01x10 - Banana Heart Banana

[bunniefuu]

[BOB ARMSTRONG]

I was naked, terrified and confused.

How could I have had sex with a man?

And Bob "Boy Crazy" Barnard! With his perfect man beard and his perfect man chest and his perfect man arms.

I'd always admired women's things.

Did I desire men's things, too?

Had I been lying to myself my entire life?

I needed time to think, alone.

Fleeing the scene of the crime?

No, I'm just late for work.

Something tells me your boss will understand.

- Come here.

- Last night was an anomaly, an aberration.

Look, Bob, I get it.

You're scared, ashamed, confused.

Hell, I felt that way the first eight or nine times I had gay sex.

Could we please not call it that?

All I'm saying is, if anyone understands what you're going through, it's me.

It doesn't mean last night was a mistake.

I told you, I love you.

Stop, okay?

Coralee and I have been going to therapy for weeks, trying to work it out, and we are really making progress.

And yet you found yourself on my doorstep last night.

Why?

Because I couldn't get that kiss out of my head.

And then, when you said that maybe I'd spent 30 years hating you because really I was Madly in love with me?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

But I do think that maybe I had feelings that I needed to explore.

And now?

Now, I have explored them, and I can move on with my life.



- Stop it.



- Why?

Because I love it! And I don't know how it fits into the rest of my life! All right.

I'm sorry.

I remember being where you are.

You just you need time.

I just hope we can keep seeing each other while you figure it out.

How?

I have a wife.

I do too.

I love Etta Mae and Magnolia, but what they don't know can't hurt them.

But you are lying to them.

It's better than lying to myself, trying to convince myself I felt fulfilled when I wasn't.

So, what do I do?

You got to do what I do.

You compartmentalize.

You keep this and Coralee separate.

[PATTY]

I couldn't believe the damage I'd done.

Pushing Dixie from the Ween

-Mobile.

Dumping her from a wheelchair.

And there was no demon to blame.

Which meant I was a horrible person.

We're celebrating.

It's your 18th birthday week, and I just really wanted to kick it off right.

After all, next year you'll be in college, and I won't get to "mom" you anymore.

Thanks, Mom, but I can't Happy birthday week! Your mom told me she was making the French toast.

I couldn't resist.

Eat mine.

I can't.

Not this close to regionals.

Does that mean we can't do our annual ritual?



- Because I already placed the order.



- Sorry.

But we always eat an entire sheet cake from Costco.

Getting sheet

-faced is my favorite tradition.

We have to figure out some way to celebrate.

You're about to be an adult.

I'll still be the same person who dumped Dixie from the wheelchair.

Everyone will still hate me.

Come on, look on the bright side.

After graduation, you're gonna get a fresh start.

I can't wait.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Principal Martin wants to see me before school.

I'm sure it's about Dixie.

Here, I'll eat your feelings.

Mmm! Milk chocolate

-y.

Gooey.

Mmm.

The peanut butter's smooth and not crunchy.

Just take a bite.

Just take a drink.

[BOB ARMSTRONG]

I wanted to believe Bob "Boxer Brief" Barnard, that I could keep him and Coralee separate.

It at least seemed possible, since she wasn't living in the house.

Coralee, what are you doing here?

I decided to move back in.

I feel really good about our talk, and I thought about it, and I think that the only way that this marriage is gonna make it is if it's under the same roof.

So, you know, I Why are your knees all red?

Oh! Oh, I was looking for my car keys, high and low.

Mostly low.

So does this mean that you're back for good?

Well, if that's okay with you.

Bob, I'm sorry about Shane, and you were right.

My identity crisis doesn't justify me cheating on you.

No, it's okay.

I get it.

You do?

What changed?

I thought about it, and I understand now how sleeping with another man, even just the one time, could make you have realizations about yourself.

You are the best husband.

It feels so good to be this open and honest.



-

- Why would you think I'm Cold hands.

Let me make you breakfast.

You must be exhausted.

Why would you think I'm The bed wasn't slept in.

Was it an all

-nighter at the office?

Yes.

Ever since Bob Barnard has joined the firm, it has been work, work, work.

Well, he may be the boss, but don't let him ride you too hard.



-

- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Okay, well, if you don't have time for breakfast, maybe I can meet you at the office for lunch.



- I could bring something for you and Bob.



- No! If I was gonna compartmentalize, I needed to distract her.

I just mean focus on yourself.

You said that you wanted to be a mompreneur.

You just have to figure out a normal everyday thing that annoys you, and then just figure out how to solve it.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Who is blowing up your phone?

[BOB ARMSTRONG]

Bob "Back

-Door Man" Barnard.

Oh, Patty.

Another emergency.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't like her.

No, I don't.

But if you are gonna support my interests, then I have to support yours.

Whether they be Patty or pageants or anything else.

[CHIMES]

Nope, nothing else.



-

- That's weird.

Besides being suddenly bisexual, was I also suddenly psychic?

You're suspending Patty?

I have no choice.

The school has a strict anti

-bullying policy.

Oh, my God.

I'm the bully?

No, you're not.

Dixie is.

Dixie is a paraplegic, who Patty dumped out of a wheelchair at an anti

-bullying assembly.

Well, yes, that was an unfortunate turn of events, but you can't suspend Patty.

With a mark like that on her record, she can't compete in regionals.

This is horrible.

I've become the person I've always hated.

I'm turning 18, and I'm, like, literally the worst possible version of myself.

There has to be something I can do now.

What if I apologized?

We tried that.

That's how we got here.

Okay, what if I made it up to Dixie?

I could raise money for a wheelchair

-accessible ramp or a new wheelchair.

I may have a solution that could make everyone happy.

Patty had become public enemy number one.

So, if I was gonna redeem her, I knew I had to do something drastic, which meant reaching out to Regina Sinclair.

[SNORING]

[RINGING]

[SNIFFS]

Sinclair residence.

Regina.

It's Bob Armstrong.



- Hang on.

Putting you on speaker.



- [BEEPS]



- [LOUD BRUSHING]



- What in the hell is that noise?

Contractor.

I'm sanding my floors.

What do you want, Bob?

Well, Patty is turning 18, and she thought she would like to use her birthday as a way to make amends to Dixie.

We were thinking we could throw Patty a party and turn it into a charity roast.

We're gonna eat her?

Honey, a roast is an event where people make fun of the guest of honor.

We could charge admission and then use whatever money we raise to buy Dixie a new electric wheelchair.

I don't want a new wheelchair.

We need a place to live! Ever since they foreclosed on our house, we have nowhere to go.

[EXCLAIMS]

Ahem! If you want us on board, we have some demands.

A wheelchair and a van?

Can we really raise that kind of money?

Let's hope so.

Principal Martin said if you can make amends, she'll let you off the hook.

And that means we can get you back into regional

- Are you even listening to me?



- Yeah, sorry.

I haven't spoken with Christian since the exorcism yesterday.

I guess I should just check in.

No, no, no.

I wouldn't.

Listen, I heard something weird happened with Christian in Brazil.

That's what I was trying to tell you at the assembly.

I'm gonna try and find out more information from Bob Barnard.

He's got contacts from back when he was a DA.

Barnard?

Since when do you ask that guy for favors?

Since we're partners.

At the law firm.

Let's just focus on the roast.

[SIGHS]

I'd rather not.

Look, I do want to make amends, but getting roasted sounds a lot like getting bullied.

Oh, it's all in good fun.

Plus, it'll make people like you, letting 'em tell jokes.

In every joke, there's truth, and that might be more than I can handle.

Look, it's hard to face the truth, but you are about to be an adult, and that means doing scary things.

Not everyone is brave enough to lay themselves bare in public.

Yeah, 'cause it's terrifying.

But if you do it, there'll be nothing left to fear.

You'll be free.

Trust me, it'll be great.

Listen, I'm gonna work on securing a location.

You work on the refreshment situation.

The less we spend on catering, the more money we can raise.

[PATTY]

I still wasn't sold on the roast, but Bob had been right about everything else, so I had to trust him.

Besides, it wasn't like things could get any worse.



- [GASPS]

What?

What the hell?



- I'm officially courting you.

Floor picnic, wine, and I've already reached out about Christian.



- Already?

Thanks.



- Come on, sit down.



- You got to eat.



- No.

No.

Don't argue with me.

I don't have time.

I got to get to the rehab center.

Today's family day.

How is Magnolia, by the way?

Uh better.

At least that's what her therapist says.

I'll tell you more later.



- What?



- I don't know, you're just so open and thoughtful and nice.

It's like you're a different person.

Well, I feel like a different person now that I don't have to hide how I feel about you.

Hey, Mr.

Choi said he'd sponsor me for the roast.

Oh, that's great, honey.

What's going on?

Bad news?

No.

I don't know.

I impulsively reached out to Mama's old boyfriend Gordy on Facebook, and he actually wrote me back.

Oh, he's still a hottie.

You should totally friend request him so you can see all of his photos.



- No, I don't really need

- Done.

Okay.



- Hey, Patty.



- Hey.

Dee, did Nonnie tell you I'm having a birthday party?



- You coming?



- Yeah.

She told me it was a roast.

I'm surprised you went for that.

Sounds brutal.

Yeah, well, it's all in good fun.

And besides, I know the worst thing people are gonna say about me.

That I dumped Dixie out of a wheelchair.

That's only this week.

What what do you mean?

Nothing.

Just Nonnie's told me a lot of funny stories and Nonnie?

It's nothing bad or not that bad.

Tell me.

I mean, I have to be prepared.

Oh, my God.

One story here and there isn't that bad, but when you put them all together, people are gonna hate me even more.

No, they're not.

I don't hate you.

I have to call Bob.

I have to get him to call this whole thing off.



- She okay?



- How could you do that?

I'm sorry.

I didn't think she would freak out like that.

I should go after her.

Of course.

Another crisis, you go running.

What's that supposed to mean?



- I'm her best friend.



- You're her lapdog.

Whenever Patty's around, you completely lose yourself, and it's getting real old, real fast.

Don't ask me to choose between you and Patty, you'll lose.

Hey, Bob.

What's going on?

Why are you on the floor?

I, um started meditating at lunch to calm my nerves.

See?

[CHANTING]

[BOTH CHANTING]

Okay, whatever.

We have to cancel the roast.

What roast?

Patty is having a roast for her birthday to raise money for Dixie's wheelchair.

Why a roast?

Seems a little sophisticated.

We needed entertainment so we could charge admission.

Bob says that to make amends, I need to face the truth and lay myself bare in public.

Oh, is that what he says?

I think it's a horrible idea.

I mean, everybody already hates me.

Once they hear more bad stuff about me No, I actually agree with Bob.

I think it's freeing to lean into your truth, and I also think it's commendable that you're trying to make things right.

Why don't you use my house for your roast?



- Seriously?



- Really?

Well, I got this big empty house, why not?

Thanks.

My pleasure.

Wait, sorry.

Why are you guys acting like friends?

We're not.

But since we have a location, you can go to work on those fliers.

Go now, go! That was close.



- It was too close.



- Bob, you're being paranoid.

Paranoid?

I don't know how you stay so calm.



- Sneaking around, living a double life.



- [CELL PHONE CHIMES]

I'm juggling more balls than I can handle.



-

- sh*t.

Now Coralee needs me.

Hey, Bob.

Compartmentalize.

Balls up.

Go.



- Call me later.



- Thanks for everything.

Well, look at us.

Just like a real couple.

[LAUGHS]

[CRYING]

Did somebody die?

No.

I've been racking my brain all day, and I can't think of a good business idea.

[BOB]

This was the emergency?

You have been brainstorming for just a day.



- You got to give yourself more time.



- I don't have time.

The years are just passing me by, and I have nothing to show for them.

That is not true.

You have two beautiful children, you have WMBS.

And to top it all off, I got my period today.

Well, at least you are not going through menopause.

Not helpful, Bob.

Not helpful.

[BOB]

Women are so complicated.

At least Barnard didn't have so many feelings.



-

- [SIGHS]

Come on, Coralee.

I will not let you give up on yourself.

Maybe I should just forget about it and focus on our marriage.



-

- No! Yes.

Oh, I am such a failure.

I can't even find my own tampon string right now.

Oh, my God, it happens every damn month.

Where the hell is it?

I mean, there's only so many places it could be.

It's like going on some f*cking impossible fishing expedition.

You'd think by now I could do this.

Oh, for God's sake.

Just put a ring on it or something.

It is just a tampon.



- That's it.



- What's it?

The annoying everyday problem that I am going to fix.

I am gonna create and market a tampon with a ring and a tassel off the end of it so women never lose their string.

I'm telling you, Bob.

Every woman has had to deal with this problem.

I have never heard about that.

Well, why would you?

Trust me, this is a great idea.

All I have to do is come up with a catchy name, and then I can look for investors.

I have work to do.

Thanks for your help.

Uh I should have listened to you when you said you wanted to quit pageants.

Mags, I had no idea that you were so miserable you wanted to k*ll yourself.

That's not why I OD'd.

I was there, listening from the kitchen when you threw me under the bus for cheating at Miss Magic Jesus.

Magnolia I am so so sorry.

I'll call the pageant board.

I'll tell 'em it was my idea.

How could you not tell me I had a sister?

And don't even get me started about you betraying Mom.

You've been lying to both of us my entire life.

You're right.

How am I ever supposed to be able to trust you again?

How do I know that you don't have a million other dirty secrets that

- I'm gay.



- [GASPS]

[SIGHS]

You told Magnolia?

Not about us, about me.

What happened to compartmentalizing?

It's because of my lies that she's in that place, and I can't keep up with all the lies anymore.

Ever since I told you, I just want to be honest.

I want to let it all out.

No, no, keep it in! Magnolia was so angry with me that I told her before Etta Mae, and I tried to explain to her I just wanted to wait What, you wanna tell Etta Mae?

Not until she gets back from Haiti.

She should hear it in person.

I thought what they don't know can't hurt 'em.

I was wrong.

And I don't wanna keep making things worse.

I got to come clean about me, about us.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! About us?

I want to be a couple.

I'm tired of being in the closet.

I am not.

This is all new to me.

It didn't even occur to me that I was bisexual.

Gay.

I'm pretty sure gay men don't like having sex with women, which I do.

I do too.

They're soft.

They're like pillows filled with marshmallows.

They are soft, aren't they?

Yeah.

Wait, so you are bisexual.

No, that's not how I identify.

I'm gay, emotionally.

And I'm pretty sure you are, too.

Don't tell me what I am and don't tell anyone else.

Look, all right, fine.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

You're right.

[KISSES]

Can you stay the night?

I don't want to be alone.

Oh.

I can't.

Coralee.

Just tell her you're working late.

She won't suspect a thing.

[BOB ARMSTRONG]

I thought we were compartmentalizing, but now Barnard was changing the rules.

I was scared who else he'd tell if I didn't stay, and I had to keep up my own double life.

I couldn't believe Barnard had been doing this for more than two decades.

It had only been two days, and the guilt was tearing me apart.

The closet used to be my safe place, but lately, it was feeling more and more

- [CORALEE]

Another late night?



- dangerous.

What time did you get in?

Oh, just now.

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

No, Bob Barnard did.

He's called twice in the last two minutes.

It must be important.

Oh, we were working late on that case again.

It's very confidential.

Did you see any of these texts?

Just the naked ones.

[LAUGHING]



-

- [RINGS]

FYI, I also made this an event on Facebook.



- [GIRL]

Thanks.



- And Dee's not coming.

We're not talking.

She was way out of line.

I'm sorry.

I know you really like her.

Yeah, but nobody comes between me and my best friend.

Come to Patty's 18th birthday party.

Help Dixie Sinclair buy a new wheelchair.

Are you gonna throw her out of this one, too?

Suck it, geek.

Patty.

You're trying to get people to like you again.

[LAUGHS]

That's funny.

Okay, I'll see you at the party then.

Okay.

Oh, my God, you know how I get when I'm backed into a corner.

What if people hate me even more?

What if I lose my sh*t?

You better not light anybody on fire.

In a few days, you can be tried as an adult.

[RINGS]

Hey, Bob.

Stay away from Christian, do you understand?

Why, what's wrong?

I heard back from Bob Barnard.

Christian was arrested for trying to kidnap his girlfriend in Brazil.

They only reason they didn't press charges is 'cause Pastor Mike agreed to take his family out of the country.

That's really bad.

Christian kidnapped a girl in Brazil.

They only

- Bob, I gotta go.



- [BEEPS]

Hey, Patty.

Haven't you been getting my texts?

I haven't heard from you since the exorcism.

Yeah, there was no demon, so turns out it was all me.

Even better.

No, pretty sure that means I'm a bad person.

Isn't your dad having surgery from the car accident?

Yeah, on his leg.



- So shouldn't you be there?



- Why?

It's not like I can scrub in.

What are these?

You planned a birthday party without inviting me?

Technically, it's a roast, and anyone can come.

So technically everyone's invited.

But I had something special planned for just the two of us, alone.

She doesn't want to be alone with you.

That's not true.

Right, baby?

I know about the kidnapping in Brazil.

And I think we should stop seeing each other.

I can't believe you were checking up on me.

Whoa, dude, relax.

It wasn't a kidnapping.

We took off, like you and I did.

Her parents blew the whole thing totally out of proportion.

Seriously, back off.



- [GRUNTS]



- Hey!

- Don't

- You can't just walk away from me.



- Let go!

- Hey, you heard her, assh*le.

Let go! Whatever.

It's your birthday.

Do what you want.

Watch your back.

Oh, babe.



- [BRICK]

You okay?



- Yeah.

Thank you for stepping in.

Yeah, I'm just glad you guys are okay.

Happy birthday.

Brick.

Look, I'm I'm sorry about everything, and I'm having a party if you wanna come.

I have plans, but I'll try to make it.

Wow.

Talk about choosing the wrong guy.

Well, don't you look nice.

What's the occasion?

It's Patty's birthday party.

And I'm not invited?

Well, I mean, you and Patty really haven't spoken since you left town.

Yeah, but I should still go, right?

I mean, show that our marriage is strong.

Plus, it's not even really a party, it's more of a charity roast.

Oh, now I definitely wanna come.

Everyone in town is talking about what a bully Patty is.

What do you wear to a bloodbath?

[BOB ARMSTRONG]

With Bob Barnard wanting to kick out his closet door, I couldn't risk putting Coralee in the line of fire.

Are you sure?

All the proceeds are going towards a new wheelchair for Dixie Sinclair, and I know how you feel about Regina.

No, it's important for me to be there for you.

Where is it?

At Bob Barnard's.



- [POP MUSIC PLAYING]



- [CHATTERING]

Since when do you double fist?



- Excuse me?



- The wine, Bob.

Are you nervous about something?

Oh.

No.

I'm just Bob Barnard.

Hey.

Oh! Well, you're lucky you have a beard that will catch the dribble and crumbs and such.



- Oh, that's so sweet.



- And you look dazzling as always, Coralee.

Dazzling.

Oh, my God, that's it.

Tampazzle.

Ooh, ooh! I gotta write that down so I do not forget it.

What the hell is a Tampazzle?

It's a tampon with a tassel.

Don't ask.

What are you thinking making jokes like that in front of my wife?

Oh, I always make fun of you.

We need to keep up appearances.

Oh, my God.

There's an actual line out the front door.

Well, that's the most front

-door action this place has seen in days.

I'll go help things along.

[GRUNTS]

So, how are you feeling?

Just trying to be brave, like you said.

Good girl.

Now is the time for your birthday gift.

You didn't have to.

It is a bee to remind you to be the most you you can be.



- Cute.



- Hey, Patty.

Brick, you came.

Yeah.

Well, I got a ride with my parents, so Happy birthday.

He is trying to play it cool, but he changed his shirt three times before we left the house.

Now, come on.

Let's go over your final notes, make sure you don't sting anybody.

Dee?

What are you doing here?

I wanted to apologize.

I'm sorry about what I said about Patty.

I know she's your best friend, so I wanted to show my support.

Thanks.

Plus, I couldn't miss a chance to hear people talk sh*t about her.

[HANK]

I'm sorry, Tampoozle?

No, not a Tampoozle, like bamboozle.

Tampazzle, like razzle

-dazzle.

Oh, you know what?

Here, I'm gonna show you guys.

Who's carrying?

I got one.

Anyone else?

Please, God, anyone else?

Here, hold this.

Thank you.

So, here you go.

Like, we've all been there, right?

Like we're deep sea fishing?

You know, sometimes you're, like, digging for treasure, trying to find this string.

Here, can you hold that?

Okay.

Now watch this.

Okay.

Here we go.

Tampazzle.

It's festive, period.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's an amazing slogan.

Okay.

You know what?

Don't you look at me like that.

I mean, if it wasn't for periods, none of y'all would be here.

I think your idea is genius.



- Oh, that makes me hate it a little bit.



- I can help you.

I still have all of my real estate contacts.

I can make a list of investors a mile long.

Do you know what else is a mile long?

Your rap sheet.

Gordy.

What the hell are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Saw the party on your Facebook page, figured I'd come and we'd catch up.

What's it been, baby, 19 years?

You need to leave.

Now.

If you didn't wanna see me, why'd you reach out?

I don't know.

I was I was confused.

About what?

I've been thinking about what happened between us, and I think it was wrong.



- What do you mean?



- I mean, you were 26.

You were dating my mom.

I was 14.

I realize the circumstances were not ideal, but we were in love.

I don't think that's what love is.

You were supposed to be a father figure to me.

I was just a kid.

You weren't a kid when you came back to find me all grown up.

Yeah, and that was f*cked up.

Everything I did after you was f*cked up.

It's like I got stuck at 14.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't you go blaming all your problems on me, okay?

You sound like you're having a mid

-life crisis.

Excuse me.

Guys aren't paying attention to you like they used to.

You're feeling a little long in the tooth.

I can't blame you.

You're old enough to have a teenage daughter.

Where is she, by the way?

I wanna wish her a happy birthday.

Well, look at her.

She's a fox, just like you when you were her age.

You know what?

I did miss you.

Do you still keep that stash of pot in Kitty's glovebox?

I sure do.

Hmm.

Why don't you give me five minutes to freshen up, score me some condoms, and I'll meet you out front?

[KNOCKS]

Howdy, Officer.

I got a tip you may be carrying some dr*gs.

Mind if I take a look?

Son of a [PATTY]

The roasting throne.

I felt like it was taunting me.

I may as well have been going to the electric chair.

Patty, I was gonna wait to give you your gift, but I wanna give it to you now.

You're giving me your car?

I want you to get out of this town someday, see new places, do amazing things.

Things I never got to do.

It's never too late for a fresh start, baby.

Which is Which is why I got to get out of here.

What, now?

But the roast I have to leave while everyone's distracted.

I'm skipping town for a while.

It's time to grow up.

You and me, we can both be adults.

So, what are you gonna do?

Don't worry about that, baby.

I'll call you as soon as I can.

I love you.

Happy birthday.

Ready to get roasted?

[SIGHS]

Gas in the t*nk I swing in at the gate On a fast track, baby Coach, I'm ready to slate Got the big leagues busted 'Cause we're coming out [BOB ARMSTRONG]

Thank you all so much for coming and helping to buy Dixie Sinclair a new set of wheels.

And to help roast Patty Bladell alive.

[CHEERING]

So, here is how tonight is going to work.

Anyone who wants to come up and speak the truth about Patty is welcome.

But be warned.

When you're done, Patty will get the chance to do the same to you.

And if there's one thing Patty loves more than a buffet, it's revenge.



- Just ask Dixie Sinclair, am I right?



- [PARTYGOERS GASPING]

Okay, so, let's get this party started.

[PATTY]

I felt like a lamb getting led to slaughter.

I braced for the worst.

I knew Patty wasn't much of an athlete when we had to run the 50

-yard dash in third grade.

She crossed the finish line in sixth.

[LAUGHING]

[PATTY]

That wasn't so bad.

And who knew Brick had a sense of humor?

I love Patty.

She's like a second daughter to me.

But with her around, I also gained a son the Domino's delivery guy.



- [LAUGHING]



- [WOMAN]

I love pizza.

I love pizza.

Patty totally flashed me her boobs once at the Booze 'N Stuff.

[BOY]

Oh, way to go, man.

And what's the punch line?

No punch line.

I just wanted everyone to know.

Dixie used to be Bob Armstrong's shining star, but he traded her in for a cheaper model.

Oh, honey, don't you know everything good comes from China?

[LAUGHING]

Growing up, I had a lot of nicknames for Patty.

Porky, Chunky Brewster, Blubberguts, Big Gob, Butterball, Lard Bucket, Tub o' Chitlins.

Okay, okay, I get it.

I was fat.

I was building to you're a slut.

[GASPING]

[PATTY]

It was brutal.

Burn.

[PATTY]

Thank God Nonnie was the last person to go.

At least I knew I had already heard anything she would have to say.

Being best friends with Patty Bladell is not for the weak of heart or stomach.

She once made me eat so much sugar

-free chocolate, I crapped my pants.

Oh, also, she once made me drive ten miles in an ice storm to get donuts.

And she made me help her steal police evidence.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, and she made me conjure a demon.

Wow.

I can't believe all the crazy sh*t you've made me do.

Hey, wait, Nonnie.

Well, on that note, let us all take a brief intermission.

Wait, wait, wait, Nonnie.

Hey, hey, Nonnie.

I am so sorry for making you do all of those things.

You didn't.

You didn't force me to or put a g*n to my head.

It's on me.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't think for myself when I'm with you.

I lose who I am and I don't wanna lose my girlfriend over it, so I got to go.

Wait, Nonnie Hey, wait.



- We need to finish this conversation.



- No, we don't.

I'm sorry, Patty but this friendship isn't working for me anymore.

I need to take a break.

[PATTY]

It was the worst birthday ever.

I lost my Mom, my best friend.

All I had left was Bob, and I needed to find him ASAP.

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Well, Coralee was just thanking me for being so supportive while you went through your rough patch.

You know what?

Let's toast.

To Bob Barnard, the man who may have saved our marriage.



- [CORALEE GASPS]



- Oh! Okay, sugar.

Do you have a dustpan?

Oh, in the mud room.



- I can't do this.

I am not like you.



- You can.

We just need to get you through the night without you falling apart.

Me?

What about you?

Who knows who you may come out to next?

Oh, my God.

[GASPING]

I'm dizzy.

I can't feel my hands.

Oh, my God.

I can't breathe.

Oh, my God, you have to stand up.

Hey, you need to calm down.

You gotta calm down.

I know what you need.

Come on.

Mm

-hmm.

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

And let go.

Oh, stop.

I can't live like this.

You're better at it than you think.

[PATTY]

What the f*ck?

Bob said the truth would set me free, and he was keeping secrets all along?

I had been humiliated, abandoned.

All because I trusted him.

And now, I was gonna make him pay.

Intermission's over, folks.

Let's just skip right to the end.

Oh, look, our MC has decided to join us.

Hey, Bob.

Where were you?

Oh, sorry, bathroom.

Well, I just wanna start by thanking everyone for their brutal honesty tonight.

Who doesn't need a little more truth in their life?

That's what tonight is all about, right, Bob?

The truth?

See, Bob is always telling me that I should be the most me that I can be.

Just really live in my truth.

But I think that everyone should walk the walk and talk the talk.

So come on, Bob.

You have any secrets you wanna share with the group?

[STAMMERS]

Come on.

Be the most you you can be.

You wanna tell Coralee, or do you want me to?

Bob, what is she talking about?

I have no idea.

He's boning Bob Barnard.

[GASPING]



- Oh!

- [CORALEE]

What?

That's ridiculous.

I would never Oh, you would never what?

Lie?

While telling everyone else to be honest?

Or you would never be a fraud while telling me to be authentic?

Or you would never betray the trust of everyone you know?

I mean, that's not true, is it, Bob?

What?

Why are you looking at him?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Coralee, please.

Please don't leave.

No, I'm not leaving this time, Bob.

You are.

Don't come home ever.



- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

- Oh, it's hot! It's hot! I can walk again! Praise Jesus, it's a miracle! It's a miracle.

See, everyone is a liar except me.

Why did you do that to me, after everything I've done for you?

Done for me?

You humiliated me! You made me listen to all that ugliness, telling me to be brave when you're a coward! I wanted to handle things the right way, which you have now made impossible! I did you a favor and laid you bare, just like you did to me.

And how does it feel, huh?

Don't you feel free?

You know what?

You are right.

I never should have thought because you were beautiful that your insides matched your outsides.

Please don't be the most you you can be, because who you are is ugly.

[PATTY]

Bob told me I had to face my truth, and now it was all too clear.

I was selfish, destructive, and so caught up in my own self

-righteous anger that I didn't think about how my actions would affect anyone else.

Bob was right, I was ugly on the inside, so it didn't matter what my outsides looked like.

Not anymore.

So who cared what I ate?

I just didn't want to feel this pain.

I didn't want to feel anything at all, so I turned to the only friend I had left.

Happy birthday, Fatty Patty.

[BLOWS]

[PATTY CONTINUES EATING]

[PATTY SNIFFLING]

[PATTY CLEARS THROAT]

[PATTY CONTINUES SNIFFLING]

[PATTY SIGHS]