01x06 - The Birthday Girl

[bunniefuu]

Cookie.

Could we please stop the 90210 marathon?

I had a dirty dream

about Andrea Zuckerman.

I'm so confused.

This show is the only thing

getting me through my breakup with Jay.

Oh, I know you're hurting.

But, again, you actually have to date

someone to break up with them.

I like it better under here.

Oh my God. Still with the 90210?

This is getting pathetic.

I'm not gonna say it to her face,

but she needs professional help.

I saw her yesterday wandering

just through the neighborhood

like our grandpa used to.

Near the end.

Guys, stop.

She's going through something.

Something really stupid.

Gwen! I'm right here!

Good. You needed to hear it.

How long am I going to feel this bad?



It takes about half the time

you were in a relationship to get over it.

And since you were never

in a relationship

You're good.

Leia, come on.

Don't go back into your sad hole.

We came by to give you

your birthday present.

Guys, I love it. How did you know my size?



We got you an extra large

so we can enjoy it too.

Is this chair too small?



Just give Leia our birthday card already.

Inside cat.

Outside cat.

Inside cat. Outside cat. Ins

No more cat.

I missed you guys.

My sad hole was lonely without you.

I'm not gonna let my breakup with Jay

ruin my birthday.

Not a breakup.

Not a breakup.

Not a breakup.

How many times

do you turn 15 in your life?



Not that many.

I'm over him.

New year, new me.

New Kids On The Block.

I over-corrected.

What's this?



You spelled my name wrong on this card.

How do you not know

how to spell your girlfriend's name?



Let me see that.

Nik!

People are leaving?

I just got this right.

One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do ♪

But talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, Donna and Eric aren't gonna make it

for Leia's birthday.

Eric's upset, but he knew the risks

when he signed up for Space Camp.

Kitty, he fell out of his bunk bed.

It's not exactly Apollo 13.

Well, he is gonna wish

he slept on the bottom bunk

because I am throwing

a classic Kitty Forman birthday bash.

It's you and me, old friend.

We're about to put on a show.

You're planning a kid's party.

So let's try and not

get all stressed out this time.

Don't worry.

I woke up early to get a head start.

Oh my God, it's 7:00 a.m.

I haven't deviled a damn thing!

Well, I did my part.

Took care of the gift.

Twenty dollars.

You did one thing. Good for you.

I'm sorry. I snapped.

It's Birthdays are fun.

It's gonna be a long day.

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!

And it just got longer.

Bob. You made it.

You knew about this?



And you didn't, and that's why he's here.

- Hi!

- Hi.

I brought you some fresh Florida oranges.

I used them as a pillow on the plane.

So, if you find any curly hairs in there,

that's me.

Well, I am just gonna put these

in the dishwasher.

There's the birthday girl!

Happy birthday.

I said it first.

Hey, Grandpa Bob.

Ooh! Look at you.

You are so darn beautiful.

Those Pinciotti genes

are strong like a bull.

Bull-something.

That milk's for the party!

I mean, happy birthday, honey.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Is Grandma all right?



I'd lay low.

If you don't even know

how I spell my name,

what else do you not know about me?



I don't know what I don't know, Nik.

Ask me something about your boobs.

I can draw those on a napkin.

You're buying us lunch on your birthday?



I felt like I needed to thank you guys

for taking care of me this week.

I wasn't too bad, was I?



Oh, you weren't kidding.

I'm glad you finally realized it's dumb

to let a man waste so much of your time.

That's our job.

You're right.

I'm going to have a great birthday.

All that moping around stuff

is in the past.

Good.

'Cause Jay and Serena just walked in.

This is bad. She's gonna have a relapse.

Yeah. Leia, you don't need this right now.

Let's just get outta here.

Seriously, guys, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go over there

and say hi like a normal person.

How's it going, turkeys?



I like her body language.

Strong, assertive.

She just picked up a pickle.

So today's my birthday.

New year, startin' fresh.

The big one-five.

Aww, that's so cute!

I barely even remember turning 15.

I think I was in the Bahamas.

Me too!

But you're here right now.

No, you're here.

Anywhistle, big party tonight.

My grandma's inviting her bridge club,

so the roof shall be raised.

Actually, I'm so rude.

You guys should come.

- Are you sure?



- Of course.

I want all my friends

and their new girlfriends at my party.

Okay, great. We'll be there.

As will I. Cannot wait.

I just ruined my birthday.

This is where you're supposed to tell me

I didn't just ruin my birthday.

But you did.

This pickle's bad luck!

Don't put your demon pickle near me.

You wanna lose that hand?



You know, it's hard

to take the joy out of a cupcake.

But you did.

Well, if you don't wanna help me,

you can go sit in the living room

and talk to Bob

about his prosthetic testicle.

Why did you have to invite him?



I don't know what you're getting

worked up about. He's Leia's grandpa too.

I blame Eric.

There's only one girl in the world

with Bob as her dad,

and he had to pick her.

Hey there, what's cookin'?



- 'Cause we're in the kitchen.

- Oh.

Damn it.

We said his name three times

and summoned him like Beetlejuice.

I'm gonna make my famous clam dip

for the party.

Oh, that's sweet,

but we have plenty of food for tonight.

I know, but the kids are gonna want

something good.

I was thawing a ham in there.

I'm just excited.

You know, I went all out

on Leia's birthday gift this year.

I got her a karaoke machine.

- Aren't those things expensive?



- Oh yeah.

I left the price tag on.

'Cause I want her to

remember how much I love her.

I need a minute!

This guy thinks he can run my party?



Clam my ham?

No, sir!

You can rinse off your ham, Kitty.

My 20 bucks is getting its ass kicked

by a karaoke machine.

Well, then, step it up, Red.

You've got twice the balls, act like it.

You guys, I think I figured out

why I invited Jay and his girlfriend

to my party.

You ready?



I'm not over Jay.

- Oh my God. No way.

- What?



I know!

I'm surprised too.

And it's all my fault.

Because, guys

- I'm Brenda.

- Brenda?



Brenda Walsh, from 90210.

Brenda obsesses over the guy,

but she never goes for the guy.

All my life, people told me

I was running away.

But, really,

I've been running to something.

It's me, isn't it?



It is.

Hey, Leia. I'm DJing a party tonight.

You wanna come?

It's gonna be fresh.

Not now, David.

It's because I'm a freshman, isn't it?



So Brenda's the passive,

overly dramatic doormat.

This makes sense now.

I know, right?



But you know who always gets the guy?



Kelly, the popular blonde

with the rich-girl attitude.

All my life, people told me

I was running away.

But, really,

I've been running to something.

It's me, isn't it?



No, bitch. It's me.

- Leia?



- It's Kelly.

Hey, guys. I'm DJing a party tonight.

You wanna come?

It's gonna be fresh.

Not now, David.

It's because I'm a freshman, isn't it?



I like it.

Mind if I riff on it a little bit?



Hey, guys. I'm DJing a party.

It's gonna be fresh.

This totally rad breakdancer's

gonna be there. Check it.

Drop that b*at.

That's the coolest kid I've ever seen!

Really, dude?



David don't lie.

When Jay and Serena show up at my party,

I'm gonna show 'em what's what.

Kelly-style.

This is why we get paid 30% less than men.

What happened to not obsessing over Jay?



I'm not obsessing.

I'm just gonna change how I look

and how I act and how I think

to win him back.

- Hey! What was that for?



- To snap you out of it.

Dude!

Hey!

Ow. Stop.

I am the wrong audience for this.

Ow!

I got the gift.

- Where's Bob?



- Oh.

Well

He was driving me crazy, so I

I put some cold medicine in his iced tea.

And some in his potato salad.

Some more in his pudding.

He just He wouldn't go down, Red.

It was like drugging a rhino.

Anyhoo, he's fast asleep upstairs.

Wait till you see what I got Leia.

Bob went expensive, but I went thoughtful.

You sweet, sweet man.

Her own cordless drill.

You stupid, stupid man.

But it's a great gift.

It gives her independence.

She can fix things on her own.

Take care of herself.

Why are you looking at me like that?



Did I not say it was cordless?



Red, you need to think like a teenager.

What did you want when you were 15?



A vaccine for polio.

All right. I'll keep looking.

Man I must have been really tired.

I fell asleep in the hallway.

Well you know,

that jet lag can be a k*ller.

Let me get you some more iced tea.

Ooh!

Somebody brought their appetite.

So which one of my hors d'oeuvres

do you like best?



This clam dip?

Love!

Whoopsie.

Okay, I've figured out high heels.

You can let go now.

So you're gonna stand here

and wait for Jay?



Yeah. And when he gets here,

I'm gonna grab him and Kelly his face off.

This is so embarrassing.

I thought I could win back Jay,

but he didn't even care enough to show.

I get it.

No one came to watch me

DJ at the Peach Pit.

Not even Donna Martin.

It's the worst.

What was she like?

I mean, between scenes?



What do you mean, "scenes"?



Never mind.

Thank you for coming

to my birthday, David.

- You were always my favorite.

- I'll take it.

Who are you talking to?



Uh, David. Nobody.

This is stupid.

I wasted my whole birthday

thinking about Jay,

and he's clearly moved on.

I'm done being pathetic.

Finally!

Move, he's here! Move, he's here!

Grandpa Bob?



You mean Grandpa Tom Jones.

I'm here to sing your birthday song

on your birthday gift.

You're gonna sing?



In front of my friends?

In that jacket?



I'll be over here.

Tom Jones?



More like Tom groans

getting up from the couch. Am I right?



I am right.

Wrong song, but, hey, the show must go on.

I'd like to dedicate this song

to my beautiful granddaughter, Leia.

This one's for you.

Oh no.

Close your eyes ♪

Make a wish ♪

And blow out the candlelight ♪

Hey, it worked out. It's a birthday song.

This is not a birthday song.

We'll ride it out together.

I'll make love to you ♪

Like you want me to ♪

And I'll hold you tight ♪

Baby, all through the night ♪

This is our song.

It was playing on the radio the first time

you let me touch your butt.

Oh, you remembered!

And I will not let go

Till you tell me to ♪

Wanna get some air?



Oh God, yes.

Girl, relax ♪

Bob. Nobody's relaxed.

Seems like you might have had

a rough night, kiddo.

I've only been 15 for a day,

and so far I don't like it.

I mean, nothing's gone right.

It's like I don't know what I'm doing.

Well,

everything's not gonna go right.

Give yourself a break.

You're half dumbass.

It's just

Everyone else seems to have it all

figured out and I'm just making it all up.

Well, I hate to break it to you, kid,

but we're all just making it up

as we go along.

So don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Oh. Hey, wait.

Don't you want your present?



Slow ride ♪

A car?

You got me a car?



It belonged to your father.

Tomorrow, we'll get your learner's permit,

and I'll teach you how to drive. Okay?



Thank you, Grandpa.

This is the best present I've ever gotten.

Oh

Be sure to say that to Grandpa Bob.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

Slow ridin' woman, you're so fine ♪

You gave her the Vista Cruiser?



Man, you really creamed my jeans.

Can't you even lose like a normal person?



Now, Red, it wasn't a competition.

I wanted to do something nice for Leia.

You guys are lucky

to spend all this time with her.

I don't want her

to forget about her ol' Grandpa Bob.

Oh.

Damn it.

You're a good man, Bob.

Annoying as hell, but a good man.

Leia is lucky to have you.

You guys are makin' me emotional.

And I never cry.

Bob, you are welcome here anytime.

Ooh.

I gotta see a man about a clam.

"Anytime"?



Red, he's family.

Eric!

Jay?



Hey. Mind if I come in?



Okay, but the party's over.

Yeah. I'm sorry I missed it.

It just didn't feel right

to show up with Serena.

I still don't know why I invited her.

- I just wanted you to be there.

- I wanted to be there too.

But at least I can wish you

a happy birthday.

You know?

Before it's too late.

Whoa. Where did that come from?



I guess I'm just

making it up as I go along.

- You need to break up with Serena.

- Serena who?



Hey, you wanna go for a drive?



Yeah, but I don't have a car.

Not a problem.

So I walk up on high ♪

- Hey, we kissed.

- I know.

This is the best birthday.

Just be cool.

You mean, for the first time in my life?!

While the tears roll down ♪

'Cause it's the world I know ♪

Oh, it's the world I know ♪