02x01 - Crisis

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, everybody, everybody?
Um, quick heads-up.

I presume some of you may have
heard some of these accusations

that have been flying around
about defective pawls

and a cover-up, et cetera.

Well, if there is an investigation,

we may receive a "preservation
of evidence" order.

That makes it illegal for you
to destroy any documents, okay?

Second heads-up: we actually
haven't received one yet, okay?

So, um, you know,
at this moment in time,

the destruction of documents
is not presently a crime, so...

Our stock's already down %.

This is the worst day of my life.

Yeah, a lot of people
are hurting right now.

Yeah, but I'm being hurt
the most, you know,

- 'cause I own the most stock.
- Huge discovery this morning:

- McDonald's sells bagels.
- Hmm.

How you guys holding up?

I may have to get rid of Rosalita.

- Your housekeeper?
- What? No.

Mayra's my housekeeper, and
sometimes her daughter helps.

Rosalita's my catamaran.

She's a -foot Crowther, and now I

don't know if I can afford to keep her.

- Wow.
- Yes, not fair, exactly.

If you have deleted
any sensitive files off your computer,

don't worry: the authorities
will be able to retrieve them,

you know, unless you happen
to run your hard drive

through an industrial-grade degausser...

[CHUCKLES] Like the one located
in room of the IT department.

Now, some of you may be wondering,

"Elliot, what's with the power drill?"

[DRILL WHIRRING]

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[CHORUS VOCALIZING]

All right, for the next couple of days,

or as long as this little crisis lasts,

this is officially our...

- Wah-room?
- What?

No, w*r room.

It does look like wah-room.

- Yeah.
- You want me to rewrite it?

Everyone knows what it says, all right?

Will you just put it up, please?

You want me to take it
to the print shop?

I can make it look more professional.

Eh, don't bother. By the time they
finish, this thing will all be over.

Oh, everyone's met Ian, right?

He's the best crisis manager out there.

He got us through a lot
of thorny stuff at York,

- and he has also worked with...
- Eh, bah-bah-bah.

We don't talk about other clients,
but let's just say I am his top g*n,

and to make him seem normal
is a mission impossible.

All right, so we are in very good hands.

All right, my SEO guys
are working to choke this story out.

When you Google "Payne scandal,"

all you're gonna get
is articles on Wesley

going to a college Halloween party

- dressed as Whoopi Goldberg.
- Oh...

It wasn't Whoopi. I was a Rasta guy.

All right, where are we
with the bad pawls?

- That's some good news.
- Mm.

We stress-tested them,

and even though they weren't
technically rated

for the weight of the Hydra,
they were able to hold it.

I went on the NHTSA database, all right?

Prior to the interview airing,

the number of complaints about
Hydras rolling out of park

- was in line with any other car.
- Okay, score one.

Just because nothing terrible
has happened yet

doesn't mean it's not going to.

I think we should still do
the recall, to be safe.

I agree. We should get ahead of this.

Shocker... Jack and Sadie
are on the same side.

It's like, "Have sex already."

I mean, you already did have sex,

so it's like, "Do it again already,"

in front of us or something...
Could you imagine?

Here's my card for when you need it.

It's gonna look shady if I go
to the press and I say,

"Oh, the pawls totally work.
Oh, but, also, we're doing a recall."

Yeah, you shouldn't be
talking to the press at all.

Anyone we throw out there
right now would be savaged.

Oh, yeah, like one of those videos

where you see, like,
a bear tear a person apart.

Uh, it's normally in Russia,
so don't worry.

- Oh.
- All right, if somebody's

gonna jump on the grenade,
it should be me.

Great, 'cause I was gonna say
that I could do it, but...

Fine. Sadie'll talk to the press.

You said you'd...

Yeah, I'll do it.

- Love to. Happy to.
- Okay, perfect.

I know this is stressful, but if there

is one thing that I know about myself,

- it is that I don't lose.
- Mm-hmm.

We will get through this.

[BEAR GROWLS, PERSON SCREAMING ON PHONE]

Oh, [BLEEP]. Jesus, that's awful.

Oh, it's just how I imagined it.

- Second breakfast?
- Third.

I eat when I'm stressed.

I was up all night Googling
corporate scandals.

- People go to jail.
- [CHUCKLES]

This isn't some giant
pyramid scheme, all right?

We... we put a wonky part
in a few mid-range crossovers

and got called out for it.

So you're not worried
they'll need a fall guy

and it could be one of us?

Well, it's not gonna be me.

Anytime I find myself
in a legally dubious situation,

I write myself a contemporaneous memo.

So I have one dated from that
night saved on my computer

saying that I advocated for a recall.

But you said we shouldn't do a recall.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Cyrus.

That's not how my memo remembers it.

Ta-ta.

Ugh. I hate this.

Why'd you volunteer
if you didn't want to do it?

I was trying to look good
in front of Katherine.

I mean, it's like offering
to split the check on a date.

You don't think they're gonna
take you up on that.

Uh, I let the lady pay
for the whole thing.

It shows that I'm worth it.

Knock, knock. Ready to face the mob?

Yes, just going over my statement here.

Great. Let me take a look here.

No.

Nope. Uh-uh.

Huh-uh. Huh-uh.

Uh-uh.

All right. There you go. Godspeed.

Ian, you kind of crossed out a lot here.

I'm sorry, Sadie.

How many companies
have you saved from bankruptcy?

Um, to my knowledge, zero.

And I'm assuming most of the press

conferences you do
are cutesy fun things,

like factory openings, charity events,

where wheelchair kids
get to meet John Cena.

We don't call them "wheelchair kids."

Fine, but you're in my world now,
where the more you say,

the more they can att*ck.
So you say nothing and admit even less.

Got it?

We just call them kids.

See, I wrote the memo months ago.

It was about how I wanted
to recall the Hydra,

but for some reason,
it says I wrote it today,

and I need it to say
I wrote it back then.

So you want me to violate the
fundamental rules of space-time?

[LAUGHING] That's a good one.

No, I just need you to make it
look like it was written back then,

contemporaneously.

- Oh. Mm.
- Oh, uh-huh?

- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.

You want me to alter the metadata
to help you commit fraud.

This has been fun, Chloe. You're fun.

You can go now.

Sadie, did Katherine Hastings know

the cars contained
defective locking pawls?

Well, Nate, that assumes
that the pawls were defective,

which we're not saying.

[CHUCKLES] It also implies
that the Hydra's a car,

when, actually it's a light SUV, so...

Andrea.

Uh, yes, there are currently more
than one million Hydras on the road.

Oof, according to you.

No, according to your website.

Well, I don't make the website.

[CHUCKLING] Or do I?

No definitive answer on that.

[COUGHING] Excuse me.

Are you hot?

Mmm, mmm!

I don't drink enough water...

just in my... [BURPS] sorry... day.

How would you say this is going?

The flop sweats don't really
help her credibility.

It's super unattractive.

Guys, there's no story here.

A story is when something happens,

and, literally, nothing has happened.

Man, it's beautiful up here, huh?
Look at that view.

- The car's rolling!
- What?

- The car's rolling!
- Oh, my God!

It's gonna hit!

- Oh, my...
- Dad, make it stop!

Boys, back up! Back up!

In just a short time, the Payne Wildfire

has scorched over , acres

and remains zero percent contained.

Uh, hey, Cyrus, what happened

to "we stress-tested the pawls,
they can hold the Hydra"?

They can if it was just
the weight of the car,

but those people loaded it down

with, like, pounds of camping gear.

Great. So we'll just warn people
the Hydra's perfectly safe

unless you put anything into it,

at which point it becomes
an absolute death trap.

Elliot, why you scratching...
What's wrong with your face?

- Ew, is that herpes?
- Uh-uh. How can it be herpes?

He's not having sex with anyone.

Uh, okay, first of all,

it absolutely could be herpes,
all right?

I could have loads of herpes,
but it is hives from the stress.

Okay, guys, there is no need to stress.

According to six different
meteorologists,

the wind is shifting.

The fire's gonna burn out
in two days, max.

What is done is done.

All we can do now is figure out
the best way to move forward.

- Ian, what do you advise?
- Off the top of my head:

hire a PI, dig up some dirt
on the people in the video.

Was the dad high? Was he drunk?
Was he even their dad?

Because all I saw was a grown man,

potentially high, in the woods
with two boys, filming.

This whole thing...
This is why we should've done

a total recall from the start.

Oh, "Total Recall"... "I'll be back."

I'm with Jack.

We've been saying we should've
done the recall from day one.

You said we shouldn't do
the recall, Cyrus.

Um, no, Jack, I definitely
was one of the people who said

that we should do the recall.

You said, "We better not do it."

[ALL SHOUTING]

We're gonna do the recall now, okay?
Let's do the recall now.

Sadie, why don't you announce
it at the press conference?

Oh, I-I'm going back out there?

I mean, Ian can jump in, if you want.

No. No, no. No, I've got it.
I loved... I loved it.

And, honestly,
that was a no-win situation.

That wouldn't have gone well
even if you'd done a good job.

Yes, exactly.

Hey, Katherine.
Uh, so I know I didn't do so great

- with the press the other day.
- Eh...

Yeah, you got your butt
smacked a little,

but, I mean, look, it happens
to the best of us...

Sometimes by choice, actually.

Yeah, I just got in my head,

but I really want to do
a good job for you out there,

so, I mean,
if you've got any pointers...

Just take charge up there.

You're a strong woman.

- I am?
- [SCOFFS]

I mean, I know that I am.
I just... I didn't think that you...

Look, sometimes, sure, you
come off a little bit at first

like, you know, one
of Cinderella's mice on speed.

You know, like, "Oh, we can do
this, and we can do that",

and... [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Right? But underneath that,
there is a wolf, okay?

That's the scary bitch I want you to be.

Okay, want me to be, like,
a scary wolf bitch out there?

Yeah, perfect.

- Do that, and you'll be great.
- Okay.

Oh, and double up on the antiperspirant.

It was starting to look
like some kind of bad

menopause drug commercial.

Ah.

God, okay.

Mmm.

You don't break those up first?

- What's the difference?
- It's just weird.

I've never seen someone eat
a Kit Kat like that.

[SIGHS] I feel like

I was just starting
to prove myself to Katherine,

and then I fall apart on live TV.

I mean, I wasn't sweating
that much, though, was I?

No, no more than your average
Southern s country lawyer.

We all react differently to pressure.

You sweat. I snack.
Elliot... starts to rot.

Yeah, and I can't stop working out.

It's like I'm trying
to run away from the guilt.

I've already lost six pounds.

You're a very annoying person
to be around.

What I want to know is, how
is Katherine staying so calm?

Like, we're all falling apart,

and she's becoming
the best version of herself.

Well, that's what being
a CEO is, you know.

You need to be able to eat
pressure, let it nourish you.

Just break it into pieces.

- Why do you care?
- It's bothering me.

Oh, don't. Don't you bite it. Get...

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'll k*ll the "Bloomberg" story.

I have dirt on an editor there.
He's a sick pup.

Katherine, Soren's office
has called twice.

They want to set an emergency meeting.

- Soren?
- Chairman of the Board.

They were already after my job.

I doubt they're calling
to tell me that a scandal

and a plummeting stock price
have made them reconsider.

Look, my advice is, push them off.

Even if they are thinking
about replacing you,

when you fix this crisis,
you'll show what you're worth.

It's true. Every disaster
presents an opportunity.

This fire could be my Chernobyl.

Uh, that one didn't go well,
though, right?

- Yeah, but it could've.
- But it didn't.

Yeah, but it will.
Okay. All right. Positive Chernobyl.

Chernobyl. [BOTH CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS] I keep refreshing my news feed,

waiting for them to get this fire out.
It's awful.

Look, whatever happens,
you're gonna be taken care of.

You're like family.
Worst comes to worst, come work for me.

Work for you? Doing what?

I don't know. You could be my...

style guy/personal assistant.

It'd be like "Entourage,"
where I'm the "star"

and you're my best friend
who also works for me.

We could be double-teaming girls
in my hot tub every night.

Yeah, I don't remember
that happening on "Entourage."

It did, offscreen.
But how awesome would that be?

- You'd be my Turtle.
- Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. I'll think about it.

Would you rather be E?

I just figured Turtle's
the closest one to a Black guy.

Mm.

- Sadie. Miss Ryan.
- Sadie, are you concerned

that Payne will lose customers
over this?

Uh, well, let's see, you've
lost most of your readers,

and you're still in business.

Tom.

Do you accept responsibility
for the fire?

Do you accept responsibility
for your weak chin?

Wow, attacking a reporter's
physical appearance...

Not what I would've done.

I mean, I told her to be aggressive,
but this is just catty.

You know, and you're gonna
feel like an idiot, Tom,

like an absolute moron because you

and your Chicken Little friends here,

you're bitching and whining,
when I guarantee that this fire

will be out in two days, so f...

That was one week ago,

but the Payne Fire continues to rage on,

now covering over , acres

Smoke and ash
from the inferno is drifting

across the country,
reddening the skies over Payne,

as we continue wondering,

what did they know,
and when did they know it?

Welp, who would've thought
the weather geeks had

no [BLEEP] damn clue
what they were talking about?

[SADIE AND KATHERINE CHUCKLE]

But, you know, there's always
black swan events

- that you can't predict, right?
- Uh, more bad news:

my PI couldn't dig up any dirt
on that family.

Apparently they were his kids,

and no one was molesting anyone.

Gosh, you really cannot win them all.

Also, our share price
stumbled another %,

and Biden called us "a blight
on our national honor."

Wow. Little harsh there, Joe, right?

All right, onward and upward, right?

- Thanks, guys.
- Okay, yeah, back at it.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

How are you doing with all this?

I know you're dealing with a lot.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

If you ever want to talk about it,
you know, just as, like, friends...

[CHUCKLES] I know we're not
friends, technically.

I don't want to overstep,
but we could be more...

Don't have to put a label on it.

Look what came for the conference room.

Oh, see, things are looking up already.

- I still see wah-room.
- [SIGHS]

Uh, hey, guys?

Uh, some of our internal emails

have been leaking to the press,
and it really sounds

like we're running around
with our hair on fire.

It's embarrassing.

So maybe please stop using
the terms like, uh,

"disaster," "clunker," "dumpster fire,"

"bloodbath," "death wagon,"
"Satan's wet dream,"

and, of course, "[BLEEP] show,"
"[BLEEP] sandwich,"

"[BLEEP]storm," and "[BLEEP] fire."

Uh, what's a [BLEEP] fire?

I can only assume it's a fire
made of [BLEEP]... I don't know.

Checks out.

I am not a bad person.

I don't want things to burn.
Is that what you guys think,

that, like, I'm on the fire's side,
that I'm some mean fire lady?

This is hard.

Do you know how hard this
has been for... like, for me?

And not that... It's not about me. I...

I'm just... next question.

Oh, God.

Thank you. You have no idea
how good that feels.

That is making me physically ill.

Oh, right, yes, it's
my dermatological condition

that's making you feel sick and
not the fact that you're eating

cake topped with butter.

It's not cake. It's a muffin.

A chocolate muffin is cake.

It just has a little jacket around it.

How the hell does she remain so calm?

She the one with the job in jeopardy.

Meanwhile, we the ones falling apart.

- Okay...
- Nothing gets to her.

You look like you're doing okay.

I'm not. I haven't pooped
once since all this started.

It's been over a month.

I don't know where it goes.

I guess it just, like...
evaporates or something.

What day is it?

- Wednesday.
- Yeah.

No.

- Friday?
- Mm.

I can't do any more press conferences.

I feel like I'm in one of those movies

where you replay the same day on a loop,

but somehow I'm learning less each time.

[LAUGHING] It's been pretty rough.

[CHUCKLES] Don't laugh. It's...

You try embarrassing yourself
on national TV.

Uh, you mean like that time
I was on a news program

and I talked about
how into a coworker I was?

- [CHUCKLES]
- To which she replied...

- That's not what I did.
- Uh, it's pretty close.

- That's not what I did.
- It's pretty close.

You know my friends still make fun of me

for getting denied in prime time?

- I wasn't denying you.
- I'm joking.

No, but I'm just saying,
it wasn't, like, personal.

- Hmm.
- You know, if we didn't work

feet from each other, then who knows?

So, if Payne goes out of business

and we all go to prison, then...

Just give me a call when you get out.

That's something to look forward to.

- Night.
- Night.

Hundreds of exhausted firefighters

are working into the night
battling the Payne Fire,

which is now the largest
in the history of the state.

Wait. Stop. Is... is that us?

No, that's some fat guy.

...have been forced
to abandon their homes.

Oh, my God, I'm the fat guy.

Okay, guys, let's stay on task.

- Sadie...
- Mm.

How close are they
to putting out the fires?

Last I heard, they're % contained,

but, you know, %
of , acres... that's a lot.

Yes, I like that optimism.

Okay, where are we
with regulatory, Elephant Man?

Uh, yeah, um, fat stack of fines

and a congressional
investigation, I think.

Our stock's already at an all-time low.
I had to sell my boat.

Now I'm a guy with just one boat,

like a frickin' cuck.

How about the recall, Professor Klump?

Yeah, um, the recall is going
slower than expected,

and, also, it's more expensive
than we expected.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Guys, come on, it's not that bad, right?

I mean, Ian, I'm sure you've dealt

with way worse situations than this.

Uh, no.

Mm.

Okay, well, uh,

I guess tomorrow morning,
we will reconvene.

Uh, you got a meeting
with Soren in the morning.

I couldn't put him off anymore.
He's coming in person.

Ah.

Wow, he's, uh, flying in
for the meeting.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Must be important.

Well, he probably doesn't
want to fire you over Zoom.

[ALL GROAN]

Okay, like I'm the only one
in here thinking it.

Maybe... maybe he just wants
to see the frogs.

- What frogs?
- You haven't been outside?

There's all these frogs
from the Detroit River

trying to get away from the smoke.

Yeah, they're everywhere.

They got into my kitchen,
just ribbiting all night.

[LAUGHING]

Wait. I'm sorry, did you say "frogs"?

- What... what's so funny?
- [LAUGHS] I mean, it's funny.

[LAUGHTER]

These frogs?

Every time, I think to myself,

"This is as bad as it can get," right?

[LAUGHS] And then, nope, frogs.

[LAUGHING]

It's biblical, you know?

[LAUGHS]

I mean, there's fires,
darkness, a guy with boils.

- T-they're hives.
- [LAUGHS]

And now frogs!

Ooh, and my boat... that
could be, like, a Noah thing.

- [LAUGHING]
- It's... it's gonna be okay.

No, no, no,
it's not gonna be okay, okay?

We all know it's not gonna be okay.

I mean, I tell you guys
it's gonna be okay.

- And you know why?
- 'C... 'cause you don't lose?

No, I tell you it's gonna be okay

so that you all don't panic, okay?

[LAUGHS] I mean, outside, I'm all like,

"Hey, guys, everything's
gonna be just fine.

Brighter days tomorrow. Cheer up, okay?"

Do you want to know
what I'm thinking inside?

Would you like to know
what I am thinking inside?

Yeah, yeah.

[BLEEP]!

We're [BLEEP]!

We're [BLEEP]!

We're all [BLEEP]!

All of us are [BLEEP]!

All right!

Well, I'd say I'd see you tomorrow,

but my money's on an asteroid
destroying the planet by morning.

[SMOOTH MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You're a nation of inbreds!
That's why you lost the w*r!

[FROGS CROAKING]

Hey.

- You meet with Soren yet?
- Not yet.

But I got the heads-up
this morning: I'm out.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Please don't be.

It is fine. I mean, my lawyer says

that my early-termination
penalties are so broad,

they're gonna end up paying me
more than I would've made

in five years
of actually working here, so...

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Jeez, I got to check my contract.

Yeah, I think I am due
for some well-earned self-care.

- Spend some time with Richard...
- Yeah.

You know, read, travel,

drink Bellinis on the beach at dawn.

- [LAUGHS]
- I'm happy for you.

- Thank you.
- Oh.

Thank you for everything.

- [LAUGHS] You're welcome.
- Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

And you're welcome, too.

Yes, right, thank you for everything.

Absolutely are welcome.

Was it one of those little,
polite "thanks, sweetie" type hugs?

No, it was like
an actual, genuine embrace.

How did she feel?
I feel like she'd feel cold,

like hugging Elsa from "Frozen."

No, just normal.

She was happy. I think this
is a good thing for her.

Oh, it's the end of an era, you know?

Not a very long one, but, uh...
But an era nonetheless.

- Yo.
- Mm?

I just had a telehealth visit,

and doctor said if I don't poop soon,

they're gonna have to medically
induce the poop out of me.

We, uh, added a little bonus
for bowing out graciously.

It's more than generous.

Well, I'm sorry about all this.

There's just a lot
of very angry shareholders,

so a few heads have to roll.

A few heads?

I knew about my head.

I didn't realize
that there would be other...

Any specific heads or just any old head?

Not many, just, you know,
whoever knew about the pawls.

Yeah, um, Cyrus Knight,

Elliot Chisholm, Sadie Ryan,

- a few others.
- Okay.

Anyway, thanks for everything,

and we wish you luck.

Give us six months.

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, six months.

Let me keep my team.

If... if we can't get the stock price

back to where it was
before all this happened,

then I will walk, and you
don't have to pay me a dime.

Hang on.

Best-case scenario...
You work your ass off to make less

than what you already have
on the table in front of you,

or you lose everything.

[STEADY MUSIC]

Oh. Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, there she is.

- Come here, you.
- No.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna be sticking around.

- Hey.
- I sweet-talked them.

- Wow!
- That's great.

What happened to self-care?

Let's just say I cared more
about something else.

- Huh.
- Hmm.

Basically, they were gonna
fire all you guys,

and I threw myself on a grenade
to save your jobs.

It was very heroic, and you all
owe me big-time, so...

Uh...

Huh.

I am not gonna forget it.

[SMOOTH MUSIC]