01x01 - That '90s Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "That '90s Show". Aired: January 19, 2023 - present.*
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In the summer of 1995, Leia makes friends with a new generation of Point Place kids while visiting her grandparents.
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01x01 - That '90s Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

[rock music playing]

[rock drumbeat playing]

- ["Groove is in the Heart" intro plays]

- We're going to sing and have some fun

["Groove is in the Heart"

by Deee-Lite playing]

Groove is in the heart ♪

Grooving in the heart ♪

You smell good.

Oh, it is the Hellmann's.

[car door shuts]

Was that a car door?

- [music stops]

- [car door shuts]

That was a car door. I got it. I got it!

I got it! I got it!

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Oh my God. Mom, I didn't even knock.

[chuckles]

[Kitty coos]

Mom.

Mom, you're motorboating me.

Dad.

Son.

Hug?

[both] Nah.

Hey, Grandma. Hey, Grandpa.

Leia. My grandbaby.

Hey, kiddo.

Boy, you sure have gotten tall.

Oh, and congratulations.

Those buds are blooming.

Yours look good too?

Why, I bet you're a holy terror

on the basketball court.

I hear you got your mom's jump sh*t

and your dad's

last name.

- I'm gonna take a bathroom break.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Just be careful with the faucets.

The water comes out, like, scalding hot.

It's a normal temperature, Eric.

You've just got that sensitive baby skin.

You know,

I am so excited

about this Fourth of July weekend.

We are gonna grill weenies,

watch the fireworks

I even rented The Little Mermaid.

Oh. Thanks, Mom,

but she's not really into that anymore.

Our little mermaid got her period.

- [Kitty gasps]

- God, Eric!

[thudding]

Don't worry, honey. I got it.

[rock music playing]

[young woman] Hello, Wisconsin!

Who wants a warm snickerdoodle?



I do. It's a little weird

that you're smelling my hair, Mom.

I haven't seen you since Christmas,

so I will smell you however I want,

and you're fine with it.

So, Donna, Eric sent us

the review of your new book.

We read it.

Oh, you read my book?



No, the review.

Thanks, Mrs. F.

Aww

- I wish you'd call me Mom, you know?



- I know.

Okay.

Someday.

This weekend.

So, Eric, how are things

at the university?



Going great. I'm an adjunct professor now,

which means I got

a permanent parking space

for my bicycle.

That's what happens

when your course is super popular, Dad.

"The Religion of Star Wars"?



Oh yeah.

This country's gonna lose the next w*r.

Not if it's an intergalactic battle

between good and evil.

Hey, I'm gonna go sh**t some hoops.

Hey, Leia, tell your grandparents

what we're doing this summer.

Oh, we're going to

We're going to Huntsville, Alabama,

for a little father-daughter Space Camp.

Just the two of us for two weeks.

[imitates radio static]

Houston, permission to have fun, over.

[imitates static]

Houston, do you read me, over?



- [imitates static] Permission granted.

- [laughs] Yeah!

But you you didn't say "over."

- Mom?



- Okay, Leia, go sh**t some baskets.

I don't need you

to see your dad get any nerdier.

Space Camp.

Do you get to put on

a Buck Rogers costume?



Nah. Only if you buy

the Command Module experience.

[whispers] Which I did!

Leia doesn't seem like she wants to go.

I think she might be

at that age where she needs space.

I'm giving her space camp.

- Space Camp.

- Eric's having a hard time with Leia.

It's a tough age 38.

Okay. Okay.

All I know is that I'm going to love her

and stand behind her, no matter what.

That is a great idea.

Because when you stand

behind your kids, it's easier

[all] To put your foot in their ass.

We got it, Dad. Thanks.

[hip-hop b*at playing]

[young woman] And I'm here ♪

To remind you ♪

Of the mess you left

When you went away ♪

It's not fair ♪

To deny me ♪

Of the cross I bear

That you gave to me ♪

You, you, you oughta know! ♪

Hello.

What are you doing, creeper?



Oh, nothing weird! [laughs]

I was just standing outside your window

and watching you sing

and wondering

what it would be like to be you.

I'll go now. [gasps]

Unless you want to hear

a cool bootleg I got in Chicago.

Oh, I'm listening.

Yeah, it's, uh, pretty major.

Big-time bootleg.

The bootiest of legs.

Just go get it.

On it.

Please be here when I get back.

["Sad Tomorrow" by The Muffs playing]

So this was your mom's old room,

and your dad lived next door?



I bet they boned in here all the time.

Explains a lot.

Sometimes,

late at night,

when everything's quiet,

I can still hear the

[imitates mattress creaking]

Sorry. I love making people

feel uncomfortable.

You're really good at it. [scoffs]

Anyway, tell me about Chicago.

What are you into?



Me?

Uh, a lot of stuff.

School.

School's a big one.

And I'm a pretty big deal in Debate Club.

That's not up for debate. [chuckles]

Yeah, I'm not popular.

Good.

Popular people suck.

Yeah, they really do.

Ooh, this part's dope.

[volume increases]

Damn it, Gwen!

Turn that crap down. I'm trying to shave.

Older brother. Different dads. He's cool.

Mostly 'cause he has a van,

and he's fun to mess with.

- Watch this.

- [volume increases]

Seriously, Gwen. I almost nicked my nerps.

This whiny vag*na music is bumming me out!

- [music stops]

- Oh yeah, Nate?



Me and my new friend are gonna

start a band and call it Whiny vag*na.

I'm gonna start a band

and call it That's Stupid.

Nice.

[music resumes loudly]

[Nate] Damn it, Gwen!

I love having the house full again.

It just It fills me with joy.

And then you leave, and it's sad.

And then winter comes.

And I visit Mom's grave.

And I tell her how much fun it was

when the house was full.

- So can I have the syrup now?



- Oh, of course.

Morning. Bye.

Whoa. What the hell is that thing

in your nose?



Uh, a nose ring?



Your move, baby skin.

- How did this happen?



- Gwen gave it to me.

Oh! Okay, it was Gwen.

Cool. I didn't know it was Gwen.

Question before you leave.

Who is Gwen, and why is she

poking holes in your perfect face?



She lives next door,

which is where I'm going right now.

- Are her parents home?



- No, but her older brother is.

Honey, you're really

not helping your case.

Dad, I'll be 20 feet away.

Okay, you can go, but you have to be

home in time for fireworks.

- Okay?



- I'll try.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

As Master Yoda said

- Why?



- [Red grumbles]

As Master Yoda said,

"Do or do not. There is no try."

Master Yoda was a puppet from a fake

world with some guy's hand up his butt.

Now you're just being hurtful.

Ah, teenagers!

I feel for you, son.

But, on the other hand,

payback's a bitch.

[rock music playing]

Uno.

I think you're only allowed

to drop one card.

Excuse me?



Cool basement.

It's a dump.

No offense.

Ozzie and I met last year in detention.

Tell her what you did.

I told my math teacher

his wife was cheating on him.

She was making out with some dude at IHOP.

- That's horrible.

- [Ozzie] I know.

IHOP.

Show some class.

[running footsteps]

You're not gonna believe what happened.

It's the best thing ever!

That's what you said

when the McRib came back.

I thought it was gone forever, Nik.

Aww! You were scared?



Oh, babe.

Hey, new girl.

Hey, boy. [chuckles]

Man?



I don't know how

the whole puberty thing is going for you.

Probably great. [chuckles]

Leia, this is Jay.

Please place all your zippers and buttons

in their upright and locked positions.

Hey, not cool, Gwen. I'm just doing

a little get-to-know-you chitchat.

So,

are you spiritual?



I am.

You're making a face.

But that would have worked on me.

Can I tell my awesome story now?



So we were just chilling in my van.

- Why does he always get to sit in front?



- I called shotgun.

- But I'm your girlfriend.

- Yeah, but he's my best friend.

- Bro.

- Bro.

Bro.

Bro.

Oh my God. I turned down a senior for you.

I'm sorry, babe,

but you're both important to me.

But Jay's had my back

for the past 12 years,

and you've had my front

for the last six months. I can't choose.

Hey. Are you here to pick up the keg

from Mama's Discount Liquors?



- Yes.

- Yes.

And you prepaid, right?



- Yes.

- Yes.

Sweet.

Happy Fourth.

- Bro!

- Bro!

- Bro.

- Bro.

- Bro. Bro!

- Bro. Bro!

- Bro!

- Bro.

- Bro.

- Bro.

They were like this the whole ride.

Come on, babe.

It's a Fourth of July miracle.

With beer!

Why are we still talking?



Let's tap that keg and get stupid!

- Yeah.

- Oh no.

We don't have a tap.

And, without a tap,

the beer is is trapped.

- Would a kiss make it better?



- Not unless you have a mouth full of beer.

- Do you?



- No, I don't.

[rock music playing]

This feels weird.

Very different.

Well, I'm having fun.

Why is it so smoky?



Oh God, the popcorn!

Enjoying yourselves, kids?



You're upstairs people now.

I knew it would happen.

Just not this soon.

Quit worrying, Eric. Leia will be fine.

So now you can tell the future?



Where were you when I bought

those slippery brown shoes?



I couldn't get up the ramp at the airport.

[Donna] Okay, Eric.

No more Zima for you.

Yeah, you're right. I'm I'm flying.

I saved most of it.

Ah. Thanks, Mom.

"Mom."

You see how easy it is, Donna?



Can't you just say it?



Nah. Feels forced.

Come on, Mom, just drop it.

Nah.

Feels forced.

[rock music playing]

Kids versus beer.

It's a tale as old as time.

It happened to our parents

and our parents' parents.

The kids on the Mayflower.

Ozzie. You're k*lling me, man.

I'm trying to think here.

I know. I can smell it.

Wait, why can't we just

go back to Mama's and get a tap?



We've all tried to buy from her,

but she's tough.

I mean, I even hit her with the,

"Hey, girl."

Nothing.

- What if we get a laser?



- We're not getting a laser.

Well, I guess that's it.

We tried everything.

You said one idea, and it was stupid.

You're stupid!

You're all stupid!

You hate beer and you hate America.

- Baby?



- Yeah?



Are you feeling frustrated?



Yeah.

- Is this why you're lashing out at others?



- Yeah.

How about tomorrow we go into the woods,

and I watch you do karate on a tree?



- I'd really like that.

- Oh.

Are you dill weeds finished?



Leia, you should buy the tap.

Mama doesn't know you.

Oh yeah. You totally could.

Plus, your eyes are crazy pretty,

which won't really help get the tap,

but it's something I noticed.

- Hey, girl.

- [scoffs]

Leia, it would be so badass.

I guess I have done

some pretty crazy things.

One time at the beach,

a seagull stole my sandwich,

and, under my breath,

I called her "bitch."

You know what?

I'm in.

All right. New girl is sick.

- To the van!

- Pause.

This isn't gonna work.

I'm pretty sure OshKosh B'gosh here

is gonna get carded.

Good point.

I have an idea.

You sure you want to be drinking

in your condition, hon?



Oh, it's [nervous chuckle]

It's for my husband.

He He got a keg for the baby shower.

Oh, fancy.

[register beeping]

- That'll be $39.50.

- Okay.

I'm no lady doctor, but I think

something's wrong with the baby.

Nice try.

I'm sick of you kids.

I'm calling the cops.

Put the phone down, Mama.

Shut up.

Fine, but when the cops get here,

how are you gonna explain to them

why you gave a keg to a bunch of kids?



It wasn't me. It was Wade.

Mama!

Either way, you lose your liquor license.

So put the phone down, sell me the tap,

and we all have a nice Fourth of July.

What are you, some sort of lawyer?



Debate Club.

First place, junior regionals.

It was over before it started.

[gasps]

[rock music playing]

To Leia, the Mama slayer!

[all] To Leia!

And to Mrs. Zapolski. [chuckles]

My Debate Club coach,

for pushing me so damn hard.

[all] To Mrs. Zapolski!

Wow. Look, Nik, a sh**ting star.

Make a wish.

That's a firework, babe.

[fireworks whistling and popping]

Man, you were such a badass tonight.

I didn't know you had it in you.

Neither did I, but I love this feeling.

I feel free and happy.

Wish I could stay for the summer.

Then stay.

[snickers] My dad will never let me.

When my parents split up,

the school shrink basically told me

that everything was gonna suck forever,

and I was like, "Nope. Not this girl."

So I went home, bleached my hair

over the washing machine,

cut up my jeans

and decided that this is my life,

and it's never gonna suck.

This is gonna sound so dorky,

but I'm interested in

us becoming best friends,

so how do we make that happen?



Stay for the summer.

And you can drop the dorky disclaimer.

It's implied.

[chuckles]

Oh great.

Now she's missed the fireworks

and the weenies.

Now they're sitting on a plate

all cold and shriveled just like my heart.

Oh, Eric.

The hair thing,

it's still a little weird, Mom.

Know what the worst part is?



I should be treasuring time with Leia.

Instead, I mean,

I can't wait for it to end.

Oh, sweetie.

It ends when you die.

Leia Tatooine Forman.

- Her middle name is Anne.

- Know what?

I never agreed to that.

Where have you been?



Oh my God. Is that beer?



Yeah. And I spilled the rest

coming down the water tower.

The water tower?

What the hell?



Eric, let me handle this.

The water tower?

What the hell?



Now, this is my kind of fireworks.

Yes, the water tower.

And I had a great time

and I don't want it to end.

So I know you're not

gonna like me saying this,

but I want to stay in Point Place

for the summer.

This is my life,

and I'm done letting it suck.

- Leia.

- Yeah, go.

Just unload, baby. Both barrels. Go.

- That took courage. I'm impressed.

- What?

!

Th-This is a ridiculous idea.

- Leia.

- Mom, just go, preach.

You are welcome to stay here

if that's what you want.

Oh my God! What's happening?



Kitty.

I guess that's what we want.

Dad, you guys always talk about

the amazing times

you had with your friends.

I want that. I want amazing.

Listen, pal. In the space of one day,

you've gotten pierced, you've gotten beer,

and you've gotten

extremely snippy.

You've turned into someone

that I don't know anymore.

So no. You know what?

You can forget it.

I knew you were gonna be like this.

I'm not getting in that car tomorrow!

You can't make me!

Oh, you're getting in that car

or my foot is getting in your ass!

- Oh, Eric.

- So bad.

I have never been prouder.

It's like watching you hit

your first home run.

If you had ever done that.

[soft guitar music playing]

[crickets chirping]

You okay?



I can't believe it.

I study Star Wars my entire life,

and in my moment of truth,

I turn into my evil father.

I've thought about it.

Leia staying isn't the craziest idea.

Your parents can watch her.

Were you not here with me in the '70s?



They are not the best watchers.

She's a great kid.

Yeah, I know.

We can trust her.

I know.

So what, then?



I just

I mean, I can't stand this feeling.

She doesn't need me anymore.

I mean, she was my little buddy,

and now she's like

a stranger.

She's not a stranger.

She's just growing up.

I don't like it.

What?

But you're so good

at hiding your emotions.

[both chuckle]

Eric, it's gonna be okay.

We have our whole lives

because your parents

gave us the space to find each other.

Really?



You lived 20 feet away. I'm pretty sure

we would have found each other.

[soft guitar music playing]

Hey.

What?



- Oh, what happened to the nose ring?



- It was a magnet.

I sneezed and it went down the drain.

Ah.

Well, I'm I'm heartbroken.

Back when I was your age,

my friends and I pretty much

lived down in this basement.

We'd k*ll time, listen to music,

do other things.

Sitting on those stairs right there

when I fell in love with your mom.

Oh God. Did you do it on those stairs too?



No.

No.

Look, I've been thinking about it, and

You should stay for the summer.

- Are you for real?



- Yeah.

If anyone deserves some amazing,

it's you.

Oh my God, Dad. Thank you.

Sorry I was kind of a jerk.

Well, you were

surprisingly good at it. [chuckles]

But, you know, you're

You're good at everything.

I'll miss you, pal.

I love you so much, okay?



[sighs softly]

Are you smelling my hair?



No.

'Cause that would be weird.

[sniffs] Okay.

[soft rock music playing]

So just remember

our phone number hasn't changed, okay?



Don't worry, honey. I got it.

Again.

Okay, babe.

My baby boy.

Oh, uh Mom.

Shh!

I'm listening to your heartbeat.

Look. Okay.

[Donna coos]

Love you, Le-Le.

Bye, Mom.

Don't worry. We're gonna have fun.

You ever cleaned an oven?



Good luck.

And one more thing, Leia.

This one's really important.

With your new friends, I want you

to hang out in Grandpa's basement

as much as possible.

No. Uh-uh. No way.

It is the safest place for her.

That's right, Mom. That's so right.

Nicely played, son.

I learned from the best.

Nobody likes an ass-kisser.

I love you too, Dad.

Bye, Mom.

She said "Mom."

I win.

That's why you don't mess with a pro.

[rock music playing]

Well, I have to make a shopping list.

The kids are gonna want snacks.

Don't feed them, Kitty.

That's how it started the first time.

Hey. Me and my friends

are going up to the lake.

[Red] Hold on.

- Who are you?



- I'm Jay.

- Jay Kelso.

- No!

Uh-uh!

No way!

Buuuurn!

Ahh!

See you met my boy here, huh?



Look at this guy. Look at him.

Look, he's got his dad's looks

and his mom's brains.

Straight A's last year.

Sweet Lord, it's evolving.

[Kelso chuckles]

Hey, you kids. You have fun now, okay?



Oh, and if you jump off that cliff,

do it naked.

Okay?

'Cause when you hit the water

at the right angle,

it's like doing it with a lake.

Hello, Michael.

Hey, girl.

[Kitty giggles]

Beautiful! [yells, laughs]

[Kitty laughs]

- Well, that felt toned and warm.

- [Kelso] Oh.

So, Red,

we need to talk about your granddaughter's

intentions with my boy.

No, I'm just kidding ya.

Come on. Let's hug it out.

What do you think?



Michael, let's go!

Hi, Kitty.

Damn, Jackie, will you just

give me a minute to enjoy this?



Oh my God.

The vein on Red's forehead

is about to explode.

Gross! I don't want old guy blood

all over my wedding outfit.

You're getting married?



Remarried.

- Yeah, it's our second remarriage.

- Mm-hmm.

- This one's gonna stick, right?



- Yeah.

Jackie.

White, honey?



Really?



It's before Labor Day.

And, if people think it's our first time,

we'll get better gifts.

Oh! FYI, we're registered

at Bloomingdale's,

and I will judge.

- Let's go, Michael!

- Oh God!

[Kitty exclaims, giggles]

[chuckles]

Well, let's just make the best of it.

I am heading to the market

'cause I'm going to get Fritos,

Tostitos, Doritos. All the "itos."

I am back, baby!

Son of a bitch.

[rock music playing]

Okay, kids, the basement is all yours.

Lights on, shirts on, and no dancing.

[Leia laughs]

No dancing.

You're like the guy from Footloose.

No dancing, you guys.

Babe, you can fit three of your basements

in this basement.

That sounds like a lot of work, Nik.

Let's just use this basement.

Don't you love all this old furniture?



Yeah, all we need are some throw pillows

and a tetanus sh*t.

Mrs. Forman, your home is so warm

and inviting.

I mean, I can't wait to spend

all summer inside of it. [chuckles]

What is wrong with you?



Anyway Okay.

Now, if you kids get bored, I found

some old records and games of your dad's,

and a few magazines

that I don't think he wanted me to see,

but I got rid of them.

They were all redheads.

[scoffs] He sure has a type!

Anyhoo, you guys have fun.

Whoa, this must be from a Nintendo Zero.

No way.

Your grandma just hooked us up.

- No way.

- Hell yeah.

Totally.

[laughs]

What is it?



Best summer ever!

[all laughing]

Sign me up!

But seriously, what is it?



[rock music playing]

One, two, three, four!

It's the summer. Let's have fun.

We should do whatever we want. Right?



Wrong.

- [Leia] You know what I want?



- Don't say Jay.

Jay.

- You are banned from this house. Get out.

- No!

Donna, it's Kitty!

Your daughter is about to have sex!

Where is she?



Wait, so Dad wasn't as smooth

as he says he was?



Let's just say you're lucky you exist.

Hey, which one of you yelled at my kids?



I don't know which ones are yours,

but they deserved it.

That's Gwen and Nate, and thanks.

I was pregnant with him for ten months.

The doctor said it was okay,

but I don't think it was.

I think you might be having

a reaction to one of my Lip Smackers.

Really?

- I want to come out to your grandmother.

- I have an interview tomorrow.

- [Nikki] Do you have any references?

- Oh, my bosses all loved me.

But they are dead.

[rock music continues]

[Ozzie] I'm gaaaay!

I said, good day.

[all cheering]

[rock music playing]
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