01x05 - Step by Step

[bunniefuu]

[rock guitar riff playing]

This is so exciting.

Oh! Our first computer.

I feel like Captain Kirk.

Oh.

And, Ozzie, you are a doll

for helping us set it up.

I don't understand why we need that thing.

It is the future, Red.

One of us has to stay hip

and current with the times.

Oh, look.

It comes with a little foot pedal

like my sewing machine.

No, that's the mouse.

Oh.

What does a mouse do?

It craps in your attic.

Lighten up, Red.

America is going online.

Let's do our part.

Now we can read about

current events, sports, politics.

I do that already.

It's called a newspaper.

And you know what I love about this?



No wires connected to the government.

Is this thing connected to the government?



Yes, the president can see you right now.

I know you're kidding.

But just in case you're not

Hi, Bill. Loved you on Arsenio.

[funky rock music playing]

Nate, why would you want a used hot tub?



It's gonna be contaminated

with other people's juices.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Until we contaminate it with our juices.

That's so romantic.

It's free, Nik.

The only other free thing is a goat.

I love you, but I am not sharing a goat.

What happens if we break up?



Who gets the goat?



As someone whose parents split up,

you don't wanna force the goat to choose.

Nate, go get your disgusting

used hot tub tomorrow.

We have an appointment

to get our pictures done at Glamour sh*ts.

Oh, it's cool.

We can rebook Glamour sh*ts

for when my mustache comes in.

Oh! So in, like, 1990-never.

Shut up, Gwen!

When I drink milk, you can almost see it.

Look, Nik. This hot tub is

first come, first served.

It can't wait.

That's how I lost that giant dog crate.

- You don't have a dog!

- But I might get a goat.

- I'm done.

- [scoffs]

You never want

to talk about our relationship.

Relationships, right?

[chuckles]

Who needs 'em?



So you're okay with us just being friends?



Pfft. Oh yeah, it's great. I love it.

It's so good.

It's so good and fun.

[breathing rapidly]

Your move worked.

You short-circuited his boy brain.

It's like he's glitching in a video game.

Okay, Nik, I'm not sitting here anymore,

listening to you not talk to me.

Jay, wanna help me pick up this hot tub?



Sure. What?



Sure. What?



- Bro!

- Yeah, I'm coming.

[rock music playing]

Taking a break

from old-people computer day?



I tried to explain the virtual desktop

to your grandma.

Then I had to explain the word "virtual."

Then somehow I had to explain a desk.

You really don't have to do this for her.

It's not for her. It's for me.

She's part of a bigger plan.

I want to come out to your grandmother.

Wow. Okay.

I You seem so confident and self-assured.

I thought everyone knew.

I'm a gay kid

living in small-town Wisconsin.

There are still parking spots

for horses at the courthouse.

The fact that I'm out to anyone is huge.

I can relate. In seventh grade,

it took me a really long time

to tell my parents

I wanted to switch from clarinet to oboe.

But I got there.

And you will too.

Sure.

That's the same.

- [rock music playing]

- One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do but talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

[young woman] Hello, Wisconsin!

So why do you want to come out

to my grandmother?



She's step seven

in my 16-step coming out plan.

I didn't know there were steps.

They're updated every year

at our conference in Palm Springs.

I'm kidding.

[chuckles]

I knew that. I know things.

I have a gay friend.

Is it me?



Yes.

As I was saying,

I'm working my way towards the final step,

telling my parents.

I've just completed step six,

coming out to strangers

who I'll never see again.

I'm sorry.

I think you have the wrong number.

Also I'm gay.

Keep the change. I'm gay.

I'm gaaaaay!

[yelling fades]

I told him again when I bounced back up.

Next is step seven, coming out

to an adult who I see all the time.

AKA, your grandmother.

[chuckles]

That's perfect. She loves you.

All women love me.

What a waste.

But can you feel her out for me?



I just want to make sure

she's the right person for me to tell.

She'll be great.

No one's sweeter than my grandma.

My nana seems sweet

until you try to breastfeed in public.

Then she'll spray perfume in your face

and call you a whore.

[rock music playing]

[excited gasp] There it is!

[exclaiming]

This is even better than that time

we found that nude beach.

Until we saw

my baseball coach doing lunges.

That's what my life feels like right now.

A sandy, saggy sack.

Bro

It is really bumming me out

seeing you this down about Leia.

You know what

always makes you feel better?



vag*na hands. Get in here.

[both laughing]

- It's so accurate.

- That's what it makes it fun!

Well, now that it's gone, the pain's back.

[door opens]

Hello, boys.

Hello, ma'am. We called about the hot tub.

Oh yes.

I'll be glad to see it go.

It used to be my husband's,

but since he passed away,

I don't use it very much.

Oh. I'm so sorry. How did he die?



He drowned.

- Still want the hot tub?



- [whispers] Jay.

Oh, he drowned in a lake.

Yes!

I mean, I am so sorry for your loss.

I just really did not want

a haunted hot tub.

We'll take it.

Now, hold on.

Don't you want to try it out first?



Is it hot enough for you, boys?



Yes, ma'am.

Whose foot is that?



Oh, I love this game.

[funky rock music playing]

[strains]

[loud computer chime]

Kitty, come in here.

What do you need?



It woke up.

Well, that is so cute.

I put it to sleep about an hour ago.

It must be hungry.

Oh. [chuckles]

Now it's dead.

That's okay.

Took him a while to warm up to Eric too.

Hey, Grandma, can I run something by you?



It's kind of sensitive and personal.

Is it teenager stuff?



[gasps] I've missed this.

Yeah, it's about my friend.

Got it. Your friend. Right.

I've had a lot of these "friend" talks

with Eric.

His "friend" wet the bed.

His "friend" had a crush on a teacher.

His "friend" got a rubber band

stuck on his privates.

Anyway, um

It's about something that might be

outside of your comfort zone.

Is it dr*gs?



Because you should tell your friend,

it starts with a beer,

and before you know it,

you're sleeping in the park

hooked on the crank.

It's not dr*gs.

I can't really say,

but it's it's a big deal.

And it's scary because,

once you do it, there's no going back.

Got it. Okay.

Well, you tell your friend

that I am ready to talk whenever they are.

Thanks, Grandma. You're the coolest.

That's me. Cool as a cucumber.

Donna, it's Kitty!

Your daughter is about to have sex!

[rock music playing]

This is weird.

You and I never hang out by ourselves.

Why is that?



It's nothing bad.

I just prefer other people.

Me too.

[scoffs] But your brother

ditched me for that hot tub.

Just be happy he's gonna take a bath.

[groans] I'm so bored.

Should we do something?



Together?



- I'm not that desperate.

- Yeah, no, me neither.

We have nothing in common.

Okay, we have

one thing in common. [chuckles]

Totally!

Wait, where's my bracelet?



I don't know. I haven't seen it.

[snickers, laughs]

You're fun!

You're fun!

Should we be Funyuns?



Funyuns!

[rock music playing]

Just click right there,

and you'll be online.

I have butterflies in my stomach

just like when I cr*ck open

a new roll of Saran Wrap.

If you start that off wrong,

the next six months are ruined.

Please, just click it.

[dial-up modem screeching]

Oh, okay, the internet is just

two demons yelling at each other.

- That's actually pretty accurate.

- Yeah.

So, before we continue, there is something

I wanted to talk to you about.

It's, uh

Are you okay?



You seem nervous?



Did you clog up the toilet?



It's not your fault. We have old pipes.

[sighs] It's actually about me,

and how I'm different from

Where is she?



Leia, it's Mom! Get down here!

Leia!

How was your drive?



There was a big traffic jam, so I did

about seven miles on the shoulder.

Mom, what are you doing here?



Is this the boy?



Is this your sex boy?



What?



I told your mom

about your friend and her urges.

I got you condoms, jellies, sponges,

and the ugliest underwear I could find.

- Valium?



- Those are for me.

- Mom, I'm not having sex.

- [sighs]

Okay, so then what is this secret

you were telling Grandma about?



Actually, this is about me

wanting to have sex.

With a guy. [chuckles]

In bed.

And, um other places

where people do that to each other.

You got here just in time.

Her hormones are exploding.

Constantly drawing penises.

She's obsessed!

Shh!

[whispers] The president can hear you.

Okay, look.

I am proud of you for opening up to us

before you did anything.

- Maybe it's time we have the sex talk.

- We had that talk.

That one was all nay-nays,

nah-nahs, and hoo-hoos.

This time, we're using the real words.

[hip-hop b*at playing]

Hey, Funyun.

- Yeah, Funyun?



- What do you want to do now?



Well, there's something

I normally do with Nate,

but I think it'd be

so much more fun with you.

["Here Comes the Hot Stepper" playing]

- Here comes the hot stepper ♪

- m*rder*r ♪

- [shutter clicking]

- I'm the lyrical gangster ♪

- Pick up the crew in de area ♪

- m*rder*r ♪

- Still love you like that ♪

- m*rder*r ♪

[shutter clicking]

[song fades out]

Okay, say it back to me, Leia.

[sighs] I can't with the real words.

Okay, whatever you're comfortable with.

Once a nay-nay's been in a nah-nah,

it can't go in a hoo-hoo.

Wait, which one was the nay-nay again?



You know what?



Don't put anything

into anything after it's been in anything.

Mom, we really didn't need to go this far.

There's a boy I like, and, yeah,

I've had some thoughts about him.

Like, he's got this one T-shirt

that rides up a little

I'm jealous, Mom.

I want to be the T-shirt.

Oh, it's happening!

It's not happening.

I haven't even kissed him yet.

Okay, well, have you told him

how you feel?



Sort of.

[sighs] It's kind of a big mess.

I'm so bad at this.

It runs in the family.

- You too?



- Me?

No. Your dad.

But no matter how many times

he messed it all up,

I always found my way back to him

because he has a good heart.

Just like you.

Wait, so Dad wasn't as smooth

as he says he was.

Let's just say, you're lucky you exist.

[rock music playing]

I just feel so lost, Marion.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I went through the same thing

when I lost Ralph.

My whole world turned upside down.

I'm so there, Mar.

But you can adapt. You move on.

Life has more surprises waiting for you.

That's deep.

That's basically what I said

but without the dead husband stuff.

Grandma! No!

I told you to stop tricking guys

into your hot tub.

Wha She didn't do that. We're just

trying it out before we take it.

Bro, I think that's the trick.

I've got a free king-size bed upstairs

if you'd like to try that out.

- It's free?



- Bro!

- Sorry she wasted your time.

- No, it wasn't a waste.

I was getting down on myself,

and she gave me really good advice.

Yeah, she always helps out the cute ones.

I am reporting you to the Pennysaver.

Ooh!

[funky rock music playing]

Sorry your big moment

was h*jacked by my very chill family.

It's fine.

On the way home, I told a crossing guard,

just to stay sharp.

Okay. Brace yourself for some sap.

Thank you for covering for me yesterday.

You didn't have to do it,

but it really meant a lot.

Of course, Ozzie.

You kind of threw me under the bus

with the penis stuff,

but I'll chalk that up to nerves.

I panicked, and that's

what I was thinking about, so I said it.

[soft knocking]

All right, Le-Le, I'm out of here.

It's gonna take me twice as long

if I can only use the real lanes.

- Okay, Mom. Love you.

- Love you.

- Nice to meet you, Ozzie.

- You too.

I can see where Leia gets her good looks.

Oh! You're a little charmer.

You sure you aren't gonna have sex?



- Positive.

- A million percent.

Just hit enter

and you'll be signed in to your email.

[rhythmic mouth noises]

- [male voice] You've got mail.

- Oh my God, I've got mail.

Oh! This is thrilling.

I mean, I've had kids,

but this is right up there.

Actually, that's from me.

There's something I've been trying

to tell you, so go ahead and open it.

Oh?



Okay.

Double-click on the little mailbox.

Oh dear.

Where did it go?



It's right there.

Oh.

- Click-click!

- [mouse clicks]

No. The little box in the corner.

- The whole thing is gone.

- It's behind there.

- Behind where?



- That window.

[loud computer chime]

[Ozzie huffs]

Restarting. So

We have about five minutes.

[sighs]

Forget it.

Mrs. Forman.

I'm gay.

I've known for a while now,

and I wanted you to know.

I even have a boyfriend,

Etienne, who lives in Canada.

Well, I don't know how I feel about this.

Oh.

My friend Sharon married a Canadian man,

and he made off with her Toyota wagon.

And her cat's ashes were in there,

and she is a mess.

But you're okay with me being gay?



Well, of course I am.

Oh, sweet boy, get in here.

You just made me feel really special.

[chuckles softly]

[inhales, exhales sharply]

Is that why you helped me

with the computer?



No, I did it because I loved it.

[laughs giddily]

[rock music playing]

So yesterday, huh?



Very unexpected.

Did we?



Have fun?

Yeah.

We did.

Twice.

- Let's never talk about this again.

- Secret dies with me.

Sit here, Nik.

I'm gonna take this lettuce

out to my goat.

You did not.

It was free, Nik!

You're a goat's mommy now.

Okay, that's cute.

So, step seven is in the books.

What's next?



- I steal a car.

- Really?



No, I tell my pediatrician.

Oh God. Jay just walked in.

He's wearing that tiny T-shirt.

Oh my God. He's even hotter

when he's tired.

How long do I keep

this friend thing going?



I don't know. It was your crazy-ass idea.

Just go talk to him.

What am I supposed to do?



Profess my love to him in front of

the ketchup pump?

That's so scary.

I just came out to your grandma.

You can tell a guy who knows you like him

that you like him.

- Is that Nikki's scrunchie?



- What?

!

No. [nervous chuckle]

Hey.

Hey.

Um, so you know how the other night

I said I just wanted to be friends?



Yeah. That was a surprise,

and not the fun kind.

Well, then you're gonna like

what I'm about to say.

Sorry. It took me forever to park.

Your friend is chasing a goat

around the parking lot

while some girl yells at him.

At least we'll have a story

for our first date.

Oh, Serena, this is my friend Leia.

Howdy, friend!

I was, uh, just getting some ketchup

from the big ol' pump.

Red?



What are you doing?



Uh

Nothing. Go back to bed.

Red Forman, move your hands.

[Red groans]

Is that Raquel Welch?



[gasps] It is!

Red Forman.

I am so happy

you're using the new computer!

Now, find me one of Kirk Douglas.

[Red clears throat]

- In his gladiator outfit.

- Oh Okay

Have at it.

[clicking mouse]

[loud computer chime]

Restarting.

[rock music playing]