01x04 - Dan v. Dating

[bunniefuu]

Your Honor, the defendant was caught

with the stolen items in her purse.

You Honor, my client, Mrs. Jasser...

It's Ms.Jasser.

Noted. Ms. Jasser...

You can call me Helen.

The defendant had no idea that...

- My husband's in a coma.
- Oh.

Objection, Your Honor.

Th... The defendant is
groping her attorney.

Counsel, approach the bench.

Oh, I got nothing.

I just thought you could use a break.

Am I crazy, or has someone been getting

a lotof lady attention lately?

Connie from probate
won't stop talking about

the dashing new defense
attorney with the thick hair

and tush worth a push.

Connie's a big ol' freak.

It's actually really annoying.

I'm tired of women asking me
if I've got any inside info

on the silver fox I work with.

Carol in the cafeteria,
Carol at records,

Carol who's always
wearing the cat blouse.

Oh! Go for cat blouse.

I mean, I just thought that
maybe she could be your chance

at sharing your hopes
and dreams with someone.

And she could also share
where to get that cat blouse.

Well, I hate to spoil all your fun,

but my dating days are behind me.

Of course, there was a
time I would have k*lled

for this kind of attention

and almost did.

Not a human, a chicken.

A voodoo doctor back in
Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,

told me that an animal sacrifice
would make me irresistible

to the fairer sex.

Anyway, let's get back to these weirdos.

[♪]

[♪]

Which one of these pet fish
looks like the most fun?

This one has kind eyes and
seems like a good listener,

but this one's name is Zazzle.

Unless you're a seal, getting a fish

is a desperate cry for help.

Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I

have been doing the
long-distance thing for a while,

and I've been feeling a little lonely,

so thought I'd get a pet.

But it has to be one
that you can't dress up

because otherwise I'll
never leave the apartment.

Well, stud, you got me into handcuffs.

What now? [LAUGHS]

I mean, seriously,

is there no poetry left in flirting?

Earlier today, a woman yelled,
"I'd like to climb that!"

- [LAUGHTER]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Ooh, I gotta get this.
It's the fish people.

Excuse me, could you help me...

Oh, please. Yes, can I help you...

what, would you like to
bang my gavel [GRUMBLES]

or some other tortured double entendre?

Let me tell you something.

I dress like this to please myself,

not to be ogled and debased
by deviants like you.

I just wanted to know
where the records room is.

- Down the hall to the left, first right.
- Ah.

Uh, excuse me.

I'd like to apologize. I'm very sorry.

I... I had a long day.

Oh, I mean, I can't begin
to appreciate the indignities

you must suffer as an
upper-middle-class white man.

I deserve that. Can I make it up to you

by buying your... real-life newspaper?

Oh, I actually get this delivered.

Yeah, call me old
fashioned, but I like knowing

there was someone right outside
my door while I was asleep.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, I thought I was one of
the last people to read those.

Matter fact, I start
every day by doing...

- The Jumble.
- ... the Jumble.

Uh, I'm Dan.

- Oh. Julianne.
- Hi.

Well, thanks for the directions,

and good luck fending off the deviants.

Ha! [CHUCKLES]

Ah, screw it. Look, I did
come over to you

because I thought you were handsome,

and my therapist told me that
I should take more chances.

Well, here's my number.

Maybe we can Jumble together sometime.

- Oooh!
- Dan met a lady!

My heart is closed for business.

I've had the great romance of my life.

That's more than most people get.

I know you don't believe that.

I mean, just tonight you
said that we're all entitled

to more than one great love.

Sure, you were defending
a polygamist cult leader,

but I could tell it was from the heart.

Ugh, romance. Even those
movies are depressing.

They're all about some woman
who abandons a presentation

to catch some guy at the airport.

It's like, finish the presentation.

The head of the company is there!

Well, y'all know me... I always
got a boo and a back-up boo.

You will not catch me on the kiss cam

with no one to kiss,
bumming out a whole stadium.

It's just not fair to the fans.

All right, let's give Dan a break.

If he doesn't want to date, that's okay.

I mean, he doesn't
need a special someone

when he's got us.

We are all the emotional
connection he needs.

I'm just gonna go
ahead and text Julianne.

- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm an assistant district attorney

in the city of New York,

- and you will treat me with respect!
- [BANGING]

Okay, well, your client
should have thought about that

before took a bath in
Richard Kind's apartment.

Oh, okay. I'll see youin court.

[COIN SPLASHES]

You got any mints?

This is a nightmare.

I'm trying to find somewhere
I can work that's quiet,

but this just... this is not worth it.

Well, isn't there an office
all the DAs work out of?

Ugh! No one will leave
me alone in there.

Okay, you know what?
It's fine. It's fine.

I'm... I'm just gonna go
and work in the morgue.

The vibe is lousy, but at least
there are plenty of drawers.

Well, hang on. I bet if
we put our heads together,

we can find you a quiet place to work.

Oh, I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.

Every office and most
of the closets are...

What... What's... What are you doing?

Uh, you keep blueprints
in the bathroom vent?

I keep blueprints in every vent.

You never know when
you might find yourself

in a "Die Hard" situation.

"Die Hard."

- Uh...
- Nakatomi Plaza?

We open on a plane.

A young Die Hard hates to fly.

Don't have time to hear
a movie right now, Gurgs.

Right. One emergency at a time.

All buildings like this have a lot

of unused nooks and crannies.

Okay, well, looks like
our best bet gonna be

right here in the east wing.

[LAUGHTER]

Thanks for expediting the docket

so Dan could leave early for his date.

Any big plans for all
this extra night we've got?

Yeah, so many.

Me and my boy... Jaston, the...

- It's okay to say nothing.
- Nothing.

You?

Mondays used to be pizza
night for me and Rand,

but now we're miles apart, so...

At least Dan's having fun.

First dates are so magical.

The anticipation, the jitters,

the excitement when the car pulls up

and you get that first whiff of garlic.

Now I'm talking about pizza again.

Plus, Dan picked a
great first-date spot.

De Bello's minestrone is to die for.

And they'll give you a cup for half off

if you show them the text
when your date cancels.

You don't think Julianne would
cancel on Dan, though, right?

I hate the idea of him
sitting alone, rejected,

crying into a bowl of sad soup.

They won't upgrade you to a bowl,

no matter how much you're crying.

I pushed him into this.

I'm gonna feel terrible if he gets hurt.

Like the time I snuck my
cousin on a roller coaster

and realized you have to
be this tall for a reason.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Don't worry, there was a loop,

so she landed right back in her seat.

But the guy said that
almost never happens.

Okay, what if I just popped into
the restaurant for a quick peek

just to make sure it's all going okay?

That wouldn't be too crazy, right?

No. I'll come, too. Moral support.

- Plus, I can tell people I was on a date.
- [LAUGHTER]

Okay, I just real quick
want to get eyes on him,

and then we'll be on our way.

Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!

Well, she showed up this
time. Congratulations.

Oh, no, she's my boss.

Ah, that makes more sense.
I'll go get your soup.

Oh! There he is.

Oh, no. He's alone. He got stood up.

- Okay, this was a bad idea. We should go.
- [DISHES CLATTERING]

Oh! Dan's here!

- Hi, Dan.
- [LAUGHTER]

- What are you doing here?
- It's a funny story.

So, uh, Neil wanted soup,

and then we knocked over that tray,

and now you're mad at us. I'm so sorry.

- Julianne stood you up, didn't she?
- Yes, she did.

Turns out she never liked
me, I guess, and... oh.

Ugh. Too much work.

I never sent her a text.

What the nuts, Dan?
You didn't have to lie.

It's fine if you didn't like her.

No, it's not that I didn't like her.

I actually found her rather captivating.

All right, look, if you must know,

I actually did write her a text
inviting her here to dinner.

I just never got to the send part.

That's how these things start...
with send, and then dinner,

then a second dinner,

and then all of a
sudden it's Thanksgiving

and you find yourself duking it out

with her half-Turkish brother-in-law

over American policy in the Balkans,

and why in that particular scenario

I have such strong opinions about that,

I don't know, but I do.

The point is,

I understand that this could be scary,

but if you don't at least try,

you could be missing out
on something really special.

- You could take it as slow as you want.
- [TEXT MESSAGE WHOOSHES]

I'm sorry. I sent the text.

What Abby said got to me.

- I can't watch you be alone anymore, Dan.
- [LAUGHTER]

Don't worry, it's not like
she's gonna run on over here.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Says she'll be here in five minutes.

[LAUGHTER]

Ah! I can't believe this has been

hidden here this whole time.

Why do you think it was boarded up?

Well, my guess is this
is where they used to

prosecute all those witches.

You know, New York City
in the ' s was crazy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- This is perfect.

No one's gonna bother me here.

You know, I have to share an
office with nine other bailiffs.

Sure would be nice to
have a place like this.

Um, seeing as you found it,

I... I... I guess we could share.

- Oh! I could never...
- Right?

... say no to an offer like
that, so absolutely yes!

Good. That's what I wanted,

yeah, and therefore why I asked.

We're gonna be office buddies.

We can finally get to
know each other better.

First thing to know about me...

I love a Crockpot, because you
can just set it and forget it.

- Oh, no! My stew!
- [LAUGHTER]

Hey, do you want us to stay?

It might keep things
from being uncomfortable.

It'll just be really, really weird.

No, it's okay.

You guys can leave, um...

Sure, it's been years
since I was on a date,

but it's just dinner.

One thing hasn't changed...
I am Dan Fielding,

a man renowned for his
charm and grace and...

oh, my God, she's here.

Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.

Oh, you're staying. Get down.

Get down. Get down. You're staying.

- Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Hello, sailor.

Uh, hi. I'm Abby.

- Oh, hello.
- Hi. And this is Neil.

- Hi.
- Hi.

The three of us were
having a group hang,

and Dan had the great idea

to invite the charming
woman he met the other day.

Well, I'm glad she couldn't
make it and you asked me.

No, no, we mean you.

She means you. Why did
you say it like that?

- Why don't you have a seat?
- All right.

- Oh, yes.
- Ah, I love this place.

You know, the minestrone
here is incredible.

- [WHISPERING LOUDLY]
- This one's a keeper.

I've never been a fan of soup.

- It's sort of like hot juice.
- [LAUGHTER]

So, Julianne, where are you from?

Uh, well, I... I grew up
on Staten Island,

but when I was , my
parents... Oop! Trivia!

Do you know that New York and
New Jersey had a boat race...

[MIMICS MOTOR]

... to decide who would
incorporate Staten Island?

Really? Huh. You know, I never
heard that.

- You calling me a liar?
- What?

- Ha, ha! This guy!
- Whoa!

Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.

Why don't you go to the
bathroom and dry off?

- What the?
- And Neil, go with him.

- Calm him down.
- Okay, but I'm also gonna pee

- while I'm in there.
- Why would you tell me that?

I'm sorry about Dan.

I promise he's usually more
grumpy than he is insane.

He's just nervous because
he really likes you.

He's got nothing to be nervous about.

You know, it's not like I'm
looking for something serious.

I just want to have a little fun.

Ah, fun. Fun like someone
to go bowling with?

- No, like a fling.
- Right, a fling.

Like an emotional
fling where you support

the other's inner life and
embrace each other spiritually?

- Like sex, Abby. I'm talking about sex.
- Sex like...

Nope, no way to intentionally
misinterpret that.

Sex it is!

- Oh.
- Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

Oh, yes, I know, it's going terribly,

but you didn't have to send
Neil to the bathroom with me.

He's still in there moving the
part in his hair back and forth.

I gotta tell you
something about Julianne.

Don't bother. You know what?
I'm going home.

I was clearly not ready
for a date with a person.

Calling it a night is
probably a good idea.

Julianne doesn't want to go slow.

She wants to go fast. Sex fast.

Let's just get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there.

Just give me a minute to process this.

What is there to process?

I don't think you're ready for this.

What are you gonna do... go
home, turn down the lights,

light some candles, and
yell boat facts at her?

I... I don't think I've
ever told a woman

I don't want to have sex.

I don't even know how that would sound.

Hi, my name is Dan. I
don't want to see you naked.

Ooh, that sounds wrong.

Before you jump into
anything, just take a minute.

Consider if an empty, meaningless fling

is really what you want.

You're right.

Do you want to get out of here?

- Absolutely. Let me get my things.
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh, we're gonna have
so much fun in here.

Okay, check it out...

it's my Hot Mug sh*t Guy
of the Month calendar.

Who are you more excited
for, Cinco de Marco,

or [CHUCKLES]

Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?

Gurgs, some of those
guys are legit murderers.

Well, I'm not picturing
myself on a beach in Aruba

with their rap sheets.

Besides, it's got all our
important dates on it...

our birthdays, our officeiversary,

which is today,

our holiday [WHISPERS] Christmas party.

How about we just, you know,

hold off on the calendar talk for now

and maybe focus on
getting a little work done?

We couldn't be more on the same page.

I'm all about work, too.

Actually, can I get your
opinion on something?

Imagine you're in the courtroom,

people are milling about,

and then I hit you with, "All rise!"

It's too much bass?

Would you prefer something more of a,

- [SENSUOUSLY] "All rise"?
- [LAUGHTER]

Well, I'm very sorry that
we had to stop at the bodega

for the wine, but,
you know, I understand

that this vintage of...
Kangaroo Fields Table Red

is a very good year.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, I'm not
here for the wine, Dan.

Oh, well, uhhhhh, how 'bout a snack?

You know, I bet that wine
would pair well with a...

a Cheeto, uh, or Frito, of Dorito,

any of the 'to snacks. Tostito!

- Ah, that has "to" on both ends.
- [LAUGHTER]

- Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?
- [RAIN STICK RATTLING]

- [LAUGHTER]
- How 'bout we move to a different room

with a different stick?

Well, um, oh, you know, I got this

with my late wife, um, Sarah.

It was on our first trip together.

She wanted to, uh...

She wanted to go
zip-lining in Costa Rica,

but I didn't want to go to Costa Rica.

I mean, I didn't want to go anywhere

where I had to get a vaccination

for something called Turtle Fever.

But I wanted to make her happy.

Before Sarah, I
couldn't... couldn't imagine

putting anyone's needs ahead of mine,

but she changed me.

I mean, uh, the old me would
have been very much into this,

but, uh, I'm a different man now.

I realize there's more to life...

Oh, my God!

Please stop talking.

Oh, you really know how to take the fun

out of a revenge plot.

I'm sorry, wait, wait. Revenge plot?

Of course, you don't remember me.

You had the judge throw the book at me

for a little thing like setting
my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.

Sorry, wait a minute.

This whole thing was
just to get back at me

for a case that happened years ago?

That's right. Now, I
have a whole revenge list.

You're between my ex-mother-in-law

and Boost Mobile.

You know, I thought I'd never find you.

But then I saw your name
when I was back in court...

uh, different boyfriend, different fire.

Sure. If it ain't broke...

I was gonna steal your identity

and leave you a shell of a man,

but you can't burn a house down twice.

Believe me, I've tried.

Here's your wallet.

And, uh, some advice...

use that money for a shrink
or a pint of ice cream

or something, because youneed help.

And that's coming from
someone who has been diagnosed

as criminally insane.
[LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

[LAUGHTER]

This isn't my wallet.

Gurgs, close the tarp. We need to talk.

Oh, no. Are you moving out?

Yeah, I realize I'm not
really the office-sharing type.

You can have this place.

I'm gonna head down to the
solitary-confinement cell.

Could probably get a lot of work
done before the madness sets in.

No, you don't have to do
that. This is my fault.

I came on too strong. I
should be the one to go.

Yeah, it's not you. It's me, really.

I'm just uncomfortable around people.

Makes it hard to get to know you.

Why would you want to get to know me?

'Cause I like you.

I thought this office would
be a chance to bring us closer.

But nothing was working.

I got in my head, and
my heart was pounding.

And your mouth was doing things

even though your brain
kept yelling, "Stop!"

Yes! I thought I was gonna die.

That's how I feel around
everyone all of the time!

Oh! We're bonding.

Are we work wives now?

Look at us, like two weird
ingredients in the perfect stew.

Oh, no! My other stew!

No, no, no, it's okay.

I turned it off for you.

[LAUGHTER]

So what do you say?

Give this another chance?

On one condition.

You explain to me
what Nakatomi Plaza is.

[GASPS] I thought you'd never ask.

When last we left our young Die Hard,

- he was on a plane.
- [LAUGHTER]

How'd it go? Nope, not gonna ask.

It's not my business
so I don't wanna know...

Nothing happened.

Thank you so much. It was k*lling me.

Well, nothing in the
way that you're thinking,

but very much in the way
that I had a minor breakdown

and he tried to rob me.

But I foiled her devious
plan by being too sad.

So, you gonna call her again?

I'm sorry I got so involved.

It's possible I may have
been living through you

since my entire life is upstate...

my friends, my fiancé, my cow.

I know you paused after
cow wanting me to ask,

but I never will.

That's too bad. She's got a rough hide

and a tender heart, just like you.

I just wanted you to find somebody.

Being alone seems kinda hard.

Sometimes.

But you know what made it easier

when she turned out to be a sociopath?

Knowing that if I ever do want to talk,

and I'm not saying that I ever will,

but if I ever did, I
could imagine a possible,

though veryunlikely scenario,

where I might choose to talk... to you.

- Mm-hmm.
- You may react.

- Eee!
- Oh, don't.

Oh! I can't wait to dig in.

Okay, first up... childhood.

Who's love did you crave,
your mom's or your dad's?

To be clear, this is
happening notime soon.

- I'm getting dad.
- He was a very complicated ma...

No! For right now,
we are just two people

who get to hate all of the
un-lonely people around us.

Yeah, like those two. Jerks.

So annoying.

- Being all happy.
- Yuck.

It made you feel bad
saying that, didn't it?

- Yeah, but I want us to have a thing.
- Ah.