♪ You're a hippie
♪ You're a nothing
♪ You're a yuppie
♪ You're a something
♪ You're the wasteland... ♪
LAUGHTER
♪ Built on the quicksand
COMEDIAN: Although, actually,
I have to say,
I don't think it's the most fun
you can have with your clothes on.
It's f*cking with your clothes on.
LAUGHTER
I recommend it. It's a lot of fun.
Just, like, in a tuxedo.
You know,
pull your bowtie to the side.
Like, rip the tie back
so you can go down on someone.
LAUGHTER
It's just like
a really good day out.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, you guys like that?
This guy doesn't like it.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to do new stuff tonight.
There's a stag do in the back
that keeps shouting "minge"
every five minutes.
Just get on, get off,
do what you've got to do, yeah?
You guys have been
absolutely amazing.
That girl is here again?
I've been Jack Barry. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was Jack Barry!
HE CHUCKLES
How's everyone feeling? You good?
CHEERING
Are you ready for the next act?
CHEERING
Yes, fantastic.
Now, she's a good friend of mine.
She's become a permanent fixture
on my sofa bed recently,
but she doesn't pay any f*cking
rent, so she needs your support.
Please give it up for Mae Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks, man.
Hi, guys.
I'm Mae. Did everyone have
a good childhood?
LAUGHTER
I'm from Canada.
I came over in a canoe recently
with Celine Dion.
LAUGHTER
She was at the helm.
I'm recently single.
Is anybody single? Give me a cheer.
CHEERING
Woo!
Um, yeah. And it's fine.
I'm doing fine.
I'm...I'm catching up
on my reading -
just reading my ex's Facebook page.
LAUGHTER
That's all that I read.
I feel weird recently, and the only
way I can describe it is like
I feel like I'm full of birds.
Not like hummingbirds,
like I'm anxious,
but, like, pelicans.
Like, very greasy pelicans
in my chest.
I don't know if you've ever seen
a photo after an oil spill,
and the beach is just...
There's all these birds
and they're covered in oil
and they can't lift their wings,
and they're like...
They're in my chest.
SHE LAUGHS
Thank you, one person, for laughing.
Can you tell your friend I'm going
to flush her phone down the toilet
if she doesn't stop texting?
Sorry.
Who are you texting?
I'm not texting.
I'm playing Candy Crush.
CROWD MURMUR AND LAUGH
No, that's fine.
That's absolutely fine.
It's very important that
I stay humble, so...
Did my mother hire you?
LAUGHTER
MAN: Minge!
UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
See, that's funny.
That's really funny!
God, I loved that! Mm.
It just makes you think, like,
everything is perspective.
Mm. You know, like...like, OK,
I look at this
and I see a pint glass, right?
But you might see some...hazelnuts,
OK?
And we wouldn't even know.
HE CHUCKLES
Hey, have I ever told you
my story about ham?
No. You're going to love it.
HE LAUGHS
Hold that thought.
Just going to go get my Tupperware
from the cloakroom. OK.
George, why did you drag us here?
I literally hate comedy.
It's so embarrassing.
That girl was so rude to me!
Binky, you were on your phone
all the way through her set.
SHE LAUGHS
I know! I'm so bad!
Binks, what did you tell Jarod?
Oh, I told him that you fancy him.
Oh, Jesus! Why did you do that?!
Because you haven't been
with anyone since Andrew.
That's five years ago.
Your vag*na is going to seal up.
It's about this big.
It's got coleslaw in it. No?
Right, let's go. The car is outside.
You know, actually,
I think I'm going to walk.
Yeah, and I'm going to go to
the bathroom, too, so you guys go.
Yeah. OK. Bye.
Bye.
No.
Can I get double gin
and tonic, please?
Oh, man, that was hard work.
That girl was laughing, though.
What?
Nah, come on. Why not?
I mean, have you seen her?
She's like England's rose.
And I'm like a kernel of corn
that somebody glued
onto some sticks.
HE CHUCKLES
She's like a dangerous Mary Poppins.
I'm like Bart Simpson.
That's funny. So, what should I do?
Go talk to her or what?
Yeah.
She's been here, like, three times,
only laughing at your stuff.
And your stuff is bad.
Thank you!
What's the worst that can happen?
Oh, humiliation, loneliness,
depression... Hello? ..regret.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Oh, sorry. You're busy. I...
Yeah, I just wanted to say
sorry about my friend.
So, sorry. No. Fine.
How...? How are...who are you?
Uh, I'm George. Hi.
Yeah. Hi. Hi.
Do you understand
the rules of this game? Yeah. OK.
I think so, yeah.
It's very straightforward. OK.
How old are you? 29.
When did you lose your virginity?
Um, just...yesterday!
THEY LAUGH
Just yesterday!
What's your favourite film?
SHE LAUGHS
Coyote Ugly. Coyote Ugly!
That's not true.
OK. OK. My turn.
How long have you been in England?
Two years.
Who's your favourite member
of the Beatles. Brian.
Are we on a date? I...I don't know.
Are we? Well, I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you.
Well, I don't know.
Do you want to be on a date?
Why are we fighting right now?
SHE LAUGHS
Right. I'm going home.
What's your plan?
I'm going to stay out for a bit.
So shall I pull out
the sofa bed, or...?
I don't know, man. OK.
Well, do you have your key?
I'm in the middle of
a very riveting conversation, Nick,
so maybe I'll text you later.
Right. Well, I'll see you in,
what, six months, yeah?
Enjoy your date!
Wow. He said it was a date. Yeah.
So I guess it is. Mm.
I've never been on a date
with a girl before.
Yeah. Oh, no. Absolutely.
Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. OK.
So, then would you say that
you've ever kissed a girl?
Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm not Mormon.
Oh, OK. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame.
Oh. I exclusively date Mormons.
Oh!
Well...
Do you like films?
You want to kiss me, Mae?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah?
Oh, look, that would be so cool.
Now? Yes.
Well, anyways...
Oh... Oh, my God. Phil!
Christ, can you wear tap shoes
or something?
Sorry, Mae, this is my flatmate.
I found him online.
Hey. Hey.
Um, Mae was just going
to help me arrange my shoes.
Are you OK?
I have depression. Oh, I'm sorry.
OK, thank you, Phil.
Mae, my shoes are upstairs. OK.
So, this is my room.
♪ Whoa
♪ Oh-oh
♪ Come down from the mountain
You have been gone too long
♪ The spring is upon us
Follow my only song
MAE YELLS INDISTINCTLY
Oh, my gosh, no! f*ck, no!
♪ Settle down with me
by the fire of my yearning
♪ You should come back home... ♪
No...
♪ Back on your own now
♪ Oh-oh
OVER PHONE SPEAKER:
♪ The world is alive now... ♪
Can you turn off that music, please,
and stop touching my hand, please?
MUSIC STOPS
George? Georgina? Excuse me?
Can you wake up, please?
Wait, what's happening?
Why are you over there?
I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped.
So I went out and went for a walk.
I got you two coffees,
like a lottery ticket
and some Bombay mix.
And while you were sleeping,
I painted a very beautiful
portrait of you.
It's like a moving-in gift.
SHE EXHALES
So, what do you want to do today?
You want to go to IKEA?
A very big day for us.
Can you just lie on top of me
and tell me something Canadian?
On July 1st, 1867, the provinces
of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia
and Canada were declared
the Dominion of Canada,
with John A. MacDonald
its first Prime Minister.
Wow. Mm.
Oh, my... This is a masterpiece.
I know. Oh, f*ck.
I didn't get you any presents.
Excuse me, I don't need presents.
It's the greatest gift of my life
that I get to have sex with g*dd*mn
Princess Diana every day.
SHE CHUCKLES
OK, I'm going to make today
really good. Oh yeah?
Yeah, honestly. Yeah.
It's just... It's just...
It's new for me. What is?
Well, all of this. Letting someone
penetrate my inner sanctum.
I call my flat my inner sanctum.
Oh, that's so weird.
That's what I call your p*ssy.
SHE LAUGHS
No!
George? Mm?
Can we invite some of these people
round tonight? Some of your friends?
We could have, like, a dinner,
and I could meet them?
Like, who is this?
Mm, no. Sorry, no.
I have this, um,
work meeting tonight.
It's the whole English department.
On a Saturday? Mm. Yeah.
SKYPE CALL RINGING
Oh, sh*t. That's my parents.
Um, I have to Skype my parents.
You want to talk to them? Mm, yeah.
Oh, cool. Mm.
Hi, Mom. Mae. Hi, Linda.
Oh, Georgina.
Oh, well, now, don't look at me.
I'm 3,000 years old.
MAN IN BACKGROUND LAUGHS
You two are just the vision
of beauty and youth, as per usual.
How's cohabitation?
Oh, it's so great. Um,
it's been a big adjustment.
Oh, Georgina, don't look at me.
I mean what I say.
Hello, darling daughter.
Oh, hello, George.
How lovely. Hi, Dad. How are you?
Er, well, madly in love with
your mother, of course.
Oh, please stop.
I'm a repulsive old witch.
So, Georgina,
when are we going to meet you?
I think it's outrageous
we haven't met you yet.
Um, well, you do live in Canada,
so...
Yeah, it's been three months, guys.
Chill.
Oh, your mother and I moved
in together after five days.
That's true. We just knew.
Now, Mae,
your father and I want to know
if you've found a new
Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Um...
A what meeting? A what meeting?
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Mom, can you please stop dredging
up the past? Please.
Don't say "dredging".
That's disgusting.
All right, so, I'm off.
I'm not saying I want to talk
about the past, believe you me.
I just want to know that
you're going to a regular meeting.
I've been very busy.
I've been moving in with George
and I...I can't sleep these days.
You can't sleep?
It's not a big deal. Oh, my God.
All right, I think
I should just tell you.
I think that's because
you were four weeks premature.
Was I? You were in an incubator,
sweetheart.
It's why we're not close.
Are we not close?
And now I have to go.
Find a regular meeting. Yeah, bye.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
So, I-I just found out
I'm super premature.
You're in Narcotics Anonymous?
It's really not a big deal.
I've been sober for ages.
I honestly don't want
to talk about it any more.
I just want to enjoy being in this
beautiful furniture store with you.
Oh, I'm going to get this one.
Mae, that is f*cking massive. Yeah.
No, look, just get this one, OK?
Oh, cool. Thanks.
So, OK, tell me, what is...what is
"ages sober"? Like, six years?
Six months? A week? Yes.
Yes? Yes what?
Why won't you talk to me?
I am talking to you. Then...
OK, look.
I don't know if this
is new information to you
or if this is something that
you're aware of already,
but you have
the number one best face
I've ever seen in real life.
Mae, thank you, that's really kind,
but you say that to me every day.
Cos it's true. I've seen 'em
in films, but not like this.
It's like milk. Stop.
You're a milk maid. Mae, stop it.
Should I be worried? No.
Honestly, it's very old news.
Yeah?
Look, there's so much stuff that
I didn't know about you
when we moved in together,
and I'm having to adjust.
Like, I had no idea that
you have a mug that says
"I heart Guernsey" on it.
Is that true? Do you heart Guernsey?
What even is a Guernsey?
SHE LAUGHS
It's making me question everything.
Mae, I love you, so please
find a meeting so I can relax.
Yeah, if you love me,
I'll go right now. Yeah? Yeah.
On one condition, though. OK.
I'm going to get this wardrobe.
My name's David and I'm an addict.
GROUP: Hi, David.
Er, first up on the agenda today,
happy birthday to Karen.
Karen let us know last week that
it was going to be her birthday,
so, er, we wish you a joyous
and a sober day.
And I've brought in some
of my devilled eggs as a snack.
Second of all,
a warm welcome to any newcomers.
Er, hi, I'm Mae.
I'm Mae, I'm an addict.
GROUP: Hi, Mae. Welcome, Mae.
Does anyone want to share?
David, I'd like to start.
My name is Karen and I'm an addict.
GROUP: Hi, Karen.
First up, I'd like to come clean.
It's not my birthday.
I don't know why I said that.
Anyway, something that is...
WHISPERS: Is there coffee?
Just eggs.
Yes, Mae has something to share.
Oh, no, no. I'm fine.
I don't...I don't think
I really need to be here.
Yeah,
you seem like a really fun crew,
but, um, I've been clean a long time
and, um, I think for me
the main problem is that
I was very premature.
I was actually in an incubator.
Anyway, I hate eggs.
What do we say to newcomers, guys?
GROUP: Keep coming back. It works.
Are you all right? Yeah,
I'm fine, I'm just premature.
Ah, it's so boring in there,
isn't it?
I can't... I can't bear it either.
I just hate eggs,
you know what I mean? So do I!
They're loathsome.
I call them the devil's orbs.
That's funny.
Can I get you a coffee?
You look like you need a coffee.
I love coffee.
I find it so weird that
it comes from beans.
Isn't that bizarre?
SHE LAUGHS
I'm Maggie. I'm Mae.
Good to meet you.
This is actually the, um, exit.
Oh...
THEY LAUGH
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to take your past
and I want you to put it in a box.
Have you done that? Yeah.
Now, take that box
and throw it in the bin
and flush that bin down the toilet.
Oh, man. Yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you know where my past is? Where?
It's in a box, in a trench,
at the bottom of the ocean.
Only James Cameron has seen it.
SHE LAUGHS
Wow.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, but I've hated
every single mouthful of that coffee
and I must do something
about it now,
otherwise I will die!
I don't know why I come here.
You want to know how
to fix your brain? Simple.
Just stay busy.
Never don't be doing something,
ever.
I'm far too busy
to think about dr*gs.
So, do you have kids and stuff,
or...?
I have hobbies.
I bake, I kayak,
I weave my own clothes on a loom.
Sometimes I just run to Kent.
SHE LAUGHS
I've been clean for 12 years.
MAN CLEARS THROAT
Oh, don't look at me
like that, Ethan!
It just doesn't make sense to me.
I just... How can someone so clean
and fresh be an ex-junkie?
She smells like laundry.
It makes sense, man.
I mean, her legs are always moving,
her eyes are spooky.
Yes, but you know about addicts
cos you're from, um...
Hollywood. I'm from Hollywood.
You gotta make her feel safe.
Mm. I don't know, make this place
more Canadian or something.
Canada?
Yeah, I can do that. Thanks.
I don't think we've ever had
a proper conversation before.
Becoming friends.
All right, up top.
OK.
All right. Brunch on Thursday?
No, thank you.
Friday?
I think you should take up capoeira.
I'm sorry, but I really, really do.
Oh, my God,
you're like a prophet.
Thank you so much, I gotta go,
but I'm gonna call you.
Or, actually,
do you want to be my sponsor?
Cos I don't think
I really need the meetings.
No, no, no, neither do I!
But maybe we could just hang out
and then that would be
like the same thing?
Yeah, yeah.
Any time, night or day.
And remember, throw your past in the
bin and just stay busy. Stay busy!
THEY LAUGH
Bye. Yeah.
Wait, what...what do you mean,
you're not going back?
I'm just not going back. They only
had eggs, it was bullshit.
Oh, oh, wow, yeah, that's so cool.
You're such a rebel.
Mae, you're like James Dean.
OK, but check it out.
I got a sponsor.
I met this weird woman
and she said I just need to stay
really busy instead.
I... Wait.
Do you actually think
I look like James Dean?
Mae, I...
Isn't the first rule
of these meetings
accepting that you have a problem?
I had a problem and now I have you.
You can't just have me, OK?
I don't just have you.
I have work
and I have my friends and...
MAE SCOFFS
Yeah.
What? What is that?
All right, how come I've never met
any of your friends?
She makes a good point.
I'm sorry, can we not have
this conversation
in front of Phil, please?
I'm going to introduce you
when I'm ready, OK?
But this conversation
is about you, actually.
Well, maybe I didn't
tell you about it
because I didn't think you'd get it.
We've had very different lives
and you grew up,
like, in a bag of feathers.
Er, Oxford, actually,
I grew up in Oxford.
Have you ever heard of it?
Maybe I'd get it if you explained
it, but you don't, OK?
So, I have to, like,
root around in all of your stuff.
You went through my stuff? Yes!
It says here that you wrote
this in hospital.
And...and that you owe someone
called Ink Boy $800.
Oh, and what is this?
Is this, like, a....
like, a dr*gs hat?
Mae, where are you going?
Oh, my God.
PSYCHADELIC ROCK MUSIC
f*ck!
I don't...
What the f*ck was that?
New me, new life.
I have everything under control.
Said every junkie, ever.
Oh, Mae. I...
Oh.
God, why do you have to be
so intense?
I am not...intense.
I'm sorry. I...
So, I'm jizzing and I'm jizzing
and I'm jizzing.
I'm jizzing like
a g*dd*mn machinegun.
Jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz,
jizz, jizz. Reload!
Why did you book this terrible man?
That's Pete. People love Pete.
If they like him,
they're not going to like me.
Ah, well. You'd be surprised.
People are mad.
Yeah, but...
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING
HE SNORTS
Ee-hee-hee!
You're up next.
Where you been all my life, baby?
Oh, er, what is this?
Do you like it? It's my new gimmick.
CROWD CHEERS
f*ck yeah, I'm the f*cking king!
Woo!
Wahey!
Who's this guy? Oh.
♪ Slam your body down
and wind it all around
♪ If you want to be my lover... ♪
So, Monday, Wednesday, Friday,
I bring in my packed lunch,
I have my usual, which is...
Ham. Ham.
Then Tuesday, Thursday,
I go into the cafeteria.
What do you think they're serving on
both days this particular week?
Ham?
HE LAUGHS
So, that's Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday -
ham, ham, ham, ham, ham.
I'm seeing someone, sorry.
OK.
Well, I feel like
a regular old ham head.
THEY LAUGH
What's his name?
Um, Jonathan....Crenshaw.
Jonathan Crenshaw.
Yeah. Yep.
Well, you know, when the cat's away,
the mice hit the town and...
I don't remember the exact saying,
but...
NEW SONG STARTS
Oh, sh*t, this is me.
♪ One can have a dream, baby
♪ Two can make that dream
so true... ♪
f*ck off, Jared!
♪ One can talk about being in love,
two can say how it really feels
♪ One can wish... ♪
♪ Call me any time... ♪
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE
♪ Crawl
♪ I cried for you
♪ d*ed for you... ♪
Hi.
Hi.
What do you want to know?
Everything?
I got addicted to coke
when I was a kid
and my parents kicked me out.
I sold dr*gs, I overdosed,
I...I went to jail.
I just really, really,
I want it to be over.
SHE SIGHS
OK.
Really? Yeah.
Cool.
So, is there anything
else that we need to talk about?
Like, did you want to tell me
about your friends
and why you're being... Er, why
don't you just go down on me?
OK, that sounds good, yeah.
PHONE CHIMES
HIGH-PITCHED RINGING
01x01 - Episode 1
Series follows recovering addict and comedian Mae, who attempts to control the addictive behaviours and intense romanticism that permeate every facet of her life.