04x06 - Granddad Dates a Kardashian

[bunniefuu]

(Mid-tempo music plays)

Hey, TV executives!

Ready for another Kardashian show?

Good! 'Cause the new
Kardashian has new ideas!

Hot damn.

There's just something about her.

Yep. I love Kardashia.

Not too much of a man to admit it.

She has everything I need in a woman.

Mm-mmm-mmm!

Yuh-huh.

It's still edgy, not only 'cause he's black,

but instead of long money,
he's got long balls.

I'm talkin' like back of my kneecaps!

Girl, do you know what you do to me?

I trick on you?

(Laughs)

Yep.

- You know what you do to me?
- Not really.

You're secure!

Like, how you don't get
upset when fans think

you're my driver or
O.J. Simpson or whatever.

Upset? They could call me
"f*ck bucket f*ck you n*gga."

They were outside the limousine.

(Both laugh)

You're so funny.

Hey, kids.

I got simple rules for granddad's new girls.

Food? If it's marked with a black
bubble graffiti "R", paws off!

(Laughs) Ooh!

Just like you said, feisty!

Excuse me for a quick second.

(Chuckles)

Both: Ouch!

Damn it! As you know, there has
been a black cloud following us,

but because of this chick,

that cloud has opened up
and she's making it rain!

How long are these cameras gonna be here?

Long as she wants them.

Damn it! I thought you read books!

She is a rich white woman!

This is how black people get free!

You think Harriet Tubman could afford to
build all those rail road stations alone?

Hello?

Aw, hey.

Both: Besties!

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Somebody help me!

f*cking cheap-ass weave.

Sorry I'm late, Kardi.

My horoscope said keep an eye out

for career opportunity, then, bam!

I ran into DMX's cousin's
manager at the mall,

then again in his studio apartment,

and twice on his futon.

I hope he calls me.

(Grunts)

That n*gga Santa, he didn't
even read my Amazon wish list.

My food, all yours.

And, Huey, well, you
didn't have a wish list,

so I got you the default Kardashian gift.

A signed Ray J CD?

You don't like it?

Like I give two shits
what he or his brother likes.

Or Kardashia for that matter.

Besties, my ass.

If this gets picked up and
I don't get a spin-off show

I'm-a get a spin-off show called

Black Assistant b*tches Who
k*ll Their Bosses. Believe that.

Hey, Huey. You want to play
your CD on my new computer?

Psych. (Laughs)

Okay, girlie, chop chop!

We've got that appointment.

It's not a doctor's appointment, is it?

You're not sick! God, no!

God, you can't give me a
gift and then take it away!

Aww.

I'm not sick, silly!

It's just a regular celebrity appointment.

I get paid a few million to shill a product,

and people who live in their
mother's basements talk sh*t

about how many starving kids the
money I just made could have saved.

Oh, okay. Have fun.

Oh.

Boy, I love that.

Hater alert!

Hater alert!

Hater alert!

n*gga just mad he didn't get toys!

(Laughs)

(Vacuum cleaner running)

(Vacuum shuts off)

Why we got to clean, anyway?

Because we may be on national television.

(Doorbell rings)

That must be Kardashia.

It may be time to give her a key.

Come on, homie! Bench!

Dancing With The Stars?

Hey! What the hell?

(Grunting)

Who the hell are you?

I'm Kardashia's half-brother.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know the Kardashians had a brother.

Yeah, well, I didn't know I had some
floozy half-sister who was gonna pop up.

Family is a blessing.

No, it's not!

I was up next.

Now my show's pushed back.

Finally, I had a chance to be famous,

to spend new year's in Vegas

instead of going on some date
with an autistic teen mom.

Damn that Make-A-Wish Foundation!

Sorry.

The only reason chicks bang
me is to get to my sisters.

Man, I'm just looking for the right homie

to help me get my own show!

I am gonna be the latest
Kardashian to inspire young girls.

Like, my nonprofit Believe In
Yourself! You Can Be Anorexic!

Has already raised like
, pounds of celery!

(Glass shatters)

Her butt, it got bigger.

It just broke your
"Perfect Attendance" award!

So? I could just make another one.

This show has to get picked up,

and then we just have to stay together

for at least the first season.

Really?

People don't want to watch
an old broke dude on TV!

This is bullshit.

Roll with that if you want to, homie.

I mean, if you like getting played.

Depending on the parameters,
I'm perfectly fine with that.

(Glass shattering)

Look at our living room!

Why is everyone acting blind?

Everything looks fine to me.

Bench, take your wonderful ideas

and go pitch your own show!

Always hanging around here, being jealous!

Jealous of what?

Why be jealous when I can do this?

Seriously, I am like a
huge business person, okay?

I'm a businesswoman and,
like, this whole thing,

I can't even Google myself, because,
like, too many hits come up, okay?

You're a stupid jerk. You
know what I am? I'm a dancer.

That's right, a professional dancer.

I pop and lock.

I pop and lock.

Screw you!

You're only half-Kardashian.
Where'd you come from anyway?

- I can't even believe it.
- Whoa!

Sit still on the damn couch!

It's not me! It's Huey!

It's her! It's her butt!

Look how big it got!

It's fake!

I'm sorry. What?

Huey's butt accusation, it really hurt me.

So I decided to be the
strong, tough woman I am

and give him a piece of my mind.

(Crying)

I'm sorry, baby.

(Sobbing)

Apologize!

Sorry.

You're taking their side!

You're never on my side!

If these cameras weren't on,

I'd b*at you so bad, you'd
look like impressionist art.

(Sniffs)

Oh, so you did like the
Monet painting I sent you.

I told you!

Take your ass outside!

(Laughing)

You too!

Man, what's the deal with her?

Riley: I don't know.

Huey: Her butt keeps getting bigger.

There's something going on.

I don't care.

I'm-a be in my rich girl-
provided weatherproof tent.

You keep being ass Columbo.

Unzip me when you cr*ck the case.

Granddad is powerless over her ass.

You saw what happened.

Her butt's gonna destroy everything.

Not my problem.

Seriously, one more scene of just
driving that heifer to appointments

and I swear, I'll drop her ass
off at the Basketball Wives

set with a sign that says
"I f*cked your man."

(Door opens)

Hey, pretty girl!

(Beeping)

It is such bullshit that this is illegal.

Eh, not really.

I'm putting used Jell-O sh*ts
and petroleum in your ass.

Whatever it takes to keep
up with the Kardashians!

(Air hissing)

Okay, how about a game-show idea?

Boxers Or Briefs.

If the contestant guesses wrong,

they have to sleep with everyone.

You know, it's never bad to have two ideas

when we're pitching shows.

Got it! t*rror1st Or Italian?

Because those hairy m*therf*ckers,

they look alike.

Love your style, granddad. Call you soon.

'Sup, Huey?

Why are you inside?

Because I have something important to say.

I have something important to say, too,

shut up and get back outside.

Granddad, if I knew something
bad was about to happen,

you'd want me to tell you, right?

Mmm, no, not really.

Every single black man who
has touched a Kardashian ass,

something goes wrong.

Their brain gets sucked out.

There was this one rapper
who went from saying

"George Bush doesn't
care about black people!"

to wearing a leather kilt.

Leather!

I saw kardashia at a
place called Fake Cakes.

It's near that illegal pinochle spot

where you used to leave me
in the car while you played.

Just wanted you to know what
kind of "reality" you're getting.

What I'm getting? I'm getting laid.

I'm getting money.

I'm getting our freedom papers.

And with those three things,
nothing can ever go wrong!

(Giggles)

God, I like you.

Maybe I'm naive,

but I just get the feeling
that you like me for me,

not my fame or my money.

Fame? Who needs that?

Nope, don't need fame.

With what we build, we're gonna show

that love can work even if
your man doesn't have a (K).

k?

A marathon that long would wreck my knees.

Look, can I give you the
ultimate in cable-series love?

You gonna try to trap me
by getting pregnant?

Shut up! I didn't want to seem too eager!

Pregnant? Ew!

I'll get fat or whatever.

No, silly, a promise ring
during the season finale.

Then it's a deal.

Let me get your best yellow wine!

(Gasping)

Whoa! What's the attitude for?

You knew I appreciated the finer
things before we got promised!

What the hell?

Uh!

Oh, my God! Look at her butt!

Aaaah!

(All scream)

(Monitors beeping)

Please! Please!

Baby, wake up!

Could you please stop?

Every time you do that,
you're actually kind of k*lling her.

Sorry.

So, what's the latest, doctor?

Well, after billing her insurance
for every test possible

because, let's face it, the longer I'm gone,

the harder you think I'm working,

I think I've figured out the problem.

Her ass exploded.

I have friends with lots of extra ass!

Can we donate?

Well, it's always tough
on friends and family

when a person's ass gets this big,

but I'm afraid we just have to wait.

Unfortunately, you might have
to make some tough decisions.

This is one of the worst cases
of AAAS I've ever seen.

That's A.A.A.S.,

ass augmentation addiction syndrome.

Doc, you got to make her
live! This isn't fair!

Fair? Life tends not to be fair

when you start shoving foreign
objects into your keister.

Sorry about that.

We've got a dedicated team of doctors here.

I promise, we'll try our best.

(Curtain rustles)

Call the chaplain and the morgue

for the stupid girl in the ass room!

(All gasp)

Come on! We just can't
sit around here and wait!

I know! We'll start a walk-a-thon!

They cured breast cancer.
I'm sure it'll cure this.

No! You want a chance to shine?

Here's your chance.

We're gonna get justice for your sister

and show how much we care.

Now, follow me, Bench. Oh, by the way,

if anyone from the pinochle place
say I owe them money, haul ass.

(Indistinct conversations)

Ooh, look at her.

Oh, she look good.

I would give my ass for that ass.

(Air hissing)

Aah!

So you get off on getting my
Kardashia all strung out on ass?

I don't know what you're talking about. Unh!

Oh, you don't know?

Did that show you?

Bench, help me show this m*therf*cker.

Uh-huh.

This is cool.

No, God damn it!

Open hand means put something in it

so I can hit this punk-ass doctor.

Hold up. I'm the sidekick?

She's my dying half-sister!

I came up with all the show ideas!

(Sighs)

What's taking granddad so long?

I'm hungry.

(Deflating)

Woman over P.A.: Cleanup on
bed number three, stat.

This place is depressing.

If I'm about to die,

promise you'll just pull the plug.

n*gga, if I'm about to die, keep me alive.

I want to be a burden,

I want my feet clean,
I want my diaper changed.

Keep my ass fresh until they find a cure.

Man, for real. I'm starving.

We got to get some food.

(Both crying)

Well, that person didn't finish his lunch.

I'm up in that piece.

Aah!

Old woman: Don't scream. It's okay!

I give food to the hungry.

I'm Mother Maria.

Come in, young skinny black child.

Yeah, you're the damn sidekick.

You came up with the other
shows, but this is my idea.

Hey!

Where you going? I'm not done with you.

Sidekicks are really the most important.

Audiences love them!

Robin the Boy Wonder,

that Fantasy Island tattoo guy, Chewbacca!

Why don't we all just calm down?

Don't tell me what to do!

I need some kind of revenge for my lady!

She's lying there about
to die because of you!

I didn't force her to do anything!

I told her, even an Armenian
girl's caboose has its limits.

She knew the risks!

I'm tired of this.

Matter of fact, I'm done talking.

Hit him, Bench.

Trust me, be Chewbacca!

(Roars)

Unh!

Don't you ever f*ck with
us or anyone we love.

No, no! Could you not do that?

(Air hissing)

Ha ha! You're gonna have a butt face!

Yes, I spent my whole
life feeding the hungry.

I fed many brown babies.

Mostly the words of Jesus.

Sadly, many d*ed.

You know what's really important in life?

(Snores)

Riley: Hey!

Looking out for others.

I guess it all started when
I was a nurse in the w*r.

I used my pantyhose as
tourniquets for the troops.

Looks like you've lived a full life.

Oh, I have.

Ha! Those medals,

even got one from the vice
presidente after World w*r II.

Yep, he gave me a medal and some smokes.

Would have been nice if he'd
visited me when I had emphysema.

(Coughing)

Well, who do you usually talk to?

Don't you have visitors?

Eh, no one cares about an old broke lady.

Plus, there's some celebrity in here.

They say she's got the
whole floor locked down.

I can't even get a nurse
to change my diaper.

Ew! I ain't hungry now.

Ah, but I forgive her

and all the people around her.

Boys, there's great power in forgiveness,

self-sacrifice, and
thinking of yourself last.

First plan, you keep her alive long
enough to make sure we in the will.

Plan "B", she dies, you break
out the tape and pitch the show.

We thr*aten to go public and show
America we're the only ones who care!

Mmm-hmm.

Seriously, what other men in
her life would have done that?

You keep forgetting I just met this chick.

And may we one day get to a world

where no porcelain goddess

feels the need to pump up her beautiful

ironing-board-flat ass to
airbag-sized proportions

just to attract some five-time baby-daddy

bad-free-throwing n*gga athlete.

Amen.

Hey! Ruckus, what the
hell are you doing here?

This is a serious matter!

Oh, I know it's serious.

Word 'round the street is that
you living a serious n*gga dream.

Oh, you got your own personal ATM

in the form of a rich white girl.

Oh, and she ain't just any kind of white.

She Armenian,

from the home of the
glorious Caucus Mountains.

Get it? Caucasus. Caucasian!

We see what you doing.

Oh, ruckus, what's wrong with a
young woman spending on an old man?

Reverse happen all the time.

Oh, it just ain't natural, Robert.

It ain't natural.

Men are supposed to be the
strong heads of household.

White women's job is to make
sammiches and look pretty.

Now, once ladies start
controlling the purse strings,

things get crazy!

They just let themselves go.

Hell, we got a career woman
right now down in .

Bitch lost her cellphone
in her own body fat.

Now that I hooked you up with camera-time,

you better introduce me to LeBron for real.

And if you ever have a
baby die in your arms,

you'll notice a peace and
a certain sweet smell.

Like bartlett pears, almost.

Look, go on, kids. I don't want to bore you.

I guess when you get to be my age,

you just want a little
attention, that's all.

I think we know where that girl is

who's hogging the nurses.

We'll get one for you.

God bless you, son.

Let's go, Riley.

I know. Damn.

She got a n*gga feeling all
unhungry and emotional.

Come on, squeeze my hand, baby.

Let me know you're still there.

Okay, don't squeeze my hand

if you want me to be the
sole beneficiary in your will.

She didn't squeeze. You got that?

Come on, man. Have some dignity.

Let's just pull the plug.

This gravy train is a wrap for all of us.

We're not pulling the plug until
you recognize that non-squeeze.

Just pull the damn plug.

If she lives, she'll be deformed.

What kind of shitty life is that?

(Crying)

Damn it! My lady is not dying

until we've had a real
benefits talk up in here!

Oh! Did I hear a n*gga
raising his voice in the I.C.U.?

Okay, n*gga, that's it!

Your government benefits have expired!

Come with me.

If you don't get your
damn hands off of me...

Hey, guys! Did you know there's

a really important lady
out there who's really sick?

Wow, this is boring.

I'll go see if she's hot.

(Monitor beeping)

(Crying)

I hear the sad-song cue.

I know it means something
bad is about to happen.

I watch Grey's.

Hoo, we're in crisis mode.

Only one way to save her,

a full butt-to-butt blood transfusion.

Does anyone know where I can find

a huge ass full of AB blood?

Wait. AB blood?

The Kardashians have always been O's.

I am out of here!

So, people with "O" blood
can't have AB children?

No, never. AB with "O"? No.

- You see, the genetics...
- Damn!

I got to make one quick
call to my son's father.

sh*t's about to get real.

So that means she's a
fake? Ain't that a bitch.

(Scoffs) Ain't it? I just lost my job.

Granddad, look, she's moving her hand.

(Groans)

I just wanted to be on TV.

Granddad: Let's go, kids.

(Flatline)

Look, stop with the w*r and kids stuff.

You want someone to hear
your story, make it raw.

Yes, I f*cked Eisenhower.

And back then, it was
harder when you put out.

Syphilis could k*ll you.

Oh, my God.

I'd be dead like four times already.

Girl, you are a natural.

We can stretch this over episodes!