01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[Mae] Where'd you get that scar?

I fell off the second-place podium

at the Oxfordshire All-Girls
Under-14 Badminton Tournament,

and I hit my arm on a plate
of cucumber sandwiches.

-I'm sorry that happened to you.
-[George] Thanks.

I just can't believe I got second place.

Yeah.

Where'd you get this?

In jail.

Do you still feel like an addict?

Nope.

Can you just get in?

No! Mae! Oh my God!

Oh no! [laughing]

My cousin Dina's only known this guy
for three years.

Don't you think it's mad
they're getting married?

-Oh, God.
-Mae.

Mae, you need to relax.
I'm only gonna be gone for 36 hours.

So, just let me come
as your plus-one. Please.

'Cause I love weddings. I'll buy some
shiny red shoes for the occasion.

I'm not allowed a plus-one. Nobody is.

It's a tiny wedding.

The church is a thimble.
The priest is an ant.

What if you cry at the wedding
and nobody hugs you?

Are you kidding? I never cry at weddings.

I think the whole thing's bizarre.
It's so archaic. I hate the rings!

The rings piss you off?

And the symbolism of becoming one person

like you were half a person
to begin with, it's--

It's just ridiculous.

If by ridiculous, you mean
the transcendent experience

of putting somebody else's needs
above your own,

therefore destroying your own ego

and connecting to your sense
of universal--

-Wanna finger me in the changing rooms?
-Yes.

So, who's even gonna be
at this wedding, even?

Just some random people.

When am I gonna meet
these random people?

Do you have to meet them?

I mean, they're just sh*t people
I went to school with.

I love sh*t people. Those are my people.

Look, I haven't even had a chance
to tell them that I'm seeing anyone.

I literally never see them.

Okay? I'll tell them this weekend.
Oh, f*ck.

I'm so late. Okay, I have to go.

I'll see you on Sunday.

It will be nice to be alone
with my thoughts.

Hey, can you keep an eye on Mae
while I'm gone?

I just-- I'm worried about leaving
her alone with her brain.

Sorry, dude.
I'm starting my new job today.

Okay.

[bells pealing]

-Thank you.
-[Mae] What are you wearing?

Uh, well, you saw what I was wearing
when I left.

But, okay, I'm wearing a...

that enchanting puffer jacket

with a wonderful bit of Cornish pasty
on the elbow.

What are you wearing under that?

Are you w*nk*ng right now?

-Are you not w*nk*ng right now?
-[George] Well, I--

George!

[laughing]

Is that your boyfriend? Let me say hi.

Is that your friends? Tell 'em I say hi.

No, it's not. I don't want PPI insurance,
thank you.

[call clicks, beeps off]

Uh--

I haven't seen you in ages!

Lawson, what rock
have you been hiding under?

Does the rock have a massive d*ck?

I didn't know you were coming,
I would've brought my prick repellent.

-[phone dings]
-Classic. You still got it.

No, I'm Binky's plus-one, obviously.
[flatulence]

-Oh, my God.
-Why am I so obsessed with you?

Where's your plus-one?

I thought you'd be bringing
Jonathan Crenshaw.

Oh, no. He was busy working.

What's he do again?

Oh... Oh, my God, it's Lisa from school!

That's her boyfriend? I always thought
she was a massive d*ke.

-[laughs]
-Binky, you can't say that.

-What? What?
-Well...

-She used to stare at my tits in swimming.
-[phone dings]

There's your mum!

-[Binky] Hi!
-[George] Hi. Hi.

Okay, if she mentions the divorce,
just distract her.

Just say a celebrity d*ed or something.

Hi, darling.

-Hi.
-How are you?

[phone dinging]

Have you... have you heard
from your father?

No. No, I haven't. Sorry, Mum.

You look lovely.

Well, if you do hear from him,
you can tell him that. Mum looked lovely.

-Yeah.
-No. Don't mention me actually.

Or if you do, don't say that I said
to mention me,

just you know, if it comes up.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Sure.

How's Dina coping?

-Oh, she's not.
-[phone dinging]

She's cried three times
over the vol-au-vents. It's ridiculous.

Yeah, why didn't they just do it
in a registry office?

In and out, then you get drunk.

Well, people always go big the first time,
don't they?

-[phone ringing]
-Yeah. Oh.

Oh, sorry. I'm gonna have to get changed
and... yeah.

Thank you, darling.

-Hi!
-Oh, don't you look lovely!

Oh!

Hi. I suppose George told you
about me and her father?

I heard a celebrity d*ed.

No. Who?

Tim Allen.

No!

I can't believe you said I was PPI.

Mae, I've had 28 texts from you.

It's not healthy. Twenty-eight!

I can't actually be on the phone
right now, okay?

It's really scary when you lose control
like this.

Yeah, I do feel f*cking weird, actually.

Okay, let's just do this.

Just no more texts until I get back.

-It's just only 30 hours.
-[Mae] What?

I mean, what if there's an emergency?

Please, let's just be mature
about this, okay?

Just, I don't know, go to a meeting
or see your sponsor, okay?

Just don't text me, please.

-Hi. Sorry.
-Come on.

[phone clatters]

[high-pitched feedback ringing]

[rock music playing]

♪ Nothing but a barefaced lie ♪

♪ Is all you girls can hold on to ♪

♪ I suggest you downgrade fast ♪

[music stops]

[inhales, exhales]

[rock music resumes]

[Maggie] You're not supposed to text her?
That's ridiculous.

Makes my nose hair prickly. It's just off.

Well, I know! Yes!

Hi, guys. Perhaps you'd like to come in,
the meeting's just started.

No, thank you, David. I came last week
and I don't even do dr*gs anymore.

Yeah, but it's important to keep up
the regularity of the meetings.

But that's why I got Maggie.
She's my sponsor.

That's not exactly how sponsorship works.

Um, Maggie,
can I have a quick word with you?

Not now, David. You smell of sulfur.

[sighs] Has he gone?

You are brave and you are strong.

You b*at dr*gs.

You can handle a day without George.

Yeah.

Right. I'm going to an exhibition,
so I'm gonna drop you home.

Drop me home?

But you're my sponsor.
I think I need to be sponsored.

All right. I can't leave you like this,
can I?

Okay.

Come on. First thing we need
is a coffee and some grapes.

[car starts]

[Maggie]
How do you feel now that you had a grape?

Yeah, better. I love grapes.

Actually, yeah. I absolutely love grapes.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Sometimes I think I just love George,
but I actually also love grapes.

[Maggie] Yeah, George is not
your entire personality, darling.

You gotta remember that.
Addicts fixate. You gotta mix it up.

Am I the lady who makes jigsaws? Yes.

Am I the lady who teaches meditation
to dogs? Yes.

Not one single thing consumes me.

I am not an addict.

That's why I never speak at the meetings.
I've got nothing to say.

-Are we going in or...?
-No, not yet.

There's a nice smell in here, darling.

Why don't we just sit and enjoy it?

[inhales] Oh, it's so lovely
to be able to have a little sit

and a smell.

Okay, let's go!

Do you think it's okay
that we still drink?

dr*gs are dr*gs and we mustn't touch them.

Alcohol is British.

What are you doing?

Sorry, darling. I think I just saw
Dennis Quaid.

Okay, what is going on here?

I don't feel very good
and I want to text George.

Excuse me, you're not sponsoring me.
Isn't there like a mantra

that I could say or something?

-Well, I don't know, do I?
-Well, give me your phone, please.

I need to text George.

-She'll never respect you if you do that.
-[scoffs]

[camera beeps, clicks]

Having fun?

[sighs] Um, well, my friend and I
meant to hang out,

but she's having sex in a cupboard.

-Maybe you'll meet someone.
-Well, you know, I have a girlfriend.

Huh?

I have a girlfriend.

Okay. Me too.

Which one is she?
You want a photo together?

-Oh, she's not here.
-Why not?

Well, I mean, we don't
have to share everything.

I am allowed a life of my own, aren't I?

I think that's healthy.

I think that love should sit
beside your life,

like a lamp.

You know, you're the second person
who's said that to me today.

That lady said the exact same thing

and then she gave me the number
for a divorce lawyer.

Don't catch the bouquet.
I mean, avoid it like the plague,

-'cause that way lies hell and damnation...
-That's my mum.

Oh. I just remembered
I got to take a photo over--

-over there.
-Okay.

[camera clicking]

-I've called the police.
-Excuse me?

I don't know who you are,
but I've called the police

and they're going to remove
you and my mum.

Oh, no. No.
I'm-- I'm with my friend Maggie

and she doesn't have any kids.
She just has, like, hobbies and--

Ah.

-Yeah. Right.
-She told you she has no kids?

-Yeah.
-She always does this.

I told her I don't want to see her.

I had to change my phone number.

And now she shows up at my work again
with some new charity case in tow.

Okay, a bit harsh.
My name's Mae. She's my sponsor.

Right. So you're one of my mum's
addict friends.

No, I'm not just an addict.
I have my own very dazzling personality.

I actually-- I really like grapes.

I didn't even know that you exist,
so if I'm stalking you, it's by accident.

I'm an accidental stalker. I'm sorry.

That's funny. You're funny.

Well, don't laugh too hard,
you might break a rib.

Well, I am a comedian, actually.

-Really?
-Yeah.

When I'm not busy being an addict.

I'm gonna go. I'm very sorry
that I disrupted your work.

It's fine.

Just tell her to stay the hell away
from me.

Hey.

She's good, you know.

I don't know what she was like before,
but she's good now.

She's not.

It's fine.

You told me you have no kids.

You have a daughter.

No. Yes. Do I?

She called the cops, Maggie.
She says you're stalking her.

Nothing's changed. I'm still me.

[groans]
You're supposed to be my life raft.

And then now I find out
that my life raft is

full of holes.

Oh.

[upbeat music playing]

Funny to think these will all be
in the bin soon.

[feedback rings]

Everyone, shut up!

-[woman] I'm just so glad that--
-Dina, shut up, please.

Okay?

Wow. Binks.

I'd like to say something.

I'm a piece of sh*t, right?
Everyone knows that,

but you like that I'm a piece of sh*t, and

I want to be your piece of sh*t
forever, so...

-let's get f*cking married, yeah?
-[squeals]

I'm proposing! Hugh is proposing!

-[all cheering]
-[Binky squealing]

Are you f*cking kidding me?

-[upbeat music playing]
-[Binky cheering, chattering]

Binky, there's still time to say no.
You're so young.

Mum, stop it. This is good news!

Oh, I'm so happy!

Oh, Dina, look!

I can't believe it, Hugh.

[upbeat music continues]

♪ Baby, I've seen most everything ♪

♪ One thing I can tell ya
Is I been around... ♪

-[camera clicking]
-Oh, okay.

♪ A lot of girls ♪

♪ And baby, I've had my share of fun ♪

[sighs]

[rock music playing]

Phil!

Phil!

♪ Nothing but a barefaced lie ♪

Phil!

♪ Is all you girls can hold on to ♪

[music stops]

[groans]

[phone ringing]

George!

[music resumes]

[call ringing]

-All right, you have a great day.
-[coins jangle]

-Thank you. All right. Oh!
-[phone ringing]

Hey, hey, Georgio. What's up, girl?

All right, California. How you doing?

Hey, Phil. Have you seen Mae?

No, dude, I'm working.

All right, Venice Beach! Dogtown!

You have a good one. Nice jacket.

What the hell is your job?

Actually, no, don't answer that, okay?
Um...

Can you go to the club
and see if she's okay,

-'cause she's not answering her phone?
-[Phil] Yeah.

Yeah. I'll go check it out.

-Hey, George.
-Yeah, what?

This is a big moment for us, dude.
First time you called me on the phone.

[call clicks, beeps]

All right. Yes.

Nice.

Oh, yes!

She told me I'm not allowed to text her,
but it's making me feel sick.

What if she feels so sad at this wedding
and she needs a hug?

Who's gonna hug her, Nick? The best man?

Then what happens,
she gives him a blowjob? Is that it?

-Mae, that's not what happens--
-I feel very concerned

that she's in some crisis.

And my phone is locked in the house.
And my wallet.

I need to borrow ten pounds, Nick.

I need to get two nail files
and some olive oil

and then pop the lock.
I've done it before. I know how to do it.

I told you. If you're locked out,
you can stay at my--

I don't want to stay at yours.

I need money, Nick.
Are you gonna lend me money or not?

Not. All right? I'm not supporting this.

Yeah, you're being creepy.

Like a... spider!

[high-pitched feedback ringing]

-Give me the cash, Mae.
-No.

Give me the cash, Mae.

No, I need the money.

Hey, Mae!

-Hey!
-Get away from her, man.

-Whoa.
-[Mae] Whoa.

-Phil, this is Nick. Nick, this is Phil.
-Phil? What?

If you don't calm down,
I am not booking you here anymore.

-All right?
-Really?

Yeah, I am being f*cking serious, Mae!

Do you have your keys?

Yeah. Mae, let's get down for a second,
shall we?

-[Nick] Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

You know?

She lives with you, right?

Hey, mate.

She was never like this
when she was on my couch.

[snorts]

Hey, Nick, can I talk to you over here
for a second, dude?

Yeah, um...

-Are you chasing the white dragon, man?
-The what?

Cocaine.

It's okay, man. You can talk to me,
I'm from Hollywood.

Did you know that Mae used to have
a coke problem?

What? No.

I didn't know that. She never said.

-You sure?
-[Mae] Can we go home?

Yeah. Yeah. Up top!

Hee hee hoo!

That's how we do it in Hollywood.
Catch you on the flip side, buddy.

So you're not allowed at the wedding?

She's not allowed a plus-one.

-And you're not allowed to text her?
-[Mae] Yeah.

You know, when I was a kid,
all my buddies grew flowers.

Back in Hollywood '92,

you were nobody if you didn't have
big, beautiful flowers.

And then, on my thirteenth birthday,
my dad finally bought me some seeds.

Oh man, I was so excited.

My friends were like,

"Phil! We heard your dad
bought you seeds!"

"Show us your beautiful flowers, dude!"

But I was too ashamed.

I mean, they were just seedlings.

So I put 'em in the closet and they...

withered and d*ed.

If only I'd just left them in the sun,

then they would've grown to be big,

confident flowers.

Are you saying I'm...

the flowers?

No, Mae.

I'm just telling you a story
about myself.

[phone ringing]

[ringing stops]

[Linda] Mae, I'm hoping that's you.

Hi. Mom, can I ask you some--

Darling, can you please turn the light on?
I feel like I'm talking to a sex offender.

Can I ask you something, Mom?
Am I needy?

In general, yes.

Why else would my body have expelled you
four weeks premature?

You were literally sapping my resources.

-Okay.
-[Dad] Hello, darling daughter!

Where's lovely George?

Oh, we're taking
healthy space, apparently.

Darling, there's no such thing
as taking healthy space.

Oh, really?

What about when you guys kicked me out
when I was a teenager?

You took space from me.

For many, many years.

I think I'll just...
pop out to the garden.

-Check on the sparrows.
-Mm-hmm.

Mae, I'm not doing this again.

Fine. I...

I just can't even remember
what I used to think about before George.

Well, before George,
you thought about Nicole...

who was your true love.

Before that, you thought about Caroline,

who, oh yes, was also your true love.

And before that,

it was dr*gs.

Oh my God, I'm Pac-Man.

Well, I don't understand that reference.

I'm Pac-Man. I'm a hungry, empty ghost.

Oh, that's actually very poetic.

Can I borrow that for my book?

-How's your book going?
-Well, it's just extremely,

graphically violent.

Okay, I'm going to go, but I love you
and I will talk to you soon. Goodbye.

Okay, I guess that was enough about me.

I left my flat in Liverpool Street
at about 9:00 p.m.

Must have somehow got on a flight.

Next thing I know,

I'm waking up in Sichuan.

Sichuan is a region of China.

It's a beautiful region of China.

Life's a ticking time b*mb.

And now, I'm on 200k a year.

"K" means thousand.

I guess I'm just feeling grateful today
that I managed to kick the addiction.

Before it got--

[scoffs, snorts]

Okay, bit of an audible scoff over here.
Did you have something to share, Mae?

I'm sorry. I just feel like--

Kevin, how much sex do you have?

Like a gross amount, probably?
'Cause I can literally smell it.

Or Karen, how much do you
compulsively lie?

Never.

Like, whatever it is,
cigarettes, our phones,

we have habits, so how can we say
that we're not addicted?

I don't think this
is a helpful conversation.

I think it's f*cking bullshit
because I've been clean for 54 months.

My girlfriend, her name's George,

she looks like
a fit little squirrel or something,

she went away for one night
and I lost my mind.

And it was all the same feelings
of craving, and withdrawal,

and relief, and obsession.

We're just swapping one addiction
for another.

David, you're addicted to making
vast quantities of eggs

that nobody likes.

Sorry, does anybody else think
that she's talking grade-A baloney?

[woman]
I was told that this was a safe space--

There's a proper way
to discuss these things, Mae.

I have a daughter and she hates me.

It's a source of great shame to me.
I wasn't a good mother.

Lava moved out when she was 16 years old.

Sorry, did you say Lava?

Yes, darling. Her name's Lava.

-Like as in...
-Yes, darling, hot rocks. That's the one.

She works in catering
and I keep tabs on her.

I spy on her. I...
check on the company website.

At first, it was once every blue moon,
but now it's every function, gala,

jamboree. I...

hide in bushes. I degrade myself.

But if I don't see her,
I will fall down on the floor and die.

So... every day,
I get into my car and I...

[voice breaking] ...follow her.

It makes her hate me even more
and I hate myself for doing it.

But I do it anyway.

I can't help myself. I do it.

I am an addict.

[David] Is that true?
Does no one like my eggs?

[sighs]

I love your eggs.

So, Binky and Hugh?
How long do you give them?

A year?

Two, if she gets pregnant?

Mum, you're such a cynic.

They're in love.

Oh, and you think you're the expert?

You've never even had
a serious relationship.

You have no idea what it's like, really,
in the trenches of love, do you?

No, I don't.

You just spend all your time
tidying your flat

and hanging out with 12-year-olds.

I'm-- I'm a teacher.
We're not hanging out.

Mum, did you and Dad ever have fun?

Ever?

Well, uh,
once your father bought me a yo-yo.

Mum.

Were you ever happy?

Why are you asking me all these questions,
George? Are you happy?

Until recently,
I don't think I was, but...

yeah.

Yeah, I am happy.

Well, that's wonderful.

Don't you see? It doesn't have to be
dependent on some boy.

No. [chuckles]

I've got to catch my train now, Mum.
Yeah, I'll see you.

Mmm. Bye, darling.

[keys jangle]

-Hey.
-Hey.

[sighs] I missed you so much.

-You did?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

I love you so much.

I think I wanna get married.

-To me?
-Yeah.

-You want to get married to me?
-Yes! I really do! Oh!

[keys jangle]

-Hey.
-Hey.

How was it? You okay?

I'm okay. Yeah, I'm good. I'm normal.

Yeah, it was very chill.

How were your friends?

Oh, fine. Yeah.

Hey, guys. So I made this chicken,
but it was pretty dry,

so I soaked it in water. Was that wrong?

-Uh...
-You guys want to watch nature?

-Yeah. Sure, yeah.
-Sure, yeah. Yeah.

[TV chattering indistinctly]