04x09 - Stinkmeaner: Begun the Clone w*r Has

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Boondocks". Aired: November 6, 2005 – June 23, 2014.*
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Adventures of two boys, Riley and Huey Freeman, who undergo a culture clash when they move from Chicago to the suburbs to live with their grandfather.
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04x09 - Stinkmeaner: Begun the Clone w*r Has

Post by bunniefuu »

Open . [Machine hisses]

Mr. Stinkmeaner, do you understand
what I've just told you?

I'm a clone!

Yes, created at this secret and highly
illegal underground human cloning facility.

Why am I so old?!

Eh, what?

If you cloned me when you say you did,

shouldn't I still be a little kid?!

The man who you are a clone
of is Colonel H. Stinkmeaner.

He answered our volunteer
recruitment ad on Blackpeoplemeet.

A few days later, he d*ed in a street fight.

f*ck him! He dead! I'm alive! m*therf*cker!

He left you those clothes,
that cane, and the glasses.

He asked that if the cloning was
successful, we relay this message.

"Dear me, please go f*ck
with Robert J. Freeman.

Warm regards, n*gga. O.G. Stinkmeaner."

By the way, you're not exactly
the same as the original.

There were some enhancements.

Hey, kids, welcome to
the n*gga moment reboot!

This is where we're gonna
do some sh*t we already did

and just pretend you didn't
see that sh*t the first time!

[Laughter] That's right, n*gga!

We don't respect your intelligence!

[Laughter] Hey, and welcome
to "Cooking with Stink!"

- [Cheers and applause]
- We're whipping up a n*gga moment today,

and here's what you'll
need to make one at home!

First, you'll need two
black men, age to .

You can find these pretty much everywhere!

I've got two right here!

- [Cheers and applause]
- Then add one minor incident.

Could be an errant look, incidental contact.

I prefer the classic shoe step myself.

[Audience shouts]

After that you just need
years of thug rap.

The movie "Scarface," which
teaches irrational thinking.

Don't forget to stir in the cr*ck!

[Laughter]

And mwah! Voil? Delicioso!

- [Cheers and applause]
- The best thing about n*gga moments is,

they never stop! Every day for
n*gg*s is like "groundhog day"!

- Granddad: [Gasps]
- Yeah, n*gga!

I hit your car just 'cause I wanted to!
[Laughs evilly]

I didn't even want to park in that space!

I just wanted to f*ck your car up and
then wait here to tell you I did it!

- What you gonna do?!
- Granddad: No!

- Two old dudes about to fight!
- Granddad: It can't be!

[Spectators ooh]

- Stinkmeaner?!
- Close, n*gga!

It's the clone of Stinkmeaner,

n*gga, and I've been waiting here to
tell you, you's a bitch-ass, F*gg*t-ass,

punk-ass, p*ssy-ass, bitch-ass n*gga!

[Spectators murmur]

Granddad: You know what? I'm sick of this
sh*t. You came back to life again?

Fine, I'll k*ll your punk ass one more time!

Well, let's go, n*gga!

Come see what this blind,
old man got for your ass!

Granddad: [Grunts]

[Spectators murmuring]

Ohh! Unh!

Oh, yeah! You wasn't expecting
all that was you, n*gga?!

It's a black n*gga samurai! Ha!

Granddad: [Grunts]

[Shouting indistinctly]

Granddad: Agh!

- [Both grunting]
- [Laughs evilly]

- Granddad: Agh!
- [Laughs evilly]

Yeah! [Shouting indistinctly]

Granddad: What's wrong with y'all?!
Somebody help me!

[Siren wailing, tires screech]

The police! Thank God for the police!

[Footsteps approaching]

The good news for you is,
he's not pressing any charges.

Granddad: He's not pressing charges?!

He att*cked me! I want to press charges!

There were at least recordings
of the incident, Mr. Freeman.

In all of them, you att*ck him first.

Granddad: But I had to! He's a psychopath!

- I k*lled him, and...
- Go on.

Granddad: I mean, not him,
but it's hard to explain.

That man is going to att*ck me again!

I don't mean to offend you or
make you uncomfortable, but, oh,

- do you know what a n*gga moment is?
- Of course.

Thank God for them,
or I wouldn't have a job.

But an n-word moment, as you put it,

does not excuse you from obeying the law.

So if this is an n-word moment,
Mr. Freeman, my advice is,

do not be an n-word.

Granddad: Oh, hi, guys.
What are you doing up?

I, uh, got into a little fender bender.

I'm okay... just a little, uh...

Riley: [Laughs]

Granddad, you got your ass b*at again!

I mean, anybody can lose once or
twice, but granddad stay losing!

Granddad: What?! You know what happened?!

Riley: Do we know what happened?!

Everybody knows what happened!

I caught the last half
of it on the live stream!

Granddad: Oh, no! Why me?! Why?!

Huey: I don't understand.
How does he keep coming back?

Granddad: He said he was a clone.

Huey: A clone?!

Granddad: I know! When did
they start cloning people?!

I watch the news! Brian Williams never
said nothing about no human cloning!

Riley: Man, one of your fights got a
total of seven million views so far!

Ooh, we should start a business of just
letting you get your ass b*at, granddad.

I mean, n*gg*s get b*at up all the time,

but people really get off
seeing you get your ass b*at!

- Granddad: [Growls]
- [Doorbell rings]

Ruckus: Robert Freeman,
you're the only person I know

can get his ass whupped by a n*gga

he already k*lled a dozen times before!

I mean, by nature, n*gg*s lose. They losers.

They natural-born losers,

but you like some kind
of heptathlete of losing.

Granddad: Not now, Ruckus! Not now!

Ruckus: Well, I'd actually lower my voice,

seeing as how you just got
your ass whupped! [Laughs]

Completely embarrassing!

Oh, I can't see how a man could
achieve a quality erection

after getting beaten that bad.

Granddad: Then there's only one
thing I can do. I have to train.

I have to become a master warrior so
I can defeat my enemy in a rematch,

preferably on video so I can post
it online and salvage my dignity!

Riley: Ooh, that sounds like an awesome
plan that can't go wrong, granddad!

Millions of people would
tune in just to see you die!

Huey: Granddad, isn't that exactly what
we did the first time this happened?

Granddad: Yeah.

Huey: And you ended up k*lling him.

Granddad: Yeah. See? The plan worked.

I did it once. I can do it again
because I believe in myself.

- Huey: No, granddad, my point is...
- Granddad: Less talk, more training! Let's go!

Huey: The more you fight,
the more he fights.

It's your ego, granddad.
You're the problem.

Granddad: I'm rising to the challenge,
redeeming my honor!

Huey: That's a nice way
to say you want payback.

What's the opposite of a n*gga?

- Granddad: I don't know.
- Huey: Think about it.

- Granddad: Mr. Rogers?
- Huey: Perfect.

Can you imagine Mr. Rogers
in a n*gga moment?

[Both laughing]

Granddad: Of course not!

Huey: So to end a n*gga moment,
you have to be Mr. Rogers,

and what would Mr. Rogers do?

He would follow normal white-people rules.

So if Stinkmeaner confronted
Mr. Rogers in a parking lot...

Granddad: Oh, yeah, he wouldn't fight.

He would walk away and call the police.

Huey: And if he keeps coming back?

Granddad: File a complaint,
get a restraining order.

Eventually, they would
put Stinkmeaner in jail.

Riley: But then he has to snitch,

and then I got to live with that shame!

Granddad: Yes, dumb idea, Huey.

Stinkmeaner get away with
b*ating me in front of everyone!

I never get redemption!

Huey: But it ends.

Granddad: You're saying that
I should just let him get away

with b*ating me in front
of the whole world?!

Huey: If you want this to finally end, yes.

Granddad: No, I can't do that.

I got pride. I'm strong.

No woman wants a man who files a
restraining order in the face of danger.

I want an erection!

Huey: How many times in life do
you get a second chance, granddad?

A chance to fix your biggest mistake?

Granddad: Fine! I'll find someone else
to make me a master swordsman.

Riley, look up "master swordsman."

Private lessons.

You know I don't like a lot of
people around me when I'm sweating,

oh, and not too expensive.

Uh, we're broke.

[Ringtone playing]

Oh, somebody's calling me on Skype!

Nobody ever calls me on Skype!

[Laughs evilly]

What's good, n*gga?! Bet you
weren't expecting this face!

I'm surprised you can still
see after what I did to ya,

you bitch-ass, f*gg*t ass, bitch-ass f*gg*t!

Granddad: Damn it, how'd you figure
out how to call me on Skype?!

I don't even know how to use this sh*t.

Hey, n*gga, I just wanted
to let you know that

if you not too much of a p*ssy-ass n*gga,

you can meet me tomorrow in
the parking lot for a rematch!

Oh, and I put the word
out to the whole world,

so if you don't show, well,
you know what that means.

[Laughs] You's a bitch-ass n*gga!

Bitch-ass.

You's a bitch-ass n*gga!

Yeah, rock with me, Robert! Come on!

Granddad: Something's wrong.
That cave... I feel cold.

That place... it is
strong with the dark side.

Mm, a domain of evil, it is. In you must go.

Granddad: What's in there?

Only what you take with you.

Your weapons... you will not need them.

Granddad: Yeah, whatever.

[Creatures chirping]

[Grunts]

- [Breathing heavily]
- Granddad: [Gasps]

[Lightsaber whirs]

[Breathing heavily continues]

What's good, Robert?!

What's really good?!

- [Shouting indistinctl]
- Granddad: [Grunts]

[Sighs]

Aah!

That's right, Robert! I'm you!

[Laughing evilly]

Granddad: Aah!
[Screaming]

[Breathing heavily]

[Indistinct talking]

Riley: I can't believe you going
out like this, granddad.

- Granddad: n*gga, hush!
- [Telephone ringing]

Uh, yes, I-I just want to make sure that
the sergeant know it's Robert Freeman.

I'm at the mall, and I'm gonna be
att*cked by this crazy n*gga at any time.

Okay? So they're on their way?
Okay, just making sure.

Riley: Granddad, you do this, you
really gonna be a bitch-ass n*gga.

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised

'cause if I Google "bitch n*gga,"
I'll find you, but damn!

Ow!

I'm afraid to show my face!

Hey, look who's coming.

[Indistinct shouting] [Spectators booing]

Go home, old man! You're a loser!

[Booing continues]

- [Cheers and applause
- Well, well, well!

You ready for one more ass-whupping?!

You're going down!

Granddad: I will not fight you, Stinkmeaner.

Say what, n*gga?! You not gonna fight?!

[Spectators booing]

Then why'd you come?!

n*gga, you could've told me
you's a bitch over the phone!

Granddad: I came because
I'm not afraid of you!

But I'm tired of acting like a n*gga!

I'm an old man. I'm dignified. I watch PBS.

All y'all should be ashamed!
This has gone too far!

Now, I've already called the police,
so everyone should just go home!

- [Spectators booing]
- Come on, fight, old man! Fight!

[Siren wailing]

Aw, hey!

[g*ns cock] [Cane clatters]

- Ruined everything!
- [Indistinct shouting]

This ain't over, Robert!

We got your back, Stinkmeaner!

Granddad: [Hums] It worked.
[Humming] It worked. [Humming]

[Doorbell rings]

Hey! Ed Wuncler, my favorite billionaire!

What can I do for you?

Well, I heard about your little incident,
and I wanted to see if you were okay.

Granddad: Oh, I'm fine.

That's good because I brought a friend over.

[Laughs evilly]

What's good, n*gga?! You
thought you got rid of me?!

Granddad: [Gasps]

♪ Still here. And you's still a bitch ♪

[Laughs]

I love this guy... so entertaining!

Granddad: But he's supposed to be in jail!

I know, yes. I took it upon
myself to bail him out,

as well as bribe the district
attorney to drop the case.

You really should stop snitching, Robert.

What happened to this
country when two grown men

can't settle their differences
in a bloody street fight?

I thought maybe we could
come in and have a chat.

Granddad: No, absolutely not!

That monster is not stepping
one foot in my house!

Well, technically speaking,
it's my house, remember?

The one that's underwater,

the one you and your children live in

out of the little warmth
in my cold, hard heart!

[Slurps]

What the f*ck kind of
lemonade is this bullshit?

So, as you know, we're still not
where we need to be with this house.

You owe me a lot of money,

and I started thinking

this hilarious thing you guys
do together could be the answer!

Granddad: This man is a psychopathic stalker,

and we don't do anything funny together!

The people feel differently, Robert...

million views. The fights are a hit!

It would be good business to do one more.

Granddad: No, absolutely not!
Out of the question!

Just one more. Everything will be legal.

If one of you accidently
gets k*lled, no problem.

We can do pay per view,

a little mini doc to go with it,
maybe even go to different cities.

Think of it like the WWE.

Except it'll really be me
kicking yo bitch ass every night,

you punk-ass F*gg*t-ass bitch!

What you guys do together is like

watching the Harlem Globetrotters
b*at the Washington Generals,

except it's an old, black man
kicking another old, black man's ass!

Granddad: [Sighs]

I don't want to do this! Why do
I have to keep fighting this man?

I k*lled him already!

Riley: Granddad, you got to take
all that anger you've been feeling

and hold onto it real tight!

Focus on it, and so on
fight night in two weeks,

that's how you're gonna find the strength

to b*at this n*gga in
front of the whole world!

Granddad: Yeah.

Riley: He made you look like a
punk in front of everybody!

Now he living it up,
getting money. He's on TV.

I seen him on TMZ.

Got some bad b*tches, too... Bad ones.

- Granddad: [Shouts]
- [Laughing evilly]

[Laughing evilly continues]

Granddad:
[Growls] [Grunting]

[Grunts] [Sighs]

We'd like to thank tonight's sponsors...
chicken and sugar water!

Riley: Man, is that that new Stinkmeaner
sketch comedy show on TBS?

That n*gga's everywhere!

Take that rage, put it
in your fists, granddad.

Huey: Riley, you notice anything
different about granddad?

Riley: Hell yeah! I'm noticing a
lot different about granddad!

He ain't never gonna get his ass b*at
again, and it's all because of me!

I told him to take all
that hate, hold onto it!

Granddad: Stupid politicians are stupid.

Everybody's f*cking stupid, God damn it.

What... what... what is this sh*t here?

What is this... a f*cking cooking show?

[Grunts]

Huey: He keeps bumping into things.

When he's not working
out, this is all he does.

Granddad: f*ck, it's all a
bunch of bullshit anyway.

Oh, they're a bunch of f*cking liars.

The president is a liar.

Tom: I think there may be a problem.

Granddad: Only problem is you
m*therf*cker think I can't hear you!

Tom: [Whimpers]

Hi, Mr. Freeman. Unh! Hey!

Granddad: Damn it, watch
where you're going, bitch!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

sh*t I ought to whup your big ass!

Now get the f*ck out of my way!

- Riley: Slow down, granddad!
- Huey: Granddad, watch out for that curb!

Riley: Ow!

I can't find my seat belt!

[Car horns honking]

Huey: Whoa, hey, granddad, I think
we should talk about your eyesight

and whether it's safe to drive.

Granddad: I've been driving my whole life!

I don't need to know how
to see to drive! Shut up!

[Tires screeching]

Now, what the f*ck is this?!

I hate when people do that. I hate it!

I hate it! I f*cking Hate it!

That was supposed to be our space!

You know what? You know what?! f*ck That!

That's our space, God damn it!

[Tires squealing]

Huey: Granddad, what are
you doing?! Stop the car!

Riley: I don't want to die!

There! Now stick that up your ass!

My car! You hit my car!

Granddad: Your fault for parking
like a f*cking assh*le!

Huey: Granddad, wait!
Let's get out. Oh! Man!

Riley: We can't get out! [Grunts]

Granddad: Yes, I said it!

Hey, little girl. Your daddy
parked like a f*cking assh*le.

[Cackles]

Now, won't you be my neighbor m*therf*cker.

Huey: He's trying to start a n*gga moment!

Granddad: I'm from a town
called Whup Mr... Aah! [Grunts]

- Huey: Run!
- Granddad: [Grunts]

Huey: We're sorry! We'll pay
for the damage! Just run!

Granddad: [Grunts] We will not!

You little n*gg*s, get off of me!

Come on, honey, let's walk the
other way and call the police.

Granddad: [Grunting]

- Riley: Stay down! Stay down, please!
- Granddad: Get off me!

- Riley: Please stay down!
- Granddad: [Grunting]

I'm kicking that m*therf*cker's ass tomorrow!

Riley: What do you think...
Too much hate maybe?

[Bag pounding]

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, Stinkmeaner!

[Chanting] Stinkmeaner!
Stinkmeaner! Stinkmeaner!

- k*ll them! Yeah!
- We love you! We love you!

[Indistinct shouting] [Cheers and applause]

[Bell rings] [Cheers and applause]

Oh, fight!

You ready for this, you bitch-ass... aah!

Oh, I see now!

Did you take some karate classes? Whoa!

[Both grunting]

Ohh!

- Granddad: [Shouts]
- Aah!

[Sighs] g*dd*mn, n*gga, that sh*t hurt!

Aah! You... you missed me, n*gga!
[Laughs]

- Granddad: [Grunts]
- [Both grunts]

Granddad: [Shouts]

- Agh!
- [All gasp]

Huey: We have to stop it!

Riley: No, we don't.

Agh! sh*t! f*ck, f*ck, agh!

Ohh! Agh! Agh! Agh! [Bleep]

What kind of f*ck are you...[Moans] agh!

Uh, all right, Robert.

- Granddad: [Grunts] [Grunts]
- [Screaming]

[Moaning] [Sighs]

Granddad: [Shouts]

Huey: Hey, stop this! Granddad,
stop! Listen to me!

We don't have to make the
same mistakes! We can learn!

We're not n*gg*s, granddad!

[Cane clatters]

[Coughs]

[Moaning] [Sighs]

Granddad: If I let you live,

you are going to leave me alone,

and if I see you again, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna call the police and
file for a restraining order!

But what about the fight tour?!

Yeah, you know, this didn't
really go as expected.

When you were the one getting
beaten, Robert, it was fun!

Deal's off!

Granddad: Will you please
go f*ck with somebody else?!

Sure, Robert. All you had to was ask.

I don't even know you. I'm just the clone.

Granddad: That's it. I think
it's finally over. Let's go home.

Hey, hey!

One of you n*gg*s call me an ambulance!

[Cicadas chirping]

Hey, Robert! What y'all eating, Robert?!

How come you never invite ya boy
Stinkmeaner over for dinner, Robert?!

That's f*cked up, you
selfish-ass, hungry-ass n*gga!

Riley: Yo, so, you mean, like,

Stinkmeaner just gonna be
around from, like, now on?

Are you ignoring me?!

Granddad: This is what I get
for doing the right thing?!

Robert!

Granddad: You got to be kidding me!

Come on out here, n*gga!

Granddad: n*gga, what's wrong with you?!

Stop all that yelling, and get off my yard!

I'm not on your yard, Robert!

Look, I'm on the sidewalk, n*gga!

I'm on public property, n*gga!

That's f*cked up! You can't just tell
me what you're eating for dinner!

Granddad: Stop coming around here!

Knew I should've k*lled your ass again.

Come on, Robert!

I'm a n*gga clone! Annoying
you is all I know how to do!

[Cackling maniacally]

♪ Stinkmeaner forever,
Stinkmeaner forever, stink ♪

♪ Meaner, Stinkmeaner ♪

♪ Stinkmeaner foreve, forever, n*gga, yea ♪

♪ Stinkmeaner forever ♪

♪ Stink, stink, stink, stink, stink ♪

♪ S-T-I-N-K-meaner ♪

♪ Stinkmeaner forever, Stinkmeaner ♪

♪ Stinkmeaner, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Stinkmeaner forever, unh, unh, unh ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, yeah ♪
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