03x12 - Call Me Ichabod Evel Knievel

[bunniefuu]

Danielle, your résumé
is very impressive.

But we're not just
looking for a new baker,

we're-we're looking for a
new member of the family.

Oh, not me, I got too much family.

I need muffins.

(KAT CHUCKLES)

See, Randi's the sassy younger sister

and I'm the cool older
sister where you're like,

"She's valedictorian and makes
her own blue jeans? What?"

(LAUGHS) So, would you be able
to work an early morning shift?

And more importantly,
if you were a bird,

what kind of bird would you be?

Oh, what does that have
to do with this job?

Well, I'm just trying
to learn more about her.

We don't want to spend day after day

with someone who's so annoying.

Yeah, I wonder what that would be like.

I'm sorry, I don't
understand the bird question.

Ha. Looks like we got ourselves a dodo.

So, Gideon,

it says here you come from

the second-largest Amish
community in Kentucky.

It would have been the largest
if we believed in vaccines.

It also says here

that the only other
job you've ever had is

"doing the Lord's work"?

Oh, it's - , but I've
got the best boss ever.

So, what brings you to Louisville?

Well, I've lived in one
place my entire life and...

I'm not sure I belong there.

The menfolk laugh at me,
the womenfolk ignore me.

I mean, I'm , I should
be a grandpa by now.

Well, I get the "feeling
like you don't belong" thing.

When I was in high school,

I tried to start a clique for
people who weren't in cliques.

Got squeezed out.

Stupid Ashley and her eye patch.

I swear it changed sides.

Okay, well, thank you for coming in.

Wait, no, hang on, hang on.

If you were a bird...

what kind of bird would you be?

I was thinking about that this morning.

I would be the bluebird of happiness.

Well, tweedle-deedle-ding-dong-dee,

that is the exact right answer!

You're in!

The running. (CHUCKLES)

Do you have a number
where we can reach you?

Oh, well, I don't have a phone,

but how about you just
go outside and yell,

"Ich hab en Kivvel"?

It means "I have a
bucket," but we'll get it.

Yeah, we will.

- All right.
- Bye.

Well, good luck with
your other interviews.

- He's perfect!
- What?

We've interviewed over people,

and that's who you want to hire?

His story is beautiful.

Growing up Amish, wondering
what else is out there,

learning in this very
café five minutes ago

that women are allowed
to own businesses.

Okay, so you remember
that woman Danielle

who went to a culinary school in Paris?

Gideon's only reference

is a basket weaver named Old Jebediah.

Randi, come on. I think I
know what he's going through.

I mean, just two years ago,

I decided I didn't want
to be a math professor

and I wanted to own a cat café.

Yeah, and everyone judges you for it.

Oh, please. Nobody judges me.

Wha... ?

Okay, now I see why One-Eyed
Ashley squeezed your ass out.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Max, do you find me attractive?

Once again, Sheila, I grazed
against you in that elevator,

but it was an accident and
I'm dating your daughter.

It's just, there are three times

as many women as men at Valley Hills,

and even I'm having trouble
standing out from the crowd.

All those hussies with their new hips.

Well, I think you're beautiful.

And you and me have more
in common than you think.

I'm retired, too.

You're unemployed.

Tomato, potato.

Want to party in my Pontiac?

Is there anyone you're interested in?

I'm really hoping to get
to know this guy Rodrigo.

Ooh, he's handsome,
charming, speaks Spanish.

I don't know, there's something exciting

about a man who can roll his Rs.

(ROLLING RS): Burrito.
In a Pontiac Fiero.

Please move a chair away.

So why don't you ask this Rodrigo out?

I would if I could get
a moment alone with him.

He's always surrounded
by a bunch of women

with visible diaper lines.

You need to find yourself a wingman.

Someone who can distract the competition

so you can get closer to...

(STRUGGLING TO ROLL RS): Rodrigo.

What are you doing?

It's like this.

(STRUGGLING TO ROLL RS): Rodrigo.

See? That easy.

(ROLLING RS): My Fiero is right outside.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, guys.

- CARTER: Hey.
- Hi.

Well, the search is over,

we finally found our new baker.

This is Gideon.

- Hey.
- Hi, Gideon. Welcome.

Wow, my first bar.

And my second Black person.

Excuse me?

Amish.

Oh. I loved you in Kingpin.

Gideon is on a journey
of self-discovery.

And as someone who recently
went through this myself,

I am giddy to be his guide.

(LAUGHS) Hang on.

Giddy. Gideon.

Did you do that on purpose?

Yeah, wordplay's kind of my thing.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Anyway, these are all
of my favorite people.

Oh, and my mother.

Whoa.

You are so glamorous.

Are you a prost*tute?

Aw, aren't you a dear?

♪ ♪

Okay, that'll be $ . .

Or if you're open to barter,

I would take a half cord
of wood or a haircut.

I'm in. How do you feel about a mullet?

Wait, no, no bartering, no bartering.

Money is just fine.

What are you doing?
Let him cut his hair.

Hold up, this cupcake doesn't
have any frosting on it.

Frosting is vanity, and vanity is a sin.

So is drinking before
noon, but here we are.

Gideon, frosting is not a sin.

Yeah, and-and I know your
faith is important to you,

but these Bible-inspired cookies,

they're not really selling.

But they're scripture-doodles.

Well, they taste like the
cookies you get in hell.

Son of a biscuit.

I am not good at this job.

Old Jebediah is right,

I don't learn nothing
without the switch.

No, come on.

No one expects you to get
everything right your first day.

Look at me and the SATs.

It took me two tries
to get a perfect score.

Actually, it only took one,

I'm just trying to make him feel better.

Aw, shucks.

You're just being nice.

And you're just being
too hard on yourself.

People like you and me,
we b*at ourselves up.

But we don't have to.

That's what Randi's for.

If you love what you do, it's not a job.

Gosh it all to heck, you're right.

I'm gonna go back to that kitchen

and make some dank
cupcakes, no cap, b*tches.

What? You're not the only
one who can teach him things.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You guys want a drink?

Roy here makes a mean White Russian

with vodka and Ensure.

I thought you said you needed
us to move a bunch of old bags.

Yes, they're over there.

Move them away from Rodrigo.

Start with Nancy.

She's a little too full of herself

since she went into remission.

Wait, wait, did you bring
us here to be your wingmen?

So that's why you asked
if I had Daisy Dukes.

Oh, if I still had a
car, you'd be washing it.

Sheila, we are not pieces of meat.

Oh, speak for yourself.

I like being objectified.

It feels nice.

Hey, I'm thinking about
making Gideon a dating profile.

Do you think it's safe to
say he's still a virgin?

Girl, I wouldn't be surprised
if he's never seen himself naked.

And why would you do that?

Well, because he said one of
the reasons he left his community

was to find love. Plus he's
the only person I've ever met

who could actually be on Farmers Only.

- (GRUNTING)
- (SQUISHING)

Uh, I think he may need
a few minutes alone.

Gideon, are you churning butter?

Oh, we were running low,
so I thought I'd make some.

- Oh, you really don't have to do that.
- No, hang on,

this is gonna k*ll on Farmers Only.

You're living in a modern world now.

You don't have to churn your own butter.

Right, 'cause it's women's work.

Here, Randi.

Oh, I'd advise you not
to hand me that stick.

What if I told you there's

a magical store that not only
sells already-churned butter

but everything else
you could possibly want?

Oh, there's a butter
and harmonica store?

♪ ♪

Is this heaven?

Better.

It's Costco.

That was in the good
old days when you didn't

get fired for bagging a stewardess.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, keep it in your pants, Mindy.

Your husband's not
dead, he's just napping.

CARTER: Hello, ladies.

I didn't know that there
was a fox hunt today.

Good thing I brought my g*ns.

Ooh.

You two are new.

Do you work here?

A friend invited us to
use the exercise room.

Anybody want to help us stretch?

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Well, I'm gonna stretch you in
places you never knew you had.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh.

Hello, Rodrigo.

I'm so happy to finally
get a moment with you.

I'm Sheila Silver.

I know who you are.

They should call you Centrum Silver

because you got everything
a man might need.

Well, and they should call you Danish.

Kind of sweet, kind of cheesy.

(LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

Kat? Gideon?

Ooh. Ichabod Evel Knievel!

Randi. Randi. Can I get these?

- No.
- Oh, um, can I get this?

- Fine.
- Okay, good, because I already opened it.

- Look what I got!
- Whoa!

Gideon, I am your father.

I don't know what's happening
right now, but I love it!

Okay, now I see why
my mama drank so much.

♪ ♪

Ooh, I'm gonna get this for Carter.

His son buys him
cologne for Father's Day

so he wears Iron Man by Marvel.

Gideon, you should try it.

You want me to change my scent?

How will my animals know me?

This is why you left your community,

to experience new things.

Remember you were
nervous about trying out

that revolving door at first?

Then it turned out to be the
best two hours of your life.

Aw, heck, spray me!

Shuck my corn and call me
a good boy, I smell amazing.

Who's not hardy enough to
be your husband now, Agatha?

No cap, b*tches.

Did I use that right?

Yes.

Whoa. Does the president
of Costco live here?

Pretty sweet, huh?

Oh, and I know these are
frowned upon in your community,

but check this out: zippers.

You want to give it a whirl?

I'm glad my first time is with you.

- Ah!
- Uh-huh.

What the hell am I doing? I drove here.

♪ ♪

(ZIPPER OPENS)

What are you doing?

What do you mean? I'm going pee.

What are you doing?

Come on, man, it's basic
men's room etiquette.

You need a buffer.

It goes dude, urinal, dude.

Respect the buffer.

What are you hiding?

Now I want to see.

You know what?

Forget it, now I can't go.

You and I were just about
to get into a hot tub

with -year-old twins,

- and now you shy?
- (TOILET FLUSHES)

- Crazy party, huh?
- Yeah.

Can't believe it went
all the way to : .

CARTER: Yeah. When Jeopardy! came on,

they scattered like the cops showed up.

Yeah, you guys did really well tonight.

Little tip.

When Gladys takes out
her teeth, it's game on.

- Yikes.
- Hot.

Man, you've got some moves.

We saw you talking to
that beautiful redhead.

Yeah, we got a date tomorrow night.

Well, good for you, man.
She seems really cool.

Yeah, we were talking to her earlier.

Funny. Smart.

I think she's girlfriend material.

Girlfriend? Nah, that's
not the way Rodrigo rolls.

I don't know about that guy.

He gives off a weird
s cop show vibe.

Yeah, he's kind of a player.

But Sheila's really into him.

Yeah.

I don't trust you.

See? Now I know you hiding something.

♪ ♪

Now, tell me the truth.

Do you like big butts?

And you cannot lie.

Hey, shake what your mama gave you.

All right.

Check it out! Kat in the hat!

I told you, you should've gotten one.

Yeah, I feel real stupid
sitting here like this.

I am so glad you talked me into this.

I feel so free.

Zippers, snaps, back pockets?

I'm out of control!

I know! And it's so comfortable.

Is this why Snoop Dogg
is always so chill?

Yeah, it's the clothes.

I think I'm ready to
do my first alcohol.

- (GASPS)
- Are you sure?

Because that pinot don't play.

Excuse me, Captain Buzzkill.

Get a tracksuit, try to relax.

If it's good enough for
Christ, it's good enough for me.

Whoa.

That is good.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, I'm ready to do my first cocaine.

Oh, I don't think so.

You had a root beer float

and almost ran through
a plate glass window.

You know, I think it's very brave

the way you're just going for all of it.

When I was trying to change my life,

I kept doubting myself.

I'm really proud of you.

So, I should just keep going for it?

Absolutely.

Whoa, Gideon, stop.

I have a boyfriend.

You met him.

Max? Tall, handsome, looks
like he could be an Avenger?

His looks are not germane
to this conversation,

but I just can't help myself.

Oh, my gosh, I am so embarrassed.

No, it's totally okay.

Yeah, everyone's done something
they regret while drinking.

I mean, I interviewed at a cat café.

- Really?
- Yeah, really?

You were drunk?

You're a great guy.

I'm sure you're gonna
meet the right woman

sooner than you think.

All right, simmer down, Vanilla Ice.

Oh, no.

I've ruined everything.

No, Gideon, it's really not a big deal.

Yeah, it's okay.

I know what I look like.

Of course you would try to kiss me.

Second.

I have brought shame to my family.

I do not deserve this tracksuit.

Oh, no.

Gideon, no, you don't have to go.

It's all right.

I want to be alone.

Thank you for the threesome.

♪ ♪

Hey, have you heard from Gideon?

No, but his page on
Farmers Only is blowing up.

That butter-churning photo

is like cr*ck to these farmer freaks.

This is all my fault.

I should've protected him.

Instead, I pushed him to
take a bite out of life

and then he choked on it.

Holy crap, I'm Eve.

Hi, I have a telegram for Kat Silver.

A telegram? Is it from the front?

Did we liberate Paris?

(SIGHS) It's from Gideon.

"Not worthy of your friendship, stop.

Please accept my resignation, stop.

I'm going back to the only place

I've ever been happy, stop.

Are you charging me by the word, stop.

I don't want this to count, stop.

Please stop, stop."

Wait, the only place
he's ever been happy?

There's only one place that makes sense.

The revolving door?

Okay, there's two places.

♪ ♪

(KNOCKING)

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hello. What are you guys doing here?

We wanted to catch you
before your date with Rodrigo.

Oh, I can see you're getting
ready. Lovely robe, by the way.

I stole mine from a Best Western.

I'm on the date.

This is outfit number two.

You don't want to be
here for number three.

Look, we know you really like him,

but Rodrigo is more of a Rodrig-ho.

Ho?

- Hey, boys.
- We meet again, Rodrigo.

- Holy crap, I did it!
- Hey, listen up.

This woman is like a
second mother to us.

You need to treat her with
the respect she deserves.

What? Sheila and I just enjoyed...

Her name is Sheila!

And you just said that.

Rodrigo, can you just give us a minute?

Yes, of course. As for you two,

it's weird you pee next to each other.

Right? You need a buffer!

Okay. What do you think you're doing?

He just wants to sleep with you.

He is not in it for the long haul.

We're in a retirement home.

None of us are in it for the long haul.

We buy our toilet paper
one roll at a time.

Look, Rodrigo is so good in the sack,

he's had six death bed requests.

They call him "The Last Meal."

Wow. I guess Max really
misread the situation.

We just didn't want you to get hurt.

I know what I'm doing here.

And at the moment, you're
stopping me from doing him.

Okay then, slay on, Sheila.

Yeah, good luck in there.

Which is a really weird thing
to say to my girlfriend's mom.

Max, Carter,

it's really nice that
you're looking out for me.

Well, that's what wingmen do.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, Mindy.

Just picked up some vodka and Ensure

if you feel like a nightcap.

Uh, actually...

Let's party.

All righty.

She is a freak.

♪ ♪

Gideon? Ich hab... Jimmy Kimmel.

GIDEON: I'm not here.

Oh, sh**t.

All right, I'm coming in.

I hope you're decent.

What am I saying? He wears
pants under his pants.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Okay, I guess.

I had lunch in the free sample aisle.

Are you familiar with the
miracle called the Hot Pocket?

On the eighth day, the
Lord made the Hot Pocket,

and yea, it was good.

Look, I know you're
upset about last night,

but you really don't have to be.

I am sorry for what I did.

I hereby forswear all the
temptations of this world.

Except for the cheese
balls, I can't give them up.

It's okay.

I'm not mad, Randi's not mad.

I don't fit in here any
better than I did at home.

Do you remember the island of
misfit toys from Rudolph?

No.

Damn it, that would've
been a sweet timesaver.

Well, the point is, you
know, we're all misfits.

We all feel like we
don't fit in sometimes.

Not you, you're so cool.

(LAUGHING): Oh, Gideon.

See? Two days in the
modern world and you get it.

(SIGHS) Look, there are gonna be times

when you feel lost and alone.

But just remember you have people

who are gonna help you get through it.

I do?

Yeah.

And I'm one of them.

You're too sweet to me.

No, I mean it.

I want you to stay.

Then I'll stay.

Good.

Oh, still a hard pass.

Ooh, but I'm ahead of Randi two to one.

♪ ♪

♪ I want the world to
feel the way I do, yeah ♪

♪ Want the world to
feel the way I do ♪

♪ I want the world to
feel the way I do, yeah ♪

♪ Want the world to
feel the way I do ♪

♪ ♪