01x02 - The Candy Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Velma". Aired: January 12, 2023 - present.*
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The origin of the sleuth and member of the Mystery Inc. g*ng, Velma.
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01x02 - The Candy Man

Post by bunniefuu »

[narrator] Previously on Velma

- [all yelling]
- She has no brain!

Now, when I try to
solve a mystery,

my guilt triggers
a potentially heart stopping hallucination.

Wait, you think
I k*lled Brenda?

You just said you were going to do to me
what you did to her.

I meant pay you to keep quiet.
I'm innocent!

[gasps]

Uh, Velma,
you should see this.

Ugh!

Ahhh!

Oh God, it's Krista!

And she also
has no brain.

[Velma] So, what's
more surprising?


[reporters clamoring]

Fred Jones being arrested for murdering
and removing the brains


of Brenda Bright
and Krista McCray


or that his delicate,
teen heartthrob good looks


stem from the fact that he hasn't gone
through puberty yet?


[all gasp]

[Velma] The murders.
Obviously, it's the murders.


It's not small, it's scared!

[Velma] But it just
goes to show,


we all have secrets.

[grunts] Velma's birthday gift!

[Velma] Even the ones
we least expect.


Ahhh!

[Velma] But as much as you try to hide
who you really are...


Your ass is mine,
best friend.

...Velma Dinkley always knows
the ugly truth,


[Aman] Velma, have you seen that sweater
vest I bought Sophie?

[Velma] Uh, no.

[people gasping in surprise]

[woman in seductive voice]
Because without your ascot, you're naked.

Jones Gentlemen's Accessories.

What are you, poor?

Yes, Fred Jones,
heir to the Jones Gentlemen's Accessories fortune,

was arrested last night
for m*rder.

[muffled] Yeah, thanks to me!

And according to the police,
Jones would have gotten away with it, too.

if it wasn't for
his classmate...

Say my name, say my name.

Vermin Dorkley.

It's Velma Dorkley!
I mean Dinkley!

And finally only one lawyer has agreed
to represent Fred Jones.

Vermin's own father,

- Aman Dinkley!
- What?

Velma, winning this case could make
your father rich!

I already bought
a baby monitor that sh**t on film.

It just looks more real,
you know?

Exactly.

I mean, look at this
from my perspective, Velma.

If you needed money
to keep your pregnant girlfriend happy,

and then you heard what
the Joneses are willing to pay,

I'm sure you'd agree
it's possible Fred didn't do it.

Fred's a rich white guy
with a tiny dong.

He did it.
Now, excuse me.

I have to go find
my missing mother.

You didn't mention
Fred had a tiny dong.

Oh yeah, real baby carrot.

And I'm going to ride it
all the way to victory!

Huh?

[bell rings]

[Norville] Wow, people seem to
be taking to the fact

that Fred is
a brain stealing sociopath

- really well.
- All our classmates

are idiots or sheep,
so let's assume they're high.

Man, if I ever even think
about getting into , culture,

or especially
related humor, k*ll me.

You know what is right?

Um, yeah. It's code for adults
who still watch cartoons.

Now, have you seen Daphne?
Her parents are detectives,

so I need her help
to get my mom's cold case files.

You want me to come with
in case you have another hallucination?

Thanks. But after catching Fred,
I feel my hallucinations

are like the return of
high waisted jeans.

It took a while,
but we're finally through the worst of it.

[siren blaring]

Sweetie, are you sure you don't
want to take a mental health day?

It's not often your boyfriend
is arrested

for removing
two of your friends' brains.

Thank you. But if the kids
in every teen show ever

can get through a brush
with a deranged serial k*ller, so can I.

[sniffs] Good lord!

It smells like the
Playboy Jazz Festival out there.

And a kid's eating sheet cake at :
in the morning.

- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Let's go get a sheet cake?

High five!

Hey, Daphne.

What do you want, Vermin?

Just to offer my
sincerest condolences

for the loss of your more popular friends
that you picked over me.

Stop! I know you think I'm a huge bitch
who ditched you to be cool.

What? That's so not true.

Fine. [sighs]

I need a favor.

I need you to get me
my mom's cold case file.

Why would I do that?

We're not friends anymore.

- We're nemesises...
- Nemeses.

- That's why.
- Okay.

Well, I was hoping you'd get it for me
for old time's sake.

I see.

Well, for old time's sake,
I'll give you the file...

- Really?
- For $ .

Five hundred dollars?
That's like, a million dollars.

Well, like you said,
I'm a huge bitch.

I was being sarcastic.

You can't read tone
in graffiti.

Five hundred dollars
or nothing.

Ugh.

Now, first, thank you
for taking my case.

We could not be happier
you're on the team, Velma's dad.

[clears throat]

Sorry, what we meant
to say is that you are our last choice.

And if you blow this,
my family will bring

the full weight of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories

and Jones Gentlemen's
Accessories for Women

down on your head!

Okay, uh, well, the case
won't be easy.

Of course it will.
I'm innocent.

The only reason people think
I removed those girls' brains

is because I
"basically confessed"

and have
"well documented anger issues".

I mean, does that even mean?

Hey! Am I on a hunger strike?

Where the hell are my pancakes?

[sighs]

Uh, are you trying to
choke me to death?

You forgot cutties.

You're embarrassing
ourself, Frederick.

It's bad enough
you still eat pancakes

and drink non alcoholic
beverages like a baby!

Yes, Father.
Sorry... Sorry, Father.

- [groans]
- Our apologies, Aman.

Freddie is due in court this afternoon,
and the case has everyone out of sorts.

No, this childishness
is actually perfect.

See, I feel the only way
to prove Fred's innocence

is to play up the fact
that he's a late bloomer.

[gasps]

I mean, the world sees Fred Jones,
teen sociopath.

So instead, let's show them Fred Jones,
innocent little boy.

It can't miss, right?

Please say it can't miss.

My girlfriend just bought
a $ , stroller.

- It hovers.
- William,

our son cannot go to prison.

He can barely survive
on the outside as is.

[choking]

Victoria, admitting he's a little boy
is worse than any crime.

It's embarrassing.

He is the future CEO of
Jones Gentlemen's Accessories!

- Is he, though?
- [Fred grunting]

[Fred sighs]

[sighs]

Well, try it your way.

Great. I just hope people
can actually think I'm a little kid.

Ah, crap. I'm all syrupy.

Bathies!

So, Velma,

what brings you to Casa Del Norville Rogers,
Blythe Rogers

and me, his father,
Lamont Rogers?

Here for a Rogering,
as we might say?

Oh, I was just in
the neighborhood.

No ulterior motive whatsoever.

Hey, that's a nice vase.

Is that worth $ ?

Oh, hey, look who's busy
not finding my missing mother.

Actually, Daphne's moms
are here

because they think we have
a Candy Man problem at school.

And as the principal,
I've asked them to go undercover

as high school students
to find them.

And that's the - - ,
home skillet.

Words.

Candy Man?

I think you mean
Sugar Daddy?

And Sarah's .

Her parents are cool with it.

A Candy Man's a drug dealer,
V-Dawg.

I knew that.

So is Norville in his room?

What's going on, guys.

So today on Norville Snacks,
our World Tour

continues East,
as we say ni hao

- to Beijing style shrimp chips.
- [door slams]

- Norville!
- Velma! Not while I'm live.

I can't get banned for your thoughts
on South Asian desserts again.

I'm so sorry,
but this is important.

Daphne wants $ for the file,

and all my money is tied up
in streaming services.

Velma, I don't have it.

My mom's birthday is coming up,
and this year she just wants cash.

Otherwise, you know
I'd give it to you.

[sighs] I know, it's okay.

Like the dessert course
at an Indian restaurant just forget it.

Wait in teen movies,

whenever a girl
needs money,

a guy sells something

and then blackmails
the girl into dating him for it.

Problematic, but effective.
And hilarious!

So it was not easy,

but I got your $ .

I assume I-O-U's are okay?

It's $ , Velma.

But if you don't have it,
there might be a way you can earn it.

I was thinking you could
come work for me.

Doing what?
And is the office culture cool?

Like, are there snacks?

[whispering indistinctly]

[gasping]

You're the Candy Man?

[Velma grunts]

Candy Woman.

And I have
your sugar right here.

Daphne, why would you
deal dr*gs?

You're beautiful and popular.

Being a bad girl too
just muddles your brand.

This doesn't make me
a bad girl.

According to TV,
it's morally okay to deal dr*gs

if your life is just
kind of crappy.

Like your kid's sick,
you're a widow with a mortgage.

You have to live on a lake
in Missouri.

Those are all
white people, Daphne.

Minorities on TV can only deal dr*gs
to escape poverty.

[gasps] Wait, that's it.

This is about you trying to run
with your fancy rich crowd.

Yup, that must be it.

Because the brilliant Velma Dinkley knows
everything about everyone,

and isn't afraid to say it.

Exactly. I spit truth
without a filter,

like every comedian
before hashtag "MeToo".

Look, are you in
or are you out?

Oh, I'm out.

Because if you
don't give me that file,

I'll tell your
police officer moms

their perfect daughter is...
[grunts]

[quietly] You. Wouldn't. Dare.

Yeah, no, it was a dumb idea.

So what are we selling?

Oh, just the usual.
Zoinks, Jeepers, Mystery Machine,

and of course,
guh-guh-guh-guh-ganja.

[Norville] Only $ ?

But I need $
to get a girl to date me.

Hilarious. But no.

Huh.

Psst. You want to
make some real money?

I don't have time to flip houses,
but I'll hear you out.

Nice roller bag.

You selling bibles later?

Nice outfit. You driving a big rig
to Bakersfield later.

No, dummy.
This is a disguise.

Because what we're doing
is illegal.

Oh, sorry we can't all make
it rain cool shades, El Chapo.

You know what?
Let's just do this.

Don't you want any tips
on selling?

Mmm, I think I got it.

dr*gs are like cr*ck
to these people.

Now most cultures of the world as a rule,
wouldn't mix kiwi and whitefish.


But they don't play
by the rules in North Korea.


dr*gs here!

Get your dr*gs here!

[coughing] Narc, narc.

[coughing] White girl with too much money
white girl with too much money.

You don't know me.
I'm a white girl who's bored.

Let's roll.

Yeah. Go. I don't care.

Enjoy your slow descent
into organic farming, losers.

Look, I know you're a genius...

- Thank you.
- Who thinks she has everyone pegged.

- Only because I do.
- But you might have more success with this

if you went in
just a little less judgy.

Wait, I'm judgy?

You would say
something like that.

You want your mom's
cold case file, right?

Yes. Fine.

I'll try. I'll try.

If you want to
get swole, try Zoinks!

You'll be bouncing them
big old man boobs

faster than you can say,
"Who is this for?"

Yeah, we like the
sound of that.

What'll it cost?

Not much.
Just your dad's love

when you blow out your knee
and lose your scholarship.

[sighs]

I was being helpful.

The sooner he can focus on getting
his real estate license, the better.

Jeepers raises
your dopamine levels,

so it will definitely
help you memorize your lines.

- Huzzah!
- [others] Huzzah!

[dryly] Huzzah!

Yeah. I'm sorry, Velma.

I could feel you forcing that.

Yeah. You know
what else feels forced?

Your belief that you're the only one
sleeping with the lead.

[sobbing]

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Sorry.

[scoffs] Okay. You're fired.

What? Why?

Uh, will I sell you a kidney,

to get the $
I need to make Velma date me?

I mean, I'd be a fool
not to at this point, right?

[crowd] Justice for
Brenda and Krista!

It's a mob scene here
as Fred Jones arrives

for his day in court.

Aman, over here.

Aman! How could you risk your career
and entire livelihood

on the most
unlikeable defendant

since that chimpanzee
who ate a woman's face?

Because what you see as risk,

I see as mere... child's play.

Hewo fwends! My name is Fwed!

What's yours?

[all] Aw!

Wow, I think I speak for the entire journalistic
community when I say,

"Don't I feel like an assh*le!"

No way this scrumptious muffin
removed those girls' brains!

T'anks, news lady!

[thunder rumbling]

[crowd gasping]

Stop! No pictures!

Unless it's in portrait mode!

Oh, God,

he looks like h*tler!

And not just because we compare
everyone to h*tler these days.

Ugh, come on!

[bell ringing]

You couldn't keep your opinions
to yourself, could you?

I literally
had to take five Jeepers

not to strangle you... Whoa!

Oh, sorry, I can't just conjure up
a whole new personality

whenever I want
like some sort of sexy witch.

Is that really
what you think of me?

Hey, girlies!

[snaps fingers]

Okay, since you know so much,

why am I selling dr*gs?

Um, easy.

You're looking to rebel against
your overprotective parents

but don't have
the balls to get pregnant.

Wrong!

I'm saving money
to hire a private investigator

to find my biological family.

Yeah. Unexpected twist.

Holy crap. Really?

Looking for
your family is a big deal.

Yeah, it's just

you know how
different I am from my moms.

I need to
find out who I really am.

Where do I come from?

And how is my hair
the color of buffalo wings?

I just always figured your parents
were Wilma Flintstone

- and Daniel Dae Kim.
- [laughs]

Freeze, person in baseball hat,

putting dr*gs
in my daughter's locker

and other Oompa Loompa person!

- We know you're the candymen!
- Linda!

You're a cop
and not a teenager?

But I love you!

What do we do?
I can't go to jail.

- Run!
- You know I can't.

I'd prefer jail.

- [electricity crackling]
- [both groaning]

♪ Imma keep it movin' ♪

[both panting]

♪ Coming with a game change ♪

♪ Imma flip it my way ♪

♪ Move to the rhythm like ♪

♪ I just caught a heat wave ♪

[Daphne] I'm trapped!

- [screams]
- [thuds]

Oh, God!

♪ Imma get to work ♪

[both screaming]

♪ Watch how I do it yeah ♪

♪ I keep it movin' yeah ♪

♪ Imma Imma keep it movin' ♪

[groans]

- Oh, God, Daphne, no!
- [laughing]

♪ I keep it movin' yeah ♪

♪ Watch the way
I keep it movin' ♪


[siren wailing]

[screaming]

♪ I'mma keep movin' ♪

[both gasp]

[tires screeching]

[both] Aw.

Baby want sheet cake?

- [banging on door]
- Hey, hurry up in there!

Give me the money!

You wish, guy from that "wanted" poster
all over town,

[grunting]

- All right. Don't make me come in the bathroom.
- [gasps]

I'm a thief, not a perve.

- [g*n cocking]
- Argh!

Nothing can stop me

from buying Velma's love!

Oh, that might.

- [g*n cocking]
- [woman] Hey!

It is Norville
from Norville Snacks.

Like, let him go, man.

Wait, you stoners
watch Norville Snacks?

Damn it! This is exactly what happened
to my vlog about Lil Wayne.

God, where is that candyman?

I mean candyperson.
It could be anybody.

Even though we both
definitely know it's a man.

[cell phone chimes]

"I'm home and want to adopt a sick cat.
Where are you?"

- [gasps]
- [tires screeching]

[Linda] A cat needs our love!

[Donna] Out of our way!

[screaming]

Whoa, that totally
worked, Velma.

[groans] A lotta help.

- [sighs]
- [grunts]

Oh, sorry. I was just wiping some garbage
slime off your cheek.

Oh. Yeah, me too. Slime.

Okay. Well, thankfully,
your moms are still hella bad detectives.

[laughs] Yeah,

they still think I spent $
on a math tutor named Coachella.

[laughs]

Wait. Am I enjoying
hanging out with you again?

Or is it the high
of moderate exercise?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not
the shallow monster you think I've become.

Maybe you
judge people so harshly

because it's easier
to feel right from afar

than risk getting close
and being wrong.

Okay, Easy, Dr. Phil.

I'm the brains
of this operation.

You're just the look,
style and effortless charm.

We do make
a good team, don't we?

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs] Well,

speaking of teams,
someone's looking to score.

and if you
want your mom's file,

you're going
to sell to them my way.

[gulps]

That's him.
The guy in the beanie.

It's always
the guy in the beanie.

A beanie? It's degrees out!

And I'm not supposed to assume

- he's hiding a bald spot?
- No! Less assuming!

More criminal behavior.

Go!

dr*gs here.

Get your fresh
hot dr*gs here.

Hey, do you have
anything that can

make me feel better about
having ruined my life?

Wait, Dad?

Velma?

[gasps]

Why were you
selling dr*gs?

To make money, genius.

The real question is,

why were you
wearing a beanie?

Those are only
for television actors

who want you to know that their roots
are still in theater.

Wait, you don't care
that I was buying dr*gs?

That makes sense.

You gambled our future
on Fred Jones' innocence

and now dr*gs
are the only escape.

But what do you possibly need
drug dealing money for?

I already buy you all the inhalers
you could ever want.

[sighs] Oh, fine.

Daphne will give me Mom's
cold case file for $ .

[sighs]

Okay, look, I'll give you
the $ for her file

if you help me
prove Fred's innocent.

What? Are you crazy?

Finding Fred innocent
would require me

to admit I'd incorrectly
pre-judged someone.

Wait.

Yeah. No, I was right.

Homeslice is like
Robert Durst level guilty.

Okay. But instead of just
staring at the evidence

and swearing very loudly,

do you maybe want
to ask me some questions?

Yeah, I do.
Why frame me?

Yeah, exactly.
Why would I do that?

Before you just
started talking,

I thought you were
our housekeeper.

Oh, my God,
could that be colder?

You know what?
Now I'm in a snit.

Let's regroup
after lunch. [claps]

Cutties.

Holy crap.
You are innocent.

He is?

Okay, here's
your $ reward.

Good luck using it to coerce Velma
into dating you.

Keep it. The stoners
caught him, not me.

If I want Velma
to like me now,

I'm just gonna have to do it
the old-fashioned way.

Bet a friend
I can make her fancy.

Ha! That's how
we got together.

[Aman] Okay.
For my next witness,

I would like to call
the woman who caught Fred

my own daughter,
Velma Dinkley.

[crowd murmuring]

Velma, do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?

So help me,
Shonda Rhimes, I do.

Now, Velma, how long have you
known the defendant?

We met at lunch
in the eighth grade

when he confused me
for a beanbag chair.

[chuckles] Classic.

And what did you
think of my client?

Honestly, that
he was super hot.

[crowd murmuring]

But also that he was
just another entitled rich guy

who might k*ll someone
because he has a tiny dong.

[all clapping]

[sighs] Unfortunately,
I was wrong about Fred.

The way it's possible

I might have been wrong
about other people.


[gasps]

Weird. It feels like
she's looking right at me.

Why would Velma want
to send me a message, Daphne?

Fred Jones did not k*ll
those two girls.

[crowd gasping]

His whole life, Fred has
never had to lift a finger

to do anything.
He's been so pampered,

his body hasn't even felt the need
to fully mature. [chuckles] I mean,

Fred literally
can't feed himself.

[crowd laughs]

Uh, that's not true.

No, you... You just cut the food
and put it on the...

W... What's the dumb thing
called? A dinglehopper!

Great. Show us.

[grunts]

[crowd laughing]

[stammers] Cutties.
Mother, cutties.

Oh, my God,
he is just like a little boy.

Exactly.

So tell me this.

How could someone
who can't even cut a steak

remove two girls' brains?

He couldn't!
Clearly Fred's innocent.

But at what cost
to his reputation

and that of his
family's business?

[crowd laughs]

That lump has made
a mockery of us!

Be nice. Our son is free.

I'd say that lump
did quite well.

Uh-oh.

That's not true.

I'm a big boy.

A big boy who could
have removed those dumb girls' brains,

no problem
if I wanted to!

- [crowd gasps]
- Hear, hear!

Guilty.

Based on what?

Hmm.

Wow. Blonde-haired people
have bad days, too.

[sighs] Oh, my God,
what have I done?

I'm ruined.

They wouldn't even
let me represent

a gymnastics coach now.

[doorbell rings]

[Velma] Daphne?

What are you doing here?

[gasps] Wait. Did you realize I stole
all your Zoinks?

- Please don't k*ll me.
- No, you're good.

I mean, return it
or I'll hurt you very badly,

but I saw you on TV
and brought you this.

[gasps] My mom's
cold case file! Thank you!

Wait, do you not have
potentially fatal hallucinations

when you try to solve
mysteries anymore?

You remember that?

You had one of your
first ones at my house

back before...

Well, your fear pee stain
is still on my rug.

Well, I think I'm fine.

Norville helped me
get over them

in the last episode
of my hallucinations.

- [screams]
- Velma!

Are you hallucinating?
I'll put down newspaper.

No, it's a clue.

The last place my mom's
cell phone pinged

the night she went missing
was at Fred's house.

Damn it! I knew
that jerk was guilty.

[chuckles] Too bad
you'll never know for sure.

Ahhh! I was wrong again!
I'm hallucinating! Help!

No one can help
you now, Velma.

Solving mysteries
only causes pain.

[Daphne] Velma.
What do I do? Velma!

Try to make me laugh.

Okay, I, uh, oh,
I don't know any jokes

but my moms love my
impression of my Aunt Cindy.

[mimicking] I am sad
my husband d*ed.

Anything?

No. Try something else.
Anything. Quick!

[laughing]

Oh God, my heart!

What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?

[both moaning]

Did that work?

Yeah.

[both moan]

Great. Now even just
being myself won't work.

Romcoms can kiss my ass.

[theme music playing]

My name's Fred.
Who are you?

They call me The Thief.

What are you in for?

Thieving. But I'm innocent.

Aren't we all?

Ooh! Bunk beds!

Hoisties!

[theme music playing]
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