02x01 - New York State of Mind

[bunniefuu]

When we asked,

"Do you believe career politicians
like Dede Standish have done a good job

representing the 27th District in Albany?"
it was 33 percent yes, 38 percent no,

14 undecided,

15 no opinion.

- That's very good.
- Meaning bad for her, good for us.

Yep, I gathered that.
Totally did not need to clarify.

But when we asked,

"Do you believe
Payton Hobart has the experience

to represent the 27th District in Albany?"

It dropped to a 21 percent yes,

44 percent no,

22 undecided, and 13 no opinion.

Okay,
but that's a very different question.

Hold on. That's the same thing,
"undecided" and "no opinion."

No, it's not.

Oh, God! God damn it!

I've done so much glad-handing

that we've spent half
of our campaign budget on hand sanitizer.

Are you just gonna let all this spill out,
or...?

So, why are we ten-something points down
with a month to go?

Dede Standish
has 30 years of name recognition.

It's all about turnout.

Turnout in elections
for New York State Senate

tend to be as low as 2 percent.

As few as 6,000 people
will even cast their ballots,

which means this race can be determined
on, like, 100 votes.

You could win
if you just go after those people

who've answered the poll
with "I don't know."

And we know who they are.
We have their phone numbers.

There weren't any "I don't knows"!

That's right, James,

because you asked everyone for
their opinions in a really confusing way.

- Maybe I'll just get us coffees, then.
- Thank you.

The reason why
we are ten-something points behind

and not ten-something points ahead
is because you have a nuclear b*mb

with the word "throuple" written on it,
and you refuse to drop it, okay?

See, that's the thing
with a nuclear b*mb, James.

It's not a very good look
for the side that drops it, okay?

I won't run a dirty campaign
that att*cks my opponent's personal life.

I am the ideas candidate.

Well, then you'd better get used to
the idea that we are going to lose.

Maybe instead of coffee,
I'll just see you all tomorrow?

Will you please get a mop?

I need a pretzel

and I need a... a chicken salad

and I need a Gatorade...

Forget it.

People, let's get up,
off the saddle. Here we go.

Right, left, right.

Stabilize those hips, people.

Lane three, customer waiting...

I know who you are.
Why are you following me?

Can I interest you in lunch?

I want to speak to Payton Hobart.

And don't lie and say he's not here.

Tell him it's Andrew.

Uh, okay. Andrew...?

No last name. Just Andrew.

Like Cher.

And it's like when I talk,
they don't even hear me.

And it's not an accident.
They're actively not listening.

I've been dealing with that my whole life.

It's called being a woman.

I hate math,

and I spent years at UC Santa Cruz
studying number theory.

You know why?

Because I'm obsessed with Infinity.

Do you mean the person?

Yes, dumb-ass.

I can't stop thinking about her.

I jerk it all the time,
and it doesn't help.

I've tried everything.

Empty affairs, a lot of older women.

Effed some guys, too, some BDSM sh*t.

Nothing works.

I'm in love with her.

So, why are you here?

I came to work for you, asshat.
What do you think?

Your campaign's in the toilet.

Listen...

I'm just gonna come right out and ask:

Why don't you come and work for us?

But not "officially" work for us.

And how are you gonna help?

How thick are you assholes, anyway?

I'm gonna get myself hired
by the Standish campaign.

What you need is...

A mole?

Why even bother?
You're, like, ten points ahead.

sh*t like this is how we stay
ten points ahead.

How you gonna get hired? They'll know
we went to high school together.

So what?

I'll tell them you suck and I hate you.
Because I do.

And why would you do that?

And why exactly would I do that?

Because your talents are totally ignored

by a... an insufferable little megalomaniac

who, really, let's face it,
doesn't know what he's doing.

Again, Infinity won't return my calls,

and her texts are, like,
"I'm really busy,"

and, "Please stop texting me.
It's never gonna happen."

All these mixed messages.

I'm curious about your relationship
with your father.

- Why?
- I know he's in prison,

but what about before that?

Was he

an egoist? A little cruel?

That's none of your business.

He was a bit of a megalomaniac, wasn't he?

- I refuse to sit here and listen to this.
- But it sounds familiar, doesn't it?

A sociopath who's only in it for himself?

Who makes you feel exactly as small
as you believe yourself to be?

- Funny how we do that, isn't it, Astrid?
- I'm gonna tell them you approached me.

Don't follow me again.

You won that election, Astrid.

The principal told me.
They counted the ballots. You won.

It should be you running against us.

I mean, no. It shouldn't.
That would be insane. But, still

- you were robbed.
- Let me just get this straight.

Your price for helping us
is setting you up with Infinity?

That's my price, d*ck.

Does he know?

- Does Payton know he lost?
- No.

No, no way.
That's not how we're doing this.

Yes. Yes, Astrid,

he does.

I'll think about it.

It's a deal.

So, in a way,

it's kind of refreshing

to have an independent candidate

like Mr. Hobart running.

And...
And no matter what the polls say,

he should stay in the race to the end.

I think history has shown

that single-issue candidates
are good for democracy.

Whoa. I thought this was gonna be
a civil conversation.

Elvis, I am hardly a one-issue candidate.

Well, if I were going to be uncivil,

I would mention how I'm not sure
you're even qualified to be in this race.

You enrolled at NYU,

what, three years ago?

Well, Senator, if you'd bothered
to read my election filing,

you would know that I've actually been
a legal resident of New York since age 14.

And how did you manage that?

My father's LLC is headquartered here,
in New York.

Um, my family has owned a home in Montauk
for several generations.

As a matter of fact,

I got a New York State driver's license
the summer that I turned 16.

Which you immediately took back
to your high school

in Santa Barbara, California.

Sounds like a real New Yorker to me.

Okay, we've got about five minutes left.

Payton,

are you a "single-issue" candidate?

Of course not. Uh...

And the idea that Senator Standish

would characterize a platform

that is centered around
making green energy

this city's highest priority

by making New York carbon neutral
in four years,

to suggest that all of that

is some sort of pipe dream,
that just shows how out of touch she is,

and it underlines the need

for a new generation of young leaders,
who

forgive me,
aren't going to be dead in 20 years,

- but will be here...
- Oh.

Living in a climate catastrophe

that threatens all of civilization
as we know it, all right?

It is young people,

people who have never cast a ballot before
in their lives,

who know that this is
the greatest thr*at we face, as a species,

and who know that we have
the solutions to act now.

Trillions of dollars.

Say that again, Senator.
Everybody didn't hear you.

This plan you just outlined, Payton.

Uh, doing the quick math in my head,

trillions with a t.

That's thousands of billions of dollars.

This is great lip service,

and I'm sure it will play out wonderfully

for your mother's campaign
in California, but

this is New York,
and we know better!

These are not serious proposals, Payton.

- If you had done your research...
- Mmm.

You would know

that I just cosponsored a bill
that passed into law,

mandating 2.4 gigawatts

of offshore wind power
and no-cost solar energy

for 10,000 low-income residents

without raising taxes
on a single resident in this state.

Those are real results
from a real candidate

who's been working her ass off
for the last 35 years

and doesn't have time

for stunt candidacies
launched by unserious people.

I should've brought up the throuple.

It was right on the tip of my tongue.

I'm glad you took the high road.

Now, eat your sundae.

Only thing more depressing
than a hopeless politician

- is a melted ice-cream sundae.
- I'm not four years old.

Ice cream won't solve my problems.

I know,

which is why I also brought you

these marijuana gummies

and this miniature margarita kit.

And I'm also wearing
very provocative undergarments.

- You're so good to me.
- Mm.

I love you.

I didn't run out on my wedding
just to be with you for the good times.

For better or worse.

In sickness and in health, and

- all that.
- I know you're anxious for me to propose.

The last thing
I want to be is a distraction.

Why? Come here.
You're the opposite of that, okay?

And we are going to get married
as soon as this campaign's over.

- Assuming you'll wanna marry a loser.
- Stop that right now.

And stop listening to James and McAfee

and their poll-tested ideas.

I've been doing some of my own polling.

Your climate-change ideas
are really resonating with new voters,

- young voters.
- Thank you.

They're the key.

They're a mirage, okay?
The white whale of politics.

Campaigns chase them,

but the stats don't lie.
Young people don't vote.

Twenty percent of eligible voters
18-25 actually vote.

They get all fired up, right?
About the g*ns and,

you know, climate change
and economic inequality.

And then, they just sit around,
drinking lattes on Wednesday morning,

saying,
"Oh, wasn't the election yesterday?"

Okay, stop making things complicated.

One issue:

The climate.

Hit it hard, over and over.

That's how you're going to win.

You're so smart,

and I'm so in love with you.

And I know what I have to do
to win this race:

Go to LA
and get my mom to drop out of hers.

My mother returned from Bhutan
with a new sense of purpose.

She was penniless from her divorce,

but she found her renewed purpose
as the top fundraiser and de facto leader

of a program called "Oceana 2."

Their mission is to catch dolphins,
one by one,

and carefully operate to remove plastics
from their digestive tracts.

My mom found out
about Oceana 2 from Infinity.

Infinity had become
quietly passionate about the environment

during her book tour.

She even considered changing her last name
to "Degrees"

to bring attention
to the ever-warming climate.

Her and my mom had been
Instagram buddies for a couple of years,

so when my mom was looking
for a way to get involved

with fighting climate change,
Infinity was happy

to make all the necessary introductions.

It was in her capacity as fund-raiser
that my mother found herself

at billionaire Alison Mendelsohn's
Malibu mansion

for a Game of Thrones finale
viewing party.

Alison was a huge Game of Thrones fan.

Her opinion of the final episodes was

less than enthusiastic.

Mom falls in love almost as easily
as she falls out of it.

She and Alison became inseparable.

I understand that she'd lost
everyone important to her

when Ser Jorah and Missandei
and the other dragon d*ed,

but are they saying that every woman
who goes through a hard time

- goes completely psycho?
- Can we talk about something else?

We are in a climate emergency!

California emission standards
are being threatened.

Our agribusinesses can't find workers.

Wildfire season is year-round.

And manufacturers are abusing
our lax organic-labeling laws.

You're constantly complaining
about this stuff.

Why don't you just run for governor?

You know what?

I will.

She was ahead in the polls
within moments

- of announcing her candidacy.
- That's great.

So, I said to Kissinger, "That's okay,

Princess Margaret and I aren't wearing
any underwear either."

Men loved her, women loved her:

Rich, poor, liberal, conservative.

When my mother shines her light on you,
it feels like all is right in the world.

At that moment, she was shining that light
across the entirety

of the great state of California.

Between her natural abilities
and Alison's bottomless pockets,

your mom is sucking up
all of the Hobart political oxygen.

It isn't just the press or the pundits.

The people love her.

Every time I talk to a reporter,
they just ask about her.

And... And when we send
those "get out the vote" e-mails,

over half the responses are:

"Why am I getting this?
I can't vote in California."

She's stealing my thunder.

Am I a terrible son for doing this?

Get going.
You're gonna miss your flight.

And don't worry.

When has she ever denied you
something you've asked of her? Hmm?

Everyone, stand by. Ten seconds.
Please take your seats.

In five, four, three, two...

Welcome to the first California
gubernatorial debate from CNN.

Welcome. We have two hours.

Still, I'd like to get right into it.

Uh, Assemblyman Andrich,
I'd like to start with you.

Forty-five percent of state revenue
in California

comes from the top 1 percent of earners.

You're proposing a 30-percent tax cut

for that 1 percent,

creating, by your own math,

a budget shortfall of $500 billion.

- How do you close that gap?
- First of all,

Californians are some of the most taxed
human beings on the planet.

And I wanna lower taxes
on middle-class families,

who are the true engine
of the state's economy.

Miss Hobart, would you care to respond?

No, I don't. He's a creep,
and his poll numbers reflect that.

All right, uh, Ms. Hobart,
uh, but let's stay with you.

This week, you stated at a fundraiser
that you thought Californians should

take time out of their day to, quote,

"hug a tree."

How do you respond to voters who think
your campaign is just not serious?

Have you ever seen a redwood, Jake?
In person?

Every human being who has ever seen
a redwood in real life

has gone up to that tree and hugged it,

and, for one fleeting moment,

felt more grateful to be alive

and more humble to be
in the state of California,

one of the most beautiful places on earth.

The people who think
my campaign is unserious

are dishonest journalists

who do not know me
and have made no attempt to contact me,

and right-wing Republican
news organizations

who've been engaged
in decades-long propaganda

to divide this country
along any number of cultural lines,

because they make a ton of money doing it.

And they're good at it! They've won!

We can't agree on policy in this country,

because we can't agree on facts.

Okay, I'd like to move on.

And that's why I think California

should secede from the Union.

I'm sorry. Would you care to elaborate?

California should be
its own independent country.

Most of our federal tax dollars
go out of state

to people who think
that we are pot-smoking,

Satan-worshipping abortion doctors
or something.

Who can't shut up

about how our high taxes
are strangling the private sector.

And yet, somehow,
California manages to remain

the world leader

in growth, industry,

innovation, and culture.

We have the best public-university system

in the history of humankind.

So maybe,

just maybe, we are doing something right.

And you have to ask yourself, eventually,

"Are we ever gonna change their minds?

Are we ever gonna change them?"

No!

This state is in a bad marriage.

And what do you do
when you're in a bad marriage?

You get a divorce.

Sorry, Texas
and West Virginia and Alabama,

I'm sure you're beautiful
deep down inside,

but we're moving on.

And New York, if you're listening,

why don't you join us?
We'd make a great country.

Illinois?

We'd be totally down for that too.

And if you're watching at home

and this sounds interesting to you,

go to my website or use the hashtag

"let's get the Cal outta here."

Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Please, quiet down, everyone.

No one's gonna go see a movie
that's just two hours

of Sia silently making snacks.

So, I see Mom got you two jobs
at Alison Mendelsohn's movie company?

Yeah.

She didn't mind
we don't have college degrees.

Eh, don't judge us.
We're actually making a difference.

Also, I hear you're ten points down.

- For the moment.
- Yeah, good luck with that.

Boys, are we really gonna continue
to poke at each other

after all that we've been through?

We've come out the other side
so much better.

Payton has a new campaign,

you boys are employed,

I have a new love, a new passion.

Can't say the same for Dad.

Your father was actually
always very drawn to tradition and ritual,

so I bet you this is the most settled
he's ever been in his life.

Becoming an Orthodox Jew?

Yes. I hear he married a lovely Jewess

who wears a wig, and they're very happy.

Why don't you boys run along

so that Payton and I
can properly catch up?

She never makes us sandwiches.

Agh.

You look wonderful.

Isn't Alison great?

I mean,
I know she's a little single-minded,

but all great women are.

Mom, I need you to end your campaign.

What?

But I'm going to win.

Yes, and I am going to lose.

Your candidacy is k*lling my dream.

But... is it my fault
that you're ten points behind?

Mom, I love you,
but you are a distraction.

I'm this big, bright star standing
right next to the sun.

In broad daylight.

Well, then,
you're gonna need to shine brighter,

not ask me to dim.

But I've tried everything.

You haven't tried being yourself.

I'm a politician. I have no self.

Well, then, you're gonna have to find one
that's authentic as possible

so that voters believe that you do.

People don't believe you
because you don't believe you.

Maybe I'm not even good at this.

You know?

Maybe our privileged upbringing
gave me a false sense of confidence.

What if...
What if I'm no different than the twins?

Honey, those boys are Ferraris
with golf-cart engines.

You are the real deal.

You're just driving
in the wrong direction.

How can you be so sure?

Because I'm your mother,
and I know you better than anyone.

It's about authenticity, Payton, okay?

Okay.

I'm here to see Hadassah Gold.

- And who are you?
- Andrew.

I wanna be an intern.

Well, okay.
If you'd like to fill out an application,

why don't you go somewhere else?

Because we don't hire interns.

Hmm.

I saw the way you looked me up and down.
You othered me.

Are you aware that the width
of the doorway I just walked through

is not compliant
with the Americans with Disabilities Act?

Well, you made it just fine,
so congratulations.

Let me read to you
from the subchapter on employment.

Great, and while you do that,

I'm just gonna rub the side
of my nose here with my middle finger.

Just hold right there.

I'm going to take a picture of you

and then tweet it

with the word "bigot"

to the American Association
of People with Disabilities.

Holy f*ck, you little sh*t.

I'm gonna get you
in to Hadassah right now.

Bitch is gonna tear you a new one.

So, I graduated in June,
with a BA in mathematics...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I don't know what you said to Sherry,

but she hates you,

which brightens my day immensely.

Ha! You're hired.
You're gonna be my Sherry whisperer.

And by whisperer, I mean tormentor. Ugh!

What a bitch.

Okay, great.

And a math major, huh? Fantastic!

We're bringing in
all this new IT bullshit,

brand-new computers, a whole data team.

That's what campaigns
are all about these days, evidently.

Uh, thank you, Ms. Gold.

This is a dream come true.

Find yourself a desk somewhere.

Well, hello.

I thought about it, and I'm in.

- I love the cloak-and-dagger routine.
- I'll do it on one condition.

When I run for office,
whenever that may be,

you run my campaign.

- Sounds fun. I like it.
- Good.

So, you have a problem.
Your candidate's in a throuple.

I beg your pardon?

A three-way relationship.

And Payton knows about it.
So, you should get on that.

So, how is the campaign going?
I see you're well ahead.

Well, that's what Hadassah tells me,
and, um

honestly, it's old hat, at this point.

This is, like,
my 12th or 13th campaign.

Yeah, but the kid is
only ten points behind you.

Yes, sure. I mean... I mean, look

there are a lot of people in my district
that aren't that engaged.

All they only ever want to do
is lodge a protest vote

saying, "F the system."

And, you know, here's this fetus,
and then there are a lot of young people

who are very excited
about the idea of somebody like that.

You know how it is.
It's part of the landscape.

But see, that's what worries me.

Senator, you're... you're worried?

The people you're talking about,

the ones who get excited
about voting for a kid.

At reelection, that slice of the pie
is getting bigger and bigger.

And your voters,

the ones who cast a ballot
in every election for the past 40 years,

I hate to say it, but they're dying off.

I'm sorry.

- Are you suggesting that I'm too old?
- Oh, come on.

Because I thought that's
what drew you to me:

My pragmatism, my experience,

to make up for the fact that you

haven't been doing this for very long.

I'm saying it could be used against us.

When I look at your campaign,

who's running it, the slogans, you

it reeks of old politics.

And it's not me who's smelling it.
It's the 20 percent of your constituency

who would rather vote for a kid
than vote for you.

You can't let this kid get closer to you
than ten points.

If he does,

I'm gonna have serious questions
about your viability as a running mate.

Dede, we have a family emergency.

Hi, Senator, so sorry to interrupt.

You need to come with me.

I'll... I'll call you, Senator.
Where are we going?

To your house.

- What the hell is happening?
- Shut your f*cking mouth.

I know about the throuple.

How did you think
you were gonna get away with this?

I don't know
whether to be furious or betrayed.

And then I'm like,
"Hadassah, why should you have to choose?"

Can we just lower the temperature in here
for a second?

You lower the temperature, Marcus!

Or if it's too hot in here,

why don't the three of you all
just take off your clothes?

- You're sure that they know?
- Yes, I'm sure.

It was one of their staffers who told me.

That's how I found out.

Instead of from one of the actual members
of the throuple,

which is what should've happened.

Okay, but as far as we know,
no one else knows.

Yeah, and how long
do you think that's gonna last?

Why didn't you tell me?

Hadassah, this was always
a personal and private matter.

We... We thought the best way
for it to remain a secret

- was if only the three of us knew.
- Honestly, I thought you knew.

- You what?
- Yeah.

No.

I didn't know.

I thought he was your great friend
or something.

Or maybe you were a little gay
or whatever.

Or maybe the two of you
had something going on on the side,

but never in my life did I imagine
that the three of you... What? What?

You pushed two queen-sized beds together

and daisy-chained each other to sleep
every night?

Hey! If you're gonna be rude...

Get used to it, pal.

sh*t's gonna get real rude

when this is a blind item
on Page Six one day,

and the next, it's splashed
over the front pages

of every newspaper on earth!

Hadassah!

This is manageable.

Oh, no, Dede,

vehicular manslaughter is manageable.

This... is batshit!

That's what I mean! If it does come out...

We don't even know if it will...
We just deny, deny, deny.

Because, frankly, it does sound like
some cockamamie, far-right,

Republican talking point
that oozed out of the lunatic fringe

like... like a pedophile ring being run
out of a DC pizza parlor,

or Antonin Scalia getting m*rder*d.

Here, you and I know just about

every political journalist in New York
by name,

and if they got a blind item

that Dede Standish was in a throuple,

that a woman over 40

had even an ounce of sexual allure
or desire

which they don't think we do,
and they are wrong

they would just...

They would die laughing
before they could run it by their editor.

And even if they look,
they won't find anything.

I mean, we've been in public
a few times together, but that's it.

You asked how we thought
we could get away with this.

Well, we've been getting away with this
for ten years!

Do they have proof?

Do they have a salacious photo or a video?

A video? Oh, my God.

You do videos?

No, no, no. Of course we don't do videos.

Oh, thank God.

No, no, it was the staffer.

She told me she saw you...
You three kissing,

which

- just the mental picture.
- So, one mistake, once.

And we knew it. We talked about it
in the limo on the way home

- as we were all making out...
- Making out.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

And swore that this
would never happen again.

That's the night we get caught.

Right, but it's just an image
in some girl's head.

It's a memory of what she thinks she saw.
She has no proof.

It'll just be her word.

Come on.

Look, I know this is not ideal,

and I'm sorry that we kept it from you.

I understand that you feel
that we betrayed your trust, and.

I, and...
We're gonna do everything

to gain your trust back again.

No.

It's me or him.

You two end this tonight,

or I walk, and I walk forever.

Like a f*cking Jewish Highlander.

We'll discuss it and get back to you.

No, Dede, you never see him again,

you never speak to him again.

Look,
I'm sure you're a very nice pivot man,

but it's over, okay?

No.

It isn't over.

I am not giving up the best thing
in my life

just because some 22-year-old
f*cking rich kid

thinks he has something on me!

You idiot. I don't give a sh*t
about Payton Hobart.

It's Tino I care about. Tino.

What is gonna happen
when he gets wind of this?

What do you think he's gonna do?

You're not gonna become
the vice president of the United States.

The ship has sailed, Dede.

Sailed.

No, no. No, no, no.

Mm.

Well, this is what I call
coming to your senses.

Keep it up.

So, what is this again?

Infinity's thing,
Rally for Climate Action.

I don't get it.

What's Infinity's deal?

I thought she was a best-selling author.
Now she's a climate activist?

Yeah, what a bitch, right?
How dare she use her notoriety

to raise awareness about the greatest
long-term thr*at to human civilization?

You're an ass. Here's your speech.

Okay.

And it is now

my pleasure to introduce
a dear friend of mine

who's running for state senate,
which is totally a thing,

Payton Hobart!

I don't need this.

What?

Hello, Infinity.

- Thanks for being here.
- Thanks for having me.

Thank you to Infinity!

You know, Infinity and I, uh,
we went to high school together.

- Uh, she was my running mate, actually.
- True.

And can I tell you what my first act

- as student body president was?
- Yeah!

It was real simple:

To ban the use of plastic straws
on campus, right?

Yes!

Yes, like you,
I thought it was a total no-brainer.

It's a... It's a concrete solution
we can implement overnight

that would make
a significant environmental impact

and would show the world
our generation's commitment

- to protecting the environment.
- Yeah!

But when I presented this plan
to the school board,

I was laughed out of the room.

They called me naive.

They called the plan "outlandish."

They admitted that it was
the right thing to do,

but they said it just couldn't be done.

This is exactly what our generation
is dealing with, friends.

These are the adults in the room,

and they don't even have the backbone
to take on straws?

Now, listen. Every one of us here today
knows that we are in a generational fight

that will determine our species' future
on this planet.

But politicians like Dede Standish...

They cannot accept our urgency
to clean up this mess,

because if they did,
they would have to admit

that they are the ones who made it!

Well, Senator Standish,
if you are listening today,

I do not want my children
and my grandchildren

living in a New York City
with 20-foot sea walls

holding back a dying ocean
on a scorched Earth

with tens of millions
of climate refugees...

- No. No.
- And fascist governments

around the globe

are committing wholesale genocide

while we fight for dwindling supplies
of food and water!

That is where this world is headed
if we continue to do nothing,

Dede Standish. And when you say
that we can't afford to take action,

I say this:
It's because of your generation's policies

that my generation has no other choice!

- Amazing. He's amazing.
- Thank you very much!

But, my friends, we do have one choice,
and that's on Election Day.

You, all of you, each and every one of you

who has voted with your feet today,

by showing the world
where your priorities lie,

you have the chance on November 5th

to preserve humanity's future
on this planet and in this city.

You. You are the solution.

Our generation is gonna save this planet,

and I'm going to do everything
in my power to help you do so!

Thank you very much!

Unbelievable!

This is being livestreamed.

- That was good.
- This is gonna go viral.

I liked that.
Let's do more of that.

It doesn't exist. The albino lobster?

It's a legend.

They say it's one-in-a-hundred-million
chance that you find one.

Better chance of winning
the Mega Millions.

Well, which is it? Does it not exist,

or is it a one-in-a-hundred-million
chance?

Can I give you some advice?

Maybe it's not the white lobster
you're looking for.

- Maybe it's something else.
- Like a blue lobster?

No. Like, maybe the white lobster
represents what you really want

but you can't have.

But you're looking for the lobster

so you don't have
to think about the real thing.

I've actually seen a blue lobster.

Pretty rare.

I love someone, okay?

Two someones,

and I can't have them.

That's why I ran away
to work on a lobster boat,

so I don't have to think about them.

So I don't have to think about anything.
So, please, stop talking to me!

Can't you at least pretend
not to hate everyone here?

Why pretend in a room full of fakes?

They're never going to tell you
what they really think, anyway.

These are voters
from every Hollywood guild and academy.

Why are my voters so awful
and yours are so perfect?

The difference is this:

I want to help my voters,

and you want your voters to help you.

Old-fashioned, not too sweet, right?

- Yes. Uh, that or...
- Martini up. Extra olives.

I have the top oppo researchers
in the game.

I'm Tino McCutcheon,

junior senator
for the great state of Texas.

Mmm!

Yes, I believe I've seen you
on television.

Were you doing some sort of triathlon?

Well, between you and I,

I'm positioning myself
for a presidential run next year.

My advisers feel it's wise to lean into
my virility and sex appeal, so

a shirtless politician
produces millions in free advertising.

I'll keep that in mind.

So, what brings you here?

Fundraising? I hope not.

These limousine liberals
are full of passion

until you ask them to write a check.

Not exactly. I have a proposal for you.

I'm seeing someone...

I think.

Not that kind of proposal.

My wife slipped into a coma two years ago.

Complications from
a severe case of trichinosis.

They don't know if she'll ever wake up,

and even if she does,
there will most certainly be brain damage.

Well, you're a very good husband
for staying by her side.

My husband slipped into a coma for a week,
and I was one foot out the door.

Well, I hate to say it,
but it's been great for me, politically.

Uh...

I've been paying attention
to your campaign.

You have a gift.

Well

people have always found me interesting,
for some reason.

My father said you can't teach charisma.

He would have known.
He was a great big fat man,

and the ladies couldn't keep away.

Yeah. Ideas don't win campaigns anymore.

Values certainly don't.

Nowadays, the guy who gets elected
is the guy who gets the most attention.

P. T. Barnum would be our next president
if he were alive.

I never liked the circus.

Those poor elephants.

I'm looking to make a splash

and separate myself
from the other candidates

by announcing my running mate early.

I'd like to offer the position to you.

Good Lord,

that's a terrible idea.

I... I don't think I would play very well
in Iowa or Wisconsin.

I'm a water sign.

We don't need 'em.

Just do the Electoral College math.

If we take Texas, California,
Florida, Michigan, and New York,

we can cobble together
enough of the forever-blue

to make it to 270.

The VP is a real job now.

You could spearhead
my environmental campaign.

And what is that?

I don't have one yet.

That's why I need you.

Why else?

Honestly, I don't know exactly.

I just know I saw you at that debate,

and I have not stopped
thinking about you since.

Shall we go get a shrimp cocktail?

All right.

We tried it without you.

And it was like clapping with one hand.

- We love you, William.
- Well, I love you,

which means I would never get in the way
of all your dreams coming true.

I am so tired

of having my personal life judged
by a different criteria

because I'm a woman.

If a man came out and proudly proclaimed
that he was in a polyamorous relationship

with two brilliant and beautiful women,

the public and the press
would call him a hero.

Remember Warren Buffet?

Wait, are you saying you...
You want to go public?

No, no. Not... Not yet.

I need both of you to be my best self,

and I need to be my best self
in order to win.

I stink of lobster.

Kiss me.

And... melt me like butter.

Mmm!

Let's go.

What does Morning Consult say?

You've dropped another nine points.
Forty-eight percent her, 19 percent you,

- the rest undecided.
- Okay, we need ideas, people, right now.

- Hey, uh, now really isn't a good time.
- I have dirt.

Sit down.
Everybody out, please. Clear the room.

Clear the room. Thank you.

First, I want your office.

- What?
- Your office.

I want it.

F... Fine.

I don't know what happened,
who they hired,

but the Standish campaign
is not stuck in the '90s anymore.

They've installed state-of-the-art IT,

they've hired a K-Street consulting firm,

who's rented out
a whole floor for social media

and another for the new data team.

- We're f*cked.
- How is that dirt?

Patience.

But I've gotten in deep.

I gave Hadassah and Dede each
one of those little waving cats

you get in Chinatown,

but the little cats
are holding campaign signs.

They loved them.

Dede took two, one for her office
and one for her home.

Oh, my God, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Inside each cat is a wireless transmitter.

- Yes, but then, what is he?
- I'm bugging them.

And with the help
of my little Chinese kitten friends,

I've learned two things...

Okay, hold on, hold on. We are bugging
our political opponents now?

Everybody remember how well that went
for Richard Nixon?

Okay?

Look, what... whatever you found out,
I don't want to know.

Oh, quit pretending you're not
as slimy as the rest of them.

Do us all a favor and just embrace it.

Hadassah broke up the throuple,

but they're secretly still boning.

Also,

Dede Standish doesn't care
about this race.

Tino McCutcheon is running for president,

and he's considering her for VP.

Also, I'd like $5,000 in cash
by the end of the day.

Which of these do you think is most you?

Spectacle over substance,

or integrity über alles?

Uh, which one sells more albums?

That's my guy.

Is this really gonna be
my eternal question: Who am I?

Shouldn't I have that figured out?

Am I jazz? Am I hip-hop?

Opera?

You know, my mother says
I need to be my authentic self to win,

but I still have no idea what that is.

- Are you winning?
- No.

Then you're not being your authentic self.

Okay, well, I shouldn't have to rely
on polling numbers

to judge if I'm being
true to myself or not.

That would make me a terrible person.

Empty. Just completely unable
to have any sense of self

without relying on outside influences.

Or maybe it would just confirm you
as a true politician.

Do you want to do good in the world?

Is your motivation for governing
to empower the powerless?

Yes!

Doesn't sound like
a terrible person to me.

I think you just need to stop
being so ashamed of wanting to win.

It's time you stopped
seeing the world as binary.

Right and wrong.

Good and bad.

Doesn't sound like you.

I'm not me.

I'm the little voice in your head
that helps you be you.

And that true you

changes over time.

As you get older,
the world gets more complicated.

You have to get more complicated too.

Well, I can't change the world
if I don't win.

So, how is not doing
everything in my power to win

the decent thing to do?

Huh?

How could it be a sin to...
To destroy the powerful

in order to lift up the powerless?

Yeah.

I'm a winner.

That is... That is my authentic self.

Excuse me?

Nothing. Sorry. I have to go.

There's a certain manner
in which I intended to run my campaign.

You know, I... I had an idea
of the candidate that I wanted to be.

Very polite,

stick to the issues, no dirty politics,
but, you know, I realized something.

That's...

That is just not me, right?

I... The authentic me had something
fall into his authentic lap.

A lurid little story about
a certain candidate and her throuple.

Now, the old Payton would've buried it,

but the authentic Payton
is going to release it.

I have a press release all ready to go

and a call in to Page Six.

This is outlandish...

But, but, but, but...

Liar. She saw you kissing,
and you know it's true.

What agreement can we come to
to make this go away?

Oh, see, that's more like it.

Now, Senator, I know that you have visions
for a larger political career.

I know that you wanna be
the vice president.

And that can still very much happen
if you drop out of this race,

- citing medical reasons.
- Oh.

Now...
Your husband will have a heart att*ck.

There's a cardiologist at Columbia.
He's already drawn up all the paperwork.

You and I will hold
a joint press conference.

You will drop out of the race,
citing Marcus's health.

You endorse me to replace you.

The throuple story... dies.

And you're still well on your way
to the VP slot.

- How's that sound?
- You insufferable little prick!

Ooh, reminder, she was in a throuple,
and I have evidence.

You really are an evil little troll.

No, really, I want to win.

Give me what I want,
and you get to win too.

Excuse me.

- Are you sure, darling?
- Of course.

Of course. It was wrong of me
to ask you to drop out,

and... it won't be necessary.

We're both gonna win.

- I love you, Mom.
- I love you.

Everything okay?

Couldn't be better.

I imagine that was hard.
But don't pack it up just yet.

Payton was in a threesome too.