks
feel self-conscious about hiring n*gg*r*s.

See, a shoeshine boy

is somebody you should feel
comfortable talking to about anything...

about your mistress, about how
you hate [Bleep] your wife...

somebody you should feel
comfortable calling a n*gg*r,

'cause nowadays, you just can't get
them friendly greetings out at work.

You don't want to look up one day and
see that shoeshine boy on your TV,

talking about "mahmoud ahamadamadinejad"
and clean energy.

That just complicates the relationship.

Granddad: But I'm not
running for president.

Kus: Oh, that is true, but you know
who's never reay gonna be the president?

A w*tback illegal.

You can go home after kicking his
prayer-candle-dipped-in-tapatío-smelling ass

and feel comfortable you will never see
his illegal ass in the Roosevelt room.

Granddad: So, what should I do?

Ruckus: Nothin'.
You ain't got no chance.

As much as them negroes con queso annoy me,

they have one hell of a work ethic.

Hell, they get more work done.

They even import little mini
versions of themselves.

Guatemalans, I think they're called.

[Twinkle!]

[Men snoring]

And am I reading this right?

Where do you see yourself in years?

Granddad: Dead.

What? I'm old. I don't have healthcare.

Sometimes when I sneeze, I [Bleep] myself.

- Once...
- Moving on.

Let's see what you put
for greatest weakness.

Granddad: Pork chops.
- Are you even taking this seriously?

Granddad: Are you?!

These ridiculous questions.

If you, like everyone else, think
I am completely unhirable, fine.

Mr. Freeman, these are
standard job-placement questions.

They're on everyone's application.

Let me be frank... you are unhirable.

You come across as uneducated,

you've just proven you're comfortable
cursing in a professional setting,

and... wait! I think I have the perfect job.

[Beep]

Granddad: Is that a full-size
shampoo bottle, n*gga?!

Get over here, Al-Qaeda!

- [Grunting]
- [Both grunting]

Huey: Eventually, granddad's
pride got the best of him.

- [Laughter]
- [Whistles]

Granddad: Ugh! Ugh!

[Laughter continues]

Granddad: Kiss my black ass.

[Doorbell rings]

Huey: I had to call in the big g*ns...

someone who loved capitalism

and smiled at giving away the
bulk of his free day to the man.

Tom: Hey, Huey.

I came over as soon as I paid my taxes.

Whoa. Who peed in your petunias, Robert?

Granddad: Stupid huey had this great idea

that a job could help with money problems.

Huey: How is it my fault you got fired?

Granddad: It's your fault I tried.

Trying to get a job is the first
step to losing a job.

Tom: Robert, look... I know it's hard,

but we can find you a job.

It's all about strategy.

I got it. You should volunteer!

Granddad: Volunteer?!

Riley: We broke as hell,

doing homework by candlelight,
like Amish n*gg*r*s,

and you telling him to work for free?

Man, that's like hustling
backwards!

Tom: No, it's not.

Volunteering can be the perfect
conduit to full-time employment.

It's a great resume builder...
shows you have drive.

I'm volunteering at the
old-folks' home tonight.

You should come!

Riley: You should go.

You know one's about to die,
be real nice to that one.

Cha-ching!

Tom: [Laughs] Come on!

It'll be fun!

They're so grateful for the volunteers.

Plus, there's lots of lonely cuties there.

♪ Oh! Susanna, don't you cry for me ♪

♪ Well, I come from Alabama with
a banjo on my knee ♪

Huh?

Mnh-mnh! Don't clap.

I'm tired of this lawyer coming
in and just singing.

Can't an old bitch get
some free legal advice,

some estate planning, an advance directive?

[Laughs]

Granddad: [Laughs] Yeah,
it does seem like a waste.

I'm Geraldine.

Granddad: Robert. Pleased
to make your acquaintance.

Mm. Robert, huh?

Why is this my first time seeing you?

What floor you live on?

Granddad: Oh, I don't live here.

I have people who care about me.

Well, I didn't mean...
Seems like a lovely place.

Tom: All right, joke time.

[Laughs]

Is this thing on? No?

[Laughs] All right.

All right, what's invisible and
smells like strawberries?

My farts after I drink Ensure.

- Tom: What?
- [Laughter]

No. Ew. Ick. Gross. That is no... gah.

No, that's... that's not the punch...

Oh, God. It smells like
strawberries in here now.

Let's go upstairs. Come on.

It'll be more fun than this.

[Tires screech]

- Aah!
- Granddad: Ohh!

- Hey, what the...
- Okay, spread 'em! Spread 'em!

You know the deal.

- Mm. Mm! Ooh! [Laughs]
- Granddad: Ugh!

He's clean!

Robert, come. Have a seat.

So, Robert, what brought you here today?

Granddad: Am I about to get
jumped into some gray panthers g*ng?

If so, look... I'd like to decline.

I'm just here looking for a job.

Job?!

Oh, you don't want to work here, honey.

Know what a nursing home is?

It's jail.

Why, you cheatin' bitch!

Okay, okay.

Here.

That's right... jail,

a jail that smells like
a combination of poop,

piss, poopy piss, and gout.

[Bleep] Food and ghetto nursing
assistants in Spongebob scrubs.

Ain't no rest in this rest home.

The worst part... ha!... No money.

That's why we had to flip
this arts-and-crafts room

into our underground financial enterprise.

So, Mr. Man, you still
interested in a job?

Granddad: Yes, but not
after what you told me.

Piss-poop? I want to work in a clean place.

How do you feel about whores, Robert?

- Granddad: Love 'em.
- Good.

Let me back up a bit.

Know why we're broke, Robert?

Because our generation raised
no-good, selfish-ass sons.

I asked my son to visit me.

He said, "I'm busy, mama."

Yeah, n*gga was busy, all right...

Snatchin' a purse.

I'm telling you, every single
one of our boys age to ...

they're stuck on stupid and
fastened to [Bleep]-up.

That's where you come in.

An old-school man like you. [Chuckles]

Young ladies would really appreciate.

Granddad: Oh! That's the job?

Well, give me a red light and sign me up.

Make sure to read the part
where we get to cap your ass

if you don't bring our money by supper...

: on the dot.

Real talk, Robert...

I should hope, at your age, you
know that women are different

when it comes to our needs.

Granddad: No problems here.

I've been around the block.

So, that's it? I'm officially a hooker?

I'm gonna have to
ask you not to say that.

You're an escort.

Granddad: Okay, escort.

Young ladies, prepare to be
escorted to orgasm land! Whoo!

Huey: Granddad was definitely happier

since he came back from the old-folks' home.

I guess there is something to volunteering.

Granddad: Huey, drench my back.

Riley: Aw, no! You
spendin' money on a date

and we sitting here eating air sandwiches?

Granddad: I'm not going on a date.

I'll have you know I got a job.

Huey: What kind of job
wears suits on the night shift?

Granddad: Lots of important jobs...

Valet and pimps.

Huey: Which one are you?

Granddad: Hush. Don't
worry about what I am.

Know what you should be worrying about?

Behaving for the babysitter.

Ruckus: Hello, lil' n*gg*r*s.

Well, go on.

Get out there and sell that
shriveled-up monkey d*ck.

See you in the morning, ho man.

Riley: Huh?

Granddad: Ruckus, I'm not
a whore man. I'm an escort.

Ruckus: Escort? Ha! Let me
break down "escort" for you.

Webster's Dictionary will tell you

an escort is a smart,
pretty white woman who,

temporarily down on her luck,

uses the powers of her gold-plated vag*na

to care for her adorable kids.

You, my n*gg*r, is a ho.

Riley: Granddad!
That's your job... hoin'?

You're sleeping with dudes?

Granddad: Hell, no!
I'm escorting ladies.

Riley: Well, that's all right, then.

Actually, that's kind of gangsta.

Huey: You were supposed to
get a real job.

Granddad: This is a real job.

I don't see what
the big deal is.

Ruckus: The big deal?!

The big deal is that women
would pay to [Bleep] you!

n*gg*r, you know you would
[Bleep] anything for free.

Huey: Granddad, you're
not really gonna do this?

Granddad: Know what I'm not gonna do?

Be late for my first date.

Nothin' wrong with sex.
That's how we all got here.

It's fun, and if you can get
paid for it, better.

That's the exact sex talk I was
gonna have with you in two years.

Now excuse me.

Time for granddad to give the
ladies what they need.

Mm. Ohh.

[Purrs] Mm.

This is exactly what I needed.

God, I should have signed up
for more than three hours.

[Purrs]

- Granddad: [Yawns]
- [Cats meowing]

- Her?
- Granddad: No.

- Her?
- Granddad: No!

- Her?
- Granddad: Nope.

And what about her?

Granddad: No, Marge Simpson's
not prettier than you, either!

You're prettier than tonight's
entire lineup and all of basic cable!

[Gasps] Oh, thank you.

[Moaning]

Yes! Yes!

Oh, God, I've been so lonely!

Oh, yes! Cuddle me harder!

- [Moans]
- Granddad: Ohh.

I'm supposed to be getting used for sex.

I'm getting less sex than before.

[Cellphone rings]

That last date, Vanessa...

That's her again, damn it!

She calls me...

[Imitating Vanessa]
just to see what I'm doing.

Lord, a ho can't be a blessin'
if you don't give him lessons.

Grab a computer.
Pull the stats on Vanessa.

[Tires screech]

- Give me that computer!
- Granddad: [Gasps]

[Moaning]

Um... Robert, I'm gonna need
you to put on your big-boy pants

and listen real careful.

First, women don't pay for dangle.

Even I can go to a club and roll out
with some free d*ck for the night.

What you're doing for our
women is bigger than that.

You're boosting their self-esteem,
making them feel loved, desirable.

Pulled up Vanessa.

No kids, .

She found our ad in the back of that book,

"think like a dude
'cause your lonely black ass

ain't never gonna get one anyway." Ha!

Granddad: Oh, I saw that movie.

Of course you did.

She read the book twice
'cause she didn't have a date.

This is truly the horrible
n*gg*r millennium...

times when even the skinny white
"Sex and the City" b*tches

can't find a good man for six seasons.

Now, if them b*tches got a man cold... ha!

Our women got a man flu!

And we keep them on antibiotics

by doubling down on the bad n*gg*r news.

Boss, here's our stat for the day.

A black woman is more likely to die in a
tanning-salon fire than find true love.

You see? You're making these
lonely black women feel loved,

and that feeling is the most
powerful [Bleep] drug in the world.

Keep shoving that [Bleep]
in Vanessa's veins...

she'll keep you paid forever.

Granddad: But I don't want forever!

I just want to get out of debt.

You know, I'm getting tired of your [Bleep].

Mow you go blow love smoke up
Vanessa's black ass and get my money.

Granddad: Mm-hmm.

- What the...
- Riley: Mm-mmm!

Want me to make you a plate?

How the hell did you get into my house?

Well, our first date went so well,

I upgraded to the "if I catch
you looking at another bitch,

I'll k*ll you package"...

the one that comes with a house key.

Who wants dessert?

Riley: We do! I mean, I do.

Ruckus: Oh, don't look at me.

I thought that nappy-headed
woman was a bear.

I kept trying to lock the door.

Granddad: She's one of my clients.

Ruckus: Look at you, bringing work home.

Very unniggardly of you, Robert.

Granddad: Shut up, Ruckus.
We got to get her out.

Ruckus: [Laughs]

Boy, that is a powerful request.

Them big-thigh black ones just
like bedbugs.

Once they're in, you got to damn near
burn your whole house down to get 'em out.

Okay, I do have one solution

even more powerful than
pouring water on their hair.

Give me some time.

[Door opens, closes]

Granddad: Huh?

- About time we toss this one, too.
- Granddad: Hey!

Riley: And this one!

Man, please, please, can
we keep her, granddad?!

Granddad: You can't
throw away my old shirts!

I relive my glory days in my old shirts!

But if we don't get rid of your ugly
clothes, where will I put my clothes?

Granddad: In your house!

You know I sold my house to pay for you.

[Smooches]

Granddad: Damn!
She used real sweet potatoes.

Okay. Instruct me on
what you expect at night

tell you you look better without makeup,

a couple of "I'll k*ll myself
if you leave me"?

[Laughs] You're just silly-acting.

[Knock on door]

Granddad: When did they start knocking?

I taught them. It's good manners.

- Huey: Riley's talking in his sleep.
- Riley: I'm just reading.

Trick-ass new grandma told me to.

She said readin' was how she got
rich enough to rent granddad.

Granddad: Enough. Get your asses in bed.

You got Riley reading? Whoo!

That must have taken a b*ating and a half.

I didn't b*at him.
We sisters have our ways.

Okay, I threatened to b*at him...

the way my mom did.

Got real demon in the eyes and
looked around at anything in sight

that could be used to b*at that ass.

God, I always wanted kids.

How 'bout I kick in an extra $ a week

and you let the boys call me "mom," hmm?

Granddad: $?

Vanessa, let's not do this anymore.

I'm trying to do what's
right. You deserve better.

You're pretty. You make
a mean sweet-potato pie.

You're smart.

[Crying] I'm not smart.
I can't even buy the right hooker.

I bought the one that breaks up with me.

Granddad: I'm not breaking up with you.

I'm just thinking you could be
really happy without paying for it.

Now you're the hooker
with the heart of gold?

Granddad: Look, I think I'd be real
lucky to find someone as sweet as you.

If we didn't meet this way...

so what, we met this way?

Let's throw caution to the wind
and be a real couple...

No pay-per-dates!

Granddad: I'm under a
-year pimp-ho contract.

The escort service is run by pimps?

What are they, like huge scary guys?

Granddad: Yeah, they are scary.

[Both moaning]

We can do this, Robert.

I promise you, I'm worth
being bitch-slapped for.

[Bleep] No. Not a
clitoris' chance in Africa

we'll let you out of your contract.

Granddad: [Gasps]

Aaaaaaah!

That's right... you ain't
getting out of your contract now!

- Granddad: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Take that!

What? Stop crying like a punk.

Shut the hell up.

You ain't nothin' but a punk-ass bitch.

Take that! Oh, I wish I had more speed.

- How'd it go?
- Granddad: We're still in negotiations.

It'll be fine.

They're my lonely, bitter girlfriends.

I told them about you, and they
couldn't wait to try you out.

Granddad: I thought we...

I just got my ass kicked for you!

I'm kidding! They know we're a couple.

But the part about them being
lonely and bitter... True.

Oh, you're just as
handsome as Vanessa said.

And your grandkids are so well-mannered.

Where their daddy at?

I bet that no-good n*gg*r
dropped them off with you

and never looked back, right?

We go to church every Sunday
praying we find a man like you.

I'm not sure why we keep going.

Only good man in there is Jesus.

Ruckus: Oh, the freaknik circus has come
to town in Robert Freeman's living room.

Girls, that's Ruckus.

He is crazy!

But if he's Robert's friend,
then he's my friend, too.

Oh, there's my African prince!

[Breathing heavily]

Ruckus: That's right...
I didn't forget your request.

The most powerful black-bitch-begone ever...

a beautiful white woman.

[Gasps]

Granddad: No! Make her leave!

Ruckus: That ain't possible.
White women are loyal... for real.

Try to kick her. She'll just love you more.

[Sobbing]

I knew this would happen.

Even the old ones gone white like
they're damn NBA players or something.

Granddad: This is all a stupid mistake.

I don't even know her.

[Crying] I invested all my money in you.

How could I be so stupid?

Come on, girl. You can do better than that.

Roll your neck around and cuss his ass out.

If you guys are mad, yell at me.

I'm fine with being treated like [bleep].

Granddad: Vanessa, please listen to me!

I think you've done enough talking.

Yeah. Go talk to Becky. It's okay, girl.

Huey: After that day,

like practically everything else
we've tried to make life better,

things fell apart.

Vanessa and her girlfriends had
granddad arrested for prostitution.

I sold my gold-plated
hoo-ha to bail you out.

[Smooches]

- [Gasps]
- [Siren wails]

Huey: Of course, granddad had to give
up his bosses to get a lesser charge.

[All shouting]

Riley: Aww.

Granddad: Okay, boys. Like every
other bad thing we've been through,

let's forget it ever happened

so the three of us can get back
to normal as soon as possible.

Huey: Uh, granddad?

[Scoffs] The three of us?!

Well, which one of these little
boys are you tossing out?

'Cause I'm not going anywhere.

Ha ha! Nope, not after
all we've been through.

Huey: While I respect your loyalty,

trust me... I'm related to these people,

and if I had a chance to get out...

I heard an NBA star
moved in down the street.

Huh?

[Gasps]

Really? They're always
looking for girls like me.

Lamar Odom, here I come!

[Door opens, closes]