06x05 - Bigger on the Inside

[bunniefuu]

Look at you.

Oh, you sexy thing!

GIRL: Where are we?
Oh it's the TARDIS, it's my home.

At least it has been for a
considerable number of years.

Why, it's a police box.

What on earth's it doing here? These
things are usually on the street.

Feel it.

Feel it.

It's a faint vibration. It's alive.

Alive.

I'm alive.

The Doctor's latest
confused companion...

Goodbye. No, not goodbye,
what's the other one?
'.. Is someone very familiar.'

♪ Hello, old friend

♪ The night is dark
and I feel cold... ♪

The Doctor meets the TARDIS.

The TARDIS becomes a woman.

It's called the TARDIS, this thing.
Time and relative dimension in space.
It's me.

She's not only the Doctor's
personal fantasy, but countless men
around the country, I'm sure.

See that box over there? That's me!

Let's personify her.
She gets minutes of life.

What do I call you?
You can call me...

Sexy.

I think he's astounded,
flabbergasted, afraid, endeared
and turned on all at the same time.

You have what you've always had.

You've got me.

So join Doctor Who Confidential
as we witness an expl*sive
meeting of minds.

At the Doctor Who studios, the cast
and crew are preparing to sh**t
on a set that seems very familiar.

Hey, Confidential.

Back in your TARDIS.

It's where I did
my first scene. I can remember it

weirdly like it was yesterday.

Terribly nervous.
I did a little dance around here.

I like this TARDIS. It's darker.

It is a darker sort of light.

I don't know what it all does
in the same way, though.

A pump of sorts. Here she is,
come on Suranne. Come and say hello.

This is the TARDIS, can you believe?

She has no idea what
she's left herself in for. Folklore.

So hi this is Matt Smith
with Suranne Jones. Hi, Suranne.

Hi Matt Smith, how are you?
Good, thanks.

How's your time been on Doctor Who?
Brilliant.

Everyone's been lovely. Oh, thanks.

And I mean were you
intimidated about taking on
such an iconic part and role?

Yes.
It doesn't show, you're very good.

Thank you. Very intimidated by you.

Oh, thanks. Well...

Not when you smack yourself
in the face!

Today, we're doing something extra
special, because

we are pressuring a TARDIS into a
TARDIS which will be found

inside a TARDIS.

So it's a very TARDIS-y day today.

A TARDIS, inside a TARDIS inside
a TARDIS. I quite like that!

Hold that b*at a bit longer there.
Out here.

Yeah, up here. Possibly
come in and do another sh*t.

I will start like this.
I will go...one....

And I'm back and then...

Hold that. Hold that.
That bit there. And then fall. Yeah.

, take one, A-Camera. Stand by.

Returning to this TARDIS
requires some fancy footwork.

Action!

♪ She's got me dancing

♪ She's got me dancing

♪ She's got me dancing, and
she's always one step behind... ♪

Performance-wise, we ought to go
again.

My concern is it felt a bit like
slow motion. So I think we should...

Can we reset and go again, please?

Richard,
with the increased pace, it's just...

I would try to run less far.

Less far?

Yes. OK, it is just very difficult
doing it facing out.

That is the difficulty. This way, I
can continue around, you know.

How much space can you give me,
Matt? I'll give you as much...

Yeah. I think it will be OK. OK.

♪ She's got me dancing

♪ She's got me dancing

♪ She's got me dancing but
she's always one step behind... ♪

Well done, guys, excellent. Cut.

Very good. Good. Well done, guys.

The sheer sort of remarkable
excitement

of seeing Amy and Rory
stepping on to the old TARDIS set.

It just seems like, it seem
impossible. Seems eye-twisting
that they could be there.

It is weird,
because I have seen it so much

on previous episodes. On TV.

On the telly.

It's weird - been sitting here
while we have been in the other,

because the other one's
just around the corner.

Yeah, you see we have got
to sort of walk past this one
to get to the new one.

Rory's like, why is that still there?

Yeah. Now we know.

Shields.

We're being advanced upon by an Ood.

k*ll them.

And then the Doctor and
Idris, TARDIS lady, appear.

Doctor.

Cut. Good. But I will cue
you to deliver that line. All right?

/.

Let's get the smoke in. Action.

The set may be staying the same,
but this episode means
big changes for the TARDIS.

This is, well...

She's my TARDIS.
Except she's a woman.

What unfolds is a very interesting
emotive, I think, relationship to
the Doctor, between the Doctor

and a physical manifestation of
the greatest love of his life.

She is a woman.
And she's my TARDIS.

There has been love stories
in the Doctor's life,
but this is the ultimate.

This is the woman he'll never leave.
This is the big blue box.

She's the TARDIS. And she's a woman.

She's woman and she's the TARDIS.

How long has the Doctor been going,
, years, been going

and I don't think anyone's actually
made a story

about the TARDIS itself.

Did you wish really hard?

Shut up, not like that.

Hello. I'm...

Sexy. Oh...

Still shut up. Cut!

That's great writing. To see

that possibility, the simplicity
of that possibility and
then run with it.

You have such sensible hair.

Your hair is such a good thing.

Joining the cast and crew on set
is the man responsible for bringing
the TARDIS so explosively to life.

Writer Neil Gaiman.

Brilliant. Thank you very much.

This is Neil Gaiman on Confidential.

To have Neil around
was a wonderful thing.

I had weirdly watched a movie called
Coraline not long before and
he's a sci-fi great.

Of course Neil is one of the
premier if not the premier fantasy
novelist on the planet. Cool.

That was Matt Smith.

Or possibly that was the Doctor.

I'm not quite sure which one
I was talking to just then.

It occurred to me - not for the
first time, knowing Neil's work -

that I just thought this guy's a
Doctor Who fan. I can tell,
I can smell it.

He must. He loves Doctor Who.
He's practically writing Doctor Who
in disguise.

I was incredibly lucky on this,
because it began with having dinner
with Steven Moffat.

He had said something very nice
about me and some Doctor Whos I had
written

on his blog and I sent him
a jokey e-mail saying thank you.

We decided we liked each other and
I made it pretty clear I
wanted to write an episode.

And then he went off
and came up with

some brilliant ideas.

But you know very typically
mad ideas for Neil Gaiman.

And a couple of months later I
phoned him up and...essentially
pitched this story.

The one that I just fell in love
with was the TARDIS as a woman.

That was just, oh I always think Dr
Who's always a bit more interesting

when you get to his hearts
when you get inside him a bit and
that is such a good one, you know?

If the TARDIS was a woman,
he'd be very happy, wouldn't he?

MUSIC: "You Sexy Thing"
by Hot Chocolate

It's the TARDIS. My TARDIS.
The best ship in the universe.

♪ I believe in miracles,

♪ Where you from?

♪ You sexy thing... ♪
You sexy thing.

♪ You sexy thing, you

♪ I believe in miracles... ♪

What do I call you. You call me...

♪ Since you came along...

Sexy.

♪ You sexy thing.

Only when we're alone.

Does he still stroke
bits of the TARDIS? Yes!

I'm like, do you two
want to be alone?

♪ ..Touch me

♪ Kiss me, darling

♪ I love the way you hold me, baby

Here we go!

♪ Where did you come from, angel?

♪ How did you know I'd be the one? ♪

Thanks, dear.

♪ Did you know
you're everything I prayed for?

♪ Did you know
every night and day for

♪ Every day
you make love a satisfaction.

♪ Now you're lying next to me,
giving it to me

♪ I believe in miracles

♪ Where you from?

♪ You sexy thing... ♪

Neil has just fantastic ideas.
I mean,

the very notion that the TARDIS
could turn into a woman,
is probably his fantasy as well.

That's why we have got it. He
has that wonderful fantastical mind

that can leap around and
invent the uninventable, I suppose.

And he brought all that madness and
all that imagination to this script.

Exterior void space.

Bubble universe.

Floating in utter starless darkness,
a small asteroid that's a junkyard

The Totters Lane
at the end of the universe.

On the surface, wrecked and
abandoned high- and low-tech things,

ripped canvas temporary structures,
held together by rope and junk.

It could come off here and come
around so we're just
kind of doing that.

There are four people there.

They're all dressed in patchwork
clothes that look

like they were assembled from
wardrobe cast-offs,
using whatever was to hand.

, take one.

Action.

Will it be me, Uncle?
Yes it will be you.

I only wish I could
go in your place.

Nah. I don't, because it's
really going to hurt.

Holding Uncle's right hand
is Idris, who is beautiful.

She wears a wrecked
Victorian party dress.

It's starting.

The scene we're doing right now
is before the Doctor arrives
on the planet

and Idris, Aunty, Uncle and Nephew
are preparing for House to k*ll me.

It seems like a huge responsibility
to the audience and, you know,

all the fans of Doctor Who to deliver
on personifying the TARDIS.

It can't be a straightforward babe.
It has to be someone with real
character. Real, very, very sexy.

At the same time,
sexy plus motherly,
plus utterly mad, plus serene.

And action.

What will happen?

Oh, Nephew will drain your mind
and your soul from your body and
leave your body at the table.

I'm scared. I expect so, dear.

So when I die,
I'm stood on like a great thing.

And then up underneath comes like
green stuff. Woo!

So I have got to do some dying
acting. So I'm just deciding on
whether to do a slow choke to death,

a large scream, or just
a very dreadful, painful death.

These are the thing that
you have to think of.

When you're an actress.

There will be a Time Lord coming.

Cut. One more for camera.

In order for House, the sentient,
malevolent creature, to use
the TARDIS to feed off,

it has to take the soul of the
TARDIS out and it puts in a human
being, who hopefully will perish.

And that is what we does,
when the Doctor arrives, he takes

the soul of the TARDIS out and put
is it in Idris, this young woman.

So Idris now is animated by
the soul of the TARDIS itself.

Cut.

"Exterior. Junkyard. Idris' cell."

SHE SPEAKS NONSENSE

"Idris in her cell.

"She's focusing, concentrating,
like she's trying to move
furniture round in her head."

Huh? What was that?

"She opens her mouth, but this time
nonsense sounds just blurt out."

Do fish have fingers?
Like a nine-year-old trying
to rebuild a motorbike.

What am I saying?

Why am I saying that?

The first thing the TARDIS has to do
is simply learn how to exist,

one moment at a time sequentially.

I'm the...

Oh, what do you call me?

We travel.

I go...
METALLIC THRUMMING

The TARDIS? Time And Relative
Dimension In Space. Yes, that's it.

Names are funny. It's me.

And then...she has to figure out

really how she relates
to the Doctor.

My TARDIS? My Doctor.

Oh, we've now reached the point
in the conversation
where you open the lock.

"Idris nods.

"The door opens.

"And the Doctor's not quite certain
how to treat her.

"She walks out with wonder, as if
this is the most amazing thing
she's ever experienced.

"Looking around, using her head,
her eyes.

"The initial panic is over and
she's enjoying this - sort of.

"Almost saint-like."

Cut. Good. Very nice, guys.

Starting to play now.

Hi, I'm Neil.

We're doing the catering,
as you can see, on Doctor Who.

At the moment, we're getting a
very late breakfast ready for them

cos they're on nights this week.

Morning. Poached eggs? Anything else
with your poached eggs?

Mushrooms? Is that it?

There we go. Thank you.

Porridge, poached eggs, bacon, toast.

Yes, please? Morning. Could I
have some chips and beans, please?

Chips and beans. I have chips and
beans whenever it's a night sh**t.

Thank you!

Food of champions.

That is breakfast.

Do not let anyone fool you.

Continentals eat a thing
they call continental breakfast.

That is not breakfast, this is
breakfast. It has beans on.

What you having, hon? Do you have
any fruit salad? Certainly, madam,
we have fruit salad.

It's also .pm in the afternoon,
that's the other thing.

And this is the final breakfast
they will be serving. There we go.

On a normal shift,
just for breakfast, we'll go through
eggs a week,

three kilos a day of mushrooms...
Bacon, about kilo of bacon.

Lunch will not be served until
pm tonight. So...

Right, I'm ready on everything.
I'm just waiting on me chips.

Today, we're going to have
king prawn madras.

What's the curry like? Good.

It's always best to feed the crew
what they want.

We'd maybe do a sort of hearty type
stew or a casserole for all the big,
butch riggers and drivers

who want meat and mashed potato.

Then we go a little bit fancy
and off the road for the artists
and everybody else, really.

Orders-wise, Caroline and Richard
are both shepherd's pie, please.

There we go. Thank you very much.

We're basically
a kitchen with wheels.

So, we go wherever asked.

If it's into a quarry
by a side of a lake,

if it's possible, that's where we go.

That's basically the end of it now.

So everything is packed away,

loaded down and then
on to the next location.

The immediate urge upon entering
the TARDIS is simply, steal it,

take off and explore
the whole of space and time.

Hello, everything!

Which is, oddly enough,

what the Doctor did.
That little blue box,

I stole it...

from my own people.

There we are. In perfect flight.

There's a little joy
in the idea that you're getting
to do something with the origin.

You're getting to go back
and, just as a fan,

drop a few more hints.

I was already a museum-piece
when you were young.

We still don't know
the exact details of

the Doctor stealing the TARDIS.

But we know a little more
in this episode.

Do you ever wonder why I chose you
all those years ago?

I chose you. You were unlocked.

We know why the TARDIS was unlocked.
I wanted to see the Universe, so I
stole a Time Lord and I ran away.

And we know what the Doctor said

the first time he touched
the TARDIS' console.

I said you were the most
beautiful thing I'd ever known.

Then you stole me.

And I stole you.

I borrowed you.

We can travel anywhere and
everywhere in that old box,
as you call it.

, years in the future.
A machine that can think for itself.

Is that feasible, Doctor?

'Think not as you or I do, but it
must be able to think as a machine.'

The TARDIS. It's bigger on the
inside than it is on the outside.

Oh, I know all that bit.
'It's my home.

'At least, it has been for a
considerable number of years.'

'What precisely do you do in there?

'Argue, mainly.'

'I don't know, my dear.
This old ship of mine
seems to be an aimless thing.

'You mean you can't
control this machine?

'Well, of course I can control it.

'Nine times out of ten.

'Well, seven times out of ten.

'Five times.

'Never mind,
let's see where we are.'

How far? years.

Every TARDIS reflects
the time it's built

and the personality of the Doctor.

I'm a Time Lord.

I'm the last of the Time Lords.

They're all gone.

And it really reflects
the Christopher Eccleston Doctor,

and then gets used by
the David Tennant Doctor.

This is much better.

This one feels
magnificently steampunk.

But steampunk for real, as if it's
just come through the time w*r.

It's not particularly colourful,
very brass and, of course, now
it's especially brass and dust,

which actually rather adds to the
magic and the strangeness of it.

The new TARDIS is much more playful,
it's colourful, it's goofy,

and that reflects Matt Smith
himself.

But it did make the noise.

What noise? You know, the...

IMITATES THRUMMING

It's not supposed to make that
noise, you leave the brakes on.

Yeah, well, it's a brilliant noise,
I love that noise.

This is a type TARDIS.

'This looks pretty low-tech.
Low-tech?

'Grace, this is a type TARDIS
able to take you to any planet

'in the universe and to any date
in that planet's existence.'

Yes, that's me, a type TARDIS.

It says it's a type TARDIS,
it actually says here, TARDIS...

Time and relative dimension
in space. Yes, that's it.
Names are funny. It's me.

I'm the TARDIS. "Misuse or theft of
any TARDIS will result in extreme
penalties and possible exile."

I would take the exile.
Are all people like this? Like what?

So much bigger on the inside?

And then once you're in,

it is bigger on the inside.

Then you get the question
of how big on the inside.

In William Hartnell days,
you got the impression that it was

probably about as big
as a modern suburban home.

I don't believe it!

It's bigger inside than out.

John Pertwee never really
went around much in the TARDIS.

That's because the TARDIS is
dimensionally transcendental.
What does that mean?

You got the impression really
it was probably just one room.

It means it's bigger inside than out.

In Tom Baker days you actually
did get to get inside the TARDIS...

Oh, this looks good! What?

Oh, yes. Yes, it is good.

Do you know, this is
the second control room?

But for reasons that are never
really adequately explained...

Hello, sick bay.

Quick, curtains, lock the door. ...

it looks like an old-fashioned,
brick Victorian hospital.

Perhaps because they were filming
inside an old, brick
Victorian hospital.

Pick a door, any door.

What you really want
is to be able to follow somebody,

and you want to follow them
into the TARDIS all the way.

You want to be able to go up
these stairs and just keep going.
Go and find the library...

Just had a fall, all the way down
there, right to the library.
Hell of a climb back up.

You're soaking wet.
I was in the swimming pool.

..and the squash courts.

Want to go and find the bathroom?

Yes, the bathroom.
Want to go and find the wardrobe.

This has been a timely change.

And all of the cool things that
are in the TARDIS somewhere.

Doctor, I don't like this!

"The TARDIS control room, but
the lighting is completely unlike
any lighting we've seen before.

"Uplighting, strangeness,
a dead, dim, green light."

Rory,

hold my hand.

We get shut in here

with the essence of it taken out. So
it's not functional, it's been taken
over by this thing called House.

"The central column
starts burning with a strange
green light going up and down.

"Rory..." Listen, whatever happens,
at least we're together.

And we're in the TARDIS,
so we're safe.

"Now a familiar voice, seeming
to come from the whole room.

"It's the voice of the House."
You're half-right.

I mean, you are in the TARDIS.

What a great adventure.

I should have done this half
a million years ago. "Tell me,

"why should I not simply
k*ll you now?"

You need to be entertained,
and k*lling us quickly
wouldn't be entertainment.

So entertain me. Run!

It's something we've wanted to do
for quite a long time, isn't it,

is see where all the staircases
lead to, but it was the first time

in an episode that we felt it was
entirely justified,

because if the TARDIS was
taken over by something and whoever

is left inside is in real danger,
then it's the first time
you want them to run.

I think for the audience

it's hugely exciting to finally
leave, you know, the control room,

that's the heart of the TARDIS,
and be able to go somewhere else.

It's mainly one area that we are
going into, and that is a huge warren

of corridors that the evil force
that has taken over also messes with.

And we don't go to the fun bits
of the TARDIS - the swimming pool,

we don't go to, you know,
the library.

OK, running.

, take one. And action.

SHE GASPS

What happened to the lights?
The lights are fine.

It's messing with our heads again.

We go to horrible corridors
that trap us in time.

Is this your first set visit?

It is. I get to come in
and see the TARDIS,

and we have mysterious
Doctor Who Confidential people.

All right, Confidential?

I'm being shown around the TARDIS.
By me! So, come along.

Here are the corridors
of the TARDIS.

As you can see,
they're all very similar.

Which is very handy
when we're sh**ting things,

because it doesn't matter where
we sh**t it. This is what we do
in them.

So are we having fun yet?
I'm rather enjoying the sensation
of having you running around. Whoa!

So really it's corridor run,
the traditional Doctor Who...?

Yeah. This is actually one of
the most Doctor Who-ish episodes
we've done in a while.

And in a week,
you'll be in a quarry. Yeah.

So it actually is perfect
traditional Doctor Who, you get to
run corridors and be in a quarry.

At night - a night sh**t.

I think in this instance, it isn't
really the TARDIS as we'd see it
if they were just doing a tour of

the TARDIS on a normal day, because
it's been taken over by House.

The idea of making the TARDIS, which
is the safest place in the universe,

the most threatening
place in the universe,
the House is playing with them.

It obviously could've k*lled them
immediately and it doesn't,
because it's fun. Oh, my God.

Rory?
You left me. How could you do that?

How could you leave me?

It was very strange looking in the
mirror and not seeing my own face.

How long have you been here?

, years I waited for you,
you did it to me again!
I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

It felt really cool to be
an old man.
I'm looking forward to it.

I think it's going to be my finest
hour when I get there,
I can finally rock out.

How could you do that to me?!

Cut. Good. Well done.

What was it like, looking in the
mirror? It's really odd.
There's a big spongy nose.

That wasn't any prosthetic.

That's just what Rory looks like
when he comes in in the morning.

His nose is that big
first thing in the morning and
we just have to work at it.

We shave him. We use a bit of CGI.

Lots of make-up.
He vaguely resembles Arthur,

as we know and love him,
by about am.

But it's hard. The make-up
department that put of work in.

And the mill. The whole budget goes
on making Arthur look like Arthur.

Absolutely. It's a nightmare.

At the Doctor Who studios, Neil
takes a peek around the prop store.

Home of TARDISes past,
present and possibly future.

So, over here, we have a TARDIS.

It is the one that the Doctor
and Idris are going to be using...

Keep going! You're doing it,
you sexy thing.

..to fly from the asteroid...
So, you do, that. Is it my name?

You bet it's your name.
..to the TARDIS.

And what is particularly cool
about it,

is it was designed by a
Blue Peter competition winner.

We want you to design
the console for a TARDIS.

If you don't know what a TARDIS is,
it's the centre bit inside of the

TARDIS that a Doctor controls
it all from.

We really wanted to give Blue
Peter viewers and Doctor Who fans

the chance and do the ultimate
bit of Doctor Who design work.

And what could be more exciting,
more fun,

more central to it, than
designing the interior of the TARDIS?

So, with around , children
entering their masterpieces,

the judging panel convened to sift
through the finalists.

THEY LAUGH

Quite a lot of references,

which are very detailed
to plotlines in the past.

It's really impressive. They've
definitely been paying attention.

Just the thought that's
gone into it is incredible.

Microwave to save time.

My little brother's car to set speed.

Fish in the central console.
That's just brilliant.

Cheese grater to smooth the
rough edges of turbulence.

Hoover to suck babies in.

THEY LAUGH

Of course you would! After much
chin-stroking and deliberation,
the judges have a result.

We're happy that one of these will be
made into the TARDIS console?
Absolutely.

One of the things that I
love about this

is how incredibly
and magnificently s it is.

So, here we have our central column,

the one that will
be going up and down.

Skipping rope to control TARDIS.
That is brilliant.

Only a -year-old girl is going
to come up with the idea

of skipping rope to control TARDIS.
Classic Doctor Who.

And classic Doctor Who with a
certain amount of silliness, which,

considering it will be used on a

mission of life-saving importance, I
think that's incredibly appropriate.

It's late at night on the outskirts
of Cardiff, and the cast and crew

are preparing to film in a quarry

that's been turned into a graveyard
for TARDISes.

Well, this was a scrap yard
of TARDISes somewhere outside

the universe,
which is a useful description.

And, in fact, the planet is composed
of crashed things.

We sort of devised the story that
everything

that came along became
calcified and turn into stone,

so therefore you had the excuse
to have a lot of stone around.

After the beginning, when
you've gone behind auntie and uncle,

then you creep round this way,
don't you?

What was fantastic, when I turned up
to sh**t, I suddenly found myself

sort of walking through the foothills

almost and they had dressed a
huge area, which was fantastic.

What a backdrop for a world.
To be able to sh**t for real

and then very carefully pick the
moment, so we want to go even wider.

And action!

Just keep back from this one.
She bites.

Do I? Brilliant.

Argh! No. Ow, ow! Biting's excellent.
It's like kissing, only there's a...

When we first looked at the script
and it was this junkyard planet,

we had to think what
sort of junk was there.

You have to make things going on.
You have a junkyard of TARDISes.

The TARDISes that have landed on
this planet

over the years have been half-eaten,

but there are still bits of them that
haven't been consumed.

But you also have chameleon circuits,

so these were TARDISes that looked
like other things in order to prevent

Time Lord technology from
falling into the wrong hands.

In much the same way that the
TARDIS looked like a big blue box,

the other TARDISes might
have looked like bathtubs.

What about all this stuff?
Where did this come from?

Or bits of them might have
looked like old radios or whatever.

So, they'd actually
taken these little bits of

rather strange technology and bits
of things that look like rubbish,

but which are not rubbish,
they are very, very important.

, take one.

And action!
Thief! Thief, thief, thief!

You see that box over there?

That's me.

That box is me.

That's unbelievable.

When I got the part, I was like, "OK,
are you sure that

I'm playing the TARDIS?

It's brilliant. It's just like you
couldn't

get a better kind of
episode of Doctor Who.

We're going to build a TARDIS.

It takes a quarrel in a quarry
for the Doctor and the TARDIS

to really get to the
heart of their relationship.

They get to argue.

And they get to argue
over silly things.

There's a sign on my front door.
You have been walking past it
for years. What does it say?

Pull. To open.

Because, of course, you do pull
to open a police box.

That's not instructions! There's
instructions at the bottom. What
does it say?

Pull to open.
Yes, and what do you do? I push!

Can you imagine how long
that must have irritated the TARDIS?

Every single time. years.
Police box doors open out the way.

The central idea of the story
was what would happen if the Doctor
and the TARDIS actually got to talk?

I have actually rebuilt a TARDIS
before. I know what I'm doing.

You're like a nine-year-old trying
to rebuild a motorbike

in his bedroom, and you never read
the instructions. I always read the
instructions!

I thought there has to be a point
there were the Doctor would say...

You know,
YOU have never been really reliable.

And you have? You didn't
always take me where I wanted to go.

I thought, and if he said that, then
I know what the TARDIS would say.

No, but I always took
you where you needed go.

And, knowing that,

it's like the entire episode
grew around that conversation.

Like a pearl around a little
piece of dust. Look at us talking.

Wouldn't it be amazing if we
could always talk, even when
you're stuck inside the box?

You know
I'm not constructed that way.

She's every bit as smart
as he is in her own way.

But her own way is very
different to his way.

She exists across space and time -
all of space and time simultaneously.

I exist across all space and time
and you talk and run around
and bring home strays.

Turn over.

The Doctor and Idris are assembling a
half-built console in front of them.
A sort of Frankenstein thing.

And action!

You'll need
to install the time rotor.

How is this going to make
it through the rift? Cut.

They've taken the one in the
most of two walls, no ceiling,
s TARDIS as a shell.

And action!
We're almost done. Run computer.

Retroscope.

And they're building things.

Picking up junk, examining it,
breaking bits off,

putting them into others.

Right. Perfect. Look at that.
What could possibly go wrong?

That's fine. That always happens.
No, hang on. Wait!

Working incredibly smoothly together,
as if they've been doing this
for years. Right. OK. Let's go.

Like a long-married couple.

Well, my beautiful idiot.
You have what you've always had.

You've got me.

When the Doctor finally lands inside
his TARDIS, he's quickly brought
back down to Earth with a bump.

So, just give it a couple of beats.
And then fall on the floor. OK?

And action! That TARDIS has
got a weird grated floor.

It's like a cheese grater. It's
like falling onto a cheese grater.

Play with the gravity.

THEY GASP AND SHOUT

It's not comfortable.
I'd go so far as to say painful.

Play with gravity.

THEY GROAN

Gravity finish.

Matt got the comfy
chair to fall on, did he?

Well, I didn't notice
that at the time.

I could play with gravity.

THEY GROAN

Gravity over.

Cut. Good. Everybody happy? Move on.

Not very chivalrous.

No, I took the floor.

But I, you know...

I can man-up and deal with that.

Sorry.
I thought you just shouted cut.

That was wonderful because I spent
the day actually being interviewed

and being allowed, due to the
good agency of Doctor Who

Confidential, to go and mess
around in not one, but two TARDISes.

And inspect
not two, but three consoles.

So, all in all, that was rather
wonderful. I can't wait to see
the finished episode. I hope...

BELL RINGS

They're sh**ting.

I think you should be very,
very careful about what you let
back into this control room.

You took her from her home,

but now she's back in the box again.
And she's free.

What's interesting about that
episode is that, by the end of it,

we realise that it all comes back
to good old TARDIS and Doctor.

And from Idris' dead mouth,

golden lights glitter and twinkle
and gather.

Look at my girl. Look at her go.

Beyond inside!

A cascade of energy pours
out of Idris' mouth,

a twinkling mass of pure energy.
It fades into the room.

The lights in the TARDIS control room
begin to flicker and change,

as if half of the room is lit
by golden light,

the rest is still the greenish glow.

Finish him off, girl.

The lights are chasing each
other around the control room.

The green glow is being
vanquished by the golden light.

Then the control room goes dark.

A b*at. Doctor, are you there?

It's so very dark in here. I'm here.

I think it's very hard for him
to leave her,

to not have around, physically.
I think that must be...

It's such a romantic idea, really.

I'll always be here.
But this is when we talked.

And now even that
has come to an end.

It must have changed the
relationship with his ship.

I don't know in what way yet.
Maybe we'll find out.

But I'm sure if you asked
him again after that episode,

he'd have a different perspective on
the TARDIS. He must do.

(I love you).

He still loves her in
exactly the same way.

That connection is so strong and
hopefully you get, from the episode,

that that connection is so strong
and that will never change.

Hours later, the Doctor is alone.

He's finally finished the work,

puts the cover back in place, presses
a button on his sonic screwdriver

and the screws go down by themselves.
And then, very quietly, hesitantly...

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

No, I'm a silly old...

OK, the Eye of Orion, or
wherever we need to go.

Without him even touching the
controls,

the light coming through
the central column burns brightly

and with a crash of engines the
TARDIS is taking them somewhere

that's almost definitely not
the tranquil Eye of Orion.

Woo!

End credits.