07x05 - The Sterilizer

[bunniefuu]

And that, my friends, is why I always
sleep with a pillow between my legs.

Any questions?

Yeah. Why the f*ck are you breastfeeding

your granddaughter?

KATE: And how the f*ck

are you breastfeeding
your granddaughter?

[SIGHS]

To answer your question,

Jackie's mom is on a bender in Tibet,

so I popped a nip in her
mouth to calm her down,

and suddenly she just started suckling

from my free-flowing teat.

Do your...
boys know that their mother's...

teat is in their
child's mouth right now?

No.

But I'm sure they'd think it was fine.

I mean, look at us!

We're both so happy!

SLOANE: [SOBBING]

Sorry, don't mind me. I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Because your mouth is
saying you're good,

but water is falling from
your eyes like you're bad.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

- Oh, yeah.
- SLOANE: Exhausted, all the time.

Being pulled in a million directions.

It's like I'm treading water...

in a hurricane.

Choking on seawater,
being slapped around by waves.

Drowning, but like, lightly.

- Oh, boy. Yeah, that's the picture.
- Yeah.

SLOANE: Anyway, don't mind me.

I'm just having a moment,
and the good news is...

- it is going to get better, right?
- [LAUGHS]

ANNE: That's a good one.
That's really good.

Are you saying it doesn't?

ANNE: No! God, no.

These are the good years.
Wait until they're walking.

That's when the real tornado hits.

Mm-hm, or when they come
home with a jizz boy tattoo.

And don't even get me started
on when they use your name

on a down payment for a
warehouse because they think

they're going to "enter the space race."

That phase blows.

So what you're saying
is that it's just...

- always gonna be hard?
- KATE: There we go.

- ANNE: Yeah.
- VAL: %.

♪

KATE: Why did we do it, you think?

KATE: Mm.

Mm. So...

About last night.

I feel as though I owe
you both an apology.

I'm sure what you saw
was deeply disturbing,

and potentially traumatizing
for years to come.

But, you know, when it comes to therapy,

I got you covered,
so don't even think about that.

KATE: Mm-hm.

Also, believe it or not,
you know, it's just work,

what you saw.

It's just some good old-fashioned,
you know, market research.

I'd rather not talk about it.

I'd also rather not talk about it.

And can you please remove
this from the table?

- We eat here.
- KATE: Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted him to dry out.

I'll just put him...

But, you know, it has to be said...

[VAMPIRE VOICE] Who is
sexually repressed now?!

Kate.

I was doing a vampire kind of...

KATE: Sorry. He's in the purse.

Gonna take him to work.
You're never gonna see him again.

He's gone. Poof!

Um... I'm gonna go to school early.

Probably for the best.

Okay. Great talk!

I feel like we covered it,
we got it clear, it's all clean now.

Have a great day. And this is all fine.

Everything's fine.

Do you think that he saw...

everything?

He saw enough.

Yeah, okay. Mm-hm.

How are... How are you feeling?

Any headaches, or bloating, or..?

- Do I... look bloated?
- KATE: What? No.

No, you look great. You look very good.

No... No bloating.

Well, good.

I'm actually starting to
feel a lot more like myself.

Hm, look at us,
k*lling it on all fronts!

You're feeling good, I just got word
that a few more retailers

want to pick up Seedless,

and my stepson probably
didn't see my entire vulva.

- You know?
- NATHAN: Exciting stuff.

Almost as exciting as, uh...

Don't you say it.

The new episode of "The Best Lay"
that drops tonight.

Don't say "drops."

And get this... This sh*t's live.

Tell me you're gonna be home.

I mean, I want to, I do, but, you know,

work has been crazy lately,
and honestly,

they've been practising
this new fire alarm

that just takes a lot of time.

Come on!

[SIGHS] Okay, okay, I will be here.

But I do have to go to work.

Actually, correction...
we have to go to work.

[VAMPIRE VOICE] We carpool on
account of the environment!

Seriously, stop doing that!

I feel like you're being
dramatic and this is very funny.

- Whatever.
- "Dramatic" is finding that thing

between your legs.

But honestly, he gave me a good time.

NATHAN: That's revolting.

LIONEL: Ha-ha... Okay.

Look at this web.

Is that an "if" or an "it?"

I can't quite make it out.

For the last time,
this is not "Charlotte's Web."

- She's gone, honey.
- ALICE: Who's gone?

Your father is convinced
that Tula's still here

and has been spinning
messages for him in her web.

Tarantulas don't spin webs.

- LIONEL: They don't?
- ALICE: No.

They also don't leave messages.

Hey, are you home for dinner tonight?

- I haven't seen you lately.
- ALICE: No.

I... have drama club.

Yeah, right.

And I have dinosaur club.

ALICE: No, I'm serious.

Why is it unbelievable that
I could be in drama club?

Do you believe you
could be in drama club?

What your father is trying to say is

that this is the first that
we're hearing of it, that's all.

Okay, well, now you know.

And now I'm leaving, so...

bye.

Bye.

- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

- LIONEL: Drama club, my ass.
- ANNE: What?

LIONEL: If she was in drama club,
she'd be a way better liar.

She is up to something, I know it.

I don't know.
I mean, there is a drama club.

Maybe... she caught the thespian bug.

The "thespian bug?"

Who are you? Why are you not skeptical?

What have you done with my wife?

I'm just saying maybe it
wouldn't be the worst idea

to give her the benefit of the doubt.

God, we're always expecting the worst.

- Maybe that's the problem.
- LIONEL: Yeah.

I mean, she did play one hell
of a cloud in that production

of "Jack and the Beanstalk"
in kindergarten.

There you go.

I gotta go. I'll see you later.

♪

♪

Mornin'!

Kate... Quick word?

KATE: You know,
I think we should start developing

the new Seedless ad, right?

Strike while the iron's hot?
Get ahead of it?

Oh!

Hey, Ram, Denise!

Here to celebrate? [CHUCKLES]

What?

Why do your faces look like that?

KATE: "Denise Richards,
the scientist behind Seedless,

"the world's first male
birth control pill,

"rendered dozens of men sterile

during a university clinical
trial years ago."

[SIGHS] Is this really true?

Yes.

KATE: Jesus Christ, how did this happen?

- Why didn't you tell me?
- DENISE: I'm sorry.

It's obviously not something
I'm super proud of,

or like to share.

Yeah, I should hope not.

DENISE: It wasn't just me, okay?

I mean, I was a student
looking for extra credit,

so I joined this research
group that was developing

a new drug for canker sores.

It was just a dumb experiment.

Didn't everyone
experiment in university?

KATE: For most people,
experimenting in university

meant trying ecstasy

or mastering a three-course
meal in a microwave, not...

sterilizing men!

RAM: This is really bad.

They're calling her "the sterilizer."

Which is apt.

Those poor guys.

What? It's occasionally
okay to feel bad for men.

Isn't it?

Okay, who even published this article?

Scientific Quarterly?

Who reads that?

- The Associated Press.
- Goddammit.

RAM: Which means that
everyone is picking it up.

Buzzfeed, Salon,
Reader's Digest, you name it.

This is a nightmare.
One of our retailers just pulled out,

because who is gonna take birth control

from a woman who neuters men?

Okay, we can think of a solution.

We just have to spin this.

- ROSIE: I know...
- KATE: Okay.

Maybe people will think it's
the other Denise Richards

who did this...

Maybe.

- KATE: Okay, goddammit.
- DENISE: Oh, how about this?

What about the men in the
trial that I didn't sterilize?

- We could spin that, right?
- RAM: Denise...

We'll talk about this later.

RAM: You made her the face of Seedless.

You have to fix this,
or we are seriously f*cked.

Of course. I will.

I'll think of something. I always do.

Good.

It was actually men
that I didn't sterilize,

- if that helps anything.
- It really doesn't.

♪

SLOANE: Alright, well,
let's talk dates and details

for "Tasking."

I think we should lean
into Maggie's history

as a public speaker.

Yeah, I'm thinking a university
tour with some major cities.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Uh-huh.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

SLOANE: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[IN A WHISPER] Den... dentist? Dentures?

SLOANE: Okay, alright.
I'm gonna leave this

with you, and let's just circle back

when you've ironed out the details.

Okay, great.

Where is my Danish?

[LAUGHS] Oh!

Honestly I had no idea what that was.

I had a bad experience...
One time I thought I was

playing charades,
but someone was actually having

- a medical emergency...
- SLOANE: Okay, honestly,

I don't want to get into
this with you today.

Forget the Danish. What is in your hand?

COLIN: Oh, uh,
Maggie just sent her new draft.

SLOANE: Great.

Also, your am is here.

I don't have a am.

VAL: Goooood morning!

Val!

This is not really a good time.

It'll only take a sec.

I just wanted to pop by and let
you know that I signed you up

- on a dating app.
- SLOANE: What?!

- I'm in a relationship.
- Simmer down.

It's a friendship
dating app for new moms.

- It's called "Bundle."
- SLOANE: Mm.

- Somehow I'm even less into it.
- VAL: Come on!

Don't you think you could use
a little community right now?

Isn't that the point of Val's Pals?

Did that really feel
like community to you?

Talking with other high-powered
women with newborns

might really help.

And look, if it doesn't,
at least you'll have

a good story for the next Val's Pals.

And God knows we need it.

I don't know.

VAL: You don't have to do a thing.

I already set up a profile for you.

- SLOANE: You what?
- VAL: Yup!

And I included all
the pertinent details.

"A take-no-prisoners
publishing powerhouse

- with a heart of gold."
- SLOANE: [LAUGHS]

You might have to do
another pass on that one.

You'll get an email
notification if you're matched

with any moms.

Oh my God, what if you don't
get matched with any moms?

That would be really
humiliating for you.

Val, I need you to leave now.

Say no more.
I was getting that exact sense.

And I have to pump anyways, so...

Toodles, bitch!

[CHUCKLES]

[NOTIFICATION ON COMPUTER]

♪

♪

[UNDER HER BREATH] Come on,
think of something.

Think of something.
Think of something...

[PHONE BUZZES]

Hey, can I call you back?
I'm just in the middle of...

NATHAN: [ON PHONE] Real quick,
for the live show tonight,

I thought we could order in.
Sushi or perogies?

I know, opposite ends of the spectrum.

I-I don't think I can
make the live show.

NATHAN: No! You can't miss The Best Lay!

I mean, I know it's garbage,
but that's what makes it so good!

KATE: I'm just in the middle
of this Seedless shitshow,

and honestly, I don't think
I can dig myself out of it.

NATHAN: Wait a minute. I saw

on Twitter that there was
this birth control scientist

who was...

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God, relax. Yes, it was her.

No, you're not in danger
of being sterilized.

We should be so f*cking lucky.

Well, I hope you can work it out,

because tonight the sh*t
is gonna hit the fan.

Either Cole or Chase
are getting eliminated

because they're both
hooking up with Trina

and neither one can be in the same room

without b*ating the living
sh*t out of each other.

I'm talking about tearing down the set!

Just taking down the walls!

Nathan, this sounds so stupid.

I guess it's a guy thing.

It's a guy show. Never mind.

♪

How many viewers did you say it got?

. million viewers...

That's a good following.

But could be better.

Okay...

Hey, I didn't accept
a last-minute meeting

on my busiest day just to be negged.

You told my assistant the fate
of my show is in your hands...

Uh, yes, I had to get your attention,
didn't I?

Look, it's no secret that your
following is predominantly male.

Your female viewership is dropping off

in alarming numbers.

Are you putting on a dating
show or a crypto convention?

[CHUCKLES]

What if I could change your
bro-viewing into co-viewing?

- I'm listening.
- KATE: I represent Seedless,

- the first male birth control pill.
- PRODUCER: Seedless?

Didn't I read about
you guys this morning?

One of your scientists
sterilized a bunch of dudes.

You did. And that's unfortunate.

But really, it's just noise

undercutting a revolutionary product.

Okay, um, great.

Listen, I have a live show to sh**t,
so if we could just, um...

The point is,
Seedless has nothing to do with

what our scientist was
working on years ago.

It's safe, it's game-changing,

and by aligning with our product,

you are speaking to women worldwide.

This is an opportunity to
double your viewership.

Bring some feminism into the f*ck hut.

I don't hate this.

♪

[HUMMING]

- [DOOR OPENS]
- JOSEPH: Oh, my God.

JACOB: Dude, I'm serious.

Who closes the bus door after
the bus driver gets out?

JOSEPH: If you ask me that
one more time, I swear, it's...

Don't freak out.

I know what you're thinking.

"Why is my mother
breastfeeding my daughter?"

But it doesn't need to be so taboo.

Clearly mother nature has
given me this special gift

at the perfect moment,

when your sweet angel was
in search of a breast.

Aren't you gonna say something?

- JOSEPH: What the...?!
- JACOB: What the hell, Mom?

- JOSEPH: What?
- JACOB: That's f*ckin' disgusting!

You're gonna scar her for life, Mom!

What was I supposed to do?
Jackie won't take the bottle!

The answer isn't...

shoving your boob in my baby's mouth!

Yeah! Our baby's mouth.

- You didn't even ask!
- VAL: I didn't have to.

She told me with her eyes!

No, us, Mom. You didn't ask us!

What the f*ck is this?

I got a few nursing bras on Amazon.

They're more comfortable.

- Sue me.
- JOSEPH: Okay.

- Give her back.
- VAL: Hey, no!

Give her back! Unlatch!

- No!
- Mom, I will take

- your nipple with her if I have to.
- Oh!

Wait...

What are you gonna do?
How are you gonna feed her?

- JOSEPH: We'll figure it out!
- JACOB: Great question!

Now what am I gonna
do with all this milk?

♪

♪

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

♪

♪

[PHONE BUZZES]

_

[SIGHS]

Stupid.

[EXHALES BRISKLY]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hi, Lionel.

Did you know that every
member of drama club

has to perform a self-written monologue?

And...?

LIONEL:
Does that sound like our daughter?

Writing monologues?

Uh, I hadn't really thought about it.

Yeah, because it doesn't!

You know what does sound
like our daughter, hm?

Huffing whippets behind
a dumpster with some guy

that's got a lollipop
tattoo on his face.

ANNE: Oddly specific.

You know what,
I just had a client cancel.

Why don't I head to the
school and see what's up?

Oh, uh, great,
'cause I'm actually on a Zoom meeting

that's on mute, so if you don't mind...

MAN ON ZOOM: Uh, Lionel,
you're not on mute.

Not if it gets me out
of this conversation.

♪

PAUL: Where's your mommy, huh?
Where is she?

Oh, I see her.

You have no idea how badly I need this.

I had them warm it up for you too.

Mm-hm?

f*ck, that is good.

Yeah, you don't need
to tell me the benefits

of a post-lunch pastry.

Thank you for this.

Thank you for bringing him.

And now I have to go
because I have a date.

Uh... what?

With a woman.

Still in the weeds on this one.

[CHUCKLES] It's a mom date.

Val set me up on this app called Bundle.

Okay. Well, that's kinda cool.

- SLOANE: How do I look?
- PAUL: You look great.

Thank you.

Now, I don't mean to be rude,
but you really do have to go.

Good luck on your date!

♪

OSCAR: Excuse me, hi.

Are you Sloane?

Maybe.

And you would be?

Sorry, uh,
creepy stranger park vibes, I know.

I'm Oscar, Alyssa's husband,
the woman you met on Bundle.

Oh. O-Okay.

OSCAR: She's caught up in a meeting

and didn't want to leave you hanging,
so she sent me.

Oh.

She could've just sent me a text,

but thank you for letting me know.

Uh, maybe just let her
know we can reschedule.

Yeah, yeah. I'll let her know.

Do you need a hand with anything?

No, I'm good, I'm good.

Not that you don't
look perfectly capable.

It just took me like minutes
just to get out of the car.

Does he really need all of these?

I don't think he needs all of those!

I have a very picky baby!

Your guy doesn't need
a different soother

for every mood?

Well, babies are high-maintenance.

But good thing they're so cute, right?

[CHUCKLES]

Sometimes I just want to rip
off his chubby little feet

and eat 'em up.

Not literally, of course.

I actually want to rip off
my baby's feet and eat them.

- Literally!
- OSCAR: Oh, okay! [LAUGHS]

Uh, that makes me feel a lot better!

I'm not the only baby-eating
monster in the park.

[LAUGHS] Uh, no, definitely not.

STUDENT: I really wish we'd
played catch together, Dad.

But now...

we never will.

[APPLAUSE]

ANNE: [QUIETLY] Oh!

Hello?

Hello!

I'm here, aren't I?

No? I'm not?

Everybody's watching me on their phones.

But nobody wants to look into my eyes.

- ANNE: Oh, no.
- ALICE: They're blue, by the way.

What colour are your eyes?

Or yours?

Or...

even yours, blind man?

All of our eyes are open,

but does anybody really see?

Hello?!

[APPLAUSE]

♪

Okay, well,
there's good news and bad news.

Good news, she is in drama club.

The bad news is that,
she does not have a future in it.

Like, we need to actively steer
her in a whole other direction

or this is gonna be
a real problem for...

Oh my God.

♪

SEAMUS: You were incredible.

Oh my God.

♪

♪

SEAMUS:
Her hair just smells so f*ckin' good.

And her lips...

God, her lips make me crazy.

♪

Oh, no.

Oh...

I could tell she was giving me the eyes

from across the room.

That's why before I walked over,
I popped in a Seedless.

Male birth control,
it's a revelation, yo!

- Holy sh*t.
- That's my show!

You did that to my show!

KATE: I did that to your show.

GUY:
[ON TV] These girls all hate condoms.

Trina, Dina, Lina...

So the guys and I decided to
take matters into our own hands.

Seedless is about equality.

I'm sorry, is that empowering for men?

- I think I just empowered men.
- I think you did.

I think you empowered men.

GUY: [ON TV] Apparently a lady
scientist created Seedless,

but don't let that stop
you from trying it.

This stuff's legit!

They can't all be wins, but...
that's a win.

- I'll take that.
- NATHAN: [LAUGHS]

Jesus Christ.

I cannot believe this idea worked.

Like, what the f*ck?

Your dumbass obsession with this
show may have saved Seedless.

You're welcome.

KATE: You know, I know I'm no Lina,
Dina, or Trina, but um...

what if I'm "The Best Lay"?

There's only one way to find out.

Oh, boy.

Sure, it sucks
being voted off this week.

But you know what doesn't suck?

- Male birth control.
- KATE: Mm! [GIGGLES]

♪