01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[MAN]

It was a waking dream, the kind that arrives in the twilight between sleep and the real world.

I sat straight up in bed and said out loud, "I'm going to be President of the United States.

" It does seem to be the hot job everyone aspires to nowadays.

The air of impossibility has been removed.

I had that dream when I was seven years old, Dean Lawrence, and I've spent my entire life studying the lives of former presidents to identify common experiences and traits that led to their inevitable election victories.

Such as?

I only went back as far as Reagan.

As far as I'm concerned, he created the modern presidency, the presidency of television and celebrity.

People like to think of their presidents as characters they see on TV.

Most never actually see them in real life.

Reagan and Bush Sr.

were both presidents of their senior classes in high school.

Which, I assume, you are on your way to accomplishing.

I believe I have the election well in hand, yes.

Interestingly, Reagan, Clinton, and Obama were all born into poverty while the Bushes were both highborn.

How do you reconcile that with your master plan?

Well, I have the good fortune of being born both rich and poor.

Your family has generational wealth.

Yes, true, but I'm also the only son of a cocktail waitress from the Landing Strip Gentlemen's Club in Laconia, New Hampshire.

- You're adopted.

- Yes.

Why Harvard, Payton?

Harvard's produced more presidents than any other school.

Seven.

Hmm.

Well, I appreciate that.

You're clearly a very well-prepared young man.

Polished.

Thank you, Dean Lawrence.

But I'm not here to see the polish.

You're concerned about my GPA?

- Because I've - I don't care about your grades.

I want to know you.

The real you.

Have you ever been compelled to go meet your birth mother?

No.

My real mother has always been my greatest champion and closest confidant.

When was the last time you cried?

I cried at the end of It's a Wonderful Life last Christmas.

Everyone cries at the end of that movie.

I know.

Did you cry because you were moved or because you felt like you were supposed to?

Does it matter?

[SUFJAN STEVENS' "CHICAGO" PLAYING]

I fell in love again All things go, all things go Drove to Chicago All things know, all things know You came to take us All things go, all things go To recreate us All things grow, all things grow We had our mindset All things know All things know You had to find it All things go, all things go

[GULLS CRYING]

[BELL RINGS]

You were great.

I've noticed every time we have sex, no matter what I do, you seem to really enjoy it.

I don't know, I feel like, maybe, sometimes, you're faking it.

I am.

Wh I don't like you pretending.

I mean, aren't we supposed to be generating intimacy?

Sure, but we're also giving you the self-confidence you need to become the man I know you can be.

I know you watch p*rn.

Your brain is wired to enjoy sex that's presentational.

- Okay, but I don't want presentational.

- [GIGGLES]

I want authentic.

I will do better at appearing more authentic from now on.

I don't want you to appear authentic, I want you to be authentic.

I don't understand.

What's the difference?

[STAMMERS]

[SIGHS]

I promise to be more real from now on.

- Where you going?

- I have a surf lesson.

We're going back to Hawaii this Christmas and I refuse to let my dad call me Barney and vanquish me to the ankle busters.

Let there be one place he doesn't find me a complete disappointment.

Hey, he thinks you're great.

He thinks I'm pretty.

And he likes pretty things.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MAN]

River! - River! - [RIVER]

I'm in here.

You traitor.

You backstabbing son of a bitch.

You know how important this is to me.

How dare you run against me?

- Oh, I know.

Listen, calm down - No.

You calm down.

I have the floor now.

Since when have you wanted to be the president?

This wasn't even your idea, was it?

No, it was Astrid's idea.

She said I had to do it if I had a sh*t of getting into Stanford and I had to do something to get my parents off my back.

Screw you.

Do you not understand you're gonna b*at me?

Okay?

You're better looking than me.

You're more popular, co-captain of the lacrosse team, so You're blowing this thing way out of proportion.

The moment you win, I'll tell everyone that we had sex and you're living a lie.

So, there's that.

- Payton.

- I'm warning you, do not screw with my dream.

All right?

I'm on a singular path.

Okay?

You're not gonna get in the way, e or I swear to God, I will make you pay.

Okay?

So don't mess with me, River.

Are we clear?

I've never seen you like this.

I don't recognize this person.

Well, I don't care, okay?

I'm not a box, right?

I don't need to have four sides for you to look at and approve of, okay?

I have I have feelings, River.

These aren't feelings, you're just hysterical.

Well, this is the true me.

This is who I am.

I'm a winner.

I'mma win at all costs.

I know what my future's gonna be and I know how to get there.

And I will not be stopped.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS, ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[WOMAN]

We have time for one more question each before closing statements.

Payton, Mark Twain's classic novel Huckleberry Finn is part of this school's freshman year English curriculum.

Do you believe racial epithets should be removed from Huck Finn before it is taught to students?

Hmm.

Well, first of all, thank you, Vicki, for your years of service as part of our yearbook club, and thank you for what is a very thoughtful and provocative question.

Now, this question doesn't have an easy answer, so all I can give you is an honest answer.

No.

We should not be rewriting literary giants like Mark Twain.

Mark Twain loathed racial inequality, and through the eyes of Huckleberry Finn, he was attempting to shine a light on the the heinous, shameful sin of sl*very, and the systemic racism that pervaded every aspect of his life in the environment in which he was raised.

But make no mistake, the racism that Mark Twain wrote about has not been banished to the ash heap of history, it's with us in this room today.

Right?

It's different, to be sure.

It's more subtle.

But we have a long way to go towards true racial equality in this country, and as student body president, I'll ensure every student at this school has an equal opportunity to succeed, regardless of their color, creed, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, genetic information, or disability.

If you choose to honor me by electing me, I will fight for each and every one of you so as long as there is strength in me to fight.

So, give me your vote, and help me lead this great school into the future.

Thank you.

[MOUTHING]

[MAN]

River, last question.

Uh, should the school be able to limit the size of sugary drinks sold at Saint Sebastian?

[SIGHS]

Um I mean Yeah?

No?

Who cares?

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

No, sorry.

I appreciate the question, it's a good question.

I think it's important that we make smart decisions about the food we eat.

I just feel like, it's hardly the most pressing thing that any of us are dealing with.

- The world is dark, yeah?

- [SOFTLY]

Oh, my.

And I think teenagers nowadays realize that.

And I don't know, it kind of feels like the world's ending.

So, you know, if a 42-ounce Mountain Dew makes you happy, - I say go for it.

- [CROWD CHEERING]

I keep thinking that, uh, the only thing we all share together is that we're all alone.

And we take pictures, and we post them, and we Facebook and Insta and Tweet and Snap and everything and it just makes it worse.

[WHISPERS]

Ah, man.

[TREMBLING SIGH]

I tried to k*ll myself last year.

Yeah, I never I never told anyone that.

[CHUCKLES]

This is weird, I'm up here, you guys Can we Can I come down there and talk to you?

This is We're friends.

We know each other - [CHEERING]

- We don't have to do this.

- We can have a serious conversation.

- Okay, he's walking.

So, it was, uh, like, about a year ago, and I don't know, I was just feeling really depressed.

Not even depressed, just just hopeless, because, um because I felt so alone.

And I, uh I was afraid I was always gonna feel that way.

- He's crying.

This is bad, this is bad.

- And, so I I went home after lax practice one day and I was working out at home and something made me take a 45-pound plate and, uh I tied it to my ankle and I went out to my pool and I jumped in the deep end.

[BREATH TREMBLING]

And, for a second, I was really I was really ready to die.

And then I, like, realized.

I was, like, "River, what did you just do?

" And I panicked and I tried to get the rope off my ankle and I couldn't.

And I just remember looking up at the surface of the water and thinking, "No one's here, man.

You're gonna die alone.

" [SOBS SOFTLY]

And then, um next thing I remember I was floating at the surface.

[GASPS]

There's no cool ending to the story, it's just the rope untied itself from the weight.

- I don't know, I never did Boy Scouts.

- [ALL CHUCKLING]

No one was there.

Oh, God, he's sweating like Nixon.

I don't want anyone here at this school to ever feel like that.

It's really important to me that all of you know that your lives have value.

And that they're important.

That you're important.

That's all I got to say.

I love this guy.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

[VICKI]

Candidates, it's now time for your closing statements.

[SOFT STAMMER]

I'll pick it up.

People lie, numbers don't.

River's ahead of you ten points post-debate.

And if you dig down the tabs at the polls, he is leading you in looks, charisma, and, most importantly, authenticity.

Basically crushing you in that department.

Especially after that masterclass he put on during the debate.

Girls love it when a guy who looks like that cries.

Not blubbery at all, more of a silent, sexy cry.

Okay, fine, why don't all of you just vote for him, then?

Our loyalty is with you, Payton.

This is a plane.

We're all headed to the same place.

You're the pilot, James and I are your navigators.

Neither one of us knows how to fly like you can.

We need you to get us to the White House, but we wouldn't be doing our job if we weren't being honest with you.

If we don't tell it like it is, we'll all crash.

Okay, what's my next move?

We need to get you a running mate that softens you up.

Someone undeniably real.

I recommend a student from the special ed class.

I believe the proper modern vernacular for them is "differently abled.

" So, you're going for the sympathy vote, am I right?

What do you mean?

Well, it's not like we're super good friends.

Been going to school together for three years, the most you and I have ever said to each other is, "Hello.

" So, you obviously have some sort of strategy in mind.

The only strategy I'm interested in is being a president for every student at this school.

That includes people like you, who traditionally have not been well represented in student government.

What exactly does that mean, "people like me"?

C'mon.

I mean someone with a disability, someone who might enjoy sharing the spotlight for once and having a hand in shaping the culture at this school.

And "student body vice president" looks pretty good on a college application.

Oh, how thrilling.

What, so you are not even gonna consider it?

[MAN]

Eat a fat one! John McCain tried that.

It was a disaster.

[SIGHS]

Your family once hired Pinkertons to bust up union organizers.

You have three lesser Picassos in your housekeeper's room in your home.

Annie Leibovitz took your family Christmas card photo last year and you have a 4.

3 GPA.

You're untouchable.

You need a running mate that can humanize you.

So, what kind of music do you like?

Britney Spears and Insane Clown Posse.

Yeah, me too.

If you had the chance to stand up in front of the whole school, and you could say anything you wanted, what would you say?

I don't know.

Well, what would you want to get off your chest?

Like, if you could change one thing, what would it be?

Everyone should quit being a faker.

Alice?

What do you think?

I love you.

Unconditionally.

You are the front man of my favorite rock band, you are the star of my favorite movie, you are my king of kings.

Nothing is going to stop you from winning this election and turning this school upside down.

But you've got to listen to your advisors.

[WOMAN]

I'm just so happy to be alive.

I love when I can get outside into the sunshine and smell the ocean, you know?

- Are you not eating lunch?

- [BEETHOVEN'S "FÜR ELISE" PLAYING]

No.

No, with the chemo I don't always have an appetite.

My Nana says I have to eat, but it's just the medicine I take, it makes everything taste so spicy.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I I cannot imagine what that must be like.

High school is hard enough as it is.

I just don't look at it that way.

I think that every day is a gift.

And every time that I wake up, even if I have to get a platelet transfusion from Dr.

Sengal, I think to myself, "A lot of kids around the world don't have the same medical care that I do.

So If that's what I have to go through, that's God's plan.

" I'm looking for a VP candidate, because I'm running for student body president.

Yes, I heard.

Andrea told me.

She's, um She said you were good at the debate.

She takes notes for me when I can't be at school.

[PAYTON]

Mmm.

I wish I could've been there, but a lot of nice people heard about my chemo and they paid for me to go to Disneyland with my Nana, and we got to skip all the lines and it was so much fun.

[GIGGLING]

Best day ever! What?

What are you ?

Why are you looking at me like that?

[STAMMERS]

I don't know.

I just I really like you, Infinity.

You're so real.

[BEETHOVEN'S "FÜR ELISE" CONTINUES]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

We'd like a table for two, please.

- Sure, do you have a reservation?

- Yes.

Jackson.

Dusty and Infinity Jackson.

I'm sorry.

I don't see a reservation under any of those names.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I know I definitely called.

Sorry.

We're fully booked until 9:30.

Would you like to make a reservation for then?

Karen, I want you to meet someone.

Infinity, say hello to Karen.

- Hello, Karen.

- Hi.

You were really looking forward to eating here, weren't you, babydoll?

- Uh-huh.

- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hell, I said, "Let's go to Coco's.

" I was so excited.

I love me some of that Coco's pot pie.

No, but you dug in.

You said, "I want Olive Garden, Nana.

" - [CHUCKLING]

- I want Olive Garden, Nana.

I do.

I just got my feeding tube taken out, and my Nana said, "Sure, yeah.

You want endless breadsticks, let's go for it.

" [SOFT CHUCKLE]

Why don't you tell Karen about your cancer?

Hmm?

You're in pain sometimes, aren't you?

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help overhear.

Uh, we're ahead of you, but we'd really like you to have our table.

- Oh, no.

No, we couldn't poss - [WOMAN]

Please, I insist.

We'd also like to pay for your meal.

Oh, I I don't know what to say.

Thank you so much.

[WOMAN]

It's our pleasure.

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Bye.

- [BUZZING]

- Ooh! [WHISTLES]

It's blinking.

I can take your buzzer.

[KAREN]

Right this way.

Thank you.

Enjoy your evening.

Thank you.

You too.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

It's so good.

Jesus H.

Christ.

It's like Rome.

I mean, all you can eat, and then a quick trip to the vomitorium.

Dining out used to be something you earned.

Well, like you have.

But Don't eat that fast! You're gonna yack it all up like a baby bird.

Spit it out.

Oh, Christ.

Look at that.

Jesus.

Don't forget, we have free tickets to the Florida Georgia Line concert on Friday night.

We're gonna be sitting right up in front, right in the handicap section, right next to the stage.

- Free tickets.

Wow, cool.

[CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.

So, how was school?

Okay.

Payton asked me to be his vice president.

Who's Payton?

He's a boy who's running for school president and he asked me to Jesus Christ, he's going to get more food.

Yeah.

What?

He asked you to be what?

He asked me to be his running mate.

- Yeah?

- I don't really know.

I mean, he's rich.

- He's really cute.

- Well, I hope you said yes.

I said no.

Why?

[SOFTLY]

I don't know.

[SOFTLY]

Sad.

I felt like he was using me, and I don't like to be used.

[DUSTY SIGHS]

You know what?

You're gonna finish your endless bread basket right now.

And tomorrow, you are gonna march up to that boy and you are going to say, "Thank you very much.

I accept your offer.

" Something like this could change your life.

Do you understand me?

You can be vice president.

Aim high.

Yeah.

You can get it all.

- Hi, Infinity.

- [GASPS]

Hi.

Jesus! So, listen, I just was wondering if you had thought any more about my offer.

- I've thought about it.

- Mm-hmm.

The answer is no.

- Why?

- I don't need to tell you.

[WOMAN WHISPERS]

Payton! We have a problem.

[RIVER]

That's why I'm proud to announce my running mate, your next student body vice president, Skye Leighton.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you so much, River.

And, uh, thank you for giving students at Saint Sebastian the historic opportunity to elect a gender non-conforming African-American to be their vice president.

Now, I can't promise that I'm always gonna agree with you.

I have a reputation for speaking my mind loudly when I disagree with someone, but I can promise you strength, fortitude, and the passion to make Saint Sebastian an amazing place.

- [CROWD CHEERING]

- Thank you.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUING]

River! Why are you doing this to me?

Why did you have to pick Skye Leighton?

Astrid said if I picked her, I'd have my best sh*t at winning.

Why are you listening to her?

She doesn't want what's good for you, she wants power.

You're the way she's gonna get it.

She's Lady Macbeth! - You gotta calm down.

- She's jealous of us, can't you see that?

That is why she's trying to take this away from me! Why are you hurting me?

[TREMBLING EXHALE]

You You have so much pain.

You don't need any of this.

You're gonna go to college and join the Peace Corps.

This isn't gonna help you.

I'm sorry.

I really did love you.

- [g*n COCKS, FIRES]

- [PAYTON]

No! I wanna bag a Shiras moose.

[ARROW THUDS]

I wanna bag a Siberian buffalo.

All right.

I wanna bag Margaret Edmund Meyers.

- Maggie Meyers?

- Yes, Maggie Meyers.

- I already did.

- Really?

- Full bush.

- Dude, nice! [PAYTON]

Firstly, it's illegal to hunt Siberian bison.

Secondly, when you talk about bagging things, you sound like douchebags, especially with your mother present.

You should totally come hunting with us, Payton.

Yeah, that way we could accidentally sh**t you in the back.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- That's enough! Yo, that's good, Mom.

It's for a series I'm doing to raise awareness and money for the Syrian w*r debt.

This is Orhan.

He was k*lled in an airstrike earlier in the year.

Bummer.

Are you boys gonna be back for dinner?

No, we have that event in support of eliminating net neutrality.

How can you be for eliminating net neutrality?

This family holds 54 million dollars in telecom stocks.

- He doesn't care, he's barely in the will.

- Boys! Why are you always defending him?

Because you're bullies.

And you're borderline psychopaths.

Of course you're in the will, same as them.

I saw to that.

Don't tell your father.

You know, I read this study from Columbia.

It says that it's impossible for a parent to love an adopted child as much as a biological one.

Parents are programmed to be drawn to the children that look most like them.

I would assume it has something to do with protecting bloodlines.

Well, I would say that's a flawed study, because I love you the most.

I always have.

You're just saying that because they grew up to be such jerkwads.

You're not wrong about that.

You can't teach kindness.

You know?

I tried for a long time.

Can't do much with small hearts.

Hard hearts, maybe, but not small ones.

I love them, don't get me wrong, I just The love has edges.

It doesn't go on and on the way my love for you does.

And you felt that way about me right away?

Like you were a part of me.

It wasn't a meeting, it was a reunion.

This funny, dark, Jewish hair.

These big Disney eyes.

And You were alone in the world.

And I suppose I felt that way about myself.

Don't ever listen to your brothers about who they say you are or what you might do in this world.

[GASPS]

[SINGSONG]

There's my surprise! [IN MANDARIN]

[GEORGINA]

Well, yes, of course.

Just follow the path up to the main house.

There's staff.

- You could've at least said hello.

- What is he doing here?

He's your new Mandarin tutor.

That's River Barkley, he's incredibly popular at school.

So are you.

Not his kind of popular.

And he's dating my arch-nemesis, Astrid Sloan.

She called me a f*g in second grade.

I'm not even gay.

Oh.

Well, he comes very highly recommended.

I suggest you make him like you - and have Astrid Sloan be very jealous.

- [SIGHS]

Fine.

[DOOR OPENS]

Every single one of these books is an autobiography.

- [DOOR SHUTS]

- Lincoln, Ross Perot, US Grant.

I like to read about how others achieved their greatness so that I can mimic what worked.

You know, fake it till you make it.

What?

I fake it a lot too.

People think I'm all calm.

I don't know if I really am.

It's sometimes like I'm feeling the whole world at once, you know?

Uh, where did you learn Mandarin?

My dad works for Goldman, so we lived in Shanghai until I was ten.

[IN MANDARIN]

- [CHUCKLES]

Do you want to start?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Yeah.

[PAYTON CLEARS THROAT]

[IN MANDARIN]

- [REPEATS PRONUNCIATION]

- [MIMICS]

How do you know I'm tense?

I just do.

You don't seem very happy.

Are you happy?

I try to be.

I try to be too.

[VOICE QUAVERS]

I really try.

It's so hard to have to try so hard all the time.

Um Okay, that was weird.

Um, how did you get me to be vulnerable like that?

I'm never like that.

[SNIFFLES]

I know.

It's just kinda a thing I do with people.

Maybe it was just what you needed.

What do you need?

[SPEAKING MANDARIN]

know what that means.

Can I kiss you?

See you next time?

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

[BELL RINGING]

[PAYTON]

Excuse me.

Languages?

- [WOMAN]

Third stack.

- [PAYTON]

Thank you.

[GASPS]

I'm gonna dive right in.

I know what's going on between you and River.

He told me what happened.

I was mad at first, but then I admired his honesty.

River and I have complete transparency.

I've always known he was fluid.

I am too, sorta.

And if you're the way he deals with that part of himself, that's fine.

But I want in too.

Come over to my house after school.

Let's all get it on.

Okay.

[SIRENS WAILING]

I don't know where the g*n came from.

Um He just turned away for a moment and then he had it in his hand and then he sh*t himself.

[OFFICER]

Son, look at me.

I never heard a sound like that before.

I need you to focus and tell me everything you remember.

What happened?

He k*lled himself.

He did this because of you.

- [OFFICER]

Miss?

- I have to see him.

- Sorry, you can't - I have to see him! I'm his girlfriend.

[ASTRID SOBS]

I'm his girlfriend! [SOUNDS ECHOING]

[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I should be crying.

Why aren't I crying?

It's not you.

They told me when you were born you didn't even cry.

You just came out and looked at everyone with a furrowed brow.

I'm worried that I that I don't have the same feelings everyone else does.

I think a lot of young people feel that way, especially nowadays.

Your generation got the terrible idea that it was best to vomit every thought and feeling all over each other.

It's a pandemic of overcommunication that's led to an absence of intimacy.

It's more than that for me.

What if I'm just wired differently?

I mean, what if I can't feel for anyone else?

They say that sociopaths can't do that.

What if all I'll ever able to do is pretend to feel?

Does it matter if you can't tell the difference?

I'm sorry about River.

He was a wonderful boy.

[SOFT GUITAR SONG PLAYS]

[WOMAN]

This is gonna sound awful, but I'm just gonna say it.

Now that River's dead, you're running unopposed.

- Seriously?

- I can't believe you just said that.

Sorry, but it's my job.

- [PAYTON SIGHS]

- You know you don't have to do this.

I want to.

[WOMAN]

And while they ask that you respect their privacy at this time, River's family wishes to express their gratitude for the outpouring of support they have received in the last few days.

It's trying times like these where we, as a community, look to our student leaders for a way to move forward and begin to heal.

Payton?

I didn't really get to know River until last year.

He was my tutor.

Then he became my friend.

And then, my opponent.

We found ourselves running against one another, but River never made it feel like a competition.

He would always say, "Don't worry about it, Payton.

Let the best man win.

" Now, the best man can't win.

Uh, River was very active in the drama department, so I've asked one of his many friends to help me sing a song in his honor.

[PLAYING "RIVER"]

It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees Putting up reindeer Singing songs of joy and peace Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on But it don't snow here It stays pretty green Gonna make a lot of money Then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on Oh, I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on I made my baby cry He tried hard to help me You know, he put me at ease And he loved me so naughty Made me weak in the knees Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on Oh, I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on I made my baby say goodbye It's coming on Christmas They're cutting down trees They're putting up reindeer And singing songs of joy and peace Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on [SONG ENDS ON PIANO]

[PAYTON]

River's girlfriend, Astrid, has asked to say a few words.

Thank you, Payton, that was beautiful.

I'm sure River would've appreciated it.

You were right when you said the best man can't win.

There was only one person in this race up for the job.

And now he's gone.

That is why I've decided to run in River's place.

- My running mate will be Skye Leighton.

- [APPLAUSE]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

We will try to be the first all-female ticket in this school's history.

If you believed in what River stood for, good, because so did I.

And if you give me your vote, then together, we can keep River's memory alive.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

[BIRDS TWITTERING]

You wanted to see me?

This came for you.

[EXHALING]

Open it.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Waitlisted.

[SIGHS]

Sweetheart.

A lifetime of focus and planning, carefully studying applications obtained on the black market to pinpoint the exact combination of extracurriculars and test scores that would optimize my chances at acceptance.

Three years on that stupid literary magazine.

Model UN.

And service-oriented summer camp in Costa Rica.

Flippin' Mandarin! - They haven't said no.

- This is worse.

This is worse than no.

This is This is, "Let's wait and see if we find anybody better.

" This is, "Even if we take you, you're our second choice.

" Why didn't Why didn't they want me?

They took those morons.

Well, your father and I bought their way in.

You were very clear.

You said you wanted to do this properly.

No, I can't get in that way.

People know it.

It stays with you.

It's It's handing your opponent a negative ad on a platter.

[PANTING]

Come here.

Don't litter.

Okay.

Waitlisted is not "no" and you're going to get in.

You're the most exceptional human being I've ever met.

Hold on.

You must've gotten your letter today too.

I'm sure that they have an algorithm that demands they take so many women and so many applicants from this group or that.

Yes, I got in.

Alice, please, don't diminish your accomplishments to soothe my ego.

You're gonna be valedictorian.

You have a gold medal in fencing from the Junior Olympics.

You speak six languages.

No one deserves to go to Harvard more than you.

- And I am so happy for you.

- [GIGGLES]

[ALICE]

Well, okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Tonight is about getting you back on your feet 100%, so you can win this election and make this world a better place.

Thomas, please go set up your table in the massage room.

You'll give Payton a treatment as soon as we're done.

Reiki, cups, and acupuncture.

- You're too good to be true.

- [CHUCKLES]

I have a plan to help you win.

But first, I need to ask you some questions, and I need you to answer me honestly, no judgment.

I swear.

Did you k*ll River?

I won't judge you or turn you in.

I just want to know.

While you didn't anticipate Astrid jumping into the campaign, you might have correctly thought that River dying would be your clearest path to victory.

I didn't k*ll him.

We need to break up.

- You said you wouldn't judge me! - Not really break up.

We need to pretend to break up in order for you to win the election.

Right now, you and Astrid are splitting the sympathy vote.

I'm going to confess that I cheated on you.

It'll be a scandal.

You will dump me and everyone will feel sorry for you.

I've cleared with McAfee and James.

They think it could gain you six to nine points, depending on how magnanimous you are about the whole thing.

But everyone will hate you.

I love you.

This is what love looks like, Payton.

This is what sacrifice looks like.

This is what it takes to change the world.

I am your first lady today and always.

- But there are rules.

- Rules?

We will break up long enough for you to win and for no one to suspect duplicity on our parts.

You will post photos of Big Sur, the truffle french fries at Hoagies Diner on Route 14, and cute dogs on your Instagram at least once a day with captions like, "Wish I was here", and "Yummy", and "heart emoji".

When you do so, I will know you were thinking of me.

A secret code.

I love it.

And, most importantly, when you pass me in the hall, you will not pay me any mind.

But as soon as we're past each other, you will turn and look back.

I need you to do this for me or I won't be able to survive.

Do you agree to these terms?

You are the best thing that will ever happen to me.

Yes.

I agree.

Let's move on to fish course.

I don't want to say "I'm overwhelmed with shame.

" - That's too calculating, it sounds fake.

- It is fake.

No.

[TYPING]

"I broke up with Payton tonight.

I guess you could say I cheated on him, though it's more complicated than that.

I will not name the other party involved at this time out of respect to their family.

Period.

" That's good.

Mysterious.

Really makes you lean in.

Post it.

[EXHALES]

- [SOCIAL MEDIA ALERTS]

- This is good.

Jesus, people are freakin' animals.

These comments are brutal.

- [JAMES]

This is really good.

- [SOCIAL MEDIA ALERTS CONTINUE]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

- Hi.

- Hi.

I didn't like doing that.

I know.

It's the right thing to do.

Hey, Payton.

We're ready when you are, buddy.

Okay.

[TAME IMPALA'S "YES I'M CHANGING" PLAYS]

[ALERTS CONTINUE]

I was raging It was late In the world my demons cultivate - I felt the strangest emotion - [SILENT MOUTHING]

But it wasn't hate, for once Yes, I'm changing Yes, I'm gone [MAN]

Payton.

Hey, kiddo.

Look, I know you've been struggling with Mandarin and River was tutoring you.

[SIGHS]

You must be going through a lot right now.

Yeah, I am.

Just show up for the exams, and I'll give you an A.

Okay?

Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, man, I'm really sorry.

[WHISPERS]

Numbers look great.

Genius.

Wish I'd thought of it.

Go to the cafeteria and press some flesh.

And I was searching endlessly But, baby Now there's nothing left That I can do So don't be blue There is another future waiting there For you It's calling out for you Arise and walk, come through Someone beyond that door Is calling out for you Well, I can imagine.

Well, well, well.

Oh.

Look who's home.

[CHUCKLES]

Ms.

Fancypants, shut the door.

Yes, ma'am.

- Sit down.

- Yes, ma'am.

[SIGHS]

This lovely young man was telling me that you turned him down again as a running mate in the school election.

That is twice now that you have defied me and I would like an explanation.

I just don't want all that attention.

Oh, don't you lie to me.

You were the one who begged me to call the Channel 13 news team so you could get a free trip to Legoland.

And the second those cameras turned on, well, you just about peed your pants, you were so excited.

You know, actually, Ms.

Jackson, uh, Infinity, I have I've seen all the local news stories on you and they are Oh, God, they're so inspiring.

But I really think that this could be something even bigger.

I think this could be a national news story.

Infinity, you could become the voice of a generation of handicapable children.

You know, at the risk of sounding vulgar, it's worth remembering that you could parlay something like that into serious, regular income just off of Instagram alone.

Wait a minute.

- We could make some money on this?

- Absolutely.

Oh, absolutely.

[CHORTLING]

Oh! Well, hot damn! [PAYTON]

If it would be at all helpful, I'd be happy to provide you with a cash loan that could be used for anything.

Paying off medical bills, buying a new car.

Wait a minute.

A new car?

- [STAMMERS]

Anything.

- [LAUGHS]

I like the sound of that.

You know, I must say, I like the sound of your voice.

Really?

Yeah?

Yeah, I really It's got a real melodic tone to it.

Is that Are you from the South?

Well, I am a country girl.

I knew it.

I knew it.

- West-g*dd*mn-Virginia.

[CHUCKLES]

- Of course.

Yeah, I drove all the way to California from Martinsville.

You ever heard of Martinsville?

- I don't think I have.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Stop it.

Stop it.

Just stop it! - What?

! [WHISPERS]

I know what he's doing.

I know what you're doing.

Payton, you're trying to seduce us.

You're using your money and your interest and you're throwing it around like it's nothing.

Hey, you are being a rude little toad.

He's a fake, Nana.

He's a fake.

I don't trust anything that he says.

I'm so sorry.

- I really do apologize, dear.

- No, no, no.

- I am so sorry.

- Uh, no, no, she's right.

She's right.

River d*ed and my girlfriend broke up with me and I don't think that I've processed any of it.

Um, I just keep acting like everything is normal.

I just keep going through the motions, like nothing happened, but it did, I know that it did.

I know it did, and I still, I can't I can't feel anything.

You're right, Infinity.

You're right.

I'm a fake.

You shouldn't believe anything I say, because I don't know that I believe it either.

I think that's why I want you for a running mate.

You're authentic and you're real, and I can't even face the truth because because the truth is [SOBS]

the truth is that I loved him.

Oh, my God.

I loved him so much.

[GASPING]

And now he's gone.

- [PAYTON SOBBING]

- Oh I'm so sorry, Payton.

I believe you now.

[WHISPERS]

Hey, I believe you.

- Okay?

- [GASPING SOBS CONTINUE]

[INFINITY WHISPERS]

I'm sorry.

Hey [LINE RINGING]

We got her.

Because that's what life's all about.

It's not about avoiding adversity, it's how we handle the hard times when they come barging into our lives, destroying everything we hold dear.

And that's why I've got someone very special with me today.

Now, this is a girl that we've all met, but she's someone that I don't think a lot of us really know.

And I think that the reason that I find her so inspiring is because I look at my life, and what's happened in the past few weeks, even the past few hours, does not even compare to the struggles that this young woman has to face every moment of every day.

And yet, she looks at the future with hope and optimism and a sense of humor.

Infinity, you inspire me.

That is why I'm proud to introduce you as my running mate today.

Ladies and gentleman, the next vice president of Saint Sebastian, Infinity Jackson! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Oh, my God, that was so nice.

How about this one, huh?

Let's hear it.

Thank you, my gosh, thank you.

Uh I guess Payton's right.

My life hasn't always been easy, but my Nana my Nana always says, "Infinity Maybelline Jackson " Congrats on the musical, by the way.

Nice to see you.

Hey, looking good, guys.

Thanks for being here.

" a lot worse than you.

" And she's right.

- She already has an 80% approval rating.

- And a fan account on Instagram.

[INFINITY]

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

[INFINITY CHUCKLES ON STAGE]

- But I'm counting my blessings today.

- [EXHALES]

We're all lucky, aren't we?

- Hey, Andrew.

- Eric.

Right, Eric, sorry.

You douchebag, my name is Andrew.

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm with all of you beautiful people.

I was coming to find you.

I'm really sorry.

I want you to know this was a really She's scamming everyone, you know that, right?

- What?

Who?

- Infinity.

It's all a big scam.

She's not sick.

Thank you, Payton.

Thank you, Saint Sebastian.

She's faking it.

[INFINITY]

I [LAUGHS]

I'm gonna work my butt off for you guys.

I mean, like, let's just get out there and win this thing!

- Yeah!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]