The Fake Lives of Monsters - 01x03 - Eye on... Blatchford

Episode transcripts of "Doctor Who". Mixed bag of webisodes, tardisodes and mini-episodes.*
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The Fake Lives of Monsters - 01x03 - Eye on... Blatchford

Post by bunniefuu »

In this episode of Eye On,

we focus on the tiny village of Blatchford

and examine how it feels to be an outsider

trying to settle into a
closed country community.

An outsider who had
forgotten we were coming

and who got more and more dejected
as filming went on.

Join us as we spend a
week in the life of Sardoth,

Sardoth Second-to-last
of the Jagaroth

Trying to fit with the ways of a small
community can be a daunting prospect.

Yet Sardoth is doing all he can to
integrate into life in Blatchford.

Hello, humans.

And so far, is failing, massively.

He has tried to make friends
by taking up the usual rural pursuits.

Long walks's the country.

Grouse sh**ting.

And drinking heavily.

Sardoth's splinters have a chequered
history much like Sardoth himself,

which isn't helped by the constant nagging
from his other selves.

But whatever he does,
Sordoth always feels like an outsider.

Stuck on a planet
with no means of escape,

the constant pressure of having to save
his race never far from his thoughts.

Ow!
Just take them.

There's something in my eye.

What was that bee made of?

Ah, that's better!

Don't wanna end up looking him, do I, eh?
No way!

Although EU law states
that all Jagaroth residents on Earth

must be given a huge, free house,

Sardoth doesn't actually
have any money for anything else.

A constant bugbear to him is that Scaroth
had a lot more than he does.

The mansion in Paris, a lot of money,

and a nice bit of skirt.

That and the fact his house and it's
grounds are actually open to tourists.

The Jagaroth tearooms are now open.

% off at the Jagaroth gift shop.

That's % off at the Jagaroth gift shop.

Careful!

The Jagaroth aerial display team
performing now.

It's not easy being green!

Oh, thank you, my little darling.
Oh, bless you.

Sardoth's isolation
and lack of any success

led him to seeking medical advice.

Understandably, he
still finds this part

of his life too
distressing to talk about

So we went to talk
to his GP without telling him.

Dr. Amadeus Gowel is a doctor.

For years now,
he has been treating unusual medical cases

and has become something of an expert
in this field.

Well I had a word about Sardoth's condition

with some of my colleagues.

and we came to the conclusin that

thw "greeningg" of the skin,
the hearing voices...

and the overwhelming
sense of past lives...

all pointed to a condition
known in the trade as...

SPLINTERING

Nothing to write aboute of couse...

unless you were writing to complain.

Oooh! An! Yes!
Blimey... crikey! Yeah...

I also suspect that
Sardpth may possibly be

clinically...

rubbish.

Would you care for
some death certificates?

Only quid a throw.

Oi!

Having barely got three words
out of Sardoth on our first day of filming,

we tried to bridge the gulf
between us with a gift.

A huge pile of cream buns.

He it all of them, the lot.

And the effect all of that cream had
on his metabolism was shocking

to everyone who saw it.
And several people who didn't.

Strangely, this incident opens Sardoth up
to us a little more.

The next day,
he gave us permission to film him

as he embarked on a
new scheme to raise

money for his time
machine project.

Sardoth's idea raised a total of pence.

Not nearly enough revenue.

Oi!

Why, you're lucky you caugth

me off balance, you little...

If I ever catch you round this way...
Oh... mummy, he's coming back!

Snot face!

Snot face?

By this point we were curious to know
why his other splintered selves in the past

hadn't left him any great pieces of art
that he could sell off.

Aw, do you really want to know?

We told him that we did.

Really? All rigth, I'll show yow.

I keep old splinter junk up in the attics.
Come on.

We were finally getting
somewhere with Sardoth.

His offer to show us the gathered treasures
f rom the past was a great breakthroug

And he hadn't even asked us for any money
or cream buns!

Rats!

Boxes of splinter junk.
Where are they?

All rigth. Boxes of splinter
junk, splinter junk,

splinter junk, splinter
junk, splinter junk.!

A-ha!

Just look at all this this.

Tat!

Picasso original...

then he did when he was five!

The recipe for lettuce.

Just Kos.

Some of Leonardo Da Vinci's
original sketches

for a child's plastic buckin mule game.

Some of Da Vinci's pictures
would have been useful, wouldn't they?

Oh, I've got some of those, look.

I have no idea where he got
a Polaroid camera from,

but what a wast of time!

So I figured, if you want
a jod done properly,

you may as well do it yourself.

So, what do you reckon, eh?
Eat your Tony Hart out.

Migth even knock out
a Gouya or two after dinner.

So what other plans did Sardoth have
to found his time travel experiments?

I did have a job,
but I was saked last week.

Stupodly, we asked what jod.

Testing binoculars.

They kicked me out.

Discrimination, that is!

We were going nowhere fast,

until Sardoth suddenly announced...

I have started to work
on the old time machine.

It's in here.
I'll show you, if you're lucky.

The breakthrough
we had been waiting for had arrived.

I just hve to tidy up.
Don't go away.

At last, I reveal the "Machine de la Time".

The Time Machine.

Yeah!

We were obviously disappointed
by what we saw,

but Sardoth still insisted
on talking us througth his...

Time Machine.

That's the time disllation accelerator.

That's the warp fluz dissipation pole.

This is the proto-parallax and...

onion relay.

And this,
this is the...

This is the beepy
plasmatic heron detangler.

When asked about the flashing ligths,
Sardoth replied...

Well, I thougth it would look pretty.

The fate of the Jagaroth race
was staring to look very dodgy

until Sardoth announced another sure-fire,
get-rich scheme.

A pud quiz machime.

You cab make a fortune on thse things
if you know what you're doing.

At this point, Sardoth actually asked
for some of his fee

so he could continue playing.

The fact only had a J note
didn't seem to bother him.

I will change it!

Nor tge fact that this lasted idea of his
was certainly doomed to failure.

For anyone else, maybe.

But I've got help.

Ah, there you are.

Okay, the blizzard
octopus kills its prey by

A: Suffocating.

B: Drowning.

C: Poisoning.

or D: None of the above.

- I think it's "A".
- I think it's "A".

- Definitely "C"
- Nonsense, "C".

Oh, come on, which one is it?

I've anly got seconds, not minutes!

Seriously, I really think it's "A".

- Nonsense, "C"
- Definitely, "C".

Oh, you lot don't deserve saving!

Do you know that?

Oh, well done.
That's J . you've lost us.

Oi, mate.
p to see a Jagaroth.

Sardoths's continued failure
to fit in with Blacthford life

and his sad struggle to save his race

had touched the hearts
of the documentary crew.

So, on the last day of filming

they had a whip round
to buy him another littler gith.

What's going on,
you prank wizards?

Oh, gate there, rigth.

Sardoth can, at last, save his race

and settle back into a life
where he is acceptes and contented.

Aw, I flooded it.

Now we're cooking with gas!

To the Moon!

Great. Someone call the
Guinnes Book of Records.

No one could have done that twice.
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